Ask Collins: A Correspondence
Chapter 1
Dear Malvin,
I have received your missive
this morning and having perused the contents thereof, have wasted no time in
forming a reply. I hope you will not take anything amiss but will grow in
understanding and social grace. A young man such as yourself cannot be too
careful in his presentation and form.
I must confess that I was
greatly surprised to hear, Malvin, that you have not, before now, taken
advantage of your post as a busboy. Your chief end, I believe, is to cart great
amounts of people from one end of town to another. What are you thinking, boy?
This is a perfect opportunity to market yourself to the young ladies and their
escorts (whether that be mother or any other obliging matron). My suggestion is
this that you with all due respect, listen for an opportunity within the lady's
conversation for a chance to be of service. Perhaps the lady in question has
lost her bus schedule and is unsure of when to return to the stop? Surely, a
clever young man such as yourself could pull that off. I do not believe that
your situation is so grossly bereft of opportunities to make yourself known to
the gentle sex
Now, I must address the
situations you have pointed out to me in which you suffered some confusion. To
be sure, you should not be so surprised as you are by the reaction of your
favorite. Since you seem to suffer some degree of mortification at the use of
her name, I shall instead refer to the lady in question as Rosamond (which has
always been a favorite name of mine) so that if by accident, this missive
should fall into the hand of your good mother, she will have no opportunity of
providing her Tuesday visitors with any juicy morsels that would be an
embarrassment to yourself and a grievance to her. I shall try to avoid
redundancy, but I must refer to what you have written. You say, Malvin, that
you had the opportunity of escorting Rosamond home from a social event and that
you parted on less than satisfactory terms. Well, that is hardly to be wondered
at considering the topics with which you chose to endear yourself to said young
lady.
Malvin, my lad, never confess
that you are a overly fond of your mother. Though your behavior in regard to
that good lady who brought you forth may be a little too obvious, you must
never implicate yourself. It is the case that though females will often bemoan
the absence of tender-hearted males, not one woman will ever brag upon the
muscle of a mama's boy. Rather, this information will come back to bite you
with such ferocity that you will inevitably loose a proverbial buttock if you
are not on your guard.
Now, in regard to the excursion
itself, remember, Malvin, that you are the one with the financial obligation.
If you are going to pay, then pay. I understand, of course, that customs change
in these modern times and that it is acceptable for two young people to "split"
the expense. If this be the case, then do so when she offers her portion. I beg
of you to not trifle with her as it only increases her discomfort (and coldness
since you're making her pay to begin with) and lowers you in her esteem. The
longer you hold out the stupider a fellow you appear. I confess that I was
alarmed to learn that you had not only refused her money several times when she
offered it, but when you did need it you asked her as though the thought had
never entered her head! This is both boorish and insulting behavior. Oh yes,
Marvin, never refer to her as a "very fine lady" ever again.
I congratulate you on your good
sense in attempting to compliment your Rosamond. There is no better way to a
woman's heart than through flattery. However, I would caution you to use your
discretion. A woman, if one wants to hear it to begin with, need only have it
pointed out once that she is blushing. I assure you, she already knows it, and
your notice will (once again) increase her discomfort and her censure. And, had
you not drawn attention to her crimsoned state, she may have responded to your
thinly veiled inquiry into the inheritance of her cheeks with less confusion
and more grace. Do compliment Rosamond's taste---in fact---always compliment her
taste. Let her choose the outing; let her choose the music you listen to. You
were right to ask her when you were out, but I'm afraid the sentiment was
nullified when you ignored her request anyway and turned on the "Pirates of
Penzance." Not only were you rude in overriding her but you probably didn't
impress her when you sang over the lead vocal's solo. Oh, and Marvin, refrain
from directing the Choir Invisible; never try to make her sing to you. I assure
you that you were the only one amused by this.
I recommend that you avoid the
question of artificial coloring of both skin and hair, especially since you are
unable to check your disapprobation and censure of such females that do.
Refrain from questioning her morals if she does and please refrain from
declaring your undying devotion if she does not. Honestly. Women are a fiercely
loyal sex and at this point you have done so little to recommend yourself that
I fear Rosamond may be a brunette when next you meet.
Malvin, save politics and
theology for after you have secured a wife, when there is no fear of losing
her. If you truly feel that all women must adhere to archaic dress codes, a
first date is not the place to mention it. Nor should you vent your spleen on
the subject of those "odious officious hip-hop instruments" within the modern
church (especially if you do not know the ideology of the lady in question,
whose brother I happen to know plays the drums exquisitely). I am afraid that,
besides mortifying her, you will invoke that legendary female obstinacy that
will cause her to disagree with every word you say from then on---such as when
you informed her that she was not a great walker nor fond of shopping. Never
inform a woman.
This point also reminds me of
yet another one of your faux pas moments. While it is certainly the case that
women have not received such good treatment as they are want, your way of
showing sympathy for their plight is left wanting. When outlining the list of
travesties women suffer, I think it best to leave out such physical details as
all of the parts of their bodies which require support as opposed to the one
place on you. Never mention the "bandaging of bosoms" to her or to me.
Here is one more thing you must
never do. When you sit down to dinner with Rosamond, do not compliment her
unusually healthy appetite, especially if you are going to compare it to the
bird-like diet of your sister who has been winning local beauty pageants for
the last five years. I assure you that the young lady will not be sensible to
the compliment.
Dear boy, by all means ask her
about her interests. This will be especially useful when you wish to please her
while courting. However, if she is not inclined to enjoy the same activities as
you (such as sports), then refrain from calling her boring (especially since
you are of rotund proportions yourself and have scarce left the couch to
actually play them in favor of watching).
Last but certainly not the
least, since I doubt that you actually have much of a chance in heaven with
Rosamond, I suggest that you turn over a new leaf and start afresh with a new
girl (possibly in a new town). My first suggestion as that you do not rely on
your best friend to fit you up with a date. Secondly, if you do attempt to find
a young lady on your own, do not start by asking why she doesn't have a
boyfriend. Apologize if she does, and do not ask what's wrong with her if she
doesn't.
Now, go forth young Malvin with
full confidence that you will never have your knuckles rapped or a glass of
water thrown in your face. Good luck.
Your Servant, etc.
O. Collins
© 2005 Copyright held by the
author.