My
Father's House
Chapter 7
Matt was in the most unenviable position for a man hankering after the impossible. He had the dubious pleasure of discovering his desire's foibles, such as shedding hair all over the bathroom, unannounced burps during meals, and let's face it -- nothing is capable of killing romantic notions faster than bodily functions. However, even Lorien's shortcomings seemed charming when packaged so delightfully, and Matt could not help but appreciate his ordeal whenever Lorien stepped out of the showers, soaking wet and sporting only a modestly-sized towel.
And, as difficult as it was to admit for a man of such generous character, Matt couldn't help but be relieved by the fact that Lorien Winters didn't have a life outside of the Programme. A man with his looks, charm, and demeanor, and the boy couldn't or wouldn't seek out a lover to keep him company. Perhaps it was because of his unrequited feelings for Aslam, but whatever his reasons were, Lorien came home dutifully at the end of the working day, stayed in during weekends unless he was scheduled to work, and generally made a nuisance of himself by tagging along whenever Matt went out for a pint.
Reimer's friends immediately noticed the new companion and ribbed Matt about his Adonis-chained-to-the-elbow. However, they knew well enough not to push the topic too far, as Matt woefully revealed the fact that his flatmate was just that and nothing more. Few of his acquaintances weren't above making a play for the newcomer when they discovered the true nature of the relationship between the two men, but Lorien quickly put an end to it by playing stupid or frigid, and on occasion - both. In any case, the two men fell into a comfortable routine and it was matter of weeks before they discovered each other to be good friend material.
Perhaps it was because of this that neither made any move. In fear of losing genuine friendship and a trustworthy flatmate, both men were decidedly cagey when it came to considering romantic feelings for each other. Matt knew he was already too late to think platonically about Lorien, but he was also too much of a gentleman to further his ambitions.
And Lorien. Lorien was frightened. So frightened he found himself emotionally paralyzed.
Even after his dramatic declaration to his family about his sexual orientation, Lorien dreaded becoming involved with men. He was terrified that he would find someone like Sean and latch onto him like a grown-up orphan would sidle to a missing father figure. He was too well aware of his own shortcomings, and whenever he felt attraction, he would invariably find the person to be a weaker shadow of the oldest Winters. To make up for what he innately lacked, Lorien inevitably sought out men who could fill that emptiness. And by doing so, ambushing him for a fall of great magnitude.
And there was Matt.
Matt was safe. Matt was a good man. Matt would never take advantage of Lorien, even if Lorien wanted him to. Matt also didn't get Lorien's heart beating faster, but neither did he send the younger man spiraling into panic whenever he laid his hand on Lorien's shoulder. And Lorien was wise enough to know Matt certainly appreciated what Mother Nature endowed him with. It was flattering and safe. A combination that until Lorien met Matt, he had no idea existed. A combination that relaxed Lorien so he began taking Matt into his confidence without constantly worrying that he revealed too many of his weaknesses and somehow offend his new companion.
All in all, both men knew it was too good to last, and it was Lorien who discovered how treacherous a fearing heart could be.
Registrar Winters was working overnight on Saturday, but mercifully it was quiet so he was able to get decent amount of sleep. So, he was in a bright mood when he returned to the flat at seven in the morning. He quickly stripped out of his grubby clothes and put on pajama bottoms to take a shower and make breakfast. The June air was filled with the promise of a gorgeous day and he wondered if Matt was up for a nice long stroll through the many local parks that dotted the neighborhood like jewels in a crown. So, it was to his great shock to enter the living room to find a semi-naked stranger standing by the kitchen table, making coffee.
"Who in bloody hell are you?" Lorien asked bluntly.
"You must be Lorien," The stranger said, smiling and revealing indecently white teeth. "I'm James, an old friend of Matt's. I just returned to London and managed to bump into him last night."
"Brilliant." Lorien muttered and slammed the bathroom door behind him.
He savagely tore open the shower curtain and turned the hot water sprout to its most extreme point. He stood under the stinging spray, snarling quietly to himself.
Matt never said he was a monk. Remember, he was the one who set the rules about visitors. Bloody nice of him, really. Efficient too.
Lorien heard another voice join the unannounced guest and soon soft laughter floated into the bathroom.
Probably an ex-lover. Wonder how long it's been since they parted ways. Obviously before Thomas stepped into the scene. Maybe he just dropped by and Matt decided his friend drank too much to return to his flat safely.
Even Lorien wasn't that delusional. He saw what Sir James was wearing and the bottoms belonged to Matt. Lorien's seen it on his roommate too many times not to recognize it.
Maybe he slept on the couch.
Lorien turned off the showers and stepped out.
Then James would've woken up screaming in pain because I dropped my twenty-kilo pack on the sofa when I came in. So, the opportunistic b*****d slept naked in Matt's bed. Doesn't mean anything happened.
Lorien refrained from mentally slapping himself for coming up with such ludicrous excuses.
Now, let me see what would I do if I were naked, and in Matt's bed? Watch the news?
That silly thought didn't immobilize Lorien. It was images that came after which made Lorien's blush creep down to his chest. For the first time Lorien had frankly carnal images of his roommate. And in situations he didn't even bother to consider before Sir James walked out of Matt's bedroom, sporting Matt's pajamas like some bloody medal he'd won in Albertville.
Tacky thing to do really. What? He wasn't wearing trousers last night when he bumped into Matt? How about that for an attention getter?.
Lorien put on his pajamas and then proceeded to bruise his gums because he brushed so hard.
Slut.
It wasn't until he opened the bathroom door that Lorien realized he was alone in the flat. He saw a note taped to the pin-board and read the message.
Lorien,
James and I are going to take the day. We would've loved to have you join us but since you were on call last night, you'd probably want to get some sleep and rest. I made ravioli for dinner and there's extra for you in the fridge in case you didn't have supper. I also did the groceries yesterday so we're ready for the week. I hope you didn't suffer too much last night. Take care.
Matt
Lorien crumpled the note and looked out the window at the beautiful morning, thinking bleak thoughts and feeling abandoned by the one man he had come to trust.
It wasn't until seven in the evening that Matt returned from his outing looking flushed and swept off his feet. Lorien also crassly noted that the blond Tarzan wasn't anywhere within in visual range of his roommate.
"Did you get some sleep?" Matt asked, depositing a mysterious shopping bag into the hallway closet.
"I did, yes. Matt, I thought you'd give me warning about ... James."
"I apologize," Matt said contritely. "I didn't think you'd be home so early. We were planning to go out before you came home."
"I see." Lorien said in a small voice. "He's an old friend?"
"We went to University together. He went to work for a subsidiary of his company in Portugal for last three years, and we lost touch with each other. I had no idea he was back in London until last night. He told me he wanted to keep it a surprise."
"Must have been."
"Must have been ... what?"
"A surprise I mean," Lorien said hastily. "So, is he staying in London or returning to Portugal?"
"He informed his HR that he wanted to stay here. He loved Portugal but this is his home."
Lorien suddenly had an ugly thought. What if James wanted to reclaim what was his? Obviously the flat wasn't designed to fit three grown men and that meant it was Lorien who'd be the odd man out. Lorien began struggling against a massive anxiety attack.
Homeless. Lorien would be homeless, without a friend, without his confidante. He'd be what Sean always said he'd be when he left home to prove himself.
The anxiety attack won and it drove Lorien to do something extremely reckless. He stood up, the fluid movement almost unnoticeable unless you were paying direct attention. Without a word or an explanation Lorien wrapped his right hand on the back of Matt's neck brought down the head for a kiss. Matt was stunned by the move so like a mouse caught in an asp's gaze he did nothing. However, after the kiss was finished Matt sprung back, his eyes wide.
"What's wrong?" Lorien asked. "Don't you want me?"
Matt broke the gaze and took a deep breath. "Not like this."
"What do you mean?" Lorien said, genuinely confused by Matt's defensive posture and harsh tone.
"You don't want this," Matt retorted angrily, "You don't want me. You're frightened, and you want me to reassure you, but that's all there is to it. You're willing to give your body to keep whatever it is you fear at bay. I'll admit you got a nice body, but even you're not worth that much foolishness."
Lorien felt like he was kidney punched. "I trust you, I never trusted anyone like I trust you. And we're friends. Isn't that enough? I know I wasn't imagining your attentions to me, so don't turn on me like this."
Matt dragged out his words, as if he was burdened to hell with what he was saying. "If we were both in that situation, yes. But we're not, Lorien. We're not on equal footing, and it would be unfair if I let this continue."
"I'm not a child, Matt," Lorien said gently. "I don't need protection. I just told you. I trust you."
"I wasn't talking about you." Matt snapped viciously.
With that comment Matt went to his room, slamming the door behind him with finality.
What am I going to do? Matt thought sadly. Everything I ever wanted just dropped into my lap, but for all the wrong reasons.
The truth was Matt was desperate enough to take whatever Lorien could offer, even if it meant heartache for him at the end. As long as Lorien kept his distance, Matt could play the part of the suffering lovefool, the jester in the play and be done with it. But now Lorien had breached all his defenses with a single casual kiss and Matt was terrified that whatever strength and common sense he had left would vanish if Lorien kissed him again.
Casual. Matt told himself. It'd be casual for him, but it would mean the world to me. And, in the end, I'll be the one who'll be wounded, bitter, and confused.
Matt suddenly remembered what Lorien said. Oh, bloody hell. What if he's a virgin?
He felt his heart suddenly stop and his emotions slammed into him, teeth and claws bared.
I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this. Not to him, not to me. I can't do this. Oh G-d, Oh G-d, this isn't happening. This isn't happening.
So washed in his panic, Matt didn't hear his bedroom door open.
"I'm sorry." Lorien whispered.
Matt fearfully raised his eyes to find Lorien's in tears.
"I'm so sorry."
Matt surrendered himself; it was too late for him, but maybe not for Lorien. Between the two of them, at least one had to survive the maelstrom they managed to create for themselves. He opened his arms and Lorien quickly fell into them. The two held each other in a quiet but fierce embrace.
"I won't leave you. I'll always be your friend," Matt said after a while, "You'll always have me around."
Lorien rested his tearful face against the reassuring solidity of Matt's chest. Then he took a shallow breath and told his best friend about Sean. About being a Winters and what it meant to owe one's life to another, a brother who willingly sacrificed his life to save Lorien's. A debt the youngest Winters couldn't even begin hoping to repay. What it meant to have everything, to be everything to somebody ... to become a nobody. An unwanted nobody with no friends, and no one to love or be loved by. About living with not only the hunger of the belly but also the starvation of the soul and the rumblings of an emptied heart.
And the fears that haunted a person only at three in the morning, while one rested in a cold bed betrayed of rest, even the measly comfort that the future could be an improvement of the past. The fears that Lorien finally revealed to Matt because he trusted the man. A trust that Matt belatedly realized he could never betray, even if only to save himself. Hours later, as he watched Lorien asleep in his bed, Matt finally accepted it all.
My fallen angel. He thought as he brushed away the locks from Lorien's forehead. He's my fallen angel.
In spite of the emotional tsunami that enveloped both men, neither Matt nor Lorien allowed himself to be dictated by that faithful evening. However, they admitted to each other and, more importantly, to themselves they could not return to the way it was before. Nevertheless, both men gave valiant effort in creating any and all arguments supporting the reason to remain just friends. As successful as they were in their endeavors, their intimacy inevitably slipped from the casual to something more. It began with phone calls to each other at work to see when their flatmate would be home for supper. Then the weekends were planned through with excursions to nearby towns and villages to the exclusion of everyone else in their circle of friends.
This quiet development went by unnoticed until one of Matt's friends spotted the two sitting closer than they should while having their usual dosage of nightly coffee. She immediately dialed the grapevine and 24 hours later it was a well-disseminated fact that Matt and Lorien had become a couple. There was a great deal of peevish resentment on part of Matt's friends as they felt deprived of congratulating the two when their relationship began. That and the fact that Lorien was now officially off the market. They weren't above playing for him while he was unattached, but they admired Matt too much to hurt him by chasing after his new boyfriend.
Perhaps it was this development more than anything else in Lorien's life that made the youngest Winters come to terms with the separation from his family. The solitary ache that hounded him since his departure from his clan began to wane when he met Matt, and now, with the promise of a solid relationship in the horizon, Lorien did not have the time to waste his emotions grieving about his losses. Even Aslam noticed this newfound peace within his friend, and with a few, well-pointed questions - all his hopes for Lorien seemed to come to fruition.
After serving a year of his posting, Lorien's schedule lightened time-wise, but the complexity of his studies deepened. A year before, out of sheer frustration with his lifestyle, Lorien sent our his CV to various institutions abroad, looking for spots within a fellowship or residency, an equivalent of his position in London. He hadn't gotten any replies and within the month had given up hope of leaving his homeland. Lorien had all but forgotten this futile quest until one day, he found a letter waiting for him at his flat.
"You have a letter from Mt. Sinai in New York." Matt said casually.
Lorien frowned and opened the envelope. He skimmed quickly, all the while his eyes widening considerably.
"Bloody hell." He whispered.
Matt dropped all pretense of disinterest and sat down on the sofa. "What is it?"
"I applied to their program and they accepted me."
"I don't remember..."
"This was before we met. Honestly, their program is so difficult to get into, I didn't think I stood a chance."
"What do you have to do?"
"The Americans have a different system in their medical studies. I didn't qualify last year because according to their Board, I didn't have the proper qualifications to be considered a resident. This year, however, it's a totally different story. My scores were forwarded to them and they liked what they saw. They are offering me the Folkman Grant."
"Folkman Grant?"
"Yes, a private foundation has set up funding for qualified applicants from overseas to finish their studies in the U.S."
"What will it do to your credentials here?"
"As long as I pass the exams on both sides of the Atlantic, I am fully qualified."
"It sounds very prestigious."
"It is, Matt. They award it only to one resident in their year. I had no idea I was even being considered!"
"What will you do?"
The question quickly killed off Lorien's budding happiness. He realized what this might entail for both should he accept and go to Mt. Sinai. Matt saw the change in his expression and smiled.
"You could lie to me and say you won't go, but if you did that, I'll never be able to trust you again."
"Matt," Lorien said softly. "I don't want to leave you. Why don't you come with me?"
Matt laughed weakly. "Me? A doctor's wife? Please, Lorien, think twice."
"But I am a doctor," Lorien said. "And if you hadn't noticed..."
Matt raised both his hands in order to stop Lorien from speaking further. "Lorien, I'm not exactly the most qualified candidate to uproot myself and la-la to New York. I have a career here; I lived my entire life in London. New York will probably kill me. In fact, I know New York will kill me. Have you read about that place lately? It's frightening!"
"So, we'll be frightened together. Here, take a look at the amount they're offering. It's not a king's ransom, but it is quite a handsome salary."
Matt glanced at the figures and did a quick calculation. "It'll still be tight. I will have to find a job if we're to survive over there. And their rent's atrocious unless you live in a slum. I know this isn't exactly Buckingham Palace, but at least it's neat and relatively safe."
"Parsons." Lorien said.
Matt blinked and said, "Who's Parsons?"
"Parsons School of Design. I remember Jeb considering applying there years ago. I bet they have graduate programs, and your firm wouldn't mind you offing to New York to advance your degree. Didn't you tell they have a branch there anyway?
"It's small and I don't think I'd qualify..."
"Well, why don't you ask? It wouldn't hurt, would it?"
Matt sighed, "Lorien..."
"It'll be brilliant! An adventure! And your resume will only improve!"
"The cost..."
"Will be offset by my grant. Think about it. Finally, I get to make some serious wages!"
"I'll see what can be done, but don't hope for it. Meanwhile, I suggest you accept their generous offer."
"No, I'll wait..."
"Lorien," Matt interrupted firmly. "Do not play around with this. It's your entire future we're talking about. You can't turn this down, not if you a shred of common sense. We both know it."
"But what about us?"
Matt sighed, "I don't know, honestly. But I know I'll never forgive myself if I stand in your way."
"Matt, whatever you're thinking. I'm not with you for a spell. I'm serious about what is happening between us, and I don't want to risk anything to jeopardize it."
"Lorien, you're a doctor. There's everything in the world to jeopardize our relationship. Your work, the hours you spend at the hospital, the weekend calls, the overnights. Your profession isn't exactly conducive to maintaining a romantic relationship."
Lorien was stung and confused. "So why are you here then? If you're not in it for the long haul, why bother wasting your time with me?"
"I'm not wasting anyone's time," Matt explained patiently. "But neither am I planning a wedding and a blissful future here. I'm taking it day by day, just like you. What you're asking of me is a huge commitment. It's not just the financial matters that count here. We're gay, and that means there will be people and places who will not only reject us, but will do everything in their power to make our lives miserable. At least in London I know what my fighting odds are."
"I had forgotten," Lorien whispered. "I had completely forgotten ... isn't that strange? That thought never crossed my mind."
Matt laughed and rested his head on Lorien's shoulder. "It's because you've accepted who you are. For some it comes crashing like cymbals, for others it's like a thief in the night."
"But you will ask around the office, won't you?"
"Of course, meanwhile, mail them your acceptance. It won't do you any good to sit on this even for a second."
Lorien waited anxiously for two weeks, hoping each night Matt would come back with positive news. He was too afraid to push the topic and annoy Matt, and he couldn't help but wonder if Matt was even serious about his quest to file a transfer to the New York office. Lorien's mind was churning these torturous thoughts so it wasn't until he was standing in front of his door that he heard the fight. Without hesitation he charged in, bag in hand --ready to be flung at the intruder. To his shock he found Sean standing, bloodied and beyond rage.
"What are you doing here?" Lorien asked numbly.
Sean whirled around to face him, and the anger so clearly visible disappeared with a blink. The oldest Winters opened his mouth but nothing came out. Then a moan from behind a sofa grabbed Lorien's attention. A hand appeared, clutching at the armrest, then Matt stood up.
"Oh, no..." Lorien whispered in fear.
Matt's face was almost unrecognizable, and the tall man was doubled over, clutching his lower abdomen.
Lorien approached Matt then stopped in mid-stride and turned to his brother. "What have you done?"
Sean said, "We got into a fight. I came here looking for you and this..."
"You mean you got into a fight." Lorien said, his tone turning deeper and more precise. "Probably because you wanted a fight. But not with Matt, with me -- he just got in the way. Isn't that right, big brother?"
"You have no idea..."
"Was it worth it? To beat an innocent man just so you could feel superior? To bash a fag because you're not? Aren't you just the hero of the hour? The supreme specimen of manhood?"
"How dare you..."
"I know what you're capable of!" Lorien suddenly screamed on the top of his lungs. "I know exactly what kind of cruel-hearted, greed-driven, bloodless, mindless animal you can be! Don't lie to me! Don't stand there, in my home, acting like you're in the right! You're not! You're just a bigoted, ape-minded creature who does not belong here! You beat him, and you knew you could do it! Matt never had a chance against you and you knew it! How dare you say a word to me! How dare you!"
Lorien felt Matt's weak grip on his shoulder but ignored the comforting grip. "I don't want your money! I don't ever want to see you again! You're not welcomed here and you never will be! I owe you nothing! I owe the Winters name nothing! I am who I am not because of you, but because of Matt! I owe every happy moment in the last year to Matt! Not to you, never to you! Get out before I call the police and have you arrested! The Winters name might be powerful, but it won't get you out of the nick if we decide to press charges! And, I swear, if I see you again, I will cause such a scandal, you'll be wishing I was never born. Which you probably already are anyway!"
Sean's mouth was open, and it was a strange sight because Lorien never saw him slack-jawed.
"Get out," Lorien snarled and banged open the front door. "And I hope you get what you deserve -- a long, miserable life with no one to love you, no one to care for your welfare. I hope you die knowing what a selfish brute you really are."
Sean slowly walked out, but in the doorway he turned around. "Lorien, you have to listen..."
"I don't care. I don't care anymore." Lorien said flatly. "You're not worth this. You never were. I should've realized it earlier."
Sean didn't say another word and left quietly. Lorien rushed to Matt's side and did a checkup of the numerous wounds and cuts.
"We have to go to the hospital," He said. "You have internal bleeding."
Matt didn't say a word and meekly allowed Lorien to call for emergency help. Lorien held Matt's hands the entire ride to the hospital, resolutely ignoring the blatant stares from the medic and the driver. He had made up his mind. It wasn't something he wanted to do, but the truth was too great to ignore. His ties with his family had to be severed if he were to live a happy, fulfilling life. Simply, a life without Sean Winters.
Let us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky...
And indeed there will be time
To wonder, "Do I dare?" and, "Do I dare?"...
And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while,
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball...
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.
I do not think that they will sing to me.
I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.
We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.
The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock
~ T.S. Eliot
Matt's head shot up when the door to his office opened with an explosion of noise, flurry of arms and papers. Marissa was performing a precarious balancing act of documents and two cups of tea perched on top of the stack.
"I can do this!" She declared loudly as she threaded her way to his desk. Matt stared with some trepidation as she sat down with relish, the two paper cups trembling violently in their positions.
"Sorry to be so late," Marissa apologized, "But I've been in meetings the entire morning. I assume your emergency phone call is because of your new boy toy?"
Matt scurried to the door and closed it firmly, and then locked it just to guarantee privacy.
"Don't say that so loud!" He chastised quickly. "I'm applying for a grant and the last thing I need is for the uppers to believe I'm some sex-hound."
Marissa smirked openly. "Really? What has been happening to you lately? This sudden ambition, the need to be discreet ... I definitely smell intrigue."
"Lorien's transferring to New York and he wants me to follow for the two-year stint."
"Really? That is definitely a newsworthy development. You said yes of course."
The embarrassed silence made Marissa's jaw drop open.
"You must be joking." She whispered. "That boy asked you to go with him to the States and you said no?"
"I didn't say no," Matt explained patiently. "But I didn't say yes either. I don't think Lorien knows quite what he's asking for me to do. This is a significant change in my lifestyle, Marissa, and I have a bad feeling he doesn't realize how serious it is for me."
"Did you tell him?"
"Not in so many words, no. But I made it clear this move, if it's to happen, will be a big step for me and I'm not sure I got through to him."
"Why do you think that? Did you explain in Aramaic?"
"No, but Lorien's a doctor, and they can be so dense when it comes to issues outside their work. Lorien's convinced himself that all will be well, especially if I'm able to tag along for the ride."
"Oh," Marissa said nonchalantly. "And do you want to?"
"Tag along? Be a doctor's wife? I don't know."
"Even if the physician is Lorien?"
Matt sighed and sank back into his chair. "Especially because it's Lorien."
"What are you afraid of, Matt? That he'll dump you the moment he finds a newer model to play with? Or, perhaps he's confusing love with friendship and doesn't have the wits to realize it?"
"I don't think he knows what he really wants."
"And there's the dig, isn't it?"
"I also don't think it's up to me to help him discover himself either. Every relationship I've been in, the person knew already -- the self-discovery phase was way over when I came into the spotlight. But, with Lorien, it's totally different. Sometimes it's like watching a baby take his first steps. I feel positively fiendish laying claim to a man who's just beginning to get a grip on his sexuality."
"Better you than someone else."
"Mara, be serious!"
"I bloody well am! What? You think every virgin gets deflowered by Prince Charming? What dimension have you been living in? My first time was with a cad at the backseat of his Coop! It was awful after everything was said and done, and for years I regretted doing it at all. If I had a choice between some heartless git looking for a job and you, I'd drag you to bed, screaming and kicking."
"Lorien can have anybody he wants in his life, so why me?"
Marissa gave a low whistle. "I wondered when you'd finally say it."
Matt bristled visibly. "What do you mean?"
"Your lack of self-esteem, which in most cases is usually so very charming, can at times turn on you like a rabid dog. And I've been witnessing a lot of it after your relationship with Lorien took the bend at 100km."
"I still don't see what you're getting at."
"Matt, love, you're faulting Lorien for things he cannot control. His looks are hereditary in case you didn't know. Just because he's that beautiful doesn't automatically mean his vanity is at the same level. Does he strike you as a vain man?"
"No," Matt admitted. "But you can't help but wonder at it all. His choices don't make sense when I examine them."
"They don't make sense because they're irrational, or they don't make sense as they pertain to you?"
"What's the difference?"
"Irrational decisions are made out of strong emotions -- whatever they may be. Irrational decisions where you're involved is because he's in love with you and can't see the forest for the trees. There's a noticeable difference between the two, Matt."
"How do you know he loves me? You've only met him for that one evening when you came over for dinner."
"And I never took my eyes off of him the entire evening, which I admit wasn't very hard. He wanted to impress me so badly because I was your best friend from work, it was bordering on pathetic. Didn't you notice?"
Matt shook his head, "No, I didn't."
"Of course you didn't. You were blindsided as I was by his good looks, and I suspect you'll never get over the fact that someone so attractive is interested in you, but it's the truth, Matt. Why can't you just accept your luck and get on with your life?"
Matt was silent for a while before speaking, and when he did it was slow, almost halting.
"I always imagined my life in a certain manner. The person I would end up spending my life ... well, let's just say Lorien is a slight deviation from the profile I dreamt up." Matt gave a lopsided smile. "Not that I'm complaining, but I never figured on a man like him interested in someone like myself. Mara, you have to admit, in the gay community there's a settled caste system. I belong to the working class and men like Lorien are the aristocrats. How can we possibly be happy together?"
"You're the kindest, most reasonable bigot I have ever known." Marissa said without hesitation. "You're prejudiced against handsome men, and you're more the fool for it. Lorien knows how good-looking he is. I'm fairly certain he's been told by everyone under the sun how blessed he is regarding his physical attributes. And he's dismissed it. Somewhere along the line Lorien grew out of that mental trap. Why can't you?"
"Because that option was never given to me?"
"Brilliant, as always, but you're avoiding the issue."
"I know." Matt paused for a moment, "I don't have much of a choice, do I?"
Marissa smiled, "Good boy. There's hope for you yet!"
"I really hope that grant comes through. Without that funds, I don't think I'll be able to go to New York."
"Grant for what exactly?"
"To attend a school part-time while I work at the New York branch. There's a fund allegedly available for people to further their education while working for the company. I suspect the entire thing is a hoax concocted by our HR, but who knows?"
"It doesn't hurt to try." Marissa commented as she stood up to leave. "Good luck with it all, and tell me the moment you find out!"
"I will. Thanks, Mara."
She bent over the desk and gave a light kiss on Matt's left cheek. "You are a sweetheart."
Matt spent the rest of the day in his office, ignoring various offers to lunch. Instead, he concentrated on his work while three words echoed in his head.
Do I dare?
© 2001, 2002, 2003 Copyright held by the author.