Trying Patience
Chapter Seventeen
The admiral took Julia upstairs to his room. "This is our domain."
"Our?" Julia looked around herself. It was a neat and tidy room, but quite bare. She would have believed him too if he had said it was nobody's domain. There was another reason for her question -- she had never shared, other than the nightly excursions of the past few days. Those had been pleasant, but it was nevertheless not equal to proper sharing.
"Yes, you must share it with me."
"This is your room?" she asked, postponing more relevant thoughts. "It does not look lived in."
"Well, that is probably because it is not lived in very much." He pulled open one of the closets and showed her the contents. "I do have clothes here."
"Is this the only room you have in this house?" Although the house was not very large, she was fairly sure it was large enough to boast of at least two other rooms. That would mean he had a choice. He could put her where he wanted and that was here. It would have felt differently had he had no choice.
"It is the only room I will have you in."
Julia hoped such an arrangement would not lead to any irritation about taking up too much space or time. That would be such a disappointment. "I have never -- shall we not be in each other's way?"
"Not at all. Are we at this moment?" He gestured at the space between them.
"No."
His eyes began to twinkle. "Do you plan to place yourself in my way?"
She contemplated doing that. A few steps forward and a smile was really all it would take. "Well ... I ... what would happen if I did?"
"Probably that what you wished to happen."
"You forgot to tell your housekeeper that you plan to marry me," Julia remarked hesitantly, approaching him very slowly. She was torn between wanting to be distracted and wanting to voice her concerns. "Have you changed your mind?"
"No!" He looked as if he remembered it only now. "She began to confuse me. I am sure she knows I will, though." What else could he possibly have in mind?
"I do not think so. I think you must tell her, or she will not know you intend to share your room." She did not want any embarrassing situations to arise.
The admiral snorted. "What with your having your own house in town, my bringing you to this house could not be for any other purpose."
Julia coloured. "Purpose! That sounds very...distressing."
He took her hands. "Not really. Sharing a room with me is not at all distressing and neither is marrying me. I believe."
She let out a deep sigh of frustration. "But I find it distressing to know that someone only knows we share, without knowing we shall be wed. Kiss me." That would distract her and make her feel so loved that she would no longer care.
"Such an action would only contribute to your distress, because kissing is part of the purpose of having you here," the admiral remarked logically.
"Do it. Or do you still not obey orders?" Julia failed at sounding imperative.
"Still?" He laughed at that. "It depends on whether you derive any pleasure from my obedience or from what you asked for. Or will you still not tell me?" He released her hands and sat on his bed. "Come and get your kiss."
"You are bending the rules," she protested. "I ordered you and now you are turning that around and ordering me!"
"You are a silly woman. We could have spent all this time kissing and finished well in time before dinner, but what will happen now is that we shall be late to dinner and you will worry incessantly that my housekeeper will think kissing made us late."
"Do not tease me so!"
"Teasing is kissing you at dinner and you know it." He jumped to his feet and gave her a lengthy kiss. "I shall tell her about you now and then you can stop feeling distressed."
"Mrs. Sheppard?"
"Yes, Admiral?"
He shuffled his feet a little. It was much easier to speak about household matters than about anything so close to his heart. "She is in fact my wife, but I forgot to mention that."
"Of course, Admiral."
That was a meaningless reassurance, one she was paid to give. He had to say more so she would really believe him. "You must not think ill of her for accompanying me."
Mrs. Sheppard's face did not betray anything. "You say she is your wife, Admiral. What else could she do but come with you?"
He looked away. She did not believe him at all. Of course she did not; he was lying. "I prefer doing because it is easier than talking and she prefers doing because she does not like talking."
"Respectfully, doing is not easier than talking," the housekeeper pointed out.
"It would be, if everyone interpreted matters correctly." But he agreed that he had needed to give a verbal explanation as to why he had brought a lady, so that simply doing had not sufficed. "Besides, I seem to end up being tactless when I open my mouth."
"Mrs. Henson does not seem to mind," said Mrs. Sheppard.
"Mrs. Henson --" The admiral had a sudden revelation and his eyes opened wide. There were some things he did not even know. "What if she is Lady Julia?"
Mrs. Sheppard gave him the only possible look in response to that question. "At least you know her name is Julia, Admiral."
"Would you rather have me know all about her background and nothing about her character? I am not sure she still remembers who she was. But it no longer matters. Lady Julia will probably do, unless she corrects you." He wondered what sort of memories remained after having been forced to get married at fifteen -- he could only assume it had not been her choice. She had said nothing about her life as a child; she had even said very little about her life after her marriage.
"Perhaps you should tell her," he had said to her, but nothing else.
Julia had gone downstairs, wringing her hands. He could not be expected to make the only effort in this situation and she had not protested, not even asked what she should tell the housekeeper. She waited a few moments before she entered the dining room where Mrs. Sheppard was preparing the table. "He did not tell you, I understand," she said, attempting a polite smile.
The housekeeper abandoned her work. "What should he have told me?"
"That I am going to marry the admiral."
"He says you already have, but he could not even tell me whether you are Lady Julia or Mrs. Henson."
Julia stood absolutely still. Some decision was expected from her now, she feared. Should she follow his lead and say she was Lady Julia Henson? After an eternity of silence, she spoke. "You must excuse us. We are new to scheming. Lady Julia." And now Mrs. Sheppard could decide on her own which of them spoke the truth, or how she wanted to address her.
She wanted to speak to her husband about the oversights that now came to light, but she found him humming a tune in an interesting state of undress, which altered any plans she might have had.
"Let us take a walk," the admiral said after breakfast. He wanted to stretch his legs. Sitting in a carriage all day the day before made him eager for some exercise.
Julia would like to go out, since she had nothing to do in a strange house. "But --"
"Nobody will care which old people go walking together," he assured her.
"I know people in town." She did not want to imagine meeting any. What would her acquaintances say? They might ask questions and she hardly had a sound story. Saying nothing would be equally suspicious.
"They might like your choice of friend, my dear. We have an errand to run besides." He pocketed some documents, glad for his foresight in obtaining them from her days before.
"But -- what am I worrying for? The worst thing people could think is that you are walking with me and that we are acquainted," Julia said to give herself some courage. "They would not think anything else, would they? Not if they knew me and if they did not know me, they would not wonder."
"Exactly."
"Look, it is Admiral Porter! One of my best friends. I must speak with him, I suppose. Look," he said in response to her looking around. "He is crossing the road already."
Julia tried to see who was crossing the road, but the man was obscured from view by two passing carriages. She did not know whether she would like to meet Admiral Porter, best friend or not.
"What have you captured there, John?" asked a gentleman who suddenly appeared behind them. "Or have you been captured yourself? I did not know you lent yourself to walks with the fairer sex." He bowed politely at Julia.
"Well, I am not walking with the fairer sex here," said the admiral. "I am walking with a friend."
Admiral Porter looked a little taken aback at this answer and the lack of an introduction. "Well, madam, should you wish to change to a more complimentary arm, I am at your service."
"Not yet, but thank you," Julia replied. She had not counted on being addressed so quickly, but of course her darling admiral had to speak without thinking again. "But what did you mean? Does the admiral not enjoy walking with ladies?"
"He always claims he does not, so I was surprised to see him accompanied by one. I had to cross the road to investigate." His gaze betrayed that he had indeed been interested enough to cross the road.
"And you told me nobody would care which old people went walking together," Julia said to her own admiral in a mildly accusatory tone. "We have not been out for five minutes and here is our first query." She was glad it was from an acquaintance of his, not hers.
He was all careless innocence. "I certainly never care whom everybody is walking with and I assumed it would apply to everyone."
"Madam!" exclaimed Admiral Porter. "Surely you do not mean to say that he referred to you as old?"
"His charm manifests itself in other ways," she said seriously.
"Julia!" Admiral Henson cried. He was delighted.
"I can do what you do and I must do what you do not." She turned towards Admiral Porter and curtseyed. "Lady Julia Henson. A pleasure to meet you, Admiral."
Both admirals were surprised by this introduction. "Your sister, John?" asked Porter after some thinking. "But you said friend."
"I am indeed his friend and not his sister, Admiral," Julia informed him when Admiral Henson seemed too lost in thought to speak.
"Did you say Henson?" asked Porter.
"I did."
"Now that puzzles me, Lady Julia. You could not be his wife, because --" He broke off and studied her. "Well, not because there is anything the matter with you; it is all with him."
"Your faith in your friend is touching," she said with a small smile. She was glad he did not say she could not be his friend's wife because he had not had news of their marriage.
"You are his wife," Porter concluded. He looked from one to the other. "Good grief."
"Does it shock you?" Julia inquired. She had been thinking they looked compatible and well-suited.
"Yes, it shocks me. I am going to call on you," Porter promised his friend. "Unfortunately I am on my way to an appointment."
"Admiral Porter thought you were uncomplimentary to me," Julia said to the admiral in case he had not understood.
"Was I?" He was still a little absentminded. So it would be Lady Julia and not Mrs. Henson.
"I did not mind," she said generously.
He was thinking about something else. "You lied to Porter."
"Would you like your betrothed to be less duplicitous?"
"I really do not care. I am an admiral. And you are not duplicitous to me. You merely told my friend you were married to me. It is almost true. Do you have any idea how many people say things that are almost true?"
She chuckled. "No, but you and me make two."
"You had not planned to go out, I think," he continued. Unless she had many good friends here, she would not make too many calls when she was in town, yet he did not think she had many good friends. She could never have become lonely in that case.
She gestured around. "We are out."
"Are you expected to call on people?" He did not know about duchesses. They might be expected to do more than they liked.
"Not if I am not officially home, I suppose, but I have never been in that position before." She did not expect people to call on her while she was staying with him, unless she openly declared herself to be his wife. "You, on the other hand, are officially home."
"Yes, you will see more Navy types than you care for," he agreed. Friends and acquaintances would come to see him, wife or no wife.
"Shall I see them if they will have come for you alone?" she asked. "Shall I be introduced or will you receive them in another room?"
"I do not see why I should hide you away. You might like them and I am certain they will like you."
"Do you not want to know anything about my finances before you marry me?" Julia wanted to know if they had to make any arrangements. She did not think he cared about her money if he did not even care whether she would be Lady Julia or Mrs. Henson.
"I am sure they are in perfect order, my dear. Or all settled on your grandchild," he said with a chuckle.
She turned her head towards him in surprise. That was something she had not yet mentioned to anyone. "How did you know? I have not yet had time for the settlement."
"Because you thought she was all you had left and she is your flesh and blood. I do not think I have any. Admiral Thompson and his wife there," he gestured, but he sounded regretful now.
"Not another admiral! Must he speak with you? I want you alone. Why are there so many admirals in town?" Julia complained. She would prefer a private walk with her husband, which was how she referred to him in her thoughts. They had just begun to speak about interesting things.
"Not all admirals have estates to go to. Thompson! Mrs. Thompson."
Julia heard herself introduced as Lady Julia Henson, which pleased her greatly.
Chapter Eighteen
The advantage of town was that everything was within easy walking distance. A mere four hours after setting out, Admiral and Lady Julia Henson returned to the house, not yet respectably married, but the admiral considered the licence in his pocket a good step towards this goal. There were a trifle too many admirals and the likes about to be too obvious about it.
"I take your reputation too seriously, my dear," he said to Julia after they had dined.
She guffawed. "You take my reputation too seriously to marry me instantly?"
He had given the matter some serious thought. "Walking about with a lady near that place is highly suspect, especially if one then takes that lady instantly afterwards to some church when one is not known to display any pious tendencies during the week. Considering how many invitations we received --"
"One!" Julia interrupted. They had received precisely one invitation, from Admiral and Mrs. Thompson for a small evening party at their house tomorrow.
"Exactly. That means everybody will be there, since we were not invited elsewhere."
"Oh." She wondered how everybody could be at a small evening party. Perhaps there were few people who mattered, or small parties were in fact not so small. And how could he assume all the other admirals would be at that same party?
"Considering that, we ought to consider how precisely our trip through town would be mapped out by the parties present. I saw them near those offices at two. I saw them enter a church at three. They came stumbling out of a church at half past three and did not notice me. Oh no!"
"But we are going to be there," Julia protested, suppressing her giggles. As amusing as he was making it sound, she did not think such a conversation would occur in their presence.
"That is all the more reason to tease. They would score no visible points with me, but you blush easily."
"Would I know anybody there? Or will they all pity you?" She imagined herself boring and silent, perhaps haughty and dismissive to all those people, being the only one who did not know anybody. She did not think all those admirals were as bad as this one, but that did not mean she would be able to talk with them as though they were old friends.
"I see no reason for anyone to pity me." He would bring an extremely pretty wife.
"But I do not speak."
"I know when you speak," he said, having a sudden revelation when he reviewed when she had spoken that day to the other admirals. "You forget all about that when I say something you consider in need of correction." There was a mischievous twinkle in his eyes as he imagined using that tactic.
Julia gave him a suspicious look. "Have you already done so on purpose?"
"No, not yet, but I might give it a try. I really like this idea."
"I am discovering that what you do is never unequivocally good or bad. You do your good in a bad way," she said with a look of resignation. He deserved censure for such a plan, but he did have her best interests at heart. The latter ought to count for more.
"So do you. The more disapproving you look, the more you approve," he said to provoke her.
"I ... will not bite. Why, by they way, did we have to send a doll to Julia?" she asked. He had not wanted to tell her, but he had been smugly mysterious about it, wanting her to guess. That he simply liked the girl would not be the entire explanation. It had to be something else.
"When I left I told your nephew I would send her another doll to sleep with, because I had taken hers. See, I did tell him about your departure." He looked smug again.
"Another doll to sleep with? He did not guess? A grown man does not sleep with dolls, I would say."
"Of course he did not guess. Well, not completely until he found your note, I imagine. I think he might have suspected something of our feelings, on one side or on both. But he never asked. Shall we do it tomorrow?" There was something oddly comfortable in discussing wedding plans seated together on a comfortable sofa, doing nothing else but sipping from drinks. It was also pleasant that he would not have to go out for company anymore. They would see less of him at his club.
Julia stretched her toes out towards the fire. "Do what?" she asked lazily. They had bought a doll already. They had even had it wrapped up and sent in the mail directly. Perhaps he was speaking of writing to Julian to explain everything.
"Make you respectable."
"I want to make you a respectable man," she corrected. "Since I am a respectable woman. But why could we not do it tomorrow? Are you afraid of encountering even more admirals who might fathom what we were doing?"
"No, I was thinking of the wedding night. What would you like to do about it? Perhaps you would not like spending the greater part of it among my friends, since we shall be at the Thompsons tomorrow night. But perhaps you would not feel the occasion needs to be marked especially at all."
She gave him an incredulous glance. "I cannot believe you want to speak about the wedding night." She lowered her voice as if one was not supposed to speak of it.
The admiral rolled his eyes at her. "But it is nothing but -- well, I should not like to be dragged away from the Thompsons very early because you insist on a wedding night before I fall asleep. In that case we had best marry the day after. If you will never insist on one in any case, we might as well do our business tomorrow."
"I thought it would not be business," she muttered, looking away. Long ago it had been like business, but she would not like that again.
"No, the wedding is an errand," he answered. "That what we are not to speak of is no errand, but the night following upon the wedding. You may want to spend it in raptures or in tears -- or in the company of other people."
"Oh, I am torn," Julia said after a moment. She poured both of them a glass of lemonade to have some more time to think. After she had battled her embarrassment she saw he had a point. It might be useful to give it some thought beforehand, rather than risk dissatisfied feelings because she could not think or say what she liked because she was at a party. She did not know how she was going to feel precisely. "I should like to change my impression of official wedding nights, but I also feel we have already had one and so it would not really matter."
He stretched out his legs and tried to make himself more comfortable. It did not really work. "Would you like it any better if we were married?" He had not yet obtained a good answer from her, but of course to receive a good answer one must be able to ask a good question and he was not certain he was very good at that.
She looked away. "I told you I liked it."
"No, you did not. You told me you did not dislike it very much," he pointed out. It was not entirely the same.
"That did not stop you on the next occasion," Julia said to defend her lack of clarity. He must not have taken her very literally if he had gone ahead regardless.
That was true, although he could defend himself there as well. "Because I did not initiate the next occasion. I did not even initiate the first occasion."
"I merely kissed you," she said, trying to look haughty. She had not initiated anything either. "I did not know what would ensue."
"I accept that excuse with regard to the first time," he said with a wicked grin. "But not the second. I must repeat my question. Was it because we were not married or because you were not prepared to like it at all?"
"I -- I did not know we were not married until the next morning." She drank from her glass.
He raised his eyebrows very slowly. "My dear Julia, you must explain that to me. You thought we were married -- when I arrived?"
"Do not mock me!" she exclaimed. "I did know, but I did not remember it until then. It cannot have played much of a role. Did you remember it?"
"It was you. I did not care." He smiled at her. Marriage would have been a matter of time. "So ... Julia..."
He was a beautiful man and he could smile in a very loving manner. Julia looked at him admiringly.
"Julia..." he repeated, amused by her stare. "Did you hear me? Why did you like it?"
She leant forward to refill her glass to have something else on which to focus. "It was ... different."
"How?" he inquired immediately.
"Different." That was all she could say.
"I overheard your conversation with Clementine," he said. "That was certainly about something different, was it not?" It had not referred to him. He was no fool. She should not think he was unable to draw any conclusions on his own.
"It is really bad manners to eavesdrop."
"But if that is the only way to discover how you feel..." He sighed. "Women can lie. She always made me do my duty. I never understood why, since she never had anything good to say about it, but it was better than not doing it at all. And then she died in childbirth -- when I had not seen her for a year -- so I could not even be entirely relieved. I did not think too highly of myself, but fortunately even less of women."
Julia was shocked. She looked wide-eyed as she digested that. Such betrayal! If it had only come to light after the wife's death there could indeed be no relief, because he would have been looking back to see when and why, much like had happened with Daniel. Her hand closed over his unconsciously. Death was no end, not for the ones left behind. If only secrets could be taken into the grave!
He continued. "And then you said you hated yourself! Oh, that was --"
"Painful?" she whispered. If she could feel the pain, he must certainly have felt it.
"Quite. But do not pity me too much," he said in response to her compassionate look. "I am sure I was not all that was good and sweet myself."
"But you are!"
"Now, perhaps," he smiled. "But until very recently I did not require a lot of provocation to make unfriendly comments about women. It was therefore so interesting that you immediately assumed I was the greatest flatterer in the world, simply because I made an unguarded comment about your appearance. It was even more interesting that you wanted none of it."
She was intrigued. How bad had he been before? Bitter and cynical, likely, but not too rude. "Had I been his sister, but looked like his aunt, would you have said so too?"
"No," he said with a smirk. He was not as tactless as that. "But Julia, could we return to the wedding night?"
"Whatever you wish," she said shyly. She was not yet ready to make such a complete switch in her thoughts and feelings again.
"Well, my dear, then I wish for you to be the active party after we come home from the Thompsons in the middle of the night and I am half asleep." That was a very spontaneous and wild plan and he did not know whether it was feasible at all, but he liked it.
"Heh," Julia said with a fearful gasp. "But if you are not the active party, nothing will happen." She could only imagine him falling asleep and what was she to do then but follow suit?
"Which would be good if that is what you wanted. You must make something happen if it is not what you wanted." He was leaving it entirely up to her.
She blushed. "You cannot be serious."
"I am giving you the chance to tell me and you will not. I am giving you the chance to show me and you will not. What else can a good husband do?" He was determined to be an excellent and considerate husband, he told himself.
"You could decide it for me." Several unladylike adjectives would come to mind if she said anything else.
"But that is precisely what I do not want to do," the admiral said patiently. "You are the one who just said you would like to change your impression -- to something better, I imagine -- so you implied your wedding night was awful and I doubt any of that awfulness was your choice."
"There was no choice. Not for me. I was fifteen. They had not told me I could speak, so I did not." As she said that, she realised he could take advantage of her words and he undoubtedly would.
He merely looked at her with a significant expression.
"You are such a gentleman," she said, but she had not yet decided what she would do. She could not help but think of all the bad terms that would apply to her, those terms that did not appear to occur to him at all.
"Yes, I am marrying you for fun, not for the heirs." It was good that they no longer had to think of that. He was glad he was not a duke who had to take care he married a woman young enough to give him one or more sons.
Julia was not sure that was a very gentlemanly answer, although he had probably not intended anything uncomplimentary. He would be marrying a wife, she supposed, not anything else. "I was not good at providing heirs anyway."
"I was worse," he reassured her, but at the same time he could not help but feel relieved that he had none. He imagined half a dozen children taking the side of the parent of whom they had seen the most -- it was probably best this way when he could pick his own without any others feeling slighted. "Will you marry me tomorrow? I shall need to keep the licence on me in that case. It is in my pocket."
"I will."
He was curious about the consequences for their wedding night, but he did not want to press her. The only thing he wanted to avoid was to be reproached for something when it was too late to do anything about it. Julia should make up her mind beforehand, in whichever way. He would not mind any choice -- although if he could provoke her to be a little less reserved that would be an excellent bonus, but he was in no hurry there.
"We shall drive out of town for it. Do you have a pretty gown for the Thompsons?" He wondered if they were going to have to call at her house to retrieve some clothes there, if she kept any there at all. He was under the impression that she had always spent most of the year at the estate, not in town.
"The one you like, or is it too..." She laid a hand on the area that would not be covered by the gown. It might not be appropriate for the gathering. "How do admirals' wives dress?"
"The way the admirals like it?" he suggested with a rather mystified look. He had no idea, since he had never examined their ladies that closely. "I like your dress, but do not drop any food this time."
Julia had not planned to do that ever again, although it had been a pleasant interlude. "But I doubt anybody will say that men over forty turn into infants, so I shall not have to."
"Were you imagining anyone in particular?"
She leant back against the pillows on the sofa and grinned. "Yes, you."
"But it was too odd an image to keep the food on your spoon," the admiral deduced.
"Not at all, actually. We all have to have an object and if there is no one else available, it must be the man."
He liked it when she was light-hearted. "But fortunately you have a grandchild and your husband may escape the fate of being ... er..."
Julia did not want to let him off so easily. "Unless you behave worse than the grandchild."
"Is that possible in young Julia's case?" he asked doubtfully. "She would do well with some of your restraint or I foresee trouble."
Chapter Nineteen
In the morning, they set out to get married. The admiral had thought it could be very nicely taken care of out of town, in the first village on the road, so they would definitely not be seen by anybody they knew. He was more attracted to the deviousness of such a plan than afraid of the consequences of being seen.
"The parson," Admiral Henson requested of a woman scrubbing the front steps of the church. He expected to be told that the man was inside and that they would be helped instantly.
The answer was different. "He is at his house, sir."
"Well, get him or we must live in sin. It is his duty to be here and marry us to prevent such a thing," he said commandingly. He took Julia into the church. "Or would you have wanted to drive on to the next village?"
"Not really." If that man could be found soon, she was all for getting married here. In the next village the clergyman might be even further away. "Sin?"
"They never like that word. It might work. Why is he not here? I want to be married instantly."
"Yes," she soothed. "But a few more minutes cannot do any harm."
They had been sitting for a while when a man hurriedly entered the church. "I take it you have a special licence, sir?" he asked with evident disapproval of people who resorted to such measures. They could only be in a lustful hurry, although perhaps he had expected them to be younger and more fashionable.
"Of course," the admiral answered, handing him a pile of documents. "And even a bride. I am all set."
"If you..." the clergyman gestured vaguely. "I shall be..."
"What was your name again, madam?" the admiral asked Julia to provoke the man. He succeeded in getting an alarmed stare and he grinned.
"He may not appreciate such teasing," whispered Julia, who thought he was a trifle irreverent. It was no wonder that his friends would be suspicious if they were to see them near a church during the week.
"Should I care? I am here to be married, not to become good friends with that man." He followed the parson, who was making his preparations.
"You must not take the state of matrimony so lightly," the parson berated him.
"Oh," said the admiral. "Considering the amount of money I paid for that licence I would say I take it very seriously indeed."
Although it was nothing but a formality, Julia felt an immense relief afterwards. She was now a respectably married woman and she could only smile.
"I am glad he lightened up a little after I had a word with him," the admiral commented as the carriage rolled back to town at a rather leisurely pace. It was an open vehicle and he enjoyed looking around. This should be remembered as an enjoyable excursion.
"What did you say to him?" She had wondered, but she had not been able to ask. She suspected it had been more serious than he wanted to admit.
"Well, if I had wanted you to know, I might as well have spoken in front of you. It was a mixture of truth and exaggeration and persuasion and all that. I would have said something else to you, but you needed no convincing."
Julia noticed they kept being overtaken by drivers who sometimes gave them annoyed glares, but the admiral seemed to be unaware of that. She did not want to alert him to the fact -- he might speed up to prove himself and drive them into a ditch. She almost missed his next words when another reckless young fool passed them and shouted something disrespectful.
"That I had not won you in a wager, you know. Why do you look so alarmed?"
She was relieved to hear he did not appear to have heard what had been shouted at them. "Never mind. You are very good. But --" He should remain deaf to other people. That was good. Then they would make it home in one piece.
"But what?" He had not missed that
"Nothing." She could not stop herself, however. "But you must not react to all those people who are shouting at us. I should not like that."
"Now if he were in some sort of boat ... but who cares about wheels?" The admiral did not see any point in racing anyone. "Unless you think we are going too slowly?"
"No, I do not." Julia's hand descended on his thigh rather aggressively, as if to stop him from going faster.
He glanced down. "That is a very clear order -- although I was going to give you the reins if you thought we were not going fast enough."
"Me?" She looked confused. "On a road?"
"Preferably not in the ditch, no," he said dryly, wondering if she could drive somewhere less public or not at all.
"But I mean -- I prefer to sit and watch." She was silent for a minute or two and then she spoke again. "Would you really let me drive?" She had always thought carriages were very much like guns, male toys with too much importance to be trusted to a woman.
"I trust you. You would not want me to come to any harm and so you would be careful with me. You love me."
"That is why I prefer to watch." She left a minute between sentences now. "You are very pretty."
"Pretty? You love me because I am pretty?" He had never thought of himself as such, but he was flattered to hear it now.
When they had eaten a small meal after their return the admiral was required to see to some real business and Julia had nothing to do. She sat by the upstairs window and looked at the street below. The streets in town always provided one with something to watch, at least during the first day of being in town. At the moment everything still looked pretty and interesting to her.
Among the many people who passed there was nobody she knew, but someone did come to call. Admiral Porter's card was brought up. "Where is the admiral?" she asked in a panic. "I mean mine." She did not want to receive Admiral Porter all by herself.
"He will be with you shortly, he said, unless you do not want to receive Admiral Porter, Lady Julia."
Shortly. She would have to trust in that. "Send Admiral Porter in then." She waited for him nervously, not knowing what to say to the man. He would have come for a closer inspection of her, she was sure.
"Lady Julia," he said with a bow. "I hope you are well today."
She greeted him back and then she wondered what to do. "My husband let me know he would be with us shortly," she promised. It was so wonderful that calling him husband was no longer a lie and she could not help smiling.
The admiral did not appear to find it awkward to speak with a friend's wife he did not yet know well, perhaps because she smiled so sweetly. "I came to offer you transportation to the Thompsons," he said. "It looks like rain."
"Oh ... transportation. But I am sure we have a carriage." Did her admiral not have a carriage? She thought he did, because they had driven out of town in one today. It had appeared in front of the house and they had gone away in it. She would even have been allowed to drive it. Perhaps Porter did not know they had one.
"John has no carriage," Admiral Porter said helpfully. "But he might want to keep his lady dry, I thought."
Julia would indeed like to stay dry, although her husband was very good at towelling her off. She would not be able to stay dry in the carriage they had taken today, although this man was convinced they did not have one at all. "That is very generous of you. I think we might accept your offer if he does indeed not have one, unless he has arranged something unbeknownst to me, but what were we in -- what would he usually do? Would he have walked? Is it far?"
"Not too far for him." But he implied it might be a little far for her.
"And do you not live too far from here?" she asked politely when she could think of nothing else that did not have anything to do with questioning whether her husband had a carriage or not. It would be strange, for a wife. She ought to know. "Or will it be very much out of your way to take us?"
"Oh, not at all. We live in the next street."
Accepting a ride from Admiral Porter meant they were dependent on him for their return as well. There was no telling when that might be or whether her husband would be asleep by the time they got home. Julia frowned. What was she to do if he fell asleep? She hoped he would come this instant so he could take over the conversation, but in the meantime she pretended to look out of the window to see if rain was indeed likely.
Thankfully he came in before she had needed to start another topic. She flew towards him and began to whisper. "If we accept a ride from him and you fall asleep, what am I to do?"
He looked puzzled for a second. Then he spoke over her shoulder. "Good day, Charles. Are you offering us a ride?"
"Yes, unless you bought a carriage today? I seem to have created a little confusion with my offer." Admiral Porter evidently wondered what Julia had been whispering about. "But it is going to rain, I heard."
"Is it? In that case we shall be happy to accept your offer. What time will you be heading back?"
"The usual?"
Julia did not understand why her husband began to smile at her. "Is that early or late? Will you be asleep?" she inquired. She also had to ask about that carriage.
"Do you have any plans?" he asked in a low voice. This was an interesting development, Porter offering to convey them in his carriage and Julia who seemed to have plans.
"The carriage! How come we now do not have a carriage anymore? Is that because he goes home very late and it would give me no other choice?" she whispered. He might want to arrange it in such a manner as to arrive home late for certain and she had no idea what he wanted her to do.
"Charles, just a moment," he said. Then he turned back to her. "Julia, I borrowed the neighbours' carriage this morning. I am not trying to manipulate you in any way. Why are you so anxious?"
She betrayed that a little more now that he had guessed. "What do you expect of me?"
For a while he said nothing. Then he spoke. "Trust me."
Julia blinked a few times. "Could I not disappoint you?" She wanted to do what he expected her to do and nothing less.
He did not seem to think that deserved an answer, because he only pulled her arm through his and held her hand so she could not walk away. "Well, Charles. We shall drive with you."
"It was confusing me already! Getting a wife, getting a carriage -- I was beginning to think my old friend possessed by evil spirits." He eyed the linked arms with something akin to amazement.
"I had borrowed one. Carriage, not wife." He sat down, dragging Julia with him. "Why evil?"
"Well, different! Mrs. Porter was unbelievably intrigued."
Then she was probably keen on discovering more, since it had been very sunny that morning and there might not be any rain at all that evening. "Are we really to thank Mrs. Porter for the offer of the ride, Charles?"
"She thought of it before I could," Admiral Porter said with an apologetic smile. "But you know I would have thought of it as well. Shall we come at four?"
"At four?" Admiral Henson glanced at the clock. "That is in an hour! How must I dress Julia and myself in an hour?" Her maid had not yet arrived. Such discoveries were always made at the wrong moment.
Seemingly only Julia noticed his friend's baffled expression and for some reason it amused her. Obviously the idea of her husband assisting her to dress was a very strange one. She did not agree, although it was perhaps an inconvenient one with only an hour to spare, and she turned towards him. "I can do that myself. If you helped me we might be late." She smiled just mischievously enough for an onlooker to conclude they would not be late because the admiral was clumsy.
"Er...yes," said Admiral Porter, astonished. "I should go and dress myself. Will see you in an hour."
"Now he will tell Mrs. Porter that I dress you," the admiral said in amusement, taking her upstairs.
"Would he?" Julia wondered. "Would he betray you? Assuming she is going to think it as odd as he."
"She would think it odd that I would do such a thing, yes."
She did not understand that. He had been so patient and careful with her. How could someone who had known him for longer not know of what he was capable? Perhaps the woman did not want to know. "Does Mrs. Porter not like you?"
"I have never wondered about that. Does it matter? She is married to Charles." He thought for a few more moments. "She cannot dislike me. She lets me call her Betsy." That must be a favourable sign.
"Betsy."
"She is a Betsy, but it is not her name." He had had problems remembering her proper name long ago because he had not considered it at all fitting.
Julia looked suspicious. "Is Betsy some sort of naval cant for ... ?" Although she supposed he would not be allowed to call the woman anything disrespectful.
He smiled. "For Evangeline."
"That makes no sense!" she exclaimed.
"It will if you see her. She is a Betsy. Evangelines would be rather more like ... not like Mrs. Porter."
"And what am I?"
"You are --" He embraced and kissed her instead.
"John! I was afraid of this!" Julia protested. "You will make us late." She realised too late that he would never think they really needed fifty minutes to get dressed and that he would probably want to prove it.
At a quarter to four, Admiral Henson rang his bell. "Beckett, in fifteen minutes Admiral Porter will come to pick us up, but where have you put Her Ladyship's shifts and stockings?"
"Fifteen minutes?" Beckett gasped upon seeing his master's lack of proper attire. "Why did you not ring sooner, Admiral?"
"We did not have any need for them sooner." He had thought fifteen minutes was long enough, but he had not counted on everything been hidden.
"But if I do not find them quickly enough you will blame me for your lateness."
"On the contrary. I know exactly what to blame for my lateness." He gave his wife a glance. "But what do you mean, if you do not find them quickly enough? You hid them!"
Julia sat brushing her hair, wearing a sort of robe. She had already resigned herself to being late, but she could at least already start with her hair. "Have you also hidden my hairpins, Beckett?" she inquired when the dressing table's surface turned out to be surprisingly tidy. Everything she had laid down here yesterday was now gone.
"Your Ladyship may find them in one of the small drawers. Where the Admiral keeps his comb."
There was some method to Beckett then. "Are my stockings also with his stockings then?" she wondered.
"Temporarily," he said, implying that in case they found fault with this arrangement, it could be changed.
"And my shifts are with his..." She could not think of anything similar there.
"Trousers."
"Beckett! Your sense of logic failed you there," she commented with an amused smile. "Shifts are undergarments and trousers are not. Does the admiral know where his stockings and trousers are?"
"Julia!" the admiral protested. Of course he knew where to find his own clothes. He could even dress himself on his own. He was not a duke.
"Get some clothes for me, my dear," she ordered. "Beckett, will you get him a nice coat that matches my low gown? Do you think you could do that in less than two minutes?"
"I have hung them in a matched order," the valet revealed.
Perhaps Admiral and Mrs. Porter had calculated that their passengers would be a little late and they wanted to spare them this embarrassment, because their carriage was not seen until a few minutes past four.
Julia's earlier confidence was slowly deserting her. "What do admirals do at parties?" she asked as they descended the steps towards the street.
He did not really know that beforehand. It tended to vary, as at any gathering. "You must have had evening engagements before."
"But never with admirals."
"What makes them so special?"
She wondered about that and could not come up with a good answer he could not reject. Of course they were special in the sense that they were all his acquaintances, but he would not consider that a valid reason to fear them. "Do they play paper games all evening?"
"No." He did not think so. "But you may join in if they do. It will make you an instant favourite." Most ladies would have the same reaction she had had at first.
Admiral and Mrs. Porter had come out of their carriage for the introductions. Mrs. Porter was short and was never still for a moment. Her movements were not nervous, however, but it merely seemed impossible for her not to move. Her face was reddish and wrinkled and she looked very little like a daunting lady. Perhaps she was not even a lady, but Julia did not see why she was a Betsy. Those were larger, she would say.
Mrs. Porter studied Julia curiously when they were all in the carriage. Her greeting had been polite, but obviously she did not believe in false kindness. She did not say she was delighted that their old friend had married Julia. She did not say Julia was sure to become a great friend of hers. There were none of those comments she might not mean.
Julia valued straightforwardness when she was at her least confident, although she would have preferred to be liked. She suddenly wondered if her gown would not give everybody the wrong impression of her. They might think her a temptress. She fidgeted anxiously when she thought of the short period during which she had captured her husband -- because that was what people would think. They might think him a victim and her low-cut gown would only serve to underline that. Of course Mrs. Porter was waiting to see what she was really like before she offered any congratulations. That made sense. She might think the admiral had been dazzled and bewitched and he could only become unhappy when he was finally distracted from her neckline.
"What is it?" asked Admiral Henson.
"I want to go home," Julia blurted out and then regretted her outburst. She was not a child.
"Why? Alone?"
"I feel miserable." She had no option but to tell him, even if the Porters could hear. She had her pride, but it might make them think differently of her.
"Why?"
She did not answer him, but glanced out of the window, feeling her misery increase. A woman of her age and standing should not fall prey to such emotions and she should certainly not betray her foolishness if he could not guess.
The admiral thought he knew what was ailing her, at least he hoped so. It could only be connected to what she had been fretting about before. "Julia?"
She tore her eyes away from the window, avoiding the Porters. She did not want to see their faces when her husband reprimanded her for being foolish. "Yes?"
"You cannot prefer always to stay at home." He was certain that she would no longer mind visiting them when she knew his friends better. Then it would be much like being home.
"Yes," she said uncompromisingly. She wanted it to be clear that she could not easily change her feelings on this matter. If that were so, they would have improved years ago.
"Oh."
Julia was surprised. Was that all he was going to say on the subject? But she had spoken too much already and she did not ask. She resumed her observation of the street, wondering what he thought of it.
"Stay by me all evening."
"Really?" she asked hopefully. That might help. He would do the speaking and she would only need to smile now and then. She could do that.
"Really," he assured her.
Julia looked out of the window again, but this time she smiled.
Admiral Thompson lived in a grand house in front of which a short queue of carriages stood waiting until its occupants had alighted.
Julia was glad she had at least met the host and hostess before, however briefly. She had tried to look at other people, but their number daunted her and she was only at leisure to observe them when they had entered the large reception room of the Thompsons. Despite the queue in the street, the room was practically empty. It appeared that the first three carriages had arrived at the same time.
It did not make Julia comfortable in the least to see the other women flock around Mrs. Porter. She imagined they were asking about the woman who come in the Porters' carriage. She clung to her husband's arm a little more tightly, so he would not abandon her in the middle of the room.
The admiral had seen yet another admiral, but he did not mind very much that he had Julia on his arm. They began to speak about his upcoming voyage and although Julia tried to follow it, her mind began to wander. The particulars of ships, fleet and commanders meant nothing to her.
"Forgive me, Lady Julia," Mrs. Porter whispered by her elbow. "But you do look a little bored. Come and sit by me. He will come for you when he is done."
It would be impolite to refuse and Julia allowed herself to be taken to two chairs at the edge of the room. She hoped Mrs. Porter would talk, for she would not be able to think of anything on her own.
"I hope you did not feel unwelcome, but I was extremely surprised to hear of Admiral Henson's marriage. He was always so decided against it that I never considered it possible for him to succumb so quickly."
Julia could not explain it either. "But I am glad he did."
"He behaves quite oddly now. Or so it seems to us." But evidently it was an amusing sort of oddness and nothing something reproachable.
"Oddly?" Julia forced herself to inquire. "By saying he would dress me, you mean? He did think your husband would report that to you."
Mrs. Porter laughed. "Well, that is one example. Yes, that was odd information indeed."
"It would have been odd behaviour for my first husband as well. It was odd for me too to experience that husbands might be so helpful," Julia revealed. "But it seems so natural to him that I wondered why you would think it odd, considering you have known him for longer."
"To be honest, it does make a difference who requires dressing," Mrs. Porter said diplomatically, "and quite possibly his past did not always show him behaving naturally."
"And he did not really dress me; he merely handed me some clothes because my maid is still packing," said Julia to defend both of them. "Although perhaps he might have..."
"That does not matter. He did not growl at you to hurry and fend for yourself, did he?"
"Growl? He can growl?" Julia looked absolutely shocked. She could not imagine that at all. Perhaps that one time when he had been a little angry and frustrated with her he had come closest, but it was still not what she would call growling.
"Everyone can growl when provoked."
"But I only seem to provoke him into mischief." She supposed that was good.
"Now that is more natural behaviour for him," said Mrs. Porter with a chuckle. "How do you like it?"
"I am becoming used to it," Julia said cautiously.
"Of course you must, since he will probably be home much more than he used to, what with the state of the world and the number of admirals."
"There do seem to be a great many of them," Julia remarked, glancing around the room. "But will he really be home often? He is sailing soon."
"Yes, he may choose to stay home more often if you do not want to go with him. Since my youngest went to school I have been on many trips, but that is not to everyone's tastes."
"Well, I..." Julia frowned as she fiddled with her gown. She had been thinking about it and it was encouraging to hear that Mrs. Porter had been on many trips voluntarily. It could therefore not be very bad. "I do not know what it is like at all, but I feel I cannot say it is not to my liking if I have never tried it. I could not do that to him."
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