Stella Rosa
The Holy Day of Yom Kippur* fell
on October 1 that year. I had not given much thought to what I was going to do.
It was my family's custom to spend this day in fasting, prayer and reflection.
Perhaps the most important holiday of the year, El Dia Puro was also a mournful
one. There was no simcha** but at the conclusion of it, when the sun set, and
the family gathered together to break the fast. But even then, we were mindful
of what this day meant to us as people and Judiyos. For this was the only
holiday our ancestors observed in the black days of the Spanish Inquisition.
While I adored celebrating most
Hebrew holidays with my family, I was always burdened by human presence on Yom
Kippur. This year in particular, I dearly wished to be alone. For I had much to
ponder. Thus, I was presented with a rather unpleasant predicament---how to tell
my beloved husband that his company was unwelcome to me.
To my desire to be alone that
night he readily, though reluctantly, acquiesced. But when I did not come down
to breakfast, he appeared in my bedroom as I sat on my bed, a prayer book in my
hands, whispering atonement prayers to myself.
"Stella," he knocked gingerly on
the doorframe. His voice startled me, for I was entranced. My concentration was
broken in the middle of a prayer; the book fell out of my hands and I lost my
page.
"You have not come down to
breakfast," he said. "Are you not well?"
"I am fine," I said, knowing
that my physical state belied my words to him. For in my attempt to truly observe
Yom Kippur, I did not dress or wash my face that day, nor had I eaten anything
since the night before, and was now cruelly tortured by nausea.
"You have not eaten," he said. I
smiled.
"This is the point of it," I
explained to him.
"What, not to eat?"
"'Tis a fast, William," I said.
"But you are with child!" he
noticed fairly. "Surely an exception can be made."
"Perhaps," I said. "But I do not
wish an exception to be made for me, sir. I am perfectly capable of weathering
twenty-four hours without food."
"I protest," William persisted.
"You must eat!"
"Sir, my condition is not a
sickness. I feel quite fine---better, in fact, than it is proper to feel while
fasting." I said. "I shall not eat."
"I am absolutely aghast you
would do your body such a penance---I your condition, madam!" he cried.
"Please," I begged him. "You
have shown such amazing liberality when it came to my religion and
traditions---but this one time, William, is truly important. Please do not
pressure me, William."
"Had it been your health alone,"
he said angrily, "I should have desisted. But as this concerns our child,
madam, I shall not. You shall eat."
"You cannot force me," I
uttered, raising my chin.
"Oh, madam, you watch me," he
said fiercely and walked out of the room.
Of course, he could not make
me---after all, he would not force the food down my throat.. But as he left, I
realized that in the house, I would have no peace. And so I dressed quickly,
without alerting my maid, and braided my hair loosely. Taking my prayer book and
wrapping a shawl around my shoulders, I slid out of my room---just in time, for,
as I turned around the corner, I saw William return, trailed by a servant
carrying a tray of food. They did not see me, but I knew that a moment later, a
frantic search for Lady Stella should ensue; and so I hurried.
I left the house through the
front doors and turned left immediately, hiding myself in the maze of the
gardens. No-one saw me and no-one called for me to turn back. I walked quickly,
clutching my shawl about my shoulders. I knew that William would be furious
with me; but this was important to me, and I should even risk his extreme
displeasure---only to be alone that day. Very soon, I lost myself in the
woodland, which began immediately behind the house.
When I was reasonably certain
that my seclusion would afford me at least of few hours of uninterrupted time,
I sat down in the moss under a tall pine, and, leaning my head against it,
closed my eyes. Somehow, I had lost all need of my prayer book. The prayer I
was to read was etched in my heart. For years, I had repeated the Ashamnu along
with the entire congregation; now, the duty was mine alone, and never did I
feel a stronger need to say it.
Ashamnu***. I have been guilty. I have followed my
heart selfishly and it has led me to betray my people, my family, my father. I
have eaten forbidden things and broken the rules of kashrut.
Bagadnu. I have betrayed. I have been
treasonable. I have had forbidden relations.
Gazalnu. I have stolen---stolen my parents' peace,
breaking their hearts.
Dibarnu Dofi. I have spokn falsely---to those who love
me most.
He'evinu, V'hirshanu. I have caused others to sin. I have
caused my sister to lie for me.
Zadnu, Chamasnu. I have become violent; I have scorned
the honor of Shabbat. I have scorned the honor of my parents.
Tafalnu Shequer. To my other sins, I have attached lies.
Kizavnu. And I lied, again and again, for good
and bad reason.
Maradnu: I have rebelled. My flesh has rebelled;
my heart has rebelled; my spirit has rebelled.
Niatznu: I have scorned the Holiness of Israel.
Sararnu : I have been defiant; I have turned from
G*d's path.
Avinu : I have been perverse; I have fulfilled
my appetite for my beloved's embrace when it was a grievous sin for me to do
so.
Rashanu. I have been lawless; I have disobeyed my
father and escaped my family, causing it disrepute.
Tainu, Titanu. I have gone astray.
Having finished, I sat back,
leaning against the tree, the last words of my supplication still ringing in my
ears. There, I said it. I had gone astray. From my father, my family, the ways
of the Hebrew women. Driven by the desires of my heart, I had abandoned the
world I cherished, and, as if in punishment, it purged me from its ranks. As
this realization sunk in, I raised my eyes to the sky and asked G*d's
forgiveness for all the ways I had sinned against Him.
But any amnesty I should ask for
would have to be for the future as well as the past. For, though I sharply
realized al the ways in which I had sinned, a thought to cease never once
crossed my mind. Not even the practical impossibility of my return to the
juderia prevented me from thinking of it: had it even been possible, I should
never return. For my very life was now tied, inextricably, to my husband. I
loved him dearly even as we eloped; but the attachment, which I had developed
for him since our wedding, rendered me utterly unapologetic for my sins, though
sharply cognizant of them. His presence was like air to me, so overwhelming was
my need to be near him at times. (?) However much I grieved what I had to do, I
also knew that I would continue doing it until the very last day of my life.
I remained under the tree for a
long time. After a while, I ceased praying and simply sat there, leaning
against the tree and listening to the child inside of me. My mind was
exhausted, but my heart was now light. At length, I drifted away.
I was woken by someone's gentle
touch against my cheek. Opening my eyes, I expected to see William, but saw,
awash in the glow of the setting sun, a solitary white figure. Suddenly short
of breath, I made to rise to my feet, but they did not obey me, and I sat back,
slumped against the tree. My heart in my throat, I looked up at my father, as
he leaned closer and his fingers brushed my cheek again. I must have gasped or
cried out; I know not, for my senses were usurped by the vision, harrowing yet
beautiful, which presented itself to my fevered eyes. I was never the one to
believe in ghosts; yet, the apparition before my eyes left me no doubts. I
remember whispering, "Papa!", as my father leaned and placed a kiss on my
forehead, as he often did when I was a little girl. There was such love, such
tenderness in his gaze, I felt tears flow indiscriminately down my cheeks.
Leaning lower, my father laid a hand on my stomach and, by the look in his
eyes, I knew that he blessed this child of mine. As he retreated into the
setting sun, my father seemed loath to release my face; his fingers tarried on
my cheek.
"Baruch ha-Shem,
galanica****," he mouthed almost silently. "Blessed be His name." Galanica.
This is what he had called me long ago, when I was still a girl in his house in
Whitechapel.
Slowly, his figure dissipated in
the red glow of the sunset. Reaching for him, I only grasped air. A moment
later, he was gone, leaving me all alone.
I do not know how long I sat;
the sun had set, and I was beginning to feel the effects of hunger. The child
in me kept still, as if becalmed by the touch of the ghostly hand. Exhausted, I
scrambled back to my feet and, my legs shaky, made my way back to the house.
Halfway there, I bumped into my husband, who, along with Mr. Fenwick and
several of his men, had been combing the surrounding areas for me since
lunchtime and was now utterly sick with worry.
"Oh, my love," he grasped my
shoulders, looking intently into my face. "Where---where were you?"
I told him. He stared at me in
disbelief.
"Impossible," he said. "We have
gone through all the woods at least three times---you were not there."
I did not know how to prove to
him that I, indeed, had spent the day in the nearby forest, under a tall pine.
Mr. Fenwick gazed at me thoughtfully from his horse.
"Pardon me, Hester," he said
softly, "but perhaps you should not query Lady Stella here."
William took his suggestion to
heart and legged me quickly into his own saddle atop Zanzibar. That night, in
our chamber, having broken my fast, I sat, shivering, in the bathtub. Under Dr.
Younge's explicit instructions, I was not to take overly hot baths, lest I
should miscarry. But even Dr. Younge would have found he tepid water in the tub
wanting.
Lucy came in with more hot
water. She balked slightly at the sight of the master, who had perched himself,
silently, on the edge of a vanity.
"Thank you, Lucy," William said,
taking the water from her. "I shall attend to Lady Stella from here."
She left, and William bid me to
leave the tub, so that he could add the water without scalding me. I did as
told, and stood, dripping and holding my arms, as he made the water hotter. His
shirtsleeves rolled up above his elbows, William leaned to check the water.
"I think this should do," he
said. As I stepped towards the tub, he held me back and stared, quizzically, at
my body.
"I can see it now," he said,
drawing his hand against my rather well-pronounced mound of a stomach. "And
your breasts-" he added, pensively. Shivered, I sneezed, and he came to his
senses.
"Come, get into the water, " he
said, as he helped me in. As I settled, comfortably, in the warm water, he
knelt on the side, laying his chin upon his folded hands. "Stella," he said.
"Where were you today?"
I sighed. "I was in the woods
behind the house. Quite near to where you found me," I added, and seeing his
incredulous mien, dared. "William, I have to tell you something."
As I told him of my encounter in
the forest, his eyes grew round.
"You must be unwell to
hallucinate," he said and laid a hand upon my forehead. "You have a fever... That
is what not eating for twenty-four hours will do to you!" he added, rather
angry.
"No, William, I feel fine," I
smiled, and brought his hand to my lips. "But I think I know what I saw. And I
think perchance that was why you could not find me."
He shook his head with abandon.
"This is the most preposterous thing I have ever heard!" he said.
"What would you rather believe?"
I asked him. "That I lied to you about my whereabouts?"
He considered it. "No," he said.
"That we somehow missed you on our search!"
I ignored his stubbornness, and
went on.
"William, I think he forgave
me."
"Your father?"
"Yes---I think he forgave me, and
blessed our child. "
He smiled softly. "Well my love,
I am glad of that. If that is what you saw, who am I to tell you otherwise? But
Stella," he reached into the bathtub and reached for my hand. "You have given
me the fright of my life. Please do not leave me anymore."
"Please do not try to feed me
when I am fasting?"
"Please do not fast when you are
pregnant?"
"No," I said, resolutely. "That
is impossible. I plan to do this every year. Perhaps when planning our next
babe, we should restrain ourselves enough to consider the timing of Yom
Kippur."
"Oh," William sighed torturously. "That is quite hard, my dearest..."
* The Day of Atonement,
observed on 10 Tishri. Roughly falls in late-September to mid-October.
Considered the most important Jewish holiday. A 25-hour fast is prescribed, as
well as reflection on and prayer for the forgiveness of one's sins before G*d.
** joy (Heb.)
***Ashamnu Vidui is a communal prayer. It is said together on teh first night
of Yom Kippur, during the Kol Nidre service. It is a supplication to G*d for
forgiveness of sins committed against Him.
****Thank G*d (Heb.), my girl
(Ladino).
© 2002 Copyright held by the author.