Posted on 2008-10-31

Darcy could not stop a smile from spreading across his face when he took in the sunshine. It would surely be warm enough, even at this early hour, to take a quick dip, and be in Lambton the moment it became proper to make calls.

His Elizabeth.

His beautiful, darling Elizabeth was not five miles from where he stood. He should not, he thought, be calling her his beautiful Elizabeth; after all, she had refused him and with good grounds. He had not thought them good grounds at the time, but he knew now that nothing Elizabeth did was ever wrong.

Darcy knew he could not present himself to her in his current trembling state. Thus the idea for the quick dip. It would refresh him and remove the tremors from his being so he could present himself in front of Elizabeth as a gentleman.

Pemberley was a magnificent estate; it could do the wooing for him, thought Darcy. All he needed to do was act as a gentleman, and not study too much for perfection.

Without telling his valet where he was going, or waking Bingley, who often liked to frolic with him in the little lake, and certainly without waking Miss Bingley or her sister, Darcy stole down to his favourite lake.

No one but stable hands and unvirtuous women would be around at this hour, so Darcy had no problems shucking off his clothes quickly (there would be nothing they had not seen before, so there would be no issue displaying his virtues to them), before sinking into the attractive inviting water.

The water reminded him that just the day before he had taken this very swim and then, in a state of some disarray, had almost run into Elizabeth. He had noticed her eying him coyly, clearly not affronted by his attire. The thought sent blood coursing through his body.

No, he thought, she was not entirely indifferent to him.

Something stirred beneath the water.

Darcy frowned. That had never happened before. Particularly not when he thought of a woman.

He looked around to make sure he was alone before he ducked his head under the water to have a good look. There was something definitely moving, of its own accord.

Darcy would later say it was a manly yell that erupted from his lungs, but anyone else would have called it a shriek, as a tentacle pierced the surface of the lake. It waved around a bit, and Darcy suppressed the urge to wave back, before it slid back underneath the surface.

At this point perhaps any sane individual would have left the lake, but Darcy was made of sterner stuff. Perhaps that port he drank at dinner had had a curious effect?

He had to say it was not a hallucination when two tentacles tried to give him an affectionate hug.

Darcy was pulled under the water and since he was naked as the day was born the suckers stuck uncomfortably to certain areas of his body, and he was entirely without weaponry.

Well almost entirely without weaponry.

He had that one weapon all men were born with and he put it to good use.

Of course if it had been any other situation Darcy would have seen how effective his punch had been. A bloody nose, a reel backwards, but on a mysterious tentacled beastie in his lake? How to tell whether it had been discombobulated?

To ensure success, Darcy kicked at the beast several times before taking advantage of its confusion he swam with all his might to the bank of the lake and hauled himself up.

Panting, and placing himself far enough away from the edge in case it attempted to pull him back in, Darcy tried to recollect himself. He would have to have strong words with his gamekeeper! It was entirely inappropriate to keep such a beast in his favourite lake. It would have to be moved immediately.

Darcy realised his nakedness and his eyes flew over to the pile of clothes on the rock nestled into the lake. He loved diving off that rock, and when he was sure only unvirtuous people were about, he liked to lie on that rock and tan.

A quick dash and grab and his clothing would be back in his possession. But just as Darcy got up the nerve to do so, a tentacle burst out of the water and snatched, one by one, each item of clothing.

Darcy gaped! What was he to do now? He had no clothes! He would have to walk back, in some shame, to the house!

What if Miss Bingley saw? There would be no getting rid of her if she did!

It was worse than Miss Bingley. Darcy had no sooner passed into the little wooded area between the lake and the house than Elizabeth appeared on the path.

“Mr Darcy!” she said, shocked and, if Darcy could be so bold, speculative.

Darcy leapt behind a small branch, “I beg your pardon, Elizabeth!”

A thud broke their locked gaze. Darcy had failed to see that Elizabeth had brought Mrs Gardiner with her.

That should be no surprise; Elizabeth might walk around her own environs on her own, but she would always bring a chaperone on holiday.

“Oh Aunt!” cried Elizabeth, falling to her knees. “Assist me, Mr Darcy! Do you have some smelling salts!?”

Darcy coughed, “I confess I have nowhere to put smelling salts.”

“Really? I had thought …” Elizabeth paused, “Of course, forgive me. Perhaps waving this leaf over my aunt will be of assistance.’

It did the trick and Mrs Gardiner revived, except on attempting to sit up she was once again confronted with the sight of Darcy and her eyes crossed. “My how dependable…..Elizabeth. How dependable a niece you are! That is what I meant. I was not thinking of magnificent….” Mrs Gardiner broke off.

“Magnificent?” said Elizabeth, adorably confused.

‘Penmanship!” said Mrs Gardiner. “I confess I am not feeling well. I should at once retire to the house,” and with that Mrs Gardiner toddled off.

She clearly was not in her right mind; otherwise she would have not left her virtuous niece along with a naked man.

The virtuous niece who growled.

Darcy blinked; surely he had misheard that, a young lady never growled.

“Mr Darcy,” said Elizabeth, definitely not growling, “I find myself quite overcome by your fine estate. To think: of all this I could have been mistress.”

“Pemberley is quite an attraction!” said Darcy, “I find everyone who sees it quite falls in love with it!”

“I am not surprised. But, Sir, will you not take my bonnet?”

“Your bonnet?” Darcy was confused.

“To protect your attraction, it would not do for everyone to fall love with it as I have done.”

Oh, thought Darcy. He had not thought Elizabeth that kind of woman. He was grievously disappointed. But he could hardly refuse the offer of her bonnet. It would protect his dignity, just.

But it was his fault. Elizabeth would have never acted this way if she had not laid eyes on him! He had compromised her virtue and the only way to rectify this was marriage. He stumbled over his words as he imparted his sudden wisdom to her, but he fancied it was a better proposal than the first. He put the proper emphasis on it all being his fault, and how she was a blameless angel.

“You know, Mr Darcy, I think I will marry you. Now that I have seen your fine estate.”

Without quite knowing how, Darcy found himself at the altar. It was the fulfilment of all his dreams, to marry Elizabeth with the blessing of all his and her family. Of course, Lady Catherine had not blessed their union; instead, she had written vague portents of doom were upon the marriage.

Lady Catherine liked her portents so Darcy was unconcerned.

When the vicar had declared them man and wife Darcy could have cheered. To think a Kraken, for Elizabeth had showed him a picture of his attacker and made him learn the name, had brought them together!

“What are you thinking, my dear?” said Elizabeth, looking up at him from the bed. Clearly the journey from Longbourn had been uneventful for he could not even remember it.

“I am thinking how happy I am that a Kraken brought us together.”

“And I am so happy it has done so,” Elizabeth fingered her nightgown. “My dear, should we not go down to the lake, to pay proper tribute to our matchmaker?”

“In the middle of the night!?” To go to Pemberley straight after the wedding, surely they were tired.

“It is very romantic. The stars. The little pretty corpse.”

The pretty copse of trees near the lake was a very romantic and picturesque spot and Darcy had been intent on taking a picnic down there the very next day. But it would be even more dramatic at night.

“Very well, you know I could not refuse you anything!”

Darcy helped Elizabeth, who had only put a spencer on over her nightgown, over the meadows. But as he was moving left towards the grouping of trees, she pulled him right towards the lake.

“This is not the way to the pretty copse!”

“Yes, it is!” exclaimed Elizabeth, dragging him right down to the lake’s edge, and there, half submerged, was the corpse of the Kraken.

“A pretty corpse!” Elizabeth clapped her hands together with glee. “I could not bear to think someone had molested your virtue, husband, so I killed it.”

Darcy looked in horror at the mangled corpse and back at his wife. “You killed it?”

“Yes! And you know what, husband, what is better than a pretty corpse? Pretty corpses!”

From her magnificent bosom, Elizabeth drew forth a bloody knife and both it and her eyes gleamed in the moonlight.

“GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Darcy shot upright with horror. It took him a moment to realise where he was. He was safe in his bed at Pemberley. He had not exposed himself to Elizabeth and she had most certainly had not ever waved a bloody knife at him. It had all been a most unsettling dream.

He would have to speak to Mrs Reynolds about that port she had served at dinner. It had disagreed with him something appalling.

“My dear, what is the matter?”

“It is nothing, a bad dream, go back to sleep.” He had not meant to wake his bed partner, the love of his life, who would never dream of murdering Kraken!

“Darling, if you have had a bad dream you should tell me. Otherwise you might dream the same thing twice, and I cannot have you all disordered in the morning! Only I should have that right.”

Darcy sighed, he should have known he would not be able to fob his love off.

“Well, George, it was like this…”