Chapter One

Posted on 2011-04-03

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

All letters to Amy are subject to publication in the Highbury High Chronicle. Names and email addresses will be kept strictly confidential.

Dear Amy,

Languishing in Love

Dear Languishing,

There are two possibilities here: one, that you've found yourself firmly in 'friends' territory with her; two, that she likes you back but doesn't know how to show it. Don't give up hope yet.

My advice is that you show her some subtle signs that mean you want to be more than friends: smile at her, make eye contact for a little longer than usual, touch her arm gently when you speak to her, etc. If you're still unsure about her feelings, make like you're going to ask her out; if she seems to be open to the idea, go for it – if not, save face and back down by proposing an outing for a whole bunch of your friends.

However, I think I know the girl you're talking about, and if you are who I think you are, then I'd say that you two are tailor-made for one another, and that you have nothing to worry about. :)

Amy

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Dear Amy,

No Longer Languishing

Dear No Longer,

What did I tell you? ;-) Congratulations!

Amy

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

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Dear Amy,

Undecided

Dear Undecided,

As you said, you're new in school and you don't know this boy all that well; presumably he doesn't know you all that well himself. You're unsure about him, and you just got here – why rush into a relationship right now?

Take some time to look about you before settling for the first guy who asks you out – he sounds a little desperate if you ask me, and if you're who I think you are, then you could do so much better.

Amy

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Dear Amy,

Wanna Be Her Prince Charming

Dear Prince,

It sounds like you've been quite pro-active when it comes to your feelings – you've already done much of what I'd usually advise, and you seem to have gotten her approval as well. Well done!

You've done the groundwork, you've received some positive signs – I'd say... what are you waiting for? Go for it!

And if you're who I think you are, then I think you'll have no trouble. Good choice!

Amy

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Dear Amy,

Plus you're supposed to be so objective and neutral, but I don't think you are at all! You base your advice on what you want to happen depending on who you think the person writing to you is. Well, let me say, that I think I know who you are, and if I'm right about your identity, I've tried to convince you in person of the dangers of meddling in other people's lives. One of these days you'll bitterly regret it.

A Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned,

I don't know who you are or who you think I am (or indeed, who you think you are), but you can take your concern and shove it.

Amy

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

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Dear Amy,

Romeo

Dear Romeo,

Wow, that sounds like a pretty tough predicament. Be warned – you might not like my advice. I think your girlfriend is right in wanting to let her parents know. You can't keep this hidden forever, and they'd only get more mad if they found out from somewhere else.

I think the two of you should tell her parents the truth, and then if they want you two to stop seeing each other, respect their rules and comply. But let her parents get to know you, and show them that they can trust you and that you are sincere in your feelings for their daughter, and maybe they'll reconsider.

By the way, I have no idea who you are – but good luck!

Amy

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

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Dear Amy,

Despairing

Dear Despairing,

Please don't despair! That special someone is out there somewhere waiting for you, and you will find him. In the meantime, I'd say you should be glad you found out so soon what a complete, horrible, insincere, arrogant jerk that guy is. Now that you know, you can move on to someone way better (although granted, that's not hard). If he could lead you on like that, he totally doesn't deserve you, and you shouldn't waste another thought on him!

It sounds like you have a really good friend; surround yourself with people like her – people who you know you can count on, and who won't stab you in the back for the sake of a boy. But don't beat yourself up about this mentally challenged idiot liking your friend better than you – if he couldn't recognise your good qualities, it's his loss entirely. Be yourself, be happy, and don't let him get you down.

Amy

To: jerry.knight@gmail.com
From: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
Time Sent: Mon, March 17, 2010 at 8:56 pm
Subject: Don't say 'I told you so'

You were right. Yes, I admit it. You were right, and I was wrong about that jerk, and I really goofed things up with Hannah. You don't have to lecture me – I feel awful about it. :(

I've learned my lesson – really. If I ever give anyone advice again, it'll only be in the capacity of Ask Amy.

Are we friends again?

To: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
From: jerry.knight@gmail.com
Time Sent: Mon, March 17, 2010 at 8:56 pm
Subject: It's okay – I won't

I know you're feeling bad enough without me gloating. But I will say that I'm glad you found out how things really stood before it went much further. Hope Hannah will be okay.

And yes, we'll always be friends. :)

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

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Dear Amy,

Prince Charming

Dear Prince Smarmy,

Was there a purpose to your letter? Did you want to ask my advice on anything, or did you simply want to gloat?

People like you make me sick – maybe if you had looked a little closer at the 'stuck-up cow's' friend, you might have seen a really lovely person who could have made you happy. But no, you're clearly incapable of anything that accepting and decent.

Hope you're happy with your 'hot' new girlfriend. Have a nice life, loser.

Amy

Chapter Two

Posted on 2011-04-09

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

All letters to Amy are subject to publication in the Highbury High Chronicle. Names and email addresses will be kept strictly confidential.

Dear Amy,

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Why are you even with this guy? You've told him how you feel about lying to your parents, and about his behaviour towards that other girl, and yet he doesn't seem to respect your opinions. It's not fair to your parents, it's not fair to you, and it's not fair to that other girl whose feelings he is toying with.

But... since you seem to want to make it work, I would say to tell your parents the truth. They might freak out at first, but they'll come to respect you for being honest with them – and it's a lot better than them finding out from somewhere else, because then they'll inevitably feel that you deceived them. This course of action might temporarily separate you from your guy, but if he is really sincere about you, he will convince your parents that they can trust you with him.

Amy

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Dear Amy,

What's the problem with that, I hear you ask? The problem is, I don't think he's sincere about her – something about him seems a bit off. Sure, he's flirty and charming, but for some reason it seems more like he wants everyone to notice his behaviour towards her than he wants her to respond. I think he might just be after her because she's pretty and popular. I really don't like him, and I don't think he's the right guy for her at all.

Should I say something to her?

Worried

Dear Worried,

It's a dilemma. If you don't say anything and your friend gets hurt, you'll be beating yourself up for not having warned her before; if you do say something, she might resent your interference.

I say watch and wait awhile, and make sure there really is a cause for concern before you say anything to her. Who knows, it might just die away without anything coming of it.

By the way, are you sure you're not in love with your friend? You seem awfully determined to dislike this other guy just because he's 'flirty and charming' and you're – presumably – not. Give it some thought – you two sound like you'd be a cute couple.

Gah... times like these I really wish my editor didn't hide peoples' email addresses from me – I have no idea who you are, but I'm really curious now!

Amy

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Dear Amy,

I've found my Prince Charming already, but there's this absolutely darling girl in my French class who I'd like to see just as happy as myself. She's very shy, and says it's okay and that I don't need to trouble myself about her, but I don't listen to that sort of talk. What are friends for, after all? That's what I always tell her.

Princess Charming

Dear Princess,

You want my advice? Leave the poor girl alone! She clearly does not want you meddling around in her love life, but is too nice to tell you so. Let me do it for her: back off, mind your own business and let her manage her own life.

Amy

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

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Dear Amy,

Hopeful

Dear Hopeful,

It's a mark of your sincerity that you still feel the same about her even months down the track after she said no. Any girl would be lucky to have someone as steadfast and loyal as you. This girl seems like a nice person who may have been a little misled, and a little confused about her feelings when she said no to you. I think you shouldn't give up hope.

If you're who I think you are, you share an English class with her? Even if that's not the case, my advice still applies. Sit next to her in class, talk to her, become her friend. If she's who I think she is, she'll be relieved you don't hate her for backing out of your date. Eventually, ask her out again, and I'll be very surprised if she doesn't say yes. Good luck!

Amy

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

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Dear Amy,

I thought he'd be content with that, but he seems to want to rub in the fact that he never liked me and that he's so much better than I am – one of my guy friends told me that this boy had scrawled some really bad things about me on the wall of the boys' bathrooms. He said he'd clean it off for me, and he said not to worry about anything that boy says, because everyone knows he's a jerk, but it still makes me feel really upset. What should I do?

Tormented

Dear Tormented,

What this horrible couple is doing to you is bullying, and shouldn't be tolerated. If anything like this happens again, I'd recommend telling someone like a teacher, or an adult you trust so that you can figure out what to do next. What is happening is not your fault, and you should never think it is.

In the meantime, it sounds like you have some great, supportive friends. The guy friend you mentioned sounds really sweet, and like someone you can really count on. As long as you have people like him looking out for you, you will be fine. By the way, have you ever considered that this boy who is a friend could lose some words in the middle and become a boyfriend? He sounds like he'd be really good for you. Just a thought. ;-)

Amy

LETTERS NOT BEING PUBLISHED THIS ISSUE

Dear Amy,

Princess Charming

Dear Amy,

P.E.

Dear Amy,

Prince Charming

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

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Dear Amy,

Shy Girl

Dear Shy,

You, getting tongue-tied? Ha – good one! I don't think your problems lie in that area. My advice to you is the same as my advice to everyone in this situation: let his behaviour be your guide. Drop hints you like him as more than a friend, and see how he reacts. If he flirts back, go for it; if he seems oblivious or freaked out, give it up.

Don't diss my methods if things don't work out for you – more likely than not, it's not me, it's you.

Amy

To: ask.amy@highbury.chronicle.edu
From: jerry.knight@gmail.com
Time Sent: Mon, April 23, 2010 at 4:15 pm
Subject: Your reply to 'Shy Girl'

How could you be so nasty to her? The poor girl only asked for advice, which, as I recall, it's your job to give – how could you snark at her like that? And in front of the whole school, too.

You recognise her writing style just as easily as everyone in the school will, and yet the consequences didn't seem to occur to you. You know she already gets laughed at, and everyone looks up to Ask Amy – you have the power to change peoples' attitudes; but instead you choose to make fun of her and humble her in front of people who will be guided by your treatment of her.

You're so keen to help people when they least require it, Emma. Yet the one time you might actually do some good, you go and do the opposite. I'm telling you this not because I enjoy it – whatever you may think, I don't – but because nobody else will, and you need to know it. Everyone else either thinks you're as perfect as you think you are, or they're too intimidated by you to say anything.

Emma, you can be so much better than this. You are so much better than this. I wouldn't be friends with you if you weren't. But when you do something like this, I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore.

Chapter Three

Posted on 2011-04-16

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

All letters to Amy are subject to publication in the Highbury High Chronicle. Names and email addresses will be kept strictly confidential.

Dear Shy Girl,

I can't take back the reply I gave to you, however much I want to, because it's in print. What I can do, however, is apologise for what a cow I was, and write a proper reply to your relationship dilemma.

I was having a really crappy day when I went off at you like that, and I know that's no excuse for taking it out on you, but I am really sorry for it. I know I probably hurt your feelings, and I feel like a total heel about it. If I can make it up to you in any way, let me know, and I'll do it.

Now, for your relationship query – I'm getting the vibe that my usual recommended approach makes you feel too self-conscious, and that it's not something you'd feel comfortable doing. That's okay – if it's not you, don't push yourself to act that way. After all, another one of my tenets is that you should always be yourself.

And yet – nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you want him to notice you, you have to actually approach him and talk to him. You don't have to flirt, but you do have to say something. Strike up a conversation in Math class: ask to borrow a pencil from him, talk about how horrible Trig. is (a sure conversation starter), ask how his weekend was, anything.

It's a beginning – become friends and let him realise what a great person you are. If you like, once you get a bit more confident around him, you can try some of my usual tips. Wishing you the very best of luck,

Amy

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

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Dear Amy,

Anyway, the problem is, I've been acting like a real tool and have been flirting with someone else – partly to deflect suspicion from our secret, but truthfully, mainly because I'm scared she doesn't care anymore, and I needed to see a reaction, some jealousy, something!

Well, I got my reaction – she broke up with me. What do I do?? I think I love her.

Romeo In Desperation

Dear Desperation,

Well, I won't say I told you so, but... well, I did tell you so. Okay, obnoxious moment over; now let's see what we can do to fix it.

The good news is, she didn't leave you for someone else. The bad news is, she left you because you were a jerk to her and that other girl you've been flirting with.

The other good news is, jerkiness can be fixed – you can make amends. Apologise to the girl you flirted with; apologise to your (ex, but hopefully not for long) girlfriend, and then... (you're not going to like this, but it will probably be the deal-breaker, unfortunately) say that you will support her when she tells her parents.

Tell her parents, weather the storm, and then, if all goes well, live happily ever after.

Amy

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

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Dear Amy,

Okay, you were right. I am in love with my friend. But here's the problem – I think she's in love with (or at least seriously infatuated with) that jerk I told you about before – the one I thought was leading her on. Well, I guess he's not, and they are either together, or this close to getting together.

Torn

Dear Torn,

Let me answer your 'weird' question first: I would advise this girl to stop being an idiot and open her eyes to the great guy who's there right under her nose. I'm serious – I'm not just saying that; I think I'm a little in love with you myself after reading your letter. :)

As to what you should do – it seems as though you still have some uncertainty about the status of their relationship. Maybe they aren't together yet, or maybe their flirtation didn't really mean anything. In any case, don't give up hope. Before you do anything drastic, bide your time and see what develops.

But... I must stress this: DO NOT under any circumstances approach her with your suspicions until you have some concrete proof. Your gut instinct is not going to cut it, especially if you tell her you love her; that doesn't exactly make you an impartial observer when it comes to the guy you think she likes.

I hope everything works out for you. Let me know if it does, and if all goes well, pretty please can you tell me who you are? I promise I won't publish it – I'm just curious.

Amy

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

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Dear Amy,

Girl With a Crush

Dear Crush,

You mean you're not in an English class with the guy you like? And he's childhood friends with your girl friend?

Are you absolutely one hundred percent sure he responded positively to your hints? Are you sure he wasn't just being nice? He is – from what you say, anyway – a very nice guy. Maybe he was just being nice. It's hard to say anything definitively.

My advice is: take things slow. Don't rush forward without being absolutely sure about his feelings. Don't take any risks here. Do NOT ask him out yourself. Yet, I mean. Bide your time. Don't jump to any conclusions.

Amy

To: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
From: jerry.knight@gmail.com
Time Sent: Wed, May 2, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Subject: Are you okay?

Haven't seen you around yet, but I know you must have heard about that jerk and his secret girlfriend. If he could deceive you and lead you on like that, he's obviously not the right guy for you.

I hope you'll come to realise in time that he's not someone you need to regret – in fact, you'll probably end up feeling sorry for her.

You should know that if you ever need to talk about it, I'm here to listen, Emma.

To: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
From: jerry.knight@gmail.com
Time Sent: Thurs, May 3, 2010 at 5:22 pm
Subject: Hello...?

Emma? Have you not read my email, or do you just not want to talk about it? You've been really quiet every time I've seen you, and I don't know if I'm allowed to say anything or not.

If you really don't want to talk, send me a reply saying 'I don't want to talk about it' (you can copy and paste it), and I'll let it be.

To: jerry.knight@gmail.com
From: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
Time Sent: Fri, May 4, 2010 at 8:56 pm
Subject: Re - Are you okay?

Sorry for the delay in replying; I only checked my email now.

I don't mind talking about it – there's nothing to talk about. I'm okay – really. I never really liked him; truly. Pick up your jaw right now, Knight.

I feel like I owe you some sort of explanation, but it kind of sucks to have to make myself look like even more of a vapid, shallow, blind fool in front of you after the Shy Girl fiasco.

The thing is, he was Frank Churchill – you know, popular, good-looking, rich, and to top it off, the guy I had one of those 'across the cafeteria, never gonna happen, but what if' crushes on in the eighth grade. I mean, of course I was over that – it was never a big deal, and it's been four years, after all. But it was still flattering that he was flirting with me, even if I knew it wasn't really supposed to mean anything. Which is why I flirted back.

Yeah, it was a vanity thing. Just like it apparently always is. So while the news of his secret tryst is a little embarrassing considering how I behaved towards him, I am not heartbroken. Not in the least. Probably should have seen it coming though – I can't believe I was giving him and his girlfriend advice through Ask Amy and I still didn't make the connection.

So... tell me I'm a spoiled brat, tell me it's typical of me, tell me I need to grow up, but please, Knight – tell me I'm still your friend.

To: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
From: jerry.knight@gmail.com
Time Sent: Fri, May 4, 2010 at 10:32 pm
Subject: Re - Re - Are you okay?

Emma, you're a spoiled brat, this is typical of you, you need to grow up and – of course you're still my friend, doofus!

Do you really mean it? About never having really liked him that way? So you're okay? I have to admit, I couldn't ever be sure about anything except that he didn't deserve your affection.

Don't beat yourself up about it, and don't worry about what I might think. You're my best friend, and I would never think badly of you, because even when you do stupid things, you always try to put them right. But right now, about this, I'm just glad you're okay.

Chapter 4

Posted on 2011-04-24

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

All letters to Amy are subject to publication in the Highbury High Chronicle. Names and email addresses will be kept strictly confidential.

Dear Amy,

Frustrated No More

Dear No More,

I am so glad everything has worked out for you, but really, it was not all due to me. My advice given to a jerk wouldn't have produced any results. You're happy now because your guy is great and willing to make sacrifices for you.

Anyway, I've probably broken as many hearts as I've healed with my advice, so if I've delivered a hit this time instead of a miss, I'm glad for it. Wishing you all the best,

Amy

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

All letters to Amy are subject to publication in the Highbury High Chronicle. Names and email addresses will be kept strictly confidential.

Dear Amy,

I can't take this for much longer. I have to tell her. But I can't risk losing her friendship – I'd rather say nothing than lose that. But perhaps I've come too far to hide it now anyway.

What should I do? Should I go to her in person and tell her how I feel? I think you know who I am and who I'm talking about, and with that in mind, I'd really appreciate your honest advice. Tell me what you think, and if in your opinion, matters are not favourable, we can forget I sent this letter.

Hopefully Your Knight In Fairly Well-Cleaned Chainmail

Dear Knight,

Listen to me: do not – I repeat, do NOT – tell her of your feelings. I do know who you are, and trust me on this – it will ruin everything. Do you understand? Everything.

Don't rush into anything, Knight. Take some time, consider, don't commit yourself.

This girl is NOT right for you. You may think she is now, but she really, really isn't. And you will realise this one day, and then you will thank me.

Amy

To: ask.amy@highbury.chronicle.edu
From: jerry.knight@gmail.com
Time Sent: Mon, May 7, 2010 at 3:55 pm
Subject: My letter and your reply

Thanks for being honest, Emma. I was an idiot to have expected anything more or less than what I got. I hope we're still friends?

To: jerry.knight@gmail.com
From: ask.amy@highbury.chronicle.edu
Time Sent: Mon, May 7, 2010 at 4:13 pm
Subject: Re - My letter and your reply

Yes, of course we're still friends, Knight. It's just... I mean, I can't–

Whatever. Screw this. Just promise me you'll look out for next week's Ask Amy section, okay?

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

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Dear Knight,

This is happening far too often, but I feel terrible about the reply I wrote to your letter. I was rude, and bossy and way out of line. It was not my place to pass judgments on whether or not the girl you love is right for you. It's up to you to know your own heart.

So... I'll tell you the truth now. The girl you're talking about actually wrote to me only a little while ago asking my advice for how she could get together with you. She likes you back – and who knows, maybe after a while she'll even love you back.

Please don't ask me why I told you not to confess your feelings to her when I knew all this. It was wrong of me, I know. Go on and be happy with your Biology beauty. You deserve it.

Amy

To: ask.amy@highbury.chronicle.edu
From: jerry.knight@gmail.com
Time Sent: Mon, May 14, 2010 at 3:45 pm
Subject: ???

Emma, what on earth do you mean by your reply? I love you, you twit, not some girl from my Biology class!

Okay, that's it – I'm going to your place right now to speak to you in person, since you probably won't check your email any time soon. No more cowardly, half-anonymous, third-person crap.

See you there, hopefully.

To: jerry.knight@gmail.com
From: ask.amy@highbury.chronicle.edu
Time Sent: Mon, May 14, 2010 at 3:51 pm
Subject: Re - ???

This is my AA email, you idiot – of course I'll be checking it incessantly. It's only my normal email I neglect.

I'm still at school – don't tell me you've already left for my place?

To: ask.amy@highbury.chronicle.edu
From: jerry.knight@gmail.com
Time Sent: Mon, May 14, 2010 at 3:53 pm
Subject: Re - Re - ???

Just turned back. HC office?

To: jerry.knight@gmail.com
From: ask.amy@highbury.chronicle.edu
Time Sent: Mon, May 14, 2010 at 3:55 pm
Subject: Re - Re - Re - ???

Of course the HC office, you mentally challenged git! Where else would I be after school on Monday?

To: ask.amy@highbury.chronicle.edu
From: jerry.knight@gmail.com
Time Sent: Mon, May 14, 2010 at 3:56 pm
Subject: Re - Re - Re - Re - ???

What's with all the insults? And honestly, 'git'? You've got to stop rereading Harry Potter.

To: jerry.knight@gmail.com
From: ask.amy@highbury.chronicle.edu
Time Sent: Mon, May 14, 2010 at 3:57 pm
Subject: Re - Re - Re - Re - Re - ???

What's with all the instant replies? Don't tell me you're sitting at a computer somewhere instead of marching up to the HC office and sweeping me off my feet.

To: ask.amy@highbury.chronicle.edu
From: jerry.knight@gmail.com
Time Sent: Mon, May 14, 2010 at 3:58 pm
Subject: Re - Re - Re - Re - Re - Re - ???

Man of many talents – armed with an iPhone I can march and type at the same time.

But never fear, Jerry Knight's Cleaning Service is soon to be here. We specialise in sweeping, vacuuming and mopping you off your feet.

To: izzy_loves_john@hotmail.com
From: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
Time Sent: Mon, May 14, 2010 at 8:42 pm
Subject: OMGsqueesplutterchoke23j2iy@$yHG&(&

23j2iy@$yHG&(& means 'brainmelt', by the way. And my brain is well and truly melted. In the best possible way. I got home two hours ago, dazed, and have spent the past hour and a half sitting and staring at the same spot on my wall and wondering how the heck I got so darn lucky.

Then for the past half hour I've been feeling like telling somebody, like yelling it out to the whole world, but I know I can't spring this on Dad without thinking it through and preparing him, and for reasons I'll go into later, I couldn't tell my best (female) friend. That leaves me with you, and I know you've always been a great listener, so thanks in advance for wading through this as I know you will.

So… let me begin at the beginning. You know how people say that if you want to know what a woman will be like in twenty years, look at her mother? I've found that anyone who wanted to see Emma in seven years should simply have looked at Isabella – totally in love, married out of high school, blissfully happy, the works.

Yikes, just read over that – not that I'm married, or that he's even asked, or that we've even talked about it (long way off on all three counts), but you know what I mean.

Who is 'he', you ask? Perhaps you'll be surprised – shocked, even; perhaps you'll be incredulous; or perhaps you'll have seen it coming all along (gah, I can't believe I didn't!). 'He' is Knight. You know, our Jerry Knight – John's brother, my platonic (or so I thought) friend of seventeen years.

Long story short (because it is very long and convoluted and twisted), he told me he loved me sort of cryptically, and I thought he was confessing his feelings for my aforementioned best female friend (who I knew liked him), and I was heartbroken and jealous and pissed off, and it showed in my reply – which made him think I didn't love him back, and made him heartbroken (and possibly those other things too).

Anyway, he came up to talk to me afterwards, and this is sort of how our conversation went.

Knight: (nervously running a hand through his hair, even though he sort of knew I loved him back by this point – due to an enlightening email exchange which took place immediately before this conversation) Um, hi.

Me: (caught between trying not to roll my eyes, and marvelling that after so many years of friendship – heck, after knowing my feelings, he could still get nervous around me) Hey.

Knight: (picking loose thread from sleeve) You, er, you got my last email?

Me: (quickly checking my computer screen in case he had sent a new one in the last three seconds) Um, yeah, I – I did.

Knight: (hands fidgeting with button on shirt) Oh. Good.

Me: (deciding to move this little discussion along) You said you wanted to talk to me in person?

Knight: (ears going pink) Oh, um, yes, that's right. Emma, I – I just wanted to say…

Me: (taking a step closer, trying to sound encouraging rather than interrogatory; I mean, come on, I had – subconsciously – waited for years for this moment, and of course I was going to savour the grand love confession before throwing myself at him and kissing him until his brain melted and leaked out of his ears. On second thought, ew, that was a rather gross metaphor. Simile? Metaphor? Whatever. Queen of English, me.) Yes?

Knight: (sighing in frustration, and biting his lip furiously – which didn't help on the 'refraining from kissing him until he's through with his speech' front, I can tell you) I can't make speeches, Emma. God, this is so stupid – if I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more, but you know what I'm like. You know I've spent a worrying amount of time telling you stuff you don't want to hear, you know I bore you and lecture you and yell at you when you do dumb things, but you still put up with me, like nobody else would. Just put up with me for a bit longer, Emma, while I try and blunder through this. I know I've never made an effort, never told you, never given you the slightest hint about all this, but I swear, I'll remedy that now if you'll just give me a chance. (looking at me hopefully, and yet still sort of bracing himself for a rejection) So, um, d'you think you could? Give me a chance, that is?

Me: (eyes narrowing and stepping forward until we're practically nose-to-nose – well, my nose to his clavicle, anyway) Did you even read my emails, Jerry?

Knight: (swallowing) Well – yes, but I read them quite quickly, so I might have misunderstood–

Me: (giving up on him getting a clue, sighing in frustration and grinning my head off all at the same time) Yes, of course I'll give you a chance, you stupid prat! (Wow, maybe I do read too much Harry Potter) I love you too!

Knight: (finally taking some initiative and lowering his head and kissing me senseless)

You know, Izzy, I don't know why they call it kissing someone 'senseless', because frankly, all I could think about was what my senses were relaying to me: how his lips felt on mine (warm, soft, slightly chapped), how it felt to run my fingers through his hair (lovely – not that I've never done it before, but you know, ruffling it playfully and this were worlds apart), how good he smelt (soap, rosin, and something else uniquely Jerry), how his hand felt on my cheek (warm, callused, gentle), how right it all felt.

A little weird, yes, considering that this was Knight, and that two weeks ago I didn't even know I was in love with him, but totally awesome at the same time.

After that, we just hung around in the Highbury Chronicle office for over an hour talking (well, mostly talking ;-)). Can you believe, he's been in love with me for months at least? Well, he says he's known it for about that long, and that it could actually have been years. And you know what? I think it was the same for me – I have never liked any girl he has dated (she would always be too 'this' or not enough 'that' – basically, she wasn't me, and that was unacceptable, even then).

And Knight's opinion has always mattered to me more than anyone's (even if I would have rather died than admit as much to him); and it's not that I always asked his 'permission' before doing what I wanted, or that I didn't go ahead if he disapproved, but disappointing him would always feel like the end of the world.

I can't believe I didn't realize all of this sooner – I feel like that girl in Clueless. Except, you know, hopefully a little less ditzy.

You know, being with Knight like this is surprisingly unawkward – yes, I can kiss him now if I want to (and I usually do want to), but I can still talk to him like always, we can still remain silent if we want to without feeling pressured to make conversation, and I know without needing to arrange it that we'll be heading to school together tomorrow like we always do.

It's almost like nothing's changed, and I guess it hasn't, except for the better. I think maybe we were always dating in everything but the name and we just didn't realize it – and now it's official, which can only be good.

And, well, that's it for now, I guess. Hope I didn't bore you, Izzy – but since I know you will have devoured every detail of this email before (probably) jumping up and down squealing and demanding inordinately large amounts of money from John which you will have won from placing bets on how long it would take me and Jerry to get together (don't deny it, I know you did), I won't apologize for the novel I've practically written to you.

Hope John and the kids are doing well. All my love to them and you,
Em

Chapter 5

Posted on 2011-04-29

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

All letters to Amy are subject to publication in the Highbury High Chronicle. Names and email addresses will be kept strictly confidential.

Dear Amy,

At first I was pissed off at her for going after the guy I liked, but I suppose I can't really blame her because I never even told her I liked him myself, right?

In Need of Advice

Dear In Need,

Ouch! That sounds like a terrible situation for you, especially as you feel you still have to be nice to them. I reckon you need some time away from those two until you've processed all this a bit more and have begun to heal.

Try sitting with a different group at lunch for a while – like your friends from other classes like English or something. Maybe take on some extracurricular activities to keep you busy and to keep your mind off them.

And if your guy friend loves someone else, then he's not the right person for you. You should keep an open mind, and see if there's anyone else you might like, maybe from one of your other classes, like English. Check back in, and let me know how it all goes. Wishing you only the very best,
Amy

LETTERS NOT BEING PUBLISHED THIS ISSUE

Dear Emma Amy,

My girlfriend is a bit bossy, somewhat self-obsessed and rather prone to thinking she's always right. Yet even while I lament over her faults, I'm drawn to her and secretly think she's even more awesome than she thinks she is. Is there something wrong with me?

Bewildered But Buoyant

Dear Jerk Jerry,

No, you're fine – there's something wrong with her. You've always been completely honest with her, have never flattered her, and you've lectured her and scolded her for years when you think she's wrong – admittedly, on these occasions she usually is – but she still loves you. Yes, she probably needs to get her head checked, but as they say, if it's not broken...
Amy

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

All letters to Amy are subject to publication in the Highbury High Chronicle. Names and email addresses will be kept strictly confidential.

Dear Amy,

Well, it turns out that not only does he not hate me for how rude I was to him, but he still likes me! For a while now he's been really nice to me, but I didn't really know what to make of it – it was so different from how that other jerk I told you about behaved towards my girl friend after she rejected him. Even so, I almost couldn't believe it when he told me – it seemed like it was too good to be true.

Finally Happy

Dear Happy,

I am so glad for you – if anyone deserves to be happy, it's you. My heartiest congratulations to you and your English class guy!

I will admit, I feel proud of you and at the same time a little sad that this will be your last letter to Ask Amy – but more power to you. See you around, as my real self at least, if not as

Amy

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

All letters to Amy are subject to publication in the Highbury High Chronicle. Names and email addresses will be kept strictly confidential.

Dear Amy,

The Cartoon Mouse In Shining Armour

Dear Jerry Knight,

This would be in the 'letters not published' pile if my editor hadn't insisted on including it. In her words, it's – and I quote – 'a lot more original than all that unrequited love crap we usually get'.

So here goes... first of all, what's wrong with your girlfriend calling you by your last name? She always has, and she's used to it, and from habit it's more of an endearment than a formality. Perhaps she just needs some time to get used to using your first name; but I have a feeling that 'Knight' will always have a special place in her heart.

As for how to convince her, I say definitely bribery. Blackmail is useless – sure, you've known her forever and have a lot of dirt on her, but she has just as much ammunition against you: for example, that time in geography class in first grade where you insisted to the teacher that guacamole was a South American country; or that time when you were a tree in the third grade school play, but you forgot to cut eye-holes in your costume, and instead of exiting stage right when you were supposed to you lost your orientation and walked forward and fell off the stage onto the front row of the audience; or that time in sixth grade when you fell asleep at the back of the class and were horrified to wake up in the middle of a lesson on how girls get their periods (all the other boys naturally having been evacuated from the room to go watch cartoons or whatever it is they do when the girls are learning this stuff).

Or some such embarrassing things which she'd probably know about you. She could probably go on. The point is, don't even try getting the upper hand here.

Bribery, on the other hand, is always welcome. Having striven against it all your life, you are surely the expert on how to spoil her. Actually, from you, flowers, chocolate, and/or expensive trinkets aren't necessary. You're not the most demonstrative person, and while she loves that about you, because it makes words of affection that much more meaningful when they're given, I'm sure she would love a more frequent confirmation of how much you care.

You see, Jerry, sometimes she still can't believe that you love her back, especially after all the stupid things she's said and done. Be patient with her, Jerry – she'll come around (even if she still doesn't really get what's wrong with just lovely old 'Knight'). Love,

Amy

Editor's note: Get a room, you two.

NEW 'ASK AMY/ANDY' NEEDED

Yes, it's finally that sad time which I like to think many of you were dreading – I, Emma Woodhouse (Are you shocked? Elated? Horrified? Don't really give a damn? Don't worry, I never got to see any of your email addresses, and if I guessed your identity – which I did most of the time, because, no offense, it was pretty obvious – I never told anyone your secrets), your 'Ask Amy' for the past three years, am graduating, which means that after the summer, my position on the Highbury Chronicle team as agony aunt (or agony... uncle, I guess) will be open.

In the interest of equality, girls and boys are both welcome to apply for the position (though we've never had an 'Ask Andy' before – and regardless of whether or not that should be telling us something, we're open to the idea), and you can send your application to: editor@highbury.chronicle.edu

Forms are available from the HC office. The applications will be reviewed by the current HC team, the best applicants interviewed, and we'll let the successful person know they've got the job by June 30.

Applicants must be in the eleventh grade or younger this year to apply (duh, otherwise you'll be graduating with me, and you won't be able to do the job).

What we are looking for: someone who is empathetic, non-judgmental, clear-headed, and reasonably objective. If we can't find that, we'll settle for someone like me – possessing confidence, if not any of the other attributes ;-)

Looking forward to reading your applications and meeting you! Signing off for the last time as,

Amy

Name: Amy Hawkins

Grade: 11

Email address: little_miss_gorgeous62@hotmail.com

Why I want to be the new 'Ask Amy/Andy': I already give advice to everyone, and my friends always turn to me – in fact they say I give far better advice than the actual 'Ask Amy' – they say they'd rather just 'ask Amy' – as in, they'd rather ask me. I'm already the expert at this – we might as well make it official.

Why I am a good choice to be the new 'Ask Amy/Andy': Well, that's easy – my name is actually Amy; that's gotta be a sign, right? And plus, I am non-judgmental and all those other things – well, that's what my friends say, anyway.

Previous experience: I have, like a lifetime of experience sharing my (many) pearls of wisdom with my friends – what more can anyone ask?

Name: Phil Elton

Grade: 12

Email address: phil_dawg24@hotmail.com

Why I want to be the new 'Ask Amy/Andy': because if Emma Woodhouse can do it, I sure as heck can do it better. And if it's a paying position, I won't say no.

Why I am a good choice to be the new 'Ask Amy/Andy': because I tell it like it is. I'll be honest and upfront – I won't mince words, and fudge things and lead people on like some do. If someone writes to me and they sound like a loser, I'll tell them they're a loser.

Previous experience: not like I need any – it's not like it's a difficult job, if Emma Woodhouse can do it.

Name: Hannah Smith

Grade: 11

Email address: hannah.smith@gmail.com

Why I want to be the new 'Ask Amy/Andy': I found the advice from 'Ask Amy' a real comfort this year. When I was feeling down or just confused and unsure of what to do, it was such a relief to be able to write to her with the knowledge that I'd get a sympathetic reply from someone who wouldn't judge me – and I want to be that person for others.

Why I am a good choice to be the new 'Ask Amy/Andy': I'm a good listener, am committed to whatever I take on, and am really enthusiastic about this.

Previous experience: being a journalist for the school newspaper at my previous school, getting a few letters to the editor published in the Donwell Daily.

To: ask.amy@highbury.chronicle.edu
From: jerry.knight@gmail.com
Time Sent: Mon, July 1, 2010 at 5:38 pm
Subject: Congratulations!

Hi Hannah!

Emma told me you got the position. I'm sure you'll do a fantastic job – far better than Emma, in fact – and please do tell her I said that ;-)

She wants to assure you that you didn't get the job just because you're her friend, and she feels this assurance will sound more convincing if it comes through me. Well, I'll discharge my duty and say I have no qualms in telling you it's true – apart from a few ninth graders the editorial team felt lacked the maturity, the only other applicants of note were Phil Elton and Amy Hawkins – and when I say 'of note', I don't mean in a good way. So you earned it, fair and square.

So… enjoy the power as much as you can without becoming a mildly narcissistic control freak – and yes, you're free to tell Emma I said that as well ;-)

Cheers,
Jerry

Chapter Six

Posted on 2011-05-09

To: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
From: jerry.knight@gmail.com
Time Sent: Wed, August 15, 2010 at 6:13 pm
Subject: I'm sorry :(

I know you're upset with me and that you're not talking to me at the moment, and I'm sure you must have good reason. I know I shouldn't have done what I did (or should have done what I didn't do).

Forgive me?

To: jerry.knight@gmail.com
From: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
Time Sent: Wed, August 15, 2010 at 6:18 pm
Subject: Re - I'm sorry :(

Are you honestly telling me you don't know exactly what you did (or didn't do)?

To: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
From: jerry.knight@gmail.com
Time Sent: Wed, August 15, 2010 at 6:19 pm
Subject: Ha!

Tricked you into talking to me :)

To: jerry.knight@gmail.com
From: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
Time Sent: Wed, August 15, 2010 at 6:20 pm
Subject: Did not

Email doesn't count, not with us sitting in the same room. If I were talking to you, I'd be talking to you.

To: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
From: jerry.knight@gmail.com
Time Sent: Wed, August 15, 2010 at 6:21 pm
Subject: I am really, really, really, really…

…really, really sorry. Please, please tell me what I've done (or not done)? How can I make things right unless I know what to fix?

To: jerry.knight@gmail.com
From: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
Time Sent: Wed, August 15, 2010 at 6:36 pm
Subject: Fine

Do you recall yesterday, August 14th? Yes, I know you remembered my birthday (and after nigh on seventeen years of friendship, let me tell you, there's no reason for you to be looking for brownie points for remembering it – if you had forgotten it, I would have murdered you by now).

After gifting me with a copy of Lord of the Rings and telling me I should read something other than Harry Potter for once (for the record I was so utterly thrilled with this present of a long-winded fantasy trilogy you've been bugging me to read for what feels like forever – by the way, this is a pretty accurate description of how long one chapter of the book reads to me), you then told me you had a surprise for me, which I'd find out about in the evening.

Okay, I thought to myself, the book must have been a tongue-in-cheek present. My boyfriend (emphasis so that you remember that this is indeed what you are) has clearly got something awesome and romantic planned. He's dropped cryptic hints about how he thinks I'll like the surprise. He's waiting until John and Izzy leave for their (no-particular-occasion-just-feel-romantic-and-in-love-even-though-we've-been-married-for-like-a-million-years) date, and then the surprise will be revealed.

So I dressed in a very adaptable combination – I felt smart, I felt casual, I felt like I would fit in well enough anywhere you'd planned to take me. I made an effort.

Entering the living room, I realised – oh dear; I'm a little overdressed next to my knight in shining pyjama pants. And yippee, the surprise appears to be a rented DVD of The Princess Bride and a pizza.

I spent the next hour and a half eating admittedly my favourite pizza (again no brownie points – see seventeen year friendship clause above) and watching The Princess Bride which we have seen a billion times already, sitting next to a teenage boy who acted all of his shoe size as he smirked contemptuously and rolled his eyes at the romantic scenes between Westley and Buttercup and avidly watched the sword-fighting and giant-rat-wrestling scenes.

Admittedly your arm was around me, but I don't know if it's because you wanted it to be, or because you could reach the pizza more easily that way; you didn't kiss me (and in light of the fact that we'd both eaten pizza with garlic, maybe that's just as well – but my point is that pizza was a mistake); and apart from the occasional 'Oh, this part is good, you have to see this' (which was totally unnecessary since I have seen it, like a billion times – see above) you practically ignored my existence. It was as if the past three months had never happened and we were just friends again.

And after the two of us staying with John and Izzy – aka winners of the Most Sickeningly Cute Couple of the Century award – for the past two weeks, this was just salt in a bleeding, burning, festering wound.

I guess all that's left to say is, thank you, Mr. Knight, for the most romantic night of my life.

I trust you are no longer in any doubt of my sentiments?

To: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
From: jerry.knight@gmail.com
Time Sent: Wed, August 15, 2010 at 6:41 pm
Subject: Ah.

Oh dear… I take it you weren't in the mood for a movie night?

To: jerry.knight@gmail.com
From: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
Time Sent: Wed, August 15, 2010 at 6:42 pm
Subject: Re - Ah.

If it had been any other night, I might have been – but it was my freaking eighteenth birthday! Something a little special might have been nice.

By the way, I poured my heart out to you (which you've been bugging me to do for the past half hour), and that's all the reply I get? A single line? Get stuffed.

To: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
From: jerry.knight@gmail.com
Time Sent: Wed, August 15, 2010 at 6:57 pm
Subject: It's difficult to explain – but let me try

After all, that bleeding, burning, festering wound of ours definitely needs airing out, a thorough clean, antiseptic and some fresh bandages – to continue your rather gross metaphor :-)

I want you to think back to three months ago – or better still, nine months ago before all that crap about Phil Elton and Frank Churchill; we were best friends. Not that we ever stopped being best friends in between, but I mean I want you to think back to the time when we were best friends and didn't have to worry about anything at all.

It was great, wasn't it? Hanging out with you was fun, no matter what we were doing (heck, even if we had nothing to do, it was better being bored with you than being bored by myself). You made me laugh, and sometimes we'd have stupid debates just to wind each other up, and occasionally we'd talk seriously about our goals and hopes and dreams.

Now fast-forward through several months of teenage angst and misunderstandings and we're together. At first there was joy and relief – my best friend who I never thought would return my feelings, was finally my girlfriend. And then came the panic – my best friend and my girlfriend were suddenly one and the same, and what if I messed up and then I lost both in one fell swoop?

I was trying; I was doing my best not to blow it. Some parts (kissing you, talking to you, kissing you, listening to you, kissing you) came naturally, but I struggled with others (the actual 'going on dates' part of dating – oh God, do you remember how horrifically awkward our first proper date was? I had no idea what to say to you, because I already knew all the answers to the standard first date getting-to-know-you questions).

The point is, sometimes this awful feeling of wondering whether I'm doing this relationship thing right obtrudes even on the parts that come naturally, and I just miss being your best friend and not having to worry about any of this. Don't get me wrong – I would never want to go back to being nothing to you except your friend. I love you, so much it scares me sometimes – because when I look at you, I think this is it, and I'm not supposed to think this is it at my age. (Though, rest assured, I do not watch you while you sleep, nor do I have a strong urge to do so; neither will I ever wreck your car so you can't spend time with your other friends; and in return please oblige me by promising never to jump off a cliff if you miss me – just give me a call instead.)

So what was I thinking when I ordered a pizza and rented The Princess Bride (apart from, 'Mmm, pizza' and 'I love this movie')? I guess I just wanted to be comfortable, and to have fun, and to relax, and to spend time with you without feeling pressured.

I'm still learning, and I realise now that I timed that wrong – you're totally right; it being your birthday, I should have made an effort for you, even if it meant going out of my comfort zone.

I'm sorry, Emma :(

Let me make it up to you – let's go out now, and have the romantic evening that should have been. What do you think?

To: jerry.knight@gmail.com
From: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
Time Sent: Wed, August 15, 2010 at 7:05 pm
Subject: Sigh…

Sometimes it really irritates me that it's so hard to stay mad at you.

But in all seriousness, thank you for letting me know what was going on. When I'm worrying about you getting bored with me already, and thinking I'll lose my best friend and boyfriend all at once if you decide to get rid of me, it's particularly welcome to hear 'I love you' and 'this is it'.

To: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
From: jerry.knight@gmail.com
Time Sent: Wed, August 15, 2010 at 7:07 pm
Subject: Well?

You didn't answer my question – shall we go out now?

To: jerry.knight@gmail.com
From: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
Time Sent: Wed, August 15, 2010 at 7:08 pm
Subject: Re - Well?

What, right now, this second?

To: queen_of_the_castle@hotmail.com
From: jerry.knight@gmail.com
Time Sent: Wed, August 15, 2010 at 7:08 pm
Subject: Hmm, yes, now

This very second. Leave your laptop, don't get changed, don't do your hair. Let's do something cutesy like bring our own tablecloth and candles to the local Subway, and then I can tell you about your six smiles, and how you pierce my soul (in addition to bewitching me body and soul and causing me to stutter out my love for you – though I'm not sure of the technical aspects of that; piercing the soul doesn't render bewitching it impossible, does it? Also NB: I did not give you leave to pierce my body; making this clear just so there are no accidents), and we can of course discuss how I've given you my heart so you'd better not give me a pen in return, and if we have time to get around to it, I can let out one of those hilarious noises Emma Thompson makes when she finds out Hugh Grant loves her in Sense and Sensibility (beats me how this makes you cry every time).

And of course, upon our return we'll lay down a tarp and a blanket on the lawn and stargaze (provided it doesn't rain – and it never does rain when one wishes to have a romantic evening stargazing session).

You have my word that if the opportunity presents, I will announce my love for you over the loudspeakers at a stadium of some huge game.

Also, if you want, I'll put my new college ID card on a lanyard and place it around your neck just so I can tell you that you look good wearing my future.

In addition, I warn you that throughout the evening, no matter what question you ask me, I will only answer 'As you wish' and give you an intensely soppy look (context be damned: 'Jerry, what's the time?' -'As you wish.' 'I didn't think Subway by candlelight would taste this good, did you?' -'As you wish.' And so on).

Oh, and just for the record, you can be certain that there will be no garlic whatsoever in our food.

Having relationship problems? Need a sympathetic ear? Wish you could get some helpful advice? Ask Amy, and she might just find you a solution!

All letters to Amy are subject to publication in the Highbury High Chronicle. Names and email addresses will be kept strictly confidential.

Dear Amy,

Seriously Confused

Dear Confused,

My cautious answer to your question is: it depends. But as it's my job to infer and advise, let's look for the answer in your own letter.

Considering that you say you might be in love with him, I'd say your feelings are strong, and if as you say, he likes you back, there's every chance you'd be happy together. You guys have been friends for years, so clearly you're compatible in some ways already – you know you can talk to each other, have fun together, fight with each other and make up, and that's important. Also, considering how long you've been friends, you may find it easier than most to maintain a friendship even if your relationship fails. I say go for it.

But there's no reason to go in thinking that it will fail – think positive! You've been friends for so long, so clearly you already know how to maintain one type of relationship with him; there's no reason you two won't be able to handle another if you keep the lines of communication open and be honest with one another, something you as friends would already have practice doing.

One of my best friends is dating a boy she's been friends with since kindergarten, and they're practically the happiest couple I know. Really, most people have to work to find a friend in their significant other – and if you're lucky enough to find a significant other in your best friend, then I'd say you've found the key to perfect happiness.

Amy