Posted on Saturday, 3 June 2000
Authors' note: This story is inspired by Tabbi's drug-induced state and our late night hours. Oh... And also because we were bored while waiting in the hospital. We're sure we amused everyone with our antics! ;-D
The Lovenest Inn...
Darcy and Elizabeth gazed dreamily at each other over the candlelit table. They had only been married for a few hours and were now lost in contemplation of their complete happiness. Each regarded their first night together as man and wife with nervous anticipation. It finally became too much for Elizabeth and she blushed under his passionate gaze. Somewhat flustered, she hastily took a sip of wine.
Darcy stared at her, mesmerizied as she licked a stray drop from her lips. He cleared his throat and asked huskily, "Shall we retire, my dearest, loveliest Elizabeth?" When Elizabeth nodded shyly, he said, "You may go up first. I shall be along in a few minutes."
Elizabeth rose from the table and exited the room. She climbed the stairs with Trepidation (who was visting from Italy). Once in her chambers, she rang for a maid and dressed in anticipation of Darcy's arrival. Once she was alone, the minutes dragged by like hours... Long, agonizing, tormenting hours...
CREAK!
Was that Darcy? Elizabeth looked towards the door...
No.
CRACK!
Was that Darcy?
No.
SCRAPE!
Was that he?
No.
CRUNCH!
Was that...
No.
Four hours later... (Hmmmmmmmm.... The minutes really were hours...)
SQUISH!
Was that Darcy?
No.
SPLAT!
Was that Darcy?
No.
OOZE!
Was that Darcy?
No, that was Collins.
SQUIRT!
Was that...
NO IT WASN'T, OK??? SHEESH WOMAN!
SQUAWNK!
Now that was Darcy!
The firelight illuminated his strong, masculine form in the doorway. Elizabeth swooned at the sight of such a magnificent example of male prowess and she soon laid lifeless on the floor. Darcy strode across the room and lifted her delicate form where she lay. He then...
THREW HER ACROSS THE ROOM, ONTO THE BED WHERE SHE BOUNCED OFF AND FLEW TO THE FLOOR!
He trotted over to her, knelt down, and began smacking her. "HEY! WAKE UP! YO! RETCHING BEAUTY! THIS AIN'T SLEEPY TIME!"
Elizabeth came to and grabbed a bottle of wine that just happened to be on the floor and within reach. She shook it violently and popped the cork.
POP!
The cork hit Darcy right between the eyes causing him to fall back. Clutching his forehead, he wailed in agony. "I'M HIT! I'M HIT! I'VE BEEN SHOT! CALL 911!"
Elizabeth jumped up and grab a conveniently placed towel and soaked it in the wash basin. She twisted it up and proceeded to lash Darcy in the bum. She chased Darcy around for a few minutes before she managed to trip him and sent him tumbling to the ground. She let out a victory cry and pounced on top of him. "ALRIGHT! LET'S GET IT OOOOON!"
A maid, who was listening outside the door, blushed and said, "Cor blimey! I hope me weddin' nights like that!" She giggled and ran off.
Darcy sat bolt upright in bed. He shook himself awake. "Wow!" he said to himself, "What a dream!" He leaned over and shook the form lying next to him. "Elizabeth... I have to tell you about my dream! Elizabeth..."
A woman with a duckface rolled over and whined, "I'm not Elizabeth! I told you to forget about her!" She snuggled up next to him. "Besides, you'll always have your little Caroline!"
Darcy screamed in horror, the noise of which woke him up. Sitting up suddenly, he wiped the sweat from his brow. "Whew! What a nightmare!" He turned on his side and said, "Elizabeth, are you awake?"
The person next to him was not Elizabeth. It had curly blonde hair, long (and obviously false) eyelashes, bright red lipstick, and a hot pink negligee from Victoria's Secret. "I told you," said the person in a deep, sexy voice, "my name isn't Elizabeth... It's FitziePie."
Darcy shrieked in horror as recognized Col. Fitzwilliam, dressed in drag. He backed away and fell on the floor with a thud. That woke him up for real. He looked frantically around the room and recognized his room at Netherfield. He climbed back into his empty bed and sighed with relief. "I will have to tell Elizabeth about this tomorrow after the wedding breakfast," he mumbled. "And I am never, ever, ever eating cabbage before bed again."