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Chapter 1

"Push! Push! Come on, Ellie, you can do it! Push!"

I shot Will a furious look under my eyebrows, and lifted my arm to wipe the perspiration from my forehead.

"Shut up, Will!" I growled irritably, "You're not the one doing all the work."

He grinned unrepentantly at me. "Hey, this was the deal. I did the first bit, you do the rest! You couldn't have got this far without me, honey."

"Yeah, a lot of good you did me too."

He shrugged. "You're the independent woman, remember. It was your choice to do it alone."

"All right! All right! I take it back! Now help me, damn you!"

Leaning against the side of the ute, he looked away, his eyes still bright with humour. "And what's the magic word?"

I swore ferociously at him. He continued to pretend he couldn't hear me.

"Oh, for God's sake Will, 'please'!"

His grin fixed on my face once more as he straightened up and walked toward me. "See?" He said, with irritating condescension, "That wasn't so hard, now, was it?"

I threw him another angry glance and didn't reply. I turned my attention back to the ute, which was hopelessly bogged in thick black mud. Bracing my weight against the tray, I waited for Will to copy my stance then counted to three. "Push!"

For a moment, our efforts had no effect at all. Then, very slowly, very stiffly, the ute rolled forward. At last!

"I'll get back in the driver's seat!" I volunteered immediately. Will rolled his eyes at me, but he nodded, still pushing.

I jumped into the cab and shifted into first. Stepping down on the accelerator, I felt the wheels whir in the mud without gripping. Crossing my fingers, I pushed down harder. The engine roared, and I heard a shout from Will. But my effort was rewarded as I felt the wheels catch and we moved forward. Back on hard ground! Yes!

Just to be sure, I drove forward about ten feet, then stopped and climbed out again to wait for Will.

Catching sight of him, my jaw dropped. A moment later, I felt laughter press insistently at the back of my throat. I clapped my hand over my mouth, but it did no good. The laugh exploded and shook me until my stomach hurt and I had tears streaming down my face.

Will was totally, entirely, completely splattered with mud. It was stuck in his hair and sprayed across one cheek as if he had turned his face away but been unable to escape the torrent. His clothes were even worse hit. Obviously my efforts with the accelerator had churned up more mud than I thought.

The first handful hit me in the side, cutting my laugh short. "Hey!" I shouted, wiping the mudpie away and frowning at the wet mark left on my shirt. "Just 'cos you got dirty doesn't mean you have to - "

The second pie caught me on the leg. "Stop it!"

Will regarded me quizzically, his head on one side. "Will you stop laughing at me?" He asked sternly. I met his gaze. He was standing in a sea of mud, he was filthy, and he had to go and put on that gorgeous, hilarious sulky-serious expression...

I bit my lip but it was just no good. I couldn't hold it in. I started to laugh again.

"Right, that's it then." Will began striding purposefully toward me.

"No, no, Will, I'm sorry - " I was backing away, but it was hard to run when I still couldn't get my giggles under control.

I tried to push him back but he was impervious to my efforts as he bent and tackled me around my legs, lifting me easily to throw me bodily over his shoulder. I screamed as loud as I could, my voice carrying unheeded across the open plains. Pounding his back with my fists and kicking hard, I continued to struggle fiercely as he carried me awkwardly back toward the trench of mud.

"No!" I gave one last screech of protest before being dumped unceremoniously into the sticky black pit.

"Now let's see you laugh!" Will said smugly, leaning over me.

Very slowly, I sat up, grimacing as I felt the mud suck at my back. My hair was slathered with muck, and my clothes were heavy with thick damp. With quiet steadiness, I raised my head to meet Will's gaze. He was staring back at me, his expression wary as he waited for my reaction.

I let a slow, sweet smile spread over my face. Will raised an eyebrow. "Is that all?" He asked, disbelieving. "What happened to the violent cries of vengeance and physical attack?"

I shook my head, still smiling sweetly. "You misjudge me, sweetheart," I admonished, "I'm not so vindictive or petty as to require revenge for such an insignificant slight. It was all the name of fun, wasn't it?"

His eyes narrowed. "Ellie... What are you planning...?"

I sighed, closing my eyes. "Your mistrust wounds me to the heart, darling. I quite understand that when people do things like this - " Faster than he could react, my foot shot out and I kicked his legs from under him. He stumbled, slipped in the slimy mud, and landed before me in a heap. Even as he fell I grabbed a handful of mud and at the first opportunity leaned forward and rubbed it vigorously into his hair.

" - They really only mean it in fun." I finished graciously, suddenly feeling a lot more humourous about the whole affair.

Will lunged and I fought him off, squirming and laughing. I was getting filthier by the second, but I was so bad already that it made little difference and I no longer minded. After a minute of struggling, Will bested me once more and pinned me down in the mud.

I caught his gaze and my giggles faded abruptly.

"You," he said sternly, bringing his face only a few inches above mine, "Must be taught a lesson."

I smiled slightly, my heart beating faster. "Will, I don't think - "

But I never did get to finish that protest.

Chapter 2

I can only imagine how we must have looked, with drying mud caked over every inch of our bodies. Ben's jaw dropped, and Sam's eyes bulged momentarily. Will and I exchanged glances like guilty children, and grinned sheepishly.

Well, we might as well make the best of the situation. Squaring my shoulders, I put my arm through Will's, and we walked past with our heads high as though nothing was out of the ordinary. Will nodded as we passed, and I managed a very cool, "Evening, Sam. Ben."

We had almost passed them when Sam called my name. Will and I both turned around. "Hard day on the plains, was it?"

I nodded with all the nonchalance I could muster. Sam's expression was neutral except for the amused light in his eye as he asked dryly, "So tough you relieved the stress by removing the odd piece of clothing?"

"Umm..."

Sam's grin broke free. "Your shirt's buttoned crooked, Ellie. Now fix it and get cleaned up before you corrupt my entire Camp staff, OK?"

I looked down at my shirt. Through the grime, I could see that he was quite right. The garment was two buttons out of sync. A horrified flush crept over my skin, thankfully concealed beneath the mud drying on my face.

I looked at Will, biting my lip. He shrugged and winked, grinning unrepentantly. Rolling my eyes at his smug self-satisfaction, I elbowed him sharply in the stomach. "Men!" I said under my breath, then ran for it before he could see my smile.

Chapter 3

It was a sultry night, but thankfully not so hot as to keep me from sleep.

Some nights in Africa, the heat hangs so heavily in the still air that you can hardly bear the contact of the sweat-dampened sheets at your back, and every breath is an effort. No matter how deeply you crave it, sleep comes only after several restless hours of discomfort. On this night, however, the weather held out bearable, and I drifted off without much difficulty.

I'm not sure what it was that woke me. Perhaps it was the distant screams of the Rhesus monkeys, or hyenas squabbling in the faraway bushland. Such noises were familiar, and even comforting, but they still caused me to stir slightly. I rolled groggily without opening my eyes, instinctively seeking Will's form beside me before I could fall asleep again. My foggy mind registered little until I was jolted into consciousness very suddenly as I dropped off the side of the bed and thumped heavily onto the floor.

Will was not there at all. I rubbed my eyes in tired surprise. The crumpled sheets of our empty bed were bathed in bright silvery moonlight, which illuminated the small room as clearly as daylight. I most definitely alone.

A strange, unjustifiable feeling of abandonment formed in the pit of my stomach. Stupid. He had probably just gone to the showers block to use the bathroom, or something like that. I climbed up off the floor, and sat down on Will's side of the bed. My foot knocked his battery-torch, which had been lying beside the bed, and it rolled gently across the ground.

It took a moment for sense to register. Where would Will be going in the middle of the night without a torch? I recalled the brightness of the moon, but it didn't seem to justify wandering alone at night without a light.

As I got to my feet, I picked it up, and walked to the door. Pushing it open revealed a strange, almost surreal scene, which made my spine tingle very slightly. The silent Camp was bathed in pale light, its usually familiar buildings and contours all disconcertingly altered by the moonlight and shadow.

I crept forward, uneasy both in Will's absence in the unnatural silence of the night.

"Hello Ellie."

I squeaked in surprise, spinning around.

"Will!" I ground out his name through clenched teeth. My heart still was racing with fright. "You didn't have to scare me like that!"

He smiled very faintly from where he sat, his back against the outside wall of our cabin. "Sorry. Perhaps I should have crept up behind you and put my hands over your eyes. Actually, I didn't think I could go too far wrong with a quiet, 'Hello'." He shrugged. "Wrong again, I guess."

I frowned. "What are you doing out here, Will?"

He let one shoulder rise and fall carelessly. "Thinking." He replied shortly. "What are you doing out here?"

"Well, I woke up... and... you were gone... I thought..."

"What did you think?"

I shrugged crossly. "Nothing. Nothing. I just didn't know where you were, that's all."

"Now you know."

"Yes."

He looked away from me, into the night sky, and said nothing more.

I felt a surge of impatience against him. "Well are you coming back to bed now or not?" I demanded.

He shook his head. "No. Later, maybe."

"Right." No response. "Fine."

I left him sitting there, and returned to the cabin. I lay on the bed, and tossed. Ten interminable minutes passed. I turned, and another ten crawled by. The clock marked the passing of a whole half-hour, and I sat up in bed, cursing luridly.

Grabbing two pillows, I ripped the sheet off the bed, muttering darkly under my breath. I marched outside, and dumped the armload beside Will, who still sat where I had left him last.

"Damn you, Will Darcy," I announced clearly, and sat down to arrange the sheet over me.

I fell asleep quickly with my head in his lap, and the last thing I remembered was Will's soft laughter as his hand drifted gently to rest in my hair.

I can not be sure if the deep sadness I caught in that sound was imagined or not.

Chapter 4

I did not ask Will to account for his strange behaviour that night, and he volunteered no explanation. Although I did not forget the incident, it did not exactly prey on my mind either, so I let it go without investing too much concern.

In just three days, however, the strain appeared again, and this time in a manner I could not shrug away.

I finished my shower for the evening and walked back to the cabin we shared, toweling my wet hair as I went. I entered to find Will standing by the window, concluding a mobile phone call to his sister in Boston. He spoke to her often, and without regard to the costs they ran up. I was still faintly unnerved when I saw him doing such extravagant things. It was awfully hard to get used to the thought of him as a millionaire with money to burn, so to speak. It just didn't adhere to his personality... or at least, to the way I saw him.

He was rounding off as I entered. As I sat down on the edge of the bed, still mopping the moisture from my hair, he turned to face me.

"How's Georgiana?" I asked casually.

"She's well." Will's demeanour was unusually tense.

I frowned. "Is that all? What's she's been up to?"

"She's been very busy with the company. That's all." Will was looking at me rather too intently. I shifted very slightly.

"And is that all you talk about it, is it? Pemberley?"

"No," he paused, but seemed to bite back his next words. "No." He repeated finally.

I threw down my towel in exasperation. "Will, what's the problem? Why are you acting so stiff and silent all of a sudden? Is something wrong with Georgiana?"

He shook his head briefly.

"What is it then?"

He was silent.

"Why can't we talk it through?"

He looked away. "Because you don't want to talk this through."

That floored me. "What do you mean? How do you know what I would and wouldn't want to talk through?"

"OK, blame it on me then. I don't want to talk about it."

"Will!" I stood up, facing him fiercely. "Tell me!"

Will regarded me in defensive silence for a few moments. At last he shrugged his shoulders, and turned back to face the window again. "All right," he said quietly, "I'll tell you. Georgiana asked me when we were getting married."

"Oh." So that was it. I echoed his shrug a little shakily. "The girl's a bit impatient, isn't she? She's asked that before. We'll be married soon enough."

Will turned back to face me, his eyes dark and accusing. "It's been three months since she last asked, Ellie."

I looked away. "Well, there's so many other things to be taken care of first... What with the new recruits to be trained and the Stables being rebuilt and - "

" - and preparing for the dry season and helping Sam with the design for the lab and Spritz's rehabilitation... I know. I've heard the list before, Ellie." Will sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Look, El... I don't know why it is you can't seem to bear the thought of marriage to me - "

"Will, it's not that! It's not like that at all! It's nothing to do with you, I just - "

He waved away my protests. "Let me finish. Please. You see, that's not all that's been worrying me." He took a deep breath. "I've been thinking, Ellie... I mean, aside from wanting to be your husband and not just your boyfriend... I wanted... I mean, what if there's... You know..."

I looked at him blankly, not understanding. He actually seemed embarrassed. I couldn't remember seeing him embarrassed since our very first meeting, all those months ago.

"You know..." he repeated, gesturing ineffectually. Giving up, he let his hands drop. "OK, what if you have a baby?"

If anyone had chosen that moment to burst through the door, shake my hand and declare me the newly elected President of Kenya I couldn't have been more surprised. The shock numbed me.

"A baby...?" I repeated stupidly, "A baby?"

"Yeah." Will looked faintly annoyed, obviously thinking I was making fun of him. "It does happen, you know. Especially considering how often we - "

"But I can't!" I blurted hurriedly, interrupting him.

Will's face registered surprise, then concern. "You can't?" He paused. "Ellie, are you trying to say that you can't have children at all?"

"Yes! I mean, no!" I corrected quickly, seeing what he must be thinking. "That is, I can, physically I can... I suppose... But Will, think about it! A baby? Out here? The way we live? It'd never work!"

A slight crease appeared between Will's eyebrows. "So... you don't want children."

"I didn't say..."

"Yes you did say!" I jumped. Will lost his temper so seldom that it was a shock on any occasion that he did. "You said you wanted no children while we were living 'the way we live'! That's means, while we're on the Reserve. And correct me if I've got it wrong, Ellie, but I can't see you moving away any time soon!"

"Will..."

"...And of course, you also said you wanted to marry me - and yet you can't bear to leave the Reserve even long enough for the ceremony!"

"This isn't fair, Will!" I found myself raising my voice to match his volume. "You know how I feel about my work here!"

"Yes I do!" He was shouting now, "I know only too well how you feel about it! And it's driving me insane because I don't know how to compete with 1,000 square miles of landscape!"

I sat down in affronted astonishment. "That's ridiculous, you know it is!"

For a moment he said nothing at all, regarding me in heavy silence.

"No," he said at last, his voice low, "No I don't know it."

There was another crushing pause before he continued.

"Did you ever consider, Ellie, that it really isn't right for you to be agreeing to pledge your mind and body to me... when you've obviously already married them to this bloody Reserve!"

And with that he stalked from the room, slamming the door behind him.

Chapter 5

That night I slept in my old cabin. Well, I say 'slept in', but I suppose what I really mean is 'lay staring at the ceiling of'. Where Will went, I don't know.

He was in the wrong, of course. Jealous of the time I devoted to the Reserve? Ridiculous. Expecting children? Ludicrous. Typical man. Didn't he understand what having children would involve? Probably not. He wouldn't be the one swelling up like a elephant for nine months, then spending the next twenty years chasing after a kid, at the expense of all his own dreams... No. Will just didn't understand.

I wondered why he was so uptight about the issue of our marriage. Of course I wanted to marry him, but I didn't see what the big hurry was. What would it change, after all? Except that I wouldn't be Ellie Benson any more. I'd be Mrs. Darcy. I shrugged away that rather uncomfortable thought.

I worked my way through the next day with a miserable lump in the pit of my stomach, which wasn't difficult to diagnose. I might enjoy arguing with Will, but actually fighting with him...

By the time dusk began to fall, I didn't care anymore who was right and who was wrong. I just wanted the estrangement to end.

I finished work at last, took a shower and a deep breath, and went in search of Will.

He wasn't hard to find. I discovered him behind the Lab, shooting baskets at the old rusting hoop in the fading light. I paused a moment, leaning against the building and watching him.

A light film of perspiration gleamed on his skin, and the muscles of his arms and torso shifted visibly as he tossed and caught the worn basketball. I noted wryly that his ability to make my pulse quicken and my skin tingle sweetly had not lessened in the least in the four months we had been 'together'.

Straightening up, I approached him from behind, then paused. Now that I'd moved away from the shelter of the building, it only took him a moment to notice me standing there.

He turned to face me, his eyes wary. The basketball rolled away, unheeded.

For a long moment, neither of us stirred or spoke.

I was the first to make a move. Without breaking his gaze, I stepped forward, and placed my palm against his cheek. I felt him shiver very slightly, and the tremor passed from his body into mine.

Impulsively, I leaned in, kissing him softly. I was startled for a moment to realise that he was holding back a response.

Confused, I made to pull away again, but when he felt that, he suddenly pulled me closer and returned the kiss with an abruptly unbridled need.

"Why do you do this to me?" He demanded, his despairing voice muffled against my lips.

"Do... what?" I mumbled back, but received no answer in words.

Rather stupidly, I found myself overwhelmed by relief. We had healed the breach, I thought. The trouble was past. I was back in Will's arms, and everything was going to be OK.

I think of it now, and I see my mistakes so clearly. If only I had known, if only I had been wise enough to see: desire is not the same as understanding.

And some hurts run too deep to be kissed away.

Chapter 6

The next day, Spritz caught her first live prey without my help. It was a big step toward returning her to the wild, and I was ecstatically proud of her.

Eager to share the brilliant news with someone, I returned to Camp and made straight for the cabin I shared with Will, knowing that he was usually around at this time of day.

"Will!" I called his name as I approached, and broke into a jog. I pushed open the door, which was already slightly ajar. "Will, guess what? I - "

The sentence died in my throat.

Will stood by the bed. He seemed to turn in slow motion.

On the bed lay an open suitcase, half-packed.

I looked at Will's face and the world swayed.

"Ellie..."

I concentrated on breathing. In and out. In and out.

"Ellie, I've been thinking..."

Why wouldn't the ground stay still? Oh God, why didn't it stop swaying?

"...you know that things haven't been... ideal... between us..."

I closed my eyes and bit my lip until I tasted blood. Still the dizziness wouldn't leave.

"...I think we need a little... space... Time away from... each other... For the best... Ellie... Ellie, look at me..."

I stumbled backward, seeking the support of the wall behind me. The solid brace of the wood at my back helped to keep the earth in its place.

It took an incredible amount of effort just to form two words on my out-going breath.

"You're leaving," I whispered, incredulous. Saying it suddenly dissolved some of the shock, and a searing bolt of incredulous pain tore through my insides.

Will winced at my tone, but his demeanor was already resigned. "Ellie, I just can't stay any longer. I know that you chose not to recognise our problems, but..."

"I don't understand..." I shook my head, trying to clear it, "I don't understand..."

"I know you don't," Will sighed. "That's just it, Ellie. And I don't know how to explain it to you. It's like... you put so much into the Reserve that there's not much room inside you to fit anything else."

"The Reserve?" The pain inside me twisted into anger. "That's what this is about? Are you trying to make me choose between you and my work? God, Will, that's not fair! You know how important it is to me!"

Will ran a hand through his hair, distressed. "I know it's not fair! None of this is fair! That's what's tearing me apart! I know you live for what you do here, and I know it's the only place you'll ever be happy. But Ellie, I can't pretend that I don't want more than this. I don't want to live in a one-room hut forever! I don't want to be taking communal showers and meals in the mess hall for the rest of our life together! One day I do want to have children. I want a home and a - a wife, Ellie." His eyes were dark, pleading with me to understand.

I dropped my head, looking away. I tried to absorb everything he was saying. A wife. My work. A home. The plains. Children... I pressed my hands to my temples.

"I don't... I just..." I love you. Don't leave. I love you. I shook my head, fighting the conflicting voices. My voice cracked. "Will, I just want you."

Will blinked hard, and looked away. "That's not true, El," he said quietly, "That's not all you want." He walked over the suitcase and zipped it up.

I watched in silence, and my mind floundered desperately, trying to understand how this could be happening, searching for something - anything - that I could say.

Will moved toward the door.

I stepped into his path.

"Don't go," I begged simply, looking into his eyes.

Will held my gaze. I could see the struggle written clearly in his eyes. Very slowly, he put his suit case down, and reached out a hand to touch my face. His fingers traced a gentle line from my temple to my jaw.

I knew what he was doing - I felt the finality of his action cut through to my core, and settle like an aching weight in my heart. A single tear spilled down my cheek.

"Don't cry, El," he said softly, his voice catching a little. "This won't be the end. I love you."

I caught his hand in both of mine, and held it against my face. "Then why is this happening?" I demanded, tears thickening my throat.

Slowly, Will pulled his hand away, and picked up the suitcase. He paused. "Because sometimes," he said quietly, "Love just isn't enough."

And then he was gone.

Chapter 7

Will went to Boston on the next available flight.

I spent a week in shock, existing on a purely physical level and going through familiar motions: wake, eat, work, eat, sleep. I kept waiting for Will to suddenly turn up around the next corner.

He didn't.

In fact, I heard nothing from him at all.

At the beginning of the second week, I happened to open a drawer, and found a shirt he had left behind. Suddenly my legs wouldn't hold me up any longer.

I leaned back against the wall, and slid to a sitting position, burying my face in the fabric. My shoulders began to shake uncontrollably. Something had gone very wrong somewhere along the way. What the hell had happened to us?

I couldn't figure it out. The problems he had presented the day he left had seemed so stupid - so insignificant in comparison to the strength of what we shared.

But when I made myself confront what he had said, I realised just how serious things were.

Will wanted marriage, a house, kids to raise. Responsibility. Security. Stability. The ideas frightened me - threatened everything I held dear. My dreams, my lifestyle, my youthful freedom. I hated the thought of being bound so tightly, in so many directions.

I wanted Will, that was true. I loved Will. But he was quite right - he was not all I wanted. I wanted the Reserve, too. I wanted my freedom, I wanted to follow my vocation. I wanted it all, and I wanted it my way.

Even while Will and I had grown so close, our dreams had stretched in opposite directions and now they clashed horribly.

So what to do? Abandon the Reserve, and my beloved freedom, and become Mrs. Darcy? I recoiled from the thought.

Or wait for Will to realise that I could not be expected to leave my life's work to play wife, return, and carry on as we had before? He would not be happy. His dreams for his future were just as important to him as mine were to me.

Go our own ways, then.

Oh God.

I dropped my face back into Will's shirt, and began to cry in earnest.

I didn't know what else to do.

Chapter 8

He could at least call.

Damn it, it wasn't like I knew where he was. I could call Pemberley, I supposed, and ask for a contact number, but pride held me back from actually seeking him out like a stranger.

And I couldn't understand why he wasn't calling me. Was he waiting for me to chase him? Did he think I wouldn't speak to him if he called? Was it some kind of competition to see who would break first? Was this his idea of 'time apart' - a complete severance of contact? Without even a line to let me know he was OK?

None of those sounded like Will. But with each day that passed without word, the knife twisted another degree.

My moods swung dizzily from burning anger to black depression. I cursed and wept alternatively. I barely slept. Once, to my utter mortification, I actually cried in front of Sam.

He had approached me somewhat hesitantly, and his unfamiliar manner confused me momentarily. Then he revealed his purpose: he was wondering if I had any preferences for a new patrol partner, since the shift that Will and I had shared was next on the roster. For a second, I just stared dumbly. Then the reality of what had happened and what I had lost hit home with renewed force.

I choked on a sob, and suddenly lost all control. Poor Sam was horrified. He put an arm about my shoulders, awkward at first, but doing his best to offer comfort. I struggled desperately to get a hold on myself, feeling utterly pathetic and humiliated. The Reserve was a man's world as far as emotions were concerned. I had always prided myself on my defiance of any kind of female stereotype, but Will had made me vulnerable, and his departure had ripped that vulnerability into open view. At that moment, I hated him, and myself.

Sam waited several minutes before speaking, his forehead furrowed into lines of intense concern. "Ellie, look. Um. I know you're... going through a, uh, difficult time..." My lip twisted briefly at his euphemism.

Sam noticed, and hesitated, then dropped his pretense. "OK Ellie," he said, resorting to his customary bluntness, "You and I go too far back for me to stuff around with words now. You look terrible, love. You're not eating right. I'm willing to bet you're not sleeping. But you're working harder than ever. You can't keep that up, El. You just can't. So tell me now - what do you intend to do about it?"

I shrugged miserably and looked away. I couldn't answer when I didn't know myself.

Sam's frown deepened. "Look," he said more gently, after a pause, "I don't pretend to understand what went on between you and Will..." I flinched slightly, but he pressed on. "...All I know is that you're hurting in a big way, and that worries me. Hell, it more than worries me. Tell me, have you heard from him since he left?"

Again, I could only shake my head.

Sam looked angry. "Damned fool," he muttered under his breath.

I raised an eyebrow, a little confused.

Sam saw my look and shrugged. "He should have called. I don't know who he thinks he's kidding."

Huh? "And... what's that s'posed to mean?"

Sam regarded me in surprise. "Well, it's not as though hiding himself away in Boston is going to solve his problems, or yours." His tone grew very serious. "Ellie, I don't want to get involved, but I do want to help. Tell me the truth now. Do you still love Will?"

I started at the question, then my eyes filled with shocked, half-angry tears. "Of course I still love him!" I said, my voice cracking as I raised it too loud. I lowered my voice, and repeated more calmly, "Yes, I still love him. More than he can ever know. That's why it hurts so much. But what do we do, Sam? There's no compromise. It's his dreams or mine. Where's the in between? I can't ask him to give up what he wants from life - I couldn't do it to him. And he won't ask it of me. What are we left with, Sam? Tell me what."

I brushed furiously at my tears with the back of my hands, and fought for control of my feelings. Sam was silent for a long time.

"Ellie," he said at last, his voice strangely resigned, "I'm not a young man, and I know a lot of things. But I don't know a lot about... love. You know I never married. Like you, I didn't feel I had the time or the inclination to take on the responsibility of a serious partner. And yes, I have to tell you, it has been lonely at times. It's a price I've had to pay, and it's been tough at times, believe me... And even so, when I look back, I still think I made the right choices. This Reserve is my life's work, and I can look around now and feel that it was all worthwhile - all the sacrifices, the times of loneliness, everything."

I met his gaze, and I think my eyes must have reflected my doubts, my confusion. Was he telling me I ought to forget Will, and dedicate my life to the Reserve in the same way he had done? Although I had considered it in theory, hearing Sam actually voice the prospect made my insides contract painfully. I was more mixed up than ever.

Sam left a long pause. "But then..." he said softly, regarding me pensively, "I never had what you had. Never found what you and Will managed to find. And I think... I very much suspect... That if you were to reach my age, you could not look back with the same satisfaction. Would it seem justified, do you think? Throwing away one great love for another?" He shrugged. "Thank the gods I never had to make such a choice. But Ellie... If you let Will go like this... Without a fight..." Sam shook his head. "Well, there's no way you can get to the end of the line and reflect on your life with satisfaction. Don't make a decision now that will leave you bitter for the rest of your life. That's the worst thing you can do."

I pushed my hand through my hair and looked off into the distance. "Right." I replied dully. "So what do you suggest?"

Sam didn't answer, so I turned back to face him. It wasn't until my gaze met his that he spoke. "Ellie," he said, very serious, "Don't fall into the trap of forever wondering what might have been. You're long overdue for a break. I hear Boston is beautiful city this time of year. That's my advice. Take it."

Chapter 9

Author's Note: Well, this one's for Tanisha, who has been very kind and not in the least bit pushy throughout the posting of this story. I believe at one stage she even promised not to hate me, even if I did not post again immediately. Such generosity of spirit could not go unrewarded. So - here you go, Tanisha. (Although I fear that if you did not hate me before, perhaps you will now.) :p

I walked over to the window and drank it black and unsweetened, staring out over the sea of coloured light, and listening to the muted roar of the unsleeping city. I tried to picture Will out amongst it somewhere, but my imagination failed me. I couldn't picture Will at all.

I have never felt more utterly alone than I did at that moment.

By the time the sun was creeping hazily over the horizon, I felt about ready for sleep again. I read the paper that had been delivered to my door, but the news was all bad, and none of it made much sense to me anyway. Shaking my head, I made more coffee and sat on the edge of my bed, staring compulsively at the phone.

An eternity came and went before the clock on my bedside table ticked over to 9am. It was ironic to think that time usually slowed in anticipation of something good. This was the hour I had been dreading every moment for the last week, and yet it seemed an age had passed since Sam had advised me to travel to Boston.

A clear-voiced receptionist answered the phone after only one ring. I tried to speak, but my voice was rough with lack of use, and I had to clear my throat and try a second time. "Can I speak with Mr. Darcy, please?"

The receptionist seemed astonished. "Mr. Darcy?" She repeated, then paused. "May I ask who is speaking?" She inquired politely.

I wasn't really surprised by her reaction. Mr. Darcy, millionaire and joint-owner of a business as prestigious as Pemberley, would hardly grant conversations with civilian strangers whose standing could not even procure them a phone number not listed in the phone book.

Still, it was the only means he had left me to contact him. So I swallowed my pride and confirmed, a little shakily, "My name is Elizabeth Benson... Ellie. I - that is, I'm a friend. We met in Kenya. I need to contact him and I don't know how else - "

"I'm very sorry, Miss Benson," the other woman interrupted me, not unkindly, but firmly, "Mr. Darcy is not coming into the office today, and I'm afraid I can't give out personal details..."

"Miss Darcy then," I cried, growing a little frantic but trying not to let it show. "Is Georgiana Darcy in? If you'll just tell her my name, just see if she will speak to me..."

There was another pause on the other end of the line. Then, "Very well Miss - Benson was it? I'll put you through to the receptionist on her floor."

I closed my eyes and bit my lip in relief. "Thank you," I whispered.

I had never met Will's sister, but I had spoken to her once or twice. She had seemed reserved over the phone, but Will had assured me that it was just her way. She mistrusted strangers, he said. Once she knew me, she'd learn to trust me, and he was sure that once he and I married and we grew acquainted we'd be good friends. But all that had happened in another life: a happy, naive time when we could not even conceive of ever being parted.

Georgiana's secretary took my name and put me on hold for about 60 seconds before the phone gave a rough ringing sound, and I heard Georgiana's voice.

"Elizabeth," she said, her soft voice tinged with coolness, "I'm so sorry to have kept you waiting. What can I help you with?"

"It's Ellie," I mumbled, very conscious that Georgiana was well aware of my preference, and had evidently chosen to ignore it. I didn't emphasis the point, however. "Georgiana, I'm in Boston. I need your help. I need to see Will. Can you give me any news, any clue... If any one can help me, it's you, and I... don't know who else to go to." I cringed still further in humiliation at the admission. It must sound as if Will hadn't cared enough to offer me any way of getting back in contact him. And after so many weeks without a word, I began to wonder if it wasn't the truth. I wasn't sure I could ever forgive him for forcing me to track him down like some desperate abandoned woman.

Georgiana's reply was surprisingly brisk and businesslike. "Ellie, would you be able to make it into the office today? My secretary will arrange an appointment with you. I'd much rather talk face to face. Yes? Wonderful. I'll see you then."

When the cab pulled up outside the entrance to the Pemberley Co. official building, I was insanely tempted to give the driver an instruction to pull back into the traffic, and return to the hotel.

Climbing out onto the footpath, I felt my head spin as I tilted my face up to look for the peak of the gleaming chrome skyscraper. I took a deep, steadying breath, and pressed forward through the revolving glass doors.

The interior design of the foyer was a long way from ostentatious, but the place was practically saturated in elegant good taste, which declared the awesome wealth of its financier modestly, but declared it just the same. I looked around at all the dark-suited, somber-faced business people striding purposefully across the foyer. I was surprised to discover just how easily I could imagine Will among their number, serious and sharp and brilliant. And yet I knew that there was flip side to his nature - the grinning, easy-going Reserve-hand, whom I had fallen in love with. I had never really learned to be comfortable with the ruthless businessman aspect of his character, or with the idea of his wealth and influence in the 'real world'. Out on the Reserve, such status seemed a little surreal.

Boarding a large, mahogany-walled elevator, I stared straight ahead, ignoring all the other passengers. I felt claustrophobic and out of place. I reminded myself that Will had come to the Reserve to escape this life, and now I could see why. This life must have stifled him almost as much as it did me. Yet we are all what our experiences make us, and Will was still a product of this hard, fast-moving world. It had taken me this long to fully acknowledge that.

I was five minutes early for my 'appointment' with Georgiana, but even so I was shown into her office immediately.

As I entered the room, I was immediately struck by its near-stark simplicity. Inevitably, however, 'understated elegance' was the only description which could apply.

A small, pale woman with wispy blonde curls and big blue eyes stood up as I entered, and leaned over her desk to shake my hand. "Ellie," she said in her soft voice, smiling rather tightly, "I'm Georgiana. Wonderful to meet you at last. Do sit down." She gestured to the facing chair on my of the desk.

Awkwardly, with my heart beating fast, I complied.

I looked up to find Georgiana regarding me with a strange, speculative look in her ice blue eyes. I leaned back warily, and began to realize that my first impression of gentle girlishness was perhaps not entirely accurate.

"So," she said, after a long, awkward silence, "You're looking for Will."

I nodded. "That's right." There was a game being played here, and although I didn't think that either of us wanted to play it, I was well aware that only Georgiana knew the rules.

She was silent again, her gaze interrogative.

I cleared my throat. "All I want to know, Georgiana," I said carefully, "Is whether you can help me. I've come a very long way, but we both know it was not to see the sights of Boston."

"Yes, I know," Georgiana replied, with equal care. She regarded me a moment longer, then leaned back in her chair and raised her palms in a gesture of resignation. "Ellie, I want to be frank with you. I did not intend to be this direct, and I assure you it is not usually in my character. But I am a businesswoman, and in difficult situations I find sheer bluntness is the only antidote to crippling shyness. I like you, Ellie Benson. I confess, I didn't expect to. I saw Will when he came back from Kenya, and I - That is to say, I love my brother, and I hate to see him in pain. When I met him at the airport three weeks ago, I don't think 'pain' was an adequate word to describe what he seemed to be going through." Georgiana shrugged. "I blamed you, naturally. A natural bias, and I hope you'll forgive me for it. Now that I've seen you, however, it's hard to maintain my prejudice. You look very much as he looked. I'm sorry for what you've been through, I honestly am. But..."

I blinked rapidly, trying to take in all the information at once. I saw now how such a timid-looking creature had gotten so far in a cut-throat business world. Not only did her shrewd and unglossed approach set all the pieces clearly and simply on the board, but her soft appearance gave her the advantage of surprise over her adversaries.

"...But," she was saying, "I still can't believe that you will make my brother happy."

I started.

"I know, you think me presumptuous. But I think I know what you are, Ellie. You're wild. Wild to the core, and afraid of being caged. Will isn't like that, Ellie. When he loves, he gives all of himself. But you couldn't do that, could you? You could never give yourself up to another person, lose yourself in them, devote yourself to them, the way Will needs you to. He loved you, and he wanted to bind you to him with every tie he could. But you didn't want to be bound." Georgiana's eyes never left my face. "That's why I don't think you can ever be happy, Ellie. And that's why I'm going ask you now not to seek him out again, for Will's sake and for yours. Let him be. Yes, you're both hurting now, but in the long run..." Her voice trailed off.

For a long minute, I said nothing. I stared at the carpet, fighting down a renewed wave of miserable nausea.

Finally, I raised my gaze to Georgiana's face again. "I still want to talk to him," I said softly, desperately unwilling to believe that Will's sister might be right - that there was no hope.

Georgiana sighed and leaned back in her chair. "Very well. The truth is Ellie, I can't help you. I'm not lying to you. My advice to you earlier was a result of my honest reflections, but it was also intended to spare you further hurt. Because now I have to tell you that I don't know where Will is. He returned to Boston two weeks ago, spent about five days in the depths of depression, and then disappeared again. He told me he was going away, and that was it. I haven't had word since."

I listened with a deepening frown. "Why?" I asked, "Why would he do that? Without even telling you?"

Georgiana winced slightly, and it appeared to cost her effort to speak. "Don't you see, Ellie?" she said quietly, "Haven't you asked yourself why Will left Africa, why he didn't contact you, why he's disappeared now, without a word? Will doesn't want to be found. And most of all, Ellie... he doesn't want to be found by you."

Chapter 10

Something was wrong. Something was so wrong.

I swayed helplessly, and fell onto my knees, grazing them on the rough concrete. My stomach heaved and I was violently sick into the gutter.

People were coming toward me, taking me by the elbows, bringing me to my feet. Concerned faces and inquiring voices blurred together. I couldn't hear what they were saying, couldn't bring their faces into focus.

"She needs help... She has to see a doctor..."

A doctor, I remember thinking, No point. I'm dying. I can't live through this. I'm dying.

And then, for the second time in 26 years, darkness fell and I fainted.

Chapter 11

"Hello. It's Ellie Benson here. I... Can I speak to Miss Darcy. Please."

After an appropriate delay of dial tones and hold music, I heard Georgiana's voice.

"Yes, Ellie?"

"I... was wondering..." I swallowed hard. "That is... have you heard anything from Will... at all...?"

Georgiana's voice softened slightly, but remained firm. "No, Ellie. Nothing. I'm sorry."

"OK," I replied, then paused. "Well, if you do hear from him... Could you tell him... Tell him I'm..." The words caught in my throat.

"Ellie? Are you still there? Ellie, are you all right?"

Georgiana voice echoed in my head, and I heard again her words from the day before. ...Doesn't want to be found by anyone... Least of all by you... Least of all by you...

"Ellie what is - ?"

I replaced the phone on the receiver, paused, and picked up my bag.

Very softly, I closed the hotel room door behind me.

Chapter 12

This chapter is, as previously promised, for Tineke. I'd also like to take this opportunity to apologise to all those people who were hoping this wasn't going to happen. (Hah. Now there's a reassuring thing to say at the top of a post!! And yes, before any one wails, I do take delight in vexing you. ;D

I returned to the Reserve enveloped in an extraordinary calm.

Remote.

No one knew how to take me. No one knew what to say. Which was fine, because I had no words with which to answer them.

I went to my cabin and spent a lot of time sleeping. No one disturbed me, or told me to come to work. After all, I was technically still 'on leave'. But even if I had been on duty, I don't think anyone would have approached me. They all stepped so damn carefully.

Perhaps they thought I'd lost my mind. Perhaps I had. Certainly they believed I'd had some kind of breakdown. If only, I thought. If only.

A week after I returned from Boston, I put myself abruptly back to work. Heads were raised and just as swiftly ducked again as I entered the dining hall and sat down.

Sam approached and smiled in a slightly forced sort of way, putting one had awkwardly on my shoulder. "Good to have you back, Ellie," he said.

I nodded absently, not really listening or caring. He went away.

I left the dining hall, showered, brushed my teeth, and resumed my old routine. And another week passed.

It was two weeks after my return from Boston when things finally came to a head.

I was helping Sam stock the patrol 4XD for a trip some of the other hands were making to the western quarter. Supplies included a heavy gas-run camping fridge, and Sam climbed up onto the roof-racks to make space for it.

"Right," he called down from his towering position, "Pass that fridge up to me."

I moved to follow his instruction, then hesitated.

All of a sudden, the blood drained from my face and I looked up at Sam with an expression of stricken horror.

"Sh*t!" He exclaimed, catching sight of my face and scrambling down.

"Ellie, what is it?"

I stared at him, my eyes wide and terrified. "I can't," I whispered, gesturing weakly, "I can't do it, Sam."

He looked from me to the fridge and back again, his expression wary and more than a little worried.

"Ellie...? Are you all right?"

I shook my head emphatically. "No. No I'm not all right. I'm not all right. I can't lift that fridge, Sam. Things can never be all right again!" My voice was crescendoing, shaking.

"I'm pregnant, Sam. I'm pregnant!"

A revolution was taking place inside my head. Not once since hearing that diagnosis in a clean little doctor's examination room in Boston had I really believed it myself. A numb haze had insulated me from the reality of it for two full weeks. But now, at last, I couldn't ignore its implications any longer.

I was pregnant.

And Will was gone.

I was on my own.

Chapter 13

Sam's attitude toward my outburst was not exactly what I would have expected. He was shocked, certainly. But he did not seem to share my panicked horror. Instead, his face creased into a deep frown, and he seemed pre-occupied and worried. That was an understandable reaction too, I supposed, but as I said, it was not quite what I would have anticipated.

For a long time, I sat with my head in my hands, struggling to cope with the magnitude of my feelings over my dilemma--feelings which I had only just unleashed.

Sam paced sporadically, but I paid him little attention. When I looked up at last, it was to find him staring at me, his eyes troubled and his teeth prodding uncertainly at his lower lip. "Ellie, I..." he said, and hesitated. Changed his mind. "Well is it certain, Ellie? Have you seen a doctor?"

I nodded mutely, looking away.

He sighed. "Right. Well. I guess you better get some rest, love, OK?"

I must have looked as pale and miserable as I felt, because he walked me back to my cabin.

At the door, he hesitated again. "Things are going to be all right, Ellie," he said suddenly, meeting my gaze with a strange earnestness, pleading with me to believe him.

I smiled without humour. "I wish I could see how, Sam," I replied despondently. "I don't want a baby. I don't want to be a mother. I don't want..." My voice faded. "I don't want to do it alone."

Sam reached out and touched my chin very gently. "You won't be alone, Ellie," he said softly. "Will loves you, you know that. He won't let you be alone."

I jerked my face away.

"You haven't told him, then," Sam observed quietly.

I shot Sam a look that was suddenly filled with wary fierceness. "He's the one who left, Sam, not me! He's the one who disappeared without a word, forcing me to trail him like a lost puppy. And he's the one who made sure the door was slammed in my face when I did! I've swallowed so much of my pride that I'm sick with it. Well what else do you want me to do? Pin him down and say, 'Look, I know you traveled halfway around the world to be free from me, but now I'm pregnant so please come back...'? Not likely, Sam! I'm damned if I'm going to seek him out to tell him something like this. If he finds out someday, fine, I'm sure he'll learn to live with it. But meanwhile, I'm not going to make any effort to inform him and neither are you!"

"Ellie, stop talking like that. You're just trying to hurt Will back for hurting you and it'll only--"

"I don't care what you think, Sam! Just promise me you won't tell any one, especially not Will!"

"The camp staff are going to know soon enough, Ellie," Sam admonished softly.

I ignored that. "Swear!" I demanded.

Sam sighed. "I swear," he promised reluctantly. "But Ellie, you know that Will--"

"Enough about Will," I interrupted, suddenly feeling unspeakably weary on the subject. "I don't want to hear any more about him. I just... I just want to sleep now. Goodbye, Sam."

I twisted the door handle, and let myself into my cabin. As I turned to close the door behind me, I caught sight of Sam's deeply troubled expression. I briefly regretted my abruptness, but there was nothing more to say. He thought Will should know about my child, I was equally adamant that the knowledge should not be revealed.

I closed the door.

Chapter 14

So why would I not tell Will about my baby?

Perhaps for just that reason - it was my baby, mine by right of what I had suffered, what I suffered still, and what Will had made me suffer.

And Sam was right, in a way. Will had hurt me more deeply than I could have imagined by his rejection, and now I wanted to hurt him back by the only means left to me. Will might not have wanted me anymore, but I knew very well that he would change his mind if he heard about my pregnancy. If it was a child that he wanted so badly, then far from it that I should fulfill his wish. Let him discover twenty years too late what he had lost when he abandoned me!

Bitter though I was, I couldn't help but see the childish spite behind such motives. But even after a calmer reflection, I could not justify a second attempt to contact Will. He was the one who had left me, and his failure to make the tiniest effort to speak me again was callous and cruel. This isn't the end, he had promised me. But such promises held little worth now, in the face of all that had happened.

Yet in a way, Will had in fact been right. It hadn't been the end when he had walked out of my life that day. Now his impact on my life would continue forever. I was still bewildered and frightened by the prospect of being a mother. It was not something I had ever considered dealing with - I had certainly never seen myself as a maternal-type person. When Will had mentioned the possibility of an intentional pregnancy someday, every instinct had rebelled. But now, everything had been changed around - thrown into comparative chaos. Will was no longer around, but I would have his baby. I would be a mother, because now I simply had no choice in the matter.

But strangely enough, with everything else that had changed around me, I had changed too. It was a very small difference at first, and I was barely even conscious of it. I still lay awake in my bed, crying a few bitter tears and wondering what on earth would become of my life now that I was alone, and saddled with a child to raise. I saw the irony clearly: once I had been torn between two wonderful dreams: a life with Will or a career on the Reserve. But because I could not or would not make a decision between the two, I had now lost both.

I told myself I should despise Will, and certainly I resented the child growing inside. (There was a bizarre thought - a baby was growing inside me. It made me feel awed and nauseated alternately.) But in those few moments not clouded by pain or illness, I knew that I did not hate Will. And each time those moments came, I grew more aware of a strange, bittersweet kind of joy which came from remembering my quickening state. The thought of child was my one assurance that I hadn't lost Will entirely, because now he was always going to be with me.

Three days of morning sickness, sleep, dreams, nightmares, walks, tears, and mood swings blurred their way past.

And then, on the fourth day after my outburst in front of Sam, I took a walk to Tunsami Rock in the eastern quarter.

And everything was changed.

Chapter 15

Tunsami Rock is very accurately named. It is a rock, and very little more. It might warrant the label of a boulder, but only at a stretch.

But it was a good landmark in a landscape where good landmarks are few. It squatted, solid and grey, at the fringe of a clump of bushland, perhaps seven kilometres from the Camp.

I was red-faced and tired by the time I reached it, but I enjoyed the sense of achievement I felt at having made it. I had grown irritated by my own self-pitying sloth. Just because I was forced to spend the first few hours of every day draped limply over the toilet bowl was no excuse for growing fat and lazy. Well, the 'growing fat' part would perhaps be inevitable, but laziness I was determined to avoid!

Gradually, I caught my breath again. I had no wish to start back to Camp straight away, so I turned my attention to Tunsami rock and eyed it speculatively. A foothold here and a hand hold there, and I could probably pull myself up.

Ever keen to undertake a challenge, I pulled off my boots and set about climbing the side of the rock. Although it was not much taller than I was, the curved sides were actually quite smooth. I was only about a foot off the ground when my toe slipped from its hold, and I slithered abruptly to the earth, scraping my arms and knees and giving myself a fright sufficient to set my heart beating faster.

Suddenly I remembered the baby, and frowned. I ought not have attempted such a childish venture, I realised. I should have been thinking for the welfare of two.

The idea annoyed me. Was the inhibition starting already? Was the old Ellie, carefree and adventurous, lost even now?

With my forehead deeply furrowed, I turned and leaned my back against the cool stone, thinking. My hands came to rest absentmindedly against my stomach.

"Hello Ellie."

For one strange, surreal moment, I was not even surprised to hear the disembodied voice speaking my name through the hushed heat on the plains.

Then I raised my eyes, and my calm crumbled somewhat.

"Will," I returned coolly, my voice shaking only slightly.

He looked... I can't tell you how he looked. It was Will. That's all I can say. It was Will, before me, close enough to touch, real and warm, breathing the same air as me, filling all the aching voids in my heart and creating new ones all at once.

I was thankful for the support of the rock at my back, but only for that first moment. As my own strength and thought returned, so did my anger as I realised what must have happened.

With a conscious effort marred by physical pain, I tore my gaze away from his.

"Ellie - "

"Sam told you."

I had interrupted, but I couldn't have cared less.

Will frowned slightly. "What?"

"Sam," I repeated, "He told you... about me."

Will seemed to hesitate, then shrugged and nodded. "Yes." He replied simply. "He told me."

There was silence for a long moment. Even though I had known what the case must be, some part of me must have harboured the vain hope that it was not true. That Will had actually come back for me, because he loved me and needed me, and not because he wanted a share in our... in my child.

So much for that. A stupid hope anyway.

"Ellie," Will tried again, "I'm... so sorry I haven't called..."

Yes, I'll bet you are. Now.

"I just... Well, I didn't want..." He looked around uncomfortably.

I watched him, dull eyed. "Sam promised," I said quietly, my thoughts turning inward in attempt to escape the painfulness of Will's display. "He promised he would tell no one." Righteous anger at Sam's betrayal was a much easier emotion to bear.

"Don't blame Sam, Ellie," Will advised softly, "I would have known soon enough."

"Oh?" I inquired bitingly, unable to hide my sarcasm, "And would that have been through clairvoyance or through your international network of spies? Because correct me if I'm wrong Will, but you haven't exactly been close at hand these past few weeks. If Sam hadn't shot off to give you a full report, you wouldn't have had a clue about me, or what I've been through!"

I saw his face register pain at my attack, but I did not want to give him a chance to speak.

"And on that note, Will, how is that Sam seems to have a direct line of communication with you while I've been reduced to tracing you like a stranger, only to be told that 'you don't want to be found, least of all by me'!"

"Who - ?"

"How did you think that would make me feel? Or didn't you think at all, Will? Obviously you haven't, or you would never have taken me for such a fool now. What do you think you're doing out here? Do you think I can't see through you now? You heard the gossip and flew on in, and then dear old Sam revealed my whereabouts so that you could follow me here and turn up now, offering pitiful, not to mention transparent apologies for actions that I don't expect I'll ever be able to forgive!" My tone grew more and more strained as my angry pain swelled into my throat. "You're not who I thought you were, Will Darcy. Now get out of here and leave me alone!"

I pushed past him and strode away, blinking furiously at my tears. I was intensely grateful that I had not let them fall while Will's eyes were on me.

Behind me, I heard him call my name. I did not stop. If I were to turn back, he would see my damp cheeks, and he would know the truth: he would know how desperately I still wanted him, still loved him... But with all I knew now, my pride would not allow me to surrender myself into the clutches of a man who could not have been bothered to call if he had not discovered that I now held something he wanted.

Let him think I despised him. I must never let him know how weak my defenses against him really were.

"Ellie, stop!" His voice came again, and I knew that he followed me. I walked faster.

"Ellie!" Now it was a cry of real alarm and fear.

A strong hand fastened roughly on my right upper arm and wrenched me backwards with painful force. I opened my mouth in surprise and anger, and it was only then that I heard the sudden low hissing from the path before me.

A snake, not terribly large but a vivid, lethal green in hue, reared its head in aggressive defense, its long fangs displayed and its small yellow eyes promising a cold reptilian death if it were threatened further. My breath caught in my throat and I froze, unable to look away. I knew this species, and I knew my fate should it decide to strike.

In the shock of the moment, I did not notice that Will's arms were around me, his body angled slightly in front of mine. He too was perfectly still, waiting to see what the snake would do.

I'm not sure exactly how long it was we stood there, a strange tableau of fear and suspense, before the snake warily lowered its upper body back onto the ground. It did not hesitate after that, but slipped quickly and almost silently back into the undergrowth with nothing but a soft, dry scraping of scales against leaves.

And the danger was gone.

My knees went weak beneath me, but I did not fall. It was only then that I became vaguely aware of Will's arms still around me, holding me close against him and showing no sign of relaxing their embrace now that the danger was past.

And I realised that I was not pulling away, either. I looked up in fearful apprehension, and found Will's gaze burning down on me, intense with a strange mixture of relief and passionate emotion which I knew I couldn't defend myself against.

A tiny exclamation of helpless, anguished defeat escaped me before Will's kiss removed every thought of resistance from my mind.

There were several long moments of longing, mindless bliss before I managed to wrench myself away. Even this desperate attempt to preserve some sense of dignity and pride was undermined when I realised that tears were now spilling endlessly over my cheeks.

Will's face seemed to reflect all of my anguish and more, but I could not let myself believe that. He reached out to me, but I pulled away.

"Ellie, please," he pleaded, his voice was soft and low, as if he too might be close to tears.

"Ellie, I'm sorry. I've gone about things all wrong. I didn't mean for you to think... Look, I can't explain, El. But I can show. Just say you'll come with me. Give me one hour, that's all I ask. At the end of that hour I'll ask you to marry me one more time. If you say no, I'll leave, I promise. Just say you'll come with me now. Please, Ellie."

I looked at him with pain reflected in my eyes. "I can not marry you," I said dully, "I know why you came back, Will. I will not marry you."

Will blinked, and the hurt my words caused him was as evident as his confusion. But still he insisted.

"One hour, Ellie." He held out his hand to me, his eyes making one last desperate plea.

I felt my heart twisting for him, and I wondered if my prideful resolve could withstand an hour in his company.

With a heart-felt sigh, I gave him my hand.

"One hour," I agreed.

Chapter 16

Will had evidently come on one of the Reserve's motorbikes. I hesitated a moment before climbing on behind him. "I don't suppose we could walk?" I suggested, without much hope.

Will twisted around and gave me a strange look. "Why?" He asked.

I shrugged. "Motorbikes are dangerous," I replied, half-embarrassed, half-reproving.

"That's... never bothered you before..." Will seemed confused.

"I know. But that was before." I looked at him pointedly.

He looked at me a moment longer, his expression still non-comprehending. Then he turned around with the slightest of shrugs and kicked the motor into life, leaving me to wonder at his denseness.

As we roared along, I found my thoughts swirling in turmoil. What was I doing now? Had my pride been beaten so low now that I was considering accepting a man whose only motive for returning to my side was to claim his child? And even if I had been somehow miraculously mistaken, and Will really did retain his love for me, what difference was it going to make? We would be right back where we were before, with two different sets of dreams with no standing point between them.

No, wait, that wasn't quite true. I was forgetting how circumstances had changed - now my old dream was now an impossible fantasy.

Strangely enough, though, now that I was resigned to my condition, I did not mind my losses so much. Once, I had found the idea of motherhood oppressive and draining, certain that a child could mean nothing but pain and personal sacrifice. Now I had been plunged into the role without a choice, and as the automatic reaction of shock and despair faded, I was surprised to discover that my life was continuing on.

I was finding out things that I had never considered before. There was something secret and special about carrying a baby. Perversely, in the face of all my reluctance to be a mother, I experienced strange, sweet rushes of pride and anticipation and even joy when I thought of my now inevitable child.

As one avenue of dreams closed to me, another began to form. That is certainly not to say that I had begun to wish for a white-picket-fenced in suburbia. My heart still rebelled at the thought of leaving the Reserve behind me, and I still didn't know how on earth my life could ever be restructured. All I knew was that as hard as it would make things, the thought of my baby no longer filled me with angry resentment. Since I had no choice in the matter, I would be a mother. And although I was worried and a more than a little afraid, I was determined that I could be a good one.

I wished suddenly I could read Will's thoughts. We were riding south, in the direction of Peterson's Gap. What could he possibly be doing? And where had he been these past weeks? Why hadn't he called? Why had he said nothing about the baby yet? And how -

My thoughts were arrested mid-train.

I squinted against the wind blowing in my face as I tried to bring those unfamiliar shapes into focus. The closer we came, the clearer my vision grew.

A construction site? Out here?

Will was slowing the bike. Half a dozen construction workers, complete with orange hard hats, looked up from their work to take us in. One man straightened up and made to approach us, but Will stalled him with a quick wave of his hand and turned to me.

His expression was one of worried inquiry, but he half-smiled when he saw my look of pure wondering astonishment. With the tip of his index finger, he touched my chin and I closed my mouth abruptly, not even having realised that it had fallen open.

"It's... a house, Ellie." He said softly, when it became clear that I was incapable of speech.

"Our house, if you still want it to be. I didn't want you to see it until it was finished, but..."

"H - how...?"

Again, Will gave a hesitant half-smile. "It wasn't easy - I had to go through more red tape than you'd ever believe to get the government's permission, this being a Reserve and all. But I had Sam's support and I was actually an employee on the land, and I had the money - that always helps. Construction only started a week and a half ago."

"No no, I mean... How could you... Why didn't you..."

"Why didn't I tell you?"

I nodded rapidly.

Will looked pained. "I was stupid," he said, with self-directed anger. "I left the Reserve and I didn't know what I was going to do, I just thought that being away from you for a while might help me get things sorted out. That was probably my first mistake, because it just left me feeling worse every day we were apart. I only lasted about four days in Boston before I knew I had to get back to Africa before I went insane. I got back on a plane, and sat there with my head in my hands, because I knew nothing had been solved - only made worse. And I don't know what triggered it, but suddenly I was determined that if there was a solution out there, I was going to find it and make it happen."

"And I thought of this," he gestured around us, "A place where we could stay on the Reserve, but a place that is just ours. A - a home. A way to answer both our dreams. It seemed an impossible project at first, but when it actually started to happen, I got a little obsessed. I decided you must not see it until it was absolutely complete. I wanted you to see exactly the vision that I had in my head, I wanted you to see how it could work for us..." Will's eyes seemed to be everywhere but on me as he spoke, his voice softening as he said, "I guess I was... am... just afraid that you'd shy away again, tell me it wasn't what you wanted. I was... so afraid of blowing what I knew had to be out one last chance to make things work. That's why I didn't call. I just..." He took a deep breath, and fixed his gaze on the ground. "I was too afraid of hearing you say 'No'."

I listened to his explanation in heart-wracked astonishment, at a loss for an adequate reply. A real house out here on the Reserve... A life with Will... One last chance at happiness... And he had intended to return all along! It was not just the baby, it was me! Me that he wanted! Me!

"Will Darcy, you are a fool," I declared loudly, and saw his shoulders slump a little. I stepped forward, forcing him to raise his head. To see my expression.

The joy and love in my face must have blinded him. He blinked, his eyes registering sudden wary hope. I threw my arms around his neck and smiled up at him, happier than I would have believed possible just an hour before. "You should have called," I told him seriously, and pinched him as hard as I could. When he exclaimed at my roughness, I told him he had deserved it and more. "But it's all right. I forgive you now. Just don't ever leave me alone like that again. Swear it?"

He regarded me just as seriously. "I'll swear it, Ellie." He said, but there was an unexpected edge of sadness to the words, and I thought I knew why.

"Aren't you going to ask me to swear the same for you?" I asked quietly.

Will's expression did not change.

"Because I will swear it now Will. And then I'll swear it in a church, in a Registrar's office, I don't care."

Moving suddenly, Will pulled me tightly into his embrace. I returned the pressure of his arms with equal fervour, then heard his voice, low near my ear.

"Ah, Ellie... I love you for saying the words, but you know you don't have to do it. I don't want any promises that you make out of pity or guilt..."

I pushed back slightly so that I could see his expression. "You're wrong, Will!" I exclaimed in surprise, then smiled at him, shaking my head. "I know, I used to be afraid of marriage, because I thought it would inhibit my freedom, destroy my independence. But I've learned things since then. For one thing, it's too late for me to escape dependence. I am already dependent on you. I can't live without you, and my state of denial crumbled pitifully when you left. And as for freedom... The only time I feel trapped now is when I'm away from you, because that's when I can't escape the pain of missing you. You're well and truly under my skin, Will, and I can't run from that, not any more. I love you. I belong to you. And as much as that once frightened me... Now I wouldn't have it any other way."

Will held me like he would never let me go, and I felt tears pricking at my eyelids as I wished he never would.

Chapter 17

It was quite some time before I stepped back from Will's embrace, and took his hand tightly in my own.

"Well," I said, smiling sweetly, "I suppose you should show me the where the nursery is going to be in this palace you're building us."

Will smiled back, but he looked faintly uncomfortable at my joke - I assumed because of my reference to a palace.

We took a few steps in the direction of the construction site, then Will stopped again and waited for me to face him.

"Ellie," he said earnestly, "You know I haven't done all of this to blackmail you into children. I don't want anything from you that you don't want to give. And I know how strongly you've always felt about kids. I just... want you to know that."

I stared at him in astonishment, and dawning realisation. "You mean... Sam didn't tell you...?"

Will frowned. "All Sam said was that I was making a mistake by leaving you alone, without word, for so long. And I had to admit that deep down I knew he was right. I wasn't being fair. So I pushed all my fears aside and came to find you. What was Sam supposed to have told me?"

A wide grin was spreading across my face. So Sam hadn't broken his promise at all! "It's not what he should have told you," I replied enigmatically, "He wasn't supposed to say anything at all, but now I'm glad he said what he did... and no more than that!"

I laughed aloud at Will's expression. "Don't look like that, sweetheart!" I soothed him smilingly, "Just come along now. Obviously we are going to need to make some quick changes to these house-plans before the builders get much further. I want a baby's room adjoining the main bedroom, and..."

"Ellie, I just told you, you don't - "

I held up a hand to silence him. "Let me finish. ...And I want it fully equipped before November of this year. Because that's when we're going to need it."

It was Will's turn to be rendered speechless, first by shock, then disbelief, then by joy which was abruptly overtaken by intense concern. It took quite some convincing to reassure him that I really did want this child, that my attitude really had changed.

And it had. Not just toward children, but in so many ways. I had just come through the darkest, most testing weeks of my life, but I had emerged from them as a woman quite different to the girl who had begun them. And I think that was the difference: Ellie Benson had grown up at last.

You know that old saying about how it's always coldest just before the dawn? Well, I reckon there's truth in it. And the sharper the chill, the brighter the dawn.

I know I've been lucky to find a love that survived the whole night through.

Epilogue

As a joke, our house was christened 'Pemberley', but oddly enough the name stuck and was never referred to by any other title.

When Samuel was one year old, we took him to Boston to meet his Aunt Georgiana. Things between Will and Georgiana had been a little cool after I told him of her words to me in Boston. However, since I had been given time to reflect, I felt certain that Georgiana's motives had not been malicious. So I brought Will around by reminding him quite reasonably that if Georgiana had come to him looking wrecked by a relationship, he would not look kindly upon her partner either.

Nonetheless, our initial greeting between was a little wary on both sides, as we both expected to find the other harbouring dislike. But when Georgiana witnessed for herself Will's evident happiness, she understood that her original appraisal of the situation had been wrong and was humble enough to admit that to me in her apology. Actually, she seemed so awkward about it that I was initially confused. However, the more time I spent with Will's sister the more apparent it became that her 'ruthless businesswoman' role was something of a defensive mechanism. An armour which she wore in difficult circumstances to conceal her natural shyness. She had a knack for big business, but in social situations she was painfully inept. Once we understood each other, we grew surprisingly close. I guess we were both in need of a good female friend.

The trip to Boston quickly became an annual affair. On our fourth visit, Will and I introduced Aunt Georgie to her second nephew, Richard Darcy. Little Ricky's birth was difficult, however, and I don't know if there will be any more children. The doctors don't advise it, and I confess, I am afraid to relive the pain.

So I haven't been living a fairy tale. No one's life is perfect, I suppose. Being a mother is hard, harder than I could have imagined. But it's wonderful, too, and things are getting a little easier as the boys get older. Sam sometimes even goes on patrols with Will, and Ricky is proving to have a wonderful way with animals, and helps me with my 'patients'.

No, my life isn't perfect. But sometimes, I wake up very early and make myself a drink. I walk outside in the dim grey light and stand on the verandah as the steam rises from my cup - a little hand-held echo of the drifting silver mists on the plains. The house sleeps on behind me: Will sprawled in our bed, warm and a little restless with me gone; Sammy and Ricky breathing soft, even breaths into the darkness of their room, with the covers pulled up to their chins. I bring the cup to my lips, take a sip, and sit down to wait.

Sometimes there will be antelope grazing nearby, appearing and disappearing like phantoms through the shifting mists. A couple of times I've seen a leopard loping home after a night's hunting. Once I was even visited by an elephant - a small female who approached the verandah as if curious, but she did not quite have the courage to explore it with me sitting there. For all her bulk, she moved silently as a cat as her lumbering grey form faded back into the mists. Such encounters never lose their wonder for me.

I am always surprised by how quickly it grows light, once the process has begun. As the light grows stronger, the mist evaporates and the dew on the grasses begins to sparkle. The chilly bite in the air fades away, and the sun begins to rise.

At about this point, Will usually emerges, hair tousled from sleep. He seats himself beside me and we sit together in peaceful silence to watch the dawn. I sit there and wonder how it is possible for one heart to contain so much love. For Will, for my children, and yes, for the open plains. Sometimes I feel as though I can't survive it - the feeling is so overwhelming.

Soon enough, there are sounds from the house to signal that the boys are stirring, and that's when Will smiles at me and reaches for my hand.

And I smile back, my eyes shining brightly. What words are there to say in such moments?

But he understands. Kisses me softly.

We walk back into the house hand in hand, and face another day.