Prologue
Being an extremely silly story.I know I shouldn't keep on starting new stories with Darcy still repeating his days over and over, but I've always wanted to do a Red Dwarf crossover, so when the inspiration hit... This gets sillier.
The year was 1816. Colonel Fitzwilliam was a little bored. The war was over and there wasn't much for a man in his position to do. He was staying with his cousin Mr. Darcy and his wife at Pemberley on leave, but he had been there a month already and could hardly trespass on their hospitality much longer, especially with the little ones taking up so much of the Darcys' time. Life after the war was extremely dull for a soldier, he thought, not that he'd want to go back to the dastardly war, but he wanted some excitement. What to do, where to go? He had no idea. He was mulling these thoughts over, floating on his back in the famous Pemberley pond, when there was a strange humming noise and a curious bright flash of light on the banks of the pond. He splashed up and rubbed his eyes in disbelief. There, before his eyes, was a large, green, metallic vessel of a kind he had never seen before. A panel on the side opened up, and from within came four strange men. One was dressed in black leather with long messy hair, another was tall with big nostrils and an "H" on his forehead, another had sharp teeth and an even sharper suit made of some sort of shiny material, and the last looked like his head had had a run in with a lawn mower, if the Colonel had but known what one was. They blinked and looked around.
"Hey, Fitzy dude!" the first one said when he spotted the Colonel. "Long time no see, eh man?"
"Be quiet, gimboid," replied the taller man, "he doesn't know who we are yet."
"Oh, yeah, I forgot."
"Why doesn't he know us yet?" asked the one with the sharp teeth.
"Because, sir, we first met in an alternative reality several years ago, in which the Colonel here ended up being shot down by a German submarine in the year 1916, and because of the time/space continuum being equilaterally paradoxical, we have not yet met," explained the one with the strange head.
"Oh, of course, I'd forgotten. Thanks, bud!" said the other, still obviously in the dark.
Fitzwilliam was extremely confused.
"Do I know you?" he asked.
"Not yet, Mr. Colonel Sir, you see we come from the future, and using our time travel abilities we met a version of you in an alternative reality. Unfortunately, you met with a rather dirty end, and we have come now to take you back."
"You see, man, we needed a brave, strong, clever, crime-fighting hero, but none of us quite fitted the bill. The Cat's too lazy, Rimmer's dead, Kryten's too busy, and Holly's a computer. So Holly searched back in time and came up with you as the perfect candidate," said the one with the long, messy hair, in a gorgeous Scottish accent.
The Colonel was flattered. "Of all the men, in all the world, over all time, I am the ultimate fighting hero? Wow!"
The man they called Rimmer started to clear his throat, but the other nudged him in the stomach, only his elbow seemed to go through him. Fitzwilliam stared in amazement, and Kryten noticed his curiosity.
"Mr. Rimmer is a hologram, he is made entirely of light."
"Oh of course, that explains it," said Fitzwilliam, still in the dark.
"Of course, there is a lot you don't yet know about our technology," said Kryten, and proceeded to fill him in on the last few centuries' worth of information.
"Whoa!" said the Colonel, astounded. "I find this astonishing, yet I can't help but believe you. And I am at a loose end at the moment, I will gladly come with you."
"What of the dangers, Fitzwilliam? The peril, the constant danger your life will be in?" asked Rimmer, obviously thinking of his own standards.
"I am a soldier, sir, I do not fear death! Just let me say good-bye to my cousin and I'll be off!"
Fitzwilliam quickly grabbed a change of clothes and said good-bye to the Darcys (although not telling them where he was going, for who would believe it?) Then they set off to their home ship, Red Dwarf.