Posted on Saturday, 26 August 2000
heehee....this is just a one post short story that i came up with one night in chat.....warning: THIS IS NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY :) i don't think killing is good. killing is baaaaaaaaad....but here was how i came up with it:
Problem: how to eliminate George Wickham (the guy we all hate)
Solution: Dixie Chicks style!
It's based upon the Dixie Chicks' "Goodbye Earl" and highly recommend listening to it ;) so here it goes....
The sun was shining bright in Dullerton the day the high school class of 1990 graduated. The class of twenty students were just standing around, saying good-bye to everybody. Since it was such a small class (and no, it wasn't a private school), everybody was close to each other. To them, it should've been a rainy day (which would've helped their parents' crops out too). Never mind that it was a small town and everybody would see each other every day at the local corner store; just appease them.
Nobody was as upset as Janey Sue and Eliza May, though, for they were the best of friends all through high school. They both were members of the 4-H club and the Future Farmers of America, and spent most of their time together outside of those clubs. These two were the smartest and most prettiest two girls of Dullerton and were admired wherever they went. Janey Sue had blonde hair, blue eyes, and freckles over her cheeks. Eliza May had dark hair that she always kept in two braids, and people often said her brown eye and green eye were both fine in their own ways.
These two best of friends had a reason to be sad; they were to be separated the next day. Eliza May was to stay in town, while Janey Sue had the ambition to see life outside of Dullerton, and was leaving on the bus the next day for Atlanta. And so when the next day did dawn cloudy and dreary, it fit their moods perfectly.
"Janey, are you sure you want to go?" Eliza May asked. "You could stay with me and we can go husband hunting together!"
"I wish I could, 'Liza, but I can't stay here all my life like you. I want to see more of the country."
"Well, then, write often! Maybe one day I can visit you," Eliza cried as she hugged her friend.
"I will," Janey tearfully said. "As long as you keep me up to date of everything that happens here."
Eliza laughed and rolled her eyes, "Like anything happens here."
"Well, write to me about how the crops are doing."
"Will do."
"Well, I better go, 'Liza. Before the bus leaves."
"Bye Janey!"
"Bye Eliza!"
And so it was that the two friends were separated. Eliza May missed her friend dreadfully, but was able to keep herself busy on the farm and searching for a husband. Unfortunately, Eliza couldn't find a suitable man to take care of her. Most of the boys she graduated with were friends, and nothing more. But on another sunny day, luck was to dawn on her.
In the old corner store, she spotted a man she didn't know. He wasn't that handsome (in fact, he had a beer belly and oily hair) but at least he was a different man from what she was used to. Always a friendly girl, she walked right up to him and started talking.
"Hello, I'm Eliza May," she smiled as she stuck out her hand. "Are you new here?"
The stranger smiled as handsomely as a man like him could and answered, "Yes, I am. My name's George Wickham. And is there a last name that goes with yours?"
"Nah. We're all related here anyway, so what's the use?"
"Related?"
"Yeah, cousins marrying cousins and junk."
"Are you married, pretty lady?"
Eliza May gave her cutest smile and replied, "Nah. There wasn't any man I wanted to marry until now."
"Really?" George leered, "Then how about you and I get hitched."
"Sure. When?"
"As soon as we can."
"Let me go home and tell my pops then. He'll set one up."
Eliza May was happy that she finally found a husband and skipped home to tell her father. He was happy to finally have her out of the house and set the wedding up a week from that day. Eliza found a white sun-dress in her closet to wear and picked some wildflowers for her bouquet while George wore one of those cheap shirts that were painted to look like a tuxedo.
And so they were married.
George and Eliza May Wickham didn't go on a honeymoon, but instead, went right to George's house, which was actually a trailer. (I think it's wise to mention here that if Eliza May were to marry any other man in the town, she would've been living in a spacious farm house on a big farm, for their town wasn't as backwards as it looks; it was just small. Eliza May actually came from a comfortable home because, if the climate was right each year, her father produced a good crop that brought in lots of profits. But, as we all figured out before Eliza May did, George Wickham was a good-for-nothing lazy bum.)
Well, the first one and a half weeks of their marriage was as blissful as it could be for this particular couple, but one day it all changed.
Eliza May had went into town to mail a letter to Janey Sue when she met some of her friends from high school. Disregarding time, she stood around talking and laughing and when she finally got back home, it was past George's dinner time. He didn't like that very much.
"Where have you been?" he snapped.
"Calm down, Georgy-pie. I was just talking with a group of friends."
"Oh, I see," George snarled. "Your friends are more important than your husband's meals."
"No they aren't! I just lost track of time! It won't happen again!"
"You're sure right it won't!" he threatened before slapping her. (He did more than slap her, but I won't get into that as children may be reading. Let's just say their marriage wasn't as good as it appeared to be.... which really wasn't that good in the first place.)
That wasn't the only time that this happened. From then on, George would try to find the littlest reason to beat her. To cover her bruises, Eliza May would wear sunglasses, make-up, and long sleeved shirts (in the middle of Summer), to make sure nobody found out what George was doing. She was afraid that if people found out, and went after George, he would just go after her more. But finally, she decided to file for a divorce.
So, she went down to the attorney's office (there was only one lawyer) and consulted with him. He recommended filing a restraining order against George, so next, Eliza May went down to the police station and filed that. Finally, she went back to her trailer while she thought George was away at the bar to pack her things. Unfortunately, he was there. And this time, she ended up in intensive care.
Since she was asking for her, Eliza May's father got in contact with Janey Sue and told her what happened. Right away, Janey caught a redeye flight from Atlanta in to the nearest city to Dullerton (which was an hour and a half away) and got to the hospital.
"Janey!" Eliza smiled as much as she can when she saw her friend. "You came!"
"Of course I did! Oh, 'Liza! Why'd you go and marry the first guy you saw?" Janey cried.
"I thought he wasn't that bad!" Eliza tearfully said. "I never thought he would beat me!"
"Why didn't you leave him?"
"I filed for divorce yesterday, and then put a restraining order on him, but when I went back to get my stuff, I told him, and he beat me."
"You shouldn't have gone back."
"I know."
"We have to think of a plan," Janey suggested.
"A plan?"
"Yes," Janey smiled wickedly. "Because George has to die for what he did to my best friend."
"Die?" Eliza May asked confusedly, for she never thought of hurting a fly. But then she thought of it twice and matched Jane's wicked smile. "Yes. George has to die."
For the next couple of weeks, while Eliza recovered, Janey Sue and she thought of a plan that nobody would ever find out.
After Eliza May was released from the hospital, she went back to her trailer, and told George she wasn't leaving him anymore. As an act of repentance, she cooked his favorite dinner, which included black-eyed peas, and even went as far as putting a special "spice" in it. At least that's how she explained the different taste the arsenic caused.
Soon, George told Eliza May he was feeling weak; that it must have been the bad allergies, so Eliza told her husband to lay down and take a nap. A half hour later, George's breathing stopped.
Opening the closet door, Eliza May told Janey Sue (who was hiding in there) that it was safe to come out with the tarp. Gleefully, the two wrapped the deceased husband of Eliza May in the tarp, tied it with a rope, and waited for the middle of the night to put him in the trunk of George's old, beat-up car.
At two in the morning, they carried the dead body (with much difficulty because he was more than a little flabby) to the driveway where they stuffed him in the back of the car. Then, Eliza May and Janey Sue decided to take a little trip to the lake.
An hour later, they arrived at the beautiful lake (which they were both sorry to pollute with the piece of garbage) and pulled the body out of the trunk. Together, they collected all their strength and heaved the body of George Wickham over the bank. They couldn't throw him all the way into lake (because of his obese structure), but they enjoyed watching the body in the tarp roll down the hill and splash into the water. As it floated away, they waved and said "Good-bye George," but not without a little laughter.
That night, they slept peacefully in the trailer, without any fear of George. The next day, Eliza May filed a missing person report, acting the part of a worried wife. The next day, the police came to search the house (in case Eliza May wasn't what she appeared to be, and happened to kill George). They searched under picture frames, in house plants, in the oven, and in anyplace else the police thought Eliza May could hide a body in. But of course, nothing was found.
As the weeks went by, Eliza May and Janey Sue kept each other company in the trailer and talked amusedly at how nobody even appeared to miss that George Wickham. But towards the end of summer, the girls got bored. They didn't know what to do with themselves. At first, Eliza May thought that she should get married again; maybe she could find identical twins and she could marry one while Janey Sue married the other. But Janey didn't like that idea. (While she was away, she realized there were much better men outside of Dullerton.)
All of a sudden, Eliza May had a good idea; Janey and her should buy some land off of Highway 109 and build a vegetable stand. The would sell Tennessee ham, strawberry jam, and other vegetables and fruits from their fathers' farms. So the girls put the plan into action, and by mid-September, they were in business.
The stand was a big success; as people drove by on the highway, they would stop by to buy something. And that wasn't the only way it was a big success. There were two other reasons.
One day, they girls were closing up shop for the night, and were bent down behind the counter, putting things away, when all of a sudden, Eliza May heard an "Excuse me" from the other side.
Standing up, she was brushing off her jeans with her hands when she looked up and gazed into the deepest brown eyes she had ever seen. The man had curly, dark brown hair and dimples when he smiled (which he was doing when he saw Eliza May. Cuz ya know, that's how these romantic stories go). He was dressed in overalls and a white t-shirt, showing tanned, strong forearms, and had a piece of straw in his mouth.
"Hi!" Eliza greeted, breathless. "How can I help you?"
"I just heard about your strawberry jam, and Chuck here and I want to buy some." So enraptured with this man, Eliza didn't even realize his companion. The friend was just slightly shorter than him, with blonde hair, blue eyes, and freckles.
Before Eliza could answer, Janey said from where she was kneeling, "'Liza, we're closed for the day. We can't sell any more."
Smiling sweetly to the gentlemen, Eliza said, "Excuse me," before bending down and hissing, "Believe me, we can."
"No we can't."
"Yes we can."
"Why can we?"
"Stand up and take a look for yourself." With that, Eliza May flipped back up and smiled back at the men (the first in particular). "By the way, I'm Eliza May."
The dark one smiled, "I'm Billy Joe Darcy."
When nothing came out of Billy's friend, Eliza May turned to see what he was preoccupied with. What she found was that Janey Sue had stood up, looked at the friend, and they had been gazing each at each other.
Billy started to laugh, which got his friend's attention. "Chuck, this is Eliza May. Eliza, this is Chuckie Bingley."
Eliza laughed, "And this is my friend, Janey Sue."
"Hi," Janey said weakly to Chuck, with him returning her greeting the same way.
"Well, we were just heading back home," Billy Joe began, "when we stopped."
"Oh, where do you live?" Eliza May asked.
"Dullerton. Chuck and I are neighbors."
"You live in Dullerton? How come I've never seen you?"
"Chuck just moved in last week, and hasn't been out much cuz he's been trying to get the house in order. I myself only moved in a few days ago."
"Well, welcome to Dullerton."
"Thank you," Billy showed Eliza May his handsome smile again. (Eliza May thought it was a very good to find a man with all his teeth, and perfectly white, too!) "Do you walk here? I don't see any car."
"Yeah, we walk on good days. Why?" Eliza May asked.
"Because if you'd like, I wouldn't mind giving you two a lift."
"Thank you," Eliza smiled. "I would like that."
A year and a half later, (with a normal dating period), Eliza May married Billy Joe in the same ceremony in which Janey Sue married Chuckie. Within that year, George's body was found in the lake, so Eliza May was officially a widow and free to marry again. Now, when they found the body, they did think that Eliza May killed him, with the help of Janey Sue, but since nobody really cared about George Wickham, nobody ever pursued any evidence against Eliza. In fact, they all praised her.
Billy turned out to be the richest man in town with the biggest house and farm, and Chuck was right behind him in the wealth. Eliza May never had any reason to kill her second husband because he never hurt a hair on her head. Eliza finally experienced the real reason why somebody should marry: love, not just because of some silly desire to have a husband. Together, Billy Joe and Eliza May added ten people to Dullerton's population, along with Chuckie's and Janey Sue's eight additions. (They wanted more, but after Janey Sue's difficult eighth birth, the doctor forbade them from having any more.)
From these incidents related on, the citizens of Dullerton delighted in telling any visitors the tale of how George had to die.
poll: who here thinks I've been listening to too much Dixie Chicks? heehee....I do, but I'm going to continue memorizing their CD's....and if you think this is bad, just wait until I start posting another story I started ;)