Chasing Fitzwilliam

    By TabbiW

    Jump to new as of July 6, 2000
    Jump to new as of August 29, 2000

    Author's note: Okay, this is my first attempt at writing Fanfic on my own. I would like to thank Teg and ColeenV. for their help in editing and their suggestions! This story is influenced by an odd dream I had the other night, plus a few additions my twisted mind has come up with along the way. Questions, comments, suggestions all welcome...now for the first installment of "Chasing Fitzwilliam" :oD

    Part I

    Posted on Sunday, 23 April 2000, at 6 : 50 p.m.

    The first shriek pierced the night only to be followed by at least a dozen more. Darcy's head shot up and his eyes widened. Running to the window he peered out into the darkness trying to catch a glimpse of anything that would give him a hint to what was going on. Then he heard a distinctive male hollering, followed by, "Get him girls!" "Come back Col. StudMuffin" "Oh Fitzwilliam, come out, come out, wherever you are!"

    "Dear God, those Dwiggies are after Richard again!" With that, he ran out of his townhouse screaming for his steward to have his carriage brought around to the front of the house.


    Quickly ducking behind the corner of a building and crouching down, Fitzwilliam held his breath as the Dwiggie mob raced past. Putting a hand to his chest, he sighed in relief, until a hand touched his shoulder.

    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, NO GO AWAY!" he yelled.

    "SHHHHHHhhhhhhh Fitzwilliam. It is I, Darcy. Follow me..." He was cut off by the sound of the Dwiggie mob turning around. They had heard their dear Colonel's screams and were now hell bent on saving him from whomever was harming him. Darcy and Fitzwilliam both turned and ran without looking back.

    Gasping for breath, Darcy and Fitzwilliam dashed around one more corner. Spotting the carriage, they surged forward and practically leapt into it. Slamming the door shut, Darcy yelled for the driver to go as quickly as possible. Their anxious faces were pressed to the glass as the carriage put distance between them and the Dwiggie mob.

    "Damn, he got away again!" ColeenV grumbled. A collective sigh came from the Dwiggie ladies(or not). This caused a severe wind shift and a funnel started to form.

    "Oh NO! It's a twister...a twister!" ColeenV gasped and ran in the other direction. The other ladies watched in horror as the tornado raced in the direction of the carriage. They began screaming and cursing at the tornado to leave their beloved Fitzwilliam alone, but to no avail. The tornado picked up the carriage and continued on it's path of destruction.

    Meanwhile, inside the carriage...

    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...." both men screamed as the carriage was spun around and about, slamming them against the inside. "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLP!"

    Suddenly the carriage came to a stop as it crashed into the earth. Darcy landed on Fitzwilliam and they both lost consciousness.

    Groaning loudly, Fitzwilliam slowly opened his eyes to look around. He moved each limb to make sure it was working properly. When there was no response from his legs he yelled, "Oh my GOD! I'm paralyzed! MY LEGS! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"

    Darcy, whose ears had been right next to Fitzwilliam's mouth, shot up, smacking his head on the carriage seat. "Damn!" Rubbing his sore head, he glared at his cousin, "What in the world are you carrying on about?"

    Almost whimpering, he said, "My legs, Darcy! I can't feel them!"

    "What? Hold on. Let me try to get up here. AAAACK!" While attempting to get up he had gotten twisted in Richard's legs and fallen back on him. "Sorry, old boy." Heaving himself up more carefully this time, he untangled himself and sat beside Fitzwilliam in the overturned carriage.

    Suddenly Fitzwilliam's legs started tingling, mild at first, then more painful. Grabbing Darcy's hand, he wailed loudly, "It huuuuurts Darcy! Make it stop!"

    "Good God, man what would you have me do? Kiss it and make it better? They have only fallen asleep and will be fine in a moment or two." Yanking his hand from Fitzwilliam's, Darcy spilled out the side of the carriage. Seeing no sign of his driver, no sign of any life form for that matter, he stuck his head back in. "Do you think can you walk yet?

    There was an indignant gasp. "You are so unfeeling! You ask me if I can walk when it feels as if a thousand needles are being stabbed into my legs! You don't know what I suffer!" he sniffled pathetically.

    Darcy rolled his eyes. Good Lord he sounds like Mrs. Bennet He stood up to look at the strange surroundings. Eyeing the orange trees, he instantly thought of Caroline Bingley. His own complexion turned green and he shuddered. Taking in a wider view, he noticed a violet sky, yellow dirt, and red grass.

    Squinting eyes thoughtfully, he nodded to himself. "Yes indeed, I must be dreaming. Nothing so horrid could really exist."

    Fitzwilliam, finally regaining his wits, crawled out of the carriage. "Good Lord, am I seeing things? Maybe that knock to the head affected my brain."

    They looked at each other noticing what the other was wearing for the first time. Both wore Ralph Lauren suits and Teletubby backpacks (not that they knew this, all they noticed was the strange clothing.)

    "What on earth are you wearing, Darcy?"

    "ME? What are you wearing?" at this they both looked at themselves, realizing they wore similar clothing, except Darcy had Po on his back, and Fitzwilliam had Tinky Winky.

    A noise came from the other side of the carriage. They jumped at the sound and turned around expecting to be attacked. Instead they were surrounded by a gang of miniature humans. One stepped forward to greet them.

    "Welcome to Oz! My name is Minime, and these are all my brethren, the Munchkins." Greetings were exchanged, then Minime said, "Are you two alright? We saw your carriage hit the ground and came as fast as we could."

    Even as confused as he was, politeness made Darcy answer, "Yes we are quite alright. We are just wondering though, how did we get here? Surely this is a dream?"

    "Oh no, sir! You are in Oz, a sort of 'parallel universe' of your own world." He sighed "We seem to have the luck of receiving many strange guests whenever a "twister" as you call it, goes through your world. In fact, a small girl by the name of Dorothy set off not more than 20 minutes ago. It is our job to help you get back to your world."

    Not quite believing it, Fitzwilliam asked, "And how do you do that?"

    "Well, actually, we don't really do anything. You see over there..." Minime pointed to two roads, one yellow brick, the other blue. The men nodded. "Well you have your choice to take either one. The yellow one will take you to the Wizard of Oz who will help you get home. The blue one gets you home without his help, but it takes you through portals of other worlds before returning you back to your own."

    "I see," said Darcy. Just then a shriek was heard. The two gentlemen looked at each other in fear. Dear God, the Dwiggie ladies couldn't have followed them here!

    "You must hurry!" cried Minime. "Col. Fitzwilliam's reputation has reached far and wide. Hurry, GO! Before the Munchkin ladies are upon us." Minime and the other Munchkin men hurried back toward the village to thwart the women.

    Not thinking twice, Darcy and Fitzwilliam ran like the devil himself were after them. Five minutes later, still running, Darcy glanced behind him to see if anyone was following. His moment of inattention caused him to trip over something and he fell flat on his face with a loud grunt. Gasping for breath, he lay still for a moment, until Fitzwilliam made his way back since he had just noticed Darcy was not still with him.

    "Are you alright Darcy?"

    Grumbling, Darcy picked himself up, "What the heck did I trip on?" Looking down, he noticed a fork lying on the ground. "A fork?"

    "How odd! Now why would there be a fork in the road?" Shrugging, Fitzwilliam put the fork in his backpack. "Hmm it seems we have taken the blue brick road, I was hoping for the yellow brick road myself."

    "We can go back..." Darcy's voice trailed off as he heard female screams coming from behind. "Maybe not...RUN FITZWILLIAM!"

    Fifteen minutes later found both gentlemen resting under a fluorescent orange tree with olive colored fruit. As hungry as he was, Darcy's stomach revolted at the thought of eating one.

    "Darcy?"

    "Yes, Fitzwilliam?"

    "How many different 'worlds' do you think we will have to go through to get back to London?"

    "I really don't know Fitzwilliam. But once we get back, I'm going straight to Longbourn and proposing to Elizabeth!" Darcy said triumphantly while Richard looked at him oddly.

    "What does this have to do with Miss Bennet?"

    "Well...I don't know, but I'm proposing anyway!" He said stubbornly.

    "Ok," Fitzwilliam looked thoughtful. "Well...do you suppose we should get going then?"

    "Well of course! What are you sitting about for? We must get back to my love!" With that he marched off.


    Conversation was nonexistent as the gentlemen trudged along the blue brick road. Darcy was lost in his thoughts about his beloved Elizabeth, while Fitzwilliam thought of a nice warm fire and some brandy. Their minds were thus occupied, when Darcy unexpectedly stopped, causing Fitzwilliam to slam into his back.

    "AAAAAH!" They both fell to the ground with a thud.

    "Good God, Darcy whatever did you do that for?"

    Sniffing the air, Darcy exclaimed, "You mean you can not smell that rancid odor?"

    Fitzwilliam inhaled deeply, making a face. "Well now that you mention it, yes. You know, it sort of stinks like rotting ham!"

    "Rotting ham? How in the world do you know what rotting ham smells like Fitzwilliam?"

    Looking confused, he shrugged, "You know...I really don't know. But perhaps that sign saying 'Forest of Rottingham' has something to do with it?"

    "Hmmm, could be," Digging through his backpack, and finding two clothes pins, Darcy handed one to Fitzwilliam. They both applied them to their noses and entered the Forest of Rottingham.

    Gaping in astonishment, they noticed various kinds of pork products hanging from tree branches. Some were fresh, but most were black, green, and white from decaying. Wrinkling their noses in disgust, the gentlemen picked up their pace.

    Soon they came across a footbridge. There was a knight standing at the beginning with a somber expression upon his face.

    "Excuse me, sir," Darcy began, "but could you point us towards London, England?"

    Not answering the question, the knight stepped forward and pulled out his sword. "To cross the bridge, you must fight and win."

    With that he plunged his weapon forward. Fitzwilliam and Darcy, unarmed except for the Teletubby backpacks, ran in the opposite direction. The knight chased them, and soon they were running in circles.

    "Fitzwilliam, we shall be at this all day until one or all of us tire...I say we make for the bridge next time around!" Darcy yelled.

    "Right! I'm behind you."

    The next time they circled around, Darcy and Fitzwilliam sprinted for the bridge and crossed it hurriedly. Looking back, they were amazed to see the knight still running in circles.

    "Very strange, that one." Fitzwilliam observed.

    "Yes quite, but let's be on our way before he notices we are gone."

    They set out once again in search of England. A few twists, turns, and complaints later, they came into a clearing. Spotting a pear tree, Darcy yelled, "YAHOO!"

    "Damn! That reminds me I haven't checked my stocks or e-mail yet today. I hope we get back to London soon!"

    Darcy looked at him curiously before heading off to the tree. Gazing up he realized Fitzwilliam would have to boost him up to get some of the fruit. "Fitzwilliam...FITZWILLIAM!"

    "Huh? Wha?" Fitzwilliam stared dumbfounded for a moment before walking towards Darcy. "What is it?"

    "A pear tree, what does it look like? Now help me up so I can get some! I'm starving!" Using his cousin for a stool, Darcy climbed on his back and dropped a few fruit, smacking Fitzwilliam in the head.

    "HEY! Watch it Darcy! My brains will be completely useless with all the beatings it has taken already!"

    "Who ever said it was useful before? AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH." Darcy slammed to the earth, knocking the wind out of him, as Fitzwilliam stood up.

    "Oh yeah? Well at least I have brains enough not to insult the woman I love then propose!" Fitzwilliam snorted decisively, grabbed a pear and sat under the tree.

    Staring in astonishment, Darcy asked, "What do you know of Miss Bennet and I?"

    Rolling his eyes, Fitzwilliam scoffed, "Well for crying out loud Darcy! Haven't you ever read Pride and Prejudice? If you had, then you would have known the mistakes not to make!"

    "Pride and Prejudice? I have never heard of such a book. Who writes it?"

    "Jane Austen, one of the most beloved authoresses of all times. And I might add, that you are missing out on great literature."

    "Hmmm..." Darcy's thoughts wandered off as he munched on a pear. Suddenly a scream split the air. "What was that?"

    Looking around warily, Fitzwilliam answered. "I don't know. I don't think I care to know. Let's just get going, Darcy."

    "Nonsense! It sounded like a woman! We must go help her."

    "Dear God, Darcy! Women are the reason we are here in the first place! Now you want to save one? ARE YOU MAD?" Fitzwilliam screamed after Darcy's departing figure. "AAAARGH!" He stormed off after Darcy with a scowl on his face.

    Five minutes later, Darcy came upon a lady hanging from a tree in a net trap. Looking at her oddly, Darcy asked, "Miss, what are you doing up there?"

    Snorting, the lady remarked sarcastically, "Oh it's just a hobby of mine to hang about in trees all day. It's a great way to air oneself out you know."

    Not sure what to think, Darcy continued to stare as Fitzwilliam finally caught up to him. "Now what is going on?"

    The woman's face changed dramatically upon spying Col. Fitzwilliam. Almost purring, she said, "Oh! I was walking along innocently when all of a sudden, I stepped upon this nasty trap and now here I am, stuck without a way to get down...until you came along that is."

    Fitzwilliam's eyebrows shot up as he noticed the look he was giving him. "Uhh, Darcy, perhaps we should go find someone else who can help her..."

    "Oh come on, Fitzwilliam! She is just one lady, not like the Dwiggie Clan, what harm can she do?" And with that, Darcy proceeded to get the lady down.

    Fitzwilliam stared pensively at the lady until Darcy's grunting caught his attention. Stepping forward, he began to help Darcy get the lady down.

    Moments later, the lady was on the ground and staring moonily at Col. Fitzwilliam. "Oh, thank you gentlemen! I don't know what i would have done if you hadn't come along!" She put her hand to Fitzwilliam's chest and fluttered her eyes. Darcy chuckled at his cousin's unease. "I was sooo frightened." She clung to his arm, and had practically wrapped herself around him when a shout was heard from a few yards away.

    Looking up, Fitzwilliam gasped, "Darcy! It's men in tights! What kind of world is this?"

    "Unhand her you fiend! How dare you touch the Maid Marion!" One of the men in tights walked forward threateningly.

    Eyes widening, Fitzwilliam picked up Maid Marion, tossed her to the fellow, screaming, "TAKE HER AWAY CALGON!" He fled through the forest as fast as he could, Darcy trailing behind.

    Part II

    Posted on Saturday, 29 April 2000, at 6 : 56 p.m.

    Out of breath and exhausted, Darcy and Fitzwilliam leaned against a tree wearily. Only the sounds of their panting and wheezing could be heard in the silent forest. Opening his eyes slightly, Fitzwilliam noticed that the blue brick road was nowhere in sight and groaned aloud.

    "What is it Fitzwilliam?"

    "The brick road...we lost it!"

    "What?" Opening his own eyes, Darcy stared in horror. "Oh my! Now how are we going to get out of this wretched place?"

    Fitzwilliam's eyes grew round as he felt something crawling upon his leg. Looking down he noticed a small blue thing climbing his leg. "AAAAAAAHHH!" He kicked his leg wildly sending the creature somersaulting through the air, and finally splatting against a tree a few yards away. Then he heard high pitched screaming and looked down to see hundreds of the blue things running around chaotically. "What in the...?"

    Suddenly a scrawny, rather battered, man came stomping along, "FEE FI FO FUM! I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISHMAN!" Darcy and Fitzwilliam backed against the tree unsure what to think.

    Suddenly more screaming issued from the little blue things. "PAPA SMURF! PAPA SMURF! IT'S GARGAMEL!" The screeching brought all three men to their knees, wailing in agony for it to stop. Realizing their power over the humans, the smurfs continued shrieking until they could gather up enough rope to bind them.

    Ten minutes later, incapacitated and whimpering from the assault on their hearing, Darcy, Fitzwilliam, and Gargamel were being drug away to the smurf village.

    "I'm never gonna see my dearest, loveliest Elizabeth again!" Darcy wailed.

    "Get a hold of yourself, man! We must think of something!" Fitzwilliam hissed.

    They came to a stop and looked around, noticing mushrooms carved into little huts. Upon closer observation, Fitzwilliam noticed there were all male smurfs, he had yet to see one female. He breathed a sigh of relief. Even as small as they were he didn't want to risk coming against a smurfette. The smurfs starting singing as they skipped about the village..."La La La La La Laaaaaa....La la la la la." The gentlemen writhed in anguish, begging for an end. A shrill scream brought a stop to all sound and movement.

    "NO! What are you doing?" cried Smurfette. She ran over to Col. Fitzwilliam with a worried expression. "They didn't hurt you did they? Those horrid beast! Please say that you are ok, my love!"

    Looking at Darcy in disbelief, Fitzwilliam turned back to Smurfette and nodded warily. Smiling beautifully, she wrapped her arms around Fitzy's nose. "Oh good!" Then turning to the others, started ordering militantly, "UNTIE THEM AT ONCE! YOU...GET OVER HERE AND SEE TO HIS CHAFED WRISTS! Don't you worry darling, we'll have you fixed up in no time!" Winking slyly, Smurfette patted his cheek and flounced off to her hut.

    Some time later...

    Darcy stood up and stretched, working out the kinks in his body. He looked at his cousin and shook his head. Wherever Fitzwilliam went, flocks of ladies followed. Darcy didn't know why, but he certainly wouldn't want the same curse. Then again, having so many admirers had gotten them out of at least one bind. He wondered briefly what had been done to that Gargamel chap, but didn't bother to ask. The screams he had heard left enough to the imagination. Sighing, he walked over to where Fitzwilliam was telling military stories to his apt listeners.

    Tapping Fitzwilliam's shoulder, he leaned down, "We must get going soon. It is getting dark here and I would like to find a place to sleep."

    Nodding, Fitzwilliam stood, giving his thanks for their kindness, and apologies at the abrupt departure. "Wait, hold on one moment!" Papa Smurf ran into his hut and emerged moments later with small packages in hand. "It is not much, but there is some food for the both of you on your journey. Good luck finding your way!" Another round of thanks, and the gentlemen were on their way.


    "The voyage, - that had been long and hard,
    But that had yielded full reward,
    And bought each sailor to his friend
    Happy and rich - was at an end:
    When Jack, his toils and perils o'er,
    Beheld his Nancy on the shore:
    He then the 'bacco box display'd,
    And cried, and seized the yielding maid,
    If you loves I.... as I loves you,
    No pair so happy as we two." *

    Fitzwilliam's voice faded out at the end of the song, leaving silence once again. Darcy and he had found a good spot to sleep for the night, but even as tired as they were, could not sleep. Just then the sound of sniffling caught Fitzwilliam's attention. Brows furrowed, he looked at his cousin curiously. "I say, Darcy are you quite alright?"

    Silence, then a sniffle, and Darcy spoke, "Yes, I am fine. That was just a very beautiful song. Got me all choked up." He rummaged through Po, found some Kleenex and blew his nose. HONK "Well, I'm going to attempt sleeping, Fitzwilliam. Good night." With that he found a soft patch of grass, put Po under his head and was soon sawing logs. Fitzwilliam joined him minutes later and the combined racket scared away any would-be attackers...man or beast.

    *The Token-Charles Dibdin


    Darcy sat up with a start and looked around him. DAMN! It wasn't a dream! Flopping back to the ground he yawned and stretched. It was going to be a long day...or days, who knew. His thoughts were interrupted as Fitzwilliam rolled over and smacked him in the face with his arm.

    "Hey! Watch it, man. Don't ruin the merchandise." Darcy grumbled.

    Staring at Darcy through squinted eyes, Fitzwilliam mumbled incoherently and started snoring again. Rolling his eyes, Darcy stood up and walked to the nearby river to splash his face. Not paying attention to his footing on the slippery rocks, Darcy plummeted into the water. SPLASH He came up gasping and choking, arms flailing about wildly. Luckily the water was shallow enough that the current wasn't very strong. Swimming toward the riverside, Darcy pulled himself out. His damp shirt clung to his skin outlining every muscle. If there had been one female Dwiggie around to witness, I am sure they would have appreciated the sight.

    A rustling in the bushes startled Darcy and he scrambled to his feet just in time to see a young man emerge from the bushes. He was wearing tights like the fellows they had crossed earlier. Sighing in relief, Darcy relaxed. He had thought the Dwiggie ladies had found them and were about to converge on them.

    "Oh! Hello good man! Who might you be? I am Robin Hood!"

    "Fitzwilliam Darcy...you are English?"

    "Yes."

    Darcy whooped with delight! "Then we are in England now?!"

    "Well, no. This is an alternative universe. Similar in some things, very different in others." Darcy looked confused at this answer. "Let me guess, you have come by way of tornado and are now traveling to get back to your world?" At Darcy's nod, he continued. "Yes, that happens quite often. I have always been curious about the other worlds....say, would you mind if I accompany you fellows on your journey?"

    "Well..." Darcy began but was interrupted by Fitzwilliam's answer.

    "Of course you can join us! We should be glad for another's company, eh Darcy?" Darcy gave a reluctant nod.

    They were soon packed up and Robin Hood lead the way back to the camp. One of the men in tights stood up upon seeing Col. Fitzwilliam and shouted. "It's him! The one who had Maid Marion earlier!" Fitzwilliam's eyes rounded at the accusation.

    "Ah Phooey! Let him have her! I'm sick of being stuck with the brainless twit anyway." With that, Robin Hood, saddled up his horse, grabbed two others and handed them over to his new traveling buddies. "OK, are you gentlemen ready?" They mounted their horses and prepared to set off when a shout was heard from the men in tights.

    "Hey, where you goin, Robin? Who's gonna lead us now?" one of the men yelled.

    "Hold on." Robin whipped out a ballpoint and scribbled something hurriedly. "Here. Ask around for this man. He can help you, I am sure."

    "Kevin Costner? Who is he?"

    "A uh...Another Robin Hood. And much better suited to Maid Marion, I think. Yes, find him and all will be well, I assure you. Now gentlemen, we're off to find the blue brick road." He spurred his horse and galloped away with Darcy and Fitzwilliam.


    Three miles behind Darcy, Fitzwilliam, and Carey Elwes...

    "I don't see signs of them anywhere. Do you think we should have taken the yellow brick road instead?" Suz asked.

    "No, the little munchkin guy said he came down this road...and after General ColeenV. hung him by his toes, I am sure he wouldn't lie for fear of us coming after him again." Vals replied, while General ColeenV grinned proudly.

    "Well, we needed to find out what way they went, and The Munchkins weren't exactly forthcoming with information." Gen. Coleen said defensively.

    "I agree with you, but what's important now is finding out exactly where they are. At the rate we're going we might never catch up with them." Grumblings were heard throughout the group at Leah's observation. "Hey wait! Coleen, you're TabbiW's friend, don't you know where they are right now?"

    "Actually, no. She is keeping the story well hidden from me since I have a role in it. However...HEY! HEY WOMAN! TABBI!" Gen. Coleen yelled.

    "What? What is it, Coleen?"

    "Well you're the authoress, right? So whatever you write happens! Think you could come up with some dirt bikes or something?" Loud cheering issued from the group.

    scribble...scribble

    "There you go, also added some other things as well."

    Sixteen dirt bikes and helmets appeared before the group of women, along with compasses, flare guns, walkie talkies, hiking gear.. "WOOOHOOOOOO!" Gen. Coleen yelled and began passing out one item to each Dwiggie. "Thanks! Now do you think you could give us a hand in finding them?" The other ladies mounted their bikes and waited.

    "Oh ALRIGHT! Geez, hmmmm, ok they're about 3 miles ahead of you right now."

    The engines roared to life, and the Dwiggies set off after their heroes.

    Part III

    Posted on Wednesday, 10 May 2000, at 9 : 55 p.m.

    "...and then all of a sudden, this tornado comes after us and picks up the carriage. When we came to, we were in Oz. Unfortunately, the Munchkin ladies decided to come after us and we had run down the blue brick road instead of the yellow one. So now we are stuck taking this route home." Fitzwilliam finished reciting his story for Robin Hood.

    With eyebrows raised, Robin Hood replied, "Well then it is a good thing we have horses to outrun them should they follow. I don't think they'll be able to catch up to us..." A slight rumbling noise was heard from behind them. "What is that?"

    All three gentlemen pulled their horses to a stop and looked behind them. Suddenly a dirt bike flew through the air as the first Dwiggie hit an incline. "WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!" The startled horses pranced skittishly. Fifteen more dirt bikes followed close behind, racing toward their goal.

    "RUN FOR IT!" Darcy yelled, urging his horse into a gallop with the other two right behind him.

    "There they are!" Kimmie pointed out. "Let's get 'em girls! YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAWWWWWW!"

    A wild chase insued with the dirt bikes hard on the rider's heels. "You won't get away this time Darcy and Fitzwilliam!" ErinH shouted.

    "Hey! That's Carey Elwes! I have first dibs!" Shemmelle screamed, speeding up.

    The Dwiggie mob was hot on the gentlemen's heels as they chased them through the forest, dodging trees and whooping loudly. Robin Hood led them through rough terrain and the Dwiggies had problems keeping up and eventually started losing ground. At one point they lost sight of the gentlemen as they had to get off their bikes and walk them through thick brush.

    "Awww man, we've lost em again!" Tiki moaned. "We were so close!"

    They came to an open clearing a few minutes later and spotted Darcy, Fitzwilliam, and Carey Elwes staring at something. They approached quietly to see them looking down into a deep ravine that their horses hadn't been able to jump. They exchanged triumphant grins as one of them cleared their throats. The men whirled around with eyes widened.

    "Oh no! They've got us Darcy! Now what do we do?" Carey asked.

    "Well how should I know?" Darcy shrieked. Galloping came from behind and a troop of men in tights emerged moments later.

    "Yo! Robin Hood! We looked up that guy Kevin Cotsnort...or whateverhisnameis, and there is no way he could be a halfway decent Robin Hood! For one he is bloody American! What moron thought that one up? Not to mention he's bossy as all get out! No way man, I refuse to do it! You have to come back!" Cheers of agreement went up through the ranks.

    "Oh no, you don't! We found em first, so you can't have him back!" Suz protested stubbornly.

    Instant arguing insued from the ladies and men in tights as they stood nose to nose, debating on who Robin Hood belonged to. Neither party noticed the gentlemen sneaking away until Tanisha yelled. "HEY! THEY GOT AWAY! AGAIN!" More arguing over who's fault it was until Tanisha finally rolled her eyes. Grabbing a whistle out of her bag she blew it as loud as she could, startling everyone into silence. "COME ON LADIES! We have to find them again!"

    Everyone stormed out of their leaving the men in tights standing there still unable to hear anything as the whistle had shattered more than one ear drum.

    After half an hour of fruitless searching, the ladies converged under a tree to get something to eat and drink. Not much talking was done as everyone was tired from the chase and wondering which direction the men took off in. Gen. Coleen spoke up, surprising everyone into jumping at the sound of her voice.

    "Oh, sorry. I have a plan. We should split up into groups of five to look for them. If any of us spot them then we can communicate by walkie talkies," she proposed. Everyone was in agreement and soon there were four groups with five people a piece. Alpha group consisted of Kimmie, Leah, Vals, Suz, and ErinH. Beta group was Alice, Katy Ann, Janey Mac, and Jess Rig. Delta group was Caroline, Melissa, Andrea, Lara Aine, and Josie. And Kappa groups was Gen. Coleen, JessLee, Shemmelle, Tiki, Tanisha, and Meghan. After checking all equipment to make sure it worked the groups split in different directions.


    Beyond Rottingham Forest

    "I am so glad to be out of that stinking forest!" Carey muttered.

    "I second that!" Fitzwilliam said. "But one thing, one of the ladies yelled a name....Carey Elwes. Who is that?"

    Carey cleared his throat. "Well actually that is my real name. Robin Hood is just an assumed name. I fear I may have attracted a few more of the Dwiggies apparently. Now they are not only chasing after you two gentlemen but myself as well."

    "WHAT? Oh that's great...that is just great!" Darcy complained. "Now I have to save both of your butts from those ladies, it wasn't bad enough that I had to help Fitzwilliamm here, but now a total stranger..." his rant continued for a few more miles. The other two hardly noticed as they had tuned him out long ago, lost in their own thoughts. They came upon a deep ravine, but it wasn't very wide.

    "We shall have to jump it with our horses." Carey said. "I do not know how close behind those ladies are but I would like to keep the distances fair." The gentlemen spurred their horses and leaped over the ravine easily. They rode on in silence as not to attract the attention of any lurking Dwiggies.


    All five groups had reached the ravine at the same time and stood staring at it in wonder.

    "How are we going to get over that?" Melissa wonder aloud.

    "Hmmmm, personally I would like something that flies!" cried Kimmie. "Hey Gen. Coleen, can't you have Tabbi write us in some air crafts or something?"

    "Hold on," Gen. Coleen picks up her com link that Tabbi had given her. "Hey Tabbi! We have a problem here! We're stuck at a ravine....as I am sure you know. Can ya give us some air crafts or something?"

    "Do I look like Donald Trump to you? I could barely afford the dirt bikes on my budget! Give me a minute, I'll see what I can find"

    Everyone stood around, tapping their feet impatiently or chowing on food. A noise came from somewhere behind the group and they turned around to see what it was. A BMW pulled up with Pierce Brosnan in the drivers seat, he flashed them an arrogant smile.

    "Hello ladies! The name is Bond, James Bo....Aaaaaaaaaaaah!" He hollared as Gen. Coleen picked him up and tossed him out of the car.

    "Yeah yeah, whatever! Come on Kappa group, let's go!" They all jumped in and were off in a flash while the others stared in amazement.

    "HEY WHAT ABOUT US?" The rest yelled.

    "Hold on...hold on! I'm workin' on it!

    Suddenly three more BMW's appeared before the group of women.

    "PLEASE be careful with those, Q has let me borrow them for now but if I wreck them I pay for them."

    Everyone piled into their cars and promised to take excellent care of them.

    *looking into the audience*

    "Why do I have a bad feeling about this?"

    *sighs and watches them disappear into the distance*

    Part IV

    Posted on Sunday, 14 May 2000, at 7 : 35 p.m.

    Soon all four groups of ladies were zooming around the woods at high speeds looking for their get-away men. After so many close-calls and fumbling disappointments, more than one lady was in a sour mood and ready to make someone pay.....namely the Noble Authoress, who has changed her name and identity.

    "Where in the world are we?" Katy Ann in exasperation. "And how are we going to find them?"

    "I have no idea, we must be out of Rottingham though. I haven't smelled rancid pork in a while." said Alice. Caroline was zooming around trees at lightening speed, which made the Noble Authoress cringe.

    "Maybe I should have just gotten them the hover-skateboards from Back to the Future!"

    A scream split the air which made Caroline slam on the air brakes and everyone pitched forward.

    "Hey! Where'd you learn how to drive anyway?" JessRig hollered.

    "Shh, I heard a scream," they were all silent, listening for the slightest sound.

    Another scream, followed by another, and then silence. They looked at each other worriedly. Caroline set off in the direction of the scream, hoping everything was alright. Apparently everyone had heard the screaming and had come to investigate. Had they known the cause, I am sure the ladies would have driven in the other direction. For there was Darcy, Fitzwilliam, and Elwes using the blob, otherwise known as COLLINS, as a shield against the cowering Dwiggie ladies.

    "STAND BACK I SAY! Or I'll let the greaseball go!" Darcy threatened.

    The ladies glanced amongst one another but no one was brave enough to take on The Blob. And then.....IT spoke, sending the women into a fit of misery.

    "My good people, what ever is happening? I was approached by a gentleman by the name of Chris who told me that a number of women were chasing after you! This type of behavior is hardly becoming of a lady, and I am sure that my noble Patroness the Right Honourable Lady Catherine DeBourgh would agree with me on this matter...blah blah blah."

    Lines of pain were etched into the faces of all the women as The Blob kept rambling and they watched helplessly as Darcy, Fitzwilliam, and Elwes made their escape. Suddenly Meghan snapped her fingers as a light bulb popped on over her head. She stuffed two cotton balls in her ears and ran off leaving the other ladies in their torment. She returned a few moments later followed by an oddly familiar figure.

    "Oh, Mr. Collins! Lady Catherine De Bourgh would like to speak to you!" Meghan yelled.

    The greasy man stopped mid-sentence as an awe-filled expression spread across his sweaty flushed face. His rasping was the only sound until Lady Catherine spoke up. Being the moron that he is, he didn't notice that Lady Catherine was actually a droid dressed exactly like her and reprogrammed by Meghan.

    "Well! Come along you little toad, I must speak to you about the shades of Rosings! They are quite polluted you know!" And with that she marched off in a snit.

    All the Dwiggies snapped out of their trance to see the toad start lumbering after Lady C. However, he was so large that his stomping caused the ground to start shaking and earth split open. All the Dwiggie ladies fell into the crevice, their yelling fading as they plummeted further below the earth. Darcy, Fitzwilliam, and Elwes, who hadn't gotten far, were also caught up in the shaking and plunged downward as the ground cracked beneath them.

    Everyone hit the underworld with thuds, splats, oofs, and grunts. The fall left them incapacitated, which is probably why they didn't immediately notice the flock of plastic blonde bimbos that surrounded them. Rubbing her head, Lara Aine sat up quickly and swallowed a scream. She poked a few of the girls around her to catch their attention. Soon everyone was sitting up and looking in horror at the Barbie girls that had encircled them.

    Gen. Coleen had the worst reaction of all. Hissing and crossing her fingers at the hideous beast, she tried to scare them off with her incessant shrieking, but to no avail. Forty pairs of blue eyes stared at them in wonder.

    "Hi, my name is Malibu Barbie!" Squeaked one.

    "And I'm rock stair Barbie." Said another, noisily chewing her gum.

    "And I'm Princess Barbie...teehee!" Every Barbie girl introduced themselves as the Dwiggies tried to think of a way to get out of there.

    "We really are in hell now!" grumbled Gen. Coleen.

    Everyone stood up and looked over the sea of blonde heads to see the three gentlemen laying still on the ground. Shouts of despair went up as they pushed their way through plastic limbs, accidentally knocking off arms and legs here and there, in the rush to save their beloveds. Reaching the unconscious gentlemen, all of them bent down to determine if they were alive or not. Fitzwilliam sat up abruptly, to see the Dwiggie mob and the Bimbo Barbies all staring at him in concern. He gulped fearfully as they advanced closer. Unsure of what to do, he screamed shrilly and passed out, leaving more than one lady shocked at his outburst. The more feminist of the group was later said to be laughing hysterically at the feminine side of Fitzwilliam.

    Moaning slightly, Elwes sat up and looked around. He slapped a hand over his mouth to stop himself from retching. Everything was in pink...pink walls, pink carpet, all the furniture was varying shades of pink. Even the fruit on the table was pink. Shuddering, he looked around, wondering what had happened and noticing the other two gentlemen sprawled out on a couch and futon...both pink. Crawling over as quietly as he could, he shook the other two awake, motioning them to be quiet. All three men got on the floor and began crawling towards the door, anxious for escape. Their eyes bulged as they heard laughter outside the door. The entire Kappa Group slammed into the Barbie house wiping tears from their eyes, not yet noticing the renegade escapees.

    "HAHAHA! Did you see that one Barbie girl go flying through the air when Gen. Coleen put her in the catapult!" Bursts of laughter followed Tanisha's statement. "Wonderful idea! I've never laughed so hard in my life!"

    "Yeah and that other Barbie...I think it was Rock Star Barbie. When we threw the guitar amp into the water! AHAHAHAHAAAAA Roasted Barbie! Barbie on the grill!" Hoots of laughter and guffaws filled the room. "And chasing those Barbies down the street with the flame thrower was HIL-AR-I-OUS! AAAHHAAAAHAAAAA!" It took several moments before everyone was calm enough to talk again.

    Tiki glanced toward the sofas to see the gentlemen gone, then noticed them on the floor, staring at them with in terror. "Now what in the samhell are you doing down there?" she asked.

    "Uh..n..n..nothing!" stuttered Darcy. "We...uh..we were...uh...looking for one of Elwes contacts! Yes, that's it!"

    "Oh, yes!" Elwes agreed with a nervous laugh. "Oh look! I found it!" He hastily shoved his finger toward his eye and immediately yowled in pian.

    The entire Kapa grouped eyed them with DisBelief(who was visiting from Spain on a college program) as the gentlemen stood up.

    "Well, if you gentlemen are hungry, we can get you something." Offered Meghan. After nodding, the gentlemen were escorted to the kitchen where the ladies dug through the cupboards searching for food. "OOoooooooh! Look what I found!" Meghan pulled out chocolate chip cookies, oreos, twizzlers, and some raisenettes.

    "Ooooh! Raisenettes!" Gen. Coleen grabbed the bag and started eating like a pig, complete with the slobbering and snorting.

    The rest of the ladies raised eyebrows but went back to searching for more food. They finally found a cheesecake, some soda, and water in the refrigerator. They went to the dining room where the rest of the Dwiggie mob had congregated. Everyone was snacking on Little Debbies, except Kimmie, who was swinging from the chandelier screeching like a chimpanzee. Darcy, Fitzwilliam, and Elwes were a little put off by this display of insanity but since they were surrounded there was very little they could do.

    Sitting down, they ate quietly, while all twenty ladies stared at one or more of the gentlemen with a lusty gleam in their eyes. They exchanged nervous glances while the ladies grinned with obvious delight at having finally captured them.

    "So...uh...ehem..Where are we?" Darcy asked.

    "Barbie Hell." Gen. Coleen answered.

    "Barbie Hell? What is that? And who's house is this?" asked Elwes.

    "Barbie...a superficial idol created by man that sets unobtainable standards for all women everywhere. It is an act of subconscious control over women's identity, self-respect, and honor. Furthermore..."

    "Oh, Coleen! I am sure your preachings on the degradation of females everywhere by the creation of Barbie are interesting. However, I do not think this story is long enough to include it all."

    "Well, fine then, Tabbi!" Gen. Coleen walks off in a snitt, leaving the rest to explain their whereabouts.

    The other ladies shrugged and went on to relate what had happened after The Collins had departed.

    "...and this house I think belonged to Ballerina Barbie. That is until Gen. Coleen took it by storm and used her for kindling." Josie finished. Snickers came from the audience...which the still hungry Dwiggie ladies ate gratefully.

    "Uh huh...." Fitzwilliam remarked. "So, how do we get out of here then?"

    "Well, actually we don't know. We were waiting for you three to come to, then we were going to check this place out, and see if we could find an exit or something." said Andrea. "But then again, since we already have you three here....we really see no reason to be in a hurry!" She said this with a sly grin.

    The other eighteen ladies in the room cackled evilly as the gentlemen were overcome with an odd feeling of doom.

    Author's note: I know there was very little in this part that was related to Star Wars, but don't worry, more to come! After all...we aren't done "Chasing Fitzwilliam"! So for those of you who are getting overconfident by the capture of said gentlemen....It ain't ova' till the fat lady sings! MUAAHAAHAAAAAA!

    Part V

    Posted on Thursday, 18 May 2000, at 8 : 30 p.m.

    When it started to get dark, the Dwiggies decided to take turns during the night to keep watch over the gentlemen. The Alpha Groups had first watch, and were gazing lovingly at their treasures, who were tied up inside the house. In the meantime, Gen. Coleen had found some amusement of her own.....Roasting Barbies on an open fire, one of her many favorite hobbies.

    "Alright Ladies! Bring those arms and legs over here! Shem, JaneyMac, Alice....dump your load on that side. ErinH, KatyAnn, Josie....throw yours there! Ooh yeah! BURN BABY BURN!" Gen. Coleen shouted happily as the ladies tossed Barbie appendages into the flames of their bonfire.

    "HEY!!! LOOK WHAT I FOUND!" yelled JessRig as she slammed out of the house, holding up a bag of marshmallows, some graham crackers and Hershey's chocolate bars. "Now we can have S'mores!" The entire gang cheered and happily set to work making them, too preoccupied to notice the sudden disappearance of Gen. Coleen from the party. At the same moment a shout was heard from inside the house and the entire Alpha Group came running outside.

    "What is going on?" JaneyMac asked.

    "They're gone!!"

    "WHAT?" the entire group of ladies shrieked and ran into the house. The only thing that remained were the ropes that had bound them together. "How did this happen? We thought you were suppose to be watching them!" Tanisha accused.

    "We were watching them! They disappeared before our very eyes! One minute we were staring at them, the next...POOF...gone!!!" Vals said almost hysterically.

    "GEN. COLEEN! Where is she? Maybe she knows what is going on!" JessRig suggested, and they began a search for the General, but she was nowhere to be found. "Well, what about Tabbi? Maybe we can ask her where Coleen went off to. She is after all the Authoress."

    "Oh Tabbi!!!! TABBI! Are you there?" Kimmie yelled but all was strangely silent. "Hmmm, where can they be?"

    "You don't think they took Darcy, Fitzwilliam, and Elwes for themselves do you?" JessLee thought outloud.

    "No! They wouldn't have!" protested Lara Aine weakly. "...would they?"

    Sudden shouting and chaos errupted from the group as they came to the conclusion that the Authoress and General had taken off with the men and left them stranded in Barbie Hell. Suddenly Kimmie, Vals, Andrea, Caroline, JessLee, Tiki, and Tanisha all disappeared from the group, leaving the others in silence.

    "WHAT IS GOING........." Alice popped out of sight before she could finish the sentence.

    Everyone huddled together unsure what was going on or who would be next. Suddenly Shemmelle vanished and the other ladies ran inside the house screaming.

    Meanwhile...

    Tabbi suddenly found herself throwing a tortilla at Edmund Bertram who was inside a wrestling ring along with Charles Bingley. Then Darcy remarked on her behavior and she assured him no harm would come to him at all. A tap on her shoulder brought her face to face with some other Dwiggie ladies who, once assured the seats behind her were open, began fighting over seats nearest Darcy. Tabbi could see some other Dwiggie characters from her story in certain areas of the stadium chasing and catching their heros as a fight ensued between Charles and Edmund in the ring. Insults were thrown about and then Jane Bennet and Fanny Price stepped into the ring, smacked their fiances upside the head with a couple of oversized trout and drug them out of the arena. Spotting Col. Fitzwilliam run into the ring, TabbiW charged through the crowd after Gen. Coleen, Shemmelle, and Cinthia, who were now on the hunt for him and Henry Crawford. Suddenly everything disappeared and Tabbi stood alone in a black void. She looked around in confusion wondering where everyone had gone. Coleen walked up a few moments later grinning stupidly.

    "So what'd ya think of the deathmatch?" Coleen asked

    "Funny as heck woman! Especially when Jane and Fanny smacked their fiances upside the head with the fish. And that scene with Lady Catherine...I didn't know whether to laugh or throw up!!! HAHAHA!" After both had calmed down, they looked around at the nothingness that surrounded them. "How did we get here? Where is here, anyway?"

    "Hmm, I think we are between stories right now. You have to write more of yours so you can return, I think." Coleen suggested.

    "Okey day then." TabbiW. set off to writing more on Chasing Fitzwilliam, then realized her characters were missing. "Uh woman? May I have my characters back? I cannot very well chase Fitzwilliam when he is not even in the story."

    "OOOH yes of course!" Coleen scribbled something and suddenly they were back in Barbie Hell surrounded by the other participants of the Deathmatch. However the gentlmen seemed to be missing. They looked around frantically for them and called out their names, but no answer was heard. The front door of Ballerina Barbie's house slammed open as the ladies who hadn't been in the Deathmatch came running out asking questions faster than anyone could answer.

    "QUIET DOWN EVERYONE!" Gen. Coleen screamed. "If you'll calm down I will explain." She went on to tell the story of her deathmatch and how she had borrowed some of the Fitzwilliam Followers and therefore causing them to disappear from Chasing Fitzwilliam.

    "Well then were are they? Darcy, Fitzwilliam, and Elwes I mean." asked Josie.

    "Uh...well......actually....We don't know." Gen. Coleen shrugged helplessly looking at Tabbi, who also shrugged, then popped out of the scene. "Hey! Where'd you go now?"

    "I'm writing of course! And you all have to find the gentlemen again so I'm looking for transportation. And before anyone thinks I did this on purpose....think again! It was all Coleen's fault! She took Col. Hotpants, Darcy and Elwes....and I have no idea where she put them either."

    Griping and mumbling started as the ladies advanced on Gen. Coleen demanding an answer. She backed away and proclaimed she had no idea what had happened to him. She had ended her story and freed all the characters back to this one.

    What nobody knew, not even Tabbi(at least until this moment), is that Chris had made sure the gentlemen had transportation once they returned to Chasing Fitzwilliam. They were at this moment just leaving Barbie Hell behind as Tabbi frantically searched for a vehicle that the Dwiggies could use.

    Part VI

    Posted on Tuesday, 13 June 2000, at 8 : 32 p.m.

    The ladies ran up and down the streets of Barbie Hell in search of vehicles. Strangely enough, there were none to be found, which confused them greatly.

    "Oh, come on! I know there are jeeps, corvette's, and even RV's all created for Barbie...SO WHERE ARE THEY ALL?" Kimmie shrieked in annoyance. Arguments broke out, insults flew, there was hissing and scratching amoung the Dwiggies as their patience snapped. Their yelling had become so loud they didn't notice a bus pull up beside them until the horn blew loudly making them all jump.

    They looked up at the bus in amazement. The doors opened and Ashka, Kendra Crispen, and Kathy emerged with grins on their faces. "Hey girls! Can we be of assistance?" Kendra asked.

    "YEAH!!! Darcy, Col. Hotpants, and Elwes have all disappeared....THANKS TO CHRIS!" Angry shouts and promises of revenge were hurled at the before mentioned gentleman.

    "Well, then we have to get going to catch up! I know we just joined the chase, I hope you girls don't mind...but we wanted in on the excitement too!" Kathy said.

    "Nope, the more the merrier! Alright girls...MOUNT UP!" Gen. Coleen screamed and blew her whistle. Everyone piled into the bus. Looking at Ashka, who had been driving, she asked, "Do you mind if I drive this time?" Ashka gave up her position as driver and Gen. Coleen got behind the wheel.

    Grinning evily, she yelled, "CHAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGE!" She stomped her foot on the gas sending the bus jerking into motion.

    Unfortunately the bus's speed was nothing compared to the sports vehicles that Chris had gotten for the gentlemen, so the ladies were quite a ways behind them.


    Darcy, Elwes, and Richard drove like a bat out of hell to get away from the rabid Dwiggie mob. They did not know how far back those "ladies" were but they didn't want to risk meeting up with them again. They were very thankful to the Chris gentleman once again for saving them. They sped on in silence for a few more miles, when suddenly a thought occured to Richard.

    "Say, Elwes....This story is called Chasing Fitzwilliam. My name is Richard Fitzwilliam, and then there's Fitzwilliam Darcy.....so where do you fit in?" he asked.

    Before Elwes could answer, Darcy added, "Yeah, I mean if your name isn't Fitzwilliam, why should we let you tag along? You're only a hindrance dragging even more Dwiggies into this chaos!"

    "Well, first off I thought you would do it for male solidarity. Secondly, my full name is Carey Fitzwilliam Elwes!"

    Darcy and Richard looked at each other, arching an eyebrow. "Since when?" Darcy demanded.

    Elwes gave them an arrogant look and replied. "Since now!"

    An argument ensued, and would have kept on if not for the sudden appearance of a wall in front of the car. All three men hollered as it crashed through the wall before Darcy slammed on the brakes. However, he didn't stop soon enough because the car smashed into a strangely dressed man who was wearing black and red make-up. He held what looked like a glowing sword in his hands. The impact of the crash sent him tumbling down a bottomless pit in the middle of the room.

    "HEY! What do you think you're doing? This is my fight? And where in the world did you come from?" a voice yelled from across the room.

    The gentleman swung around to see a young man carrying another glowing sword. They looked at each other in confusion. Shrieking was heard from a corridor then the Dwiggie Army filed into the room. The bus had finally caught up with them and they were determined not let them get away. However, upon seeing Ewan MacGregor, the ladies stopped in surprise. A shrill scream came from the group as Gen. Coleen shoved her way forward to the front of the crowd. She advanced on Ewan like a hyena on a wounded zebra.

    She looked around wildly, unable to believe her luck. "Fitzwilliam....Col. Hotpants....Carey Elwes...and EWEN MACGREGOR!!!!!!!! Which one should I pick?" A greedy look came into her eyes, "AW HECK...Why not all of 'em!"

    The entire group roared their agreement and took off at a dead run after the men. They hadn't gotten far when the entire scene disappeared and they were surrounded by a black void.

    "Where are we?" Ashka asked.

    "Oh, sorry! My Phantom Menace CD just ended. Hold on." *plays with CD remote*

    Everyone fell and landed with a splash in freezing water.

    All of a sudden two people could be heard above the splashing and screaming.

    "I love you, Jack!" said an oddly familiar voice.

    "No Rose, don't say your goodbyes..." the voices faded away.

    "OH NO!!!! YOU DIDN'T!!!!" Gen. Coleen shrieked angrily.

    "Didn't what?" asked Richard.

    "SHE PUT US IN TITANIC!"

    "Hold on hold on..." *keeps playing with remote but the batteries seem to have died*

    Celine Dion's voice could be heard wailing above the chaos.
    NEAR...FAR.....WHEEERE EVEEER YOU ARE, I BELIEVE THAT MY HEART WILL GOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON

    "Jack...JACK" Rose whispered.

    "Ah shad up, ya hussy! Get off the board so other people can get out of the freezing water." said Tiki. With that she pushed Rose into the water. She sank to the bottom along with Jack.

    The rest of the Dwiggies fought for a spot on the piece of wood while Tabbi frantically played with the CD player which seemed to be possessed since it wouldn't quit playing Titanic.

    "HEY WE'RE FREEZING DOWN HERE! HURRY UP!" Lara Aine yelled.

    "OK OK!"

    *scribble* *scratch*

    *scribble*

    Four large rafts appeared in the water beside the floating Dwiggies. They climbed in, pulling the men in with them. They grabbed the blankets that dropped out of the sky and wrapped up in them.

    "Ok hold on just one more minute!" *walks over to CD player, shrieking curses and kicking it*

    WHIR
    SPIN
    KURPLUNK

    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" everyone screamed as they fell.

    Part VII

    Posted on Tuesday, 4 July 2000, at 12 : 51 a.m.

    Suddenly, everyone stopped falling and instead just floated somewhere in oblivion. They all looked around, wary and concerned.

    "Uh, what is going on? Where are we?" JaneyMac sputtered.

    "I don't know, but I have a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad feeling about this!" JessLee stated.

    A noise came from somewhere in the darkness.

    POP

    "FINALLY!!! I've been trying to get into this story for some time now, but you guys have always been ahead of me!" Bridget looked around in confusion. "Um...where are we?"

    "We have no clue! First we were in Phatom Menace, then Titanic, now we are just floating about in LaLa Land I guess. I almost afraid to see what happens next!" replied Lara Aine.

    the faint sound of music starts up again...

    No one has time to question this as they were unexpectedly transported into the cockpit of fighter jets. They began screaming in fright as their planes went into circles and flips, all except for Kimmie that is. She looked around in wonder.

    "This has got to be a dream!" she mumbled to herself.

    Just then a familiar scream came across the radio. "DOESN'T ANYONE HAVE ANY TORPEDOS LEFT?"

    Independance Day?????? Nooooooo it couldn't be! That's when Kimmie noticed the space ship above her. She gasped in surprise then quickly looked at her screen to see if there was a torpedo on her jet. Shrieking happily, she yelled into the mouthpiece. "I HAVE ONE!"

    She advanced her plane and readied her last weapon, then locked on target, "Alright, you inferior ooze-filled lumps of infectious rump-fed baggage!" and with that she sent the missile towards the space ship.

    "TAAAAAAAAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Melissa screamed, as her plane went into a crazy spin. "GET US OUT OF HERE!"

    "I'm trying, I'm trying! STUPID CD PLAYER!"

    *throws stereo out the window and wipes hands*

    "That ought to do it!"

    Everyone popped out of the scene just as the space ship began exploding. Now they were tumbling along what appeared to be a rainbow timewarp. A small cartoon leprechaun started shrieking, "They're after me lucky charms!" as the entire gang sped past.

    THUMP

    OOOF!

    GASP!

    Alice sat up rubbing her head. "Aw, man, that's gonna leave a mark!" She looked around noticing nothing but forest. "Huh...now where in the world has Tabbi dropped us?"

    Erin H. stood up and dusted herself off. "I really don't know, and frankly I don't care. What I could really go for right now is a nice hot shower, some good food, and a change of clothes."

    POP
    The entire group was transported into a tavern, all wearing cowboy outfits. The other occupants looked up, went back to their drinks, then looked back again. Women in breeches?

    "Uh...this isn't exactly what I had in mind, Tabbi!" Erin hissed.

    "Sorry! I actually meant for you all to end up in a nice family restuarant. Just try to blend in, ok."

    Melissa snorted and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, right Tabbi. That's like telling a Rhino to fit in with a flock of parakeets."

    Leah cleared her throat and stepped forward, watching the entire room warily. "Everyone just be ready to run at a moment's notice, ok."

    They all huddled together, slinking into the room. Heading toward some empty tables on the left side of the room, they slid them together and sat down.

    "Well, at least we can get some food, and maybe a bath." Vals chirped happily. Several glares were sent her way, along with mumblings of agreement.

    A lady wearing a bright red dress with heaving bosom, and gaudy make-up came to the table. "What can I get ya missy's?"

    "Uh...well, have any specials?" Andrea asked meekly.

    The lady grinned toothily. "Sure do honey. Good ol' hearty beef stew. Stick to yer ribs."

    "Sounds good, Ya'll want that, then?" Coleen asked. Everyone agreed and settled in for dinner.

    Stretching out, Kathy Ann looked around the room at the other customers, who still watched them with interest. "You would think they had never seen a woman in their entire life span. I mean, come on!"

    Tanisha slid down in her seat. "Yeah, well, let's just keep to ourselves ok. Never know what they're capable of. Some of them are probably criminals."

    Their dinner was served, and they all ate hungrily. Grunts of pleasure were heard throughout the gang and soon their meal was gone. Suddenly the sound of gunfire split the air and the ladies jumped in surprise. A familiar looking man walked through the door and looked around the room, searching for someone.

    "Oh MY GODS! ANTONIO BANDERAS! HE'S AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL MINE!!!!!! " Kathy jumped up and started running toward him. The other ladies followed in hot pursuit.

    Antonio, surprised by this unforseen attack, turned tail and ran. "GET EM GIRLS! ANOTHER ONE FOR THE COLLECTION!"

    "HEY! COME BACK HERE! YOU DIDN'T PAY FOR YER FOOD!" the lady screamed from the Tavern doorway.

    Coleen whipped out some bills from her pocket and flung them back without looking. Antonio hopped onto his horse and galloped away, leaving the ladies choking on his dust. Sadly, the women watched him get away with amazing speed.

    "AAAAwwwwwwwwwwwww where are some horses when you need em? We could have had him!" Josie wailed.

    "Hmmmmmmm..."Coleen turned back toward the Tavern where several horses were standing. "Well...we could take those!"

    Josie gasped, " General!! That is stealing! Plus I don't think those gentlemen would have any problems shooting us if we tried."

    "Awwwwww Phooey! I say. We have Tabbi, she'll get us out of this!" She whistles shrilly, causing all the horse to prance about. Five horses made their way over. "OK, so that didn't work the way I wanted it to....we need nineteen more."

    "Oooooooooooh TAAAAAAABBBBBBBBBIIIIII!!!" Tiki yelled. "HORSES WOMAN AND BE QUICK ABOUT IT!"

    *tabbi arches an eyebrow* "And who are you to be telling me how to write my story?"

    "I am TIKI! A.K.A. POO POO THE MAGNIFICENT PARAKEET! And you will do as I say!"

    "HA! That's what you think, poop for brains! What if I don't give you the horses?"

    "Simple! I write a story about you and Collins getting married! AHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!"

    "GOOD GODS! NOOOOOO I'll get you the horses! PLEEEEEEAAAASSSE Don't do that, TIKI!"

    Tiki nodded decisively, "I like your new attitude Tabbi! Now...GET TO STEPPIN'! or writing...whatever, just get busy!"

    Nineteen horse all popped into view, saddled and ready to go. The girls mounted and took off after Antonio, hell bent on capturing at least one man in their wild pursuits.


    Darcy wiped his forehead and looked up at the blazing sun. "Man, it is so hot out here! Where is that Chris fellow when you need him? We have no horses, no food, no water...we're gonna die out here!"

    Richard glared at Darcy, "Oh, that's right, keep your optimistic mood, Darcy!"

    Darcy squinted his eyes dangerously, "And what do you mean by that, HOTPANTS?"

    "Simply that you don't have the most wonderful attitude...Fitzwilliam "THE SHIRT" Darcy!"

    They now stood toe to toe, glaring at each other, tense and ready to fight.

    "Well, if you don't like my attitude, then you can JUST LEAVE!"

    "In case you haven't noticed, we are in the middle of a DESERT! There is nowhere for me to LEAVE! And I'm not the only one who has a problem with your attitude...or have you already forgotten Miss BENNET!" Richard ended this with a shriek loud enough to rival Mrs. Bennet.

    Darcy's fist connected with Richard's face and soon they were both rolling around on the ground, grunting and groaning. Elwes took a seat on a nearby rock, watching with eyebrows raised. After a few moments of more tustling he took out his cell-phone and called his agent about more booking more auditions.

    So preoccupied all three gentlemen were, that they didn't notice a rider coming from the east with a large dust cloud behind him.
    He stopped short when he saw two gentlemen fighting.

    "Excuse me...what is going on here?" Antonio asked.

    Elwes grinned. "Just a little brotherly spat."

    "Yeah? Well, I would suggest you all get out of here...a huge mob of women are headed this way, hot on my heals and you all are gonna get trampled."

    Both Darcy and Richard stopped abruptly. "Did you say a mob of women coming this way?"

    "Yeeesssssssss...I did,"

    "$#!@ COME ON LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!!" Darcy began running(which wasn't easy in the loose sand) and tripped into the sand, eating a huge mouthfull of it. He came up sputtering and coughing, looking to the west he noticed another rider or riders coming over a hill.

    The rider stopped just short of running over Darcy. "Get up! I've brought you some horse. You must hurry, those ladies are on their way!" With that, Chris releases his hold on three horse he had been guiding, and took off toward the north.

    The men took no time in mounting their horses and speeding off toward the north after Chris. However, they didn't have enough time to escape the screaming banshees. A cloud of dust rolled behind them and screams could be heard echoing across the plains.

    "FINALLY!!! WE CAUGHT UP WITH THEM! YAAAAAAAYYYYY!" Andrea hollared.

    "And this time they will not get away!" cried Kathy as she surged ahead. "YEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHAAAAAWWWWWWW!!!!!!!"

    Part VIII

    Posted on Sunday, 13 August 2000, at 7 : 49 p.m.

    In their haste to reach the gentleman, the Alpha, Beta, Delta, and Omega groups did not notice the sudden disappearance of the Kappa group. Shem had signalled to the other to follow her. Kappa group split up, two heading northeast and three heading northwest, planning to converge one mile ahead. They ran their horses parallel to the gentleman until they surpassed them. Then they nudged their horses faster and closed in for the kill.

    "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Richard screamed as he saw the three coming from the west, and turned his horse to the east. "RIDE MEN RIDE! TO THE EAST!" The other followed and only too late realized their error. Their sat Shem and Meghan with lassos in hand. The ropes sailed through the air gracefully as the entire Dwiggie mob surrounded the men.

    Shem's landed around Elwes and she quickly ran over to hog tie him. "THIS ONE'S MINE!!!!" With that she threw him over the back of her horse and rode off into the south.

    Antonio, never having seen anything like this before, looked around in fear. Meghan's lasso draped around Darcy's shoulder, and in a moment of blinding fear he charged his horse. Meghan had forgotten to wrap the rope around her saddle and went flying out of her seat. Darcy then drug her about 50 ft before realizing she was still hanging on. Being the gentleman that he was, and thoroughly ashamed of his treatment to a "lady", he stopped his horse and dismounted. He quickly shook off the rope, then ran over to make sure Meghan was ok.

    "Miss...Miss are you ok....." he never finished as Meghan put her arms around his neck in a death grip. He choked and sputtered trying to shake her loose. He looked up to see Richard and Antonio racing toward him on their horses. Somehow, they had gotten away from the insane mob, but they weren't far behind. He peeled Meghan's arms from around his neck, and kissed her cheek, which disabled all thinking process for her. Then he jumped on his horse and galloped away with the other two gentlemen.

    The Dwiggies of course had to stop and make sure Meghan was ok. She had bruises and scrapes along her arms, but didn't seem fazed by this at all. She was too busy staring dreamily into space. Only the occasional sigh and blinking of eyes assured them she was still alive.

    "Oh man, now what are we gonna do? She can't ride a horse like this!" Ashka said, then looked thoughtful. "Maybe if we just sort of flung her over the saddle? I'm sure she would be ok."

    General Coleen shrugged, picked up Meghan and tossed her over the saddle. "I'll lead her horse and keep an eye on her. Now let's get riding, we have to find those gentleman. Shem already took of with Elwes, so we're one lady short."

    With many a grump and groan, they set off toward the north in search of the men once more. About an hour later, they gladly left behind the emptiness of the desert and entered a grassy plain. A stream up ahead babbled peacefully and everyone decided to rest for the night. Coleen grabbed a tin dish from her pack along with her First Aid Kit and bandaged up Meghan, who was still off in her Darcy Dreamland. Everyone rinsed off in the stream, ate some Oreos that Tiki had, and settled in for the night.


    The sound of cannons going off roused the women early the next morning. Caroline rubbed her arms as the chill of the morning touched her skin. Everyone else stood and listened to the distant sounds of firing.

    "Uh oh, where in gods' name did Tabbi put us now?" Josie demanded, as everyone else shrugged. "Well, she had better clue us in pretty quick because that gunfire is getting closer and I certainly don't feel like resembling Swiss cheese."

    Just then a soldier stumbled upon the clearing, looking around with glazed eyes. Spotting all the women before him, he fell to his knees and whispered, "Help me." Then passed out.

    Coleen, Leah, Caroline, Melissa, Kimmie, and JessLee all rushed to his aid. No, wait they aren't helping him, they're arguing over him.

    "He's mine I saw him first!" Leah yelled, pulling on one of the man's arms.

    "No way! He's MINE! Back off LEAH!" Caroline threatened. "MY HEALTH CLIFF"

    Melissa and JessLee were tugging on his uniform and trying to revive him.

    Gen. Coleen shrieked. "I'm General so I get to say who gets him! Now stand back so I can see to the poor man."

    "Well, for your information, you're ALL WRONG! HE'S MY HUSBAND SO BACK THAT THING UP!!!" Kimmie shrieked.

    She grabbed her canister of water and dumped it on his face. He came up sputtering and blinking, while all six ladies stood over him, looking anxious.

    "Are you ok, Heath? Where does it hurt? Who hurt you? Why I'll murdalize em!" Coleen threatened.

    "What?" Heath Ledger sat up in confusion. "Where's the camera crew? Where is my house? And who are all of you? Why are you here?"

    He stood up swiftly and the ladies converged upon him. "So...you're not hurt?"

    "Well, no...it was all an act..." The ladies cheered and threw themselves into his embrace. "Uhhhh, ok."

    The other ladies came over to investigate. Those who recognized him gasped and surrounded him like vultures to a carcass, while the others just looked a little confused. But the man was hot so they could definitely understand the attraction.

    "Um, like I said, who are you ladies? And why are you here?"

    Everyone introduced themselves and Gen. Coleen attempted to explain their mission to him. He looked at them in disbelief as she finished an odd story that included Regency England, Oz, and a forest of Rotting ham, Star Wars, Titanic and Independence Day.

    "Right...Just let me call my agent." He said cautiously. After a few seconds he smacked the cell phone against his hand. "What good are cell phones when they don't work?" Disgusted he threw it in the bushes and followed the ladies over to the campsite.

    "Hungry?" Kendra Crispen asked. "I'm cooking some breakfast for everyone!"

    "Sure, thanks ladies!" He smiled charmingly at them all. You could almost hear the swooning and thumping of hearts. "So where are you ladies headed now?"

    "Well, we are on the hunt for a few gentleman, but we really don't know where they are. All we know is that they headed north, but we decided to stop for the night when Meghan got hurt. We'll be leaving later on today so we can catch up with them. Would you like to join us?" Coleen asked.

    "Certainly. And who is Meghan?" Everyone pointed to the young girl, sitting on the edge of a tree stump, staring off into nothing. Heath frowned, "Is she ok?"

    "Oh yes, it's just that one of the men kissed her cheek yesterday and she's been out of it ever since." Josie said flippantly.

    Heath cliff...er Heath looked at her worriedly, shrugged, and glanced around to see the whole flock of women drooling before him. For the first time since meeting these ladies, he was nervous. Especially about Caroline, who was eyeing him with a distinctively hungry look.

    After eating breakfast, the ladies packed up and were ready to head out, when they realized Heath didn't have a horse. Gen. Coleen turned to apologize to him but then noticed that he had disappeared somewhere.

    "That's odd, where on earth did he go to?" she asked no one in particular.

    "Maybe he had to use a tree?" Jess Rig stated with a smirk.

    They waited for another fifteen minutes but he never showed up. "Well, that's just rude of him to leave without saying good-bye." Coleen snorted with disgust. "Oh well, let's get out of here ladies, we have three other men to chase after still!"

    "Alright Beta team, let's go!" Everyone mounted their horses...but there were only four of the Beta team present...


    Caroline chuckled to herself as she and Heath rode her horse through the forest. She had lured him away from the others and given him a rather passionate kiss, then stated, "Yes, I'll marry you!"

    Heath had looked at her in complete shock, unsure of what had happened, but apparently he must have proposed. When did that happen? He asked himself. Then he looked into Caroline's eyes and fell deeply in love. She was the most beautiful creature he had ever seen. He had swung her up on the horse, then got on behind her, and they took off for their happily-ever-after, leaving the others behind.


    Kimmie looked at the group of women before, trying to figure out who was missing. Because that someone just left with her husband! Damned if she would let this other girl get away with it.

    "AHA!" Kimmie yelled out loud, mounted her horse quickly and charged into the forest, screaming Caroline's name.

    The rest of the ladies stared after her in astonishment. Coleen shrugged, checked on Meghan, who was starting to come out of her daze, and started packing up her belongings. "Alright, women, we're gonna saddle up and find these men!"

    Cheers went up and soon they were all riding through the forest, on the hunt once again.


    Kimmie looked at the group of women before, trying to figure out who was missing. Because that someone just left with her husband! Damned if she would let this other girl get away with it.

    "AHA!" Kimmie yelled out loud, mounted her horse quickly and charged into the forest, screaming Caroline's name.

    "What the...? HEY!" *Tabbi shakes her mouse violently* "QUIT COPYING YOU PIECE OF bleeeeeeeeeeeeeep bleep bleeeeeeping bleeeeeeeeeppp bleep!!"

    The rest of the ladies stared after her in astonishment. Coleen shrugged, checked on Meghan, who was starting to come out of her daze, and started packing up her belongings. "Alright, women, we're gonna saddle up and find these men!"

    Cheers went up and soon they were all riding through the forest, on the hunt once again.


    Kimmie looked at the group of women before, trying to figure out who was missing. Because that someone just left with her husband! Damned if she would let this other girl get away with it.

    "AHA!" Kimmie yelled outloud, mounted her horse quickly and charged into the forest, screaming Caroline's name.

    The rest of the ladies stared after her in astonishment. Coleen shrugged, checked on Meghan, who was starting to come out of her daze, and started packing up her belongings. "Alright, women, we're gonna saddle up and find these men!"

    Cheers went up and soon they were all riding through the forest, on the hunt once again.


    "ARGH! NO! QUIT!" *muffled cursing and crashing noises*

    Kimmie looked at the group of women before, trying to figure out who was missing. Because that someone just left with her husband! Damned if she would let this other girl get away with it.

    "AHA!" Kimmie yelled out loud, mounted her horse quickly and charged into the forest, screaming Caroline's name.

    *Tabbi grabs baseball bat and glares at computer* "QUIT IT OR I'LL TAKE YOU OUT YOU ROTTEN PIECE OF MECHANICAL GARBAGE!!!"

    whirr... whiz...buuzzzziiiiiitt bzzzzzzzzzzzz...huuuuuuummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

    "Heh, yeah that's what I thought, beotch! Now back to the story!"

    Coleen blinked and looked around in confusion. "Is it just me or did we just redo the same scene a couple of times?"

    "Yeah I think so, what the heck is up with that?" Lara Aine questioned.

    "TABBI! Woman! What happened?" Coleen shouted.

    "Oh, sorry everyone. Had a minor uh...disagreement with my computer but I won! Muaahaahaaaa...Everything should be alright now."

    "Oh, I see said the blind man to the deaf man," Coleen muttered and once again everyone was off on the hunt.


    The exhausted men once again mounted their horses as the sun peeked over the horizon. Silently, Darcy, Richard, and Antonio made their way through the forest, looking for the blue brick road. Suddenly the same strange man from three worlds ago appeared, still carrying the strange looking sword.

    He held his sword threateningly, and said, "You! Why are you following me? Who are you?"

    The other three glanced at each other with eyebrows raised, then looked back toward the odd man with a funny accent. "We are not following you. You are following us! And who are you?" Darcy demanded.

    "I am Obi Wan Kenobi, Jedi Knight."

    Richard squinted his eyes dangerously. "Don't lie Oldi Kan...whatever...back in that other world, I heard those girls scream "Ewen" very clearly. Now who are you, truthfully?"

    Ewan sighed. "Well my real name is Ewan McGregor. However, this is my character, Obi Wan Kanobi. Now who are you three?"

    "I am Fitzwilliam Darcy, this is my cousin Col. Richard Fitzwilliam, and that gentlemen there is...is...actually I don't know who he is. He just joined us yesterday when we were chased through the desert by a band of ruffians. The other gentleman that was with us when we first met you was not so lucky, and has been taken captive."

    "My name is Antonio Banderas," he said with a slight nod of his head.

    "Yes, nice to meet you all. Hmmm, interesting story you tell. Ruffians you say? Are they from the Rebel Forces?"

    "Who?" Richard asked.

    "What?" questioned Antonio.

    "Obviously not, then. Well, where are you three headed? I seemed to have taken a wrong turn somewhere...oh well I was getting sick of fighting that idiot with the horns in his head anyway. So what say you, can I join?"

    "Um, well I don't know..." Darcy hesitated, remembering the problems they had from letting Elwes join. However, he was another ally against the Dwiggies, so... "Well, sure what the heck. But, uh, we don't have another horse for you. We can share I suppose."

    "Oh, no need." And suddenly he began levitating. "Lead the way, gentlemen!"

    The shocked silence was broken by a sudden shrieking coming from behind them.

    "CAROLINE!!! GET BACK HERE WITH HEATH! HE'S MY HUSBAND, YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!" Kimmie's voice rang through the forest clearly. Seconds later she appeared before the men with a wild look in her eyes as she searched the area for Caroline and her husband. Spotting the other men, she blinked, and then grinned, "Ooooooohh, DARCY! MY LOVE!!!"

    "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" The men screamed as they galloped away, Kimmie following, and the Dwiggies only a few minutes behind.


    A man and a woman, dressed in expensive suits, stood in the middle of the dirt road arguing as the screaming quartet of men came rushing from out of the forest. They jumped to the side as they were almost trampled to death, then the man screamed, "YEAH NO PROBLEM, BUDDY!" then muttered, "Jerk. You ok Scully?"

    "Yeah I'm fine Mulder, but what in the world was that all about?"

    "Hmmm," Mulder looked thoughtful. "Perhaps there are aliens chasing after them! Yes, that's it! We should go investigate right away, come on Scully!"

    But, before he could take one step, twenty-three women, on horses, exited the woods at lightening speed. Mulder screamed shrilly and the women pulled their horses to an abrupt stop.

    "ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED, MORON!" Coleen yelled. "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! ARGH!"

    Mulder blinked, then asked, "Who are you? And what is pursuing you all that is making you flee so fast?"

    "Nothing is pursuing us! We, however, are pursuing four gentlemen that came riding this way. So if you will kindly step aside, we are in a hurry here!" Kathy ordered grumpily.

    "But why are you after those men? Have they done something illegal? Do you need our help?"

    "Not bloody likely." Tanisha grumbled.

    "Who are you girls? Are you in some type of gang or something?" Mulder questioned, and pulled his gun out.

    Coleen sighed, "Alright, I'll tell you the entire story, condensed version. But then you must let us pass, you are wasting valuable time!" She once again told the tail of Chasing Fitzwilliam and how they had ended up chasing numerous gentlemen instead of just one.

    Mulder turned to Scully with excitement, "You see Scully! It's like I said all along! The truth is out there...and the government was trying to hide it all."

    "Mulder, what in the world are you babbling about now?"

    "Don't you see! This is an alternative world! The paranormal! We have been transported here somehow, and this blue brick road is our key to unlocking all of the secrets!" He was now practically jumping around like a little boy on a sugar high.

    Scully rolled her eyes and looked at Mulder with the patience of an asylum nurse, but her words were snide, "Oh, COME ON! This is just a silly fan fiction story made up by these Dwiggies in their pathetic attempt to capture fictional characters."

    Mulder snorted derisively, "Really, Scully, you have quite an imagination. Dwiggies...chasing fictional characters...HA!" He began searching for the blue brick road, with a mumbling Scully behind him.

    The Dwiggies all looked at each other, shrugged and continued on their way.


    Caroline and Heath laid low to the ground as they listened for shouting. Five minutes earlier the gang had galloped past them, completely unaware of their presence. Waiting for another ten minutes, they stood up and walked quietly through the woods, found their horse and were off to Gretna Green.


    The men looked around in astonishment. How could this be? They were unsure if the sight that greeted them was a blessing in disguise or a nightmare come to life. But they had no time to waste, the Dwiggies would soon be upon them. Dismounting, they each gave their horse a whack on the butt to send them away and quickly hid in an abandoned Tavern.

    A shadow fell across Darcy's form as he crouched behind a barrel. "AAAAHHH..." His scream was cut short as Chris's hand covered his mouth.

    "Ssshhhhhhhhhh...they will be here any minute. I have found the way out of here, once they leave, I will escort you gentlemen home." The men nodded and waited in silence for the screeching mob.

    Silence...
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    More silence...

    "Are you sure they are even following us?" Richard whispered only to be shushed by everyone else. "Geez, I was only asking." He grumbled but wisely shut up as the other men glared at him.

    Silence...
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    Silence...
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    "OOOOOOOOH MYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDSSSSSSS!!!!!! LOOK AT EM ALL!!!!!!!!!!" Came a piercing shriek from somewhere in the town. Then the sound of gentlemen screaming, followed by pounding footsteps, and screams of victory. Darcy crawled closer to get a closer look at what was surely chaos.

    And it was.

    There in the center of town, all twenty-three Dwiggies were chasing clones of Darcy, Fitzwilliam, Elwes, Ewan, and Antonio. There were hundreds of them, but it seems they didn't have a chance against the rabid mob as they quickly set about trapping them. Tanisha was seen running away with six Darcy's, Andrea grabbed ten for herself and Fitzwilliam for a little variety...but then...she stopped. Spotting something around the edge of the building, she locked her men up in a building, then ran around the back.

    The Original Austen heroes watched in horror as their clones were dragged off one by one to who knows what kind of torment. Darcy wanted to help them, but leaving his hiding place meant he would be caught and dragged off also. So he shrunk back into the shadows and waited for the screaming to die down. He looked behind him, and noticed that the Chris fellow was gone. Hmmm...now where did he go to?

    On the outskirts of town, by a huge Oak Tree. "Come on Andrea! I was only helping 'em out! Besides, you have Darcy now, what more do you want?"

    Grinning wickedly, she replied, "Revenge!" Then she wrapped more duck tape around Chris's body and slapped a piece over his mouth to muffle his screams. Pulling out a netted rope, she pushed Chris down onto it. Then she threw one piece of the rope over a thick tree branch and began hoisting him up in the air, while he wiggled and moaned. "This'll make you think twice about double crossing us next time, dear boy!" With that, she turned and headed back to collect her hostages.

    Tabbi walks up behind Coleen and taps her on the shoulder. "Hey woman! What's up?"

    "How? Wha....HOW?" Coleen shook Tabbi till her brains rattled around.

    "Geeze woman! Chill out...I don't know how the clones happened. I think something got screwed up when my mouse went nuts and kept recopying the story. All those extra Darcys, Richards, etcetera had to go somewhere." Tabbi shrugged, then she grinned. "Hey wanna go find the Originals! We'll have them all to ourselves!"

    "WOOOHOOOOOOOOO ALRIGHT! Let's go!" Coleen and Tabbi began searching the town for The Originals, as they are now labelled.


    An hour later, the screams had come to an end. The only sound was the rusting of leaves and creaking of the Tavern's sign as the wind blew. Peaking out of the window, Darcy gave the all clear sign and the four men exited cautiously.

    Squinting at the bright sun, they sighed with relief. It was finally over...after all this time, they had finally outsmarted the Dwiggies and could return home...

    Darcy's brow furrowed, "Have you three seen that Chris chap anywhere? He was suppose to lead us out of here."

    "No I haven't seen him in quite some time. You don't suppose he...that...the Dwiggies got him, do you?" Richard asked.

    scrape

    "What was that?" Darcy asked, looking around. The men huddled together, hoping...fearing...

    shuffle

    scrape

    silence...

    Richard and Darcy gulped, and turned to run...

    Tabbi and Coleen grinned as they came face to face with their heroes. "Hello, boys! Nice surprise finding you here!"

    All four men took a step back, then another. "Oh now, don't run away, my loves. We would never hurt you!" Tabbi gushed.

    In a split second the men were off running. "WAAAAAAAAIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT!! COME BACK HERE STUDMUFFIN! I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!" Tabbi yelled as she ran after him. Coleen followed, adding her own avowal of everlasting love.

    Scene fades out as the characters become smaller in the distance...

    "HARUMPPHHHHH HRRRRMMMMMMMPPPPPPPPP..." came a muffled screaming. "FFFFFFFFUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMUUUUUTTHYYYY HHHHHHHLLLLLLPPPPPHHHHHHH MMMMMPPPHHHHHHHHEEEEE!!"

    Scene opens up, showing Chris still gagged and bound hanging from a tree, swinging from side to side.

    Suddenly a smallish woman comes walking up the lane. Spotting the poor gentleman hanging from the tree, she proceeds to ask him question after question, even though he can't answer. But that doesn't stop her from having a full conversation with him about Miss Fairfax. And even as his ears began to bleed, her babbling never stopped, and thus we leave Chris to his just rewards for interfering in the chase.

    The rest of the Dwiggie ladies lived happily ever after with their men...

    Kimmie-2 Darcy's, 3 Ewan's, 1 Elwes, and Richard.
    Leah-1 Darcy and 2 Richards
    Vals-4 Darcys and 1 Richard
    Suz-6 Elwes and 1 Darcy
    ErinH-1Darcy, 1 Antonio
    Alice-2 Richards, 1 Darcy
    Katy Ann-3 Darcys
    Janey Mac-1 Darcy, 1 Richard
    JessRig-2 Richards
    Caroline-Heath Ledger
    Melissa-3 Richards, 1 Darcy, and 1 Elwes
    Andrea-10 Darcys, 1 Richard
    Lara Aine-4 Darcys, 4 Richards
    Josie-2 Darcys, 3 Ewans
    JessLee-3Darcys
    Shemmelle-The Original Elwes
    Tiki-8 Darcys, 2 Richards, and 1 Antonio
    Tanisha-6 Darcys
    Meghan-14 Darcys, 1 Richard
    Kathy-3 Darcys, 2 Richards, 6 Antonios, and 2 Ewans
    Ashka-22 Richards, 7 Darcys
    Bridget-1 Darcy, 14 Richards, 2 Antonios, 4 Ewans
    Kendra Crispen-5 Darcys, 4 Elwes, 2 Richards

    Tabbi and Coleen-Still fighting over Colonel Studmuffin, the others got away...

    THE END

    © 2000 Copyright held by the author.