Posted on Wednesday, 4 April 2001
Author's Note: This was written in irritation when I noticed that Elizabeth just couldn't keep 'em covered in the A&E version...(But it isn't supposed to be insulting Elizabeth Bennet, Jennifer Ehle or anyone else - promise!)
CASE 1
"...and this is my second daughter, Elizabeth..."
The sound of the mad old bat's voice died away. All Darcy knew was the lovely creature before him. How conveniently short she was! - Why, if he stood just so before her and looked down to greet her, he was able to get a perfect view of her -
"...boobs!"
Darcy started, "I beg your pardon, madam?" he asked hastily, flushing.
"I was saying, sir, that I hoped you and Mr. Bingley would dance tonight, and not be a couple of boobs!"
Darcy smiled, suddenly turning rather pale. He turned to Miss Elizabeth and bowed low before her, getting a wonderful view of those -
"...beautiful jugs! - Don't you agree, Mr. Darcy?"
Darcy looked up at Mrs. Bennet, straightening himself. "I'm sorry?"
"The jugs on the mantelpiece. Aren't they handsome?"
"Not as handsome, if I may be so bold as to say so, as that which you are fortunate enough to possess," he announced, looking pointedly at Miss Elizabeth as he congratulated herself on managing to compliment a pretty woman in her presence.
Miss Elizabeth Bennet blushed, and bowed to him. He smiled benignly down at her -
"...marvelous hills!"
"Yes, I thank you, Mr. Bingley, I have often thought so. Hertfordshire is a very beautiful county. You are fortunate in your choice, I think."
"I believe I am all the more fortunate for having discovered Miss Bennet," went on Bingley gallantly, smiling at the blushing eldest Miss Bennet. "And I should consider myself more fortunate still if Miss Bennet were to declare herself not engaged for the next two dances."
That was a good idea! Darcy turned to Miss Elizabeth, and bent over her hand, forcing himself to look up at her face, and not her -
"...gorgeous breasts."
Darcy started, and stared at the eldest Miss Bennet incredulously. No, he must have heard her wrong...He turned back to Miss Elizabeth, and applied for the honour of her hand in the next two. She agreed, and he kissed her hand impulsively, not quite closing his eyes as he stared at her -
CASE 2
"Mr Wickham, may I introduce Miss Bennet, Miss Elizabeth Bennet, Miss Mary Bennet, Miss Catherine Bennet...and Miss Lydia Bennet."
Wickham passed his eyes over them all one by one...God, that one in front is a brazen little hussy...His eyes rested on Elizabeth's body, and he had to catch her breath. What on earth was the girl thinking, to be wearing a dress so low-cut? Not that he was complaining...He offered his arm to her, after bowing to them all in such a manner as allowed him a perfect view of her full thorax. She smiled and looked down with a becoming blush, and he was able to look down with an ABSOLUTELY PERFECT view of her -
"...heaving roll of flesh!"
Wickham turned to catch the meaning of the ladies in front of him - Miss Catherine and Miss Lydia; and he supposed from their mild hysteria and the direction of their eyes that they were making fun of the discomfiture of the overweight, toady man travelling with them as he heaved and panted. Had he just been doing a lot of exercise? But Wickham would be a fool indeed if he let himself be distracted from the voluptuous body of the lady beside him. He looked down to admire the firm, copious flesh that the dress revealed, and felt himself to be in heaven...
CASE 3
Ah. Eldest = engaged. Darn.
David Attinburgh-style voiceover - close-up on Mr. C: We see the Mr. Collins looking around for his next prey, having lost hope of catching the first. Notice the twitching of the nose and the slight increase in sweat production as he studies each of the females.
Two youngest. WARNING - WARNING - WARNING - EXTREMELY SILLY
Next. AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH NNNNNNOOOOOOO.
We remember that the Mr. Collins as a species, and in particular this one, are very keen on the physical side of the mating ritual.
Only other option = Miss Elizabeth Bennet. Ah...!
Ah, yes, this is certainly the one! The Mr. Collins closes in...
Ooh, big bust. Lovely. Much nicer to look at than the eldest.
...And by the time the Mr. Collins has reached his prey...
"Cousin Elizabeth! - Will you do me the honour of walking into town with me?"
Ooh, lovely sensual body. Mmm.
...He is in love.
CASE 4
"Colonel Fitzwilliam, this is my cousin, Miss Elizabeth Bennet, of Longbourn, Hertfordshire."
Mmm, nice bit of woman. Fitzwilliam smiled as he greeted her. Actually, she's a nice lot of woman. I bet she'd keep me warm on those cold nights in the barracks...If only she had a lot of money...!
"How much does her father's estate get?" he asked Mr. Collins surreptitiously.
"A clear two thousand a year."
Things were looking up!
"And has she many sisters?"
"Four."
Things were dropping again...
"...and the estate is entailed away to me."
Things were at the bottom of the barrel. However, always an optimist, the Colonel merely smiled and chatted away to her, letting his eyes rest on her very low neckline, which clearly displayed each lovely...
"...melon, Colonel?"
The Colonel choked on his tea.
LESSON
Never, never, NEVER, jut your cleavage out at random male members of your acquaintance.