Posted on Monday, 11 June 2001

Author's Note: Jimmy does this once every year for no reasonable explanation.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Austen boards:

Back up your files.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, backing up would be it. The long-term detriment of not backing up your files has been proved by other authors on the board, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own maddening experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of being able to retrieve your stories at will. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of being able to do so until a virus wipes your hard drive clean. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at your old disks in a way you can't grasp now how much love you put into these creations and how fabulous your stories really are.

Your stories are not as bad as you think.

Don't worry about the ending; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve how to make Lizzy fall in love with Darcy fresh and new for the readers for the 1154th time. The real troubles in your chapters are apt to be the subplots that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindsides you at 3 am on some manic Monday.

Do kill one character. If only to scare the living bejesus out of your readers.

Spell check.

Don't be reckless with the original plot. Don't put up with people who steal yours.

Grammar check.

Don't waste your time on what color Lizzy's eyes are. Sometimes they're blue, sometimes they're brown ... the story is long, and in the end, it's up to you.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the trolls. If you succeed in doing this, e-mail me on how. Keep the first version of your stories. Throw away those extraneous scenes with the pond.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know where to go in the middle of a story. The most interesting tales in the archives don't have a decided arc, and some of the most interesting stories that are being posted still don't.

Get plenty of coffee.

Be kind to your fingernails. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe Anne De Bourgh will marry, maybe she won't. Maybe Emma will have children, maybe she won't. Maybe Caroline will divorce at 40, maybe Fitzwilliam will dance the funky chicken on Darcy's wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either. Your ideas are half chance, so are everybody else's.

Enjoy your plots, examine it every way you can ... don't be afraid of the ending, or what other people think of it. It's the greatest bang for a buck you can possibly create.

Write tender love scenes, even if you have nowhere to post it.

But read the rules of austen.com, even if you don't understand English.

Do not read Harlequin Romance novels, they will only make you feel stupid.

Get to know your spouses. You never know when they'll become sick of you spending too much time on-line.

Be nice to your parents; they pay the damn bills so you can get on-line.

Understand that admirers come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in language and ideals because the older you get, the more you'll need your international friend in order to understand the Internet.

Live in Netherfield once, but leave before it makes you crazy. Live in Highbury once, but leave before it makes you mushy.

Cook.

Accept certain inalienable truths. Lizzy and Darcy will marry, Willoughby will philander, Marianne too will get old, and you'll fantasize that when you wrote, the plots were reasonable, the men were noble and you respected Jane Austen's original ideals.

Respect yourself.

Don't expect anyone to help you to write. Maybe you have a secret hoard of Beta readers. Maybe your husband actually reads the stuff you write, but you never know when either one might just give up and go outside to sit in the sun instead.

Don't mess too much with your characters' hearts, or by the time your story is posted, it will be helplessly confusing. Be careful whose replies you read, but be patient with those who post it. Replies are a form of praise, and are dispensed in a way to also give good grace to the repliers.

But trust me on backing up your files.