Chapter 1 Posted on Monday, 7 May 2001
During Elizabeth's stay at Netherfield hid er ... she spent as much time as possible in Jane's room. Though really they could never claim to be truly alone as they were often disturbed by the several thousands of maids Mr. Bingley sent to find out how Jane faired, they all came at intervals varying from five seconds to every two minutes. Elizabeth eventually had to (in the name of politeness) send a note by way if one of the numerous maids saying Jane was doing pretty well but requesting to send a letter to her Mother asking her to visit (to decide on the best course for Jane's health) Mrs. Bennet received it later that day which caused her immediately to pack herself and her two silly fools *ahem* I mean delightful younger daughters to see Mr. Bingley *coughs* rather to call on Jane to see about her 'health'. Once arrived they immediately went to see Jane since Mrs. Bennet was of course very 'concerned' about her health. She was assured she was well but being a huge liar er ... I mean an overly careful Mother she soon after made a point of imposing on er ... I mean asking Mr. Bingley,
"My daughter is so VERY very sick" *wink*wink* "So she most stay here as long as it takes for you to decide to marry her ... er for her to get well."
"Jane leave? Of course not. I ... rather my sister wouldn't want her to leave until she is well" responded good natured Mr. Bingley a big goofy grin on his face.
Miss Bingley responded in her aloof Ice Queen manner. With her elegant but snobby nose stuck in the air.
"Certainly she may stay and will be taken VERY well taken care of. But I really I am just saying this to be polite I don't want her to stay or really any of your low class family to be here but I will do what is proper and I am offended that you suggest that I would do otherwise, being as beneath me as you are."
Mrs. Bennet proceeded to do everything she could to brown nose to Miss Bingley save lick the bottom of her boots.
"You are all so wonderful, so good but how could you be otherwise being so very rich. I am so glad of your kindness since my daughter is so very sick " *wink*wink*" Of course she never complains because Jane is perfect so you should marry her Mr. Bingley as soon as possible. How about this evening? I could get a vicar, it would only take a quick note. Oh by the way. This is great home isn't it? You won't be leaving anytime soon correct? Otherwise how will Jane snatch you up?"
Mr. Bingley said "If I ever left I would be gone very quickly but I don't have any plans to do so anytime soon. Anyway I don't really think over my decisions. I just go wherever I please, whenever I please. So if I left it would be in say two seconds."
Elizabeth said, "That is what I would think you would do Mr. Bingley, because having such a keen understanding of human nature I of course can see through you and everyone."
Mr. Bingley said, " Am I that easy to see through?"
Elizabeth said with a smile, her pretty eyes sparkling in a particularly dazzling manner. "Yes"
Mrs. Bennet chimed in, "I didn't understand this conversation but well shut up, Lizzy, you might give Mr. Bingley a bad impression of us."(Ironic smile here from the reader)
Awkward pause then conversation continued as though Mrs. Bennet had never said anything.
Mr. Bingley said, "Is that a compliment? I am not sure I would hope I am not so stupid that I am easily seen through."
Elizabeth said, "Of course not Mr. Bingley. I like you. I think your quite intelligent and very sweet. Anyway you like Jane, which is enough for me to like anyone."
Mr. Bingley said, "Do you study everyone in this manner or just me?"
Elizabeth said, "I study everything that either a)makes me laugh b) I find interesting or intelligent. Insert compliment for Bingley here."
Mr. Darcy cuts randomly in the conversation departing from his usual hobby of studying Elizabeth's pretty eyes,
"Wouldn't you find this a difficult study as there is a small population of people in country so therefore not as many different sorts of personalities to observe? P.S. How can you find ANY people that are interesting or intelligent to study in the country?"
Elizabeth said, "One person can go through so many changes in their life in maturity, intelligence, emotional states that you can always find something new and of interest in them. So therefore it matters little if you study three or thirty. P.S. you are a snob."
Mrs. Bennet says, "Hey! There is as much of that um ... stuff going on in the country as in the town. Once again I don't understand what is going on but since you at one point insulted Lizzy I am going to say something really stupid in an attempt to insult you."
Everyone thought Mrs. Bennet was an idiot, but didn't respond out of politeness. Darcy just went and stared through the window, hiding his annoyance in his usual
manner(not very well.)
Mrs. Bennet said a great deal of things that no one cared about or understood, "Nonsense, chatter. Country is good, city bad. You like it here don't you Bingley? "
Mr. Bingley said, "I like the country, I like the city. I well ... like everywhere and everything."
Mrs. Bennet said, "More nonsense. Insert compliment to Bingley here. Insert insult to Mr. Darcy here."
Elizabeth blushing, "MOM you're embarrassing me!! You don't understand anything Darcy said. Explanation that goes in Mrs. Bennet's left ear then floats out the right."
Mrs. Bennet keeps talking, "Continues to chatter and says the most stupid thing that comes to mind. Something about four and twenty families. Everyone, reader included rolls their eyes in response."
Mrs. Bennet was confirmed as the biggest idiot on the planet, so much so that even good-natured Bingley could hardly keep from looking disgusted. Evil Miss Bingley didn't care about Elizabeth's embarrassment and made it obvious how disgusted she was to Mr. Darcy (once again trying to get on his good side and failing miserably) Elizabeth then attempted to change the subject by bringing up Charlotte.
Mrs. Bennet's mouth continues moving, "Complimenting William Lucas more insults to Darcy."
Elizabeth quickly responds, " I am going to change the subject by mentioning Charlotte again."
Mrs. Bennet continues to humiliate her children, "You know Charlotte is very ugly, well not really ugly she doesn't have hunch back but close enough to being hideous as to show superiority of MY daughters."
Mr. Bingley comes to the rescue, "I most come to her defense. I think she is nice!"
Mrs. Bennet yaps, "But MY Jane is better! Story about man courting Jane with poems to attempt to show you that you might have competition so you better hurry up and marry her."
Elizabeth returns to her silly self, "So ended his love for Jane. I wonder if anyone has written about the ability of sappy poetry to drain love away."
Mr. Darcy as this all went on stood staring *ahem* I mean watching Elizabeth since he couldn't help but be mesmerized by the charms of her sparkling dark eyes with long pretty eyelashes. He was about to get out a piece of paper and attempt to sketch them, though he was certain he could never do them justice, when he saw her mouth move and slowly the realization of words hit his brain. So he figured responding instead would be a rather good idea,
"What do you mean? Most people think that poems create stronger love rather than destroy it."
Elizabeth said in playful tone of voice, "Of a real love it does because cheesiness or sentiment won't affect the already strong foundation of it. If it is just a 'crush' than I am sure it is flimsy enough that the sentimentality of poetry will cause the reader to gag rather than fall madly in love."
Darcy smiled(A Darcy thin lipped smile= Elizabeth you are very intelligent and I am growing to like you a great deal.) More awkward silence making Elizabeth nervous that her Mother might say something stupid but couldn't think of anything to say. Finally Mrs. Bennet continues to brown nose to Mr. Bingley. Finally Mrs. Bennet's twin er Lydia (who was a pretty, spoiled, fifteen year old girl with a huge ego. Hmms who has ever heard of a spoiled teenager?) Harassed *ahem* asked Mr. Bingley for a ball.
Mr. Bingley said, "Sure, sounds like fun. Lets wait until Jane is well so I can dance with her all night."
Lydia said, "I don't really care whether or not Jane is there just as long as there is tons of cute guys in red coats ... like that would be awesome!"
The whole pack of morons ... er ... Mrs.Bennet and her daughters left, which caused everyone to sigh with relief. Elizabeth went upstairs to take care of Jane/hide. While she was gone Caroline spent the rest of the night insulting Elizabeth and her family. Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley didn't participate, being both much nicer people.
Please Note: Referring to Chapter 9 of Pride and Prejudice.
Aloof, Ice Queen phrase stolen er ... taken from Bridget Jones Diary by Helen Fielding.