Posted on Sunday, 8 July 2001, at 6:37 a.m.
Authors Note: This is so silly. Okay I'll see what kind of response I get before I decide to save this huh? I just needed something to get the creative juices flowing I haven't really proof read it either ! And anyone suggest a better title? Or a description for this?Disclaimer: No offence intended to any of the Dwiggies whose names or stories I use here. Its all meant in fun I'm not trying to steal your stories/characters or put words in your mouths. References to all my stories pretty much, so if you aren't a reader of stuff I do this will make no sense to you.
The Beginning
"Look I'm seriously looking for another job." There was a long pause as the person on the other end spoke. "Yes seriously. I have even bought the trading post! I've circled the available positions." There was another long pause and Ash started turning red. "What do you mean you don't think there are many jobs out there for me?"
Minutes later Lord Upton, dripped into the same room. He was talking on a mobile too - you know men love to live dangerously. It became apparent to the two occupants in the room, that they were actually speaking to each other.
"Well old chap, you are a little on the podgy side, and face it since I was dreamed up you haven't been getting many of the good lines! I mean I'm the one who she has been swooning over lately."
Ash viciously closed his mobile, almost impaling himself with the aerial.
"Hey Hey Hey! I was here long before you! And if either of us goes, it will be you! Last hired first fired."
"But you have lost your charm old boy!"
"At least I had charm to begin with. You are nothing more than a big sook Miles!"
The men glowered at each other.
"Why are you dripping wet?" asked Ash suspiciously.
"Shem asked if I'd like to try out for a scene as a lifeguard."
" Shem is it...well she asked me to do the same thing. And I think we know who will end up getting that particular scene don't you?"
"Yes it will be me. You know how good I look in a wet shirt!" smirked Miles.
"Hey Hang on a minute I'm the one who looks good in a Wet Shirt!" came a third Voice.
"Darcy! Not you too!" cried Ash as he saw that his cousin was dripping wet too.
"Well she doesn't' give me any other good lines. In fact all she makes me do is act stupid or mad, or get self-righteous, I deserve to fall in that pool."
Miles and Ash conceded that point, which made Darcy rather ma, so they hastily assured him "But But But Darcy! You were the reason she loved Pride and Prejudice, without you we would never have existed!"
Darcy sat down dejectedly on a stool. "But now she loves you more than me!" he sobbed.
"It's not true I tell you! She's seen Bridget Jones Diary - she couldn't shut up about you!"
"Yes but she spent the entire train ride there shrieking "I have to look out for Bingles!"" Came a fourth voice, Bingley strode into the room manfully.
"Yes and apart from that she wouldn't know you existed!" laughed Ash.
"Oh really? Well she also loved me in the Uptown Girl Clip so there!" replied Bingley poking out his tongue.
"No she didn't." replied Miles.
"How do you know that?"
"She told me. She loved Ioan."
"Ioan? Who's Ioan?" said Darcy with a worried frown on his face.
"He was briefly Gilbert Keaton in The Missing Link - but don't worry he has gone away now." Replied Ash soothingly.
"Yes but she has more things planned for him later." Smirked Sir Christian joining the group.
"Well at least Bingley and him aren't wet." Pointed out Miles.
"Oh no I'm on my way to audition for that scene. And well she runs into writer's block over you - but well with me - I just write myself - hows that for a compliment . I think we all know just who is her favourite now don't we!" crowed Sir Christian.
"Not necessarily. She thought she wouldn't like Lord Holling, but now she does!" pointed out Bingley.
"To the point that she now has my fiancée! "
"How on earth is Kitty your fiancée! She is clearly mine..." replied Lord Holling entering inexplicably from behind a secret curtain.
"She isn't just yours she is Mr Collin's too!"
"Now Shem must have been on drugs when she thought of that!" said Sir Christian shaking his head.
"You're calling her Shem too!" shrieked Ash, "That's it I'm calling my agent."
"Ash you don't have an agent." Soothed Miles.
"Oh shut up Miles."
"Look we are all unhappy, aren't we?" asked Darcy looking around.
"I'm not" replied the last member of the happy band to come into the room - Lord Douglas. "She based me on a real life person."
"Yes the crucial word is based - I heard that she has now decided the real life counterpart is not worth her time - I'd be worried she might just I don't know drown you!" replied Lord Holling caustically.
Lord Douglas looked down shocked. He was dripping wet. "It's only the life guard scene! I'm supposed to be saving someone from drowing!"
"Yes but can you swim."
Lord Douglas looked panicked. "I don't know can I swim?"
"I'd be careful Dougie, she might start basing you on Mr Bush!"
"But she loves MR Bush!"
"But Mr Bush can't swim - and there is no Archie or Hornblower to save you now."
Lord Douglas looked pale. "You know its not right her having so much power. We should go demand a contract or something."
"Or something?" asked Bingley confused.
"Yes you are right! We should demand she choose one man and stick to him, and she should give him all the good plots and all the good lines and everything like that." Said Sir Christian lightening up.
"I thought you said you already were her favourite Christian." Smiled Darcy " a bit worried are you."
"No I just think it's best if she puts all you guys out of your misery."
The men glared at Sir Christian and then at each other and then stomped to the top of Pemberley Tower, because megalomaniac authors like the view.
The room was large with huge windows on either side, and a large desk sat in the middle. The desk and the large pampered chair dwarfed a petite brunette; paper, pictures and phones surrounded her.
"Oh No Amber a pampered Chef party sounds delightful - though do tell me what is the chef going to be wearing??" there was a pause and some nodding, as Shemmelle waved the men to the sofa in front of the desk.
"Oooooh that sounds lovely. I take it that was Julie's idea. But I have to go now something appears to have come up." She placed the receiver down.
"Yesssssssssssssssss?"
"We are a deposition." Said Bingley
Shem arched an eyebrow. "A what?"
Darcy rolled his eyes. "He is so used to you putting stupid words into his mouth he means we are a delegation."
Shem nodded. "Of what":
"Disgruntled Sex Symbols of Shem's universe."
Shemmelle burst out laughing. "Sex Symbols! Oh don't be silly you aren't Sex Symbols! You are fictional characters, most of you were made up by me!"
Ash jumped to his feet. "Now look here, I was here first, you by rights should love me most and give me all the best lines."
Miles jumped up. "But I was the last created, so obviously I'm the most perfect you should love me most! And I think I do get the best lines."
Sir Christian stood up. "I'm outraged! I'm a rake, all women love rakes, in fact 99% of Romance Novels have rakes in them - and since that is all you have been reading lately , it's obviously you love me most!"
Lord Douglas stood up alarmed. "Now look I know my real life counterpart is a bit of a ding dong and wouldn't know a good thing, ie you, if it hit him over the head, and incidentally have you tried that as a way of getting attention? You really shouldn't punish me for him! I mean I've evolved! I'm nothing like him anymore! And I'm MUCH better then these poor excuses of individuals!"
Lord Holling pushed his brother out of the way. "Now I no I'm supposed to be the stupid one! But I'm not really! I've read Austen! All the way through! What kind of Man does that! A real Man! And well I'm honourable, and kind, and I've beat up Collins!"
"Hey Hey I did that first!" countered Lord Douglas.
"You got drunk! I did it while I was sober!" said Lord Holling dramatically.
"Hold it hold it!" yelled Darcy standing up. "I'm the one and only sex symbol here. I've been one for almost 200 years! You boys have nothing on me!"
Bingley tried to gain attention by jumping up and down. "Now look I know I'm just a nice guy! A bit like a golden retriever really! And I haven't had all that much attention over the years, I've been dwarfed by an awful man. " Bingley paused seeing Darcy glaring at me.
"I mean awful, as in you are full of awe! Not awful as in you are horrible....damn it I feel like the Pirate King in Gilbert and Sullivan. Often Orphan, Often, Orphan. Hey Wait I have intertextuality! I deserve your love the most. And I know how you feel about underdogs Shem!"
"Hey Hey Hey wait a minute. I have a band of admirers!" said Miles. "I have it on good authority that Erin loves me and Julie Loves me and Elli loves me...though in a maidenly aunt kind of way - I'm really not sure why that is, but if she wants her fantasies then hey!"
"Hey Hey! People love me too you know!" Cried Ash. "I have just as many admirers as you."
"Name Six." Said Miles.
Ash was stumped. "You're been watching too much Yes Prime Minister! Alright Name Six...well there is Erin and Julie and Elli."
"They love me."
"Alright then...I'm sure Kate loves me...and er....well....um.....Spring....no Spring likes thinking up ways of Killing Mr Collins...ummmwell I can't quite remember, but I know they are out there."
"Really like the X-Files huh? The Truth is out there"?"
"Oh Shut up Miles."
"Well Women like me!" said Sir Christian "I'm a rake."
"Women don't TRUST you!" said Darcy forcefully.
"No No Women love me." Replied Sir Christian forcefully.
"Name Six." Replied Bingley.
Suddenly the door burst open and Wickham strolled in. "Sorry I'm late but this new niceness program Shem has me on had me busy with the homeless, and well I hate to say this Darcy but it's me women don't trust."
"Well that doesn't make them love Sir Christian." Replied Darcy clutching at straws.
Ash looked crushed. "She lets you call her Shem too?"
"Look its obvious who she likes. She likes me." Replied Bingley. "she hasn't made me do a nasty thing ever or anything that would make audiences think less of me"
"I've never been nasty!" said Ash.
"No you have been stupidly male. And that's worse!" replied Darcy.
Lord Holling stamped his foot. "Now look here Darcy just because you think you are 200 years old doesn't mean you can throw your weight about!"
"Lord Holling, you are a pointless character, you are on dangerous ground, if Shem lost you, no one would notice!" replied Darcy.
"Darcy I hate to tell you this but in the current story if she lost you no one would notice." Said Wickham tactfully.
"Yes a lot of people seem to be losing you recently ..." said Bingley snickering.
Darcy glowered. "Yes well Elli is writing a very good story, I don't mind laying down my life for a good narrative. At least I went out with a bang!"
"Unlike old Wiccky here huh?" joked Lord Douglas.
"Hey Hey Hey! She made people cry with that story! I think it's very impressive that she made me, own of Austen's most hated villains, sympathetic in that story! It shows how much she likes me!" replied Wickham happily.
The door flung open. IT was Ricky.
"I'm Colonel HOTPANTS, HOTLOINS, STUDMUFFIN FITZWILLIAM! How dare I not be informed when a meeting of sex symbols is arranged!"
"Ricky. You are not a sex symbol, you are an overblown ideal in the minds of DWGGIES - for gods sake you aren't even in the book that long and you are called unattractive!" replied Ash acidicly.
"Hey Hey Hey I was played by Anthony Calf - I'm attractive. And you my big brother struck it good with Shem, Most fan fic have you as a most unattractive character!"
Ash glowered.
"Actually I think Shem did that too!" said Sir Christian smirking at Ash.
"Why does everyone call her sHem!" wailed Ash.
"Look here. Now that I've shown up late I demand to be given a better script. I mean in the last one I was shot. Do you understand how upsetting this is for my adoring fans when their god is shot?"
"Oh put a sock in it!" cried Miles.
"Oh be quiet Miles, you were supposed to be a one line mention! And I know how you got a bigger part so you just be quiet."
"RICKY" shrieked Darcy. "This is a PG SITE!" Then Darcy paused. "God Damnit! She's making me a prude again! And what is it with this swearing! Why make me a prude who swears like a sailor I don't understand it."
"She's trying to give you some character - a very difficult task" soothed Bingley maliously.
"Oh be quiet you over-excited little puppy!" cut in Lord Holling.
"Don't; talk to Bingley like that" replied Ash.
"Don't' talk to my brother like that" huffed Lord Holling.
"Hey Hey Don't talk to Ash like that he is very sensitive you know!" replied Miles.
"Miles I don't need your championing of me."
"RIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHT SHUT UP!" came a shriek. They had all forgotten that there were performing for an audience.
"What a lot of prima donnas! Ooooh I don't have a big enough part. Ooooh I don't have the girl...oooh I have a few character flaws. Oh get over yourselves."
"You Ash, are like my first born. A true gentlemen which is why you can't call me Shem, you wouldn't feel right about it."
"I wouldn't?"
"No you wouldn't. And of course you get the girl in the end, have I ever disappointed you?"
"Well there was the whole Rawdon episode.... but yeah I guess." Ash ended looking sheepish.
"Now Miles. You are my last created, you have many more flaws then the rest of the characters combined, but that is why I like you, and why maybe possibly a few of my readers like you too.....but don't be so egotistical you have been trumped by Belle many a time."
Miles hung his head.
"Now Sir Christian - yes you do write yourself, but you are basically a sub-plot. A good sub-plot but a sub-plot, but that is what I love about you."
"Wickham. Making you nice was a fluke. IT was also a whim. Get over yourself, you have been sold to body-snatchers in other stories!"
"Lord Douglas, as nice/sexy as you are, you are basically a chorus player, that's the job that suits you to a tee, so revel in it!"
"Lord Holling. I love your work as the bumbling Hugh Grant, when not being Daniel Cleaver, type. But that is what you will always be, you might get the girl...but well...you will always be a bumbler."
"Ricky Ricky Ricky. You are in one episode out of six, statistically that's not good, you may have captured the imagination but prima donna shenanigans will not do! And if I want to shoot you I will shoot you am I making myself clear. "
"Bingley. Bingley Bingley...so cute...yet....so golden retriever like. You are the side kick. And I'd be careful cute blonde sidekicks seem to get misplaced sometimes, have a talk to Archie Kennedy on your way out, I'll give you his number."
"And Darcy what can I say about you! Its so hard to write an Austen original, and well as a writer, what can I say I just can't cut it, I'm sorry but well you can't be a major character, because you were too much of a major player in the real thing, especially in the movie, if only you hadn't fallen into that pond."
"Damn I knew I should have written that no-pond clause into the contract sooner!" exclaimed Darcy.
"Now does that soothe your fears. Now get back to work."
"Just one more question???" said Ash tentatively
"What is it?" asked Shem.
"Er who gets to do the lifeguard scene?"
Shem groaned and hit her head on the desk.
The End.
P.S can you tell now why MIAMEMSM has been hard to write lately? Also if anyone wants this achrived maybe they could think of a description for it?