Jump to new as of June 3, 2002
Jump to new as of June 10, 2002
Posted on Tuesday, 8 January 2002
There could never be a man as perfect as my husband. Every night in my bed, I look over at his handsome form, and wonder what I did to deserve him. When I first met him, I thought myself unromantic, I thought I would never find love, but soon he began to capture my heart through a witty story about his noble patroness and her chimney piece, and, soon after, proposed - I hesitated, I nearly rejected him (horror of horrors) - but he kept on, refusing to accept the rejection, knowing me better than I knew myself, and I looked deep into his eyes, and saw the humility and kindness in them behind the pomposity, and I had to change my mind. Marrying him has introduced me into the best of society - for we dine with a titled Lady nearly every day of the week, and he delights us all with his flattery. But far more wonderful is the love we share every night.. Oh, never, never was there such a man, and though many misunderstand my love, no love can be truer than the love of Charlotte for William Collins.
From the moment I met my William, I knew I was in love. my unromantic notions flew out the window, and I knew he, and he alone, was the only man I could ever be happy with.
But he loved another, my best friend, Elizabeth. My heart fell, I knew not what to do - but then Elizabeth told me that she stupidly did not love him!! I was overjoyed! At every chance I could, I attempted to inspire in him the love that was in me. But he is steadfast and loyal - he could not but give Elizabeth, whose family he is to take Longbourn from much to his guilt and sadness - every chance. But she threw it away. And my heart selfishly rejoiced.
He left the house - I was there - I took him for a walk, and confessed my love, I fell to my knees, and pleaded with him,. I told him how long I had loved him... he was in shock. Then, I clutched at his hands, and electric sparks flew, and suddenly I realised - he loved me as well. Only his duty to the Bennets and his modesty kept him from declaring is love sooner. He fell to his knees next to me, and declared his love in turn. I embraced him, the happiest of all women at that moment and ever after. He took my hand, and we ran for my house, to gain my father's consent.
Father thought the idea capital, quite capital, and was delighted to see me, who he had never thought capable of such deep emotions, so in love. We danced out of the house, needing to be alone with our love, now that nothing could prevent it. Propriety? What is that to two in love as deeply as we? We came to a secluded glen, and he took out a page of complements he had written long ago... I saw they were written to me, and my heart rejoiced.
"How could I have ever proposed to Cousin Elizabeth, had I but known I had any chance with you? You, dear Charlotte are more worthy than even my noble patroness, the Lady Catherine de Bourgh, more valuable even than Rosings - in which the chimney piece alone cost -"
I ran my hands through his beautiful, thick, and, admittedly, rather oily hair, as I had wanted to do from the moment I saw him. The look of happiness that spread onto his face stopped one of his compliments mid-stride. You may wonder why I did not grow upset at this - but I knew I could get him to continue later, and I am a woman with needs! I reached around him and wiped off my hands on the seat of his trousers, giving a slight squeeze and pulling him towards me. His face grew crimson as he blushed becomingly, and the sheet of paper he had been reading the complements off of fell to the ground, as we embraced. I unbuttoned his waistcoat - his shirt - I ran my hands up and down his chest and beautiful round belly. He moaned with pleasure. I knew I could not wait until the wedding, but he gathered all his strength and stopped me, tears flowing down his face from the effort.
Oh, Charlotte... I know not how we will last until we are finally wed! But I am of the clergy, and we cannot, must not give in to these feelings that even now urge both of us to mortal sin. But my body, my mind, my soul, pines for you. We must write Lady Catherine for advice by express."
I attempted to follow the urgings of this, the most wonderful of men, and control my lust until we could gain the advice of that most intelligent of women. We wrote the letter - I added my heartfelt plea to her, throwing myself upon her benevolent mercy, and my love went to send it off. I went to my room alone, pining for him.
Elizabeth came by. She had heard of our plans to be wed, and could not understand what she had passed up. I could not break her heart by revealing to her that she had passed up her chance at the most wonderful of all men - I recalled what I had long believed, and now know to be so very false - that happiness in marriage is purely coincidental. I knew Lizzy could read emotions like a book... but I tried my best to conceal my passion - and said it. She tried to argue me out of it - tried to argue me into the mistake she had made. I told her that she and me were different, and that her expectations were much different than mine. For she, at the time, looked well on her way to being an old maid, whereas I had found my hero, my only love... my William.
Catherine condescended to advise, and stated that the only way was to keep separate until the wedding. We cried, but knew it must be so. With a last kiss, embrace, cuddle... We forced ourselves apart once more, and tearfully said adieu until the wedding. William read to me her compliments on my intelligence and good sense for coming to her for my advice, and I told him to tell her that I should always take any advice she might give. Then, we parted.
The day of my marriage, we went to Hunsford, my new home. He showed me the marvelous shelves, that Lady Catherine herself had advised on the manufacture of. But, as great as Lady Catherine's achievements are, I had waited long enough. I leaned back, resting my back against some linen, and grabbed his collar, pulling his face to mine, and causing him to topple forward onto me. His paunch weighed heavily upon me - but I did not care. He looked at me in surprise, blushed, and leant his face down and kissed me. I unbuttoned his shirt... and then....
Elizabeth had married Darcy, and, according to popular opinion, was blissfully happy. Unfortunately, popular opinion is very wrong. For Darcy soon returned to the somewhat reserved man she had learned to dislike. And all that staring. It was romantic at first, but she was getting a bit paranoid. Her thoughts drifted back to her first proposal. How right he was.... Oh, Collins....
They were to visit Lady Catherine, a woman she now admired, for trying to keep her from making such a mistake. She was still hostile of course, as she had every right to be, but she had encouraged Darcy to make up with her, even at the expense of herself, so that she might visit... Collins...
Ah, Collins! How she missed him - his large form would give her so much more to love than Darcy's slender one, and his manly sweat....
But there was the slight problem of Charlotte. Well, she could tempt him away. She must.
Meanwhile, up at Rosings....
"Richard Fitzwilliam. Now that Darcy has married that dreadful Bennet girl, it is up to you to marry Anne. You know that it is the only right and proper thing."
"I'm sorry Aunt Catherine - I cannot. I love another. I would fulfill your every wish if I could, but I could not do such a thing, and be so near the one I truly love!"
"Richard Fitzwilliam! Never have you disobeyed me before! And all over some girl, no doubt of ill-breeding - some fortune hunter. who is her name - I must know. I will talk her out of this nonsense!"
"Aunt Catherine... it is.. you. I have long known I have loved you, but never thought I could tell you."
Lady Catherine blinked. "Why, Richard... We shall be married in six months, by special licence. I shall wear white - Sir Lewis need not count."
"Oh, Lady Catherine......" replied Richard, beaming.
Whilst Darcy was at Rosings, Lizzy slipped out to see her 'friend,' Charlotte...
"Cousin Elizabeth. I'm sure Charlotte, a woman most worthy for having won the infinite treasure of my love, will be most gratified to see you.
"Oh, but Collins, it's you I wanted to see?"
"Ah, so you came for good moral grounding. Very well. It is my belief that marriage is a state of infinite joy and bliss -"
"No! I came to break some morals! Come to me, big boy!"
"Cousin Elizabeth, we are married -"
"Elizabeth! What are you doing to my husband?" cried Charlotte, entering.
"She appears to believe that I -"
"Shut up, Collins. I'll take care of the -" The end of this sentence was silenced by Charlotte slapping her.
"How dare, you, Elizabeth! You made your choice, and now you have to live with -" another slap, in the opposite direction.
"Yeah? Well he asked me first! How does that -" A third slap. Further conversation was lost in a great number of slaps.
"Now, girls, It is my opinion, formed by my own ingenious brain and the advice of the noble Lady Catherine De Bourgh -" began Collins. Unfortunately, his nervousness had made him especially greasy and sweaty. The two women couldn't resist - they pounced, and began to tear at his clothes.
"Mr. Collins! I have become engaged to Richard here. You will arrange the wedding for six months time." stated Lady Catherine.
"But Lady Catherine I was under the impression that in the noble and hallowed traditions of the church, such a marriage might be looked on with disfavour, and might not be permitted?"
"Of course it is allowed. I said it was. I will put you in charge of arranging the details."
"Yes, Lady Catherine. I shall do everything in my humblest powers to please you and your noble husband." A very small shaft of jealousy escaped Collins' eyes to land on Richard, but it was quickly suppressed. Any feelings for Lady Catherine were past. Charlotte - and perhaps Lizzy in tandem - was - er, were, his only loves.
"Oh, Catherine! I love it when you're masterful!"
Lizzy and Charlotte stopped glaring daggers at each other for a moment to run to the privy and throw up.
Lady Catherine was slightly displeased at Richard, but kept silent on that for now. "Very well, I expect you are quite busy, judging by the large tears in your waistcoat and shirt, so I shall leave you now." Lady Catherine grabbed Richard by the ear and left.
Back at Rosings...
"All right, boy! You were a very bad boy to call me Catherine instead of Lady Catherine. You must be punished!"
Richard trembled, and watched her with wide eyes...
"Wickham!" roared Darcy, "What are you doing here? Didn't we get you a commission in Newcastle!"
"Yes, and I exchanged it for this much more amiable one in Kent."
"You must go back."
"I'm afraid the commission in Newcastle's already been refilled. Some coal miner, I believe."
"Wickham - how can you stand there smiling like that, after all you did to ruin my life and the lives of everyone I love?"
"I never tried to hurt you."
"Wickham!"
"Oh, I'll admit it, I was angry when you refused me the priesthood, and it was a long time before I saw you were right. But Georgiana -"
"Miss Georgiana to you!"
"Has our childhood been so completely forgotten? Have you forgotten how close we were?"
"After what you did -"
"All I did I did in order to be nearer to you, or to protect you. When you said we could no longer meet, it broke my heart -- I was foolish, I tried everything, even to trying to get the living at Kympton - I needed to be near to you.... I thought maybe if I married Georgiana, then someday, you would change your mind - I was a fool, I know - but then you went after that woman. After all we did together, can you honestly tell me that you could be happy with someone like her? Perhaps I went too far to try to split you up, but I believe I thought only of you."
"I... I thought it was vicious propensities.... It hurt, to be seemingly betrayed so by one I loved...."
"The only vicious propensities I have involve what I'm going to do to you when I get you alone...."
"George!" cried Darcy, and ran into Wickham's arms.
At that moment, a meteor crashed into Rosings, and should have killed everyone. Sadly, the author forgot about how much of the meteor would burn up in the atmosphere, and a chimney-piece and part of the ceiling were all that were damaged. However, the author suggests that we just pretend they're all dead. It's better for our sanity.
"Oh, Charles!" cried Jane with obvious lust.
"I'll be right in, Jane. Farmer Thompson's just showing me how to properly..." loud bleating drowned out the rest of his statement. She gathered it was some traditional agricultural practice with sheep.
"All right, Charles!" She had the perfect husband. Loving, kind, good natured, and good with animals. She went to her bedchamber. Truly, Charles was her only love.