Part One: Leona on Love

Posted On: Saturday, 16 November 2002, at 11:49 a.m.

Leona sat in her study, dreaming quietly of Joao. Ah, the good times they had: having sex in public places, mooning her friends... Ah, good times! As she relived a particularly debauched moment, the door opened. She turned in terror.... Oh, damn. Him!

"Leona!" whined Colonel Fitzwilliam, "How could you do this to me? You've married the woman I love to that... that man, and... and I can't hate him! It's an impossible situation, living with her every day, seeing my brother Mark trying to take advantage of her... and my mother... Oh, I can't take it any more! And to make it worse, you wait so long between posts that I have to think about it over and over! What are you going to do about this? I... I am the hero, aren't I?"

"But, Richard, you must realise that without this time of suffering, called angst -"

"Angst? Angst? I'm tired of angst! If angst is watching the woman I love run off with a man who is worthy of her, whilst my whole family disrespects her, except my father, who is utterly powerless - How do you plan to get me out of this situation, anyway?"

"Er, I haven't really thought of that... I suppose I could always make William suffer a terrible accident." Leona's face developed an expression of pure evil.

"Gobble..gobble."

Leona's eyes grew wide, "Oh, great."

A large, colourful bird came strutting upon the scene. His long feathers trailed behind, but when the fowl saw the vision before him, he spread his fan of tail feathers --- a magnificent erect green and gold train adorned with blue-green eyes --- he was striking and he knew it! With flourish he strutted to her, flirtatiously bowing his head to show off the crest of short, erect feathers along his crown. The courtship had begun.

"Oh good grief," Leona muttered. She tried to turn her attention back to the impatiently waiting Colonel, but the peacock (for it was a peacock) would have none of it. He honked and he shrieked, making it impossible for them to ignore his presence.

From a distant corner, a shadowy figure lurked. A man (hardly a man, a boy really) slipped unnoticed from where he'd been hiding with a self-satisfied smile formed upon his handsome face, his green eyes narrowed towards an unaware Colonel Fitzwilliam and Leona. So, the overstuffed pheasant hadn't caused quite the scene he'd hoped for, but it had caused sufficient distraction from whatever that Torturess Leona had been planning, not to mention the Colonel looked fairly put-out. Not a bad thing.

Now to make his entrance. William Ashmore (for it was William Ashmore and no other) strolled towards them, and would have certainly caused Leona and the Colonel a fright by suddenly surprising them, but for that competitive Crescent-sheened bird, who warned the others of William's approach by more loud shrieking cries and honks.

"William Ashmore," the Colonel stated flatly.

"Colonel Fitzwilliam," William jealously eyed him.

Leona could only look back and forth between the two men.

"HONK!!!"

Oh, excuse me, the three men.

"Now see here, Leona," began William before he was cut off most rudely by the disobliging Colonel.

"No, you see here, Ashmore, I was here first! You'll have to wait your turn."

"Well, it's not like we don't all know why you're here! Come to sweet talk her into writing up your happy little ending, hm? Well, over my dead body! Wait! I mean, uh, Ahh!! I didn't mean that!"

Leona cackled, evil woman that she is.

"You ARE green, aren't you lad," scoffed the Colonel.

"Stay out of this, Fitzwanker! You know, Leona, no one is going to buy MY Julia romantically linked to this old fart! I mean, look at him and then look at me! I am playful, I am passionate, I make her laugh, I make her sigh, I make her lose her breath."

"YOU make her embarrassed!" interrupted Colonel Fitzwilliam bitterly.

"At least I'm not always STARING at her. I mean, who does that?! Look, Leona, I love Julia, how can you separate us?"

Leona started to answer, but the Colonel was quick to speak, "Love her! Humph, Puppy Love more like! You are just a boy, I am a MAN!"

"I DO love her, Colonel Can't-get-his-own-woman, which is more than can be said for you! You can't possibly love Julia like I do, YOU who've only just met her! From our cradles we have been intended for each other, and now, to be prevented by the upstart pretensions of a young woman without family, connections, or fortune! This is not to be endured! It shall not be!"

"Get a hold of yourself!" laughed Leona. "Dude, you're totally stealing lines from Pride and Prejudice."

"He is no gentleman, not surprising. Remember how he cheated in that race?" said the Colonel sidling up to the unfeeling Leona. "I think he is a bad influence on our Julia."

"OUR JULIA?!!," exclaimed an outraged William. "Look, look...do you see THIS?" William held out a very official-looking document. It had a gold seal and everything. "Here, Leona, read for yourself. You are ordered to write more William and Julia scenes and create another woman (NOT JULIA) to be a love interest suitable to the second son of the Earl of Matlock, by proclamation of the President of W.A.L.A."

William sneered at Colonel Fitzwilliam. "And it is a PRESIDENTIAL ORDER, Leona! Presidential! You cannot ignore THAT."

A bit miffed at having been forgotten, the peacock, a quarrelsome bird if ever there was one, strutted up and pecked the lot of them hard on their legs, couldn't they, especially THAT authoress, see that it was meant to be the star of the story.

Apparently not.

Very well, the oh-so-handsome bird stalked off with beak high in the air. There would be plenty of opportunities to make her regret that she had ever ignored him later.

One came to mind right now in fact. And he went with all grace and dignity to that other domain of domination and dementia otherwise known as the Season, that the angst vixen had set up so she could spread her evil ways. An area in which, unavoidably, he had had a small but memorable role in creating the havoc she so loved.

He entered of course through the main gate, which Saphrie hurriedly locked behind him. Passing the ever-bubbling cauldron of soup with no concern (it was not after all, peacock soup) his feathers ruffled with indignation as he suddenly found himself have to step over a sea of crumpled pieces of paper. His beady eyes regarded one suspiciously, surely that wasn't Leona drawn on one of them. His investigation was cut short as the latest addition to the pile caught him square in the eye, or one of his many eyes to be precise, and without further ado he stalked off to another area of the season, perhaps Almacks, this time he might be able to upset more than the one dance. And it wouldn't be a fashionable season without his appearance.

Lord Ethan Ellesmere, his Bigotedness, was the unhappy man who sat amidst the abandoned attempts of his work. For once he was taking a break from proposing to half a dozen people and insulting twice as many more to apply himself to a most serious and important task. It was Leona's birthday and if he was ever to have any chance of winning her for himself he must come up with a present worthy of her.

But how does one capture that much evilness on mere paper, and show it to best effect?
Not, of course, that it detracts from her beauty!

Hmm, the managers can't read my thoughts as well as delete me can they?

[It was at this point that Saphrie, looking down at him from atop her massive pile of tags, smiled fondly at her wayward character who insulted so much, yet knew so little. (Of what evil plans were in store) She could read his thoughts, yes, but she knew how much he wanted to give this present to Leona, so left him to it.]

The sight of the peacock gave Ethan the inspiration he needed! Something about the way it walked through as if it owned the place made him finally able to draw her and he took up his pencil.

A few minutes later and the masterpiece was well on its way, as was a frown making progress once more across the bigots face. There was still something missing! He let his mind wander onto one of his more favourite subjects to draw and soon found what he was looking for, he had been so blind. The paper, of a thick heavy quality, eminently suited for one of the esteemed name of Ellesmere, and future rank of Royal Duke to write on, would not be thrown at a peacock this time!

But she wasn't titled, how could one marry her?!

Oh yes, what was it he had heard her called? Torturess!

That solved that problem and he looked at his finished work with ever increasing happiness.

It was doubtful that all would look on the work with quite the same feeling. Oh, there was a certain something about it, that couldn't be denied. And it was very Ethanesque, which should make Leona honoured he had singled her out!

Leona was depicted, it's safe to say, in such glory as had never been seen before. There was a certain mad glint in her eye, which Ethan was proud to have captured, as she obviously sought out any nook or cranny to which angst had not been spread.

A snake was being crushed in her left hand, and the other bore a pot of paint triumphantly, while the front of her most elegant blue and silver ball gown was splattered with paint shades varying from navy blue to an elegant yellow. Other alarming details included the beak and peacock feathers her head had acquired. But the most blatant was that she had been given the huge feet and tail of a weasel, which even now protruded from her gown. It was this last detail of which Ethan was especially proud. Although he could not for the life of him think why, he knew how much Jonas meant to Leona.

"And in this way they can finally be together!" he said aloud, standing up and setting the masterpiece against the wall.

As his words echoed around he realised how quiet the Season had suddenly become. Ok, so there was an elopement, a duel, a curricle race, how many proposals, a few dances, numerous fights and infinite angsty moments going on at the moment, but that was no reason for Anders Street to be deserted at this hour.

The mush wasn't that bad that all had deserted them surely?

Then he remembered, as Ethan is a bit slow in the old thought processes, that there was a perfect reason it was so quiet. Leona had disappeared, so the characters over which she had influence had taken every advantage of it. No one knew where she had gone, but more than one suspected there was truth that she was being held up by business with other characters in that strange land called "Resonance."

Ethan shook his head and silently wished those characters luck in appealing to Leona's better nature. There wasn't much convincing evidence it appeared that often, and on that thought he dashed back to the duel to be ready in place for Leona returned.

If she found any characters had gone against her...

Meanwhile, that was uppermost in the mind of two certain characters, currently on a balcony, who would never be let alone. They were not taking a break and having a leisurely drive or walk or ride in her absence, but as minions of angst they had no choice but to keep at it.

Try as they might otherwise.

"Maria, you must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you!"

Maria let out a scream of anger, and taking her painting flung it at Edward, who dove deftly out of the way, but not before ruining his jacket with the splattering oils.

"Edward, NO! That's wrong!"

He looked at her puzzled. "But I do!"

She waved the paint-smeared script at him. "Look, not only is that unoriginal mush, but you are supposed to be telling me you're engaged to that b**** Miss Wodehouse. Plus, you change your mind that you love me every day remember?!"

Edward sighed, and assumed a look as if his best friend had just poured soup on their head for the purpose of entertainment.

"Of course," he said. "How could I forget that! But I am sick of having Saphrie and Leona make me appear dumb just to prolong angst!"

"You are! Did you not get the brain cell this morning?" Maria hissed. "If they found out."

"Any. Mush. Is. Bad," Edward chanted, as though brainwashed. Maria looked at him oddly, but nodded fervently as his eyes cleared again.

"Angst is all, remember!" She said, fighting to keep an edge of panic from her voice. "Imagine what Leona and Saphrie would do to us if we forgot that!"

He paced along the patio wondering how on earth to start. "I dread to think! You would have to flirt badly with a fan again and I... I..."

"Would have to get engaged to as many people as conceivably possible," Maria finished, eyeing her pots of paints thoughtfully. "But one is enough for now!"

Edward nodded, and didn't even look at his script long ago abandoned back in the parlour. He knew his lines too well.

'Lady Maria,' he began, formally, evenly. 'I am officially engaged to my cousin Miss Hannah Wodehouse.'

There was a pause. "Ah," Maria replied slowly, her cheeks burning in mortification.

The paint fight soon began in earnest, how it would grow to become a legend. Edward had by now bolted into the parlour. "I've had enough of you, Lord Auldridge!" Maria yelled, and began firing her pots of paint at him more violently, one by one. Both had forgotten it was a mere precursor.

"Well that's fine!" Edward retorted, the reply sounding rather muffled from behind the sofa. "We did brilliantly salvaging the friendship!"

"You were the one who ruined it!" Maria lashed out with words and hand as Edward came out and headed along to the fireplace. He ended up with a rather handsome streak on his lapels. He reached for the table.

It was empty.

"Hey! The script says there should be some paint here!" He looked round the room. "Oh never mind!" he grabbed one of Julia's especially priceless vases and launched the contents at Maria, a smile crossing his face as she ended up soaking wet.

Her eyes flashed. She poured a particularly splendid colour of navy into her hand and moved forward to colour Edward's face. She could see his point now, all this angst.

He grabbed her wrist and a short skirmish followed in which Maria, losing her balance, went tumbling to the floor after having caught onto Edward's jacket for balance. They landed just as Leona decided to appear from that strange land she went to occasionally.

"Perfect!" She cackled. "Now, I must run and get Andrew!"

Even in the awkward position they were in Edward and Maria looked at each other in alarm. It could have been that they were used to awkward positions by now, or that they had finally reached the limit.

"Andrew!" they both screamed in unison, and scrambled to their feet.

How silly of Leona that she had chosen to arrive via the balcony, now she was cornered as much as they had been.

"Got any of that paint left?" Edward asked.

"Of course Edward," Maria said. "Shall you attack first or shall I?"

Leona's eyes widened. "But why would you attack me?! Don't you love angst?"

Their eyes met in silent agreement over her head.

"No!" Maria said, and took the bright yellow that was to have been used on herself and threw it at Leona.

It caught Leona square on and she tried to run away. Edward caught her and held her fast, "accidentally" smearing paint from his hands on her to compliment the yellow.

Maria held another pot ready in case her author tried to make another move. And sure enough Leona broke free and headed for behind the couch as Edward had done before her.

They both threw paint that time. Two jets of lurid orange and green sailed threw the air to meet their target beautifully. Leona's gown, worn as a disguise to the other characters, was ruined, bright green on one half, orange on the other.

"Really, she should make up her mind if she wants to be Caroline or not," Edward pointed out.

"Even Caroline wouldn't have a complexion like that surely," Maria said.

It was true, Leona's face now resembled a muddied rainbow, in which seething eyes flashed at them. Finally, Maria realised, they could question her.

"Why?! Why all this angst?"

Leona shock her paint strewn head sadly at them. "You don't realise, angst is precious, angst will make everything more real when it's time for you all to make up."

"But we never will! Because you like us suffering so much!" Edward countered.

The evil gleam that Ethan had captured so well returned to her eyes. "And?!" she snapped. "Its FUN!! That's why!"

Cue evil laugh.

Cue another round of paint throwing in which both each side and the parlour came off the worse for wear.

"Now," Edward said through painted lips, to Leona, hair dripping with an inky black. They had reached an uneasy truce. "We have demands," Edward informed her succinctly. "Or we will have no more part in any angst!"

Leona raised a paint-encrusted eyebrow scornfully. "What makes you think you have any rights, there are other characters to make angst with!"

"Hah! But as dumb as me to just go along with it for the most part?!"

"True," Leona admitted.

They took her silence as a prompt to continue.

"A whole day where I can love Maria without changing my mind."

"A look that isn't misinterpreted."

"A day with me having the brain cell!"

"Just one occasion where I can show my hidden feelings for Jonas!" Maria said, despite everything, she knew her author had flawless taste in men.

Edward glared at her, she just shrugged and continued.

"Oh! And just once, can I punch Ethan?"

"Hey!" Edward said, more irritated. "We'd all want that perk."

Leona was silent, her face showing the torment she was going through. Their demands cut right at the roots of angst.

"I alone can't answer these demands," she said at length.

"Then someone get the manager," Edward said sarcastically. Of course, being dumb, he forget that Leona wasn't alone. Saphrie entered, glaring at her rebellious character for disturbing her.

The situation was swiftly explained.

"That's impossible!" Saphrie cried at the end, as she and Leona looked at each other in horror. "Not only do you dare show independent thought, but you forget angst is all!"

Edward and Maria paled, it was as the latter had said. For a brief, glittering second, it had seemed they could control their own fates. They were wrong.

"You will have to be punished," the voices of evil continued.

Edward sighed, and wished he had gone to be a second at the duel instead.

"Two weeks of pure mush for you both I think!" Saphrie said with an evil grin.

Their poor characters tried hard not to smile, this was just what they had wanted!

Then her smile faded. "Or not. I forget, that would be punishment for me, as I would have to write the stuff. No, in true Season masquerading as soap opera style it will have to be more drastic. Edward, you will lose your title of Marquis, as you are really a bastard son raised without objection by your mother, who is actually Ethan's sister. You will gain an extra four sisters through your father, who had a mysterious first wife that no one knew about, oh, and that's the mother of Mrs Bennet. You will be incredibly poor as Rameses will inherit and you will have to go work for Prinny as a cravat-tier.

Edward looked at her helplessly, ignorance really had been bliss.

"And finally, you will be already married with twin sons, even though you have never even thought about them before!"

Maria felt a surge of feeling, and wished she had some paint left. "How could you!" she accused Edward. "All this time you were supposed to love me!"

Edward turned to look at her. "It wasn't my fault, I didn't even know I married her! If you would let me explain.!"

Maria looked at him in burning anger. "Drunk as well were you?! Or was that what you told the last woman you professed to love!"

Saphrie smiled to herself, angst really was this easy. Edward and Maria would be no more trouble, for now.

It was duly decided that Leona would be able to come up for a more than fitting punishment for her own lost character. Ethan, of course, was offered by Saphrie if any help was needed.

Ethan.......>

The thought came to both Leona and Saphrie.

"You didn't leave him alone did you?!" Leona said, voicing it.

"Not exactly, he's with Jonas at the duel.aside from that he's alone"

"NOOOO! They'll kill each other!"

Saphrie had to remind herself that she didn't actually want Ethan dead.

"But Jonas can't shoot."

Leona laughed. "Ethan's not exactly easy to miss is he?"

Saphrie let that go unanswered, not only was it obvious, but there wasn't time.

"We can't let that happen!" she cried. "We need them for."

She snapped her mouth shut, there were other characters listening and she didn't want it all round Harpers that afternoon.

Without further delay they both vanished in that way Seasonites have that will mystify all characters.

After they have dealt with the duel, and, one can always hope, Ethan is dead, who knows where Leona or Saphrie will end up, their characters won't know either, but no doubt it will probably be somewhere to combat mush

"Wait... wait... hold on a moment, Maria!"

Maria continued to throw paint at him.

"Maria!"

"What! You've ruined my life! How could you...!"

"They're gone."

"So?"

"Noone's watching us."

"And...?"

Edward swept her into his arms, and an extremely large amount of mush happened. I have been lead to understand Abigail R. has been contracted to write it.