Beginning, Section II
Jump to new as of October 5, 2002
Hmm, Rick. Boy, am I besotted with this guy. I used to be so practical.
I found out a few things about him. He's a senior. A bit stupid, if you ask me, to change schools during the last year, just before finals. But, hey, who am I to criticize? The rumor is that he had no choice, though it doesn't specify why.
Agnes managed to find out for me that he likes to play volleyball and does it very well (source: his female classmates), has a charming English accent (same source), managed to bewitch the Russian witch, erm, teacher (how did he manage to do that??), is very sexy and good looking (source same as above - though I can see that for myself). Apparently there is a big wager going on (among the aforementioned ladies) as to whom he will invite to the Ball. Rumor says he's new in town, knows as good as no one outside school, so either he'll go alone or ask a classmate.
The Ball *giggle*. 100 days until the ball. Well, it should take place exactly a hundred days before the first final. Pssst, it's only 91 days. They're cheating once again.
Gah, what a terrible week. I'm always running late in the mornings, and in every possible hour.
And because of the half year, I lost count of tests, essays, questions etc. I long for the winter break.
And I wish I'd get those @#$^$#@ blue-grey eyes out of my mind. This is turning into an obsession.
And I didn't even see him the whole week. And I didn't even give him an answer about the dance. Bloody hell. I DO want to dance with him!
Will he ask me again? Or is he angry at me for not giving him an answer? What if he was avoiding me the whole week???
Dancing class again. He wasn't avoiding me! He didn't forget me! He likes me, he likes me!!!!! I hope.
It started as always few steps, a short repetition, boys to the right, girls to the left. Then, the choosing began.
And for me, it was relaxing! I knew I would have a partner! And a very agreeable one, to boot. See, I met Rick on my way to school, just in front of the gate. He caught up with me, though I didn't notice him until he spoke.
"You know that no answer is a positive answer?' I nearly jumped. I was thinking about him and dancing class, hoping he would ask me and then suddenly I heard his voice. It was unnerving.
"Oh, you startled me. Hello." I answered trying to decipher in his look whether he knew I was thinking about him.
Whether he knows I am falling for him.
Hopelessly.
"Hello. You know, I won't take a 'no' for an answer." He grinned. I smiled shyly in return.
"I would like to dance with you. Sorry for not saying that sooner." I felt awkward.
He beamed. "To hear that was worth the wait." This guy is incredible. Within 5 minutes he reduces me into a shy, giddy 5 year old, hoping for some candy.
"Well, then ma'am, may I have the honor of the next few dances?" I laughed at his excessive formality and together we walked into the gym.
Inside, I noticed a few students from the senior class - a sure sign the Ball was approaching. Frederick noticed them too.
"They probably decided they needed some practice."
"With the guys, it probably was their girlfriends or dance partners who decided they needed the practice." I said dryly. He laughed aloud. Did I already mention his laugh? Very pleasant to hear.
After class he asked me if I would like to go somewhere for coffee. I had meant to go shopping for books, but what the heck, books ain't rabbits, they ain't gonna hop away. Now Frederick on the other hand, he might. Cute little bunny that he is.
So I proclaimed my thirstiness and my immediate need for coffee and thus we found ourselves in a little bar near school, where I promptly ordered tea.
We sat and talked and talked. About everything and nothing. School, mutual friends, dancing, music, books. I even asked him if he had read Pride and Prejudice and he said that he had read it aloud for his mother. He didn't say why, but I felt that it was a sweet and caring thing to do.
Nothing too personal was said, only the little nothings, generally agreeable knowledge that gives one the feeling of comfort, safety, understanding and friendship. In this little bar, away from school friends and watchful eyes, I found myself at ease with him, and I like that ease. I like it very much.
Consequently, 3 cups of tea and 4 excursions to the ladies later, I glanced at my watch, exclaimed at the lateness of the hour and dashed away, without as much as a 'see ya'. So much for friendship and common politeness.
I jumped into the next tram nearly out of breath, hoping I'd catch the train in time. After all, my dad was on that train as well. Out of the window I could see Rick walking slowly out of the bar. I was too far away to see his expression, so I couldn't say what he thought. I'll have to do some 'splainin' the next time I see him.
He must surely think I had run amok.
Sunday morning. I'm laying on my bed trying to remember yesterday. Capturing it forever. I'm floating on air. Oh my god! Is it possible for me to burst? No, that's not very healthy. But so much joy is also not healthy.
He must feel some partiality towards me! Why else would he insist on dancing with me? And the coffee ehr, tea?
Monday. I was sitting near the window during my second break, doing my homework when Frederick approached me.
"Hello."
"Oh, hi, shhh."
"Homework?"
"Aha."
"Due?"
"Due in 5 minutes. Well, I'm nearly finished, I worked on it during last class." I wrote down some shabby ending to my otherwise perfect and fascinating French essay about the setting of my room and closed my copybook with a thump.
"Frederick, I'm sorry I ran away on Saturday. I didn't mean to." I stopped when I looked him in the eyes. They were as big as saucers.
"You ran away? When?"
"I meant from the bar. I had a train to catch. I'm truly sorry."
"Oh, don't worry. You didn't exactly run away. You just .... disappeared."
"Sorry." I mumbled. Stupid, stupid worthless trains. They only cause problems.
"I wanted to ask you something and you just... you were just gone. But I remember you saying goodbye." He then seemed to recollect something. "Did you say train?"
"Yes, I live outside Warsaw. I commute either by train or by car, with my family."
"I see. Your sins are herewith absolved." I beamed my most-gratified-and-happy-smile.
"You said you wanted to ask me something?" I asked, all eagerness.
"Yes, actually I did." He hesitated then gave a nervous smile. Frederick nervous???. "I still do."
I swear he was nervous.
"Would you..." Just then the bell rang. The stoopid bell had to ring of course at that exact second. End of break. Well, I'll be late. Oops. Sh*t. French. She always questions late people. And I'm not good at inventing plausible excuses in French. I scrambled from my bench, gathered my belongings, said to Frederick: "I'm sorry, gotta go. Meet you here next break." and as if Lucifer was chasing me, I made a mad dash towards the classroom, collided with a door, sailed a few meters, and massaging my sore arm I managed to get to my classroom seconds before Her Majesty the French Teacher. I sat down breathless. The teacher just grinned at my oxygen reduced state.
French passed in a blur. So did Agnes' ramblings. I couldn't concentrate, wondering what it was that Rick wanted to ask me.
After class I darted back to the window looking around for Frederick. And there he was, looking as handsome as ever and as nervous as before.
"I'm sorry." I should be good at apologizing right now. "My French teacher hates it when people are late and tends to question them. And the grades from those are never good."
"That's ok. But I'm becoming superstitious. I'll only try 3 times. I won't try a fourth."
"Ok. Shoot." I nodded my head solemnly, but couldn't stop grinning nervously. His nervousness was getting to me. Surely it can't be that bad? And I dislike being nervous. Which would explain my ever-present foul mood - I am just too nervous too often.
But that's neither here nor there.
Frederick looked like he was ready. He blurted out:
"Would you like to be my date?" My mind reeled. Surely he didn't mean the Ball? He continued: "I know it's a bit late to ask, actually too late to ask, but I couldn't do it earlier and I would very much like you to be my date." Mind reeled itself onto cloud nine. He was asking me to the BALL! Yaaaaaaaaahooo! Me! Tincy wincy lil' ole' me! Woohooo! I was so stunned I didn't even notice that I didn't say a word until a now extremely uncomfortable Frederick spoke again.
"A yes or no will suffice." I blinked and managed to shut my mouth. Of course I'll say yes! Just have to work on my stunned, shocked and frozen facial muscles to get them out of its stupor. Apparently Frederick misread my infernal struggle with my muscles for misgiving, because he continued. Still, couldn't concentrate much on his words, busy fighting with my muscles.
"I know it's very late, I should have asked you earlier, but earlier I didn't know you and then I assumed you were going with Jack." YES! Frederick, yes! My soul shouted those words, so my body finally complied and I managed to whisper a happy "Yes."
"Yes?" His eyes clouded and just then my mind clicked in.
"Jack? What Jack?" I asked perplexed. What the heck was he talking about??? Do I know any Jacks? Ouch, I do. Sh*t. Damn. But what does Jack have to do with the Ball?
"Well, Jack from my class. I know you sometimes play volleyball together during the long break. He was saying a while ago that he wanted to ask you to go with him. He didn't say anything until Friday, so until then I just assumed you were going with him."
I was shocked once more. Thank Heavens this was a long break. 10 minutes wouldn't have been enough.
"Jack wanted to ask me to go...? When?"
"I don't know. I didn't ask." Suddenly everything made sense. I looked sheepishly down to the floor. Of course he had. He tried at least 5 times. I didn't notice at the time that he had meant to ask me. I just went off dreamily, not really noticing him. At one time I even started humming I could have danced all night in the middle of his sentence and waltzed away. Oops. That was rude. "I'll have to apologize to Jack." Lunatics and people in love should be forgiven. There is not much difference between them.
"For what?"
"Huh? Oh, I didn't notice I said it out loud. Uhm, for totally ignoring him. I didn't notice he wanted to ask me. Now that you said it, it's true. He did mean to ask me. He tried."
"How come you didn't notice? How is it possible?" Erh, what am I to say to that?? Because I was mooning about you?
"Erhm, ahh, uuuuh..." My tactic worked. He wasn't really interested in an answer to this question, I think, as I still haven't really answered the other one.
"So I take it you aren't going with him?"
"No, I... hello Jack." I greeted the newcomer. Hope he didn't hear much. Well, he certainly has bad timing. Reason enough to dislike him. Frederick spun around and his eyes were daggers when he looked at Jack. Frederick shooting daggers at Jack? Hmmm, I'm giddy. My heart is melting away. Could this be love that I'm feeling?
I racked my brains, thinking how to get out of this situation, which must be embarrassing for at least one of us. Jack had that determined look in his eyes that I am suddenly familiar with. So he wanted to give it another try. I admire him for his denseness.
"Hello Anna, Frederick. I didn't know you two knew each other." This is going to be sooo embarrassing. Think Anna, think! And Frederick didn't look like he was going to help me.
"I'll be going, bye Jack, see ya Anna." I don't think I want to ever hear that grave voice again. And what did he say about not asking a fourth time? Act girl!
"Wait, Frederick. You still didn't tell me when it starts and ..." I trailed off hoping he would get the point. He didn't. Men.
He only stood there, mouth open two inches wide, the very incarnation of dumbness and personification of manhood. Then another idea struck me. What if he had changed his mind and didn't want to ask me anymore after I'd made such a cake out of myself and made him look like a fool? And that's why he was so obtuse? My pulse raced and I felt sick to my stomach. That's why I hate my nervousness, I get physically ill. Did I already mention that? Never mind.
"The ball." I stammered, now completely unhappy. Things were not looking good. Frederick still resembled a stormy cloud, whereas Jack was looking dumbly, trying to understand what was going on between us.
And then I could see Frederick smile. It was as if the sunshine had entered his mind, chased whatever stormy thoughts away and lit up his whole face. He shook his head.
"Women. They make you forget everything. Learn Jack, if you ask a girl to a ball, never forget the details, otherwise they tend to get unhappy. Darling," he said to me. Darling?? "Please smile, for me." With that, he took my elbow and steered me off saying over his shoulder "See you Jack, we have some planning to do."
Just then the bell rang. Perfect timing. I still haven't said a clear, definite yes.
"Frederick, I..." But he interrupted me.
"You have class now?"
"Yes."
"French?"
"No."
"Any bossy teacher?"
"No."
"Good, come with me." He took me by the hand and led me away.
That was the first time I skipped history class.
The Ball is in 4 days. Bit late to ask your date, but I don't mind. Besides, it's only white blouse black skirt mode. Surely I'll find something. And I'll be spared the Polonaise.
Ellie said I could borrow her black skirt and matching jacket. And luckily I have an elegant white blouse. Shoes. Oh no, I need shoes.
The worst part. First: no money. Second: no time. Third: no inclination whatsoever to go shoe hunting. The problem: I don't choose my shoes. They chose me. No reason to go hunting for them. If it isn't the right time then there's no use. If shoes don't want to be bought by me, then I'll find no pair suitable for me. I rarely find shoes that would like me as much as I like them.
Days passed in a blur. I only stepped down once from cloud number nine to buy shoes. Luckily, I'd found a sponsor: Aunt Clara. Although (mentioned for sake of accuracy) she doesn't like the fact that I'm going to the Ball with a guy she never heard of, never mind have never seen (and approved), who asked me to the Ball only 4 days before etc., such faux-pas, ts ts, but she's willing to pay.
Anyway, for the sake of appearance (knowing the guy or not - being invited to the Ball in your second year is a distinction) it was decided I needed new shoes. Ellie was consulted and did she think it a grand idea? No, she didn't. She was in her first year when she got invited. "Besides, Anna darling, it's boring, with all the teachers." Trust Ellie to destroy my mood.
I think it's Ellie's nervousness. Her own Ball is next Thursday (yes, they get Friday free!) and she still can't decide which partner would appear to her best advantage, pardon, she should go with.
Back to the point: I've got shoes.
It's Friday. Yey! I can't concentrate. I should. I'm all Anxiousness. Notice with a capital A. What if he doesn't like me? What if he forgets he has a date?
Butterfly. Butterfly. Oh, another!
After all, he never really told me he liked me. Like really really liked me.
Stomach butterfly.
He told me much nicer things. Does that count?
Flutterby.
Oh, stop it, foolish girl.
Will the evening never come?
Evening's here.
[Future entry here:] a scene full of romantics, love, humor, love, tenderness, love, dancing, love, lovely Frederick, love. Hopeful wishing on both sides for eternal love.
I hope I won't make a fool out of myself and that I'll be in a position to make the aforementioned entry true.
I'm now lying in bed, trying to recapture the evening. It was lovely. I'm still giddy and excited. And tomorrow is dancing class. I wonder... will Frederick come?
It's #$%@ cold! And snowing! In February! Insufferable. And there are very cold winds from the north. It blows so hard I can barely walk upright.
So I was accordingly wrapped up warmly, imitating a snowman, pardon, snowwoman, don't forget the Suffrage movement, stumbling towards school on a dreary bleak cold Saturday morning, not really feeling positive about the world around.
"Morning!" Is he always this cheerful??
I let out a grunt. "Hmph." I heard him chuckle.
"Has the weather made you so grumpy or was it the tedious company of yesterday evening?" I looked up into his eyes and what I saw there melted my grumpy mood away.
I shook my head, saying "You could never be tedious." And after I realized what I said I looked away embarrassed. There was a long silence, during which I could feel Frederick's gaze on me.
"Thank you." He said softly.
I remember him saying those words last night, just before Auntie came to bring me home. We were standing in the silent and empty hall, waiting for her. Frederick was holding my hand, looking at it. I was also silent, content to be there with him, enjoying the gentle way he played with my fingers.
I don't know how long we were standing there and I don't care. It was heavenly. Then I saw Aunt's car through the window and began putting on my sweaters and coat. Frederick took my scarf, wrapped it carefully around me and held both ends, as if not wanting to release me. I gazed in his eyes. He has such wonderful eyes. Then he drew me nearer, never letting go of my scarf and kissed me softly on the cheek.
"Thank you for coming here with me and for a wonderful evening." I was so overwhelmed by emotions, still feeling his lips on my cheek, I couldn't find words, so I just smiled a last parting look and left.
Unfortunately, my look wasn't mysterious, nor was my departure. It would've been sooo romantic, wouldn't it? Frederick would by now be a ragged and fagged exemplar of human anxiousness, wailing and wallowing for his lost love, never to be united with her, and when all hope for him is gone, and he is preparing the most Tragic and Unwonted and Unthinkable Death of Mankind, also known as the TUUDM that would ensure him the Forgetfulness of Death and the Unforgetfulness in the Gossip Column, I appear, as mysteriously as I've disappeared, with some terrifying story about a Dark and Terrible and Angstful Evil Husband, who fortunately had the presence of mind to kill himself in order to beat Frederick to the Gossip Column and the Long Suffering Lovers will be Reunited, to live happily ever after, until the next Installment of Anna and her Weeping Knight. Tune in next week Friday at 4 p.m. to find out how and why Anna will disappear mysteriously again!
"Anna? Anna? Are you there?"
Oh, I've forgotten among my reflections, musings and fantasies that we were standing in front of the school and that it was very cold, blame it on the Northerners, couldn't they keep their blasted wind in the blasted North?
"Sorry, my mind wandered a bit." I smiled sheepishly.
"So I gathered. Your eyes were dreamy at the beginning." Did he guess what I was dreaming about?? "But then the dreamy look was gone, replaced by something hard to define. Mischievous? Faraway, certainly. Mysterious as well." Oh, nice analysis. Thanks. "What were you thinking about?"
"Me? Uhm, oh, uh, nothing important. Let's go, or we'll be late." And I hurried inside to prevent any further questions. Well, it really was late.
There was no awkwardness during dancing. A waltz and other dances in the intimacy of a dark crowded room have rendered dancing in a packed gym during daylight as unsophisticated and unromantic as possible especially as the decorations were still hanging on the walls. The juniors, who organized the Ball for the seniors, were to take the decorations down on Monday which means, cool! no gym on Monday morning! Yay!
Back to the dancing: As I was saying before I get carried away by my feelings, we enjoyed an easy friendship, both guessing to an extent the other's feelings, but still not feeling up to discussing it.
It's a new feeling: I love him. I know he likes me.
I don't know whether he loves me or could love me, but, at the moment, I don't want to find out. I'm content.
I shall worry about his feelings towards me later.
I should start worrying how to deal with Jack, however. How does a girl tell a guy she is not interested? I've tried. Unsuccessfully.
I've noticed, with my usual intelligence, shrewdness and perceptiveness, that Jack has been making gooey eyes towards me. And here kick my aforementioned virtues in: I discovered it after, in retrospect, 5 or 6 weeks. I think I could date it back to before Christmas, during the School X-Mas fete. Everybody was wishing everybody Merry X-mas and some seized the occasion of general kissing to kiss selected personas of the other sex they would never have dared kiss otherwise. For example Jack. He kissed me 3 times on both cheeks, but too close to my lips for my comfort.
And that's when it started. Only I was too stupid to notice. Attempts to take me out for a coffee, tea, cinema, even date for a ball. I must have been extremely rude to him.
And how did I get enlightened, do you ask? Simple: yesterday evening, during the Ball, he drew me away from Frederick and invited me to his party next Friday. If I could come as his special guest, say at 7 p.m.? And that's when my brain started functioning properly. You don't invite a girl to your party as a special guest for nothing. Especially when you see she's with a date and she notices the date apparently won't be invited. And that's when I fully understood his behavior towards me and realized how my own towards him must have looked like. I can't say I'm pleased with myself, but what can I do now? I accepted, hoping I could somehow dissuade him from his more amorous notions, or at least persuade him to locate his tender feelings on some more grateful and perceptive object.
So, now I'm stuck with an invitation to a party I don't want to go to, I shall have to somehow work out the problem of getting to the party, not to mention leaving it. Jack, I'm told, lives in the suburbs of Warsaw, west suburbs. I, of course, live east of Warsaw. Adding to the fact that I shall probably know only a few people, Jack being one of them. He shall invite some people from his class, so I'll see a few familiar faces. And I gather from the art the invitation was issued that Frederick isn't invited. Oh boy.
And what if Frederick finds out I've been invited and he wasn't? And worse, if he finds out I've been there? As Jack's special guest?? I don't. Want. To find. Out.
Dad said I could go. And added (with a big sigh) that he will fetch me at around 1 a.m. 40 km one way. Thanks Dad.
I'm struggling to get back to normal life. The Ball has thrown me out of my routine. It was lovely, at times hilarious and pathetic, but in my mind it is slowly but surely turning into one of the most romantic and intoxicating evenings of my life so far.
I've noticed that the teachers have started to treat the seniors differently. I gather it has to do with the upcoming finals, but somehow the Ball has also had some influence. During the Ball the teacher-pupil attitude has been lessened a bit. The attitude, while normally being very stiff and unapproachable, has been weakened by introducing one's date/girlfriend to one's Russian or Math teacher and similar stuff.
The photos from the Ball have been made and are now hanging on the wall in school, ready to be bought. I shall never eat a banana in public. Right now, I can think of no bigger humiliation then being caught eating a banana in an evening dress, full make up with an elegant hairstyle. The school is roaring at the unfortunate ladies.
There are some photos of Frederick and me. He has given me 3 pictures of us standing together and one where we dance. I look rather ridiculous in one of them... I just hope he doesn't find out that I have bought several pics of him. He looks dashing in his suit and tie, the most handsome man in school. Hmmm.
On second (or third or fourth...) thought, I do want to find out if he loves me. For, if he does, and we get together seriously, I might kiss him then. What's kissing like? Hmmm, would it be nice to be kissed by Frederick? I hope so.
Just heard a nasty rumor about how I forced Frederick to be my date. Probably started by some unhappy disappointed girlie. Can't say I'm happy but what am I to do? Frederick's heard it as well and goes out of his way to show the world I didn't force him. It's worth the extra reputation.
Friday's come. I'm a bit nervous about the party. What if... what if... I don't know what if, but I have a strange feeling that somehow... I can't place it, but I don't think the evening will end well... Just a strange feeling I can't describe. Grr.
Jack! Argh!!
What the heck does he think inviting me an hour and a half earlier then the rest of the guests and introducing me to his family as his girlfriend and then even inviting me to a cozy family dinner!!! I was at a loss for words, so I just glared at Jack and chatted with his mother, who was very nice, btw. But the insolence, impertinence! I told him what I thought of him and of his deceptiveness, later.
Shortly after dinner his parents cleared the battlefield (they invited themselves to the neighbors). Sometime around 8.30 a few girls from his class arrived, bearing salads, chips and other useful things and started making even more salads.
I got snubbed. One of them, a really nice Blondie looked at me as if I were Dirt and asked Jack what she was doing here? I answered that she was doing here just fine, thank you and left the kitchen.
Later I observed the way she was skillfully flinging herself at Frederick and how, also skillfully, Frederick detached her from his body, quite a show, and I gathered she didn't like me because Frederick liked me. Her problem.
Being almost kicked out of the kitchen, and not really wanting to help anyway, I wandered to the dining room, where the stereo stood. I admit, I was still furious with Jack and I didn't want to hear him telling lies about our supposed relationship. He can tell them behind my back for all I care, I won't play his little games. If he wants to look like a fool, so be it.
I started playing with the stereo until I found a Leonard Cohen song, the waltzing one, that begins with "Now in Vienna..." and started swinging to the tune. During a swirl I found myself being watched by a pair of intriguing green eyes, that belonged to a lovely gray stripped tabby. She can't be older than 2 years and was very spoiled which was shown by the way she came to me and demanded attention. So I scooped her in my arms and started waltzing with the tabby in my arms, humming off key.
How embarrassing.
Of course I had to be caught. By Frederick. I didn't see him come into the room, I don't know how long he stood in the doorway. I opened my eyes when the song ended and saw him, looking at me strangely. Very strangely. And I didn't like it. I slowly let the tabby down frantically trying to remember what happened to create this tension. I have certainly done nothing.
I couldn't understand his look. I detected amusement, a bit of humor and something else, lurking in his eyes, and it was this something that had me suddenly sweating nervously, my hands turned cold and this big lump formed in my throat. Call me overreacting and sensitive, reading to much into one look, but this look paralyzed me with fear. He has heard the rumors....
"Hello." I whispered. "I didn't know you were also invited."
His voice was carefully neutral when he answered. "Well, Jack has invited the whole class."
"Oh." Silence. Long, uncomfortable silence. I wanted to cry.
"I didn't expect to see you here, either." It sounded like an accusation. "You never told me you were also invited. Nor did Jack." It was an accusation.
"I..." What was I to say? That I had to come here because of my twisted sense of obligation? That I felt that I had to repay for all the weeks I've been ignoring Jack? That I haven't told him I was coming because I didn't know he was invited? Because I felt stupid and mortified having to talk about this party at all? I was spared giving an answer because Jack entered the room.
"Mousy, I've been looking for you." Mousy??? Mousy! Shock. Full stop. I beg your pardon?? I silently repeated "mousy" fully shocked, as I kept staring at Jack disoriented, not really grasping this dreadful reality, trying to overcome my shock and building anger. The nerve! I could see Jack's perverted tactic, whatever he hoped to obtain through it, was already working.
Frederick stopped gaping like a fish and his face became a guarded mask. No emotions, nothing. Only a cold, hurt stare. Hurt? Frederick! Wait, I can explain! But no, Mr. Mousy had to drag me away from the room.
The party was rolling. I passed people, greeted some, talked, ate, laughed, all in a daze, like a china porcelain doll. Jack, however, very thoughtfully brought me back to earth. He tried to embrace and kiss me. In front of EVERYONE. And Frederick.
Consequently, I've spent most of the evening ducking out of Jack's way and observing Frederick, who spent his time hiding away from me and taking Blondie's hands of his body. At 12 p.m. I was praying for Dad to come and fetch me. 60 minutes to go. I will survive.
50 minutes to go.
Jack caught me in the passage, when I was trying to sneak from the bathroom to my newest hiding place in the kitchen.
"Hi Jack. I was just on my way to the kitchen. You know, your kitchen table looks lovely from beneath... and the table cloth, so lovely and big, touching the floor." It's true, I've spent the past 10 minutes sitting under the kitchen table, listening to girlie's talk. Am expert on make-up now. But Jack didn't listen to me.
He led me to his room which was not open to the party. I sat on the bed and he, already nicely inebriated, started calling me Mousy. At this point, I wasn't really sure anymore whether I'd survive.
"Mousy, my mouse, I.."
"Jack, I am not your mousy! Whatever made you think that?" Not polite, not subtle. But it didn't work anyway.
"My mousy." He repeated it over and over and tried to kiss me. Now, when I write that, I can say I am sorry for him, sorry that I can not feel the same towards him, sorry that he has made such a fool of himself in front of me. But yesterday? I was furious. He's ruined whatever I had with Frederick and whatever problems may arise from his lies are yet for me to discover.
Jack started to babble something incoherently. I could understand mousy and darling. I strongly suspect it was a declaration of pent up emotions or some such thing. I tried to tell him many times and using different methods that I'm not interested in him, but it didn't work. He just kept on talking. Luckily, it was only talking on his part.
30 minutes...
Someone barged into the dark room and turned on the light. It was Frederick. Could the evening get worse? It could and it did.
He looked startled but hid his feelings under his stupid mask. "Sorry, I didn't know someone was here. The room was dark and...".
I groaned inwardly. What would a guy and a girl, who were supposedly together, doing on a bed in a dark room? Surely not talking.
I answered bitterly " I was just leaving." I snatched up the opportunity to get out when Jack let go of my hands to walk towards the door.
I passed Frederick when Jack stopped me: "Mousy, mousy..." I paused but didn't turn around. I could see Frederick beside me studying my face intently.
Without turning around, I said quietly, "Goodbye." And left the room.
25 minutes. I made a bolt for the wardrobe, grabbed my coat, belongings and left. Waiting outside was preferable to the madhouse inside.
Frederick.
What is he thinking right now? Does he suppose I am with Jack? Is he thinking I was two-timing him? I felt like crying, but couldn't. I just had this constricting ache in my chest, that made breathing nearly impossible. I wasn't angry anymore. Only sad and tired. Poor Jack. I am sorry for him. Sorry for not loving him.
"Oh, Frederick." I whispered, hoping I wouldn't have to be sorry for myself the way I was sorry for Jack.
"Yes?" I jumped frightened. I didn't know he followed me. What would he say? I hoped he wouldn't start accusing me of not caring about him. He was hurt, so he could hurt me as well. I looked into his eyes. The mask had gone, but his eyes were unreadable.
Uncomfortable silence. Heavy, oppressive. I wanted to run away from it. Without saying a word, Frederick sat down next to me. Is this how all this was going to end? With us sitting next to each other, not saying a word? Finally, the first tears fell silently down my cheeks. I was miserable. And then I felt Frederick's arm behind my back, drawing me towards him. He embraced me with one arm and stroked my hair with his other hand. I tried to stifle my tears.
"Shh, don't cry. Please stop. I'm sorry I doubted you. I shouldn't have. I'm sorry. I should've helped you out of this nonsense, I didn't. I've let you down. Will you forgive me?" I buried my head into his shoulder. What was there to forgive?
"You see," He held up my face and looked into my red, swollen eyes, "I love you. And I don't like the idea of you being with another guy. I'm selfish and egoistic and I want you only for myself. I know I shouldn't have doubted you. I had hoped you liked me, I knew you did, but . . . but." I felt his thumb graze my cheek. "You're simply so wonderful that it's no surprise another guy would want you as well, and then I was scared you might want him more than me and that's when jealousy blinded me." I clung to him tightly, not trusting myself to speak. He loves me. He loves me.
All misery and loneliness was forgotten, gone. What remained: Happiness and a wonderful feeling of tenderness, fulfillment, longing and belonging. He loves me.
I looked into his eyes, now full of tenderness. "You love me?" I whispered.
He smiled lovingly. "Yes, for many months now." He loves me.
"For months?"
"Yes. Before we met, I loved you from a distance."
"Oh." What could I say? He loves me. Loved me the entire time!
He held me tightly. "The dancing course was a way for me to see you and to get to know you." He loves me.
"Oh."
"Is that all you can say?" I love his teasing voice.
He. Loves. ME!!!!!!
"Yes."
"Oh."
"Do you wish to hear more?" He kissed the top of my head.
"Yes, I like to hear your voice." He turned my chin gently upwards and whispered in a low voice: "Say something. Just for me."
The giddiness in my body had subsided a little. But the floating feeling remained. I raised my hand to touch his cheek. So soft. My fingers could get used to this. He closed his eyes and leaned his head towards my hand. At that moment he looked so innocent, so trusting. A wave of tenderness swept over me.
Moon so bright, night so fine
Keep your heart here with mine
"Frederick.." I whispered, still cradling his head.
Life's a dream we are dreaming
Race the moon, catch the wind
Ride the night to the end
Seize the day, stand up for the light
"Mmmh?" He answered not opening his eyes.
"I love you." Silence. He slowly opened his eyes and looked at me. And looked. His big blue eyes, filled with love, honesty and trust, kept staring at me. He whispered hoarsely, his voice cracking with emotion: "Say that again."
"I love you." Suddenly I found myself crushed into a powerful embrace, his muscular arms around me, his lips near my ear, whispering, repeating, calling me darling, his darling. With each word my soul lifted an inch nearer towards eternal happiness and bliss.
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that's all in life I ever do
He broke the embrace and cupped my face, my face resting in his big, gentle hands. I sighed contentedly and closed my eyes, like he had done it moments before, I could hear him whisper: "You're beautiful."
I smiled lightly, enjoying his hands on my cheeks and his presence beside me. With one finger Frederick started to trace the outlines of my face and I leaned to give him better access. His actions were sending shivers down my spine. It was unlike anything I had before experienced. It was unreal. My bum was freezing from the cold bench.
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that's all in life I ever do
"Will I see you tomorrow?" I hoped I would.
Take my hand, dance with me
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
"Wild horses couldn't keep me away." Was his whispered answer.
"Me neither." I felt bold stating my feelings openly. He grinned.
"And that's why I love you. Would you like to get coffee afterwards?"
"I'd love that."
"And no trains?"
"No trains." He smiled tenderly and then he kissed me. My first kiss. Short, sweet, gentle, tender and a promise of many more to come. I hope.
I think I've just misused and used the words love, tender(ly), bliss, happiness etc. too often when remembering last night. I am dreadfully romantic. And I like it.
Since everything pressing has been discussed thoroughly, we sat in silence, his arm around me, my head on his shoulder, enjoying the closeness, the quiet and the snow that started to fall. Sometime after one I heard Dad's car, so I jumped up and ran out on the road so he could see me.
"Hi Dad."
"Hon. It took me sometime to find this place. Hop in." He then saw Frederick still sitting on the wall. "Hello, young man, want a lift?"
"Good morning, Mr. Elliot. Thank you. A lift would be nice. Are you driving past the Forum Hotel?"
"I could. Hop in." We both got in the car and I introduced Frederick to Dad, not mentioning a word about our present state of our relationship. I hoped Frederick didn't mind. I just couldn't say to Dad "Hello, meet my boyfriend," because it's still too new to me, and because Dad would freak out that his little daughter had a boyfriend. After we dropped off Frederick, Dad asked me about the party.
I shrugged: "Ok, I guess."
"You guess?"
"Yep."
"What where you two doing outside anyway?"
Sorry for the little lies, Daddy. On the other hand, not saying everything is not a lie, is it? Just omitting a few minor details.
"It was getting pretty wild inside, vodka and stuff, so I decided to wait outside for you. And Frederick, since he wasn't drinking much like the rest, waited outside with me." I grinned, "Maybe he was hoping for a ride?"
"And what did you drink?" The inquisition again.
"Some wine, but it was vile, so I drank only one glass."
"No vodka?"
"Dad, I hate vodka!" I exclaimed indignantly.
"And how would you know that?"
Oops. Caught. "Because I've tried it once and it tastes awful." Not to mention the terrible hang over I had the next day. I wonder how people can drink that stuff. It's not worth the fun. You either puke or pass out and the next day is hell on earth. I know I spent it drinking tomato juice and yogurt alternatively and had a battle of Satan's cavalry attacking the positions of its enemy on the battleground that was my head.
"And when was that?"
I got impatient. "Oh, never mind. Sufficed to say that I've tried it and I won't drink again for a very long time." He wasn't very much pleased, but at least he stopped asking questions.
Horses kept me away. Not wild, but mechanical, in the form of the train. It was late. I arrived at school 10 minutes after the class had started, wondering what Frederick was doing. Was he dancing with some other girl? He couldn't do that to me!
And he didn't. He was waiting in the hallway for me. For me. Waiting. For me. He loves me. Me. *sigh* I smiled at him. And he smiled back. At me. Lovely.
I want to spend my lifetime loving you
If that's all in life I ever do*
After dancing class we went to a coffee house in the Old Town. He held my hand the entire way there. He grabbed it as soon as I had my coat on and never let it go until we arrived at the coffee house. It created a nice sensation at school because everybody had seen us holding hands. We're now the gossip of the day. Agnes stormed angrily away from me. Wonder why?
Over two steaming pots of coffee and tea we talked. About us. Frederick started apologizing for yesterday evening. I'd forgiven him already and told him so. I only wanted to know what he was thinking when he had that cold stare when he caught me dancing with the cat.
"At first I was surprised to see you there. I'd heard in the kitchen that you were around, but didn't really believe it until I saw you. "
I frowned. What did he hear in the kitchen??
"I thought you were utterly charming when I saw with whom you were dancing. I wanted to kiss you on the spot."
Why didn't you??? Oh why?
"But then I remembered the rumors from the kitchen."
"All right, what rumors?"
"Well, as soon as I entered the kitchen, Paula asked me if I'd heard the news that you and Jack were an item."
"Who's Paula?" So I can identify her in future and break her bloody meddlesome neck.
"She was the blonde one, in that too small too short too black dress thingy."
Oh, Blondie. I should have known. "The one that was flinging herself at you the whole evening?" I could see him getting uncomfortable.
"So you saw that?" Of course I did! "I hoped you didn't."
Why?? He must have seen the question in my eyes, because he answered, "Because I didn't know what you'd think if you saw her hands all over me." Point taken.
"Actually, the only one who really believed in those rumors was Paula. Probably because she wanted them to be true. Until yesterday I didn't even know she was interested in me."
Well, at least Blondie has good taste in men.
He continued: "At least I know her infatuation with me was short. Paul called me this morning to ask where I was since I disappeared from the party last night. He wanted to see if everything's ok. And he told me that at the end of the party, Paula and Jack, both totally pissed, had made out in the middle of the dining room."
I started to laugh. I can imagine a pissed Jack with Paula's hands all over him.
"Back to the kitchen rumors. As I've said, only Paula believed them. People aren't stupid or blind. They've seen us together at the Ball, so they expected me to say that we were going out." After a moment he added in a small voice, "But, I couldn't say that at the time."
I must say, I was gratified to hear this. So they wouldn't think me a slut after hearing Jack's lies. And I told that to Frederick. He was indignant.
"No one would ever think that of you!" He's cute when he's indignant. And I'm terrifically happy when he says things like that. "Somehow everybody knew it wasn't true, but I couldn't be at ease. After all, they say there isn't smoke with out fire and besides, I was a bit shocked to find out you were invited, and you didn't tell me. Of course, I had no right to suppose you would tell me, but somehow I thought you would have."
So I told him. I told him how Jack had invited me at the Ball, how I had thought Frederick wasn't invited. I told him about my twisted sense of obligation and how Jack had duped me into a cozy family dinner telling me to arrive 90 minutes before all the others. Frederick listened intently and seemed relieved at the end of it.
"So that's what Paula meant when she told me about your dinner engagement. Oh well, blast Jack and his family dinners. I'm sorry I had so little trust in you. Or rather it was no trust in what I had hoped your feelings for me were." He smiled awkwardly. "I wasn't certain about what you felt for me."
This time I was indignant. I've made a fool of myself so many times and he still didn't know how I felt? On second thought, I didn't know how he felt about me either. I apologized for being indignant and he was allowed to continue.
"And so when I saw you dancing and being familiar with my rival's tabby, I saw red." My rival's tabby. Awww, how well that sounds. "I couldn't think clearly. The whole party was a disaster for me. I thought you felt something for Jack, I couldn't get rid of Paula and Her Hands, I saw you disappear with Jack into the dark room. His room and I felt betrayed."
Time for defense. "I didn't go in there willingly. I spent my evening escaping Jack's notice, sitting under the kitchen table, getting jealous at the thought of Blondie's hands on you."
Before I knew what was happening, he leaned over the table and kissed me. Not the chaste, sweet kiss from yesterday, but a demanding and sensual, albeit short kiss that left me breathless and in a daze.
Frederick turned red from embarrassment, I think. He muttered: "I'm sorry, I still can't get used to the idea that you, that you... and when I heard you were jealous, I forgot myself."
I reassured him as best as I could, despite my shyness, that I wasn't at all angry, merely dazed and surprised. That earned me another kiss.
"Can I continue now?" He nodded sheepishly. I love him when he's docile and kissed him on his cheek to let him know that.
"Anna, darling, you can't just blame me. I'm not the only one responsible for the lack of conversation we are now having."
"Of course you are. You and you alone are to blame. You're incredibly distracting." I still can't get used to this new familiarity. After all, we were nearly perfect strangers to each other, and then we have a chat on a cold winter night and then, suddenly, everything is allowed. Strange, isn't it?
"As I was saying, before I was so ruthlessly distracted, I'd spent my evening escaping Jack's notice, getting jealous at the thought of Blondie's hands on you, worrying what you were thinking of me and why you were so cold and distant. And to round it up nicely, Jack invited me for a little chat in his room. Let's just say he didn't take 'no' for an answer."
"What did you talk about?"
"You don't want to hear. I was glad you came in. You were my chance to escape."
He looked at me tenderly and took my hand in his. He studied it for a while before he answered silently. "I wanted to barge in the moment I realized Jack wouldn't switch the light on." I muttered "it's a pity you didn't" but Frederick didn't hear it.
"I was not sure about what to do. And jealous. Not a good combination. When I finally thought of a good excuse I could use, I looked inside. The relief on your face spoke volumes." He chuckled. "And when you didn't turn around when Jack called you, but merely said good bye and left, then I knew everything I needed to know. So I followed you outside and the rest is history." He pulled me close and hugged me.
"Besides," he whispered in my hair, "You're not a 'Mousy' but a proud, elegant and charming darling. My darling." My thought exactly.
*Tina Arena + Marc Anthony ~ I Want To Spend My Lifetime Loving You