(For Ashka)
Posted on Tuesday, 23 May 2000
There I was standing in the shadows of the curtains just off stage, wringing my hands in fear. How did I ever get myself into this? When will I ever learn to just say 'No'.
*sigh* It was too late now to think these thoughts. The show must go on. Steeling myself up, I carefully stepped from the shadows after that brief introduction. "Welcome ladies and (occasional) gentlemen! I am ever so pleased to present the most illustrious Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy for our viewing pleasure."
It seems that these days everyone wants The Look. Do they look to me for my intelligence? My wit? My charm? My rugged good looks? Noooooooooo..... it's that awful Look. I mean 5 seconds of air time and my life is ruined. Don't they realize that I just can't turn it on and off like a spigot? I need inspiration and where was I to find that here .... here at a Dwiggies convention in Kalamazoo?
I looked out over the sea of faces searching for that inspiration - desperate for a way to satisfy my contract to provide The Look personally to each and every Dwiggie attendee. There was Coleen and Tabbi W. heckling from the back corner and throwing personal items at my feet. Emma EA in the middle near the front with pad in hand devising new and diabolical ways to torture fellow Dwiggies and humming a most familiar tune. What was that now... oh yes 50 Ways to Leave Your Darcy. And over to the right was Ann with one hand on her computer and the other holding a cheerleader's pompom (go Dwiggies! rah! rah!). Andrea how could I forget dear sweet Andrea who puts me in the most hmmmm..... interesting situations with the love of my life, dearest loveliest Elizabeth. And in toasting my youth, there sits Kimmie who keeps me young but proud, arrogant, and snooty to a fault. The men - oh the men! Surely the Dwiggie men came for The Look as well. There front and center sat Chris *sigh*. There were so many Dwiggies and so little time, how would I ever be able to give them what they all came for?
Dread can be an overpowering emotion and I felt it keenly. My entire family sat quietly in the back row beginning with my lovely wife, Elizabeth. To her left sat my best friend and cousin, Colonel studmuffin - er Fitzwilliam. On his left, slimed Mr. Collins and on his left sat my aunt Lady Catherine with my cousin, the lovely yet very sickly, Anne. How would I ever be able to perform properly with such an audience both in front and in back?
Then it came to me - inspiration from an old Cambridge fellow who so many years ago passed on a trick. A trick to making oneself comfortable in front of such a large audience. It just might work... please please let this be the answer.
Hmmm..... Pamela Anderson is the presenter this year and doesn't she just look *nice* in the leopard print bikinis I imagined her to wear. OK - so my friend advised on imagining everyone in their underwear but that's just so boring. Now bikinis - that's worth the effort especially with the lovely curvaceous Ms. Anderson striding towards me. Ahhhh...... concentrate .... concentrate.... let me look to my lovely wife for inspiration. Sproin.... ooops sorry wrong story but hmmm.... this is truly inspiring... Elizabeth in a leopard print bikini as well now that's a most lovely image!
I felt confident and ready. Let The Look-fest begin. Tabbi W. and Coleen shove their way to the beginning of the line. Ready .... Set... Look.... Agggghhhhhhhh!! They are in leopard print bikini's as well with no help from my imagination. What's this? ALL of the Dwiggies have shed their clothes and are standing in line wearing nothing but itsy bitsy string leopard print bikinis. How could this be? NO. NO. NO. This was definitely NOT in the contract.
As if I had not endured enough horrors, I soon see that all of my relatives too have shed their clothes in preference for this odd wear. Mr. Collins - ewwwwwwww - a sight that no man alive (or even dead) should ever have to witness. And Lady Cat - how could this be? She wore the tiniest bikini of all!
I felt weak and fell back into my chair. There would be no Look today or ever more. I was through as a sex symbol and determined to make my way back to obscurity. Perhaps that lad named Firth might like to take my place at future conventions? Hmmm.... now that's a thought.