Posted on Wednesday, 17 May 2000

Bingley walked down the streets of London with a goofy look on his face and jabbering about the wonderful qualities of his dear Jane to anyone who would listen. Darcy merely rolled his eyes at his companion, happy that he wasn't being subjected to a litany of Miss Bennet's attributes. No, his mind was more agreeably engaged as he fantasized about a certain woman with fine eyes. Because of his preoccupation, Darcy was unable to warn Bingley about a gentleman standing directly in their path. As Bingley turned around to walk forward (he had been facing the opposite way as he walked (how else does one converse with someone running away from one?)) he collided with the said gentleman, causing both to crash onto the ground.

"I say," the gentleman exclaimed, "Watch where you are going!"

Bingley had the grace to look mortified and helped the gentleman to his feet after he himself had risen. "I do apologize Mr...?"

"Bertram. Edmund Bertram," the gentleman said as he brushed himself off.

Bingley smiled. "My apologies then, Mr. Bertram! My name is Charles Bingley and my tall friend here is Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy."

After the gentlemen had shaken hands, Edmund asked curiously, "If I may be so bold, why were you walking backwards, Mr. Bingley?"

"Well I uh..." Bingley's voice trailed off. His eyes were vacant and he smiled stupidly.

"You will have to excuse my friend," said Darcy, "He's in love." He snapped his fingers in front of Bingley's face. "Charles! Yoo-hoo! Charles! Wake up!"

Bingley shook himself like a dog and yawned. "What happened?"

"You went bye-bye again."

Edmund stared curiously at Bingley. "He has it bad. Who is the lady?"

"Jane Bennet," sighed Bingley, "The sweetest, most angelic woman in the world. There is no one who could compare!"

Edmund coughed. "I beg to differ with you Bingley. As it happens, I happen to know the sweetest, most angelic person in the world-no, in the universe!"

Bingley snorted. "Yeah right, and who might that be?"

"My fiancée, Miss Fanny Price!"

"Ha!" Bingley laughed, "How can she be angelic with a name like Fanny?"

"Excuuuuuuuuuuuse me?" Edmund said indignantly, putting his hands on his hips. "Did I insult your woman? I think not! And if you want to talk about names, I happen to have heard of the Bennets! How can anyone related to Mrs. Bennet be sweet and angelic? Ha!" he squealed girlishly, while tossing his hair back.

Bingley narrowed his eyes. "Oh yeah? Well I've heard that-"

Edmund stuck his hand in Bingley's face. "Talk to the hand, 'cause the ears ain't listenin'!"

Darcy listened to their argument with an increasing embarrassment. "Gentlemen! I'm sure that this can be settled in a different way!"

"There sure is!" a voice boomed behind them.

All three gentlemen spun around to face a short, bald man, dressed in strange clothing.

"I think this calls for a Deathmatch!" the man said.

Before any of the gentlemen could formulate a sentence, they were somehow transported to a large arena filled with screaming people, and a ring in the center.

"Hello folks and welcome to Austen Celebrity Deathmatch!" said Stan from the announcer's box. "Tonight we have a real treat you, isn't that right Dan?"

"That's right, Stan! We have a new contender in the Deathmatch-a Mr. Charles Bingley, brother to 'Barracuda' Bingley. Now before you get any ideas or place any bets, let me say that these two siblings couldn't be more different. Bingley is reputed to be an amiable man and is fond of dancing."

"He doesn't sound like a very formidable opponent, Dan."

"I agree, Stan, but we may underestimate him. Let's not also forget that the challenger is a returning contender, Mr. Edmund Bertram, who hasn't won a match yet! I would say that evens up the odds."

"Very true. And just to make the match more interesting folks, we've decided to provide the combatants with a special weapon!"

"Hold that thought, Stan. I think the match is about to begin!"

The short, bald man stepped out into the center of the ring. "LAAAAAAAAAAADIEEEEEEES AND GEEEEEEEENTLEMEEEEEEEEN! WELCOME TO AUSTEN CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!" The crowd went wild and several tortillas flew through the air. "In the left corner, looking handsome in a blue coat, we have Charles 'Gullible' Bingley!"

Bingley strode out to the "ooh's" and "ah's" of the ladies in the audience. He turned and blew a kiss to his beloved Jane before climbing into the ring.

"And in the right corner, we have Edmund 'How Could Any Woman Love Him Because He's So Boring?' Bertram!"

Edmund strutted out wearing a plain, black suit (hastily borrowed from Mr. Collins) and waved to the Bertramites, the only section of the audience that cheered for him. As he climbed into the ring, he realized he hadn't waved to Fanny and tried to do so. Unfortunately he need both hands to get over the ropes, so when he let go, the ropes snapped up and sent him flying face first to the floor of the ring.

"Oh jeez!" groaned the referee. "Get up will ya, Boring?" When Edmund was standing the ref continued his announcements. "We also have a guest referee tonight! Let's all give a hardy welcome to General Coleen V.!"

The audience cheered loudly as the Noble Authoress and revered General of the Chasing Fitzwilliam army made her way to the ring. One voice was heard above all the noise. "WHOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!" Tabbi W. screamed. "GO WOMAN! YEAH! SHOW THAT EDMUND A THING OR EIGHT!" She threw several tortillas in the gentleman's direction, shocking her neighbors with her vulgarity.

"Umm..." Darcy said to Elizabeth, "I think we should move, dear. I don't feel very safe here."

Tabbi overheard this and waggled her eyebrows. "Don't worry! I'll make sure no harm comes to you!" Just then she felt someone tap on her shoulder. She turned around and saw a large group of Dwiggies standing behind her.

"Excuse me, but are these seats taken?" Tanisha asked, gesturing to area around the Darcys.

"Well actually..." Darcy began.

"Why of course not!" Tabbi interrupted him. "Make yourselves at home!"

A catfight broke out as the group of ladies, as each vied for the seats nearest to Mr. Darcy. After several minutes of screeching, hair pulling, biting, kicking, they settled in and were staring at Darcy with a lusty gleam in their eyes.

Darcy gulped nervously and said to Elizabeth, "Maybe we should move to another area... I'm sure we're intruding on these ladies' party."

Ashka smiled sweetly and exclaimed, "Oh you aren't intruding on anything!"

Darcy made a move to stand. "Even so, I think..."

"Don't move!" ordered Caroline (no relation to Duckface). She hefted a large tortilla. "We'd be very glad of your company, wouldn't we ladies?"

Elizabeth eyed the tortillas the group was brandishing and tugged on Darcy's sleeve. "I think we had better do what they say, Fitzwilliam." Darcy nodded and they sat back down.

Meanwhile in the ring...

"Oh no!" Edmund whined. "Not again! You can't have another Crawfordite judge the match! No fair!"

Coleen V. smiled sweetly and said, "But you aren't fighting Crawford this time, Eddie Who Wets His Beddie!"

"Don't call me that!" Edmund screeched.

"Ok! Whatever you say... Eddie Wetty."

"HA! HA!" Tabbi's loud and unmistakable voice rang out. "GOOD ONE, WOMAN! EDDIE! WETTY! EDDIE! WETTY!" she began yelling. Soon the whole audience took up the chant.

Edmund's face turned scarlet with anger and embarrassment. "I haven't done that in years!" he shrieked. "Make them stop!"

"Why?" Coleen asked with a smirk on her face. "I rather like it!"

"Cut it out you two," the ref growled. "People are waiting, so let's get a move on!"

Coleen V. tapped the microphone before speaking into it. "Tonight's contenders will also be..."

"WHAT?" roared the audience, "WE CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

She cleared her throat and tried again. "TONIGHT'S CONTENDERS WILL..." The audience shrieked in pain as Coleen's shrill voice and feedback from the microphone rang in their eardrums. "Oops! Sorry! Aww heck... Bingley and Bertram will each be given a large trout to duke it out with! Now I want a clean fight! No biting or sermonizing." She glared at Edmund. "LET'S GET READY TO RUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMBLLLLLLLE!"

The bell dinged twice and the match began.

Bingley hefted his trout. "This is supposed to be a weapon? How on earth are we supposed to fight with this?"

Gen. Coleen sighed in exasperation and snatched the trout from Bingley's hands. "Here," she said, "Like this." She turned and whacked Edmund upside the head with the trout, sending the gentleman sprawling on the floor. "It's easy!" she said as she handed Bingley back his trout.

"Whoa!" Stan exclaimed. "Where did that come from? Is she even allowed to do that?"

"I don't know," Dan replied, "but who's gonna argue with her after that demonstration? Uh oh! Edmund's up again and boy is he mad!"

Edmund was indeed standing again. "You did that on purpose!" he accused.

"Of course I did," Gen. Coleen said with a roll of her eyes. "I was showing you how to use the trout! Now get to fighting!"

Edmund tore his attention away from Coleen V. as Bingley began brandishing his trout. He ducked just in time to avoid being smacked again. "Ha ha!" he exclaimed triumphantly, "You have to be better than that, Bingley!" He swung his own trout and nearly caught Bingley in the stomach with it.

"I am better than you, Eddie Wetty, just like my fiancée is better than yours!"

"Ha! Can she recite Cowper and is she qualified to take care of useless Aunts with pugs?"

Bingley snorted. "Those are certainly some accomplishments! I think I'll have to revise my opinion-not all young ladies are very accomplished!"

The match raged on but Brea wasn't paying any attention to it. She was busy staring dreamily at the back of a dark-haired gentleman's head. Every so often she would sigh dramatically. Lydia plunked down in the seat next to her and nudged her with an elbow. "Hey, I got us some tortillas!" she said. Brea just continued to stare. "Brea? Brea, wake up! What are you staring at?"

"Captain Frederick Wentworth..." Brea replied with a wistful sigh.

"Really? Where?"

"He's sitting right in front of us!"

Lydia's eyes widened in shock before she too began staring at the back of Frederick's head. They were engaged in this activity for several minutes when Chris decided to sit with them. "Ladies, what are you..." His voice trailed off when he caught sight of the woman sitting with Captain Wentworth. "Anne Elliot..." he murmured.

Frederick had been enjoying the match until the back of his head started to itch. He felt like he was being watched. "There is something odd going on," he said to Anne when he noticed she looked as uncomfortable as he felt.

Anne nodded. "Yes. I get the feeling I'm being watched. Is there somebody sitting behind us?"

"I don't know but let's find out."

They slowly turned around and came face to face with the three Dwiggies. "Excuse me," Frederick said, "but what are you staring at?"

"OH MY GOD!" Brea shrieked. "HE SPOKE TO US! CAPTAIN WENTWORTH ACTUALLY SPOKE TO US!" She fainted dead away and Lydia soon followed suit. Chris just continued to stare at Anne with a goofy look on his face.

"No fair," Emma EA pouted as she observed Brea, Chris, and Lydia. "Why is everyone finding their favorite hero but us?" she asked Diana LR, Cinthia, JenR, and Alice.

"I think ours are in hiding," Diana LR replied. "The trick is flushing them out." She snapped her fingers as a sudden idea came to her. "I've got it!" She began inspecting the sleeve of Emma's shirt. "Is this polyester or muslin?" she asked loudly.

Emma grinned. "Oh I don't know," she replied just as loudly. "I thought it might be a cotton weave."

"No, no, no!" JenR exclaimed. "It's a synthetic cotton!"

"Oh don't be silly," Henry Tilney said as he appeared beside them. "Anyone can plainly see that this is wool! See how it..." He stopped speaking in mid-sentence as he realized he'd been duped. "Oh no!" he cried as he tried to make a run for it. Emma, JenR, and Diana were too quick for him though. They tackled him and then hoisting him up onto their shoulders, they carried him off to the locker room with satisfied smirks.

"Great!" Alice exclaimed, "Now where does that leave us?"

"I don't know about you, but they gave me an idea," Cinthia replied. "Now let's see how does that go? Oh yes! I remember now!" She turned and tapped a nearby woman on the shoulders.

"Yes?" the woman asked.

"Ah, Miss Bates!" Cinthia proclaimed loudly. "You may have a difficulty as to saying three dull things. Pardon me-but you will be limited as to number-only three at once."

"What?" the woman asked in confusion. "I'm not Miss Bates! What are you talking about?"

But Cinthia had completely forgotten her as Mr. Knightley stood in front of her. "It was badly done indeed!" he said in a scolding tone. "You, whom she had known... Wait a minute... You're not Emma! And she's not Miss Bates! You... AAAAAAAAAAH! HELP ME!" It was too late for while Mr. Knightley had been talking, Cinthia had pulled out a rope and hog-tied him up. As she hauled him off to a spot under the bleachers, she called out, "Good luck in finding yours, Alice!"

"Thanks!" she called back. "Hmmmmm... Now what to do?" she mumbled to herself. "Oooooooh! I know!" She collapsed on the floor. "Oh dear!" she called piteously, "I feel sick! I want my mother! Oh won't somebody fetch me my mother!"

A burst of fanfare came out of nowhere as Colonel Brandon knelt over her. "I will fetch your mother!" he proclaimed.

"Oh! My hero!" Alice squealed as she threw her arms around his neck.

"My lady," he said as he tried vainly to break her hold on him, "I cannot find your mother unless you let go!"

"Oh who cares about my mother when I have you!" Alice replied with her arms still locked around his neck. "I'll never let you go!" she declared. To this day, it is still unknown if Colonel Brandon has ever detached himself from his devoted fan.

Suddenly a loud clamor broke out in the ring.

"MARKS!" a loud, authoritative voice called out. "MARKS COME OUT THIS INSTANT!"

"Holy Toledo!" Dan cried, "Who's that in the ring?"

Stan stared in shock. "I think it's Lady Catherine! She's wearing fishnet stockings and carrying a whip!" Author's note: Be careful what you ask for Marks! MUAHAHAHAHAAAA!

"I don't know about you, Stan, but I think I'm gonna lose my lunch."

"HAS ANYONE SEEN MARKS! I DEMAND TO KNOW NOW OR ELSE YOU ALL WILL FEEL THE WRATH OF MY WHIP!" Lady Cat yelled, cracking the whip to emphasize her point.

One section of the stadium cleared out in a panic, leaving behind lone figure sitting by himself. "Uh oh." Marks gulped.

"Ah ha! There you are!" Lady Catherine said triumphantly. "I would like to have a word with you!" She batted her eyelashes seductively.

"Uhhhhh... I'm afraid that's not possible," Marks said as he began backing his way towards the door. "I have to go count my... my... toes! Yes, I have to make sure they're still all there you know!"

Lady Cat jumped out of the ring and began advancing on Marks. "Surely you can do that later," she pleaded.

"No! I'm afraid not!" With that, Marks turn and ran out the door. Lady Cat shrieked in anger before giving chase. She nearly tripped over Teg, who was on the floor giggling uncontrollably.

Elizabeth looked at Darcy with wide eyes. "That was Lady Catherine?"

"I'm afraid so," replied Darcy, who looked rather green. "And I think I could have happily have lived my entire life without seeing that!" Suddenly he felt someone yank his hair. "YEEEEEEEOOOUUUUUUUUCH!"

"I got it!" Andrea shrieked. "I got a strand of Fwood's hair!"

"Hey I want one!" Vals yelled and she advanced towards Darcy. This set off the other ladies, as they wanted some of Darcy's hair too.

"Wait!" a voice of reason called out. Everyone turned to look at Maria V. "If we take his hair, then he'll be bald!" she said.

The Dwiggies looked at each other, horrified as to what they had almost done. Andrea hastily put the hair back on Darcy's head. "Right," said JessLee. "Let's get his clothes then!"

"Don't hurt the white shirt!" Agnieszka said.

The ladies cheered and surrounded the cowering Darcy. Elizabeth stood in front of him protectively but was clearly outnumbered. "Oh isn't there anyone who can help us?" she cried out desperately.

And what were Edmund and Charles doing this entire time? Why they were beating each other silly with their trout! Both were extremely tired-they could barely lift their trout and were running out of insults.

"Yeah well..." Charles panted, "my Jane will make a better wife than your Fanny! She'll dote on me every moment of the day and never think ill of me, which is more than can be said of your woman!"

"Ha... ha!" Edmund gasped. "But will she wait on you hand and foot? I know Fanny would do as much for me! She'll do everything I ask and think everything I think because she's so angelic."

"So will Jane!"

"Fanny will more!"

"No mine will!"

"Mine will!"

"NO WE WILL NOT!" two voices cried.

"Uh-oh," said Stan, "I don't like the sound of that!"

Charles and Edmund turned only to see their fiancées standing inside the ring, hands on their hips, and angry expressions on their faces.

"Jane? What is going on?" Charles asked in confusion.

"I'll tell you what's going on! I am NOT going to be your slave! I'm sick and tired of being angelic-all people do is take advantage of it!"

"Yeah!" put in Fanny. "You never noticed me when I was sweet and kind, Edmund! I can recall one occasion where you completely forgot about me!"

"But... But, dearest," Edmund stammered, "I stopped Mary-I mean Miss Crawford's rides when I..."

"Enough!" Fanny shouted. "I don't want to hear any excuses! Come on Jane! Let's show them who will wear the pants on our families!"

Each lady approached her respective fiancé, who were too stunned to do anything but gape. Fanny and Jane took the trout from Charles and Edmund's hands.

"Ready?" Jane asked Fanny.

"Oh my yes!" replied Fanny with a wicked grin.

THWACK!

WHAP!

BANG!

KAPOW!

"Well Stan, this is a new one on me!" said Dan. "Miss Bennet and Miss Price have bludgeoned their fiancés senseless with their trout! The crowd is going wild!"

"I wonder why Gen. Coleen allowed it?" asked Stan.

Gen. Coleen took one of Fanny and Jane's hands and raised them up in victory. "I declare Miss Jane Bennet and Miss Fanny Price to be the winners in this Deathmatch!" The audience stood and gave the women a standing ovation while Jane and Fanny curtsied and blushed becomingly.

Just then, the doors burst open and Col. Fitzwilliam ran in stadium. Gen. Coleen's jaw dropped at the sight of him and she drooled. "Ooooooooh! Col. Hotpants!" she shrieked. Col. Studmuffin screeched to a halt when he caught sight of the Noble Authoress and accidentally crashed into Henry Crawford. Coleen V.'s eyes widened when see saw her favorite rake standing with her favorite colonel. "Col. FitziePie and Henry Crawford? OH YEAH BABY!"

Crawford looked at Col. Fitzwilliam in confusion. "What's going on?"

"That's one of the rabid Dwiggies," Col. Studmuffin said in a panicky voice. "She's been after me in Tabbi W.'s story, Chasing Fitzwilliam, and it seems that she's set her sights on you too."

"Oh, I see," replied Henry. "So what do I do now?"

"RUN!" the Colonel shrieked. Both men turned and fled the building.

Gen. Coleen looked extremely vexed until an idea hit her. She snapped her fingers and a motorcycle magically appeared next to her. She climbed on and started the motor.

"Wait!" Shemmelle yelled as she, Tabbi W., and Cinthia jumped into the ring. "Coleen, was that who it think it was?"

"Yes that was Colonel Yum-Yum himself," the Noble Authoress replied. "Henry Crawford was with him."

"Did you say Henry Crawford?" Cinthia exclaimed with a gleam in her eye.

"Yeppers!"

"All right!" Cinthia and Tabbi W. shouted together.

Shemmelle eyed Coleen's bike. "Since you're obviously going after them, can we come too?"

Coleen V. grinned. "Why certainly!" She snapped her fingers and three more motorcycles appeared. The three Dwiggie ladies cheered and climbed onto their bikes. Coleen gave Cinthia an odd look. "Hey, I thought you had caught Mr. Knightley. Why are you going after Henry Crawford?"

"Everyone needs a little spice in their life!" Cinthia replied. "Don't worry, I have Knightley stored away in a safe place. Heheheheheheeeee..."

At Charlie's Pets-Grooming and Boarding...

A large cage sits in the corner of the back room; inside is a man dressed in a monkey suit.

"Hey!" Knightley calls. "Let me outta here!" He banged his cup against the cage bars. "Or at least give me another banana!" he whines as he scratches his flea-bitten head.

Charlie shakes his head. "Boy those gorillas are smart! They seem almost human!"

Back in the ring...

The four motorcycles roared to life. "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!" Tabbi W. shrieked. "Let's get those men!" The Dwiggies jumped the bikes out of the ring and sped through the door.

"What a match!" Stan exclaimed.

"You can say that again," Dan agreed. "Who would have thought Fanny and Jane would be able to pull off such a stunning victory?"

"Hold him down, Tiki!" Kimmie yelled excitedly. "Tanisha and Andrea are coming back with the buckets of water in a minute!"

"This would be easier if you'd grab his legs," Tiki replied. Kimmie grabbed Darcy's legs just before he broke away. The gentleman had been stripped of his coat and vest, the shreds of said articles having been distributed among the ladies, and he now only wore a white shirt and breeches.

Cheers went up as Andrea and Tanisha returned with two buckets of water each. The cheers turned into panting and catcalls as the water was dumped on Darcy. The Dwiggies slowly drew closer to him with a hungry light in their eyes.

"UNHAND HIM YOU FIENDS!" yelled a voice from above.

The ladies stopped and looked up into the rafters. There stood a strange figure dressed in pajamas and a cape with a large "Z" on it.

"Who are you?" Caroline asked.

"I am Super Zeb!" the figure proclaimed as he struck a heroic pose. "I have come to save Darcy and Miss Bennet!"

"You should have been here 20 minutes ago when I asked if anyone could help us," Elizabeth said angrily.

Zeb shrugged. "Sorry, I was just putting the finishing touches on my cape." He leaped off the rafters and landed in the middle of the group. "Now, let me proceed with the rescue! Back off ladies before I do something drastic!"

"There's noting you can ever do to separate me from Darcy!" Ashka said fiercely. The other ladies nodded their agreement.

"Ok," said Zeb, "I didn't want to have to do this!" He reached into his pocket and whipped out a large photo. "Get a load of this!" he shouted triumphantly. The ladies screeched in horror and backed off. The picture was of Mr. Collins dressed in nothing but a pair of leopard-print bikini underwear. "Now run for it!" he yelled to Darcy and Elizabeth.

"But what about you?" Darcy asked.

"Don't worry," Zeb replied, "I can take care of myself."

Darcy shrugged and took Elizabeth's hand. Together, they fled the stadium.

Meanwhile, Vals had recovered sufficiently enough to pull out a photo of Lady Catherine wearing her fishnet stockings. "Oh Zeb!" she called. "Look what I have here!" Zeb turned his head and with one look at the picture, dropped his own photo in disgusted. This freed the rest of the Dwiggies and they surrounded poor Zeb.

"Ladies, please! I'm sure we can work something out!" Zeb said placatingly.

"No we can't!" Maria V replied. "Get him, girls!"

The scene fades to black as Zeb screams in horror...

Two hours later...

The stadium was now empty. The stands were littered with tortilla wrappers and paper cups. The only sound came from way up high in the rafters, dangling by his cape.

"Hello?" Zeb called. "Can somebody help me?" He spun around dizzily as he tried to free himself.

RIP!

"Uh oh... That can't be good!"

The scene once again fades to black...

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!"

CRASH!

"Ooooooooooouuuuch!"

The End.