Posted on Tuesday, 23 May 2000
This is for Ashka and her Ultimate Imagination Dwiggie Contest so I hope you all enjoy! :-D
Darcy sat staring out the window in the library at Pemberley. A dreamy smile lit up his features as thoughts of his lady love flitted through his mind. He had been happily married for six months now and he was sure that there wasn't a happy man in all of England. He was so happy he made the servants at Pemberley sick because some how he managed to work the phrase "peachy keen" into every sentence.
"How is that peachy keen silver being polished?" he would ask of a maid.
"Oh with a rag, sir," the very confused maid would answer.
"Well peachy keen! I must admire that peachy keen job you are doing on that peachy keen vase with that peachy keen polishing rag!"
Ugh!
Yes his life was happy... Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy. Have I made my point yet? Yes? Good. I was about to loose my dinner any moment now. Anyway, back to the library...
Only one thing clouded Darcy's happiness at the moment-Elizabeth was nowhere to be seen.
"Oh," he sighed, "Where is my darling? Where is the woman I love?" The only answer he got was from a loud snoring that seemed to come out of nowhere. He tapped his foot impatiently and said again, but much louder, "I SAAAAAAID, WHERE IS MY DARLING? WHERE IS THE WOMAN I LOVE?" Still no answer... "HELLO? ARE YOU OUT THERE? THAT WAS YOUR CUE!!!"
The snoring stops as the Noble Authoress awakes from the sleep she had fallen into. (Don't worry, I wasn't hurt in the fall-just a few bruises!) "Whaaaaaaaat? I finally fell asleep and you had to go and wake me up! I was having such a nice dream too... I was on this camel with Big Bird and we were hunting down Elmo because he..."
"Enough already!" Darcy yelled. "In case you forgot, you were in the middle of a story!"
"I was? Oooh yeeeeaaaaah... Um... Where was I?" Coleen blinks at the screen tiredly.
"You were supposed to bring in my beloved!"
Coleen yawns. "Alrighty then. No problem."
Darcy turned towards the door expectantly. After a few moments, Pamela Anderson entered the room, wearing nothing but a leopard bikini. She slunk over to Darcy and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Hello darling," she purred, "I've been looking all over for you!"
Darcy's eyes bugged out of his head. "Uh Coleen," he said in a strained voice, "You were supposed to bring in Elizabeth, not... not uh... HER!"
"Huh? That's not Elizabeth?" Coleen rubs her eyes.
"No! She doesn't look anything like Elizabeth!" He rolled his eyes and then muttered, "Moron."
"Hey! What was that you said?"
"Nothing! Nothing at all! Now would you please bring in Elizabeth?"
Coleen wanted nothing more than to be left alone so she could finally sleep. "Yeah sure, whatever. Here she is."
Elizabeth Darcy walked into the room and stopped in shock when she saw Pamela Anderson draped around her husband. "FITZWILLIAM WILLIAM LIAM BILL WILL BILL WILLS DARCY!" she shrieked. "WHAT IN THE WILD, WILD WEST IS GOING ON? WHO IS THAT?"
Darcy blushed a cherry red all the way to his hairline, which receded slightly in shock. "I... Uh... I... COLEEN! WHAT ARE TRYING TO DO TO ME? YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET RID OF THIS WOMAN BEFORE YOU BROUGHT ELIZABETH IN!"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, get rid of Pamela... Blah blah blah..." Coleen turns away from the screen, snoring and drooling slightly.
"WILL YOU WAKE UP? HEY! YOU! YES I'M CALLING TO YOU!"
"What? Did you say you wanted Collins? Okaaaaay..."
"Wait! I didn't say..." Darcy gasped in horror.
The library door opened once again and stage smoke poured through the opening. A rasping breath was heard followed by a greasy step. In walked the toad named Collins.
"Ah my dear Mr. Darcy. I am shocked to find you with another woman even though my cousin Elizabeth is entirely unsuitable for you. You should have married that noble creature, Miss Anne DeBourgh and you never would have been forced to seek solace in the arms of another woman, especially one that wears such a revealing outfit. Lady Catherine DeBourgh herself predicted that this unfortunate situation would happen and condescendingly said that..."
Darcy, Elizabeth, and Pamela backed up into a corner as the Collins advanced on them with every syllable he uttered. "ACK! CALL HIM OFF! CALL HIM OFF!" they shrieked loudly.
"What do you mean call him off? You said you wanted him although I can't possibly conceive of a notion why you would! Will you people just please make up your minds? Argh!"
The door opened AGAIN and the evil Empire music from Star Wars began to play as Lady Catherine marched in the room. "I demand to know what is going on!"
Lady Catherine's strident voice somewhat awakens Coleen from the nap she had been planning to take. Coleen's mind turns groggily as she tries to remember where she was in the story. "Hmmmm... I think I was at Pamela Anderson and the bikini... Or was it Lady C?" She stares at the screen with a muddled look on her face. She taps the keyboard experimentally.
POOF!
The other four occupants of the room stared at Lady Catherine in horror... Well actually Mr. Collins had this rather silly grin on his face because he... Well... Let's not get into that. I still want to keep my dinner... Lady Cat was now dressed in a zebra print bikini.
Darcy could not longer contain himself. "HOLY SHHHHHHHHHHH..." Three pairs of hands hastily clapped over his mouth.
"What are you trying to do?" Elizabeth hissed, "Get Coleen disqualified from the contest! You know no unsuitable language is allowed!"
"Good!" Darcy said, "After all she's put us through, I want her to be disqualified! Why do we want to help her?"
"You fool!" Collins hissed.
"Ha! Now that's the funniest thing I've heard all day! Mr. Collins calling somebody a fool? Ahahahahahahaaaaaa!"
"I still don't get it," said Darcy.
Elizabeth rolled her eyes. "If we don't help Coleen now, she'll make us pay later. She does hold the power of the pen over us after all! Do you really want to wake up one morning and find yourself married to Lydia? Or my mother?"
"You have a point there," Darcy said reluctantly. He turned to Collins and said, "What do you have to be afraid of? I don't think there's anything Coleen could do to torture you."
Collins looked around nervously and replied, "Oh yes there is!"
Curiosity got the better of Darcy. "Oh and what's that?" Mr. Collins whispered something into Darcy's ear. "I... uh... that... that's horrible," Darcy stammered, his face looking rather green. For many years after this, Darcy would occasionally awaken, screaming in the middle of the night.
"Heheheheheheee... Yes I do hold the power! Bow down to me!"
"Do we have to?" Darcy asked.
"Well no. But it would be nice."
"I'd rather not. Are you quite finished with us or did you need us for more of your twisted stories."
"Oh no. I'm finished for now. Y'all can go about your business!"
"Uh, one thing... Can you fix this umm... unusual situation?" Darcy asked, indicating the bikini-clad Pamela and Lady Cat. "Oh and don't forget to take Collins with you."
"No problem."
POOF!
POOF!
POOF!
"Anything else?"
"Well you could make things happy for me again..."
"Ugh? Why? It's so disgusting!"
"Puuuuuuuleeeeeaaaase?" Darcy begged, giving the Noble Authoress a puppy dog face and batting his eyes."
"No."
"Pretty puuuuuuuuuleeeeeeaaaaaaaase?" he begged again, this time giving her The Look.
"Oh, all right, all right! Then maybe I'll be able to get some sleep."
"Thank you!"
"Yeah, whatever."
"I love you," said Elizabeth, her heart in her eyes.
"And I love you," Darcy replied, giving her The Look.
"Let's never fight again."
"No, never."
"Never, ever, ever." Elizabeth and Darcy gazed lovingly into one another's eyes.
And so, Dear Readers, we leave the Darcys at Pemberley to glory in all their happiness. They took delight in each other's company, loving each other through good times, bad times, and stupid times. They had a parcel of delightful children who were wonderfully well behaved and never gave their parents grief. Everything was happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy... Awwwwwwwww! To heck with this! Now I'm really going to loose my dinner!
Cue the dramatic music as the scene pans out on Pemberley and slowly fades into black. Retching noises can clearly be heard in the background.