Section I, Next Section

Instructions, Prologue and a bit of a Drag.

Authors - take notice of when your classes are, and what they are ....prospective authors, look at end to see who is left.....

Back on the Ranch

Dusk had fallen heavily over Mansfield. The impenetrable gloom that seemed to hang from the very far reaches of the room seemed to stem from the sole occupant himself. For a lone young man sat in the corner of his apartment, his head hung low; cradled between his two hands. In all fairness this despondent youth was rather handsome in a bookish sort of way, tall and well- formed, yet something in his demeanour or countenance belied his inner weakness.

Now he sat wrestling between his desires and his principles; between his resolutions and that cunning little smile of Mary Crawford; between his conscience and that cute, smart little figure of hers. Stop it Edmund he berated himself as his thoughts wandered back to the day where he lifted her onto the horse...feeling the small of her waist....

What would Fanny think. Dear Fanny, another topic of consternation for Edmund. For sometimes as he valued her marvelous mind and morally superiority he wondered did he not feel something more than just cousinly regard for her?

He glanced down at the copy of Lover's Vows that he held in his fist. He flipped through it again, hoping it less offensive on a second reading. Yet, even a third or fourth glance at the rather heated conversations did not reveal any relief. It only served to...to well produce feelings a good clergyman ought not to have.

The longer he sat in contemplation the more he longed to give in to his desires and act with Ms. Crawford. Act how perfectly shocking what would Father think or even Fanny...

At that very moment Edmund felt defeated, he had given into his weakness...in fact he felt not quite unlike a wuss....A what, where did that thought come from...he wasn't even sure what a 'wuss' was. Yet, it sounded so appropriate...

"Yes," he said aloud, "I am a WUSS."

Suddenly he heard a creak against the door, almost as if a great weight (perhaps some very hunky muscles) was leaning against it.

"Who is there?" Edmund squeaked, huddled in the corner with fear. "Show yourself," he cried sounding very much like a young girl all the while hoping that he would NEVER see what was on the other side of the door.

Suddenly the door gave way, revealing a very large group of VERY handsome men.

Edmund started to speak but no sound came out, he really wanted to cry...or at least run to his Mommy but he was paralyzed with fear.

"Don't speak," said a rather tall gentleman with a proud air and a piercing (although Edmund interpreted as menacing) gaze as he came towards him.

A second well-built Sailor came forward, he swaggered forward and motioned towards the group of men, "Do you recognise us?" he asked in a strong, deep baritone.

Edmund managed to shake his head no.

"I thought as much," replied a strikingly handsome gentleman who appeared a little older than the rest with a little grey touching the temples.

Another young man, whom Edmund immediately recognised as a fellow man of the cloth, spoke in a friendly if a little bumbling manner, "You see...Edmund...you must allow me....we are..."

He was intercepted by one of his friends an officer of perhaps 5 and thirty with a rather distinguished air who lay an arm on the clergyman, quieting him, "What my friend Edward is explaining is that we are your friends, consider us your comrades, your allies in your troubles."

"What we're doing is for your own good." Said a young minister with a witty smirk plastered on his face.

The tall, proud turned to another officer, a gorgeous, well-built sandy- haired Adonis (all right that's the opinion of the this authoress) who seemed to burst from the seams of his red coat.

The proud young man spoke to him, "Col. Hotpan...damn that Colleen she's even got us calling you that...I mean Col. Fitzwilliam will you do the honors."

"With pleasure Darce," he said as he approached Edmund, "Sorry about this old chap...but it's for your own good." He said with a charming smile. With that the officer came and whacked Edmund over the head and Edmund felt his world go black and felt himself go out like a light.

Meanwhile In London

Ash stalked the rooms, clasping his hands behind his back and muttering, "I knew I NEVER should have agreed to this. If it were just my cousin and brother I would not be here, but I owe it to my beloved creator to help HER. But Why did she let this other one borrow me?? I want Kitty!!!....I could be home with my wife, not here at Business......Hrumph..... This is just Not going to work..... kidnapping, a PLAY, and classes on heroic behaviour???? At least I only have to set up the facility and schedule the seminars."

The Business Hotel was one of London's finest for meetings, the manager even promised Ash that everything would be taken care of with just one meeting with a "project manager." And where was this mysterious project manager???

"Excuse me.." a voice intoned, "I am looking for Lord Ashbourne."

Ash turned around and ceased his mutterings. He found himself face to face with a very tall young man.

"I'm Lord Ashbourne"

"Dave," he extended his hand "I'm your project manager."

"Good, let's get down to business."

"But we're already here." Dave looked confused.

Ash took a deep breath, "I meant let's get to work, I want to go home."

Dave nodded and took out a large plan book. "First thing is the dates of the event."

"The captive should be here in a week maybe less."

Captive??? "Uh huh. And how many days will you be here?"

"Four, maybe five"

"Exactly what kind of seminar are you doing?"

"Well, I'm not. The others are giving classes on heroic behaviour to another 'gentleman'."

"So you'll need just this one meeting room, right?"

"Yeah, I think."

Dave sighed and rubbed his eyes, this was not easy... Why did they always send the clueless guy to plan the meeting? (Dave's wife smacks him upside the head - Dave growls and then smiles at Ash) "Look, You're new at this, and you're a nice guy, and my wife likes you, soooo.. I'm going to give you a break. I need some specifics NOW or you're going to encounter the FJMA tax later."

"FJMA?" Ash was completely confused and really just wanted to go home...

Dave smiled, "It's a special tax we give our most difficult and INDECISIVE clients... 'For Jerking Me Around'. Why don't you try to give me a more concrete schedule."

One hour later....

Dave and Ash shook hands. The details were over. They would have this large room with a stage at one end (and green drape), and second small room behind the stage for a green room/changing room.

A screen, slide projector, flip chart, and sound system would also be provided. The hotel would provided water (squeals of Dwiggie delight echoed throughout the cosmos ;) coffee, or tea between classes, as well as meals. Ash sighed in relief and hurried home to Kitty.

One week later

Dave looked around the room satisfied that everything was in place. I'm glad this is over. Who needs a Two-way mirror in a green room? It must be one of those new big brother shows or something. He spied a group of large men with determined looks coming towards him. Seeing Lord Ashbourne he assumed this was the group.

"Everything's ready as you requested. Just call me if you need me." And Dave, thankfully made his escape. (Not that he didn't like Ash, but he was really embarrassed that his wife put him in this story in the first place.)

Ash turned to Col. Fitzwilliam, "The coast is clear, bring him in."

"Through the lobby?!! Won't an unconscious man who's bound hand and foot draw a LITTLE attention to us."

"You dunderhead, use the back hallway through the kitchen."

Col. Fitz, Col. Brandon, Darcy, and Wentworth left to retrieve Edmund while Ash took the others to the green room and showed them the schedule.

Day ONE:

The Introduction - The Need for Lessons -

HEROIC BEHAVIOUR

Knightly The Art of Being a Gentleman Even When it Hurts

Bingley A motivational speech on how to be happy

(Break for Lunch)

Mr. Collins (An Unexpected Visitor) on the Joys of Patronage

Wentworth Romantic Expression or The Art of the Epistle

Benwick Hiding Obvious Physical Flaws With the Joys of Poetry.

Col Brandon Undying Devotion to One's True Love.

(Dinner)

Evening entertainment

DAY TWO - More Heroic Seminars

Tilney The Art of Witty Conversation

Ferrars The Idiot's Guide to Procuring a Beautiful Wife (hey if I can do it anyone Can!)

Musgrove Real Men Hunt!

(Lunch)

Palmer How to Be a Charming Cynic Without Getting Slapped Upside the Head

Darcy How to treat your Lady right (even if it means helping her low class family)

Col. Hotpants How to Drive Women Wild! (uh Fitzwilliam)

(Dinner)

DAY THREE - Roguish Behaviour

Willoughby How to Seduce Young Women

Wickham Deception and Degradation...this is my story

(LUNCH)

Mr. Elliot How to Spend an Inheritance in Just One London Season

Crawford Flattery - My Ticket to Fame

Churchill How to Flirt Flagrantly

(DINNER)

Special slide show presentation - The Dangers Of Roguish Behaviour

DAY FOUR

A GENERAL SESSION taught by all- How to Be a HUNK!!! (The men groaned and muttered ....more wet t-shirts, smoldering gazes, tight butts, red coats.....)

"Well, this looks good... except I don't think I am...um...hunky." Edward Ferrars managed to blurt out.

"I think that we ought to let the authors deal with the problem. They created it." Knightly pointed out. There was a general murmur of agreement, but before anything else could be discussed Col. Brandon and the others appeared.

"It's done. He's awake now but I left the bag over his head until we are ready."

"Ready for what?" someone asked.

"The Introduction" said Ash.

"Whose doing the Introduction?" Asked Col. Fitzwilliam. He was slightly nervous. I could swear I heard Colleen and Tabbi when we were in the hallway. They wouldn't bring the 'Chasing' thing HERE, would they? Naw, they couldn't be here......

(Actually many of the Dwiggie ladies were there, behind the green room in a secret room with a 2-way mirror installed just for their viewing enjoyment....)

A clatter of falling plates and shrieking maids let the others know the Rogues had arrived en masse.

Cue The Rumble from West Side Story

Darcy immediately made sure his wallet was secure, whilst Col. Brandon paced and chanted, "Marianne will kill me if I kill him. Marianne will kill ME if I kill HIM...."

Wentworth just ground his teeth and glared turning several nearby glasses of water to ice.

"Well, thank you. I needed something cold to drink." smiled Churchill. "Those ladies certainly like to talk..... And I'm always happy to oblige." He winked at Knightly.

Knightly made a fist and contemplated some very ungentleman-like thoughts before smiling, "Well, I can certainly see that you married into the right family then...."

Churchill just smiled, I see some of Emma's influence has rubbed off. I wonder if I can make him crack and say something REALLY rude?

In exasperation, Ash finally interrupted the silent turf war. "Gentlemen, I believe we should get started. Shem left the introduction and instructions here. Those of you who are not involved are to just sit here." said Ash.

Back in the Actual Conference Room

Edmund struggled against his bonds, but it was to no avail. He couldn't see, oh My God I'm BLIND!!! Never to see my Mary again! Suddenly the bag was removed from his head and Edmund could suddenly see again. However this wasn't Mansfield Park, it appeared to be a conference centre and Edmund was looking directly at the stage.

Suddenly the stage was lit up and a tall gentleman who Edmund did not have the pleasure of knowing was thrust onto the stage.

"All right All right I'm going...I'm going....I don't know where I'm going but I'm going." The man straightened out his rather fine (too fine in Edmund's opinion) coat and smiled graciously at Edmund. The gentleman's sharp eyes then took in the fact that Edmund was bound to the chair and began to look alarmed.

"I say...............DARCE...............................FITZWILLIAM..........why is he tied to the chair???????????????"

A muffled noise came from beyond the curtains.

"oh I see....................." replied the Gentleman. Who took a deep breath and began.

"Hello, I'm Lord Horatio Ashbourne, some of you might remember me from such stories as Introducing Puck or The Missing Link....." Lord Ashbourne got no further as a shoe was thrown at him.

"You idiot, that's not how you are supposed to begin."

Lord Ashbourne looked affronted "Look you asked me to do this........much against my will I must say! And it's only out of love and respect for my beloved creator that I said I would come here tonight....so shut up and let me continue." Ash, shrugged and shook himself down before continuing, he made a massive gesture and out of nowhere a giant red book fell into his hands. A drum roll was picked up from somewhere.

"Edmund Bertram................this is YOUR life!"

Ash stood aside and started to look bewildered, he made a gesture as if to say "Now what??". Suddenly a hand appeared and thrust a set of cards at him. "Oh I see. .....Edmund Bertram this is your life...........I SAID THAT ALREADY!!"

"Oh get ON with it."

"Right, Edmund Bertram was born on a little estate called Mansfield Park, born to Parents Lady Bertram and Sir Thomas, he was the second son."

The curtains opened, revealing a large Cot. *for the sake of the audience I will use the actors names, even if Edmund does not know who they are* Wentworth was charmingly attired in a lace negligee, clasping to his non-existent bosom, a card board cut out that appeared to resemble Edmund. Beside him was Brandon.

"Oh my dear Sir Thomas, another Son!" trilled Wentworth in Falsetto, trying to keep a hold on the cardboard cut-out while simultaneously trying to drink vast quantities of laudanum.

"Indeed another son!" cried Brandon trying to look like someone who might possibly have slave plantations in Antigua.

The two then attempted to put their 'son' into the cot, he was too big. And unfortunately in trying to squeeze him into the cot, the two gentlemen broke his legs off.

Trying to look unfazed, Wentworth gaily laughed "I hope he will not tease poor Pug" At which point Edward Ferrars crawled on stage with what appeared to be bunny ears attached to his head and barked.

The light dimmed on this scene and rose back up again upon Ash, who looked like he was in a state of shock.

"RIGHT................I think............To Edmund's parents were born a son, previously, called Tom after his father and then two little girls, Maria and Julia."

The lights arose on a nice family scene. Frank Churchill, wore a big sign that said "I am Tom." And was trying unsuccessfully to sit upon his 'mothers' knee. Maria Bertram, a la Colonel Fitzwilliam was wearing a nice shade of pink with a nice pink bow in his hair. And Mr. Knightley was playing Julia, he appeared to keep getting relegated to the back ground cause the Colonel was having too much fun trying to get his best profile facing the audience (a rather stunned Edmund). And what of stage version Edmund. Well Brandon was having excessive difficulty trying to pose in a loving father son way, when his son had no legs.

The group looked uncomfortable for a few minutes................nothing appeared to be happening............Edward sidled on stage into the background ,trying to look Puggish. Finally Col. Fitzwilliam hissed "get ON with it Ash."

"Oh right, yes, silly me. ............It was such a happy home. Even the aspect of having Mrs. Norris as his Aunt didn't faze the little Edmund."

Darcy, who was dressed in a severe matronly type dress, came on stage as Mrs. Norris, followed by Mr. Bingley who looked entirely too happy for someone who was married to Mrs. Norris.

"Oh My dear Sir Thomas what a fine second son you have!" cried Darcy making no attempt to change his deep and alluring voice.....pausing to look at the cut out and then whispered entirely too loudly. "But why on earth has he got no legs??"

"SHUT UP" whispered the assembled cast.

"Ah Sir Thomas, Mrs. Norris and I have brought your fine son a present, it's a Teddy Bear. "

Edmund (the one in the audience as cut outs can't shudder) shuddered as Mr. Collins in a bear costume pranced on stage.

"My fine and noble patroness, said that it would not be at all untoward to appear in this charming amusement for young people....indeed I think acting a very innocent amusement and .............." But what Collins was going to say next was lost as Brandon in shock (he had never met Collins before) dropped his son, on Collinses head, rendering him unconscious.

The entire stage turned to look hopelessly at their narrator................ who was almost lost to a bout of hysteria.

"Edmund.....*snort* called him *whumpfh*...............Puddles............*huge cackle* "

Once the illustrious narrator had stopped choking he continued.

"Puddles was Edmund's only friend Edmund took him everywhere he was called Puddles cause Edmund dragged him through Puddles. "

Collins was picked up bodily by Darcy and Knightly and dragged through a helpful puddle created by Wentworth throwing a jug of water on the stage.

"But unfortunately Puddles was lost, it was hinted that his little sisters decided to throw him away when Edmund wasn't looking."

Knightly picked up Collins and threw him off stage. The Colonel looked as though he would have liked to help but didn't want to spoil the dress.

"Edmund cried and cried, he loved his Puddles deeply. "

Bingley in haste to be helpful, grabbed another jug of water and threw it at Edmund the cut-out, which promptly sagged. The cast glared at Bingley who looked deeply regretful.

"Anywayyyyy," said Ash. "Edmund didn't need to worry for soon a new friend would come to Mansfield, his cousin Fanny Price."

There was a long expectant pause. "his COUSIN Fanny Price."

There was another long expectant pause, until finally Wentworth stormed off stage and dragged Benwick back with him (who only had half a dress on.......it's best not to ask why, these poetic types are all too easily offended)

"Sorrrryyyy, I was in the middle of Queen Mab!" said Benwick in a very un-Fanny Price like fashion.

The entire cast promptly shushed Benwick.

"Fanny Price was a timid shy little girl, who adored her big cousin, Edmund immensely. Edmund of course did not notice this."

Benwick was about to spout some beautiful poetry to his beloved Edmund, when he noticed the legless, wet, soggy, decomposing state of the cut -out.

"Bleck I'm supposed to be in love with that???" cried Benwick, his poetical soul deeply wounded.

Benwick was disgusted and stormed off stage.

"Hmmmmmmmm" said Ash, throwing away a few of the cards. "Right I think we will jump to here. Edmund went to school..........nothing much happened there.............went to Oxford.........nothing much of importance there......hmmm lets see.......burning ambition to be a clergyman...can we do something with that??"

"Yes" cried Brandon! Trying to speak in a fatherly way to a soggy clump of cardboard was no mean feat, but Brandon managed.

"If you want to be a clergyman, I'll give you a couple of livings............that is if your brother doesn't gamble too much."

"Right........okay on with the Story......The Crawfords a lively couple from London soon arrived in the neighbour hood........................."

Henry Crawford playing himself and Henry Tilney as Mary waltzed on stage.

"Wait a minute, he isn't supposed to be here!" cried Henry C pointing at Brandon.

"oooppps Sorry cards got stuck together......backtracking.......Edmund's Father, went to Antigua with his brother........who came home earlier then his father. "

Brandon hurriedly dropped the cardboard mush on the floor with a resounding thud and raced off stage. Wentworth cried out "My Baby!" then looked rather sheepish. Frank raced off stage and raced back on again this time his sign said. "I'm Tom - I've been to Antigua, and possibly now hate my father and want to run away and become an artist."

"Right.....now cue the Crawfords."

Henry C continued to walk on stage, talking to his sister Henry Da-Man.

"I hope all the young ladies down here are as agreeable as town ladies!"

"I hope they sell unfrayable muslin's in the country. I do love a figured muslin. "

The Henrys swanned around, the centre of the stage which was put a stop to when Da Man almost tripped over the remains of Edmund.

There was a huge ungentlemanlike snort from our narrator before he picked up his tale.

"Edmund was immediately enraptured by Mary Crawford, and his sisters likewise by Henry."

Col. Fitzwilliam attempted to drape himself across Henry C's lap, while Knightly (not wanting to demean himself even for the sake of Acting) tried to put an arm around Henry C's shoulder. Da-Man was having a large problem relating to the lump of Cardboard so he sat upon it.

"Unfortunately Maria Bertram was engaged..........engaged...who on earth was she engaged to???" exclaimed Ash looking around bewildered.

The Colonel placed himself in a more upright position and looked also confused. Suddenly the doors of the conference room burst open. In walked Mr. Rushworth, attired in a confection made of pink silk shouting "I have forty speeches and that is No mean thing I tell you!"

The Colonel looked horrified. Darcy taking pity on him shouted. "I'm the director here. I'm sorry we have already *ahem* cast your part..........good-byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" and promptly pushed him out the door.

Knightly hissed "But we need a Rushworth."

"Oh go get Palmer" Snapped Edward who was finding that being Pug and being stroked Wentworth was excessively trying on his nerves.

So Mr. Palmer was dragged on stage, still clutching a copy of the Porcupine.

Ash cleared his throat. "Right Maria was engaged to Mr. Rushworth." Ash gestured at Mr. Palmer who stood there looking sardonic. "So Julia was upset that Maria got Henry Crawford's attention."

Knightly and Col. Fitzwilliam, demonstrated this by starting to have a fist fight, until it was broken up by Bingley who hated scenes of violence.

"Actually Bingley I think you are supposed to be dead by now, cause your wife has moved up to Mansfield Park." Remarked Ash flipping through the cards.

"oh!" replied Bingley who then proceeded to go into a long drawn out dying scene, which was very unfortunately cut short by Da Man Tilney kicking him off stage.

"Back to the story at hand, Fanny was being completely ignored as Edmund was completely obsessed by Mary............" Ash paused looking around "In fact often Fanny just wasn't present at all. .......hmmm but Tom came up with a wonderful diversionary plan."

Frank puffed himself up, ready to deliver his only line of the play when Mr. Palmer spoiled it for him, folding up 'The Porcupine" and announcing,

"Oh I see, we're acting out Edmund's life.....of course, but you must know this is driveling madness."

This little speech made poor little Frank screw up his face into a little ball. So Da Man Tilney and Henry C had to take over.

"Lets put on a play brother!"

"Yes Lover's Vow's! I'll play opposite Maria! I love an engaged woman!" cried Henry C.

Henry C took Col. Fitzwilliam in his arms for a loving embrace. Which caused Knightly to sulk, Edward started yapping away defensively, Wentworth woke up abruptly (too many sips of laudanum) Da-Man Tilney attempted to hug his beloved piece of soggy mashed up cardboard, And Darcy just shook his head and called "CUT"

The actors promptly lined up and took a bow and raced off stage. The lights turned themselves up fully on Ash, whose brow creased, then lightened as he threw the remaining cue cards over his shoulder and gave a beaming smile.

"Well there you have it....Edmund of course refused to take any part in the play. The End, Edmund Bertram that was your life."

Ash took a deep breath.......looked around at the empty room, except from the unconscious Collins and the tied up Edmund.

"Well if that's all I have to do I think I shall be off." Ash started to whistle and began to saunter towards the exit.

"wait, " said a feeble voice.

Ash turned and looked at Edmund. "You spoke?"

"Yes."

"Well what is it?"

"What was the point of that?"

Ash sighed walked back to Edmund pulled up a chair and sat down.

"I'm not really sure, but I think it was a .................hmmmm ACTIVE demonstration how boring and tedious your life is. I mean Darcy would have brooded your family into silence and co-operation by now. Knightly would have managed to control your family with firm kind manner, Edward would have bumbled his way around knocking everything into place and Wentworth...isn't a captain of the navy for nothing. I mean you need some help man! Admit it..........i mean Puddles for goodness sakes!"

"Didn't you have a Teddy?" replied Edmund with a slight whimper in his voice.

"No I have a Kitty." replied Ash conspiratorially.

"You see you must understand then!" Said Edmund.

Ash groaned...."No it was a witty play on words....you see my wife............NEVERMIND you wouldn't get it!!!!"

Ash got up to leave as he was walking to the exit he turned and looked towards Edmund. "You don't look as though you are going anywhere, may I suggest you pay some attention to the classes you are taught? It might help you know."

Ash turned, framed in the doorway and had an overwhelming desire to say "Wibity Wibit That's All folks." And munch a carrot. Though being a genuine hero though he controlled this desire.

And so Edmund was left, feeling very unheroic.......Perhaps we can help him out there, the lessons *ahem* will appear in timetable order (unlike Sydney Trains *ahem* just my little joke. So the first poster will be Sania the Elli then Me, then Bridget, Then from there we have Benwick and Col. Brandon (as yet Un-taken, surely someone wants them! ) Onto Day two; Tabbi, then Ferrars and Musgrove (someone must WANT them SURELY) then Carrie , then Meghan, then Colleen as the lovely Col. F, Then after that we have Willouhby, then Wickham, Elliot, Kathy then JEN R.

So you see, plenty of Men still left!!! Please write down the order in which everyone appears and there subject of lecture. (and if you are before or after lunch or whatever, please Don't hesitate to include if you are feeling really adventurous (think of the fun of Feeding Edmund!) The Entertainment night, provided on the first evening will be organized by Elli, anyone with ideas, call her :) The Slide Presentation is up for grabs, anyone with a penchant for villains need apply :)

And the last day and wrap up will be handled by yours truly (the respected authors,) but open to advice..... as always :)

Lots of Love Sania, Elli and Shem.

By Sania ~ Class 1: Knightly

Knightly: How to be a gentleman even when it hurts...

A debonair man of about 5 and thirty appeared to glide through the door in a top hat and tails, white gloves and all. He tipped the hat at Edmund, who giggled like a school girl at the striking figure before him. "Knightley's the name" he said suavely as he swung around a rolling chair and arranged himself in a graceful position.

"Pleased to make your acquaintance Sir" said Edmund that looked more like a courtesy than a bow.

Knightly cringed, "No, no, no...all wrong...badly done Edmund...badly done."

Edmund looked as if he were about to cry.

Knightly guided Edmund's arm into a graceful bow, "there you go chap...now be cool...play it cool."

"Ok sir," said Edmund with a bob.

"NO! No more Sir business, you're a MAN, a gentleMAN" he said as he rapped his cane on Edmund's knuckles, "remember that."

Edmund's eyes filled with tears. that HURT Where was puddles when he needed him...

"All right, stand up lad...let's get on with it." He said as he rose, "there are 3 hallmarks of gentlemanly behavior...Courtesy, Charm, and Sense....do you have a pad you should write this down."

Edmund's head bobbed an affirmative as he searched about for a hotel pad and pen.

"....Sense lad is something that is rather difficult to cultivate...take's some chaps years to get some into their head...like my friend Wentworth here- took the fool 8 years to realize that he was still in love his former fiancée'...but well, it'll take you a good...how long have you known Fanny?"

"10 years...Si..I mean Knightly."

"...well it will take you a good eleven years to do the same." He said leaving Edmund very confused, for he had not yet gotten the opportunity to read the end of Mansfield yet...poor thing.

"...So sense is something we shall leave off for a bit...hopefully you can pick it up as we go along...Charm...well, Charm is something equally difficult to teach." He said as he flashed a dazzling smile, "but luckily there's enough of that stuff floating around here, especially in the Rogue Room," his smile disappeared as he thought of that Villain Churchill, "that we hope you'll be coated with it by the time you leave." Then he turned and appeared to talk into something of an intercom (yes I realize that Edmund does not know what an intercom is...but I do) and say "send them in."

"However, there is one aspect of Gentlemanly behavior that can be taught....and that my lad is Courtesy." He said with a flourish, waiting for applause...Edmund being as perfectly clueless as he is was remiss...Knightly was miffed, yet the sight to come was plenty to cheer him again, "I'm going to give you a few examples my dear boy from my own life...where I've performed courteously no matter how painful" he said with a grimace.

"All right the first instance is one at a party at Highbury, a young girl by the name of Harriet Smith is left alone without a partner." He motions to the green room...nothing happens, "I SAID A YOUNG GIRL IS LEFT WITHOUT A PARTNER," he says with some force. Finally the door opens and the handsome army officer enters sans shirt, carrying a large wet towel, rolled up ready to snap. Noises that sound like women drooling and fainting on the floor are heard from the back room. Edmund- who has never heard a single woman drool or faint over him- is unsure of what the ruckus is about.

"Come on Darcy...or shall I say 'Harriet'," calls out the Colonel as he flexes a tricep...there's a clawing noise from the back room as someone (who will remain nameless...colleen) is attempting to claw her way out of the room behind the green room. 'Harriet' enters from the green room dressed in a tight-fitting gown and gobs of jewelry.

"Darcy, Darcy, Darcy...how many times do I have to tell you less is more...It is Regency after all...and let me tell you something old chap...peach is definitely not your color."

"Oh do shut up Hotpants, at least I'm not strutting about a loincoth with a wet towel in my hands," said 'Harriet' with a most un-ladylike sneer.

"Gentleman, gentleman please...Darcy that towel is to be employed to smack you every time you get out of character," Darcy was promptly smacked by his cousin, "Now where were we...ahhh yes, 'A young girl is left without a partner." As he motions towards Darcy standing in the corner looking desolate.

"I'm not surprised she's HIDEOUS," says Edmund with a chuckle wait did Edmund just make a joke? This must be working already

'Harriet' stopped being coy for a moment and shot Edmund a glare that sent shivers down his spine and he yelped and dove behind the chair. Colonel snapped Darcy for getting out of character.

"You see Edmund...a true gentleman ensures that a lady is never without a partner...no matter how distasteful dancing...or dancing with this lady may be." He said as he took 'Harriet' into his arms and began swinging 'her' about the room.

"Stop leading Darcy...I'm supposed to lead."

"It's not my fault, I don't know how to follow...I've never danced with another man before." He was snapped by a towel, "ok, there was just that one time with Wickham when I was younger...but that's it." He replied indignantly.

"You see Edmund," replied Knightly as he dipped Darcy until his sash grazed the floor, "dancing with this particular young 'lady' at the moment is revolting...however..."

"A gentleman never leaves a lady without a partner. Check" said Edmund with a smug smile.

"Then I hope you learned the error of your ways when you left your poor cousin Fanny without a partner while you were off waltzing about with Mary Crawford." Said Knightly still holding 'Harriet' in a dip.

"Will you let me down Knightly," said Darcy belligerently. Knightly released and he fell soundly on his rear. 'Harriet' then took the opportunity to scamper out the door, picking up 'her' skirts as 'she' ran rather becomingly.

Edmund was crestfallen as he realized that he had not acted as a gentleman ought to act...

"The next lesson involves a certain Ms. Bates, and illustrates that you can be firm yet courteous all at the same time," smiled Knightly as he moved towards the intercom, "send 'her' in."

The Colonel opened the door and screamed, "come on Wentworth" there was no response, "sometimes I worry about that man," muttered the Colonel under his breath, then with a huge sigh, "I mean come in my dear Ms. Bates."

A large muscular man dressed in a demure white gown and small spectacles waltzed into the room, immediately rushing to Knightley's side and grabbing his arm and jabbering away all type of sweet nothings.

Knightly turned to the colonel, who replied "don't ask me...those men are away at sea for a LONG time...you never know."

Knightly sighed, then turned to Edmund, "all right observe...this chattering...rather overexcited lady is thanking me profusely...I want to be rid of her, yet remain the gentleman...what do I do?" Then turning to Wentworth who was still jabbering non-stop in a high nasal tone- well as high and nasal as his deep baritone could pull off, "Ms. Bates...I insist that we end such a discourse for I have done nothing extraordinary and certainly nothing that merits your thanks...let us talk on more pleasant things."

Knightly ended with a flourish as Wentworth/Ms. Bates stared up at him with adoration. "You see my boy that's how it's done. Would you like to try."

Edmund got up shyly and took Ms. Bates arm, a very large muscular and hairy arm at that, in his, "Ms. Bates I INSIST that we end this discourse...let us talk of more pleasant things." Edmund felt a strange feeling of power at the pit of his stomach, he felt funny as if hair was sprouting on his chin and his voice was becoming deeper. Finally, what had not happened at puberty was coming to pass so many years later...Edmund was becoming a man!

Wentworth turned to Knightly taking him in his arms and planting a big wet one on his lips, "oh Mr. Knightly I've loved you since I first set eyes on you on that Highbury street corner so many years ago."

Knightly sputtered attempting to wipe off Wentworth's spittle on his sleeve for Wentworth was a messy kisser indeed, "What in God's name did you do that for Wentworth?" he asked full of indignation

"It was in the script," he said still in the same nasal voice.

"What script you ninny, this is my class!"

"Why the one that Frank fellow gave me."

"Churchill, that villain...that rogue! Calm yourself Knightly real gentleman do not string up others. Real gentleman do not hit others with 2X4's" he said talking calming breaths. "Hotpants do me a favor and...."

"Stop calling me HOTPANTS"

"Well whatever your name is could you..."

"As you'll observe sir, I'm not even wearing pants."

"Yes, quite lovely...now would you be so kind as to..."

"I'm wearing a loincloth, Sir."

"Yes, and you look quite fetching Colonel Hotloins."

"Hotloins, that doesn't sound half bad does it," said Hotloins as he muttered to himself about that infernal Colleen.

Edmund had at this point started dancing with Wentworth, who took to following a great deal easier than Darcy...no one asked though, remember he was in the Navy...at sea...for long periods of time...

Edmund was puffing out his chest and strutting his stuff like never before, thrusting his shoulder and spinning a blushing Wentworth about the room.

Knightly applauded gleefully, "By Jove, I think he's got it." He said with glee.

Wentworth turned menacingly, "who's Joe...who told you about him...I told you it was a fling and nothing more...I love ANNE" he explained angrily as he picked up his skirts and stalked out of the room.

"I give up!" cried Knightly as he threw up his hands and left to seek solace in the smiles of his very dear Emma.

Class 2: Bingley and the Art of Being Happy ~ By Elli

Bingley: Happiness is....

Edmund sat dejected and confused (not to be confused with dazed and confused which is usually chemically induced through illegal substances AND which BTW the author thoroughly and strongly discourages! Just in case there was any doubt--- Now, back to our tale...)

Edmund sat dejected and confused. This was going to be harder than it looked. He wanted to be a MAN; he wanted to have sense, charm, and oh yeah, courtesy; he even wanted to dance, although NOT with that big guy named Harriet....

And now he was to learn to be happy?!?!? He was already happy. Wasn't he?? What could this guy teach that he didn't already know it's like reviewing the addition tables in Calc class. Edmund paused in his thoughts, what the heck is Calc class?

Suddenly, Bingley bounced into the room

(This caused the author to begin singing "The wonderful thing about Tiggers, Is Tigger's a wonderful thing. Their tops are made out of rubber, their bottoms made out of springs*.....Tigger lovers everywhere covered their ears and yelled 'Yuck!, Tiggers don't like your singing! The author sheepishly slips out and makes arrangements to rectify the lack of good singing accompaniment and then gets on with the story.)

"Good morning Edmund. I'm DELIGHTED to be here." Bingley being an enthusiastic sort, vigorously shook Edmund's hand, privately noting that it was like tossing dead carp. "I can't think of a more pleasant way to spend the morning." He was obviously too much of a gentleman to mention Jane

Edmund slumped wearily in his chair. This was going to be such a looooooong day

He was still dazed from the kidnapping and the interminably long carriage ride, and NOW he was in London, dancing with sailors, and listening to these men give HIM lessons on life.....<.i>and what the heck was that play all about anyway? His mother did not look like a SAILOR!! And he was fairly certain she NEVER wore anything like that pink frilly thing.....Was his life really so pathetic that he resembled a soggy lump of cardboard?

Bingley was feeling more than his normal amount of cheerful. He loved helping people and making friends, and he was especially pleased that the others had asked HIM to help out. Most of the time Bingley was relegated to a supporting state of sad ineptitude..... Well, we'll just see about all that. I bet I can teach this fellow how to be cheerful in no time at all.

"I see that you have already had a lessons on gentlemanly behaviour. Excellent. I say this room is a fair prospect isn't it? Not as grand as some but comfortably situated. Well then, let's get started shall we?"

"Er.. Right." said Edmund. "What'er we going to do?"

"I'm to teach you.....umm, I had it here a moment ago." Bingley fumbled through his stack of papers and dropped them all over the floor. The paper snowfall was beautiful, if impractical.

"What are you staring at?" asked Edmund.

"Well Eddie, I was just noticing how the papers floated so nicely to the ground, like a gentle snow. My Jane has such a lovely snow white complexion...."

Edmund wrinkled his brows - in two hundred years they're gonna drug test him.

"Uhem," coughed Edmund "You're supposed to be teaching me something?"

"Oh yes, I am. Where is that piece of paper?" He shuffled through the papers, "AHA!" cried Bingley "I found it! I am to teach you 'A motivational speech on how to be happy' Well now that doesn't seem to be too hard.

"Well then let's discover happiness. Tell me Eddie, what makes you happy?"

"Happy?"

"Yes, happy....cheerful......giddy....Happy Happy Joy Joy???"

"Um....I like uh.....er....." Edmund stammered.

"Raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens???"

"No..no...none of those things....I like...I like packages!"

Bingley was getting excited thinking about all this happy stuff. "Wrapped in brown paper and tied with string?".

These are a few of my favorite things
When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling saaaad**

It is a renowned but very disturbing truth that accidentally shouting song lyrics in a story generally produces a soundtrack accompaniment. The author now humbly and profusely apologizes for the proliferation and shameless abuse of beloved musical lyrics and promises to get on with the story...

"Come now man. No one said anything. They sang it. And delightfully well I might add." Bingley loved a good song, almost as much as a dance.

"Okay how about love?? Ever been in love?" Bingley thought this tactic might keep the author and Eddie from glaring at him, and give him a chance to think about Jane. It had been a whole ten minutes since he had last thought of her.

"Love?? Oh yes!!" cried Edmund. Love was happy and wonderful and warm and sweet and.......

I Love you,
You Love me,
We're a happy family

With a get big HUG
And a kiss from me to you,
Won't you say you love me too.***

Wentworth ran into the room. "What!?!?"

"Captain, what are you doing here?" cried Bingley.

"My baby called me!" Wentworth said.

Bingley looked around the room bewildered and decided Wentworth needed help. "I'll be right back, sit tight."

"You can't leave me hear!" shouted Edmund.

Bingley looked back at Eddie as he ran from the room. This prevented him from seeing the dark lump lying near the doorway. Not seeing the lump and being in a hurry, Bingley tripped over the lump and fell into the refreshment table. The water and ice flew up into the air and landed on Bingley and the lump, drenching them both in VERY cold water. The lump woke up long enough for everyone to see that it was Collins. Unfortunately for Collins he attempted to rise just as the refreshment table came down from it's previous journey upward, the effective result being that the table landed on Collin and knocked him out again.

The noise brought Musgrove (sans rifle) in to see what happened. He arrived just in time to see:

Edmund staring in shock at his "mommy"; Bingley wet and shivering. (In the green room Darcy heard the water and was glad he wasn't wet for once-- he was too busy trying to avoid Hotloins and his towel)

From behind the stage drape the "ghost choir" stumbled out.... Kathy, Bridget, Caroline, and Gabby were hopeful that the sound of splashing water might mean fun, (or at least men in wet shirts), after all, you can only have fun scaring Edmund for so long before you get bored.

Acting quickly, Musgrove grabbed a confused Wentworth. "Wentworth! The play is OVER! You're not the mama, not the mama!" but before Musgrove could lead him away Fred spotted Bridget staring at him with a Darcy smolder.

Fred got an idea... "Bridget! Darling!" he cried, scooping her up and carrying her off for a romantic Business lunch. This also offered an escape before these men put him in any more dresses.....

"At least he's not in the frilly things anymore." smiled Bingley.

Musgrove shrugged and left thinking it might be nice if someone thought to scoop HIM up.

The choir fidgeted trying to decide how to escape when Bingley finally noticed them, "Ladies I'm delighted to see you. What brings you to Business?"

"Well, we um," Caroline stammered

"We were just..." Gabby tried to explain.

"Darcy sent us. Yeah, that's it..." announced Kathy. "A little music to liven things up."

"Ah. Excellent. Darcy always does help me out. Ladies, I was delighted with your performances. Thank you. You ladies are so accomplished. Will you be staying for the whole conference?"

"I think," said Caroline "That we will definitely be around for a while."

"But if you'll excuse us, we should go and um.. get some lunch." said Gabby.

"I'm hungry. Are we done yet? Can I have a snack now?" whined Edmund.

"Later Eddie." Bingley almost scowled. "Ladies I hope to see you again."

"I'm sure we'll be seeing YOU." Gabby smirked.

(The ladies left, but instead of going out to lunch, they turned and headed down the back hallway to their secret viewing room where shrieks of delight could be heard.

"Ohhhhhh, look!"

"Col. Hotloins is SIGGGHHH doing situps"

"EEEK! In his LOINCLOTH!"

"Oh, my! Look at them abs!"

"Coleen! Tabbi! Stop fogging up the window we all want to see....")

Back in the conference room Bingley wasn't giving up, yet. "Now Eddie, let's try this again. We were talking about love. You've been in love before, didn't you feel happy then....?"

"Well, I did......first there was Mary and then Fanny eventually, but still there was just something about Mary..." Edmund sighed.

Bingley sighed too...Suddenly he remembered "Eureeka! (There's no way he was gonna yell By Jove!) I've got!!!" and run out to the hall, careful avoiding Collins who was still blissfully unconscious.

"Ladies! Ladies! Can my choir please come back!!"

Three grumpy ladies trudged back, "Listen buddy, this better be good. We're missing a good show in there." growled one of them.

Bingley whispered briefly to them and promised them each a jar of Nutella for their cooperation.

"Eddie, you are taking notes on all this correct?"

"I would if we had actually discussed anything."

"Well write this down...THE BINGLEY SURE FIRE REMEDY FOR DA BLUES... Hit it ladies...."

"Ooooo wooo hooo hoo hoo hooo
Don't Worry .
Be Happy

Gabby
When your love life's down the sink
Now's the time to stop and think
Don't Worry .
Be Happy

Kathy
Your eggs are spoil'd, your toast is burnt
I say its just time you just learn
To, Don't Worry
Be Happy

"Ooooo wooo hooo hoo hoo hooo
Don't Worry
Be Happy

Bingley
If your girl has got some guy
no need to sit around and cry
I say, Don't Worry
Be Happy

Caroline
When all the guys think your a worm
Don't have to worry, don't need to squirm
Just Don't Worry .
Be Happy

"Ooooo wooo hooo hoo hoo hooo
Don't Worry
Be Happy
"Ooooo wooo hooo hoo hoo hooo
Don't Worry
Be Happy****

* 'The Tigger Song' by the Sherman Brothers
** 'My Favorite Things' by Oscar Hammerstein
*** 'The Barney Song' by Lee Bernstein
****'Don't Worry Be Happy' Bobby McFerrin the chorus. The verses are my own

Class 3: Mr. Collins - or the Loch Ness Monster. ~ By Shemmelle

The Authoress would like to point out that any illness incurred by this post, is not my fault, direct all complaints to Jane Austen, it was she that created Collins after all. She would also like to apologize for this post not being as funny as usual - but the serious bug has bit her unfortunately but I'm sure there is a cure.

Edmund moved towards the door, when he almost tripped over the lump. The Lump groaned and started to move. This made Edmund, revert into girl mode and squeak. Was it a creature of the black Lagoon? The Loch Ness Monster.

No it was a man in a soggy teddy bear costume...............it was Oh dread COLLINS!

He loomed upwards and grasped on to Edmund's trousers.

*ACK get it OFF get it OFF*

Edmund shook his leg but to no avail, Collins pulled himself into a semi-vertical position and lolled all over Edmund.

"My dear, Esteemed...............colleague, well soon to be colleague,..........the son of a *huge wheeze* baronet...... I must tell you that.....*puff* Lady Catherine de Bourgh, my most esteemed patroness, would feel it my duty, indeed to give you some advice."

Edmund felt ill, very very ill. Collins detached himself from Edmund and started to pace around.

*have you ever seen a wet, slime ball, in a teddy bear costume - try to pace?*

"You see, I feel it necessary when the opportunity presents itself of course, to try and promote harmony between persons of lesser rank, not of course meant in any slighting derogatory fashion to yourself of course, but I feel compelled and nay pushed to really intervene and shape the course of one's life. I really feel a sort of a duty to persuade personages into proper channels of action. This is why I really feel an obligation to point out to you that this manner of conduct is HIGHLY improper, you must really take it upon yourself to decide if your bishop, when you get one, would approve. This meeting with persons that are highly reprehensible, is something I know my condescending highly proper patroness would not approve of. Indeed even if one of the personages attending the function is her nephew. But he bestowed himself in a most unworthy fashion, taking his advice would be most unadvantageous to yourself. My highly noble patroness will not even let Mr. Darcy...oops I mean HIS name said in her presence and indeed I try not to let the sordid name pass my lips. However on pursuing this line of thought, I must say that it does you credit to wish to bring yourself to the notice of such people. I myself felt incumbent to bring myself to the notice of Mr. Darcy...opps him, when he was let us say the 'apple' of his Aunt's eye. So that would be my advice, always bring yourself to the attention of worthy people, especially when you can provide intelligence about the robustness of their relations constitutions. Do you sing or Play? If so I thoroughly think entertaining people with an air or two is highly proper, and indeed I would most conscientiously urge you to attempt to learn. Another point on the aspect of the melodious harmony, is that your wife should also be able to play, though I beg you not the harp! A most forward instrument, says my esteemed Patroness. However the point in hand, is really that you should not be taking advice from these people, many of whom have connected themselves disgracefully. I suggest you listen with interest and reflection to my noble and respected Patroness, via the words of the perpendicular pronoun ....................."

Collins stopped.

Edmund had hit him over the head with a candlestick.

Edmund was shocked. He froze.

*obviously not literately, for one Dave hadn't arranged for blasts of freezing air.*

*Meanwhile in the Rabbit Warren of Corridors that is Business.*

Ash had been pacing up and down Business, trying desperately to find a way out, he rather shrewdly suspected that the previous two authoresses had purposely written no way out of the building. However on his travels he found William Price. An often forgotten male character in the Jane Austen community.

"Well yes I am terribly sorry, but well the plan is all sewn up , I'm afraid, that you will just have to hang around and well we can see what you can do!" said Ash jovially as he lead William Price towards the conference room.

Ash's ears pricked up he was hearing grumbling and occasional coarse words... AHHH my beloved creator is back helming this story thought Ash happily. Well actually not that happily for he realised that his *dear* author could do what she liked with him, other author's would not be allowed to do what she could do with a flick of a wrist.

Ash heard Shem try to flick her wrist, then he heard a yell.

*ARRGH MY WRIST....the pain.*

Ash grimaced as he opened the door to the conference room.

"So William...." Ash broke off, for the sight of Mr. Collins in a heap and Edmund holding a candlestick over him, was quite....unusual. Ash immediately slammed the door.

William was staring at the door with a look of horror on his face. He turned to his companion, who had a smiling mask over his face.

"So William I think we shall go THIS way don't you think?"

They got several steps down the hall, when a group of wet ladies, sniping and arguing amongst each other headed towards them.

The two gentlemen's mouths dropped open.

*the Author would like to make it completely clear that the two gentlemen were merely shocked that women would parade around sopping wet. Nothing at all to do with the attractiveness of the women, or to the fact they belong to an age where dampening one's petticoat was seen as scandalous and strangely alluring.*

*Meanwhile back in The Conference Room*

Mr. Collins had unfortunately come to, Edmund had helped him into a chair and was hoping that his lesson was over - it was to be a fruitless hope.

Mr. Collins had a sort of glazed look on his face.

"So where was I? Oh yes the perpendicular pronoun, which is of course, I. I shall be happy to instruct you. Firstly, as a hero, you should get a wife."

"A wife??"

"Yes a wife who will treat your patron with the deference that he or she is entitled to."

"I don't really have a patron..."

Mr. Collins stood up abruptly.

"You don't have a patron????????? We must rectify this immediately."

Fortunately for Edmund, Wentworth ran into the room...wearing a kilt.

"Avert your eyes, shameful! Avert your eyes." shrieked Mr. Collins, clutching at his eyes.

"It's a KILT. A KILT you know the thing Scotsmen wear." Sighed Wentworth.

"I didn't know you were Scottish??" replied Edmund confused.

"Oh no, it's just a manly way of wearing a dress. Except I have to avoid the Haggis, and deep water.....hmmmm".

Wentworth ran out of the room, Edmund blinked and turned back to his tutor.

Mr. Collins, sighed deeply. "Also the reading of novels, is hardly a proper activity and we must shelter the delicate, prim and feeble minds of the females from the strain of -"

Mr. Collins got no further, a large leather bound copy of Mary Wollstonecraft's "A Vindication of the Rights of Woman." (1792) fell out of the sky and clonked Mr. Collins on the Head. It fell to the ground and mysteriously opened at chapter five, which included some strongly worded arguments against the Reverend Fordyce.

Edmund jumped backwards.... "I - ah - think that Women are wonderful beautiful creatures....with intelligence."

No books fell out of the sky. However Mr. Collins got back up again....he has an uncommonly thick head.

For an inexplicable plot reason, Musgrove ran through the room, dropping his pistol.

*meanwhile in the Corridor*

Tabbi advanced.

"Oh sir...I mean my lord.....DEARIE."

Ash looked Confused.

"Er - Are you talking to me - uh- M'am?"

"Oh yes! Well you look a little lost and I was just talking to my friends here, and well I know the way out."

"You do?"

"Oh yes come with me."

Ash very happily obliged. Tabbi opened a door, pushed him inside, followed and closed the door.

A clicking sound was heard.

"This doesn't look like the way out - it looks like a linen Closet."

"Uh - Don't worry about that - so how long will it take for your Brother to come looking for you???"

*back in the Conference Room*

Collins hadn't stopped talking - Edmund was growing frantic - he tried Mr. Knightley's method of shutting Miss Bates up - IT didn't work. He tried Singing like Bingley - it didn't work.

Edmund was slowly coming to the end of his rope, he espied the pistol, aimed and fired.

He missed, but the shot made Mr. Collins faint and brought Darcy running.

"WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED IN HERE???" cried Darcy.

*The Author is very tempted to bring in Georgette Heyer's Charles Rivenhall - another man, goaded into shooting indoors - but Author restrains herself.*

"Well - he wouldn't shut up!' cried Edmund almost in tears.

"Oh good god, why didn't you just leave??"

"It *sniff* didn't seem appropriate!"

"DIDN"T seem appropriate??" thundered Darcy. "Give me that." Darcy snatched the pistol away from Edmund.

"Well are you happy know Trigger - Happy??"

"Trigger Happy?? I didn't mean to shoot at him!."

Darcy pressed the intercom, "Palmer, Musgrove - can you come help me with Mr. Lump?. Crawford Wickham? Come take Trigger Happy away will you. Before I seriously decide to injure him."

Edmund started to cry.

Continued In Next Section