Posted on Tuesday, 29 August 2000
It is a truth universally acknowledged that Elizabeth Bennets and Fitzwilliam Darcys (or their nearest approximation) absolutely belong together no matter what obstacles fan fic authors throw in their path to true love (there are a few exceptions and may, in future, be a few more, but we'll just ignore those for the purpose of this story). What is the purpose of this story you ask? I don't know. Read on and see if you can figure it out.
So it was one day a Fitzwilliam Darcy (or any reasonable facsimile thereof) met an Elizabeth Bennet (or any resemblance to her) and he fell deeply in love with her. He reached out and enfolded her into an ardent embrace. Looking deeply into her eyes he said, "I love you Elizabeth Bennet (or any version available). Kiss me!"
Elizabeth melted into his arms and trembled under his passionate gaze. "Oh my dearest Fitzwilliam (or incarnation of you), I am overwhelmed! At first I thought you a big jerk or if you haven't been one, you will be, but what does that matter? I can no longer keep my feelings a secret, my dearest, sweetest, handsomest, kindest, grooviest, love! I will kiss you!"
The couple slowly drew towards each other, their lips quivering in anticipation. Once they kissed, their fate would be sealed together forever. They were only separated by the merest fraction of an inch when the Noble Authoress decided to drop a mountain into the scene. In order to avoid being crushed by said mountain, Elizabeth and Darcy (or any likeness of) fled in separate directions. Evil laughter echoed through the story.
Try being together now! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!
"Oh Fitzwilliam!" Elizabeth (or any look-alike) exclaimed pathetically. "Whatever will we do?"
Darcy (or any hot guy resembling him) was sure he heard Elizabeth (or any... _______ <----- insert your own phrase here as I'm getting sick of thinking of new ones and carrying on the joke)... Anywho, Darcy was sure he heard Elizabeth whining from over the mountain but he couldn't make out what she was griping about. "WHAT WAS THAT?" he yelled. "I CAN'T HEAR YOU! I'M ON THE OTHER SIDE OF A MOUNTAIN!"
Elizabeth sighed pathetically and then took a deep breath. "I SAID 'OH FITZWILLIAM! WHATEVER WILL WE DO?'"
"HOLD ON! I'LL CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN!"
"YOU'D DO THAT FOR ME?"
"OF COURSE! I LOVE YOU MY DEAREST, LOVELIEST, BESTEST OF THE BEST, ELIZABETH!"
Elizabeth was so delighted that she decided to faint.
When Darcy reached the other side, he couldn't see Elizabeth anywhere so he started to cry. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ELIZABETH LEFT ME! BOOHOO! POOR ME! WAAAAAAAAAAAAA.... AAAAAAACK!" His self-pitying tirade suddenly broke off as he stumbled over Elizabeth's inert body. "Elizabeth!" he gasped. "Oh my poor darling!" Tears once again flooded his eyes. "I'll get you help my most wonderful, beloved, love." He stood up and started running around in circles. "HELP!" he shrieked, while tearing is hair out. "SOMEBODY HELP MY DARLING ELIZABETH!" After running around for a while, he decided he wasn't getting anywhere so he picked up his ladylove and ran towards Pemberley. Unfortunately, he wasn't watching where he was going and he ran smack into a tree.
Darcy was knocked unconscious from the impact and Elizabeth flew through the air only to land in the lake. The cold water revived her and she climbed out of the lake, coughing and sputtering. "WHAT KIND OF RESCUE IS THAT YOU BIG JERK!" Elizabeth screeched as soon as she could speak. "WHY I OUTTA..." She stopped babbling when she saw her precious Fitzwilliam lifeless on the ground. "Fitzwilliam! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" she howled. "I must get you some help!" She took off running in circles, waving her hands in the air, and screaming, "OH ME OH MY HELP! HELP! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLP!"
Eventually she came to the same conclusion Darcy had earlier and stopped. She bent over, lifted Darcy into her arms, and then raced towards Pemberley. The Noble Authoress, being of an evil mind, decided to put several fallen trees and a couple of hurdles in her path. Elizabeth valiantly leaped over them and reached the mansion in safety. She laid her cutest, loveliest, Darcy on the steps and gazed at him adoringly. Unable to help herself, she leaned over to kiss her beloved. But before she could, he woke up.
"Wait a minute!" Darcy exclaimed. "I'm supposed to be the heroic one! It's your job to be poor, weak, and pathetic, Elizabeth!"
Elizabeth pouted for a moment but then Darcy gave her a smoldering look. She quickly gave in. "Okay, okay! You can be the heroic one!"
"Excellent!" Darcy picked up Elizabeth and ran back towards the woods. He dropped her on the ground, shrieked for help, and then manfully gathered her in his arms and ran back to Pemberley (avoiding all the obstacles and cow pies the Noble Authoress threw in his path). He laid his cheeky, witty, lovely, woman on the steps and leaned heroically over her.
"I have climbed a mountain for you!" he proclaimed. "I have rescued you from the evil trees and the Nobel Authoress! My only wish for a reward is this... To be married to you, my dearest love puddle and to be excruciatingly, disgustingly, and boringly happy happy joy joy with you for the rest of my life!"
"Oh my most handsome, wonderful, handsome, greatest, handsome, dearest, handsome, Fitzwilliam!" Elizabeth gushed. "You really know how to make a girl swoon!" She swooned to prove it. Not wanting to leave her beloved in suspense too long, however, she soon revived and locked her arms about his neck. "Of course I will marry you! Do you promise to be heroic for the rest of your life?"
"Yes my darling, as long as you promise to be pathetic!"
"Then we'll be the happiest happiest joyest joyest couple alive!"
"I love you."
"And I love you"
"I love you."
"And I love you."
"I love you."
"Fitzwilliam?"
"Yes my dear?"
"Shut up and kiss me!"
"Anything my lady wishes!" He leaned over to kiss her, their lips just centimeters apart... Closer, and closer... And as their trembling lips were about to touch...
What's the problem?
"We didn't get to kiss yet!"
I know! The Noble Authoress smirked wickedly. And you never will! Not in this story! MUAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!