Posted on Friday, 18 January 2002
It was a warm night for October. I remember driving my BMW out of town and up to Meryton. I had finally gotten Kitty off on the drug charges. She would have a year of probation, but nothing on her permanent record. Wickham, however, would not be seeing the light of day for a nice long time, say, 10 years. I hoped that maybe that would teach him a lesson: that it was too expensive to mess with mine, and he couldn't afford to pay the price.
I don't know what made me go to Netherfield and not to Longbourn. Why I found myself at Bingley's, not at Elizabeth's? But there I was.
Jane answered the door. She had such a warm smile on her face. I congratulated her on her engagement.
She thanked me, then her face fell. "Will, Charles won't be home for another hour, and there is something I would like to talk to you about." She lead me into the living room. "Kitty got home yesterday. I wanted to thank you for helping her. It was very kind of you."
I was stunned. "Jane, how do you know about that?"
Jane looked at her feet while she played with the new ring on her finger. "Please don't be angry. My Aunt Maddy told us."
I looked up at her quickly.
"Oh, just Lizzy and I." She assured me. "I know you wanted it kept a secret, and I am sorry, but Lizzy, well..."
I could my pulse quicken. I was afraid. 'Oh God, what now?'
Jane looked uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, this is kinda hard to say. I'm not very good at speaking plainly the way Lizzy is." She frowned. "Lizzy didn't know why you left. It was so sudden, and you didn't give her a reason. She was upset. She thought that maybe you didn't want her anymore, because of Kitty damaging your reputation."
I turned away and started pacing. Inside I was berating myself. "Stupid, stupid, stupid! Would I ever be able to do anything right with Elizabeth?"
"Aunt Maddy came up to visit when Charles and I announced our engagement and she could see that Lizzy was out of sorts." She shrugged. "Everyone could. Later that night Aunt Maddy got Lizzy to open up about what was bothering her, and then she told us where you were, and why."
Jane took a deep breath and continued, "I'm glad she told us. Lizzy, (sigh) Lizzy was better then. Our aunt reassured her that you wouldn't be doing this unless you still cared for her."
I looked at her hard. "Better then? Better than what? Jane, what's wrong?"
"Will," she paused, then swore softly. "I'm sorry, but you need to let Lizzy know what your feelings are towards her. She was okay until Kitty came home, but since yesterday she's been waiting for you. "
Jane came over and place her hand on my arm. "Please, if you love her, (and I believe you do) please let her know now." Then Jane looked away, "And if you don't love, you have to let her know that too. "
Then I got it. Square in the eyes. Elizabeth has the finest, most expressive eyes I've ever seen, but this was something completely different. Jane Bingley is an angel on earth, and thank God, because the look those baby-blues gave me was deadly. She could be licensed as a weapon. "Will, I know what she's going through. I've been there. To be in love with someone, and think he loves you too, and have everything going right, then to have him just walk away without an explanation."
She looked down and I could breathe again. "I remember the self-doubt, rehashing every conversation, every action, to try and find out why. The nightmares." She voice faded away.
I though I had been ashamed when I admitted to Charles that I was wrong about Jane, but that was nothing to this. I had never realized how I had hurt Jane. I felt then that Elizabeth had been way too easy on me when she refused me back at Hunsford. "Jane, I am so, so sorry. I"
She cut me off. "This isn't about me. I'm alright now, and I thank you for your help in bringing Charles and I back together. " She smiled for just a second when she said his name. "This is about Lizzy."
"Does she love me?" I was a coward, I admit it, but I needed to know myself.
Jane sighed again. "She's been stuck in the house since yesterday, she hasn't slept, or eaten, and she keeps playing the same dumb song. What do you think?"
"What song?"
She shrugged. "I don't know the name, but you can't miss it, its so loud. I'm surprised the neighbors haven't complained." She looked at me again, "Please, Will. She's hurting. She needs to know."
"I love her." What else could I say?
She smiled, "Then go, now."
It was normally 15 minutes from Netherfield to Elizabeth's house in Longbourn. I made it in five. Then I sat in her driveway for five minutes more. Jane was right. I could hear her stereo plainly from the car, and it repeated twice while I sat there.
I had heard the song before on the radio, but now I listened the words, and I understood why Elizabeth was playing it. The frustration, the longing. Oh yeah, that was Elizabeth and I.
Finally I pulled myself together, got out of the car and let myself in. She wouldn't have heard the bell anyway. I found her in the living room and watched her. She was singing along with the music and dancing. Not her usual joyful, light steps, no, this was a desperate, fighting dance.
Then she saw me.
Oh God, I can still remember her eyes. They were so full. Hope, fear, love, pain. It was like a physical blow. I wondered if my eyes were the same. I was certainly feeling the same things.
Then she reach out her hand and mouthed the song to me:
I put my trust in you
pushed as far as I could go
And for all this there's only one thing you should know.
I put my trust in you
I honestly don't remember how it happened. What I do know is the next moment I was holding her, and kissing her as if my life depended on it. I think it did.
We were beyond words then. We let our eyes and our bodies tell each other everything that we needed hear. Later that night, or maybe the next morning, the words came, but they weren't really necessary. We had already said it all.
And I never left her. I was home. Elizabeth was my home, and as long as I was with her, I was okay.
Five months later we were married, but even that was kinda an afterthought. It was a nice party, and her mother was thrilled, but we both knew our lives had been joined that night, and would never be parted.
Elizabeth watched him from the doorway. She loved his voice, and it was wonderful seeing him speak so intently to the tiny baby he was holding.
"And for almost 30 years, since that night, we've never slept apart," he told the infant. "Well, except for when your mommy and uncles were born."
"What are you doing?"
Will Darcy looked up at his wife and smiled. "I'm telling the baby a story." He didn't need to say 'obviously', it was clear in his look. Then he went back to studying the baby.
She smiled back at him. "What kind of story?" He heard her eyebrow go up in her voice.
"I happen to know, from my vast experience with babies, that they like romantic stories the best." He looked at her again, daring her.
Elizabeth shook her head and passed on the challenge. It was too easy.
"How is our daughter?" he asked.
"Asleep. How is our grandson?"
Will studied the baby, "Hmm, asleep as well. I guess it just you and me, my love," he said as he laid the baby in the bassinet.
Elizabeth slipped into his now empty arms. "Well, what do you think?"
"I think I love you, and I always will." He kissed her and lead her out of the room. For the next two hours until the baby woke up, they laid on the couch together, softly talking and behaving in a way that would embarrass (but not really surprise) their daughter, if she knew about it.
It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't seem to matter how hard you try
keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
to explain in due time all I knowTime is a valuable thing
watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
watch it count down to the end of the day
the clock ticks life away
it's so unrealDidn't look out below
watch the time go right out the window
trying to hold on but I didn't know
wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried
It all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time whenI tried so hard, and got so far
but in the end it doesn't even matter
I had to fall to lose it all
But in the end, it doesn't even matterOne thing I don't know why
doesn't even matter how hard you try
keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme to remind myself how
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
acting like I was part of your property
remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so farThings aren't the way they were before
you wouldn't even recognize me anymore
not that you knew me back then
but it all comes back to me in the end
You kept everything inside and even though I tried
It all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time whenI put my trust in you
pushed as far as I could go
And for all this there's only one thing you should know.