Posted on Wednesday, 22 May 2002
Have you ever wondered what it is like to be ignored by fan fic writers? Mr. Hurst knows and he's not very happy about it.
Mr. Hurst shifted in his seat uncomfortably as he grumbled, "Come, come. This is a fine way to play at cards." Darcy and Fitzwilliam both looked up from the object of their, shall I say, rivalry, who was at that moment pleasantly engrossed in her volume and determined not to look at either man. Each pitched in a chip to which Mr. Hurst complained, "It is the Colonel's turn!"
"Sorry," replied Darcy without remorse.
"I am sure you aren't. If we can't have decent game, I'll give up and do what I normally do. Sit over there and pass out. At least in that, I won't have to watch the both of you behave like school boys.
"I don't know what you mean!," the men cried in unison, causing all those in the room to look up momentarily, except Bingley whose eyes were fixed solely and forever on Jane.
"Sure, sure you don't," snorted Hurst as he pitched a chip in and raised them both. If he couldn't have a good game, he'd take them both to the cleaners. "Frankly I don't know what you see in her. I just don't get it. Everyone is mad for that one, but I just don't see it. Now the elder. She's something. That I understand. But Miss Elizabeth? She's a blue stocking for goodness sake. Look at her; always with her nose in a book or out where you can never find her. Caroline talks of her fine eyes, but I'm not sure how anyone ever sees them. And I never before met a woman who likes the sound of her voice more than you, Fitzwilliam, or was more ornery than you, Darcy."
"Hey," admonished Darcy hotly. "That is my Elizabeth you are talking about."
"Since when? Do I see a ring on that finger?," broke in Fitzwilliam. "Don't get a head of yourself Darcy; we have barely even begun."
"As was; as is; as always will be cousin."
"You can't use that. She is not 'Your Elizabeth'. Really you shouldn't be so intimate."
"It says it right in the book. How can you argue with black and white text."
"You forget Miss Jane is not the only author telling this story." To which Jane looked up and asked if someone had called her, but seeing they were speaking of another Jane, she went back to the affections of her lover. "I have many supporters," continued Fitzwilliam.
"As evidenced by your recent adventures, I am sure. I believe you put yourself in harm's way with your admiration."
"I would die a thousand deaths for her, which is more than you will ever do."
"Go ahead; it is much sweeter to have a thousand wedding nights," replied Darcy nonchalantly as he sipped his claret. "Face it, you have your stories and I have mine."
"What would you know," mumbled Fitzwilliam under his breath and if one listened closely one would have heard the phrase 'name-stealer' said along with some others that did not reflect well on the Colonel.
"Back to the cards gentlemen," called Hurst. "I don't know why you complain, Colonel, at least you get stories. What do I get. Nothing! All I ever get to do is play cards and get drunk and pass out. One story where I get to do something important and even that is about you! I haven't been out in an age. I never hunt or fish anymore. It is dead boring in this house. With all of you mooning after that one or that one," he continued, pointing out the Bennet sisters with a motion of his head, I can't even get a decent card partner. It is worse than hell, it is eternal purgatory."
"Not my fault you married for money, old man."
"I am two years younger than you, Colonel Fitzwilliam. And at least I can do what needs to be done. What do you have? No wife, no independence. I got laid last night. When was the last time you did?"
"That is crass," criticized the Colonel as he bitterly thought - too long. But then a happy thought occurred to him - not as long as my prig of a cousin.
"I can't help the way I am written."
"Well, you got the better sister. How many times have I been stuck with Caroline? And I never even met her in the story! Just because I am single I get Miss Bennet's foil. To this Jane again looked up but was told to pay no heed. "Grossly unfair. I would rather a weak clone or Anne." Turning to Darcy he begged, "Why don't you take Caroline for once or Anne and let me have a go?"
"Well, I don't see why you are complaining," said Darcy. "They never give her to you straight off. They always re-tailor her a bit. She can be rather nice if you get to know her. And you do put up such a fuss over her." Acerbically Fitzwilliam replied he couldn't help the way HE was written.
"It is really unfair, Darcy. You hardly ever get her and you're the one that can afford the woman."
"I don't see why you are complaining, Fitzwilliam. At least they alter her for you. I always get her straight off. She and Louisa come as a combo package. She's not even mine and I can never see my wife without the darn woman. And she has the voice of banshee. Bet already, you wuss."
"Thank you, Mr. Hurst. Most kind of you," said Darcy gallantly.
"Don't get me started on you, name-stealer. Caroline may be a shrew but she's my sister and you hurt her every time. Who do you think has to listen to Louisa's gripping about your Elizabeth?" he sneered.
This brought a raucous response from Fitzwilliam and Caroline looked up and asked who was winning. Each man mumbled "Mr. Hurst" and quickly turned away. There was no telling whom she would want, but that woman was planning something. Neither liked the way she was eyeing them.
"She's got something going on. I can see the cogs turning in that mind of hers," laughed Mr. Hurst.
"What do you know," asked Fitzwilliam desperately.
"Nothing but believe me, she's gone all out this evening. No orange, and a simple dress. She wants something, I can feel it. See how she plays with her bracelets, she only does that when she's scheming. Louisa does it when she's bored, but when Caroline is bored well.... idle hands my friends, idle hands." Both men groaned as Hurst collected his winnings and re-dealt the cards.
"I hope it is not me. I'm tired. I'm just coming off something and jealousy always makes me sleepy," commented Fitzwilliam as he punctuated it with a yawn for emphasis. "I think I like it better when I'm not in love with Miss Bennet."
"No complaints here," laughed Darcy as he stole one more look at Elizabeth before the game commenced. She didn't notice him, but he wasn't about to stare all day.
Mr. Hurst told Colonel Fitzwilliam to stop pitying himself and start playing or he would never be able to afford a wife. Fitzwilliam did not take this well but kept his mouth shut. He would show Hurst; he would show them all. "My life is so complicated."
"Stop your grousing. Be thankful for what you have. What is the first thing they give you? A name! In 200 years I don't think any author has asked my name?"
"Good for you. Have you seen the ones I get? Richard; Miss Jane hated that name. She would have never named me Richard."
"Well at least they try. And there are no other Richards to compete with," sighed Darcy.
"At least they give you one," quipped Mr. Hurst
"What is your name anyway, Hurst?," asked Darcy. "In all the time we have known each other I have never asked."
"NO you didn't," he sneered. "It's Nathaniel. But thanks for asking, Will."
"It is NOT Will," cried Darcy hotly, as he laid down his cards. When he regained his composure, he calmly stated. "It is Fitzwilliam. And I win."
"So you always do!" sighed Hurst and Fitzwilliam in unison.