Posted on Friday, 4 October 2002
Elizabeth Bennet had been obliged, by the scarcity of gentlemen, to sit down for two dances, and during part of that time, Mr. Darcy had been standing near enough for her to overhear a conversation between him and Mr. Bingley, who came from the dance for a few minutes, to press his friend to join it.
"Come, Darcy," said he, "I must have you dance. I hate to see you standing about by yourself in this stupid manner. You had much better dance."
"I certainly shall not. You know how I detest it, unless I am particularly acquainted with my partner. At such an assembly as this, it would be unsupportable. Your sisters are engaged, and there is no other woman in the room, whom it would not be a punishment to me to stand up with."
"I would not be so fastidious as you are for a kingdom! Upon my honour, I never met with so many pleasant girls in my life, as I have this evening; and there are several of them you see uncommonly pretty."
"You are dancing with the only handsome girl in the room."
"Oh! She is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld! But there is one of her sisters sitting down just behind you, who is very pretty, and I dare say, very agreeable. Do let me ask my partner to introduce you."
"She is tolerable; but not handsome enough to tempt me; and I'm in no humour to give conse..."
Bingley cut in sharply, looking positively annoyed.
"Stop it, man! Good grief, I'm tired of this! Do you think I want to spend half of the story being miserable only because you're feeling antisocial?"
Darcy blinked and appeared to be at a loss for words.
"Bingley, look here..." he stammered.
"No!" Bingley cried, "I'm sick of this! I won't go through all this ordeal yet again!"
"But Bingley," Darcy said pleadingly, "I'm miserable too. In fact, I also make a fool of myself. Doesn't that make up for it?"
"I certainly don't. It is very well that you should suffer, but why should I suffer for your blunders? Your problems are your own fault. In fact," Bingley said, glaring at him, "Everything in this wretched story is your fault!"
"Now see here," Darcy shouted, "It's not all my fault! If Elizabeth weren't so prejudiced..."
Elizabeth, who had got up curiously and had been listening, along with Jane who had come to enquire after Bingley, didn't take this very well.
"Don't go blaming me!" she said, "A girl doesn't take very well being called "tolerable" and "not worth your notice" "!
"Stop it all of you!" Jane exclaimed, "I know we don't like it, but the story is the story. Can´t we get on with it?"
"But my love," Bingley said pitifully, "If it weren´t for Darcy´s big mouth, I would whisk you off to Gretna Green tonight!"
"Oh, Charles!" Jane cried happily "Oh, let´s!"
"No way!" Darcy chimed in, "Unless we do everything properly, I won't marry Elizabeth and stop being a prig!"
"Well," Bingley said angrily, "You don't care much about my happiness, why should I care about yours?"
"I do care, damn it! But I make a little mistake..."
"You call that a little mistake?" Bingley cut in "I call it the greatest stupidity of all time!"
"Who are you calling stupid, Bingley? Say that again!"
"You're as thick as a brick!" Bingley bellowed.
Darcy stared at him in disbelief. Then, he began to roll up his sleeves.
"Okay, Bingley." he hissed, "Out!"
"You asked for it!" said Bingley, taking his coat off and handing it over to Jane.
Here the authoress decides to intervene.
Ahem!
The foursome looked around, puzzled, searching for the owner of the ethereal voice.
I am the Authoress.
The foursome (along with other people at the Assembly) looked astonished and confused. Then Bingley (who is feeling very brave and independent in this story) finally reacted.
"So? If you don't mind, I have to give my friend here a trashing."
I can't let you do that.
"Why not?" Bingley asked, affronted.
Because, if you do you might break his nose...
"Oh no!" Elizabeth exclaimed running into Darcy´s arms, "Your beautiful face!"
Or he might break one of your teeth...
"Oh no!" Jane cried clutching Bingley's coat and looking desperate, "Your beautiful smile, Charles!"
You see? You would stop being desirable, and then I'd have to set up Lizzy and Jane with two young Earls or something.
The struggle was plain on Bingley's face. He really wanted a little revenge on his friend for all the times he had put him in an awkward situation. But he didn't like the idea of loosing Jane (or a tooth, for that matter.).
"Well, Darcy old man, what are a few foul words between real friends?" He finally uttered with a slight smile.
Darcy, who had been clutching his nose protectively answered with a phony "Nothing at all.".
Jane and Elizabeth sighed with relief, certain that it was all over.
"But, listen here" Bingley suddenly burst out, "Can´t I for once, do as I please? You people always ignore me. You either take it for granted that I have a blind faith in my friend or put me in your stories as a permanent but terribly unuseful object!"
That is not true! You usually manage to get Lizzy and Darcy together! And you marry Jane!
"Yes!" Bingley exclaimed desperately, "But no one gives me a character! The only one who has a right to be spontaneous is Darcy! I'm only a predictable sidekick!"
Now, now. You are not unuseful! You are ... modest.
"Modest?" Bingley cried in disbelief, "Is that a new word for `bloody fool with the brain of a newt and the spine of a jellyfish´?"
Er, no. It's in the story. You and Jane are modest, because you always think you are not as good as other people.
"I don't think that," Jane interjected, "In fact, I'm getting a little resentful too."
"That's it, darling!" Bingley said, taking her hand in his own, "You tell that authoress!"
But, but ... Jane Austen says...
"Look here, miss. All I'm asking of you is a little respect."
Just a little bit?
"Yes. You see, it would be nice to be able to do as we liked for once. I mean, you act as God, killing whoever you want to.."
I haven't killed anyone!
"No, but someone else killed Jane in another story!"
But the story is wonderfully written! And besides, face the facts, she could have died.
"Yes, but I don't want that!" Bingley was now down right furious, "I only want to whisk Jane away to Gretna Green! Have a few children, run away far from Mrs. Bennet ... These are things I never do!"
If I let you do that, will you promise to be good and behave yourself from now on? No more interfering with the authoress?
"Well," Bingley said uncertainly, " There is one other thing..."
*exasperated groan* Yes?
"I want to be admired" Bingley said in a barely audible whisper.
Admired? Jane admires you.
"Oh, yes, Charles!" Jane said, giving him a short hug, "I admire you, and I want to go to Gretna Green with you! And I'll be as pleased as punch to be able to do as we want for once!"
"Yes, but ... but..."
What the deuce is the matter?
"Well," Bingley stammered, "You are always saying that Darcy is gorgeous, and the Colonel, the COLONEL for God's sake who appears in two chapters in the book and five minutes in the film, has his own fan club!! You call him Studmuffin! And the only person who really values me..." he said, dramatically, "Is a man!!"
But Adam is a charming person!
"But he's a man!" Bingley whined.
Well, I'll tell you what. No one even dares to like you in that way, because you're too good. A modest man? You know how few of them there are?
"Really?" said Bingley, doubtfully.
Yes.
"And you'll let me whisk Jane away to Gretna Green?"
Yes, yes, will you stop this and take her away, for Christ sake!
"Oh." Bingley thought for a moment, "And... can I kiss her and everything?"
Not everything. I didn't write PG-13 on this.
"Well, then." Bingley grabbed Jane and kissed her passionately. Darcy and Lizzy, who had been listening with slight disbelief, decided to speak out.
"Er, Miss Authoress?" Darcy began tentatively.
Yes? What now? I must say you're very tiresome characters.
"Yes, well," Darcy looked at Elizabeth, who quietly nodded, "We were wondering... If Jane and Charles can do whatever they want, can't we forget all that pride and prejudice stuff and... you know?"
Oh, alright. Do as you please.
"Can I fight Wickham and shoot him?" Darcy asked.
"Can I strangle Caroline with an orange scarf?" Elizabeth chimed in.
"Can we throw Lady Catherine's carriage off a cliff, with her in it?" They both cried in unison.
Oh ... yes, okay. I quite like that scarf idea.
Elizabeth and Darcy looked into each other's eyes, enraptured, and then ran out of the room. Everyone got out after them, shaking their heads, except Mrs. Bennet, who looked terribly pleased.
Well, I hope it doesn't spread. *looking around carefully* Everyone has gone ... *sigh*I'll go back to writing my other stories...
In the deserted room, one figure lying down in a sofa woke up with a start.
"What?" Mr. Hurst said, "What a damned waste of ... Hey! Where's everyone?"