Jump to new as of December 12, 2002
Part One: How it all Began
It was a dark and stormy night...(I've always wanted to start a story with that sentence!)
There was silence as the three men sat at the long oak table. The tallest of them three presided the table, and spoke in a grave voice as the other two shifted nervously in their seats.
"We are all present. Have you decided at last?"
"Erm ... Sorry, Darcy, but there are just too many colours!!!" the blond man exclaimed.
"Yes, besides, you already got the nicer ones!" the third man with brown hair chimed in.
The tallest, aka William Darcy, millionaire, quickly defended himself with a look of annoyance.
"Look, I told you you had to come up with something for tonight! I have to ask Mrs. Reynolds to get the suits done, and how do you suppose she's going to do that if you can't even think of a pair of colours you like and can be combined?"
"Of course, not before YOU had chosen YOUR colours!" Colonel Fitzwilliam interjected.
"Hear, hear! I wanted to use dark blue!" Charles Bingley enthusiastically joined in the argument.
"Look," Darcy said, trying to be reasonable, "there are hundreds, thousands of colours! Why do you want MINE?"
"Because you always choose first!" Charles whined.
"It's alright, Chuck," the Colonel grinned, "I think we must tell him which colours we chose before he turns purple!"
Fitzwilliam Darcy swore softly, "Would you two be as kind as to remind me why the hell I got into this crazy scheme with you?" He said, bitterly.
"YOU were the one who wanted to play this game, Darce," the Colonel admonished," besides, you were begging us to help you not three days ago!"
"Yes, I must've been drunk!"
"Well, Will, I can't honestly tell you you weren't," Charles told him, "I don't remember much about it, either."
"No, I made sure we were all drunk before the night was over," the Colonel said laughing, "pity we didn't see any pretty girls."
"There is no one who can compare to my dearest, angelic Jane..." Charles sighed.
"Right, before this gets any soppier ... Charles!" Darcy cried, "Get that glazed look out of your eyes! Breathe, man! Fitzwilliam, hit him on the back, do something!"
After two (very) hard blows on the back, Charles finally came back from his dreamland. He was quite grumpy, though, and wouldn't tell what he had been thinking of (if he had told them that it involved Jane, himself and some leopard patterned underwear they probably would have teased him for the rest of his life, something they already did, anyway).
"Now that Charles's brain is functioning again, why don't we get on with it?" Colonel Fitzwilliam suggested.
"Alright. As you already know, or should know anyway, our suit will be quite simple. A cape, some tight lycra tights, a slip, a mask, a lycra vest and," Darcy checked his list, "midcalf-high boots."
"You do realise we're going to look ridiculous in that outfit, don't you?" the Colonel objected.
"Well, no one says Superman looks stupid, do they?"
"Yes, but ... Darce..."
"No more of this crap. Now tell me which colours you've chosen. We all know my tights, mask and vest are dark blue, with dark grey slips, boots and cape." Darcy looked at his best friend, "Charles?"
"Um, well, after long deliberation, and seeing that you didn't let me consult my dear Jane who has an impeccable taste..."
"Charles, a secret identity must be SECRET!" Darcy said in an exasperated tone.
"Oh, Okay." Charles was sulking now, quite annoyed with all this. "My tights and vest are bright yellow, with red slips, boots, mask and cape."
"Yellow ... and red?" The Colonel asked incredulously.
"You might make a few, erm, changes if you want." Darcy added.
"Oh! I forgot!" Charles slapped his forehead. "Of course, I want a red GG on the vest."
"Huh!?" Darcy exclaimed.
"Jane always says I'm her Golden boy, so my superhero name will be Golden Guy!" Charles appeared to be excessively proud of himself.
"Mine will be Colonel Studmuffin. And I'll be all dressed in lilac." The Colonel said cheerfully.
"LILAC!?" Darcy bellowed, "You're certainly NOT going to get a lilac suit!"
"Why not? I like lilac!" The Colonel protested.
"I don't care, you're so NOT going to be dressed in it!"
"Darcy! You're such a killjoy! If he likes lilac, why I think it's a lovely colour!" Charles intervened.
"Okay, fine, I'm going to forget all about this. We never had the crazy idea of becoming superheroes, I never actually bought that car, all those useful gadgets or constructed this superhero cave. I quit!" Darcy said angrily.
"But ... I want it lilac!" Colonel Fitzwilliam pouted.
"Richard ... purple I could take. Lilac, not on your life."
"Alright, Darcy, you win." Richard said unwillingly, "Purple vest and tights, and black slips, boots, mask and cape. Oh, with a black CS on the vest."
"Right, let's get on with this, the gadgets..."
"Hey, Darce!" Charles cut in, "What's your superhero name?"
"That's a minor aspect which can easily be forgo..."
"You forgot to think of one, didn't you?" Richard interjected, smugly.
Darcy put on one of his stuffiest looks and glared at him. "Did not! I just couldn't come up with a name which was good enough for me!"
"Good enough? Jeez! I can almost smell arrogance in the air..." Charles trailed off.
"Well at least I didn't come up with a name which gave away I'm the most perfect being in the Universe! William said sarcastically.
"Hey! I've been called Studmuffin a few times, you know!"
"And my Angel calls me Golden Boy!"
Darcy muttered something that sounded very much like "self-centered cads".
"Well, I'm sure after our great apparition on Friday a nice journalist will give a great name."
"Er ... did you just say Friday?" Charles stammered.
"I'll have to cancel my plans..." Richard sighed, "I had this lovely girl called Lise..."
"Never mind! Darce, we can't go! We're meeting Jane and her sister!"
"I had forgotten ... can't we cancel that?"
"Darcy, the wedding is only three months away and you don't know the Maid of Honour! What kind of Best Man are you?"
"What time is this meeting?" Richard inquired.
"We're having dinner at 8:00."
Darcy was in despair. "But superheroes are supposed to be night creatures! We can't be part-time superheroes!"
"Darcy, we are NOT missing this!" Charles said in a threatening voice.
"Alright, alright." Darcy growled. "Who is this sister, anyway?"
Charles sighed. "You really don't listen to me, do you? She's a journalist and works for the Meryton Post. 26, very pretty ... I guess you get the picture."
"Hmmm ... I would like to meet her!"
"Richard, stay out of this. So, we'll play superheroes from... 5:30 to 7:30?" Darcy said in a pitiful voice.
"Yes, my flat is quite near the restaurant, we can change there!" Charles said happily.
Darcy growled once more, feeling outraged. "Hey!" He said, as he caught Richard scribbling on his notepad, "What the deuce do you think you're doing?"
Richard looked up guiltily as Darcy snatched the notebook from him.
"Lilac?" Darcy howled, "I told you NO lilac, Richard!"
"But-but..."
"NO! I'm going to call Mrs. Reynolds, she'll take this away," Darcy said keeping the notebook away from Richard's reach, "just to help you flee temptation!"
Richard whined while Darcy rang for Mrs. Reynolds.
"Mrs. Reynolds? Yes, we're done down here. Er... Could you bring some of those delicious chocolate cookies with you? Thanks!"
Richard stopped whining as the three of them daydreamed about the cookies. Offer a man, however grown-up, a cookie and he'll be lost. Mrs. Reynolds came down with a big plate full of them, and she had to keep the three men away from her with her free hand. As she took the notebook and left the cookies, she could see the predators (er, young men) pounce on the plate, gobbling them up.
"Thanks * munch * Mrs. Reynolds *munch * one needs feeding before handling a great *munch * challenge in *munch * adult life..." Charles tried to be coherent, but his eyes were fixed on the cookie plate.
"Adult life..." Mrs. Reynolds mumbled, "As if!"
Friday came at last. The three friends were nervous, terribly so, as they changed into their brand new superhero suits. They actually managed to keep a straight face while looking at each other, although the urge to snirt was nearly unbearable.
"Right," Darcy said as he adjusted his mask, "let's get into the car. From now until 7:30" here he glared at Charles who ignored him, "we are superheroes, gentlemen!"
The car (batmobile-like, you get my gist, don't you?) went so fast our poor superheroes nearly got glued to their seats by the pressure. They actually managed to get out of the car, right in the Lambtomb (superhero fictional city, indulge me) city centre.
"Right," Darcy said, "here is when we split up."
"Er, split up?" Charles asked unsurely, "Don't you think it'd be ... safer, to stick together, um, as a team?"
"I agree with Darcy, today we're going for popularity! If we split up, more people will see us!" Richard exclaimed eagerly.
Darcy eyed him warily, "Actually, I thought we could help more people in that way. If you're in an emergency and need help, Charles, you can call us. We can speak to each other through this microphone in our watches."
"Oh." Charles began to play immediately with his watch.
"Okay, rendezvous point here at 7:25 sharp." Darcy ordered.
"Rend-what?" Charles and Richard asked in unison.
Darcy sighed. "Meet me here at 7:25. Now go."
"Okay, chief!" Richard said. It had been decided previously that Darcy would be called that temporarily until he (or a journalist) came up with a decent name.
"See you, Colonel Studmuffin and Golden Guy!"
Darcy walked in the direction of his favourite coffee shop, not really sure of what kind of action he was looking for. Just then he heard a scream. He ran in the direction where the voice had come from, excited and happy. A beautiful woman was being attacked by a thug with a mean face.
"Do not despair, madam, I'm here to help you!"
The thug and the beautiful woman looked at him and they both burst out laughing.
"What-HEY!" Darcy was outraged.
The thug managed to keep a straight face and growled menacingly at Darcy, who took out his boomerang-like device and threw it at the thug.
He failed miserably.
Everyone stood quiet, looking at the boomerang, which had landed at the thug's feet. The beautiful woman took advantage of the situation and knocked out the thug with a powerful blow.
"Er, are you all right, madam?" Darcy said, in a feeble attempt to regain his composure and self-esteem.
The beautiful woman glared at him. "I am fine, thanks, though not for your intervention! Who the hell are you?"
"I..." Darcy put on his deepest voice and said, "Just a friend."
"No friend of mine, that's for sure!"
"But ... you were in distress ... I came to help..." Darcy stammered pitifully.
"I am not a damsel in distress, in fact I can defend myself better than you ever could. Have you ever heard of self-defence classes? Why don't you take a few?"
"I ... the suit ... I'm..."
"Yes, I was getting to it. That suit." The woman looked at him, shaking her head, "It looks ridiculous. YOU look ridiculous. Why don't you just, I don't know, get a life?"
"Well, this has been enough! I know I wasn't very good at it, but I DID try to save you!" Darcy said, feeling she was clearly exaggerating.
"Yes, I realise that. I also realise, perhaps you should too, that I would've appreciated it all the more if you had come normally dressed!"
Darcy stared at her. "You ... ungrateful..."
"Don't play with me, you cad! Don't you dare insult me!"
This went on for quite a while. Attracted by the insults, Golden Guy and Colonel Studmuffin came by an hour and a half later.
"Who are these? Your happy companions? Is this a bet, a stupid contest or what?" The woman spat.
"They are my friends, Golden Guy and Colonel Studmuffin!" Darcy cried angrily.
"Oh? You forgot to get a name?" The woman sneered.
"No! I just couldn't come up with a decent one!"
"Ha! I can easily believe that!"
"Erm, excuse me miss," Golden Guy interjected, "we must leave."
"Really? Don't worry super-jerk, I'll come up with a name for you. You'll read about it tomorrow in the Meryton Post!"
"You're a journalist? Why didn't you tell me?"
"My ID was quite visible all the time!" She said, pointing to her ID card, marked PRESS.
"Oh." Darcy said, miserably.
"Well, lovely lady, I'd love to continue this exchange, and I'm sure the chief here would too, but we have to fly!" Richard said, flashing his best smile at her.
The woman left abruptly. Golden Guy sighed with relief. "Whew! That was close!"
"Close to what? I was close to strangling her, that's for sure!" Darcy exclaimed.
"That was Elizabeth, Jane's sister." Charles pointed out.
"WHAT?" Darcy shouted, "You mean I'm dining with that ... that harpy?"
"She's very good-looking harpy, you have to admit." Richard said.
"I didn't get a good look at her. We were arguing most of the time. But let's forget her, how did it go?"
"I saved four girls!" Richard said, smiling. "Their names were..." he got a bit of paper out from the utility belt he wore and read, "Right, Alyson L, Sofie, Nellie and Lewis W."
"Why on Earth did you write down their names?" Darcy asked, suspiciously.
"No reason." Richard was blushing furiously.
"Chief! He also wrote down their phone number!" Charles said, looking over Richard's shoulder.
Darcy stared at Richard. "You're telling me you saved them... and then asked for their phone number?" He said, incredulously.
"Well ... they all said I looked great in my tights ... and that Studmuffin suited me." Richard said dreamily. Seeing his cousin still glared at him he said defensively, "They didn't seem annoyed by it, I believe they wanted to give me their phone number!"
"Darce! Look at the time, we'll be late!" Charles whined.
"Oh... yes, of course. By the way, how was your patrol, Bingley?" Darcy inquired.
"Well..." Charles said, rather unwillingly, "At first it went very well, I trashed a mugger who tried to steal an old lady's handbag, helped a blind man to cross the road, but then..." Charles said shakingly, "I ... you're probably not going to believe this, but a flock of sheep appeared as from nowhere, and behind the sheep, chasing them, was a man. When he saw me, he exclaimed `Ohhh! Tights!´ and tried to chase me. I ran as quickly as I could, and managed to escape. But, I can tell you I was terrified!"
Richard and William stared at him "Charles..." Darcy said, "Let's go, shall we? Richard, take the car home."
As William Darcy and Charles Bingley entered the restaurant, the caught sight of the two women waiting for them. Jane Bennet, blonde and beautiful, William had seen her quite a few times. But the stunning brunette who was sitting beside her, and who he vaguely recognized as the beautiful woman he had insulted, and had been insulted by not long ago. He (understandably) panicked. What if she recognized him? He racked his brain for a solution...
"Hi Charles!" Jane smiled brightly when she saw her fiancé, "How did your day go?"
"Um ... it was an interesting day, to say the least. But we're here to talk pleasure, not business."
"Right. Oh, Will! This is my sister Elizabeth!"
Elizabeth Bennet looked up at him and smiled. She was quite pleased with William Darcy's appearance. She offered her hand to him.
"Er ... What-ho! You're a journalist I hear, what?" He said, with a strange, high-pitched voice.
Elizabeth's smile disappeared. She mumbled something, probably a `yes´, and sat down. Jane was staring at William, who had never spoken like that before. She shot Charles a questioning look.
"I'll explain it later." Charles whispered.
The dinner went on a bit awkwardly. William spoke with that strange voice during all the meal, and when his mobile rang, he excused himself and asked Charles to accompany him.
"Darcy! What the hell are you doing? Now Elizabeth must think you are a lunatic!" Charles told him, still bewildered by his friend's behaviour.
"I'm just taking a page out of Diego Vega's and Clark Kent's book. I'm acting as a fool so she won't realize I'm the superhero she met earlier. Now wait."
Darcy fumbled with his mobile, and as he did so he spoke smilingly to Charles. "I just knew Richard would try to impress some girl with my super car. So, this phone warns me whenever someone takes it away from the super cave. Look at this."
He pressed a few buttons, and suddenly a mechanic voice said, "The car is being taken to the cave by the automatic pilot."
A very human voice (Richard's to be precise) could be heard afterwards.
"What the hell ...? Darce! I have a date! Come on, man!"
A little swearing followed this statement and Darcy and Bingley were guffawing hysterically by the time Richard finished. Darcy turned his mobile off.
"Let's get back."
"Darcy, I've just realized your plan won't work."
"What? Why?"
"Because," Charles said reasonably, "Elizabeth also thinks the superhero she met earlier is a fool."
William had no answer to this, and when they got to their table they saw Elizabeth wasn't there.
"She had to answer a call too," Jane explained, "her editor wanted to talk to her about an article. Apparently she met three guys dressed in lycra who claimed to be superheroes. She says their chief was a jerk, and didn't even have a name!" Jane laughed at this, and failed to notice William and Charles's discomfort. Just then, Elizabeth came back.
"Well! There goes the name I had chosen. I wanted to name the guy Superjerk or something like that, but I had to negotiate. Someone took some photos of those three weirdoes and my editor took the matter into her own hands."
"So," William inquired in his high-pitched voice, "what name did you pick up?"
"The truth is, he was very handsome. So I decided to make a little pun, playing a bit with another superhero's name. Now the guy is officially, `The Hunk." Elizabeth grinned.
William loved it. Now everything had sense, the Hunk-cave, the Hunk-mobile, the Hunk-arang ... he laughed out loud, truly happy.
"Don't you like it?" Elizabeth frowned.
"What-ho!" William squeaked, "I loved it"
Thus, The Hunk was born.
Part Two: The Hunk vs. The Evil Man
For several weeks, The Hunk and his friends continued to patrol the streets of Lambtomb. They became better fighters (after hours and hours of practising, Darcy wasn't about to repeat the failure of the first day) and people all around adored them (especially women). Darcy found this both surprising and annoying, especially since the person he most wanted to admire him despised him utterly.
After the disastrous dinner meeting, William had decided to heed Charles's advice and to stop speaking with that stupid and nerve-wrecking voice. He had to throw a `what-ho!´ or two in each conversation, so that Elizabeth didn't think he was as mad as a hatter. This made him sound rather like Bertie Wooster, and Elizabeth remained suspicious about that strange throat affection which had provoked that ridiculous voice tone. Elizabeth was quite pleased with William now, whereas she continued to insult and laugh at The Hunk whenever she could, more often than not in William's presence. They usually met when Charles and Jane organised an outing, which always included them. One day, as Jane and Elizabeth were looking at shoes (something that can take a couple of women an incredible amount of time) Charles tried to persuade him to ask Elizabeth out.
"Come on, Darce!" Charles reasoned, "I think it is quite clear that you like her. And she likes you, which is quite strange given your past behaviour, so what are you waiting for?"
"Firstly, I don't really appreciate your meddling in my affairs. Secondly," Darcy groaned, "she likes William Darcy, but hates my alter ego. How can we build a relationship on that basis? And, " he added, tearfully, "I can't go on a date! I haven't got any free time! I have to leave our outing early, because what, between the company and this Hunk business I hardly have time to sleep!"
"I know. I've been avoiding Jane lately, but I just told her we were having a bit of trouble at work."
"Besides," Darcy mused, "what if she says no?"
"She wouldn't, I think. At least I wouldn't if you promised not to do that squeaky voice thing again."
"Tempting, but I think we shouldn't go on a date just now."
"Hey, who WANTS to go on a date with you?"
"You just said you would, Charles!"
"Yeah, when hell freezes over!"
"What's so horrible about me?" Darcy said, with tears in his eyes, "Am I to tall, to dark? You're hurting my feelings, Charles, you really are!"
"Darce if I was a woman, perhaps..."
"What does sex have to do with anything? You don't love me!"
"I do!"
Darcy stopped sniffling. "You do?" he asked, hopefully.
"Yes. In a friendly way."
"Well thank God! I was beginning to think you were gay!"
Charles stared at him. "You were kidding?"
"Of course! Jeez! I have my standards!"
"You were laughing at me?" Charles exclaimed, quite offended.
"Er ... No, old chap, I was only laughing ... WITH you. That's it." William was quite happy with his escape.
"Oh." Charles thought it for a few moments. "But I wasn't laughing!"
"Never mind! Just forget about it, damn!"
Elizabeth and Jane, having decided that they wanted to look at the previous shoe shop AGAIN, now approached them.
"What's this shouting about?" Elizabeth enquired.
"Er ... What-ho! Nothing important!" William said, smiling.
"I'm glad. William, do you think you could take me home? I think Jane's shopping skills are far more developed than mine. I'm done with shoes!"
Jane scowled at this desertion, and Charles uttered a badly concealed sigh of exasperation. However, Will and Elizabeth got into his very-expensive-and-very-beautiful-sports-car-everyone-loves and got out of there. Inside the car, William decided to try to ask Elizabeth out. It turned out to be a most difficult task.
"Erm, Uh- El, Elizabeth..." Darcy stammered.
"Yes?" Elizabeth said, hopefully.
William stared at the road. He racked his brain, but the words "Do you want to come with me to the cinema/theatre/dinner?" seemed to have been erased from his memory.
"This, uh, Hunk thing, what? You still angry with the guy?" He finally managed to utter.
"Oh." Elizabeth hid her disappointment. "Yes, I am. He was a jerk, still is a jerk, and will probably be one his whole life. Why?"
"Well..." Darcy wasn't having a good day for excuses. "I mean, it's a bit resentful of you, isn't it? The poor chap was actually trying to save you, and all that."
"I know," Elizabeth still marvelled at William's ability to speak with a British accent and vocabulary, seeing that he had been born in America and had never been to England. "but he was SO conceited! I mean, he was hopeless, ridiculous... I just can't find the words to describe him! And he didn't save me, I had to save HIM, for God's sake!"
Darcy became silent. They were coming near to Elizabeth's flat, and his time was running short. He tried to come up with a coherent sentence, but her presence was just too distracting.
"The dinner me is coming you like to would to the Elizabeth?" He said desperately.
"William," Elizabeth sighed, "are you trying to ask me out to dinner?"
"Er, yes. I think so, er, yes. What-ho." He said, feeling quite miserable.
"Alright, then. When and where?" Elizabeth was smiling widely. Unfortunately, this didn't help William's brain, which was quite confused at it was.
"When and where?" he asked, "Well, in a... a place of course, and at a... time."
"WHAT place, WHAT time?" Elizabeth was getting a little tired of this.
"My house, tomorrow, eight o'clock?" William said, hardly thinking.
"Very well."
The car stopped in front of Elizabeth's building. William looked at Elizabeth intensely and said, "I still think you ought to forgive The Hunk."
Marvelling at this capacity to change the subject so abruptly, Elizabeth said, "But don't you see? If there were more people like that ... idiot in tights, everyone would be a superhero!"
"Would that be a bad thing, do you think?" William asked.
Elizabeth frowned and thought for a moment. Then she smiled and turned around.
"See you tomorrow, William!"
William sighed, and drove home, thinking that women were really TOO complicated!
When Elizabeth got home, she sat down, and got her sketchpad. If that idiot, she thought, could be a superhero, why couldn't she be a superheroine? She began to draw, designing her own suit. It would be a one-piece, she decided. She began to think of colours. Red? Green? Black? No, none of them was her style. In fact, her favourite colour had always been... "Dark blue..." she murmured, "That will do!"
Then she realized The Hunk was dressed in dark blue. Oh, well! she thought, angrily, that jerk doesn't have bad taste, but I can use any colour I see fit!
Meanwhile, The Hunk and his incredible friends where preparing themselves for the daily patrol.
"Darce, I've been feeling uneasy recently..." Richard began.
"Richard, I haven't got time for dating either! Which reminds me, unless there's a huge fire, nuclear disaster, bombing, or just Armageddon, don't call me tomorrow night."
"You finally asked her out?" Charles grinned.
"Yes! It was difficult, though, you see..."
"DARCE!!" Richard bellowed, "I wasn't talking about that! Haven't you felt anything strange, recently?"
"No. I mean, apart from seeing us in tights, which I could've sworn I'd never do..."
Richard sighed. "I mean, every time we go out on patrol, there are more baddies. It's true, I've been counting! I think it finally happened."
"Exactly what has happened?" Charles asked, curiously.
"Well, my theory is..." Richard stopped and grinned, "I say, didn't I look sexier than ever saying that? I believe I should go for the intellectual look, perhaps girls..."
"Richard, to the point?" Darcy groaned.
"Oh, well. I believe that we have altered the equilibrium between good and evil, and so now we have a nemesis. A super villain." Richard said, expertly.
Darcy stared at him, and then said to Charles, "Could you pinch me? I'd swear I just heard Richard uttering a useful and intelligent comment!"
"HEY!"
"Okay, calm down," Charles said patiently, "we've got a city to save from crime and injustice."
After a long night dealing with berserk motorbikers, thugs, muggers and several other kinds of scum, the three friends met at the rendezvous point.
"How did it go?" Darcy asked.
"Fairly well. I helped quite a lot of people, but fortunately," Charles said with a trembling voice, "there were no sheep!"
"I saved a few uninteresting guys, and then..." Richard got a list out from his utility belt, "I helped and asked the phone numbers of, Michelle Ann, Annie, Janopy, Cindy C, Jeanie, Mandie, Katherine, Satya, Mortie, Yvonne..." here he mumbled a few other names.
"What about the others?" Darcy asked.
Richard said quite unwillingly, "A few girls, named Rita H and Alicia M said something about becoming your humble servants. A certain Ebony wanted YOUR phone number and mumbled something about 'there's always Davie'. Lilac is MINE, I love her name and you're not interested in her anyway, and..." Richard looked at his list again, "Charles, I have a phone number for you." He handled him a piece of paper.
"What!!!???" Charles shrieked as soon as he read the bit of paper, "Adam? I get a man's phone number? And with XXXX on top of it, too?" He groaned, "I quit!"
"Come on, Charles! You've got Jane, just remember that." Darcy tried to cheer him up.
"Oh, well," Charles mumbled miserably. "How was your patrol?"
"Oh, quite alright!" Darcy said, smilingly, as he remembered...
One hour earlier.
Darcy had trashed a lot of people, and he was feeling quite happy for it. Suddenly he saw something, which cheered him up even more, Elizabeth Bennet was right in front of him, buying some fabric. He silently accosted her and put his hands on her shoulders, thinking that due to their previous conversation she might hold friendlier feelings towards his alter ego.
"Hello! You seem to like my choice of colours," The Hunk said, seeing that the fabric Elizabeth had chosen was dark blue, "perhaps we could bury the axe?"
Elizabeth turned around and slapped a very confused Hunk.
"How do you dare talk to me? Stay away from me, you freak!" She hissed.
"But ... You, you ... harpy!" He cried.
"I'm a harpy now, am I?" Elizabeth said sarcastically, "You seemed quite cuddly just now, Mr. Useless!"
"Look here Miss High and Mighty!" The Hunk said irritably, "I would like to make amends, see? I know I wasn't very useful to you, but I'm better now. It was my first day; I'd like to see you doing this. Maybe then you'd understand."
"Oh," Elizabeth said, as she walked away with her purchase and a mysterious smile, "I understand, I assure you!"
Darcy had been pondering this, until he realized she had actually SMILED at him! He went to bed feeling truly happy that night, and looking forward to the following day.
"Mrs. Reynolds!" Darcy bellowed as he arrived home the following day, "Is everything ready?"
"Yes, Master William. Roses, wine, candles, dinner... everything you asked." Said Mrs. Reynolds patiently.
"It's a very special night for me. Thank you very much!"
William counted the minutes until Elizabeth's arrival was announced. He got and greeted her with a smile. She had obviously dressed up carefully, and William couldn't deny he was very happy with the result.
"How was your day?" William asked as he took her to the dining room.
"A bit busy." Elizabeth answered smiling. It would not do to tell him that most of her time had been spent finishing her superheroine suit. They had an agreeable dinner, chatting and laughing together. When they were done, Darcy suggested sitting in front of the fire, and Elizabeth quickly agreed.
"So," Elizabeth said conversationally, "you call this 'home'? I now know why they call it 'the Darcy mansion', at least!"
"Well," William smiled, "it certainly isn't small, although I've been feeling quite lonely with just me and Mrs. Reynolds here."
"But you have a sister, haven't you?" Elizabeth reasoned, "Jane and Charles told me so. It won't be as lonely when she's here."
"Well, yes. Then we're quite merry. But unfortunately she's at College at present. So you see, I still feel quite alone."
Elizabeth was finding William's charm very hard to resist. He had been uttering less 'what-hos' that night, and what with the fire, his dark sweater and trousers he looked positively gorgeous.
"Elizabeth," William whispered, "I..."
He couldn't end the sentence, as Elizabeth put her arms around his neck and kissed him eagerly. This attention was quite welcome by William, who reclined against the sofa and held her closer. They were quite distracted, and so William didn't notice the ringing which came from his watch until a few seconds after it had first rung. Elizabeth frowned as he got up and hastily retreated to the corridor.
"If this isn't an emergency, I swear I'll maim you and I'll enjoy doing it, too!" William nearly roared into his watch.
"Er ... Sorry, Darce." Charles said in a very small voice. "I can assure you it IS an emergency!"
"What the hell is the matter?" Darcy groaned.
"Well..." Charles said, uncomfortably, "A guy, all dressed in black, has taken over the Darcy building."
"What is he doing just now?" Darcy said in an exasperated tone.
"Um..." Charles sounded very frightened, "he's holding a detonator and threatening to blow up the building!"
"Oh, damn!" Darcy muttered. With a sigh, he told Charles not to panic and returned to the living room. Elizabeth was waiting there with a sensuous smile. William was sorely tempted to leave his friends to their own devices, company be damned.
"Um, sorry, Elizabeth. There have been some, ah ... disturbances"
"Disturbances?" Elizabeth said, frowning slightly.
"Yes, at the company, some lunatic. I have to go."
Elizabeth thought for a moment, and then kissed him passionately before whispering "See you tomorrow" in his ear.
They both left, she in a taxi, eager to try on her new suit, he in the Hunk-mobile, already changed. When he arrived at the Darcy building, he saw it was surrounded by police cars. Colonel Studmuffin and Golden Guy approached him.
"Alright, what has happened?" The Hunk asked in a deep, imposing voice.
"This guy, he broke into the building with a little army of thugs. Now he's in the roof, asking for trouble." The Colonel said, seriously.
"Alright. We'll get him out of there. My friends," The Hunk said in an impressive voice, "to the rescue!"
After a great deal of butt kicking (sorry guys, no time for description... Just imagine Darcy, with a grave, heroic face, hitting mean-faced thugs) they finally got up. But just as they reached the roof, they heard a hysterical laugh.
"So! The Skulked and his friends finally managed to get here? Perhaps my flesh is supposed to crawl?" A man clad in black appeared as from nowhere, with a malicious grin on his face.
"Your flesh won't be the only thing that will crawl when I finish with you!" The Hunk said, coldly.
"Oh, I think you're quite wrong... However if you are a coward, and find safety in numbers..." The man trailed off.
"Leave this to me, and go to calm those police officers!" The Hunk instructed Colonel Studmuffin and Golden Guy, "I'll show him!" He turned to the man with a look of defiance. His friends heeded his orders, and left.
"You will never beat the Evil Man!" The man said laughing.
Here there was an awkward silence.
"Erm, sorry ... You, did you say 'Evil Man'?" The Hunk asked.
"Yes. Evil Man, E-V-I-L..." Evil Man began to spell.
"What? You mean your super villain name is 'Evil Man'?" The Hunk asked again, bewildered.
"Yes!" Evil Man was getting quite annoyed. "Do you have a problem with that?"
"Well- no, it's just so ... obvious. I mean, one would think you'd like to come up with an original name!"
"Well, you poor excuse of a superhero, I happen to be a man, and I happen to be Evil. It works for me!" The Evil Man said defensively.
"What about..." The Hunk said, thinking, "Professor Hades! That sounds bad, evil, even." The Hunk said, helpfully.
"I am NOT a professor! Now, couldn't you just change the subject?" The Evil Man exclaimed.
"In fact, I'd been wanting to say something about your suit. That colour..."
"Cut it OFF!" Evil Man said, exasperated, "Are we going to fight, or what? Are you a superhero or a beauty parlour clerk? Jeez!"
"Alright, calm down!" The Hunk said in a conciliatory tone, "We WILL fight. But I still find you terribly disappointing."
Just as The Hunk was carefully dodging one of Evil Man's deadly gadgets, the unmistakable sound of a woman in high heels approaching made them both freeze.
A beautiful woman clad in a one-piece close-fitting dark blue suit, stopped in front of our hero and the evil super villain. Her hair was blond, and a dark blue mask covered her features.
"My, my. If it isn't two macho men fighting to see who has the biggest ego!" She said in a sensuous, low voice.
"And who," said Evil Man with a charming smile on his face, "are you, my beauty?"
The Hunk was too flabbergasted to say anything, but he did gaze at her with a sort of adoring inquisitive look.
"I am NOT your beauty," the woman said, with a wrinkled nose, "I am the Lovely Lady. And," she added, "I would like to know what's happening here."
Evil Man told her, in a honeyed voice, "This wannabe superhero was trying to stop me from blackmailing William Darcy, the owner of this company and this" he sneered, "Darcy building. Can you imagine the jewels, the furs, everything I can buy you with all his money?"
The Lovely Lady smiled sweetly at him and said, "I know, but why Darcy? There are other rich men in Lambtomb."
"Ah, yes, but I have a little grudge against my friend Darcy. I spent some time in a very uncomfortable position on his account, and I want to pay him back. What do you say, beautiful?" Evil Man's grin widened. The Hunk paled, but no one noticed this.
"What do you have to say?" the Lovely Lady asked The Hunk.
"Only that I'm going to do the right thing," he said seriously, "and that you ought to do the same. But, it is your choice."
"Oh, tough guy." The Lovely Lady smiled, "I like that. And I happen to like William Darcy. So, why don't we help this gentleman out?" She said, pointing to the Evil Man.
"Right," the Evil Man said, "you made the wrong choice. Now, prepare to die!"
The Hunk and Lovely Lady fought well together. They had the Evil Man on his knees in no time.
"And now," The Hunk said, "give me that detonator!"
"You idiots! Did you think I would carry the real one? The bomb has already been activated; it will explode in five minutes! And only I know where it is!" he laughed, maniacally.
"Come on!" The Hunk said, knocking the Evil Man out, "I think I might know where it is!"
They ran, going into Darcy Labs Inc. There The Hunk searched frantically for a specific lab.
"But how do you know where the bomb is?" the Lovely Lady asked as she followed him.
"That man's real name, is Wickham!" The Hunk exclaimed, "He was doing some illegal experiments in one of these labs, until Darcy caught him, and fired him. I suppose he put the bomb in his lab, either before he left, or tonight."
"How do you know all that?" the Lovely Lady asked, marvelled.
"Oh, I read quite a lot of newspapers, you know." He said, with a devastating smile that showed off his dimples, "It's a superhero's job."
"I thought you were a fraud." The Lovely Lady said contritely, "I actually insulted you a few times, in front of several people. But I can see I was wrong," she said, smiling, "you are a real superhero."
The Hunk gave her another devastating smile. They entered the last lab, which had an 'out of order' sign on the door.
"I think this is it!" The Hunk said.
They searched under the desk, in the closet, between the apparatus, but it was all in vain. Then the Lovely Lady accidentally tripped on the rug.
"Are you hurt?" The Hunk asked. "Hey!"
"What?" Lovely Lady inquired.
"There's a trapdoor under the rug!" The Hunk exclaimed, as he opened it. There it was, a bomb, with a clock. They only had twenty seconds left.
"Oh my God! What are we going to do?" the Lovely Lady cried.
"Don't worry." The Hunk said, opening the bomb's carcass, "I've seen LOADS of movies where the superhero has to deactivate a bomb. The thing is," he said as he picked up two cables, "which one do I cut? The red, or the black one?"
"He was Evil, and dressed in black... perhaps the black one?" Lovely Lady suggested.
"I hope you have that women intuition you all talk about, because if not, we're doomed." The Hunk said, as he cut the black one.
There was a few seconds of silence.
Then, they noticed.
"The clock has stopped! We're saved!" Lovely Lady said, putting her arms around The Hunk's neck.
They stared at each other for a few seconds. Then tentatively, he lowered his head and kissed her, as she raised her head to meet him. They stood there, still, until she opened her eyes in shock and stepped away, slapping him.
"YOU!" They both exclaimed, with a flash of recognition in their eyes.
"But ... How..." He stammered.
"And you, letting me say all those horrible things, and ... You lied to me!" She cried angrily.
"What!? I lied to you? You lied to me, too!"
"And didn't this night mean anything to you? We kiss in your house and all of a sudden you're kissing someone you don't know?"
"But it was you! I kissed the same person! And you were quite happy just now!"
"Ha! You didn't know that!" She obviously chose to ignore his last remark.
"How did you manage to dye your hair so quickly?" He wondered aloud.
"Spray. It will go away when I wash it tonight. But don't change the subject! I was wrong before. I hate you! How could you play with my feelings like this? I never want to see you again!" She sobbed. He stepped towards her, but she pushed him away, and ran off.
"Chief! Where's that guy? Who was that woman? Are you okay?" Colonel Studmuffin and Golden Guy asked, entering the lab, breathlessly.
"Yes, the guy is in the fifth floor, knocked out. I'm quite alright, thank you." The Hunk said, with a neutral voice.
"And that woman?" Colonel Studmuffin said.
"That was..." The Hunk said, in a low voice, "someone who's going to make a heck of a heroine."
Part Three: The Hunk & Lovely Lady vs. The Orange Disease
I have borrowed a character from Terry Pratchett ... I'm sure you'll know which!
Caroline Bingley had started working for Darcy labs, Inc. a few years before Darcy had met Elizabeth. Being shy, and quite disagreeable with people, she had no friends, and all of her work mates either ignored her, or simply hated her. Caroline had thus transformed into a solitary person, with only one obsession: her work.
Oh, yes, she had worked hard, and when all her work had been destroyed in a second, by her companion George Wickham, no less, she had been devastated. And who knows what would have happened if William Darcy hadn't offered a handful of kind words to her. But that he did, and he became Caroline's reason for living. She worked for him, lived for him, observed his every movement when he was inside the Darcy building.
So when Darcy came in the morning after the Evil Man affair, she felt it was her duty to comfort him.
"Mr. Darcy!" She called out when she saw him enter the building, "I really offer my..."
"Not now, Miss Bingley, please." Darcy was grave, and a little depressed. Caroline chose not to see this.
"But Mr. Darcy, the repairs..." She said, sweetly.
"Miss Bingley, leave me alone!" Darcy cried, "Yesterday a lunatic tried to blow up my building and managed to escape, I've had a hectic week, and I'm also having personal problems! The last thing I need is your shrilling voice or your officiousness!" With this, he stormed out of the lobby and into the elevator.
Caroline was stunned. Personal problems? Wasn't he aware that the woman of his dreams, herself, was madly in love with him? Deep in thought, she walked towards the receptionist.
"Louisa," she asked, "has Mr. Darcy been seeing anyone recently?"
Louisa laughed, "Why, of course! Haven't you read the tabloids? He's been seeing a certain Elizabeth Bennet, look." She handed Caroline a magazine with a photo of Darcy and a beautiful brunette.
"Thank you, Louisa."
Caroline went to her office to think. Personal problems could only mean one thing, this stupid Eliza Bennet or whatever her name was, was hurting HER Mr. Darcy. And she couldn't let that happen. Moreover, he seemed to be very much in love with her, so the only solution was...
"Miss Eliza," Caroline said with a glazed look, "you will have to disappear!"
She cackled evilly. "Um, Miss Bingley?"
Goodness, the messenger. "Yes, um ... Wilder?" She said.
"It's Wilfred, miss. You, er, you sounded like you were choking or something. I thought perhaps you weren't feeling well."
"No, no, I was laughing at a joke I just read on ... on the computer!" She said, pointing at the screen.
"Oh. It was a laugh? I mean, you have a mean-sounding laugh, miss. One could mistake it for a cough, or a fit."
"Yes, Winter, you may leave now." She said, glaring at him.
"It's Wilfred. Miss," he said, mystified, "your computer isn't on. How could you...?"
"OUT! Out, Wesley!" Caroline screeched.
"It's..." Wilfred tried to protest.
"OUT!"
When the messenger had left, Caroline sighed with frustration.
"When I'm married to Mr. Darcy, he'll be the first to go! Now ... If that lunatic managed to cause havoc dressed in a stupid suit, I can too!"
Elizabeth Bennet wasn't very happy either. After thinking about it all night, she realized she had overreacted. She frowned, deep in thought. The truth was, she was very much in love with William Darcy. The fact that she also held tender feelings for The Hunk, whom she had hated only a day before, was disconcerting. That William and The Hunk were the same person was just too much to handle. Still... Her feelings were as mixed as a good cocktail. She had just got out of her office, after a long argument with her editor. She just didn't want to write another word about any of them, The Hunk and William Darcy were a sore spot with her. She shook her head, and as she did so, she caught a glimpse of something... Orange?
"Hello?" she asked, tentatively, "Is there anyone out there?"
An evil cackle echoed through the deserted street.
"Are you alright?" Elizabeth said, with a note of concern in her voice, "You sound as if you were choking..."
The evil cackle was replaced with an exasperated groan. A figure emerged from the shadows, wearing a close-fitting suit, not unlike hers when she was the Lovely Lady. In fact, she remembered, she still carried the suit in her bag. But while her suit was a quite nice dark blue, this stranger's was a shocking orange.
"I am the Orange Disease!" The woman (for it was a woman) said.
Elizabeth rolled her eyes. Her name at least had class. The Hunk's was nice, the Colonel and Golden Guy's not as much, but these super villains had absolutely NO taste where names were concerned.
"Oh?" Elizabeth asked, raising one eyebrow.
"Yes, and I hold a grudge against you, Elizabeth Bennet!" The Orange Disease spat.
"How come?" Elizabeth said calmly, not taking this orange scarecrow very seriously.
"You have hurt the best man in the world. You have had the courage to cross him, he, who hasn't got a fault!"
Elizabeth gulped. Who was this weirdo talking about? William? The Hunk? How did she know about her private affairs?
"I don't think I need your approval to do as I please. It's MY life." Elizabeth said, icily.
"Ah, Miss Eliza, you interfered with MY affairs... And for that, I'm afraid, you'll have to pay."
"What the...?" Elizabeth said, as an orange gas surrounded her. She felt drowsy, and fell unconscious to the floor.
"We'll see who comforts William Darcy when you're gone, Miss Eliza..." The Orange Disease sneered. "I dare say I'll be there to play the part!"
William Darcy lay on the couch, eyes closed, trying to get some sleep. But the image of Elizabeth haunted him, and her words pierced his heart again and again. He had done his patrol quite unwillingly, as he was feeling miserable, and couldn't even laugh at Richard to cheer up. He had gone to sign a contract with a foreign company, in Spain. Charles had done his best, but there was really only one person who could cure him from this melancholy state. And that person would probably never talk to him again...
The phone rang, making him sigh and abandon his reverie. He picked it up, groaning mentally.
"Hello? William Darcy speaking."
"Er, Darce? Is Elizabeth there with you?"
"Charles?" Darcy asked, dumbfounded.
"Yes, it's me. Have you seen Elizabeth?"
"No. I ... We had a fight. Long story. Um, why?" William asked curiously.
"Oh, God ... It's just ... We can't contact her. Jane has been calling her home for the last three hours, and she doesn't pick up her mobile either." Charles said, worried.
"What? When did you last saw her?"
"Jane had lunch with her today, she said she seemed out of spirits. And the strange thing is, Elizabeth told my Angel she would be home soon, so she could ring and talk about the wedding..." Charles trailed off. William knew Charles had got that stupid grin on his face again.
"Charles, snap out of it! This is serious! Maybe she... Maybe someone invited her to dinner?" William said, dejectedly.
"No way, she wouldn't do that without calling Jane. We already called the Meryton Post, she left alone more than three hours ago."
William leaned against the couch, not believing what he heard. Just then, Mrs. Reynolds came in carrying an envelope. She silently gave it to Darcy, a grave look on her face. He got a slip of paper out of it, and unfolded it.
You'll never see Eliza Bennet again...
William felt a rush of anger and adrenaline, as he stared at those words, written in a handwriting that seemed quite familiar...
"Charles..." He said, his voice checked, "She has been kidnapped..."
"WHAT? How do you know?"
"I just got a note from the kidnapper. Meet me here in half an hour."
William Darcy was sitting at his huge computer in the Hunk-cave, waiting for Charles. He was sure he HAD seen that handwriting before... He tried hard to remember, images of his beloved in pain assaulting his brain.
"Will!" Charles cried, running towards him.
Will lift his hand, mutely asking him to shut up. The note was on his lap, and he was staring at it so intently he nearly bore a hole in the paper.
"I KNOW I've seen this handwriting before!" He muttered, looking at Charles despairingly.
"Will..." Charles tried to say, soothingly.
"It's just so ironic! I tried to become a superhero to help people, and now I'm messing up my life being just ME! Wickham wanted to hurt ME; this person wants to hurt Elizabeth because of me..." William trailed off, his voice checked. He covered his face with his hands.
A long silence followed.
"Er, Charles?" William said, lifting his head a little, "That was your cue."
"My cue?" Charles asked, clearly mystified.
"Yes. I just ranted about how miserable and useless I am, and now you should tell me it isn't true, and that everything will be okay." William explained.
"Oh. But I don't think everything will be okay, and you are really getting everyone into a terrible mess."
"You don't get the point, do you?" William hissed.
"What point?"
"How the heck am I supposed to save anyone if I don't have even my best friend's moral support?" William said, glaring at him.
"Being lucky?" Charles said, thoughtfully.
William sighed in despair. I couldn't get a smart mate, oh no, I had to get stuck with the dreamy jerk and Rodolfo Valentino who is out of the country! It's just my luck, my damned bad luck! he said to himself.
"Right," William said, as he stood up and got his briefcase, carefully putting the note inside, "I'm going to my office, perhaps I can find the matching handwriting there. And Charles?"
"Yes?" Charles said, still wondering about Darcy's last question, and thinking about what Jane would do. Of course, then his thoughts drifted towards Jane, and all his brain cells went on strike.
"Just..." William said, wearily, "Stay here. Don't move. I'll come back, presently."
Elizabeth woke up, feeling terribly dizzy. She tried to look around, but everything looked like a dark blur. She tried to focus and remember what had happened. When she forced her mind to go over her memories after she had exited her office, and then it came all back to her. She had been kidnapped. Kidnapped by a weird woman she had never seen before and who looked like an orange duck. That part was clear, but ... What was that Orange Marquise (that had been her, horrible, name, hadn't it?) going to do with her? Although she didn't find this super villain very frightening, she was very much unsure of what she intended to do with her. She suddenly felt helpless, and she couldn't help wishing Darcy were there. And you wanted to be a heroine? She told herself, You can't even keep calm! Her eyes filled with tears and she really hoped Darcy would find her soon.
Little did she know that the object of her affections was at that very moment, sitting in his office looking at every single bit of written paper he could find, trying to remember WHERE had he seen that blasted handwriting. Suddenly, he caught a glimpse of a report. It was from Darcy labs, and there was a hand-written note on one side...
"Of course, we can change the main composition if you give us a little time." Darcy read, staring at the piece of paper. This was IT! The handwriting matched the one of the note perfectly. Now it only rested to see who had written the report... "Caroline Bingley!" Darcy uttered in disbelief, "Right, now the only thing I need is my computer and ... Charles."
Charles had stayed, quite dumbfounded, in the Hunk-cave. After a while, he thought it would be nice to have some cookies, and some tea, so he asked Mrs. Reynolds to send down some. After that, he fidgeted and paced impatiently. He took a go at the huge computer, and got angry, as he lost several times against it. Then he began to wonder what would he look like in Colonel Studmuffin's or The Hunk's suit? He was halfway through putting Studmuffin's suit on, when the video-telephone rang.
"Uh, yes?" Charles said, picking up the phone and placing himself in front of the computer's giant screen.
"Charles, I've found ... What the heck were you doing?"
"Oh, I ... Nothing, Will."
"Then why do you have Richard's..." William trailed off, and then said, shaking his head, "Never mind. I DON'T want to know. Charles, I'll be there in a sec, I think I know where Elizabeth is."
"Really?"
"Yes. It'll take me half an hour to organize our battle gadgets if I do it alone, and then we'll be gone."
"What if I help you?" Charles asked, with a hopeful look.
"An hour and half. Don't worry, and call Richard. Tell him to come home as soon as possible, but don't give any details, I swear he's going to regret missing all the fun!"
Elizabeth's head perked up as she heard footsteps approaching. She was in a tiny room, which only had a little table, a chair, and a bed. Tear traces could be seen on her cheeks, she had been crying for a long while, wishing that The Hunk or William would come to her rescue. She heard a key entering the lock, and she watched as someone opened the door. A little man, with a great hunch and a horrible face appeared.
"Hullo! I knowth you are frightened, but thereth nothing to fear! My mithtreth ith only going to kill you!" The thing said, cheerfully. Taking a closer look, Elizabeth realized it wasn't a man, it was a robot!
"Who ... WHAT are you?" She asked, trembling.
"Now, mith, you thee, I'm not thuppothed to talk to you. The mithtreth would get very angry, but I ith Igor. Mithtreth's grander creathion!"
"Who is your mistress?" Elizabeth asked, looking at him. If this was that orange duck's grandest creation, she couldn't be very good.
"Thee ith..."
"Igor! Stop chatting and bring the prisoner!"
"Oopth! I think we'll better go, mith. The mithtreth ith dangerouth when thee ith angry."
Elizabeth was sure this was only a dream. Robot hunchbacks named Igor? Orange super villains? Nah, it had to be a dream! But then, where was William clad in a wet shirt, like Colin Firth? Where her boss being devoured by giant slugs?
She looked around, and saw a normal house. Well, as normal as it could get, with its present owner. Igor took her to a sitting room (equipped with a lab on one corner and a mount of robot pieces, some of them looking remarkably like Igor's predecessors.
"So, here you are, the famous Elizabeth Bennet!" She heard someone sneer. "Or should I call you Lovely Lady? I must say the contents of your handbag are very revealing!"
Elizabeth froze. She saw the Orange... Oh, what was it? Marquise? Well, the Orange whatever, walking towards her. She obviously thought it was a sensuous pace, but Elizabeth thought she looked like a duck waddling.
"And as I told you, you have made me quite angry. Not only have you hurt William Darcy, you also lead a most shocking double life!"
"What is it to you if I hurt William Darcy? He hurt me first!"
"You had no right! He is MINE!!!!" This last sentence was uttered with a glazed, and (for Elizabeth) scary look. "He's going to marry me, and we'll have five children, William, Bertram, Ashley, Edgar and ... Barney! All his splendour will be mine, I'll be dressed in the most fashionable gowns! All this will be mine, when you are gone!"
"What are you going to do with me?" Elizabeth asked, with a defiant look.
"Not intimidated yet, Eliza?" The Orange Disease snickered.
"Not at all! My courage always rises with every attempt to intimidate me!" Elizabeth wondered why on Earth had she said that, but she waved off the thought, because it was a nice phrase.
"Well, Eliza Bennet, I'm going to kill you!" The Orange Disease exclaimed, getting a remote control out of her belt, "I'll place you in an easy-escapable situation involving an over-elaborate and exotic death! No one can save you now!!!!" She said, cackling evilly.
Just then, the front door crashed, and the Hunk and Golden Guy appeared.
"Let her go, you ... Orange duck?" The Hunk asked, as he stared at the Orange Disease's suit.
"Yes, let Lizzy go!" Charles piped in, "Or else we'll hurt you!"
The Orange Disease cackled again.
"Are you alright?" Charles said, concerned, "You sound like you're having a coughing fit!"
"CAN'T ANYONE RECOGNIZE AN EVIL CACKLE ANYMORE? I'M LAUGHING, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!" The Orange Disease screeched. She pressed a button on her remote control and (literally) out of nowhere, an army of Orange, mean faced robots appeared. "Kill them! All of them!" The Orange Disease cried, pointing at all three of them.
"Charles, go and look for help! I'll try to manage!" The Hunk told Golden Guy, as he stood in front of Elizabeth. Charles left as fast as he could, and Elizabeth hugged The Hunk tightly. "I'm so sorry for everything..." She said, her voice checked.
"Never mind. Do you think you can fight?" He asked, caressing her cheek.
"At your side? I can do anything." She said, smiling.
The Hunk with his gadgets and Elizabeth with her extensive knowledge of Martial arts, tried their best to defend themselves, but there were too many robots.
"If we die, try to remember I love you!" Elizabeth said, as she kicked a robot's head off.
"I will!" The Hunk said, as he threw his Hunk-arang at another robot. The robots were getting dangerously close, and Elizabeth had been hit on the left arm. When everything seemed lost, suddenly a male voice, with a clear accent, was heard...
"Arrrrrr!"
Elizabeth and The Hunk lifted up their heads, as a huge robot entered the house, breaking through the roof.
"Yar daft buggers! You're no match for the Sheperdinator!" The same male voice cried, as the robot began to break the Orange Disease's army like one would break a computer (easiest thing to do.).
Elizabeth and The Hunk were dumbfounded. Then, Golden Guy came in, panting.
"I'm sorry I couldn't get here faster! Remember that guy who chased after sheep? It turns out he's a scientist, and quite a nice guy. He offered his help and brought this invention of his!"
The Sheperdinator was massacring the Orange robots, and the Orange Disease was screeching like mad.
"Charles, you're a genius!" The Hunk exclaimed, hugging him.
"I know I am!" Charles said, grinning, "Angel always tells me so!"
"Hey, you people! What do ye want to do with this?" Adam's (for it was indeed Adam controlling the Sheperdinator) voice said. THIS turned out to be the Orange Disease.
"Let me go! When William Darcy, my fiancé learns about it, he'll kill you!" She was screeching.
"I don't think so." The Hunk said matter-of-factly. "Caroline Bingley, you're going to rot in prison."
"I'll take her to the police station, then." Adam said, waving. "It was nice to meet ye all. I hope ye'll be there when I try to take over the world!"
"We will be there!" Elizabeth said, smiling. "Well, you'll be. I discovered I'm no superheroine, after all. I was terribly wrong about you, but I wanted you to know that..." She said, staring into William's eyes, "I love you."
"Elizabeth Bennet, will you marry me?" He said, grinning.
"Only if you promise to wear that suit to bed." She answered, lifting one eyebrow.
"Done!" He exclaimed, picking her up and laughing. "Charles, I think we must have a double wedding!"
"I'm sure my Angel will be delighted! But, Will..." Charles said, contritely, "Would you mind terribly if I quit this superhero business? I really think I'm not good enough, and I don't like it as much as you do, and..."
"Never mind, Charles. I think Rich and I can manage. Now, let's get Elizabeth to a hospital! Her arm looks broken."
A few months afterwards, Elizabeth and Jane, radiant, married the men they loved. William went on being The Hunk, and always went to bed with his suit on. Wickham was eventually found and beaten, along with other super villains. The Slimy Toad, Lady Cat, The Drunken Man... Being as happy as he was, William could beat them all single-handed. He became famous as The Hunk, and someone even made a comic with the story. But to him, the greatest deed of all was coming back to his loving wife, who always received him with the same words...
"Welcome home, my hero."