Posted on Sunday, 10 March 2002

One dismal Sunday afternoon, Leona and Mandy were refreshing the DWG story board to see if Saphrie had posted the next chapter of AUI but it appeared that our young author was more concerned with other issues, and though she promised repeatedly, had no intention of posting the next section that afternoon.

"Leona, it appears that we are being forced to take matters into our own hands!" Mandy mischievously cackled.

"I can not understand her unwillingness Mandy, I mean we offered her the richest of rewards if she would just post the next section!" Leona moaned, "It appears that we much now go to plan B."

Mandy's countenance turned bright when she thought of what activities were ahead. She got out her big duffel bag and began to stuff it with handcuffs, rubber gloves, and sturdy rope.

"I have enlisted the assistance of Colonel Fitzwilliam," Leona winked "it appears that he was not at all happy about having no role in this story." "He has volunteered to handle the dirty work in true soldierly fashion," she smiled. "After all, there is no need for us to get dirty," Leona added, brushing an invisible speck of dirt from her dress.

Mandy jumped as she heard the doorbell. "Is he here already?" She ran to the door to find a very handsome blonde man carrying two very large black bags that were squirming under his arms. "Thank you for your prompt assistance, Richie!" Mandy said as she wiped a drip of drool from her chin that occurred when she saw his bulging muscles as he carried the bags into the living room.

"Richard," Leona greeted him. Prompt as always I see, she smiled. "I have Saphrie's address on this piece of paper, as well as the hours that she is most frequently at home." At that, she handed Richard a piece of paper. "On the backside is the address I wish you to take her to, as well as other important details." Richard took the offered piece of paper but not before giving a definitive stare. "I am assured that you will uphold your side of the bargain, Miss. White." Leona only laughed "Of course I will, you take care of this for me, and I'll see what I can do with Mr. Ashmore."

Mandy stared after Richard as he left. "So what do we do with them?" she asked Leona, pointing to the bags. One of them pinched her thigh when she got too close. "Oh oh, hands off me you nasty nasty thing!" she screamed kicking at the large bag.

"D*hm it", Leona shouted "I knew that one was going to be a problem, "Here" Leona handed Mandy a bottle of brandy "that should keep him quiet for a while." As for the other four bags, I suppose we should start with number one

Mandy went to the kitchen and came back with a nice thick roll of duct tape. "Here you hold her down while I tape up her mouth." Mandy lowered the bag exposing Lady Catherine's head. Lady Catherine immediately began scrutinising the decorations of the room. "What a horrid view you must have from this wind. "Mandy quickly placed the tape over her mouth before she could continue.

"I believe we have two or three hours to kill at least," Leona sat back down on the couch and stretched herself out, "I told Richard to call me when he had collected Saphrie. "What shall we do in the mean time?"

Mandy went over and unwrapped the object in the last bag. She gently folded the bag away, exposing a very sweaty Mr. Darcy. "Well, Mr. Darcy could use a bath, if he is to be the positive influence we hope him to be! We could occupy ourselves with bathing him?"

"Perhaps this is why Saphrie could not be tempted by Mr. Darcy," Leona countered pinching her nose to avoid Mr. Darcy's stench. "Though I would hardly let a little smell bother me if the prize were this fabulous." Mr. Darcy coloured at this obvious praise

Mandy ran her hand through his sweaty curls. "Come, Mr. Darcy, let's get you cleaned up."

The bath in question took quite a long time, so much so that Darcy was properly attired no longer than five minutes before Colonel Fitzwilliam called to say he had collected the prize.

Richard asked where his cousin was. Mandy answered, "Oh, he's in the other room, napping. Would you mind helping us get the cargo into the back of the van? We need to get over to Rosings Parsonage as quickly as possible! I don't know how long she will survive in that closet!"

"Especially with those amazing sleeves," Leona laughed. At this, the Lady Catherine's bag began to squirm but Richard flung it unceremoniously onto the back of his pickup. "I've always wanted to do that," he said with a wicked smile.

A short drive later, the party had arrived at Rosings Parsonage. Richard helped the two young women by removing their luggage. Finally, he went over to a small closet and roughly dragged Saphrie out of it and towards the pantry. When he had finished, Richard turned back to Leona "I believe that is all I am need for, you can call me if anything unexpected arises." "Thank you" Leona replied sweetly. "Oh and Miss. White, I want Mr. Ashmore dead, no amnesia, no being shipped of to a foreign country, no horrible misunderstanding," he paused "nothing that can be rectified." "Of course Richard" Leona replied with one hand firmly behind her back and two fingers crossed sharply." "As for you Miss. Delzell, excellent story" he smiled and taking Mandy's hand, kissed it "keep up the good work."

Mandy nearly fainted when his handsome lips brushed against her hand. "I'll see you later, Richard!" Richard left and Leona and Mandy entered the house. They walked to the pantry where Richard had placed the three bags with a tied up Saphrie. "Mandy threw a pad of paper and several pencils in Saphrie's lap and ordered, "Write! And don't give me anymore of Chapter one or two, I want to know Lady C's reaction to Lady Maveron!" Mandy untied Lady Catherine, and removed the tape from her mouth. She immediately began complaining that Mr. Collins hadn't put enough shelving in this pantry. "How is one to have a properly organised pantry with only four main shelves?"

"Mandy, can you" she said throwing a furtive look in Lady Catherine's direction. Mandy immediately re-taped Lady Catherine's mouth. "Now Saphrie, we did warn you about this, in fact we even offered you Mr. Darcy as a prize if you wrote a new chapter. Remember? For each page you wrote we offered to remove one article of clothing, but you still refused and so it has come to this." Leona waved her hand around the room, now you will write." she added, her voice nothing but ice. "And if I refuse," Saphrie said, her ever rising anger apparent. "Oh you don't want to refuse," Leona laughed, "Believe me."

"But I cannot write without a proper computer! I never use pen and ink! I need my talented keyboard to continue with my story!" Saphrie whined.

"Nonsense," Leona angrily said, "you can write well enough despite the medium." "I will be back in one hour to check on your progress." At this, Mandy removed the tape from Lady Catherine's mouth again, and the two made a hasty escape, locking the pantry door behind them. The circled around to an adjoining room, where a viewing window to the pantry was cleverly hidden. When they entered the room Mr. Bennett rose to greet them. "What is my part in this?" he asked curiously viewing the two young women before him

"Mr. Bennet, we need you to assist us in assessing Saphrie's progress. She tends to write and then re-write the same chapter, thinking that this will suffice. We need you to tally her progress, and make sure that she doesn't get out of her story-writing on a technicality!" Mandy informed him.

Saphrie had written no more than two paragraphs before Lady Catherine had bored of commenting on the surroundings, and began to peer over Saphrie's shoulder in order to read what she had written. "What impertinence! I shall send your family no compliments if you insist to write such things about me!" Saphrie grimaced as Lady Catherine's shrill voice pierced her eardrum. "I would never be so impolite" Lady Catherine complained, "don't you know that I am charitable to all young woman, offering them never ending bits of advice" at this she began a long rant which only ended, when Saphrie picked up the piece of paper and ripped it in two Instead Saphrie wrote one simple sentence. She handed it to Mr. Bennet as he came to collect her pad of paper for review. "Tsk, tsk! They will not be pleased when they see this!"

When they entered the pantry, Mr. Bennet handed Leona the pad of paper. On it was clearly written with elaborately decorated letters, "I will not be forced to write!"

Leona was not impressed, and ripped the paper into several pieces, flinging it at Saphrie. "What is the matter, I have warned you that if you do not write you will only be met with further penalties and still you do not write."

On cue, Mandy removed the bag from the second person, revealing a very sweaty and greasy Mr. Collins. "Oh, no! Don't leave me in here with him!" Saphrie cried. "Write!" ordered Mandy.

"Well, it's just that I can't write without my talented keyboard," Saphrie moaned. "Without it, I am lost," she cried! Leona narrowed her eyes at the young woman, attempting to figure out whether she was sincere or not. Deciding on the later, she rang Richard on his cell phone and instructed him to bring the computer over. He arrived some thirty minutes later, computer in hand. Bringing it into the pantry, they attached an extension cord and searched aimlessly for an outlet. Finding none, Mandy unwrapped Mr. Collins again and holding her nose asked, "where are the electrical outlets sir."

Lady Catherine began protesting through the tape on her mouth. Mr. Collins spoke up, "As my noble patroness, the lovely Lady Catherine de Bourgh of Rosings Park has frequently bestowed, in her most elegant voice I might add, that electricity is of the devil! And so, being a man of the cloth that I am, I have no such pathways to hell in my humble homestead. Which, speaking of my homestead, had you not noticed the staircase on your entry to my home? It is fine, I am sure, from the most generous designs of my noble patroness. However, it is nothing compared to the grandeur at Rosings Park! Lady Catherine de Bourgh has four very fine and exquisitely ornate stair passages leading throughout her grand estate!"

At this Mandy, firmly re-taped Mr. Collin's mouth shut. Richard could do nothing more than laugh hysterically. Leona crossed her arms elaborately over her chest and threw an angry glance his way at which he quieted down. "Mandy and I had thought of this of course," Leona declared resolutely, "Richard, if you go upstairs you'll find an enormous wheel, can you bring it down for me."

"How did I get wrapped into doing all the work," he sulked "you owe me a horribly violent death for this you know." "Don't push it Richard," Leona smiled crossly. With the assistance of Mr. Bennet, the two gentlemen brought down the enormous wheel and placed it into the pantry.

Mandy hooked the wheel to the computer through a series of wires and other complex entanglements, and ordered Mr. Collins to make it turn. Leona and Mandy smiled as Mr. Collins quickly began to perspire. "We'll see how long she lasts with this stench!" Mandy snickered quietly to Leona.

"Oh, and Saphrie" Leona laughed "if you finish a new chapter in the next hour, I'll provide you wish this" at this she held up a heavily perfumed handkerchief. With that, the door was shut and locked again, now with Saphrie, Mr. Collins, and Lady Catherine inside.

Mandy and Leona decided to check on Mr. Darcy while they left Saphrie to write. Inside the room, Saphrie was punching in some words on her keyboard. The hot steamy pantry already causing Mr. Collins to sweat fiercely. Mr. Collins began to admire Saphrie's typing; "such beautiful" pant "and excellently" deep breath "timed strokes". "Or course" wheeze and look in Lady Catherine's direction "if Anne" pant "had learned, I am sure" wheeze "she would be" cough "a true proficient" he finished with great difficulty.

Lady Catherine looked over Saphrie's shoulder, to find she had only written a paragraph. "Miss Saphrie! My beloved clergyman" - she here flirted with him briefly, but condescendingly - "is becoming very hot and sweaty because of you, and though he does look good in a ... damp... wet... shirt - I must insist that you get to writing before he starts to overheat. Mr. Collins, you look very hot. Why not take off your waistcoat?" Mr. Collins removed more than that, stripping off his shirt as well. His gut bounced freely in the air with each stride.

Saphrie shrieked, "Leona, Mandy save me from this beastly sight!" she ran over to the door to the pantry, knocking over several boxes of dry goods off of Mr. Collin's most efficient shelves. She made it to the locked door and pounded fiercely, "Please, somebody save me!"

Mr. Wickham had finally succeeded in ripping open his bag with his teeth. "Do not fear! I shall save you! Simply untie me, and we will run off to Gretna Green and be married." For I am a soldier in the _____ Regiment. Do I not look attractive in my Red Coat? And even more attractive if I take it off like -"

"Now, who am I marrying again," Mr. Wickham lurched forward, already heavily drunk on five or was it seven bottles of brandy. Leona simply handed him another bottle, and he sat contentedly on the sofa with his new prize. "Mandy, perhaps you could tie him up, for we are not ready for him yet," she smiled to which Mandy pulled out a long cord of rope and bound his feet. Leona walked over to the pantry door and unlocked it. Saphrie was crying but she did not care. "Have you finished the chapter yet," Leona asked.

Mr. Bennet looked in on the spectacle, gaining great amusement from all the interesting characters therein, and looked on Saphrie's screen. "My dear Saphrie, I think we are all extremely aware on how and why Elizabeth became Lady Maveron - But I congratulate you on finally showing a bit of progress. However, I do believe you have once more violated the guidelines, and some form of torment will now be done to you. I am terribly sorry, but I must look after my dear Lizzy. As well - wasn't there something about Bingley arriving in the last chapter? That could be very good for my Jane. "As you can see, it is my duty as a parent to torment you, so - Mandy, what shall we do now?

Leona gave Mandy a knowing look and nodded toward the drunken man tied up before them. Mandy cautiously went over to him and avoided his pinches and gropes as she untied him and threw him into the pantry with Saphrie.

"There you go Mr. Wickham! You may play with Saphrie for a while!"

Mandy heard Saphrie pleading for mercy as Wickham began to clumsily stroke and kiss her cheek.

"Be a good lass, Little Saphrie. You have nothing to fear of old Mr. Wickham!" he devilishly purred in her ear.

Mandy informed Saphrie that her torture could all be avoided if she'd only agree to write more efficiently.

Mandy laughed as she shut the door behind her leaving a sweaty Mr. Collins, shocked Lady Catherine, drunk Mr. Wickham, and helpless Saphrie in the pantry.

"It shouldn't be long now, Leona! I don't think she can take much of that!"

"Saphrie darling," Wickham leered at her, "how beautiful you look this evening." He attempted to run her hands through her hair in a sensual manner, but kept missing her hair and clocking her on the side of the face. Leaning down he kissed her neck, but all Saphrie could focus on was the heavy stench of liquor that assailed her nostrils.

Mr. Bennet peered in the window at the events. "ER, Miss White, Miss Delzell, she's currently running around the room trying to evade Wickham. Don't you think that might hinder her ability to type?"

Mandy shot a worried look at Leona, who quickly decided that the atmosphere was hardly conducive to writing. "I knew we were going to have trouble with him." Unlocking the room, Leona went in and dragged Wickham out, which was not hard to do because he was half falling over of his own accord. She smiled at Wickham, covering her nose as to avoid the smell of him." Wickham, why don't you go into the south parlour, Lydia is waiting there" she smiled. "Lydia," Wickham snorted at Leona, "arggg, I've been married to her at least a month, I find her boring darling." Then attempting to smile in the most alluring way possible, Wickham reached down and pinched her bottom, "Perhaps we could occupy ourselves, eh, Lenora."

Mandy graciously came to Leona's rescue and removed Wickham's hand from her derriere.

"I think you need to go see you wife, now. Mr. Wickham!" and Mandy threw him in the parlour with a waiting Lydia.

Mandy returned to Leona and Mr. Bennet. "Well, they will be busy for a while! No offence Mr. Bennet!"

Mr. Bennet rolled his eyes. "Don't worry, in Saphrie's story, Lydia hasn't run off with Wickham yet, and if I'm careful, I can prevent that from occurring. Now, then, let's look through the window and see what's happening in there." Mr. Bennet looked in, then looked away quickly. "Er, it seems Mr. Collins has gotten a bit hotter, and has taken off his trousers. Lady Catherine is ogling him, and he seems to be blushing a most horrible shade of red. I tell you this because you really don't want to look." "By the way, I do not believe that white boxers with red hearts should actually exist in regency times. That's an anachronism."

Leona swore angrily under her breath. This entire afternoon was becoming a circus, she was thankful that Mandy had quickly removed Wickham, for it had been left to her, Wickham would have left with nothing less than a broken finger. The problem remained, however, that Saphrie had still made no progress, and so she had little choice but to add more torture and fetch Miss. Bingley. She made her way upstairs, with much coaxing, managed to draw Caroline's attentions away from the mirror. "Miss. White she purred "you must be a young woman of excellent breeding, for only a true gentleman's daughter could pick out such a beautiful creation as this." Caroline, twirling around a couple times to show off her new gown. Bought with Leona's VISA; it was a horrible shade of orange. "Wherever did you find it," Caroline prattled on "such cut, such colour!" "At Al's costume shop," Leona muttered under her breath "when they had their post-Halloween 50% off sale.

"Colonel Fitzwilliam," she smiled on entering the room 'I did not know you where to be here, could we perhaps expect Mr. Darcy as well?" she asked raising her eyebrow. Before he could answer however, Mandy and Leona took one of each of Caroline's arms and dragged her towards the pantry. Mr. Bennet, who had yet to forgive the young woman for her treatment of Jane, held the door open with some satisfaction.

"Saphrie," Mandy began as they entered the pantry with Leona, "Caroline is to be your wedding coordinator."

"I am?" "She is?" the women in question asked in unison.

"Yes! Saphrie, is to wed Mr. Collins; and we thought since you are the pinnacle of fashion, my dear Caroline, that you could help to dress her for her wedding!"

Mandy handed them a catalogue to peruse that specialised sending dresses over the time continuum. (Like 'beaming' them over)

Caroline immediately selected a nice bright orange frock and ordered it with Leona's VISA card

"Now, we must redecorate this room though. Look at those shelves in the closet! No one of any taste and fashion has shelves anymore - they prevent the storage of large dresses. And what is that horrible fat man doing on that spinning wheel? And who is that old biddy there? Really, I'm beginning to think this house is full of the lower classes" Caroline noticed Saphrie was typing. "Writing a story! What! I have connected myself with one in trade!?"

"Young Lady, I am not in the..." Lady Catherine began but was quickly silenced by a wave of Caroline's hand. Not used to being talked back to Lady Catherine was stunned into silence for some time.

Caroline looked over Saphrie's shoulder at what she was writing and snorted. "You silly Dwiggies," she laughed "I don't understand the lump of you." "Writing all these Lizzie and Darcy stories when you have it in your capacity to write the greatest love story of your time." "I mean you have the opportunity to correct an injustice and marry Mr. Darcy to myself, the way Miss Austen should have written it, and yet we get all this Darcy-Elizabeth drivel instead!" "Like here," Caroline complained pointing towards the screen "Mr. Darcy's attentions should be on me," she stomped her foot for emphasis. "Argg," Caroline exclaimed "At least I got a new dress from this mess," she stated "and such a fetching colour."

Saphrie screamed out in frustration. "How am I to be expected to write under these conditions?"

Mandy stepped over to her, "Saphrie, you think this is torture, do you? Think of what you put us through waiting to find out what happens next to Lady Maveron! If you are being tortured it is your fault alone! It is a well-known fact that one must always appease every whim of their fans! Now get back to work!"

Saphrie was still refusing to write.

Mandy left the room and consulted with Leona, "I think it is time to call in our secret weapon. Would you like to call him, or shall I?"

Leona grabbed the telephone and dialed his number.

"Hello, this be Adam Cuerden. Oi caan't taalk now, because Oi'm out sha-"

"Adam, stop impersonating an answerphone. We know that's you, and it's an emergency!"

"Whaat yer taalkin' about?"

"Saphrie refuses to write!"

"Whaat! Oi'll be roight over! Let me just get a very special loicence from the reggy-strar!"

Mandy and Leona sat down waiting for their secret weapon. Colonel Fitzwilliam sat down between the two and began his own rant of sorts. "Now, Mandy" he winked at her, "I get to keep Elizabeth in this version right, because lots of other Dwiggies have throw her my way, only to have Mr. Darcy beat me out for her affections." "Do you have any idea how that affects my self-esteem to be constantly beaten by my aloof cousin?" When Mandy would not give him a response, he turned to Leona with a simple "dead, right?"

Fortunately, before either of them were forced to answer, the sound of the Wurzels' "Combine Harvester" blaring out of the stereo on his tractor alerted everyone to Adam's arrival. Caroline and Lady Catherine, who had since weaselled their way out of pantry, openly showed their contempt for the new arrival, who was clearly of the lower classes. In one swift movement, Adam pulled a switch and the two were smothered to death under a load of cow manure that he dumped on them from the trailer behind.

"Roight, now where's thaat Saaphrie! Oi'll show her!"

"Roight then. Oi brought with me here a very special loicence. It gives me the roight ter marry Saphrie and Collins, and Oi also haas a no Oi do's ceremony does Oi! Oh, and then there's the other bit, but Oi won't tell them daft readers about thaat, but..." he whispered to them, and Leona and Mandy giggled, and Mr. Bennet chuckled.

Mr. Collins was horrified that his wealthy patroness had suffered an unwelcome end. But that left him alone with a certain single, and fetching woman. To be locked in his pantry with her was exciting, and Mr. Collins could barely control his masculine urges with Saphrie so near and alone with him.

Mr. Bennet, who was watching the window into the pantry, called everyone over, as it looked like the needed event was about to happen.

"Miss Saphrie, you cannot doubt what I am about to speak on. "The fact that he still hadn't put his trousers back on, and his leering expression made this subject abundantly clear indeed. I must ask you to marry me. "Saphrie blinked; then some of the terror receded from her. "My reasons for marrying are, first, that I think it a right thing for every clergyman in easy circumstances (like myself) to set the example of matrimony in his parish. Secondly, that I am convinced it will add very greatly to my happiness; and thirdly my noble, though sadly deceased patroness, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, very often encouraged me to do so. Until now, I have always hoped I might marry her, but now, I do believe that you might do as well."

"NOOOOOOOOO!!!" cried Saphrie. Adam moved to go in to start the ceremony, but Mr. Bennet grabbed his arm.

"Ah, you seek to increase my ardour, in the manner of fashionable ladies! My reasons for believing it are briefly these: I am, as you can see, a handsome, virile man, whom you could in no way resist. As well, this living, and my connection with the noble (if deceased) Lady Catherine De Bourgh make me all the more worthy. And, of course, if you persist in refusing to finish An Unexpected Inheritance, it is quite certain that another offer of marriage will never come your way. Thus, you object in the manner of fashionable ladies."

"I agree," stated Mr. Bennet. "My dear Saphrie, after the torment you have put us characters through, of reliving the same days over and over, the respect you once had of all has dropped immensely. Should you not give us new material, we may even revolt. Thus, you must marry him. Mr. Cuerden?"

"Aye, Oi haas here a very special licence fer this ceremony. It comes with a special ceremony, t'boot.

"Marriage is a noble state - although this pertikular one's a bit of a faarce - and is not to be gotten out of loightly. It bind a man and a woman - remember now thaat we're in regency toimes - permanently one ter another...

A screaming Lydia, who had run into the room with Wickham chasing after her, interrupted the ceremony. The two were in various states of undress, and Lydia was pointing to a large stain on the front of her knickers and yelling, "he threw up on me, the dirty b**, he actually threw up on me."

Leona gave a curt glance in Mr. Bennet's direction, "could you perhaps deal with this, so we can proceed with the ceremony." Mr. Bennet chuckled, then bashed Wickham's head in with a cane. "Mr. Cuerden, if you'll kindly bury this body in your field?" Adam nodded. "Thank you. Right, Lydia I believe you're safe from him in An Unexpected Inheritance at least!"

Lydia beamed at her father, and went to tidy up.

Adam, undisturbed by the intervening events, continued " As the love is evident, there is no need ter arsk any of the questions traditional, so I now pronounce yer man and woife. Yer may now kiss the broide."

Saphrie's "Nooooo!" was drowned out by a slurpy kiss from Collins.

"However, Oi should point out that under the terms of this very special loicence, if yer write at least one new chapter of An Unexpected Inheritance, and share it with all in a week, the marriage is void, and until then, Collins and yer must live apart."

"So, whaat will it be?"