Posted on Wednesday, 24 July 2002

"And this hour we have a fantastic skin care line for sale! Please welcome Sir Walter Elliott!"

Man in terrible clothes, pattern somewhat resembling cheesy 70's wallpaper walks on stage.

"Hello, Sally! Today I've brought the fabulous line of Gowland!"

Audience claps, phone number appears on the screen: 555-VAIN

"I always recommend the constant use of Gowland during the spring months. You must know that Mrs. Clay has being using it at my recommendation. And you see what it has done for her. You see how it has carried away her wrinkles."

A young lady with freckles, a projecting tooth, and a clumsy wrist, but altogether well looking walks on stage.

Audience ooohs and ahhhs.

"Ah yes, Mrs. Clay has quite improved."

Mrs. Clay simpers pleasingly to Sir Walter (disgusting to normal people.)

Audience tries to gag, but stage manager points to

NO GAGGING sign.

"I most especially recommend Gowland to the ladies of Bath. For I have seen so many plain faces walking the streets! I grant you, there are pretty women in Bath. But the number of the plain is out of all proportion."

Mrs. Clay nods.

"I have observed frequently, as I walked, that one handsome face, would be followed by thirty, or five and thirty frights; and once, as I stood in a shop in Bond street, I counted eighty-seven women go by, one after another, without there being a tolerable face among them. It had been a frosty morning, to be sure, a sharp frost, which hardly one woman in a thousand could stand the test of."

Mrs. Clay nodded, Sir Walter smiled pleasantly (sort of.)

"If half of those women had used Gowland regularly, there might not be such a multitude of ugly women in Bath. Really, if there weren't so many plain women, Bath would be a very pleasant place in every way."

Sir Walter paused, as if to think.

"Gowland is not gender specific. The men in Bath certainly need it! Such scare-crows as the streets were full of!"

He chuckled. Mrs. Clay tittered.

"Indeed, if they would only buy a jar or two, from our program. That number is 555-VAIN. Call now! One jar of Gowland will do wonders! Even for sailors! For you know the Navy cuts up a man's youth and vigour most horribly; a sailor grows old sooner than any other man; I have observed it all my life. One day last spring, in town I was in the company of two men, striking instances of what I am tallking of-"

"That number is 555-VAIN, get your Gowland today!"

A disembodied voice said. Sir Walter looked rather shocked at being interrupted and was about to say something about the importance of baronets, when the disembodied voice spoke again.

"And staying on the health trend- Our next product is Mr. Woodhouse's gruel!"

"Who is this Mr. Woodhouse to I? SirWalter. Now that sounds extremely well. Very much better than a mere Mr.--; a Mr. (save, perhaps, some half dozen in the nation,) always needs a note of ex-"

"Yes, next up we have Mr. Woodhouse's gruel! Last chance to buy Gowland! That number is 555-VAIN! Call now!"

Sir Walter huffed off, leaving Mrs. Clay to trail behind him, empathetically indignant.