Posted on Wednesday, 3 July 2002, at 12:34 p.m.
"I don't know how you've managed all these years Charlotte, you are much more patient than I should be in your place," said Elizabeth, a touch of pity in her voice. The Darcy's were making a rare visit to Rosings, the highlight for Elizabeth being her walks to the Collins' nearby parsonage to see her friend.
"Actually, I've been quite content with my situation in life, Lizzy," responded Charlotte, pouring tea for them both. "I more or less knew what I was getting into from the beginning, and I don't regret the choices I have made. If I hadn't married Mr. Collins, I am sure I would have ended up living with my oldest brother by now, and you know we never got on well."
"I am sure you would have married elsewhere eventually Charlotte, perhaps a military man..." Elizabeth hinted.
"There is no point in speculating, Lizzy. You know that I had to marry Mr. Collins so you would be thrown in Mr. Darcy's path again. Besides, my marriage was needed to make a very strong point: the consequences of marrying for reasons other than love; She wouldn't have had it any other way."
"But it seems so cruel, to have to go through life with Mr. Collins." Elizabeth shuddered.
"Well, thankfully I was blessed with other gifts to make it bearable."
"Gifts?"
"Yes, acute selective hearing, for instance. I found I am able to filter out most of the nonsense my husband says and just get down to the essentials. After getting rid of the meaningless words, he really says very little -- it is usually the same few phrases over and over again: 'Good morning, dear', 'More sausage, please', 'I agree, Lady Catherine', and 'Charlotte, may we?'"
Elizabeth shuddered at the last one.
"It really isn't that bad, Lizzy," Charlotte confided. "I have only had to accommodate him four times in the first 175 years of our marriage, and I am fortunate to have a VERY vivid imagination. I can transform Mr. Collins into nearly anyone I choose for the extremely short amount of time required. The first time I morphed him into Mr. Bingley, he is so amiable; then -- I hope you don't mind, dear -- I used Mr. Darcy, so tall and wealthy; then Colonel Fitzwilliam, so pleasant and amusing; and then the extremely handsome and well built Hunsford blacksmith, he has the most beautiful hazel eyes...wait, I used him twice, so it must have been five times. Oooo, yuk!"
Elizabeth involuntarily shuddered for a third time while doing some mental arithmetic and found some years lacking.
"Charlotte, you said that was for the first 175 years. I hope I'm not prying, but what happened after that?"
"The computer age, silly," Charlotte said indulgently. Elizabeth nodded her understanding.
"With the coming of the internet and the fan-fiction explosion, I found I had the sympathy of the masses. Hundreds, perhaps thousands have been anxious to save me from what they perceive as a fate worse than death. They want to give me the same happiness in marriage that our creator intended for you and Jane. Some have your sister Mary take my place with Mr. Collins..."
"Leaving you free to be paired with Colonel Fitzwilliam."
"And sometimes Mr. Collins suffers an untimely and usually painful death..."
"Leaving you free to be paired with Colonel Fitzwilliam," giggle Elizabeth.
"You know, Lizzy, it seems whenever I am not matched with Mr. Collins, I am continually matched with Colonel Fitzwilliam."
"The colonel and you do make a nice couple."
"True, but so does the colonel and nearly EVERY young lady."
"Well, we have had a shortage of gentlemen partners from the beginning, you know Charlotte."
"I realize that, Lizzy, but it is still a sore point with me. I don't mind saying this, I don't like sharing my men -- with the exception of Mr. Collins of course, Mary is welcome to him whenever she likes. But if I am paired with a man, I expect him to remain with me exclusively, end of story or no end of story."
"You know that is not possible Charlotte, sometimes not even for me and Wil...Fitzwil...Mr. Darcy."
"Pardon?"
"Oh, my husband. I never know what to call him these days. I prefer to call him William but sometimes he insists that I call him Fitzwilliam, and lately I have heard him muttering something about Ernest. I don't know what's gotten into him."
"Is his cousin still quarreling with him?"
"No, that has finally blown over, thank goodness. I think naming our latest two children after him helped."
"Both are firstborn sons I understand, congratulations by the way. Aren't you expecting again somewhere?"
"Thank you, yes, our first again. Wil...Fitzwil...Mr. Darcy is very nervous about it. He is hoping for a girl this time."
"No doubt with fine eyes."
"No doubt."
"Do you ever have any complaints, Lizzy, wish things would work out differently?"
Elizabeth laughed. "They constantly do, Charlotte." She thought for a moment, then added, "I wish they wouldn't make me cry so much, I'm not that emotionally fragile really, I rarely cried in the book. And I hate constantly misunderstanding my husband and he misunderstanding me, we were made for each other after all ... we are supposed to live HAPPILY ever after." Elizabeth colored as her temper rose. "Sometimes they put Georgiana in relationships that aren't appropriate or that she really isn't ready for. And don't you just hate disappearing post syndrome when it rears it's ugly head -- poor Mary kept losing her letter to Miss Fordyce. And..."
Charlotte laughed, "And you really are not that emotional..."
Elizabeth smiled, "Well, I guess I do have a complaint or two. How about you, Charlotte? Living with Mr. Collins as you do, you must have many."
"No, the only complaint I have left is the one that I have already mentioned."
"You mean the colonel's many partners?"
"It's not just him, it's this whole mix and match thing. Mr. Collins is just as bad, you know -- I believe he has been married to you and all of your sisters at least once..."
Elizabeth cringed and added "...except Kitty, not yet anyway."
"He has even been involved with Miss De Bough's evil twin! Well, never mind about Mr. Collins, he is no longer an issue for me. But as I said before, I don't like sharing my men. Besides showing a lack of constancy, it just isn't very hygienic."
"But it is not as if WE have any control over it. We are put with who ever THEY choose to put us with, and that's the end of it. Thankfully I usually end up with Wil...Fitzwil...Mr. Darcy -- but even that is not sacred." She nerviously looked over her shoulder and added in a whisper, "I was once married to Mr. Wickham!"
"Well, I was made to be a woman who controlled her own destiny, and if there is something in my life that needs improvement, I intend to do just that."
"Think that if it gives you comfort, my dear," Elizabeth said doubtfully, then she startled as she heard a loud banging noise. "What was that?"
"I...we are having an addition put on my husband's bookroom, just a...umm...a closet." Charlotte raised her voice as the banging got louder. "A very large closet."
Elizabeth looked suspiciously at her friend, then shrugged and stood up.
"I have to be going, I promised Georgiana I would help her get ready for tonight. Lady Catherine was put out that Maria and I received so many complements on the duet we sang last night, so to keep the family honor she is insisting that Georgiana and Anne perform a duet for us this evening. She has had them practicing all day." The two friends walked to the door. "Good bye Charlotte, give my love to Maria."
"I will, when she returns from her walk," Charlotte promised. She watched her friend walk down the lane towards Rosings and smiled. If Lizzy knew how much control I do have over things, she would be quite surprised indeed.
Charlotte peeked into her husband's bookroom and asked "How is the work coming, Mr. Smythe?"
"Almost done, Mrs. Collins, just finishing the trim around the door", responded the workman. Mr. Smythe was the handsome Hunsford blacksmith who just happened to do construction work on the side. This was the second modification Mrs. Collins had had him make to the parsonage; with his wife expecting their ninth child, he was happy to get whatever extra work he could.
Charlotte sighed, the first renovation, a special door joining her bedchamber to her husband's, had happily rid her of her husband's unwelcome attentions forever -- she hoped. It was not an ordinary door, but a passageway into a particular fan-fiction story, which Charlotte could visit as she liked from her side. However, if Mr. Collins was in an amorous mood and left his bedchamber through his side of the door, he would fall into his belated part in that story and S.T.U.D. Collins would come out the door into Charlotte's room, where he was welcomed with opened arms. And since that Mr. Collins was an entirely different character than the original Mr. Collins, he belonged exclusively to her. So, as she had mentioned to her friend, Mr. Collins was no longer an issue for her.
This latest renovation, Charlotte hoped, would take care of the other wayward gentleman in her life -- all she needed to do now was wait for the right opportunity, which in fiction is never a very long wait.
A short time later Mr. Smythe finished his work and walked out of the parsonage, just as Colonel Fitzwilliam walked in.
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Collins," he said. "Where is she? Where is the angel I heard singing last night?"
Charlotte rolled her eyes and thought: Get over it -- she's married to your cousin for goodness sake! But aloud she said, "I'm afraid you've missed her, Colonel, she's gone to Rosings."
"Oh." He sounded very disappointed.
"But if you aren't in too much of a hurry, sir, could you help me with something in my husband's bookroom?" Charlotte asked sweetly.
"Of course, madam, lead the way."
Charlotte led him through the new door at the far end of the bookroom. The colonel paused to adjust his eyes to the peculiar light in the room.
"Everything looks...different in here, rather odd," he remarked.
"That's because we are in an illustration," replied Charlotte. "Would you do me a favor, and get into this box, please?" She pointed to a large cardboard box in front of them, which had a rather large tiger sleeping next to it.
"Where is this place, Mrs. Collins?" He stepped back as he spotted the tiger.
"We are in a virtual library, specifically in a Calvin and Hobb's comic strip. Now, into the box, please, Colonel."
"Whatever for?" The colonel was confused, and no longer in a very accommodating mood.
"No special reason, really," said Charlotte slowly, "I...umm...I am just trying to get an idea of size. Yes, I need you as a point of reference to see how big this box really is. Now, can you step in and sit down please."
"Mrs. Collins," he said firmly but kindly, "I am a highly trained member of a crack military unit and have come to the conclusion that you are not being honest with me. You have some ulterior motive for me to get into that box. Now madam, will you please tell me your reasons or I am afraid I will have to leave."
Charlotte sighed; he was being needlessly difficult. "It's nothing really, Colonel, just a cloning machine. I just want you to step in it, for just a moment mind you, so that I can make a copy of you."
"WHAT?"
"Well, it won't be an exact copy, they tend to stutter a bit."
The woman was not making any sense, which was very unusual for Mrs. Collins. Colonel Fitzwilliam tried again.
"What do you mean, a copy?"
"It will make a duplicate of you, so you can go on about your everyday business with whatever maiden catches your fancy, and I will keep a copy of you on hand for the odd occasion that she happens to be me. It won't hurt a bit, and I only want one copy, so it will only take a few seconds..."
"You want to keep a copy of me on hand?" he asked in total disbelief.
"Yes. Is that a problem?"
"Yes it is a problem! It is a very big problem! I don't want another Colonel Fitzwilliam traipsing around pretending to be me! One of me is quite enough, thank you."
"He wouldn't be traipsing around, sir, he would be right here at the parsonage. I have set up the guest room for him and he will be quite comfortable and at home between assignments. You won't even know he is here."
"Yes I would. You can't just go around making duplicates of people, there are laws against that kind of thing, you know. Why would you want to deal with a copy instead of me anyway?" The colonel paused as he realized what Charlotte had been implying. "You don't want to deal with me anymore, do you? Charlotte, what's wrong? What have I done?"
"It's not you per say, Colonel, I just found that I am a very selfish creature, and if I am going to have to deal with you, I would prefer to keep you to myself. Since that is an impossibility in our current situation, this seemed like the most logical solution. I will have my own colonel to play opposite when the need arises and you will be free to fall in love with everybody else. Just think of the times when we should have been together as vacations. While the duplicate is courting me, you can go to Bath and take in the waters or teach an heiress to quail hunt or something until the next storyline pops up for you. It really is for the best, you will see."
"No I do not see; it is not for the best! An heiress you say? That's it, isn't it? You are jealous of the rest, aren't you?"
"No...yes...well, maybe I am. But I wouldn't have a reason to be jealous if you would just get in the #$@# box!"
"I'm sorry, Charlotte. I refuse to be duplicated. I consider myself unique and I intend to stay that way. Now, if you will just tell me where I can find Maria, I will be on my way."
"Maria? I thought you were looking for Elizabeth?"
"Elizabeth? What would I want with her? She's happily married to my cousin Darcy...well, most the time anyway. I told you when I came I was looking for Maria. She sang like an angel last night and I have a sudden urge to get better acquainted with her."
"So you won't get in the box?"
"Sorry, no."
"Pity. My little sister, hmm? Well, I suppose it was only a matter of time. She was taking a walk in the park, you will probably find her on the east side."
"Thank you, Mrs. Collins. And I am sorry I couldn't accommodate you."
"Think nothing of it, Colonel. I will survive -- I always have."
He left. The tiger purred in its sleep and rolled over. Charlotte went to the bookroom window and watched the colonel go. She also saw that Mr. Smythe was coming back up the walk.
"Excuse me, Mrs. Collins, but I left my tool box in the addition," he said as he came back into the house.
"Help yourself, Mr. Smythe," Charlotte answered, still looking out the window.
He went through the addition door and came out again, with his tool box in one hand and a toy stuffed tiger in the other.
"This was on top of my box, ma'am." Charlotte turned around just long enough to look at the toy he was holding.
"It doesn't belong here, Mr. Smythe."
"If it's not wanted here, do you think I could have it for my youngest daughter, Emily?"
"You may have it, I'm sure Emily will love it."
"Thank you, ma'am. A good day, to you."
Charlotte heard the door close and watched the blacksmith make his way up the walk and onto the road to town. She felt a hand rest on her shoulder and reached up to cover it with her own hand.
"He will like Miss Emily," said a soft voice behind her.
"Won't Calvin miss him?" she asked, turning and looking up into the most beautiful hazel eyes.
"No, Miss Emily is getting a c-copy. The real Hobbs is with C-Calvin."
"Oh." They stood watching out the window until the blacksmith was out of sight.
Charlotte sighed again.
"Would you like to see the guest room?" she asked.
PS: References, in order of appearance:
Mrs. Mary Collins can be found in numerous tales, Another Chance by KellyVW being a recent one.
Colonel Fitzwilliam's namesakes can be found in Impulse and Initiative by Abigail R. and Colonel Fitzwilliam Interferes by Lissa.
Miss Fordyce's letter can be found in Dear Miss Fordyce by me. (By the way, no one replied "I get it!" to that one, so guess the reference to a favorite novel which I so cleverly hid in it was not so very clever after all. C'est la vie. If anybody ever does get it, let me know.)
Besides being in our worst nightmares, Mrs. Elizabeth Collins can be found in A Last Chance Marriage by Evangeline and Mr. Collin's Triumph by Lucie, and I am sure a few others that I could not find again.
Mrs. Jane Collins can be found in So Far From Home by Anne A. (MichelleB, thanks for the info!) and in another one that I couldn't find again.
Mrs. Lydia Collins can be found in Circumstances of the Heart by Katherine.
Miss De Bough's evil twin can be found in Bedlam by Bodecia.
Mrs. Elizabeth Wickham can be found in Forbidden Destiny by Tanisha.
S.T.U.D. Collins can be found in The Simply Terrific & Ultimately Disguised (S.T.U.D.) Mr. Collins by Lise.
Calvin and Hobbs belongs to Bill Watterson.
I apologize for all other references that I may have neglected to credit; they are wonderful stories and I am quite obsessed with them. Thank you all for being so creative.
© 2002 Copyright held by the author.