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Chapter 1
Today was another agonizing day, without her. Doesn't she know what turmoil she's causing me? She knows that I love her, and better yet, I know that she returns my affections! Why, why won't she relent?
I can still vividly recall the last time I held her in my embrace. The whole world faded away and nothing else mattered but us. Oh! To relive that day once more!
As vividly as that memory is, another one is yet more powerful. The day she told me that we could never be. I begged, pleaded with her, but she stood firm. She said that it was for the best and that I should move on with my life, that I should marry someone else. Funny thing is, that is one of the many reasons why she's so endearing to me. It seems she is incapable of being accommodating. She said that she only had my best interest at heart, that it wouldn't work. Like I care! All I want is her, and she knows it.
That is how I ended up in this marriage. Don't get me wrong, I respect my wife as much as any honourable man, but I don't love her. I never could. I know, you're probably thinking that I should be ashamed of myself, but let me defend myself. My wife married me knowing, full well that I didn't love her, and I knowing that she didn't love me. It was a marriage of convenience rather than love.
You ask what I had to gain from marrying my wife? Well, I'll tell you. First of all, my wife has a somewhat large dowry that would prove to be very useful. Secondly, which I may say, most importantly, I figured that marrying my wife would make my true love jealous. Seeing us on a daily basis and knowing that I belonged to another. Every time I see her, I can see the pain in her eyes. How could I have been so stupid? Seeing her in pain does no good to either of us. Only if I hadn't listened to her, told her I would only be happy with her, I wouldn't be in this mess, and neither would she. Oh Catherine!
"Mr. Collins, the carriage carrying Father, Maria, and Lizzy has arrived."
"Come Charlotte, let us go greet our guests."
Chapter 2
William Collins...the man who haunts all my dreams...the man who I always think about every waking moment. We could have been, but no. I had to tell him that it would never work. Society would frown upon our union. His connections...what connections? He has none. None that I would wish to pursue. Most importantly there is Anne. She would not be able to bear the idea of myself marrying my dear William. Her father is still too fresh in her mind, in her heart. Having another man replace him would do her no good. She would not be able to accept it.
To you, I might sound like I do not love William, but I have to tell you otherwise. I do love him, with all my heart. As much as it hurts not to be able to be close to him, to marry him, and have to see him with another woman, it was for the best. The other woman. Charlotte Lucas Collins. It pains me to see them together day after day. I'm at the point to where I can not bear to see them here at Rosings. Luckily I did not have to do anything rash. William's father-in-law, sister-in-law, and cousin are visiting him from Hertfordshire. I won't have to see him for the next couple of days since he has to entertain his guests. This time away from each other can only do us good.
I might sound like I regret not marrying my dearest when I had the chance...deep down I do, but then again I am glad I did not. You know my reasons for not marrying him. You ask why love could not conquer all these objections? Love can not rise above anything in this day and age. As strong as love may be, ridicule is even stronger. It is all for the best.
My only consolation is that Darcy and Fitzwilliam are coming to visit me. At last will I have Anne married and settled in as the mistress of Pemberley! The day these two estates merge, as one will be one of the happiest. Maybe I should just give up on the idea of their union. Each side has no affection for the other. No! I can't allow that to happen! They must marry! They will marry!
So this is what the great Lady Catherine de Bourgh has been reduced too? An officious matchmaker? But I was forced to do it. Lewis wanted Anne to marry someone of esteem and who better than Darcy? Yes, it is all for the best. Maybe it will help me keep my mind at ease for the time being.
Chapter 3
Mother thinks that I don't know about her and that odious clergyman, but I do. I've known since the very beginning of their liaison. They figure themselves clever at how they've been able to conceal their secret from the world. I can't wait to see the looks on their faces when I tell them I know everything.
Life has its small rewards, and blackmail is one of them. Soon I will be rid of Mother and I can live in peace! Peace. Peace is a funny thing. It always seems out of reach and when you think you're about to grasp it, it is wrenched further away from you. No more will I endure this. I am seizing life by its reins and taking charge. The old helpless, sickly Anne you once knew is gone. I now stand before you as a woman heading towards liberation from the restraints and woes my family, namely Mother, and society have set against myself.
Before I get carried away, you are probably wondering why the noble Anne de Bourgh is clearly on her way to becoming a vindictive shrew. Ever since I came into this world, Mother has insisted that I marry Cousin Darcy. As much as I like him, I could never be happy with him. I know he feels the same. Our mutual regard for one another is that of siblings. We could never marry! The awkwardness of the whole situation would take over and we would grow to despise one another.
If only Father were still alive. He would be able to keep things under control. What was Mother thinking in aligning herself with that toad?
I miss how Father would always protect me from Mothers eccentric ideas. I miss how he used to always have a kind word to say to me and how he used to read me stories before I went to sleep. Most of all, I miss him. Why? Why did you have to leave me Father?
I sometimes wonder whatever possessed my Father to marry Mother. Was it because of her supposed beauty? Or was it she had wealth? But my ponderings have all come to naught! Not a single reasonable idea has come to me! Father could have easily made a better alliance. Mother never deserved him, even if she fancies that she did.
"Anne, I wish to speak to you in the gardens. Go to your room and dress yourself appropriately. I would not want you to be stricken with a cold during Darcys and Fitzwilliams visit."
Deciding that my best road of action at the moment would to play along, I demurely nodded my head and left the sitting room with Mrs. Jenkinson following closely behind me. Soon I will have everything I want. Rosings to myself, peace, and best of all, my one true love, Fitzwilliam.
Chapter 4
William thinks he's clever! He's far from it! To think he could hide a secret that huge from me? If we were never in the others company, it would be different, but when he goes to visit her, I have to as well. Flaunting his beloved in front of me! At first it didn't bother me, but to endure it time and time again!
I constantly wonder what possessed me to marry him! Surely being a spinster wouldn't have been all that bad. Many women before me were fated such and they lived happy lives. So what if society deemed such a lifestyle unpleasant? Everyone has to choose the life for them and I fear I chose the wrong one. If I only listened to Lizzy when she tried to reason with me! I told her why should it be so surprising! That I wasn't a romantic! The only thing I cared about was that he could provide me a comfortable home, connections, and a good situation in life! That I had convinced myself that my chance of happiness with him was as fair as most people could boast on entering the Marriage State! What I fool I was!
And now I have to use a facade of self-contentment! To be forced to lie to the ones I hold dear the most! This is insufferable! I shouldn't have to be forced to deal with this! I guess I'm wrong there. I do have to deal with this.
If I had only married Mr. Winthrop when I had the chance. But no, that could have never happened. Father didn't approve me marrying a carpenter. He told me that a knight's daughter deserved far better! Far better! I seriously wonder if he considers this as far better!
I should have run away to Gretna Green with him when he asked me to. No! I had to let my loyalty to my family get in the way! I would have disgraced them with such an unceremonious, selfish act. But is love really selfish? And what of my Father? If you ask me, he's the only selfish party in this particular case. He never truly cared about our family, only his own self interests.
I have been getting the feeling that Miss de Bourgh knows something about the affair between William and her Mother. I think I might just have to have a little private chat with her. I know she is far more capable than her Lady Catherine makes her out to be. I've seen the glint in her eyes. I know she wants nothing but to be rid of her. And who could blame her? To always be controlled like an everyday mannequin and to always be fussed about! I'm surprised the girl hasn't cracked! But then I'm reminded of the glint that I mentioned before. It holds a crazed fury. One that couldn't be detected easily, but when you're in my position and don't want to witness the secret, longing, loving glances the lovers give the other, then you'd be surprised how much you would notice about your surroundings.
I shouldn't be thinking about this right now! I should be paying attention to our guests! It wouldn't do if Lizzy were to observe a change in my demeanour. I'll just have to save my planning until tonight when I'm alone. Hopefully, I'll find an ally and accomplice in Miss de Bourgh.