The Best Part of Waking Up is With Soldiers in Your Cup!
Posted on Sunday, 14 July 2002, at 3:13 p.m.
It was an early Saturday morning. The sun was out and the birds were singing, but this didn't help calm a very angry dwiggie.
As Tabbi drug her tired and irate form to the kitchen, she muttered, "Twelve wrong numbers my arse. Stupid prank calling brats. Haven't they ever heard of Caller ID? Come four tomorrow morning, I'm getting revenge!"
Rummaging through the cabinets and fridge, Tabbi decided it was too early to set the house on fire so she went with the safest thing she had. Grabbing a bowl, a spoon, milk, and the boxes of Trix, Lucky Charms, and Cocoa Puffs, she began to assemble her breakfast.
"A little bit of Trix to keep me cunning, a little bit of Lucky Charms to keep me lucky, and a lot of Cocoa Puffs to keep me hyper!" Grinning at her concoction, she poured the milk and took her breakfast to the living room. Sitting the bowl on a table, she plopped down on the couch, grabbed the remote, and began flipping through the channels. Spotting the Powerpuff Girls beating the pulp out of some monkey, she grabbed her bowl and merrily ate her breakfast.
"And the day is saved, thanks to the Powerpuff Girls!"
Sighing, Tabbi picked up the remote and was about to change the channel until a commercial came on and caught her attention.
"Introducing Austen's Soldiers, the latest way to wake up in the morning! Each cup refreshingly brings light to your day. Our flavors range from Mocha Fitzwilliam to Hazelnut Brandon. Don't wait! Go and buy some today! The best part of waking up is with soldiers in your cup!"
The Instigator of Doom and Gloom, or commonly known as Tabbi, couldn't believe it. Someone had created Austen's Soldiers! And one of the flavors was Mocha Fitzwilliam! It was too good to be true!
Running to her bedroom, she quickly got changed, and was out the door in two minutes flat. Jumping into her car, she pulled out of the driveway and sped to the store like a bat from hell.
Pulling into the parking lot, she cursed when she saw the lot full. The only available spot left was a handicapped only space. Without thinking twice, she parked in the space, got out of the car, and began to drag her left leg, in a pathetic attempt to make it look limp.
Once she entered the store, she ran, nearly colliding with everyone in her path, to the coffee aisle. She nearly fainted when she saw how ransacked it was. Running up and down the aisle, she desperately searched for Austen's Soldiers.
When she was about to give up, she finally spotted it half hidden behind a box of tea. Throwing the tea behind her, she nearly screamed when she saw the only flavor left was Vanilla Wickham.
With one last frantic attempt, she began shoving the boxes of Vanilla Wickham out of the way until she saw it. In the very back was the last box of Mocha Fitzwilliam. Picking up the box, she ran to the register to pay for what she assumed was going to be a very enjoyable sensation.
Skipping into her kitchen, Tabbi took out her flavored coffee and read the directions on the box.
Directions: Pour boiling water over Austen's Soldiers bag in a cup and steep for 1 to 2 minutes.
Warning: Only make between the times of 6 A.M. and 9 A.M. Any other time is at your own risk.
Reading the warning, Tabbi almost fell to the ground laughing. "Those guys in the marketing department. I think they've finally lost it." Shaking her head, she filled a teakettle with water, placed it on the stove, and waited for the water to heat. She paced in anticipation, waiting for an intense culinary experience.
The kettle began to whistle, letting Her Evil Highness know that the water was hot. Jumping up and down, she sprinted to the stove and filled a mug with the hot water. Remembering about the warning, she looked at the microwave clock to see that it was 10:18. Laughing at her own foolishness, she ripped open the Austens Soldier's box and took one of the bags. Humming, she placed the bag in the mug and began to steep it for the intended time.
Smiling to herself, she walked to the cupboard to retrieve her favorite cookies. She nearly screamed when she heard a loud, "Help me!" Thinking that the voice was a figment of her imagination, which is better known as insanity, she ignored it. Grabbing her steamy mug, she slowly brought it up to her lips to take a drink, but when I'm writing, nothing good can ever come. Her eyes glanced down at the creamy liquid to only see the reflection of Colonel Richard Fitzwilliam!
Sitting the cup down instantly, she took a deep breath and calmly told herself, "No. My mind is playing tricks on me. It must have been the light and the steam. Yeah. That was it. It was nothing but the crappy fluorescent lighting and the steam."
Thinking herself as being nothing but a sleep deprived dwiggie, she shook her head in an attempt to gain a semblance of sense and grabbed the mug once again. Slowly bringing the liquid into her line of view, she couldn't believe what she saw. The image of her Colonel Hot Pants was still there! But on the desirable side, he was seductively grinning at her as he only could!
The image of the Stud Muffin went from seductive to horrified when he saw that this dwiggie was ready to drool into his cup! Putting a stop to such a violation, he yelled, "Madam, please restrain yourself from drooling in this cup while I'm present in it!"
Sheepishly grinning, Tabbi replied, "Sorry. Couldn't help myself. It's a natural response. You know, sort of like breathing." She almost lost herself as she ogled the contents of her cup when a question came to mind. "As much as I like to have you in a hand held version, I was wondering how this happened."
"I'm not exactly sure myself. The last thing I remember, I was sitting at Rosings, listening to my Aunt criticize the very lovely Elizabeth Bennet. All of the sudden, I felt dizzy, I'm positive I passed out, and now I find myself inside your cup. And the worst thing is, I'm in liquid form!"
Grinning, Tabbi shouted, "I have the answer to your liquid problem!" Gently sitting the mug on the counter, she ran out of the room and returned not an instant later carrying a block of wood and a whittling knife. Using the skills that her aunts, cousins, boyfriends, sisters, friends, great grandmothers, second cousins twice removed, nephews, neighbors, husband had taught her, she diligently whittled an exact mold of the Colonel. Carefully pouring the contents of the mug into said mold, she placed it in the freezer and hoped that this procedure wouldn't kill her beloved. But if it did, at least she would have a tasty treat in the next few hours.
The entire time the Colonel was in the freezer, Tabbi heard screams along the lines of, "Get me the hell out of here! What are you trying to do? Are you crazy?" Ignoring the various shouts, she lazily sat in the living room watching TV.
After watching a five hour marathon of the Drew Carey Show, Tabbi decided that she should check on Colonel Hot, er, that is, Colonel Frozen Pants. She began to get worried when she didn't hear the angry shouts. Warily walking up to the freezer, she cautiously opened the freezer door to reveal a frozen, shivering Colonel. Grabbing her beloved and the mold in haste, she placed them on the counter and ran from the room. Making a grand reentrance into the kitchen by sliding all over the place, she dropped an ancient, fifty-pound book on the floor. In bright gold lettering, the cover of the book said The Ways of the Dwiggie. Wasting no time, Tabbi carelessly tore through the book, looking for a certain page. Punching her fist in the air, she quickly read the page and jumped up. Taking the lickable stud out of his mold, she placed him in the center of the room and began to use the magic that all dwiggies possess.
Circling around the slowly melting, mini Colonel, she waved her arms in the air. She went faster and faster until she suddenly stopped in front of him, began clucking like a chicken, and smacked him with a Death Match tortilla. Rapidly, the Colonel began to grow and change from flavored coffee to his human form.
Blinking in confusion, Colonel Hot Loins looked down and saw that he was normal again. Without thinking twice, he grabbed Tabbi and gratefully kissed her.
"Mmmmm...mocha," was the only reply she made.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!"
Grinning, she replied, "No, thank you."
Giving her an appealing lopsided grin, he sheepishly said, "Sorry about that. I kind of got caught up in the moment."
Reaching a mutual understanding, they stood quiet, too wrapped up in their own thoughts to speak. Nevertheless, with me writing this tale of flavored coffee gone wrong, the events to come hold no guarantees to sense, logic, or a very happy ending for the heroine in this tale.
Still thinking to themselves, an idea came to the Colonel. "Pray, could you tell me what sort of technology this modern world possesses?" Grabbing his hand, the leading lady of this account dragged him towards her computer and showed him the exciting world of the Internet.
After an hour and a half of surfing the web, Colonel Stud Muffin learned all that there was to know about all the technological capabilities of today's modern world. Being a very fast study had always been one his many skills and he used his skills to his advantage.
A plan began to form in his head. With everything he had just learned and with his military knowledge, he would be able to take over the DWG and then the world! An evil smirk began to spread across his face. With the help of the other evil resurrected Austen characters, no one would be able to stand in their way!
Now, you are probably wondering how the evil double of our beloved Colonel Hot Pants knows that there are other said evil doubles and how any double of Fitzie Pie could possibly be evil. The only answer I can give you is that it is a truth universally acknowledged that all evil doubles have a psychic link to one another and when a double is formed from flavored coffee, they tend to turn evil. You can blame it on the money hungry, blood-sucking lawyers that represent Maxwell House.
Tabbi was no stranger to evil smirks and as soon as she saw the one on the Colonel, she knew something was up. The only thing she could do was silently think, 'What are you up to?'
Using the heightened senses he acquired from being in the military, Richard turned his eyes ever so slightly so Tabbi wouldn't notice. It was confirmed. From what he saw out of the corner of his eye, the Ruler of the Under World had a peculiar, suspicious look plastered on her face. 'D*** it! She's on to me. I need to distract her.' Turning to face her, he used his secret weapon. He aimed his most charming smile at her!
Grinning like an idiot, Tabbi let all her defenses down and was left wide open for attack. Smirking ever so slightly, he leaned closer to his unsuspecting prey, pretending he was going to kiss her. Just as he was about to make his move, the Queen of Kung Fu leapt into action. She swiftly grabbed his arm and tossed him like a rag doll, causing him to crash into a chair. Crack! Running, she expertly maneuvered a cart wheel-back hand spring-back flip series, with her foot coming into contact with her opponent's jaw. Pow! Making a perfect landing, she balled up her fist and punched him in his gut. Wham! Grabbing him by the lapels, she threw him to the ground. Crash!
Walking slowly to the pulp beaten, groaning Colonel, Tabbi slowly knelt down next to him. "You know, you really brought this on yourself."
With a shaky, weak voice he asked, "H-o-ow di-id you kno-ow?"
"Easy. I'm a dwiggie and the writer of this story is on my side." Slowly drawing out a bottle of tequila, she opened the lid and poured the liquid into him. His eyes went wide with shock when he realized what she was doing.
After a moment, Colonel Loin Cloth turned into a pile of goo, but not before he said, "This is not over with yet." Getting up from the floor, the Loser's (formerly known as Satan) Spawn got ready for what she knew would come.
The DWG was in an uproar. Evil doubles were causing riots while the dwiggies were left defenseless. Caught off guard, they weren't able to decide if they should help the clones or fight them. Sadly, the alter egos were smart and fast. They had no problem in using their charm to capture the swooning women. I know. You think that there was a glimmer of hope due to the male dwiggies. Unfortunately, the look-alikes turned the women against them. They never had a chance.
After securing the DWG, a figure clad in black stepped out of the shadows. The air about him made one assume correctly that he was the leader of this entire evil plot. The doubles cheered when the figure stepped onto the stage to give a speech.
"We have worked hard my friends. After years of training and preparing, we finally took control of this place of torture. We had to endure years of torment at the hands of these vile dwiggies. No more. Today is our liberation and our freedom!" The crowd up roared with applause.
From high above in the raptors, Tabbi watched the scene unfold. Standing to the side, watching her comrades being captured was one of the hardest things she had to witness, but she couldn't risk getting caught.
She couldn't believe her eyes when she saw who the leader was. Deciding not to wait and go into action she readied the rope and repelled to the stage. As soon as her feet touched the ground, the Queen of Kung Fu went into action. Maneuvering a spin kick, she grinned when her opponent winced in pain. "I should have known you were behind all of this Wickham." Her eyes grew dark with anger when he devilishly smirked at her. Taking a fighting stance once again, she shouted, "No one messes with the heart of a dwiggie. In name of the DWG, I'm gonna kick your a**!"
"Think again," he smirked. "You're outnumbered. There's no way you can take us all on."
"But I don't plan on taking you all on. Just you." Taking out what looked to be a remote control, she pressed a button and out of no where dropped a giant vacuum attached to a giant blender!
Rolling his eyes, Wickham spat "Is this supposed to scare me?"
"Actually, it should scare the clones. I'm what you should be afraid of." Flicking a switch on the remote, the vacuum turned and began sucking up all the doubles. In no time, they were all in the blender.
Wickhams eyes went wide with horror when the Destroyer of all that is Good and Right evilly grinned. "You wouldn't dare! They're the soldiers you've come to love and cherish!"
"Correction, I would do it. They're just coffee." Pressing the third and final button, the blender turned on. The doubles shrieked in terror as they were being blended. In no time, the only thing left of the clones was the flavored coffee form they were first in.
Clenching and unclenching his fists, Wickhams eyes narrowed and spoke with a dangerously deadly voice. "You'll regret you did that."
"Regret this!" Running up to the playboy, she began to mercilessly attack him. However, she was surprised that he was able to counter everything she threw at him.
"Is that the best you got?"
"You know what they say. I'm saving the best for last." Reaching down, she tore off her shoe and chucked it at his head. Being unprepared for a move like that, he wasn't able to block it before it hit. Using his confused state to her advantage, she took out her weapon of choice, Collins in a mesh thong. The horror rose on his face when he realized what was going on. Screaming on the top of his lungs, he tried to escape to only end up laying on the ground with Collins sitting on top of him.
"Ahhhhhhhhhh!!! Get him off of me!!! Get him off of me!!!"
"Save it Wickham. You're going to be laying there like that for a while." He visibly paled when he heard this.
The dwiggies cheered when Tabbi was able to finally pick the lock and set them free. They all thought of revenge, but vengeance soon left their minds when they saw the horror on Wickham's face when Collins started to make kissy faces towards him. Having Collins on top of you, wearing only a mesh thong, and thinking perverted thoughts was punishment enough, for the time being at least. They would put him in the DWG Jail, eventually.
And now you've reached the end of this tale. The moral of this story you ask. Well, it's quiet simple. Never buy any product that's a cheap, but tantalizing, imitation. *receives frowns* OK, OK! The real lesson learned is that you never mess with a dwiggie. And you never cross the Instigator of Gloom and Doom, Her Evil Highness, Ruler of the Under World, the Queen of Kung Fu, the Loser's (formerly known as Satan) Spawn, the Destroyer of all that is Good and Right, the One, the Only, Tabbi.