Posted on Sunday, 13 July 2003
It is a truth not yet universally acknowledged by record producers that the general public in possession of good hearing must be in want of excellent music to buy. Such producers, driven by misplaced confidence in out-of-touch market research, insist on inflicting bare-bellied teenagers with foul mouths and fouler vocal chords on listeners who simply yawn and find it simpler to download the occasional gem on their computers rather than go dumpster diving through record stores for a CD worth buying.
Some bright network executives saw the light, however. That is, the light radiated from the potential gold mine that could be made by actually allowing people to choose their own pop stars. And so was born the instant darling of television, "Legends for Today".
The plot was simple: A panel of celebrity judges chose twelve (hopefully) talented singers from the thousands of hopefuls who auditioned. Then the public was allowed to call and vote for their favorites, eliminating one contestant each week. The winner would receive a recording contract. The show was produced by Bill Collins, a plaid-jacketed fellow with a nose for which sleaze had the most market potential, for which talent his network bosses tolerated him. Ryan Fitzwilliam, a hip pretty boy with a seemingly unstoppable mouth, landed the job of host. And then there were the judges: An ex-boy-bander from the early nineties, Charlie Bing, who would find it difficult to criticize a sandwich made of shoe leather; an aging R&B diva known for decades as Lady Cat; and an ever-grumpy record producer named William Darcy.
The first season introduced this marriage of the classic talent show and the faddish reality show to a viewing audience of millions. The contestants were spectacularly, well, unspectacular, most of them fitting the stereotypical image of turn-of-the-century American pop stars with all looks and no talent. The notable exception was Marianne Dashwood, a petite blonde with looks to rival Britney and a voice to rival Whitney in her better days. Marianne won the contest handily, leaving few fans to mourn for her less talented opponents. She then cemented her place in the fickle halls of celebrity fame by her surprising marriage to Chris Brandon, an action-hero movie star twenty years her senior.
With solid ratings and a solid following for the distinctive personalities of the hosts and the judges, "Legends for Today" moved into its second season. The early favorite was Juan Ilobe, who to all appearances was unstoppable with his Latin looks and smooth dance moves. The judges were unanimous in their praise of Juan, all but giving him the title before the competition was half over. Juan indeed went on to win the competition, but not the stardom. That honor belonged to the runner-up, self-proclaimed geek Henry Tilney, an unlikely heartthrob whose voice entranced everyone and whose wit was a thorn in William Darcy's side. Controversy filled the airwaves when Henry lost to Juan by a narrow margin, with angry fans vowing to vote with their dollars. And so they did, causing Tilney to attain both platinum and Grammy-winner status in the first year of his career.
The ratings for the Tilney-Ilobe showdown were so great that media experts, sensing that "Legends for Today" had reached its peak, predicted a downward turn for the show's third season. But the audition rounds showed that more people were watching than ever, and so the show moved on until there were again twelve finalists.
Elizabeth "Lizzy" Bennet crossed the threshold of the Los Angeles mansion and let her suitcase fall to the floor. She looked around, appraising her surroundings. From the "oohs" and "aahs" she heard, her housemates were thoroughly impressed, more so than Lizzy, whose experience of babysitting in luxurious Nashville homes were not such a distant memory. And quite possibly I'll be back there soon enough, she reminded herself. Don't unpack yet, girl. One of you is going home in two days.
The girls' wing of the house would be crowded. Previous years had seen an even balance of male and female finalists, but this year there were eight girls and four guys. Cynical minds such as Lizzy's wondered if this was planned to allow for a greater chance of a female winner. Her opinion was strengthened by the unimpressive talent of the male contestants. Gil Hurst had a smooth voice, but appeared so lethargic that Lizzy wondered if he would fall asleep on stage. Ed Ferrars was equally lacking in stage presence. Frank Churchill and George Wickham, representing the country genre, apparently made it into the final twelve on looks alone, though the media already was charitably comparing them to Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw. Lizzy had heard better country singers in almost every bookstore or coffee shop in Nashville.
The girls, however, represented stiff competition in both image and talent. Lydia Baines was probably the worst singer with her sheep-like vibrato, but her onstage costumes might get votes from guys who were watching with the sound off. Jane Fairfax was the greatest threat that Lizzy could determine. She had classical voice training, yet could change her voice to fit any style. She also bore a strong resemblance to Halle Berry, which didn't bode well in Lizzy's mind. She shook her head, remembering her own audition before the "Trio of Terror".
"That was really nice," said Charlie Bing. "Your voice has this really cool, um, fragrance to it."
"Bing, I think your Prozac is making you synesthetic," said William Darcy. "Lizzy, you don't look like a pop star."
She smiled. "Thank you."
"It wasn't a compliment. You have weird hair and you need to lose a few pounds."
Lizzy rolled her eyes. She could live without this audition, but she rarely let a chance to speak her mind pass her by. "I am 5'5" and weigh 130 pounds. No doctor in their right mind would call me overweight. My hair probably looks like I've been sleeping outside for two nights, which I have. And I thought you said this was a singing competition."
Lady Cat spoke for the first time. "Girl, you've got some attitude for being a little miss nobody. Better let her through, guys. She's got a mouth on her, but we haven't heard any better voices today. Music City? I don't think so."
Darcy shrugged and gave Lizzy the magic ticket to the next round of auditions.
Lizzy's musings were interrupted by a nervous giggle at her side. She turned to see Catie Morland looking down at her with puppy-dog eyes. She was tall, at least 5'9”, with a face that could be stunning or plain depending on lighting and make-up. A stylist's dream, in other words. "Lizzy, can you be my roommate, please? My mom made me promise I'd stay with someone who's mature and not a party girl."
Lizzy struggled to contain her laughter. "Thank you - I think," she said wryly. "That's fine with me. Some of the other girls have already chosen roommates, and I'd rather not stay with a party girl myself. But don't expect me to be your babysitter, got it?"
Catie shook her head vehemently. "No way! You don't know how glad I am I had my birthday last week. Otherwise my mom would have had to stay in the house with me, and that would be just so embarrassing!"
Lizzy deduced from this that Catie had just turned eighteen. From her own vantage point of twenty-three, Catie seemed infinitely young. Was I ever that young? she wondered as she picked up her suitcase and followed her new roommate to their home for the next (if they were lucky) ten weeks.
An hour later, a frazzled Lizzy found her way to on of the other three rooms designated for the female finalists. Charlotte Lucas let her in. "What's wrong with you?" Charlotte asked on seeing Lizzy's worn expression. Charlotte, Lizzy, and Emma Woodhouse had quickly become friends during the first elimination round a few weeks before.
"Roommate troubles," Lizzy sighed.
"Already? Sweet little Catie's giving you trouble?" Emma looked shocked. "Now I could understand if you'd got stuck with Lydia Baines. I mean, that's almost enough to make me feel sorry for Jane Fairfax. But not quite. Anyway, what's up with Catie?"
Lizzy smiled. As much as she could see that Catie was going to drive her crazy, she had inherited from her dad a strong appreciation for absurdity. And this would be fun to tell. "You know who Henry Tilney is, right?"
The young women nodded. All the "Legends" finalists knew who the previous winners and runners-up of the contest were. Lizzy went on. "Okay, ask me something about him. Anything." Seeing their confusion, she went on. "As of the past hour, I am the possessor of every bit of knowledge there is to be had about the guy - how many records he's sold, his shoe size, every female he's ever escorted to a public function, his favorite animals, what car he drove before and after he became famous. Catie is a walking encyclopedia on the life and career of Henry Tilney. Most of all, I have been enlightened that the real proof of William Darcy's absolute evil is his complete lack of musical taste that he showed by cutting down Tilney and constantly promoting Juan Ilobe to win the title. She educates me on all this while setting up her stereo to play the Tilney CD, putting his posters on the wall, and opening her laptop to plug into the Internet and read the Henry Tilney fan group message boards." Lizzy had now completely moved from a state of exasperation to one of hysterical laughter.
Emma was no better off, having sunk to the floor in near tears. "She's a fangirl! I never thought I'd meet another one!"
"Another one?" Charlotte asked.
"My sister - she's thirty, married with two kids, and she's obsessed. Her only response when I made it to the top twelve, and I quote: 'Do you think this means you'll get to meet Henry?' No mention of what this show means to my career. She's got my dad hooked, too. Dad says that the voice is music to his soul. I tell you, when Tilney lost, I went on a road trip for three days because I didn't want to hear the whining from my family."
“Catie knows she's not allowed to post on the Internet, right?” asked Charlotte, ever the practical one.
“Oh, believe me, she has that all figured out,” Lizzy assured them. "Before we got our gag orders from the producers, she let all her little Tilneyite friends know she was going to be on the show, and promised to give them some sort of signal so they'd know who to vote for.”
Emma nodded. “That would explain how Catie beat out Isabella Thorpe in the Group One semifinals. I thought Isabella was a sure thing. Not that I'm complaining. This place would be unbearable with Isabella here. It's bad enough that we have to deal with Caroline, Lydia, and Jane.”
Lizzy and Charlotte looked at each other and raised their eyebrows. They could identify with Emma's animosity toward Lydia and Caroline. Caroline Bingley was loud and pushy, caring more about being in front of the camera than about singing, and already proving herself willing to do whatever was necessary for more camera time. She nearly caused Jenna Benay bodily harm when shoving her out of the way in order to get Ryan Fitzwilliam to notice her. Poor Jenna was Charlie Bing's wild-card choice for the finals. She was pretty with a beautiful voice, but had a completely forgettable personality, the kiss of death in the entertainment business. The judges overlooked her when determining the semi-finalists, and only by luck was she brought back for the wild card round.
However, Emma's dislike for Jane Fairfax could only be attributed to the green-eyed monster. Emma had already told them that she and Jane went to high school together. She claimed that Jane was a snob, but the other girls also noticed that the stories always involved Jane getting a solo or musical role that Emma should have received.
Charlotte looked at her watch. “Girls, we've got to be ready to leave for the studio in thirty minutes.”
Lizzy stood up, pulling a scrunchy from her pocket to tie back her waist-length hair. “Okay, it's back to the Tilney shrine for me. I'll keep you updated.”
Emma made a face. “No, really, that's okay,” she said before bursting into laughter again.
Notes:
1.) Though some of Darcy's lines are quotes from Slimon himself, I promise that Darcy will turn out nicer.
2.) For those of you unfamiliar with the format, the audition process is as follows: A.) Cattle call auditions in various cities, judges decide. B.) Group auditions in LA, the field is narrowed to 32, again, judges decide. C.) Semifinalists compete in groups of eight, viewers choose two finalists from each group. D.) Wildcard contestants get a second chance, each judge chooses a finalist and the viewers choose one.
3.) Wait a minute, all of you are unfamiliar with the format, because this show is purely fictional. ;-)
4.) Summary of characters: Producer -- Bill Collins; Judges -- Lady Cat, Charles Bing, William Darcy; Host -- Ryan Fitzwilliam; Contestants -- Ed Ferrars, George Wickham, Frank Churchill, Gil Hurst, Caroline Bingley, Charlotte Lucas, Jane Fairfax, Elizabeth Bennet, Lydia Baines, Jenna Benay, Emma Woodhouse, Catie Moreland; Previous contestants -- Marianne Dashwood, Juan Ilobe, Henry Tilney.
5.) Yes, I'm poking fun at Clay Aiken fans. I can do that, I am one.