Posted on Saturday, 31 May 2003, at 9:37 a.m.

Chapter the First

Wilhemina was the Second daughter of Four daughters and no sons of Edgar and Elfrida, a Couple of modest Means in a town called M------ in H-----shire. Her mother was of noble Birth, being a near relation of the Marquis of ------'s second Scullery maid. Her father was not, being the second son of an Earl.

Chapter the Second

When Wilhemina reached the 16th year of her Life, her sister Janet decided to change her Name to Elizabeth, because, as Elfrida told her Children, "It is a Truth universally acknowledged that Men do not appreciate Ugly Names". Elizabeth's younger Sister, whose Name was Mary, consulted Fordyce's Sermons, and approved. Her next Youngest Sisters, who were called Lydia and Kitty, clapped their Hands in Joy. Edgar went to his Cups in the Library.

Chapter the Third

One day, Elizabeth decided to go for a Walk, for she was particularly Fond of such Exercise. On her way to Oakham Mount, she saw two men riding Horses. "Would it not be a great Lark if I could not Marry one of them?" she Cried, because she was also Fond of annoying her Mother. Elfrida knew that her daughters must marry very Wealthy men, or else they must be Turned out in the Hedgerows, and then what Shall they do? Elizabeth eventually decided to Ignore the Gentlemen.

Chapter the Fourth

That night Elizabeth and her Sisters went to a Ball, where she found again the two Gentlemen. Everyone wanted to Dance with them, but Elizabeth stuck her Nose in the Air and Said disdainfully, "He is Tolerable, I suppose, but too Proud to Tempt me, and I am always Right." Janet smiled, and Elfrida felt that she must Groan in Misery.

Chapter the Fifth

Two nights later there was a Knock at Elizabeth's door. She opened it to Reveal the two Gentlemen, looking very Wet indeed. They came inside and told a Thrilling tale of being Lost in the Wood, during a great Rainstorm. "There are no Woods here!" Cried Elizabeth. "Indeed there are!" Cried the second Gentleman, who thought Elizabeth had quite a Fine set of Fingernails. "You are Wrong!" Pouted Elizabeth. The second Gentleman said Nothing, for he was deciding how to properly Ask her a very important Question.

Chapter the Sixth

"How do you Clean your Nails, madam, for they are very Clean indeed." He said. "I use Soap." She said, and went Away. The second Gentleman was disappointed, but his Freind was Happy, because Janet had agreed to Marry him.

Chapter the Seventh

Janet and Elfrida planned the Wedding while Elizabeth cried. When they asked her Why, she replied Mournfully, "I love Him."
"God?"
"No, the Gentleman."

Chapter the Eighth

As a Present to her Sisters, Janet bought Bonnets for them all in London, against the express wishes of her Sister-In-Law-To-Be, whom many people thought resembled an orange Duck.

Chapter the Ninth

Meanwhile, Elizabeth, along with some Wealthy Neighbors, went to Bath and liked it. She met a Gentleman there who liked Muslin very much, and went for a Carriage ride with a Man who was known as a Rake.

Chapter the Tenth

Elizabeth did not forget the second Gentleman, whom she still Loved. So she went to his home in D----shire. While she was there, she met another Man who told her that her Gentleman was very Bad indeed. She refused to Believe in something she did not See, and told the Man to go Away.

Chapter the Eleventh

She came home, and Elfrida slapped her because she did not find a Husband like her sister Lydia, who went to be Married in Brighton to a Man by the Name of Benwick. He was an Officer at Sea, who drowned . . . in his Cups. Lydia did not cry, but she Followed a Rake to the town of Highbury, where she Married a Minister by the name of Elton.

Chapter the Twelfth

A grand old Woman came to Elizabeth's home, and she was Angry. "Why do you wish to Marry my Nephew?" she Cried. "I do not Know who you Are." Elizabeth retorted. "Why, that is Insupportable! Do you not realize that I am your Father?" "But You are a Woman!" "I am the Patroness of Reverend Edward Ferrars!" Elizabeth decided that Now was a good time to Faint.

Chapter the Thirteenth

Meanwhile, there was a great War going on, in which many Wayward women were led Astray by Rakes. Fortunately, Colonel Brandon was there to Help, along with Captain Wentworth and Colonel Fitzwilliam, and Lieutenant Samuel Price.

Chapter the Fourteenth

Many men were besotted by Mary, and Lined up at her Doorstep to Court her. She did not Care, however, and Spent her Days studying Fordyce. Kitty tried to Steal away a Suitor, but she Failed. Elizabeth still Waited for her mysterious second Gentleman.

Chapter the Fifteenth

All the women and men went to a Party, where Mary played a Dirge, and Jane Fairfax was so beautiful that Emma strangled her in Jealously. Fanny Price sat Quietly, and Mary Crawford found new Freinds in Caroline Bingley, and Isabella Thorpe. Catherine Morland looked on in Excitement, while Elizabeth and Anne Elliot languished in Despair.

Chapter the Sixteenth

Elizabeth and Anne came home to find a single Letter. It read as Follows: In Vain have I struggled. I can Listen no longer in Silence. It Will not Do. I offer Myself to You again with a Heart even more your Own, than when You almost Broke it. You must Allow me to Tell you how ardently I Admire and Love you. Believe it to be most Fervent, most Undeviating, in

"F.W."

PS Please agree to Relieve my Suffering and become my Wife.

"Fw."

Chapter the Seventeenth

Anne knew the letter was Meant for Her, but Elizabeth believed Otherwise. In their Struggle to Claim the Letter, it was Lost in the Winds, and was later Burned. The two women Lamented their sad Fate, until two Gentlemen walked in. They immediately Proposed, and were Accepted, after much Pride, Prejudice, Sense, Sensibility, Persuasion, Irony, and Idiocy. They often went by the names of Frederick Wentworth, and Fitzwilliam (Darcy), but Elizabeth later Discovered that she had Married a Rake named Frank Willoughby, and Anne a Gambler who was called Fitz(george) Wickham.

And so the Lovers were Doomed for Eternity.

Chapter the Eighteenth

Everyone else Lived happily Ever after, except for the plot Devices, who all Died along the Way.