Chapter 1
Mr. Collins was sitting at his desk in Hunsford parsonage. He was writing a letter to Mr. Bennet. Mr. Collins was next in the entail of the Longbourn estate. He had heard that Mr. Bennet had five daughters.
I must go to Longbourn and select my wife from among the five daughters. They are going to be so honored by my presence. After all they would not have met too many gentleman of my sense, education, personality and eligibility in the country. I will choose one of them to be my wife. What an honor for the lucky lady.
Then Mr. Collins wrote his letter and sent it to Longbourn. Here is my version of what he said in his letter.
I am a clergyman who enjoys Lady Catherine de Bourgh's patronage.
When you read my letter, you will appreciate my wisdom and courage,
There was a disagreement between my father and you,
Offer an olive branch, is what I wish to do.
I have frequently wished to heal the breach,
Peace among all families is what I preach.
I make this commendable gesture of good will.
I am William Collins; you may call me Bill.
I will see you all (specially your daughters) very soon,
On November 18th, I'll come in the afternoon.
Mr. Collins received a favorable reply and on November 18th set forth for Longbourn. As he sat in his carriage he started dreaming.
My fair cousins, I'm sure will compete for my attentions. They will want to talk to me, take a walk with me or maybe even dance with me. But I shall be very discerning in bestowing my attentions. Only the one that I choose will be fortunate enough to enjoy the pleasure of my charming company. When I dance with that fortunate Lady I will first bow to her ......
They had reached Longbourn and the coachman opened the door just as Mr. Collins made his bow with a flourish. That resulted in his falling off the coach flat on his face....
Nay I must put it better, Mr. Collins made a single somersault dismount finishing with a flop and a thud....
No, this will not do. I must be kind. Mr. Collins got off the coach umm... not very elegantly. Elizabeth Bennet had to stifle her laughter. Jane Bennet, well she just smiled.
My dear cousins are smiling and laughing. How wonderful, for I had heard that ladies love a man who can make them laugh. Soon they will see that not only do I possess a sense of humor, in addition I possess a superior intelligence, good looks and a charming personality. Ladies prepare to be amazed.
Mr. Collins was introduced to his cousins and Mrs. Bennet. He looked carefully at each of his cousin. After all, they were all potential candidate to be his wife.
Cousin Jane is very beautiful. Cousin Elizabeth is not as beautiful but vivacious. Cousin Mary, well, she is not pretty, but she does seem to have a good taste in books. She is reading Fordyce's Sermons. Cousin Kitty and Lydia are so young and full of life. I think I'll choose Cousin Jane for only her beauty matches mine. Mrs. Jane Collins ooh... how well it sounds!
Mr. Collins noticed and praised each and everything at Longborn. Mrs. Bennet thought, maybe he was taking an inventory.
He praised the sofa and the chairs,
He praised the chimney and the stairs,
He praised the dinner, which was very good,
There was nothing he enjoyed more than good food.
"Which of my fair cousins cooked today's dinner?" Mr. Collins asked Mrs. Bennet.
I do enjoy a good meal. Maybe I should marry whichever cousin prepared this wonderful meal. But what if Mrs. Bennet cooked the meal?
"Mr. Collins we are able to afford a cook. None of my girls have any need to enter the kitchen," Mrs. Bennet replied irritated.
Hmm... I wonder if Lady Catherine de Bourgh will approve if I marry Mrs. Bennet's cook?
Then Mr. Bennet asked him about his parsonage and Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Mr. Collins talked about Lady Catherine de Bourgh and Rosings Park with an expression of self-importance and gloating.
They have never had the good fortune of having the condescension and cordiality of Lady Catherine de Bourgh bestowed upon them. I move in such superior society. I must describe it in great detail.
"Mr. Bennet, my dear cousins, Lady Catherine de Bourgh is the most condescending and affable person. She is always concerned about my wishes and concerns. She is woman of great fashion and elegance. Her generosity knows no bounds. She even came to see me at my parsonage and advised me on the matters of decorating and make alterations to my home. Can you imagine such kindness? She asked me to find a wife and told me that she would visit my wife in the parsonage. Can you think of a greater honor than being paid a visit by Lady Catherine de Bourgh? I dined with her twice last week at Rosings Park."
And now for the piece de resistance
"The garden in which stands my humble abode is separated ONLY BY a LANE from Rosings Park, her ladyship's residence."
Cousin Elizabeth looks rather flushed and she keeps covering her mouth with her napkin. Mr. Bennet looks very pleased and impressed with my description. He keeps smiling. I must now impress them with my intellect and charm.
"I always praise Lady Catherine de Bourgh and her daughter. I tell Lady Catherine de Bourgh that her daughter is the brightest jewel of the English court. Her beauty is unparalleled. These are the kind of little things that please her ladyship, and it is a sort of attention, which I conceive myself peculiarly bound to pay. I am truly gifted in that that I'm able to come up with such compliments as befit the occasion. But I must tell you; sometimes I do write down elegant little compliments and memorize them, so that, I can use them whenever necessary. I have a diary, sir, in which I write down all these compliments. But I always pay my compliments with an air of absolute sincerity."
Then Mr. Collins decided to read to his cousins. He read three pages of Fordyce's Sermons, but was interrupted by Miss Kitty and Miss Lydia who wanted to go to Meryton and meet the officers.
They prefer officers' company to mine. How singular. They are just young and immature. I should instruct them in proper behavior. They will benefit vastly by being in my company.
The next day Mr. Collins found out from Mrs. Bennet that Miss Jane might soon become engaged. One down four more to go! That day they all walked to Meryton. By the time they reached the place Mr. Collins was sweating profusely.
My cousins... walk ... too ... fast. Must...breathe...
In Meryton Miss Kitty and Miss Lydia chased after the officers. Mr. Collins observed this.
Cousin Kitty and Cousin Lydia find the company of officers pleasing. Colonel Fitzwilliam visits Rosings Park every year. What if they run away with him? This will not do. I think cousin Elizabeth will be a good choice. Mrs. Elizabeth Collins ooh... how well it sounds.
So Mr. Collins mentally ticked off Jane, Lydia and Kitty off his list. Soon he turned his attentions to fair Elizabeth. Three down two more to go!
Chapter 2
Elizabeth was sure that Mr. Collins would not accept the invitation to the Netherfield ball. But not only did he accept it, he asked to dance the first two dances with Elizabeth. The less said about Mr. Collins's dancing the better. On second thoughts I must say something about his dancing ...
When they moved left he moved right
Mr. Collins dancing, was a funny sight
He slipped and he stumbled
Apologized and mumbled
To add to her woes
He stepped on her toes
Elizabeth was having a most miserable night
Much to Miss Caroline Bingley's delight.
His own dancing not at all embarrassed Mr. Collins. For Mr. Collins possessed the self-conceit of a weak head, he was full of self-importance and pride. So Mr. Collins was convinced that bad dancing was all Elizabeth's fault.
My fair cousin does not seem to be a good dancer. She always seemed to be moving in the wrong direction and at one point forgot to remove her dainty foot from underneath mine.
Even though she keeps blaming me
My cousin is not a good dancer, thought he
I must teach her how to dance, how to move,
With diligent practice hopefully she will improve.
Then Mr. Collins found out that Mr. Darcy was the nephew of Honorable Lady Catherine de Bourgh. He decided to introduce himself. Fair Elizabeth tried to dissuade him.
Poor Cousin Elizabeth. She is not very bright, is she? She does not know that a clergyman is equal in the point of dignity with the highest rank in the kingdom. I can introduce myself to the Queen if I so wished, for I am a clergyman who enjoys the condescension of Honorable Lady Catherine de Bourgh. I must explain this to my fair cousin in a way that she could comprehend it.
"My dear Miss Elizabeth, I am sure you have an excellent judgment in all matters within the scope of your understanding. But this one matter of which you seem to have little or no understanding. I am a CLERGYMAN, and I consider the clerical office as equal in point of dignity with the highest rank in the kingdom, provided that a proper humility of behavior is at the same time maintained. I must perform my duty and inform Mr. Darcy of his aunt's well being. My superior education and experience makes me a better judge on these matters than a young lady like yourself."
One could almost imagine Mr. Collins patting Elizabeth on her head after this patronizing speech.
Well, there was nothing poor Elizabeth could do, but watch Mr. Collins make a fool of himself. Mr. Collins, however, was quite satisfied with his conversation with Mr. Darcy.
Mr. Darcy seemed honored to make my acquaintance. He was so polite.
Mr. Collins was quite satisfied with the way things were going. He watched as Mary played and sang.
Poor Cousin Mary, she is not pretty and cannot sing. Let me see, Cousin Elizabeth cannot dance and Cousin Mary cannot sing. And none of them can cook. What a family!
Sadly Mr. Collins shook his head. After Mary had finished playing Mr. Collins walked towards the pianoforte.
Maybe I should sing a song or two and impress everyone with my superior talents. Oh! It looks like Mrs. Hurst has decided to play. Well it is their loss.
Mr. Collins remained close to Elizabeth for the rest of the evening. She refused to dance anymore with him. Then Miss Charlotte Lucas tried to help Elizabeth, she joined them and engaged Mr. Collins in a conversation.
Ah! Yet another young lady completely charmed by me.
*******************
It was the day after the Netherfield Ball. Mr. Collins decided to propose to fair Elizabeth.
Today cousin Elizabeth is your lucky day. But my cousin seems to be reluctant to be in my company. This cannot be. Ah! She is feeling shy.
"Believe me, my dear Miss Elizabeth, that your modesty, adds to your other perfections. I have obtained your mother's permission for this address. Almost as soon as I entered the house I singled you out as the companion of my future life. But before I am run away with by my feelings on this subject, perhaps it will be advisable for me to state my reasons for marrying."
Elizabeth was so highly amused at the idea of Mr. Collins, with all his seriousness and pomposity, being run away with by his feelings, that she could not use the short pause he allowed in any attempt to stop him farther. It took a lot of self-control for Elizabeth not to burst out laughing.
Cousin Elizabeth seems to be in some distress. No, no she is smiling. Ah! She is happy to be receiving my addresses.
"My reasons for marrying are,
First, that I think it a right thing for every clergyman to set the example of matrimony in his parish.
Secondly, that I am convinced it will add very greatly to my happiness.
Thirdly, the most important reason for my marrying you are that it would please my noble patroness Lady Catherine de Bourgh. She has such an interest in my welfare. It is the goal of my life to please Lady Catherine de Bourgh and do exactly as she asks.
My dear cousin, after we are married Lady Catherine de Bourgh will pay you a visit. Can you think of a bigger honor?
Cousin, I'm sure Lady Catherine de Bourgh will find your wit and vivacity acceptable as long as you don't speak in her presence.
You might wonder why I came all the way to Longbourn to choose my bride. There were lot of young women in Hunsford who I am sure would have been honored to accept my hand. But I decided to choose a bride from among Mr. Bennet's daughters' since I am to inherit Longbourn after your father's demise. I will ignore the fact that you bring no dowry and after we are married I will never remind you of your lack of fortune.
I have come here as your savior and your knight in shining armor. And now I must reassure you of the violence of my affection."
At the word 'violence of affection' Elizabeth almost threw up. Elizabeth interrupted and thanked him for the honor his proposal, but declined to accept him.
My cousin is being coy. She secretly admires me and wishes to accept me. I will play along with her. I shall not be discouraged.
"I am quite aware that young ladies at first reject the proposal of the man whom they secretly mean to accept. I am sure we will be married very soon," replied Mr. Collins, totally unconcerned.
Elizabeth told him that she was not one of those young ladies (if there are such young ladies) who are so daring as to risk their happiness on the chance of being asked a second time (ever looked in the mirror Lizzy!). She informed him that he could not make her happy and she was the last person who could make him happy. She tried to convince him by telling him that Lady Catherine de Bourgh would not approve of his choice.
I will not be discouraged. I will propose again and again, I am sure she will eventually accept me. Oh! The ways of elegant ladies. How charming! She wishes to encourage me by rejecting me.
Mr. Collins reminded her of his eligibility, his position as a clergyman, and his connections with Lady Catherine de Bourgh and that he would eventually inherit Longbourn.
"You are pretty and lovely to be sure,
But your refusal I will not endure.
If you refuse this proposal of marriage
You will never ride in Her Ladyship's carriage."
My cousin persists in rejecting me. I must inform her that she will not get another offer of marriage in spite of her loveliness. I am convinced that she cannot be serious in her refusal. Ah! I get it; she wishes to increase my love by suspense. Oh! The ways of elegant ladies.
"Longbourn Estate, I stand to inherit
What have you got except beauty and wit?
I am astonished you refuse to marry me,
You will not get another proposal, don't you see?"
Elizabeth was quite irritated. The odious man persisted in seeing her refusal as a form of encouragement. He was sure of his offer being accepted. Elizabeth left the room. Mrs. Bennet assured Mr. Collins that Elizabeth would be made to accept his proposal. When he heard the charming description of his cousin (headstrong and foolish) from her own mother he was confused.
Hmm... If her character has such defects maybe she is not worthy of being my wife. I knew she was foolish when she rejected ME. But add to that she is headstrong and has an unguarded temper. Should I propose to cousin Mary? But do I want a headstrong and foolish sister? Who else can I propose to? Let me see, there is Miss Caroline Bingley she is quite elegant. She is not a gentleman's daughter. There is Miss Charlotte Lucas. I must... think... There must be at least one Lady in Hertfordshire(I am sure there are more)who will be honored to receive my proposal. I have to find her. That will teach Cousin Elizabeth a lesson for rejecting me.
Finally Mr. Collins got the message that Elizabeth did not want to marry him. But he was determined to get married. Lady Catherine would be seriously displeased if he came back unengaged still. So Mr. Collins's wife-hunt continued.
Chapter 3
So Mr. Collins, finally convinced that Elizabeth was serious in her refusal, was very displeased. He had hoped that Mr. Bennet might prevail upon Elizabeth to accept his proposal, but that was not to be.
Mr. Collins was now quite disgruntled. Mrs. Bennet tried to appease him. But his pride was wounded.
"Mrs. Bennet, I came here with the honorable intentions of securing for myself an amiable wife and to save this family by marrying one of your daughters. But Cousin Elizabeth does not seem to appreciate my worth. I must now withdraw my proposal to your daughter."
Five down none left! He was now more determined than ever to find a wife. He mentally went over the list of eligible ladies left in Hertfordshire.
Miss Lucas and Miss Bingley are ladies so fine,
Which of them should I make mine,
Miss Lucas does not have good looks
But I wonder how well she cooks.
Though a gentleman's daughter she is not,
Miss Caroline Bingley is so very hot.
Next day Mr. Collins went for a walk. He saw Charlotte Lucas sitting on a garden bench. He slowly walked towards her.
Should I propose or shouldn't I? Is there supposed to be a decent waiting period between proposals? Should I do it today or wait until tomorrow? But I need to write and practice another proposal. Maybe I can use the same proposal that I used for Cousin Elizabeth and such a good proposal it was too.
Then Mr. Collins went over the proposal once more in his mind.
Good, I don't think I need to change anything in the proposal. Oh! Of Course I must change the names. I don't think Miss Lucas would like being called Cousin Elizabeth. I must remember this. I must remember this...
Charlotte Lucas was not having a good day. Since morning she had a splitting headache. She had asked her mother for a remedy. Her mother had told her to take about 3 teaspoon (or was it 3 tablespoons, 3 cupful?) of some liquid in bottle. Her mother had told her that the bottle was on the second shelf (or was it the third?). Anyway now she was feeling very woozy so she decided to go and sit in the garden. Maybe fresh air would help her.
It was there that she saw Mr. Collins. (Why are there two of that odious man?) Then Mr. Collins started speaking. (Oh! Please shut up!)
"My dear Miss Eliz... er... Miss Lucas as soon as I came to Hertfordshire I singled you out as the companion of my future life. My reasons for marrying are ... ...".
And Mr. Collins went on and on and ...
(Oh! Go away and leave me alone, you toad! Can my headache get any worse? Good Lord! Now I see three Mr. Collins. I must be having a nightmare. )
"So My dear Cousin Eli...er... Miss Lucas Will you accept my proposal and consent to be my wife?"
Then Mr. Collins waited for the reply. (The toad seems to be waiting for my response. What did he say? He mentioned cousin, was he asking about Elizabeth? Or was he talking about something else?) Anyway Charlotte, for the life of her, had no idea what he had said or asked. So she just nodded her head and said yes. (Why is the toad grinning at me like that?)
Charlotte could not take it anymore; she just got up and left. She went to her room and slept for rest of the afternoon. But Mr. Collins was jubilant. He was not at all unhappy with Miss Lucas's abrupt departure.
Miss Lucas has accepted me. She must have been impressed by my connections to Lady Catherine de Bourgh. I must go to Sir Lucas and ask for his consent. Well Cousin Elizabeth your loss is Miss Lucas's gain.
Mr. Collins got Sir Lucas's consent. He was feeling very satisfied with the turn of events.
It was in the evening that Charlotte found out that she was engaged to Mr. Collins. (Good Lord! How did that happen?) Her parents were very relieved and pleased with her engagement. Since the news had already spread everywhere Charlotte was forced to accept her fate. Needless to say Elizabeth was dismayed. She felt that her friend deserved better. But Charlotte was too ashamed to tell Elizabeth that she had no recollection of the proposal and had AUI (Accepted Under Influence).
"I'm not romantic you know (at least not anymore). I ask only for a comfortable home (which is possible only when Mr. Collins is not in it). Considering Mr. Collins's character (pompous, weak-minded, self-important, odious ...), connections and situation in life, I am sure that my chance of happiness with him is as fair as most people can boast on entering the marriage state (Yeah right! Am I trying to convince Elizabeth or myself?)".
She just asked a favor from Elizabeth (Promise that you will never accept any proposal or for that matter say 'yes' to anything when you have a headache).
***That is the reason, gentle readers, why Darcy's first proposal was rejected (and the fact that it was a lousy proposal, and he spent more time insulting her than telling her that he loved her and that he never went down on his knees and ... well you get my point)***
Mrs. Bennet's reaction can be summed up as 4Ds,
Disbelief (surely Sir Lucas was being untruthful),
Displeasure (those artful Lucases),
Distress (to think that Charlotte Lucas will be mistress of Longbourn),
Discomfort (her poor nerves).
Poor Elizabeth bore the brunt of her mother's wrath. This pleased Mr. Collins to no end.
My excellent proposal you foolishly turned down.
Now Mrs. Bennet looks at you with a frown.
You deserve her screams and yells.
Not the sweet sound of wedding bells.
My dear Charlotte will make an excellent wife,
You will end up as an old maid and that will be your life.
He accepted every ones congratulations.
"Few match my dear Charlotte's perfections,
You see the happiest of men before you,
I accept, with thanks, your congratulations,
Dear cousins I wish you all similar happiness too."
Mr. Collins left for Hunsford. He had to inform Lady Catherine of his good fortune and to make sure she approved of his choice. As soon as he reached Hunsford, he ran to see Lady Catherine and told her about his engagement.
"Tell me about your bride-to-be,
Describe Miss Charlotte Lucas to me.
Is she a useful sort of a girl? Is she humble?
Mr. Collins, speak up and do not mumble.
Did you choose a gentlewoman for my sake?
A good clergyman's wife, will she make?
Will she make a small income go a long way?
Well Mr. Collins what have you to say?
You must set a wedding date.
Make it soon and not too late.
Lady Catherine was a person who talked a lot but seldom needed a response. Sufficient to say, Mr. Collins got Lady Catherine's approval. He made preparations to his humble abode to receive his bride. Two weeks later he was back at Longbourn to set a date. He wanted to get married as soon as possible (maybe he was worried that Charlotte might change her mind).
In January Charlotte Lucas became Charlotte Collins. They left for Kent immediately. Before leaving for Kent Charlotte invited Elizabeth to come and visit her in March along with Sir Lucas and Maria. While on their way to Hunsford, Charlotte looked at the man sitting opposite her, his greasy hair, his frog like smile and thought (This frog isn't going to turn into a prince. What have I done?) And she fainted.
Chapter 4
In March Elizabeth accompanied Sir Lucas and Maria to Hunsford. Mr. Collins welcomed them into his humble abode. Mr. Collins made it a point to show the rooms, furniture and every other feature of his home himself. He showed it in great detail to make her regret what she had lost in refusing him. But unfortunately for Mr. Collins Elizabeth hardly seemed impressed and not at all repentant. This did not satisfy Mr. Collins's ego.
Cousin Elizabeth HAS to regret refusing me. She WILL see what a fortunate alliance Charlotte has made. Okay so she was not overly impressed with the drawing room, the dining room, the furniture or the staircase. There must be something that will make her envious of my dear Charlotte.
Mr. Collins racked his limited supply of gray cells trying to think of something that would make Elizabeth realize her mistake. They all then proceeded upstairs to show Elizabeth her room. It was there that Mr. Collins had a brilliant brainwave (okay it was not a tsunami, just a teeny tiny wave or maybe just a ripple). As Elizabeth was trying to enter the room, he pushed past her and opened one of the doors inside the room. It was the closet. Then he made that famous line immortalized for time immemorial, (drum roll please)
"There are shelves in the closet. What do you say to that Cousin Elizabeth?"
Mr. Collins waited with eagerly and anxiously for his cousin's reply. His moment of triumph was here at last.
This will do it, I'm sure. Finally she will regret having refused ME.
"Shelves in a closet? Happy thought indeed!" replied Elizabeth sarcastically.
Mr. Collins found the reply highly unsatisfactory. He had not heard any regret in her voice, nor had she looked enviously at Charlotte or even the closet.
My cousin does not seem to regret her refusal. Her tone was not at all envious. It was in fact ... sputter ... sputter... Was my cousin mocking me? No, no that could not be. Maybe she is just hiding her true feelings. Yes indeed, that must be it. She must be feeling sorry for having refused me, but is concealing it.
That train of thought satisfied Mr. Collins. His work here was done. He then left the ladies to show Sir Lucas his gardens.
Charlotte told Elizabeth that she encouraged Mr. Collins to walk to the church, to pay Lady Catherine a daily visits, to work long hours in the garden and when at home, to spend several hours in the study preparing for the sermons. Charlotte Lucas could deal with solitude very well, what she could not deal with was the company of Mr. Collins in large doses (A little amount of time spent in Mr. Collins's company went a very very long way. One had to fortify oneself before the next dose.)
They were soon invited to dine at Rosings Park. Mr. Collins very pompously informed his guests of the invitation. He then spent quite some time carefully instructing them as to what they were to expect, so that the sight of such rooms, so many servants, and so splendid a dinner might not completely overpower them.
When the ladies were separating for the toilette, he said to Elizabeth,
"I advise you to put on your best dress, be it old or new,
Lady Catherine's elegance can never be matched by you,
Even if your gown is simple, I'm sure she will not mind,
Her Ladyship is all condescension you will find.
About Lady Catherine de Bourgh this I have observed,
She likes to have the distinction of rank preserved."
He kept reminding everyone to dress quickly. He came three or four times to their different doors and knocking on it, asking them to hurry up. Finally Elizabeth told him not to knock on her door anymore or it would take her longer to come down.
"Charlotte, Maria, make haste; make haste
Hurry everyone; we have no time to waste.
We are to dine with Lady Catherine the Great,
She will be seriously displeased if we are late."
Finally they were all ready to go. They walked to Rosings Park. When they reached the place, Elizabeth had to put up with Mr. Collins's ramblings about the number of windows, the number of hedges, the number of steps up to the main house etc. that Mr. Collins had himself counted of course! (A mathematical genius, that Mr. Collins)
As soon as they went in Mr. Collins made a very low bow to Lady Catherine de Bourgh. Elizabeth speculated that if Mr. Collins bowed any lower, he might topple over. They had a good dinner. Mr. Collins of course praised everything.
Mr. Collins praised every dish,
Be it poultry, veal, venison or fish,
After dinner Lady Catherine asked Elizabeth lot of questions. This is how the Lady Catherine's cross-examination of Elizabeth went.
"Not had a governess, never heard of such a thing,
No wonder only two of you play and sing.
Your mother should have come to me for some good advice
I would have ordered her to engage a governess without thinking twice.
Before the eldest are married the younger ones are out,
That is the oddest thing I have heard without a doubt.
All the girls out, this is just not done,
How old is the youngest one?"
But Elizabeth was not to be vanquished by Lady Catherine. She bravely faced the questions and answered them quite impudently.
"Fifteen is the age of the youngest one,
They all wanted their share of fun.
To deny them from enjoying society's pleasures would not be right
Just because the eldest ones marriage prospects are not too bright
What is odd in that, I cannot see?
Lady Catherine with you I disagree."
Mr. Collins nearly fainted when he heard his cousin disagreeing with Lady Catherine. No one ever did that.
Cousin Elizabeth is opinionated to be sure,
Her impertinence, Lady Catherine will not endure,
Mr. Collins was sweating profusely by now. He mumbled to himself, hoping Elizabeth would at least apologize for having the audacity to disagree with Lady Catherine.
Her Ladyship is always right, don't you see?
With Lady Catherine you must never disagree.
With deference you must always speak,
Cousin, You must try to be quiet and meek.
Lady Catherine was most seriously displeased by Elizabeth's impertinence and irritated by Mr. Collins's mumblings. Mr. Collins was in a state of stunned disbelief when he heard his cousin's decided opinions.
I must most humbly beg for Lady Catherine's forgiveness,
I hope she accepts my apology with condescension and kindness.
He bowed low, began to grovel and apologize to Lady Catherine. But Lady Catherine was no mood to listen.
Her Ladyship was most exceedingly displeased,
By Mr. Collins's apology she could not be appeased,
Lady Catherine shut him up with a withering glare,
Her displeasure was more than Mr. Collins could bear,
He zipped his lips and he bowed low,
He hoped her anger would not grow.
He quickly bade her Ladyship goodnight
And practically ran out of her sight.
Mr. Collins's thoughts were muddled,
By his cousin's behavior he was befuddled.
Charlotte was most impressed by the glare. She decided she would practice it. To be able to shut up Mr. Collins nonsensical ramblings with one look would be of a great advantage.
Few weeks later Mr. Darcy and Colonel Fitzwilliam came to visit their aunt. They were once again invited for dinner. Elizabeth was asked to play. Lady Catherine of course had some pearls of wisdom to impart to Elizabeth about her playing.
"You will never play very well unless you practice. You may play on the pianoforte in Mrs. Jenkinson's room. You would not be in anyone's way in that part of the house."
Now I have always felt sorry for poor Mrs. Jenkinson. Therefore here is a whole sentence (or two) on her feelings.
When she heard Lady Catherine's magnanimous offer Mrs. Jenkinson's thoughts were less than cordial.
There goes the old dragon again, inviting someone to practice on the pianoforte in MY ROOM. Why doesn't she just issue an open invitation to the whole blasted county to come and play in MY ROOM? If only I could charge a fee to use the pianoforte in my room, I am sure I would make a fortune, and then I could escape from this old crow.
Outwardly she just nodded and smiled.
During the last dinner at Rosings Park, Lady Catherine told Elizabeth that if she stayed for one more month; she would take Elizabeth in her barouche box as far as London. Mr. Collins nearly swooned at this offer. But much to Mr. Collins's alarm Elizabeth firmly refused her offer.
Oh! What a great honor it would be to travel in her Ladyship's barouche box. How kind and condescending of Lady Catherine. My poor cousin is not very sensible at all. First she refuses my offer of marriage, now she refuses Lady Catherine's offer of carriage.
Thus Elizabeth spent a few weeks in Hunsford. She spent time with Charlotte. She saw Rosings Park. She saw the famous chimney. She dined with Lady Catherine de Bourgh nine times. She met Anne de Bourgh. She met THE HANDSOME Colonel Fitzwilliam. She rejected another proposal. A good time was had by all. (Well, except maybe Darcy). Elizabeth returned to Longbourn.
Chapter 5
Mr. Collins heard about Lydia's elopement, he sent a letter of condolence to Mr. Bennet. This is what he had to say in this letter of condolence.
Oh! What a misfortune your family must face,
Thankfully (smirk)! I am not involved in your disgrace.
This elopement business is so very sad,
Cousin Lydia's disposition must be naturally bad.
This is what Lady Catherine de Bourgh had to say
The chances of your daughters' marrying have gone away.
"Who will connect themselves with such a family," says she.
With Lady Catherine de Bourgh I must, most humbly, agree.
Don't let her into your house; you must throw cousin Lydia out.
That, Mr. Bennet, is the only solution, without any doubt.
William Collins
Lydia and Wickham were found and they got married. Mr. Bingley came back and asked Jane to marry him. Charlotte received a letter from Elizabeth informing her of Jane's engagement. After reading the letter, Charlotte told Mr. Collins of the news. One day Charlotte was thinking out loud that since Mr. Darcy would see more of Elizabeth, it is possible that they might get married too. Mr. Collins heard this and was not pleased at all. He immediately huffed and puffed to Rosings Park to inform Lady Catherine.
This cannot be true. Cousin Elizabeth cannot... must not..., should not..., would not...(Oh make up your mind Mr. Collins!) marry Mr. Darcy. Lady Catherine will never allow it. The Bennet family has all the luck. They manage to hush up Lydia's elopement business. They even invited her to Longbourn. Oh! The shades of Longbourn are now thus polluted. Is this to be endured? Now cousin Elizabeth married to Mr. Darcy? This is not to be borne. This marriage must not take place at any cost. I must warn Mr. Bennet and I must inform Lady Catherine de Bourgh of this rumor at once.
"It is a matter so pressing,
The news is most distressing
My dear Charlotte informs me,
Miss Elizabeth is to marry Mr. Darcy,
I heard the news with great disbelief,
You would stop it, is my only relief,
My help I most humbly offer you,
Lady Catherine, tell me what to do?
After informing Lady Catherine of the rumors, Mr. Collins wrote to Mr. Bennet warning him against such a match and that Lady Catherine de Bourgh did not look on the match with friendly eye.
Lady Catherine de Bourgh was highly displeased with this news. She immediately set out for Longbourn to set the matters straight. Lady Catherine tried to discourage, first Elizabeth and then her nephew Darcy, but to no avail. In fact her interference actually brought them together (Catherine the Cupid???). Elizabeth and Darcy got engaged in spite of or because of Lady Catherine de Bourgh.
Lady Catherine's wrath knew no bounds, so she took it out on Mr. Collins and sent the Collins' packing to Hertfordshire. When they were on their way to Hertfordshire, Mr. Collins grumbled to Charlotte.
Your friend gave a most abominable reply,
With Lady Catherine's wishes she refused to comply.
Your friend is headstrong, selfish and obstinate,
I hope Mr. Darcy realizes this before it is too late.
Charlotte was highly amused of course. Now that Elizabeth had refused to listen to him or Lady Catherine, she had suddenly become "your friend" instead of cousin Elizabeth. Mr. Collins's laments continued.
How is this to be tolerated?
To Lady Catherine, she will be related.
It is a great honor for your friend, don't you see?
I wish Lady Catherine would be related to me.
She will be Lady Catherine's niece,
Knowing this I have no peace.
Next time she will stay at Rosings Park.
While we return home after it gets dark.
Oh the unfairness of it all!
Then Mr. Collins started to bawl.
Charlotte soon got sick of it all. She tried to glare Mr. Collins into silence a la Lady Catherine style, but unfortunately this was one of the times it did not work. Mr. Collins was too agitated to notice it.
Should Miss Elizabeth have gotten another proposal after she had the nerve to refuse me? Didn't I tell her that she would not? How could Mr. Darcy prove ME wrong? Shouldn't she suffer for foolishly turning down my proposal? What has Mr. Darcy got that I have not? Am I not a good looking, educated, intelligent and charming clergyman?
With me she could have had marital bliss
But she refused my proposal and accepted his.
To be sure he is worth a lot,
But what else has Mr. Darcy got?
With Lady Catherine I must agree,
She will pollute the shades of Pemberley.
These were the troubling thoughts Mr. Collins had on the day Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy got married. Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth, Mr. Bingley and Jane lived happily ever after.
As for Mr. Collins and Charlotte, they eventually went back to Hunsford. Again Mr. Collins kept grumbling about Mr. Darcy's marriage to Elizabeth. Charlotte, for just a teeny tiny fraction of moment was tempted to push Mr. Collins out of the carriage. But with great self-control she resisted, instead tried to placate Mr. Collins.
"Mr. Collins, "my friend" as you call Elizabeth, is also your cousin ..."
"My dear Charlotte, I beg you, please do not remind me of that."
"But Mr. Collins, if Elizabeth has become Lady Catherine's niece, that would indirectly make you related to Lady Catherine de Bourgh."
At first Mr. Collins did not comprehend what Charlotte was saying. Then finally, after Charlotte explained it some more, a light bulb went off in Mr. Collins's brain. He was in raptures.
"Dear Charlotte you are right of course. Ah! What a great honor. Now my dear do you realize how fortunate for you, that by being my wife, you are also related to her."
"That is an honor I can do without," muttered Charlotte sarcastically.
Mr. Collins was very happy. To be related to the noble Lady Catherine was a dream come true. Mr. Collins spent the rest of his life hoping and praying for reconciliation between Lady Catherine and Mr. and Mrs. Darcy. For then he could inform his most revered patron that they were related.
As for Charlotte, well she never got over her headache so they did not have any kids. Longbourn Estate came back to the Bennet family.
The End.