Beginning, Section II

Jump to new as of November 25, 2004

Part Four: The Wedding Planner

Posted on Tuesday, 25 May 2004

Note found on Woodhouse refrigerator:

Emma, dear----

Got tired of waiting up for you, so I went to bed. Didn't want to oversleep for tomorrow, since I've got fourteen five-year-olds invading my library. Hideous little monsters. Oh, you weren't, dear, you were a perfect little five-year-old, but most children aren't like you. Anyway, see you sometime tomorrow?

Love, Dad

1. MEETING WITH SUSAN VERNON AT 12:30----POTENTIAL BIG-TIME CLIENT!!

2. Do not forget to meet Harry for bridesmaid gown fitting!!

3. Call Patsy Roberts (cake maker), tell her that Phil finally decided on spice cake for wedding, shape to be optional but not armadillo. Would a Bible be inappropriate?

4. Call Pretentious Swanky Bridal Barn Bartlett's Bridal to schedule gown fitting for M. Bertram. Try to be nice to pretentious witch who runs things at said shop, though she is a complete cow.

5. Call Phil to see if he's got any time available next April for Bennet-Darcy wedding, since groom was once a member of the church and would like to be married there.

6. Make appt. with Petunia's Garden to pick out flowers for Grey-Willoughby wedding.

7. Call Jane, try to feel her out about the wedding. Hope she's not too hung over.

8. Call Jordan and ask him to bring lunch since will be far too busy to get it myself. Might make time to eat it.

9. Remember to stop by the library on the way to Vernon meeting to say hi to Dad to make up for staying out so late last night. Dads need attention, too!

10. I'm forgetting something. I had an appointment or something, didn't I?....oh, yes! Catherine Morland----gown fitting at one-thirty! Thank God for Hetty, otherwise I'd never remember anything.

Emma arrived at work fifteen minutes early the next morning. "Surprise!" she called to Hetty, who was already there, as usual.

"Good morning to you, too," Hetty said. "No need for me to guess why you're in such a good mood. Janie was over the moon last night when she called to tell me she was engaged. I was so happy, but at the same time...well, it was on the tip of my tongue to say that it was about time that Frank came around to marrying her, but that wouldn't have done, now would it?"

"No," Emma said. "Probably for the best that you didn't say anything like that."

"Well, it's what I've been thinking and I know Mother's thought the same thing, even if we've both been too polite to say anything to her. To be honest, even now I have my doubts about whether or not she should marry him, but he's what she wants. He makes her happy." There was a hint of sadness in Hetty's voice when she added, "I suppose that's what's most important, doing what makes you happy. If you don't, then you're nothing but miserable and that's not good, is it?"

"No," Emma said softly. Every once in a while, she was tempted to ask Hetty why she'd never married, but she knew better than to pry. She had once, when she was younger, and Jordan had never let her hear the end of it. She'd been in tears after his tirade.

It's hardly fair that Jordan knows the story when I, her own employer, don't have a clue.

"So...what have I got going today?" Emma asked as she walked into her office.

"You're not going to believe this, but that awful Vernon woman's office has called already." Hetty frowned. "Not her, mind you. Her office. She couldn't be bothered to call herself. She wanted to be sure you had the correct time for your meeting. One o'clock, she said."

Emma glanced at her calendar. "No, that's not right," she said. "We're meeting at twelve-thirty because I have a dress fitting with Catherine Morland at one-thirty. I had to rearrange my dress fitting with Harry for that meeting."

"And that's what I told that boy on the phone, but he said I must've have written it down wrong because Mrs. Vernon had specifically told you one o'clock." Hetty sniffed. "He made me sound like an empty-headed idiot. Can you believe that?"

Emma sighed. "I'm sorry, Hetty. I'll have to call her and tell her that one isn't going to work for me because of Catherine." Emma caught her bottom lip between her teeth for a second before letting go. "Okay. First thing on the list----call Susan Vernon, tell her the meeting's at twelve-thirty. If she refuses, then Harry's going to be a very happy woman because I'll be able to make my original fitting time. Then I have to call...oh, God, what did I do with that list?" Emma rummaged through her purse, looking for the scrap of paper.

"For someone whose life revolves around organizing things, you are one of the most disorganized people I know," Hetty said with a chuckle.

Emma had actually known where the paper was all along, but getting Hetty out of the funk she'd been in due to Susan Vernon was a priority. "As your employer, I'm going to overlook that just this once. Next time, I'm giving you your pink slip. Ah, here it is!" Emma pulled out the paper, which happened to be pink. She smiled innocently at Hetty. "Coincidence, really."

"Sure it is." Hetty was smiling, though, which was the important thing.

Emma read through her list. "Yeah, definitely twelve-thirty on that meeting. Then I have...what don't I have? Ugh. I have to call Caroline Bingley at Bartlett's Bridal. I am not looking forward to that."

"I can handle that," Hetty said, taking the paper out of Emma's hand. She read through the list with a small chuckle. "Your father's giving you grief again, is he?"

Emma took a seat at her desk. "I was out kind of late last night celebrating. He got tired of waiting up for me."

Hetty smiled. "You are such a wonderful daughter to him, Em. You really are."

Emma, never sure how to handle compliments of that nature----since she felt that it was only right that she treat her father as good as she did, since he was her only living parent----found Susan Vernon's telephone number and dialed it. "You're making my head swell. Could you get me some coffee, please?"

"Sure," Hetty said. She paused at the door. "Emma...you really don't need this woman as a client."

"Are you kidding? This woman's going to make my career." Emma ignored the eye roll she got from Hetty and listened as an automated voice asked her to dial her party's extension number if she knew it. Since Susan Vernon hadn't bothered to include it, Emma was left to wait until she got hold of an operator. "Susan Vernon, please," she said to the cool woman who answered.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Vernon is in the middle of an important conference and cannot be disturbed. Might I enquire what this is concerning?"

"This is Emma Woodhouse. Mrs. Vernon contacted me about planning her daughter's wedding, and I think we've got our times mixed up. She told me yesterday that she would meet me at twelve-thirty, but she told my assistant this morning that our meeting was at one. I'm calling to confirm that the meeting is at twelve-thirty."

"Please hold while I put you through to Mrs. Vernon's administrative assistant." The line clicked, and seconds later Emma was gritting her teeth and listening to Musak. This is the way things are done in big business, Emma, remember that. It usually takes a few minutes to get through to the person you need to talk to.

Hetty came into the office with a steaming cup of coffee, which she set down in front of Emma. "Thanks, Hetty," she said before picking it up and taking a sip. She knew that Hetty had added heavy cream and sweetener without asking.

Ten minutes later, and Emma was getting as steamed as her coffee. Surely it didn't take this long to find one person and get her on the phone! Just as she was about to slam the phone down and agree with Hetty that no, they really didn't need Susan Vernon's business, a man picked up.

"Good morning. Susan Vernon's office. This is Garland Rice speaking."

"Good morning," Emma said coolly. "This is Emma Woodhouse. I'm the wedding coordinator Mrs. Vernon is thinking of hiring for her daughter's wedding, and I was hoping to speak to her about our meeting today."

"Ah, yes," the man on the other end said in a simpering voice. "I have that written in for one this afternoon. Is there a problem?"

"Yes, there is. Our meeting is for twelve-thirty, not one."

"I'm afraid that's impossible, Ms. Woodhouse. Mrs. Vernon personally wrote in her PDA that your meeting with her was at one. And she never makes a mistake."

Emma rolled her eyes, which had Hetty saying, "Snotty little twerp, isn't he?" Emma shooed her away. The last thing she needed was to try paying attention to two conversations at the same time. She'd wind up making the wrong comment to the wrong person.

"Listen, Mr. Rice, she told me we were meeting at twelve-thirty today. I have that time written down in my PDA," Emma lied, glancing at her messy calendar. Calendar, PDA, same thing.

"Mrs. Vernon has a very important matter taking up her time this morning. You're lucky she's meeting you at one," the man said, his voice getting snippier by the second.

It was on the tip of Emma's tongue to remind him that it was she who would be doing the favor for Mrs. Vernon, but she couldn't afford to be that rude. "Would it be possible for me to speak with Mrs. Vernon directly?" she asked. "I think if I could talk to her, we could have this cleared up in a matter of moments."

"That's impossible. Mrs. Vernon is in the middle of a business conference. I wouldn't dream of interrupting for a trivial matter."

Emma's hands curled into fists. If only she were seeing this jerk in person... "Then I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel," she said. "I rearranged my schedule to meet Mrs. Vernon at twelve-thirty, and I can't change anything back." Not necessarily true, but she'd rather not go through the hassle, even for Susan Vernon. "If she has a free minute to call me, I'll be here until around twelve. After that, I'm out of the office for the rest of the afternoon. Have a nice day." She slammed down the phone.

"What did I tell you?" Hetty said, having ignored Emma's shooing.

"What a creep!" Emma shouted. "What a self-important creep! This 'trivial matter,' he called it. I'd like to see him plan a wedding sometime and then tell me how trivial a matter it is."

After her anger died down, she found herself staring at her calendar, specifically at her scheduled meeting with Susan Vernon. Emma's dreams of planning the wedding of the decade faded away.

"Are you all right, dear?" Hetty asked. "I know you had your heart set on getting that wedding."

"I'll be okay," Emma said. "I'm sure something just as good will come along...maybe."

"Of course it will!" Hetty came over and gave Emma a hug. "And just think, without this wedding to worry about, you'll have plenty of time to fuss over Frank and Jane! I know you're looking forward to doing that."

Emma leaned into Hetty, feeling a bit better already. She wasn't the sort who could stay in a bad mood for very long, and the thought of planning Frank and Jane's wedding was appealing. "Thanks," she said.

"Oh, no need to thank me. Just give Janie the wedding of a lifetime and I'll be happy. Well, I could do with a pay raise."

"I just gave you one last month."

"Yes, but I'd like another. One can never have too much."

"Tell you what, Hetty. When I get a pay raise, you'll get one, too." Emma took another drink of her coffee as she contemplated what to do next.

"Oh, Emma, I'm so sorry," Harry said when Emma told her what had happened with Susan Vernon. When she hadn't heard anything from the woman by noon, Emma decided to go get fitted for her dress.

"Yeah, well, win some, lose some. You know." But the words didn't sound convincing even to her own ears. "As Hetty pointed out, I've got a ton of things going on as it is. And now Jane's getting married."

"Emma! I thought you were ditching us for the rich and mighty today," Anna called as she walked into the dress boutique.

"The rich and mighty can't tell the difference between twelve-thirty and one o'clock," Emma said. "So I basically told her PA that I couldn't make it and that was it."

"Why couldn't you make it?" Anna asked.

"Because I've got a dress consultation with another client at one-thirty. Besides, it was presumptuous of her to change our meeting, have her personal assistant tell me, and then assume I'd drop everything just to meet her demands."

"And here I was under the impression that you were willing to do just that in order to get her business," Anna said.

Emma hurled a swatch of fabric at her. It didn't come close to hitting the target.

"Good afternoon, ladies," their assistant, Magda, said cheerfully as she approached. "How are you today?"

"We're doing great," Harry said. "A little nervous the closer we get to the wedding day."

"Oh, don't you worry about a thing. I'm sure your friend Emma will...oh, she's here, too! I thought you said she wouldn't be in until later."

"A meeting fell through at the last minute and I was able to come now. I hope that's not a problem, Magda," Emma said, having worked with the woman on several occasions.

"Of course not. Well, I've got the dresses ready if you'd like to come on back...wait. Where's the other girl?"

"Jane should be here any minute, if she's managed to come down off that cloud she's been on since last night," Anna said.

"She got engaged. Can you believe it, Magda?" Harry was beaming. "It was so romantic. Not as romantic as how Phil proposed, but it was still plenty nice."

"That's wonderful," Magda said with a smile. She looked at Emma. "They're ganging up on you, you know. Pretty soon, they're all going to wonder when it'll be your turn to get married."

Emma chuckled. "'Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't wed, plan.' That's my motto and I'm sticking to it."

"I can't believe you're actually quoting a J'Lo movie," Anna said.

"Hey, I liked that movie, thank you very much. And the motto's true, regardless of where it came from. I don't think I'm the marrying type. For one thing, I've never met a guy who came close to meeting my ideal for a husband."

"And what would that be?" Harry asked, a fascinated look on her face.

"Oh, no. Here we go again," Anna said with a groan.

"I want the man I marry to be attractive----of course. But he'd also have to be smart and funny, and I don't mean funny in a 'class clown' type of way, but someone who appreciates a good joke. He'd have to love movies and not be bothered when I occasionally quote from them. I don't see what the big deal is about that, anyway. If I quoted from books, people would call me an intellectual."

"If you quoted from good movies, maybe we wouldn't mind as much. Can we just skip the rest of the requirements and get to the dress fitting?"

"Okay, okay, but tell me one thing before we get started. How come I had to listen to you go on and on about how perfect Jimmy is, but I can't talk about the man I'd like in my life?" Emma asked. "Is it because Jimmy's real and my dream man isn't?"

Anna paused in front of the maze of dressing rooms they were about to walk into. "You're right," she said. "I'm sorry."

"Thank you. Now let's get this over with so I'm not late for my next meeting."

Twenty minutes later, Emma found herself wishing she'd been able to skip this dress fitting as she had all the others. Harry had decided she wanted a wedding right out of Gone with the Wind, which meant hoop skirts. Emma had begged Harry to allow the bridesmaids to choose their own dresses, but Harry had refused. Her wedding, her choice. She had conceded only one point to her miserable bridesmaids, and that was on the issue of color. They could choose whatever color suited them best...as long as it was pastel.

"Never mind that the wedding is in November and not April," Emma had mumbled after Harry had made this proclamation. "Pastels it is."

So now Emma stood in front of a three-way mirror wearing what felt like a mile-wide skirt of pale green. I feel like a doily, she thought irritably. She didn't say anything to Harry, of course, because that would've hurt her friend's feelings.

"You look beautiful, Em, just like I knew you would!" Harry said happily. "All of you do! Oh, Jane! Anna, you really should've considered wearing a dress like that for your wedding."

The look on Anna's face said it all----she would rather have been dead than wear a hoop skirt at her wedding. "Well, I saw the dress I wore and knew it was the one," she said weakly. "You know how it is, Harry. When you see the right dress..."

"Oh, yeah." Harry grinned. "I know exactly how that feels. I knew the minute Magda showed me the design for my dress that it was the right one. Of course, when my dad gets the bill, he's going to have a cow, but I had to have it."

"Yes, you did," Emma said, and the trapped feeling she'd gotten when she'd tried the dress on started to go away. Seeing the delight on Harry's face almost made it worthwhile.

Almost. Emma knew the challenges ahead as she learned to walk, dance, and sit in this dress, and it made her want to take a picture of the look on Harry's face now so she'd remember why she was going through such hell.

Magda ordered Emma to hold still as she stuck pins in the dress here and there, letting in the bodice a bit and letting out the waist. Emma sighed, wishing she hadn't had that second doughnut for breakfast. Time for another damn diet, she thought, but Magda said nothing as she noted the changes.

Magda was just finishing up with her when she heard her cell phone ringing. With a small groan, Emma started to head for the chair where her purse was hanging only to have Magda yell, "Don't move!"

"I'll get it for you," Anna said, picking up the phone. "Hello, Emma Woodhouse's phone." Anna listened to the person on the other line, her eyes getting wide. "Uh, I don't think she was aware of that...yes, it was. But someone from your office...you know what, I think you should speak to Emma yourself. Please hold." Anna put her hand over the phone and hissed, "It's Susan Vernon, and she's ticked because you're not in your office."

"What?!" Emma shrieked, nearly knocking Magda over in her rush to get to the phone. Anna handed it to her. "Hello, Mrs. Vernon. It's Emma Woodhouse."

"Ms. Woodhouse, I was under the impression that we were meeting at twelve-thirty in your office. Here it is, twelve-thirty, but you aren't here. Your assistant has told me you're in the middle of something else."

"Well, ma'am, I am at the moment. I'm in the middle of a heap of fabric called a hoop skirt. I'm scheduled to be a bridesmaid at a wedding next month."

"Hey!" Harry said in objection to hearing the lovely gown called a heap of fabric.

Emma muffled the phone and said, "I'm only kidding, Harry."

"Ms. Woodhouse, did we or did we not have an appointment today for twelve-thirty?" Susan was sounding more upset.

"I thought we did, Mrs. Vernon, but your office called my assistant this morning to tell her that our appointment was at one. When I insisted it was at twelve-thirty, I was told that I should consider myself lucky that you were able to fit me in at one." Emma continued telling her what her snotty assistant had said. When she finished, there was a long pause on the other end of the line. "Mrs. Vernon? Are you still there?"

"Oh, dear." Another pause. "I'm afraid you were both right. Our appointment was for twelve-thirty, Ms. Woodhouse, but I put it in for one o'clock. Mr. Rice was only confirming our appointment for the time he thought it was."

"I see." Emma looked down at what she was wearing. Then she checked her watch. It was nearly a quarter to one. There wasn't enough time for her to get out of the dress----which had taken nearly fifteen minutes to get into----and meet with Susan Vernon before her meeting with Catherine. "I don't suppose you've got time tomorrow or the day after, do you?"

"I'm in New York the rest of the week. It's today or nothing."

Emma sighed. She wasn't far from where she'd be meeting Catherine. "Mrs. Vernon, do you know where Bridal Barn is?" she asked.

"I believe I do. Erica wanted to look there for a wedding gown, but I told her not to be ridiculous. Her gown is going to be made personally by..."

"Would you be willing to meet me here? I have a meeting at one-thirty with someone at a dress shop nearby, and I can't break that appointment. But we could speak for a little bit if you think half an hour would be long enough."

There was another pause. "I tell you what, Ms. Woodhouse. What I'm really looking for is to see how you go about your business. I was planning to interview you to get an idea of how you operate, but it might be better if I get a hands-on look. Would you be willing to let me join you for your other meeting?"

"Oh, I don't know about that. I don't know how Catherine would feel about having a stranger sit in on a meeting. I guess I could introduce you as a fellow wedding planner or something, but if Catherine becomes really uncomfortable with you, I'd have to cut it short."

"That would be fine. I managed to get some of the business scheduled for this afternoon finished this morning, so time won't be an issue. I'll be with you shortly." She hung up the phone before Emma could say anything further.

"I hope she didn't give Hetty too hard a time," Emma said as she turned the phone off. She thought for a second, then added with a chuckle, "Then again, maybe I should hope that Hetty didn't give her too hard a time. Help me get out of this monstros...er, this dress, will you Magda?"

It took every second Emma had before Susan Vernon's arrival to get out of the dress and back into her regular business attire. She was hurriedly running a brush through her hair when she heard Susan asking for her. Emma tossed the brush aside and slipped her shoes into the gray heels that matched her dress. She took several deep breaths before opening the door to the showroom of the boutique, ready to make her pitch.

Welcome to your private Highbury Chat Room! We respect your privacy and value your business!

Emma has logged on

Jordan has logged on

Emma: Hi Joradn.

Jordan: Hi Mema.

Emma: quit making fun of my typing. I'm too excited to type right.

Jordan: that much was obvious

Emma: hey, you'd be excited too if you'd just landed SUSAN VERNON as a client!!!!!

Jordan: So the Barracuda hired you, did she?

Emma: don't call her that. She's not the sweetest woman I've ever met, but she's not that bad.

Jordan: ok ok, no barracuda jokes. well, maybe the occasional joke

Emma: I don't wanna have to kill you. (Drum, from Steel Magnolias)

Jordan: I knew that!

Emma: sure you did

Jordan: I thought you canceled your meeting. That's what you told me when you begged me to bring you lunch, wasn't it?

Emma: well, yes, I did think the whole thing was off. But then she called while I was trying on my bridesmaid gown and came to meet me. She went with me to see another client, and wouldn't you know that catherine was having a full-blown attack of jitters that I had to calm down. I was so good that Susan practically hired me then and there.

Jordan: good choice on her part. Good choice on yours? Did you get to meet Erica?

Emma: no, she wasn't with her mother today. I'm supposed to meet her next time. I'm hoping they'll bring Matthew St. James with them.

Jordan: I wouldn't get your hopes up. he's a busy boy

Emma: won't stop me from hoping

Jordan: down girl. he's engaged, remember?

Emma: *sigh* why are all the good ones engaged?

Jordan: I'm not engaged

Emma: like I said, why are all the *good* ones engaged?

Jordan: Boys, bring me my gun!

Emma: consider me impressed

Jordan: I told you I knew that movie. Did you get to see your dad today before midnight?

Emma: yes I did. Im a good daughter

Jordan: there was never any doubt of that Emma. I know you were worried that your schedule wouldn't allow you to get to see him today

Emma: it almost didn't but in the end I stopped by as the library was closing and took him to dinner. I had a nice night. He hadn't heard about Jane and Frank so that was a nice bit of news.

Jordan: and what did he think of that?

Emma: what do you think

Jordan: I'm gonna guess and say he wants to know when you're getting married

Emma: *snort* hardly. He's worried that "since everyone else is getting married, you'll want to do it too." I kept telling him that I wasn't getting married anytime soon, but you know how far that goes with my dad

Jordan: Yeah, ten feet

Emma: exactly

Jordan: em, have you ever thought of what would happen someday if you did get married?

Emma: why, are you asking me to marry you?

Emma: JORDAN?!?! *steam coming from ears*

Jordan: *wipes tears of laughter from eyes* no

Emma: don't make me reach through the cable modem and kick your butt. I'll throw you from here to hell

Jordan: *assumes serious demeanor* sorry. didn't realize you wanted me to ask

Emma: I don't. I'm just trying to figure out why everyone's taking a sudden interest in when I plan to get married.

Jordan: who else was asking?

Emma: oh, everyone. You, dad, Magda at the bridal barn, Jane, Anna. I'm sure if Hetty would've if she'd gotten the chance.

Jordan: if it makes you feel any better, Emma, I know what you're going through.

Emma: yeah, but you're older than I am. It's weird for you not to be married by now.

Jordan: no it's not

Emma: yes it is! You're almost 40! Why aren't you married?

Jordan: because I've been waiting all this time for you to grow up, remember?

Emma: remember that threat I made about reaching through the modem and throwing you to hell? I meant that you know

Jordan: oh. I thought you meant that lovingly

Emma: sure I did. You just go right on thinking that.

Jordan: Emma, as I've told you a hundred times, I'm not going to get married just to get married. I want to be sure that when I marry someone I'll be spending the rest of my life with her. I hope to marry someone who shares that same opinion.

Jordan: Emma?

Emma: sorry, I was just taking that in. I think it's great, Jordan. Why haven't you ever said that before when I've asked you why you're waiting?

Jordan: *shrug* don't know.

Emma: hey, since we're talking about love and marriage, who were you in love with?

Jordan: huh?

Emma: when you answered that e-mail quiz, you said you'd been in love before. I didn't know that, either, so give it up. Who was she?

Jordan: what makes you think she's part of my past?

Emma: Jordan! Who is she?????? when and where did you meet her? Does she feel the same way about you? She's crazy if she doesn't, that's for sure. Details, details!!

Jordan: long story, and one I don't think I want to get into now. Maybe I'll tell you about it someday.

Emma: *screams*

Jordan: sorry, em, but I can't tell you now. Maybe later.

Emma: now I'm really going to have to kill you.

Jordan: sure. I'll be right here waiting whenever you're ready.

Emma: you just wait for me. Right now I've got to go. Dad wants to play a game of chess.

Jordan: say hi to him for me

Emma: he wants to know if you're ever coming over for dinner. He says he'll cook.

Jordan: anytime you guys want me over. Will me invitation to dinner be before or after I'm killed?

Emma: go away, goodbye, I'll talk to you later. Dad says come over Sunday afternoon for lunch

Jordan: I'll be there. bye Emma

Emma has logged off

Jordan has logged off

Part Five: Swimming with Sharks.

Posted on Tuesday, 14 September 2004

To: Ms. Emma Woodhouse (weddingsbywoodhouse@highbury.net)
From: Susan Vernon (susanvernon@vernonenterprices.com)
Subject: The Wedding

Message: Ms. Woodhouse,

I am pleased that we were able to come to a verbal agreement last week about Erica's wedding. I am certain that with your help, this will become the most talked-about event of the year.

First, however, there is a minor matter which needs to be handled. Along with the business contract for your services, I am sending you a document by courier which I will require you to sign before we proceed any further with wedding arrangements. It is a standard confidentiality agreement. A woman in my position has certain enemies who would stop at nothing to know things about me that I no doubt will be revealing to you. In addition to this, the press must be handled a certain way and at a certain time. Although I want Erica's wedding to be a media sensation, I want to be able to control exactly what the public knows and what they do not know.

Therefore, I must insist that you sign this agreement. In it, you agree that you will not speak to anyone about the wedding unless I have approved of it first. You will also agree never to reveal things you might hear or discover that are completely unrelated to the wedding. Should you violate this agreement, you would owe me double the expenses of the wedding plus punitive damages in the amount of $25,000.

Please have the contract and agreement signed and returned to me by end of business today.

Susan Vernon

To: Mrs. Susan Vernon (susanvernon@vernonenterprises.com)
From: Emma Woodhouse (weddingsbywoodhouse@highbury.net)
Subject: Re: The Wedding

Message: I am returning the signed contract, but until my lawyer looks it over, I can't return the confidentiality agreement. It would only take an extra day for him to do this. Would that be all right?

Emma Woodhouse

To: Ms. Emma Woodhouse (weddingsbywoodhouse@highbury.net)
From: Susan Vernon (susanvernon@vernonenterprises.com)
Subject: Re: Re: The Wedding

Message: End of business tomorrow will do.

Susan Vernon

To: Frank Churchill (Churchill@highbury.net)
From: Emma Woodhouse (weddingsbywoodhouse@highbury.net)
Subject: HELP!

Message: Frank, I know you're busy helping big businesses cheat on their taxes there at Dewey, Cheatum and Howe, but if you've got some free time I need for you to look over a confidentiality agreement Susan Vernon wants me to sign. She wants it back by tomorrow at five, so if you could help me out ASAP I'd appreciate it.

Em

To: Business Emma (weddingsbywoodhouse@highbury.net)
From: F.L. Churchill (Churchill@highbury.net)
Subject: Re: HELP!

Message: Send it over. I'll have a look at it.

Frank

P.S. As you well know, I help small businesses cheat on their taxes, too.

To: Ms. Emma Woodhouse (weddingsbywoodhouse@highbury.net)
From: Susan Vernon (susanvernon@vernonenterprises.com)
Subject: The Wedding

Message: Thank you for sending the contract and agreement back to me so quickly. I'm glad you understand the importance of having such an agreement in place.

Now, as to the wedding itself. The wedding date is to be February 25----Valentine's Day is too much of a cliché but winter weddings are quite in at the moment, I believe. January wouldn't give us enough time to plan everything, but I believe February would be perfect. And if it doesn't happen to snow, there are ways to create it so that in the future, no one will ever be able to tell the difference. At present, I'm inclined towards an evening wedding. Matthew would look stunning in tails.

The colors of the wedding are to be royal blue and silver, which happen to be Matthew's favorite colors.

Due to a codicil in her father's will, Erica must wear her grandmother's wedding gown. There is no other way to describe this gown other than hideous. I personally believe that Erica refused to marry her last fiancé because of the gown, but if she does not wear it, she will not receive the money her father left her upon her marriage. Worse still, the only alterations that can be made to the gown are those to insure that it fits her and all fittings must take place with my late husband's attorney present to insure that the gown is not changed. Once Erica is married, I have every intention of throwing that rag into the nearest incinerator, but we must make do for the present. Attached to this e-mail is a photo of the gown.

Erica will have three bridesmaids: a sorority sister from her college days, a friend from childhood, and Matthew's sister Rebecca. I will be her matron of honor. Matthew's attendants will be his brother, Samuel, Senator J. Spencer Hamilton III, and Dr. Lawrence Blackwell. His best man is his best friend, Kieran O'Flanagan. Their pictures are being sent in separate attachments to you. Please do not delete them, thinking them a virus. It is vital that you know who these people are, as they will be an important part of the wedding.

Finally, I will be sending you a list of the people I do not wish to do business with. I have had dealings with several of these people in the past. They may be highly recommended, but I had nothing but trouble with them. However, I do not foresee a problem since you no doubt know of many, much better businesses which would suit our purposes.

I am looking forward to seeing you on Friday afternoon at two-thirty.

Susan Vernon

To: Jane (angelface77@yahoo.com)
From: Emma Woodhouse (emmarose@highbury.net)
Subject: Warning: This Wedding Gown Could Happen to You

Message: Jane, you have to see this wedding gown. It is the most tragic thing I've ever seen in my life...and it's the centerpiece of the wedding that's supposed to make my career. There's no way to get around it without costing the bride like, millions of dollars. ARGH!

(want it? I'm sure after the wedding, Erica and Mrs. Vernon would be more than happy to give it to you for free.)

Em

To: Emma (emmarose@highbury.net)
From: Jane E. Fairfax (angelface77@yahoo.com)
Subject: Not on your life

Message: Hell would freeze over before I wore anything that looked like that. Uh-uh, no way, forget it. I don't think even I could compliment a bride wearing something like that. I feel sorry for this poor girl if her mother's making her wear that.

Speaking of wedding gowns, I've been looking through a couple of magazines and I thought when we got together for Harry's bachelorette party this weekend I'd show you some of my ideas. Do you think that would be okay with Harry? I don't want to steal her thunder or anything.

Jane

To: Jane (angelface77@yahoo.com)
From: Emma Woodhouse (emmarose@highbury.net)
Subject: You thunder-stealer, you!

Message: Seriously? I don't think Harry would mind at all. You saw how excited she was when you and Frank got engaged. She's about to be married, she wants the rest of the world to be as happily settled as herself. You want proof? Yesterday, she called and said there was this "gorgeous" guy I just had to meet. She tried to be sneaky at first by telling me that she and Phil wanted me to have supper with them tonight, just the two of them, but from the way she emphasized that it would just be the three of us, I knew something was up.

You know Harry can't keep a secret to save her life, so she told me about the guy. How sad is it that I couldn't summon up the least bit of interest in him? Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. Maybe I should've gone to dinner with them, but I just didn't feel up to a night of stilted conversation and uncomfortable silences.

Sometimes I think I was an idiot to let Frank get away. (kidding!)

Em

To: Emma (emmarose@highbury.net)
From: Jane E. Fairfax (angelface77@yahoo.com)
Subject: You man-stealing witch, you!

Message: Toooo late! He's mine, all miiine!

And no, I don't think you're pathetic just because you don't want to be set up on a blind date. In the history of the world, how many blind dates have worked out well? You remember that guy Dave that you and Anna set me up with years ago? Ugh. Actually, come to think of it, I think Harry trying to set you up is just desserts for all those guys you've been foisting on me and Anna all these years.

I'll bring my stuff, but I might not show it if I think Harry's not in the mood. See you Friday.

Jane

ps Frank says you've technically violated your confidentiality agreement by sending me the photo of the wedding gown. He made me get rid of the picture right before I could send it to a website featuring horrible wedding gowns. (kidding!) But he did say, "no more talking about the wedding!!!" I'm pretty sure he meant Erica Vernon's.

pps "Don't sweat it, sweetie, I won't tell."

To: Jane (angelface77@yahoo.com)
From: Emma Woodhouse (emmarose@highbury.net)
Subject: You snitch, you!

Message: First of all, I never "foisted" guys onto either of you. And if I did, you certainly shouldn't be complaining since you just agreed to marry the last one I introduced you to.

Second, tell Frank that you're hardly going to run to the press and tell them all about the wedding. I'm sure Susan wouldn't have a problem with me talking to you about it. She meant for me not to tell the media and other untrustworthy types...oh hell. That would include lawyers, wouldn't it? And Frank knows!

I'm screwed!!!!!

Em

ps. Animal House. There's no fooling me on the quotes, Janie.

To: Ms. Emma Woodhouse (weddingsbywoodhouse@highbury.net)
From: Garland Rice (garlandrice@vernonenterprises.com)
Subject: Per Mrs. Vernon

Message: Ms. Woodhouse,

Mrs. Vernon wanted me to let you know that her daughter Erica would be joining you Friday for your little meeting. Also, the file attached includes the businesses Mrs. Vernon refuses to use for the wedding. Please look it over and be sure you do not consider them when making arrangements. Mrs. Vernon would consider this a violation of your contract. I'm sure I don't need to remind you that the consequences of this would be severe.

Garland Rice

Attachment: Do Not Use List

To: Harry (ladyharry@freemail.com)
From: Emma Woodhouse (weddingsbywoodhouse@highbury.net)
Subject: I hate weenies!!

Message: Okay, I can handle Susan Vernon and her 'I want things my way' attitude. That's nothing I haven't seen before. And I can handle the fact that I haven't seen hide nor hair of Erica Vernon, the bride in this whole mess. She's probably a busy girl----why else would her mother be seeing to all the wedding details? I can even handle the fact that I have yet to meet the elusive but absolutely gorgeous Matthew St. James.

BUT!!! This "personal assistant" or whatever the hell he is that runs after Susan Vernon must be destroyed!!! Look at this e-mail he sent me! "I'm sure I don't need to remind you that the consequences of this would be severe." I can just hear his snotty tone as I read it, I swear to...well, I swear. (Sorry, I'm trying not to swear to other things in front of a future reverend's wife.)

Gaahhh! Surely God would forgive me for wanting this man dead, wouldn't He? There's a special law for dealing with weenies, right???

Emma

Attachment: Subject: Per Mrs. Vernon

To: Emma 2(weddingsbywoodhouse@highbury.net)
From: Harry Smith (ladyharry@freemail.com)
Subject: Re: I hate weenies!!

Message: Sorry, Em, but I checked with Phil and he said there isn't a "Weenie Exception" to the Thou Shalt Not Kill Commandment in the Bible. You must let him live.

The only advice I can think to give you is what you used to tell me when our old boss, Joe, used to pick on me all the time: kill him with kindness.

Or, as Phil says, May the Lord Be with Him. (I'm not quite sure why he chuckled when he said that.)

Harry

To: Harry (ladyharry@freemail.com)
From: Emma Woodhouse (weddingsbywoodhouse@highbury.net)
Subject: Re: Re: I hate weenies!!

Message: Tell Phil I said thanks. What time are we meeting on Friday?

Em

To: Emma 2 (weddingsbywoodhouse@highbury.net)
From: Harry Smith (ladyharry@freemail.com)
Subject: Friday

Message: 6 pm at Luigi's. Make sure everyone else knows!

Harry

To: Emma (emmarose@highbury.net)
From: Philip Elton (reverend_phil@highbury.net)
Subject: Your attachment

Message: Harry's got a bone to pick with you. The message you sent her this afternoon contained a virus. Her computer's completely shut down and is going to have to go to the repairmen tomorrow. Just thought I'd give you a warning to avoid her for the next day or so. You know how she is about the computer since it was the first thing she bought completely on her own.

See you Friday morning for our meeting with Fiona.

Phil

To: Phil Elton (reverend_phil@highbury.net)
From: Emma Woodhouse (emmarose@highbury.net)
Subject: Re: Your attachment

Message: Thanks for the head's up, but I swear it wasn't my fault. That message contained an attachment I got from Susan Vernon----one I never got to read, as it happens----and I accidentally included it in my first e-mail to Harry. Tell her I'm sorry, but only when you're sure it's safe. No need for you to get caught in the crossfire.

Emma

To: Ms. Emma Woodhouse (weddingsbywoodhouse@highbury.net)
From: Susan Vernon (susanvernon@vernonenterprises.com)
Subject: The Do Not Use List

Message: Ms. Woodhouse,

I received your message about the attachment Mr. Rice sent you containing a virus. I regret to inform you that some hoodlum hacker infiltrated our system and managed to leave quite a mess. The e-mail to you was part of that mess and I apologize for any inconvenience it may have brought to you and your business. Please feel free to send any bills for damages you sustained as a result of this incident to me.

I am sending another file containing the list, and again I must remind you of the importance of getting everything just right. Using these people will not insure that. I will presume you've worked with a few of these people in the past, so I would like to remind you now of the confidentiality agreement you signed earlier this week. You are to say nothing to these people if they ask you why you are not using their services.

Susan Vernon

Attachment: Do Not Use List

To: Anna and Jimmy (newlywed03@highbury.net)
From: Emma Woodhouse (weddingsbywoodhouse@highbury.net)
Subject: You gotta be kidding me!

Message: You guys are not gonna believe what Susan Vernon sent me today. This is, quite possibly, the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my life. I've included it as an attachment (do me a favor----have your anti-virus program scan it thoroughly before you open it). Read it, and then come back and read the rest of this.

I mean it. Both of you. Go read, then come back.
...
...
...
Anna, tell Jimmy to stop laughing. This isn't funny.

Every Single Person on that list is someone I've worked with in the past! Some of them I've worked with a lot, and you know I'm good friends with Sheila Morgan at Better Brides Boutique. That's where we found those terrific bridesmaids gowns for your wedding, remember? Yet she's not good enough for Mrs. Vernon and her precious daughter, who I'm coming to hate more by the second...and I haven't even met her yet!! I swear to God, they must've looked up every person I've worked with since I opened up business and put them on that list! I know the girl was engaged before, but there's no way she could've gone through this many people.

I have this terrible feeling I'm going to have to deal with people like that Caroline Bingley down at Bartlett's Bridal for the entire wedding. If that happens, I may have to do something drastic, like have Sheila change her name and say she's some pretentious designer. I'll bet you anything the Barracuda won't remember her and I'll get away with it.

God, first that stupid confidentiality agreement, which she (or that weenie who works for her) have mentioned in every single e-mail they've sent, then the God-awful wedding dress Erica has to wear in order to collect a bazillion dollars from her late father, then a message with a virus attached, and now this. Should I just waste myself and spare the agony?

Em

To: Emma W. (weddingsbywoodhouse@highbury.net)
From: Anna and James Weston (newlyweds03@highbury.net)
Subject: Re: You gotta be kidding me!

Message: Okay, now that Jimmy's stopped laughing, we're answering. I wish you'd sent us an e-mail earlier, because I would've warned you not to work with this woman. Why is she so paranoid? What's the big secret about her daughter's wedding? Is she afraid a competitor is going to steal wedding plans and have a big bash of his/her own before Erica can get hitched?

Jimmy says that you'd be insane not to take the job, because you could definitely use the money and the business you'll be seeing will be improved. I take that to mean they'll actually be paying you, like you should've let us pay you for our wedding. Jimmy also says he's grateful you didn't charge us for organizing things, since the wedding was expensive enough, but never mind that.

Is there any way you can get out of this mess?

Anna

To: Anna and Jimmy (newlyweds03@highbury.net)
From: Emma Woodhouse (weddingsbywoodhouse@highbury.net)
Subject: Re: Re: You gotta be kidding me!

Message: Nope. If I break the deal, the penalty's the same----double the wedding expenses plus $25K. Which I definitely don't have.

Oh, well. My meeting with them is Friday afternoon. Maybe things will get better after I meet Erica. Maybe she can give me some insight as to why they don't want to use anyone on the list.

And maybe I'll wake up tomorrow morning with a body like Madonna's.

Em

To: Emma Woodhouse (weddingsbywoodhouse@highbury.net)
From: Susan Vernon (susanvernon@vernonenterprises.com)
Subject: Our meeting

Message: Ms. Woodhouse,

I think things went well today at our meeting. I'm glad you got the opportunity to meet Erica. I know she didn't say a whole lot, but I'm certain she felt her wedding was in capable hands.

Just a few things before we meet again: I know we talked about having the reception at the Millennium in St. Louis, but I don't know that I really want to have the reception in a hotel. It seems almost impersonal. Matthew has mentioned a couple of places. I'll pass his suggestions along to you.

Next: Matthew is allergic to several things which typically show up in food served at the reception. I'll be sending you a list of his allergies so you'll know what he can and cannot have. Erica is allergic to shellfish and strawberries.

The guest list is currently at two hundred and twenty-six guests. This may go up, depending on Erica. She's made a few friends in high school and college, but I don't know that many of them would want to attend her wedding. I'll have her get in touch with you as needed.

In three weeks, I'll need you to join Erica, Matthew and I on a trip to New York. It's where Erica and Matthew will be having their honeymoon and we were going to check out the honeymoon suites. Erica and Matthew will be registering for gifts and I want you to keep a close watch on Erica to make sure she doesn't try to register for anything ridiculous. (At her last wedding, she tried to arrange for the wedding guests to make contributions to a charity for illiterate women. I told her that a donation on her own is fine, but don't drag people who could care less into her causes.)

Finally, I feel the need to remind you again of our confidentiality agreement, which includes not speaking of this wedding to anyone---friends, family, your dog, whatever. No one needs to know at this time.

Susan Vernon

To: Jordan (highbury_33@hyper1.net)
From: E.W. (paranoid_illinoisan@yahoo.com)
Subject: I hate her, I hate her, I HATE HER!!!

Message: Well, today was the day. I met Erica Vernon for the first time. She's almost the exact opposite of what I thought she'd be. I thought Erica would be just like her mother----to busy to bother with things, but wanting to keep her thumb on them. Tall, elegant, sophisticated. I was actually kind of picturing a smarter Paris Hilton, to be honest.

However----and I think you knew this----Erica is nothing like her mother. Ordinarily, I would be thanking God, because the last thing I need in my life is another Susan Vernon. But when I say she's nothing like her mother, I'm not paying her a compliment. She's so downtrodden and repressed that it's almost worse than if she'd been like the Barracuda. (See? Now you've got me calling her that!)

The only thing that's saving her is that she occasionally puts her foot down. There's definitely something between her and her mother, something that allows Erica to refuse the occasional ridiculous suggestion the Barracuda makes, but whatever it is, it's not enough for her to get out from under her mother's thumb completely. I'm still trying to figure out how Erica ever managed to snag Matthew St. James.

Not that she's unattractive or anything----she's very pretty. She just doesn't seem to have much spark to her, that's all. And any spark she might've had has been extinguished by her mother a long time ago.

Jordan, I swear to God, that woman is going to drive me out of my mind and I've only been working for her for about a week.

I don't think you understand how bad it's been so far. Every day, I get to work and there's at least one phone message and two e-mails. Every e-mail reminds me of that stupid confidentiality agreement Frank told me it was okay to sign. She's got me so paranoid that I created a new e-mail account so I can talk directly to all of you about this wedding!!! Which I'm doing on my laptop rather than the work computer because I'm terrified that the virus she sent me in the mail earlier this week was deliberate so she could monitor my e-mails and make sure I wasn't telling anyone about her daughter's precious double-secret wedding.

She's already got most things organized on her own, which makes me wonder why she thinks she needs me. Maybe she needs someone to boss around and controlling Erica isn't enough of a head rush for her. But if that's the case, WHY ME??? Why? Why? And why did I agree to it? Was I blind? Stupid? Both???

I don't suppose you've got a spare $25K lying around, do you? I need to get away from this woman before she starts sucking my will to live.

Em

To: My Favorite Martian (paranoid_illinoisan@yahoo.com)
From: J. Knightley (highbury_33@hyper1.net)
Subject: I only have four words for you, Em...

Message: I told you so.

J

To: Jordan the Jerk (highbury_33@hyper1.net)
From: E.W. (paranoid_illinosan@yahoo.com)
Subject: I can name that tune in two words...

Message: Drop dead.

Em

To: Emma the Goddess (paranoid_illinoisan@yahoo.com)
From: J. Knightley (highbury_33@hyper1.net)
Subject: Now, now

Message: Is that any way to talk to someone you just asked to borrow twenty-five thousand dollars from? I don't think so. In any event, I have a feeling it's too late for you to back out now. I know you, Em. You won't let this go unfinished. It goes against everything in you. So you may want to kill her, and you'll whine about it to all of us even though you're not supposed to, but you'll get the job done because that's what you do.

And you're damned good at it.

Let your dad know I'll be over about seven, and have fun with the girls tonight.

Jordan

To: Jordan my hero (highbury_33@hyper1.net)
From: E.W. (paranoid_illinoisan@yahoo.com)
Subject: Re: Now, now

Message: Thanks. I'll have tons of fun. And Dad's really looking forward to seeing you.

Emma