Complicated (complete)

Posted on Saturday, 20 August 2005,

The bolded text is a song called Complicated by Carolyn Dawn Johnson.

Thoughts
Song Lyrics

George Knightley looked out the window of his carriage as it pulled away from his house, Donwell Abbey, on his way to visit his brother John Knightley and his sister-in-law, Isabella Woodhouse Knightley, in London. As an old friend of the Woodhouse family, he was welcome at Hartfield as often as he wished. The more he went to Hartfield, however, the more certain thoughts arose in his head. He thought about Emma Woodhouse, Isabella’s beautiful younger sister whose house he had left only a few hours ago. Every time he saw Emma, he couldn’t help but notice how she walked, how beautiful she had become, how much she attracted him. He thought to himself, When had such feelings originated? Do I really love Emma Woodhouse?

I’m so scared that the way that I feel is written all over my face
Whenever you walk into the room I wanna find a hiding place

Frank Churchill had not helped the situation. Frank, the son of Mr. Knightley’s friend Weston, was a young man competing for Emma’s affections. It was not until Frank came to Highbury that Mr. Knightley realized his feelings for Emma. He knew that Emma regarded him as a superior. Mr. Knightley also knew that she greatly respected him. He recollected how, in the past, he had lectured her, and she had ignored him and went her own way. He also remembered how he had so recently endeavored to stay away from her because of his intense passion and love for her. He was afraid of telling her how he felt because he did not want to get hurt.

We used to laugh, we used to hug, the way that old friends do
But now a smile and a touch of your hand just makes me come unglued

He said aloud, to no one but himself, “Damn you, Frank Churchill, damn you for stealing my only hope of happiness! I don’t care if you are my good friend Weston’s son! Damn you!”

Unaccustomed to hearing his master rant and rave so, the footman poked his head inside the carriage and said, “Is everything alright, sir?”

Mr. Knightley was startled out of his thoughts, but replied coolly, “Yes, Frederick. Thank you. Carry on.”

However, not long after the interruption, his mind wandered back to Emma and how he had left her. She had just returned from Miss Bates’ house to apologize for the incident at the picnic last week. She had insulted Miss Bates, and Mr. Knightley had scolded her and lectured her, and it was at that moment, when she was so mad at him and disappointment in herself overshadowed her beautiful face, that he realized that he loved her. He fought these feelings for a week until he sent his brother the message saying that he was coming to visit.

It’s such a contradiction
Do I lie or tell the truth
Is it fact or fiction
Oh, the way I feel for you

Maybe after I go talk to my brother, John, I will be all right. John was his comforter, his best friend. Mr. Knightley knew that if he could talk to anyone candidly and openly about anything, it was John.

It’s so complicated
I’m so frustrated

He had not known how violent his love for her was until a few hours ago, when he had taken leave of her house. Mr. Woodhouse had unconsciously left them alone for a few moments. She began the conversation with some unimportant, trivial matter of mutual knowledge. He listened to her with forbearance and patience. He felt that that was not the right time to declare his love for her. When he rose to leave, he grabbed her hand and kissed it gently. He thought he saw her blush, but he was unsure, so he did not get his hopes up. She asked him where he was going, and he had told her that he was going to London to visit John and Isabella for at least a fortnight.

I wanna hold you close
I wanna push you away
I wanna make you go
I wanna make you stay
Should I say it
Should I tell you how I feel
Oh, I want you to know
But then again I don’t
It’s so complicated

These were some of the thoughts racing through his head as the carriage swiftly proceeded to London.

A week and a half later

As John and Isabella talked, Mr. Knightley couldn’t help but listen. The two of them were talking about Emma. Isabella told Mr. Knightley that she had received a letter from Emma just two days ago. Emma had written that she was doing well, but there was a hint of distress in her manner of writing. Emma wrote that she missed Mr. Knightley’s company. But, there was some good news to relate. Frank Churchill was to be married to Jane Fairfax, Miss Bates’ niece. Mr. Knightley smirked to himself and thought, So, Frank, I see you’ve caught yourself a fine woman. I don’t know how you did it, but I can sincerely wish you and Jane every happiness in marriage. At least you’re out of Emma’s life now, I hope. I wonder how she is taking this news. She seemed okay in the letter. Does she really miss me?

Just when I think I’m under control, I think I finally got a grip
Another friend tells me that my name is always on your lips

Mr. Knightley’s distracted countenance was not lost on Isabella.

The next day, Mr. Knightley announced that he was returning home the next day. He said that he was sorry for such short notice, but it was a matter of immediate concern. When Isabella inquired as to the specific reason, he said that he wanted to see Emma. John and Isabella were not surprised as this and did not object to his leaving. Isabella knew the Emma loved Mr. Knightley, even if Emma would not admit to it.

They say I’m more than just a friend, they say I must be blind
Well, I confess that I’ve seen you watch me from the corner of your eye

On the carriage ride home the next day, his first thoughts were of Emma. He thought, Emma, Emma, Emma, my darling baby Emma. I have watched you grow from birth. I don’t care if you are sixteen years my junior. I love you. I hope you can love me too. I know that you love Frank, but I must tell you my feelings. I cannot keep them bottle up inside anymore. I must tell you.

Oh, it’s so confusing
Yeah, I wish you’d just confess
But think of what I’d be losing
If your answer wasn’t yes

I don’t know what I’d do without you if you married someone else. At least I know that Frank Churchill is out of the picture now. I always knew that I’d find the right woman for me. I didn’t think that it would take this long to find her. And certainly I didn’t think that she would be the woman who I had known since she was born. Oh God! You can’t take her away from me!

I hate it
Cause I’ve waited so long for someone like you
What do I do
Oh, should I say it
Should I tell you how I feel
Oh, I want you to know
But then again I don’t
It’s so complicated
It’s so complicated
It’s so complicated

The rest of the carriage ride home proved to be agonizing because of Mr. Knightley’s earnestness to get home and see Emma.

At the end of the journey, his supper was ready for him at his house. He dismissed it, he couldn’t possibly eat in this state of mind. He decided to walk to Hartfield, which was only a half-mile walk through fields, groves, and meadows of Surrey, the Garden of England. As he passed The Abbey Chapel, he noticed the small footprints of a woman’s shoe. He knew that Emma had been there recently, so he followed the footprints, until he sighted Emma. She was standing at the top of a small hill. She looked radiant silhouetted against the fiery red sunset. The golden blonde of her hair was accented by the mint green gown she had on. Mr. Knightley fell in love with her again. As she turned around to begin returning to her house, she was startled at first when she saw him. She then turned an adorable shade of pink and told him hello. He was so stunned that he could not reply at first; he could only stare. She had grown up in the short two weeks that he had been gone; she had matured emotionally. Had she been having similar thoughts about me? No, she’s just upset about Frank’s marriage. He was unsure of what to say to the woman he loved more than anyone he had every loved before. So he asked her if he could walk her back to her house, and she readily agreed, as if she had been waiting for that request.

The two of them began walking slowly back to the house. As they walked by the stream, they talked of Frank and Jane. Emma admitted that she did not love Frank. This is a good thing. He told her that he envied Frank Churchill in one respect. He would have spoken of his feelings had she not stopped him by saying that he should not say things that he might regret later. He was completely mortified, said a polite thank you, made a slight bow, and stormed off. Emma couldn’t bear to pain him, because she loved him too. It was not before long that she had caught up with him in the willow tree grove near Donwell, and, at that moment, he told her of his love for her. She was stunned at this declaration because for the past two weeks she had thought that she would never be worthy enough to have his love. Emma could not speak for several moments until she declared that she loved him too. At this, he picked up her hand and kissed it gently while looking into her eyes. Her eyes were a beautiful shade of green, a shade he had never noticed until now when she was so close to him. He then asked her to marry him, and she readily accepted. He pulled her close to him and he gently took the kiss he had so long wanted and waited for. For her to love him was a blessing, and he thanked God for Emma and for his happiness as they walked off to Hartfield hand in hand to tell her father.