Posted on Sunday, 6 February 2005, at 10:43 a.m.
A/N: Written for Shemmelle's birthday, 2004. "Hi, I'm An Introvert. Go Away" is a quote from Abigail A. and included with permission.
Mrs BENNET Finally, new blood in the neighbourhood! Go and convince Bingley what a great FIL you would make.
Mr BENNET: Shan't! Anyway, as if he'd look at any of our girls apart from Lizzy.
ELIZABETH: Thank you Daddy.
Mrs BENNET: That's a shame. The sooner we get our daughters off the shelf, the sooner Lydia moves out. - Mr Bennet? Where'd he go?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
BINGLEY: Would it kill you to dance at a dance?
DARCY: Hi, I'm an Introvert. Go Away.
BINGLEY: Go ask that girl, for crying out loud.
DARCY: Nice try, Twinkletoes, but not even a supermodel could tempt me to do the Macarena.
ELIZABETH: OMG I hate him!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
DARCY [leering]: Nice...eyes.
CAROLINE: Whose?
DARCY: Invade people's personal space much? And, definitely not yours.
CAROLINE: I love a man who plays hard to get.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Mrs BENNET: How come that creep gets to turn us out into the hedgerows after you die?
Mr BENNET: Because he is a boy, my morbid flower.
Mrs BENNET: The day will come when women can own property outright...
Mr BENNET: *patronises the crazy*
Mrs BENNET: ...when they don't have to marry sarcastic gits in order to get a life...
Mr BENNET: Fear not, I may live for decades yet.
Mrs BENNET [darkly]: One must...plan for every eventuality. More wine?
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
COLLINS: No Means No? Women! They're from a different planet.
ELIZABETH: Never mind, at least Tom Hollander is playing you in the new P&P. I get Keira Knightley with her Teeth of Evil.
COLLINS: What?
ELIZABETH: ...Nothing.
COLLINS: I'm going to go talk to Charlotte now.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
ELIZABETH: Captain Oily? Are you insane??
CHARLOTTE: He could be a tiger in the bedroom for all you know.
ELIZABETH: Bad...mental...place...
CHARLOTTE: If not at least I get to raise chickens of my own.
ELIZABETH [snottily]: Better to remain a spinster than marry for convenience.
CHARLOTTE: Have fun in your fantasy world!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Mrs BENNET: Making Jane catch pneumonia on the way to Netherfield will lead to interesting romantic developments.
ELIZABETH: Mother, you do know that antibiotics haven't been invented yet?
Mrs BENNET: ...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
DARCY: Jane Bennet is a gold-digger and a tease.
Wimp!BINGLEY: Yes, Darcy.
Mrs HURST: Father may have been a businessman but at least we never had an uncle in Cheapside.
Wimp!BINGLEY: Yes, Louisa.
CAROLINE: I feel that your money is better spent on my dress allowance.
Wimp!BINGLEY: Yes, Caroline.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
COLONEL: You're witty and pretty and great.
ELIZABETH: Have you met my father?
COLONEL: Don't go getting ideas, lady. Poor Man + Poor Girl = Big Problems.
ELIZABETH: At least I have a first name that everybody agrees on.
COLONEL: ...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
DARCY: Your family is trailer trash. Also your big sister is totally leading my best friend on. Now I've got that off my chest, shall we set a date?
ELIZABETH: Go jump in a lake. (Really, it helps.)
DARCY: Women! They're from a different planet.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
LETTER: Thing for underage girls...abduction...lock up your sisters...really dangerous dude, OK?
ELIZABETH: I may not have been thinking with my head about Wickham.
JANE: Against all logic, I blame myself.
ELIZABETH: Should we [a] warn the redcoat fangirls in our family before it's too late, or [b] hide the letter and hope no one finds out what a stupid judge of character I am?
Loyal!JANE: I see no adverse consequences of [b].
ELIZABETH: You're my favourite sister.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
ELIZABETH: Make up for a lifetime of neglect by cancelling Lydia's trip to Brighton.
Mr BENNET: And turn down a chance to send her far, far away? Good one.
ELIZABETH: I'm serious! Though I can't say why without making myself look bad.
Mr BENNET: Ahaha! You're so cute when you try to tell me what to do.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Mr GARDINER: Ooo Major UST Alert, niece.
ELIZABETH: La I have no idea what you mean.
Mrs GARDINER: Obviously Darcy reckons you're hot liek woah. His sister looked impressed too.
ELIZABETH: *blush*
Mrs GARDINER: Then again anyone used to Caroline must be easily pleased.
ELIZABETH: At least I have a first name that everybody agrees on.
Mrs GARDINER: ...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
JANE: Father! Father! Lydia's gone.
Mr BENNET [singing]: Ce-le-brate good times...
KITTY: 'Gone' meaning 'eloped with Wickham'.
Mr BENNET: Dear Lord, in my next life I would like to be an eunuch.
MARY: *says something clever. And yet, stupid.*
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
JANE: Since when are you in love with Mr Constipated?
ELIZABETH: Since I saw his gigantic stately home.
JANE: *laughs herself sick at this witticism*
ELIZABETH: Actually? Not a joke.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Lady CAT: A nobody to marry my nephew? Are the shades of Pemberley to be thus polluted?
ELIZABETH: Hello? I'm not the cheerleader for inbreeding here.
Lady CAT: But who will marry Anne if not Fitzwilliam?
ELIZABETH: Let me tell you about a little thing called fanfiction...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
JANE: Squee!!!!!
ELIZABETH: Bingley took his sweet time.
Mr BENNET [musing]: Do two doormats make a spine? Answers on a postcard.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Mr BENNET [grimly]: We owe your Uncle Gardiner bigtime. I must repay every penny he spent saving Lydia's honour -
MARY: Can you say oxymoron?
ELIZABETH: But Darcy did it all.
Mr BENNET: Hooray, then I don't have to pretend to care any more! Hurry up and tie the knot before he asks for his money back.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
GEORGIANA: My sole function in the novel is to make Darcy look sensitive and respectable.
Mrs REYNOLDS: Join the club.
GEORGIANA: I have dreams, dammit! And non-Wickham-related desires!! I don't deserve to be stuck at Pemberley watching Elizabeth snog my brother.
Mrs REYNOLDS [under her breath]: Never mind going at it like rabbits in the library.
GEORGIANA: What?
Mrs REYNOLDS: Cup of tea?