NOBODY expects....a medieval P&P. No swallows were harmed during the making of this fic

Chapter 1

Posted on Thursday, 30 March 2006

Once upon a time, long long ago, but in the same galaxy as we are, five beautiful maidens were held captive by

"The Duke of Pemberley!" the prison guard announced, and a tall, dark and handsome nobleman walked into the dungeons, followed by "Sir Charles!"

The Duke strutted across the climatologically challenged space and let his eyes wonder over his youthful captives. He passed Lady Jane, who modestly cast her eyes down. Lady Lizzy defiantly looked him in the eye and Lady Mary stared into the void. Lady Kitty trembled and Lady Lydia leered at him. The Duke looked very displeased and he whispered a few words to Sir Charles, who said something back pointing to Lady Jane. The Duke nodded and Sir Charles suddenly looked very happy.

"Oh Lady Jane! I'm so glad you made it back alive! Did he hurt you, beat you, torture you?" Lady Lizzy asked.

"It wasn't that bad." Lady Jane said with a stupid grin.

"But what about your virtue?"

"Oh well," Lady Jane said airily. "innocence lost, experience gained."

"We'll have to be philosophers." Lady Mary said.

"That’s it! I'm going to kill him!" Lady Lizzy exclaimed.

"Don't kill my baby!" Lady Jane cried.

"No, I'm going to kill the Duke of Pemberley. It's all his fault." She looked around the dungeons "Hey you!" she called the prison guard "Want a kissie?"

Through the bars, she kicked him in the (...), took the keys and stole his dagger. Then she walked up the stairs in search of her nemesis.

That didn't prove too hard, she just followed the tourist trail.

"And this door leads to the Duke of Pemberley's private quarters." the tour guide said. "Of course they are not accessible to visitors. And over here..." and the group moved on.

"Excuse me?" Lady Lizzy asked one of the guards. "The Duke of Pemberley said he wanted to see me."

"Password?" he asked uninterested.

"Huh?"

He nodded. "You may go in."

She entered the apartment and saw the Duke writing at his desk. He looked up. "Lady Lizzy! What are you doing here?"

She now realized that she hadn't given this part of the plan much thought. She considered throwing the dagger, but knew that she wasn't very good at it. Poor dog.

Better by stealth then. "Uhm, I was wondering if I could borrow your quill."

"Funny, I was just writing a letter to Baron Gardiner asking for your ransom, so I guess you won't be needing it." He stood up and walked towards her.

Now or never, she thought and launched at his throat, and in one swift movement.....she was lying on the stone floor pinned down by the Duke.

The guards rushed into the room, alarmed by the sound of a struggle and rude swearing.

“I've got it covered." the Duke said and he got up. "I'm not a total wimp you know, like the mirror says.

"And the sun." one of the guards said between coughs.

"What was that?" the Duke sharply inquired. "And I'd like to know why you fools! didn't search her. She was carrying a dagger!"

"Well," the guard said. "Linda's having a coffee break and you said..."

"Oh, shut up!" The Duke turned to Lady Lizzy. "Now, about you..."

"Do you want her hanged or burned?" one of the guards eagerly proposed.

The Duke paid him no attention. "First, I'd like to know why you tried to assassin me."

"You killed my father!" Lady Lizzy cried indignantly.

"The Earl of Longbourn killed my father."

"He was invading our land!" Lady Lizzy replied.

"Because you shot one of my men." the Duke explained patiently.

"He killed my cousin."

"Your cousin was poaching on my grounds."

Lady Lizzy sighed. "Sir Colin is...was not very bright. I guess he was probably lost."

"Well, I suppose my men can get a bit trigger-happy at times." The Duke said apologetically. "Were you very attached to him?"

"Actually I couldn't stand the creepy bastard." she admitted.

"Well let's just say it was a series of unfortunate events then. So, we won’t mention the war.” The Duke continued: “You still have to give me a good reason for trying to kill me though."

"You locked me up in your dungeons!"

"It's perfectly acceptable for hostile powers to take prisoners of war, and I assure you that you're being treated in accordance with the Geneva Convention."

"And does that include (...)ing out my sister?!"

"I was under the impression that she didn't object very much. But maybe you'd like me to get her and ask her opinion?"

Lady Lizzy swallowed. African or European? you may ask. "And you burned down my Castle!"

"Really? I honestly can't recall doing any such thing. I do however remember someone lighting the tapestries yelling: You're never gonna get it!"

Lady Lizzy tried not to look guilty.

The Duke added: "A shame really, I thought it would have made a nice hunting lodge. So, do you have any more grievances?"

Lady Lizzy was silent.

"Well, then I guess I'll just have to hang you. However, it's your lucky day! I think I like a girl with some spirit. So I guess I'll see you tonight then."

"I'd rather ROT in H..!" and then she was knocked out.

"Idiot!" the Duke exclaimed. "Now she's going to have a bruise!" and he had the guard executed.

Chapter 2

“Can I offer you a drink?” the Duke asked.

He wants to poison me, Lady Lizzy thought and she eyed the cup suspiciously.

“Pretty, isn’t it?” the Duke remarked. “It’s a souvenir from one of my business trips to the Middle East.”

“So uhm, how many Crusades have you taken part in?” Lady Lizzy asked curiously.

“About four or five.” he replied casually. “I mean, one we got stuck in the Alps, does that count?”

Lady Lizzy was all astonishment.

“But,” he continued. “I always say nothing keeps a man young like a stiff drink every now and then.” And he emptied the goblet in one large gulp. “Speaking of... Now come here, my darling.”

Lady Lizzy looked around for a weapon, and she swiftly pulled a sword from a block of granite.

“By the way, what’s that doing in your bedchamber?” She was pointing to the large rock.

“Feng Shui.” the Duke replied. “Watch out with that sword!” he exclaimed, as she swung it menacingly above her head. “You’ll hurt yourself!” he spoke worriedly.

“Only as a last resort.” Lady Lizzy replied “I’ll try to hurt you first!” and she approached him with a dangerous look in her dark eyes.

The Duke quickly pulled another sword from underneath his pillow and they faced each other.

“I’ll defend my honour even if it’s the last thing I do!”

“But if I win, will you promise to be mine for all eternity?”

“Deal. But I say: Fat chance! I’m going to kick your (...)!” Lady Lizzy threatened.

“Well, in that highly improbable case you will be free to go. And I’ll give you back your land, your gold and your frilly underwear.”

“You went through my underwear chest?!”

“I saved it from the fire; you should be grateful.” The Duke looked pensive. “You know what, I’ll even rebuild Longbourn Castle.”

“With central heating.” Lady Lizzy demanded sternly.

“Alright.” He gave her a roguish smile. “Your nights will be cold without me.”

“And I want Lady Jane back!”

“Let’s say your sister can do whatever she wants in that case?”

Lady Lizzy grudgingly agreed to the terms.

“Now if you’ll just sign here....”

Lady Lizzy put the quill to the parchment.

“A cross?” the Duke exclaimed and he quickly checked her pulse.

"My fingers,” said Lady Lizzy, “do not move over this parchment in the masterly manner which I see so many women's do. They have not the same force or rapidity, and do not produce the same expression.”

“Meaning?”

“I can’t write.” she clarified. “But then I have always supposed it to be my own fault -- because I would not take the trouble of practicing.”

Despite this slight defect in her education, the Duke soon learned that Lady Lizzy was very skilled at sword fighting, and he expressed his surprise.

“Such of us as wished to learn never wanted the means,” she replied and made a clever offensive move. “and we had all the masters that were necessary.”

He had managed to block her attack, but was highly impressed all the same. “You cannot have been always at Longb...Watch out for the cameraman!”

“Oops. Sorry, dude.”

They continued their fierce duel, and it was obvious that they were a well-matched pair. Lady Lizzy couldn’t help but admire the way he swung his blade with skill and precision, and realized she had not fought such a worthy opponent since her father died. She began now to comprehend that he was exactly the man who, in disposition and talents, would most suit her.

At last he backed her against a column (very early Renaissance) with his sword on her pretty neck. Lady Lizzy sighed: “I’m yours.” and she fluttered her eyelids.

The Duke smiled and he leaned over to claim her chaste lips.

With one forceful thrust Lady Lizzy shoved him against the wall and pointed her sword at his throat. “And you’re mine!” And she kissed him hard.

Two swords clattered to the floor, followed by various articles of...uhm, I’m sure you can imagine what happened next.

And they lived happily ever after. Well, perhaps they weren’t happy all the time, but they did almost live forever. Until one day they had a fight and Lady Lizzy ‘accidentally’ threw the Holy Grail in the moat, and then they died.

THE END