The Father’s Support Group

Posted on Sunday, 18 June 2006

Mr. Bennet: A-hem! This meeting shall now be brought to order.

Sir Walter Elliot: Excuse me good sir, but who put you in charge of this meeting? I am a baronet, and therefore should be the head of this little gathering. Besides, don’t you think you’re a little old to be doing anything?

Mr. Bennet: *ignores Sir Elliot*

General Tilney: Let’s get on with it. I don’t want to be wasting any of my time.

Mr. Bennet: I believe that we will start this time with Sir William Lucas. I believe he has some rather *cough* interesting news for us.

Sir William Lucas: Capital! My daughter Charlotte has recently become engaged.

*applause*

Thank you. Yes, she recently became in engaged to a Rev. William Collins, who is under the patronage of Lady Catherine de Bourgh…

Sir Walter Elliot: *snort*

Sir William Lucas:…and he is to inherit Longbourn. I shall have to present them at St. James…

Mr. Weston: Say, isn’t that your estate, Mr. Bennet?

Mr. Bennet: I assure you it is, as my wife reminds me daily of it. *rolls eyes*

Mr. Woodhouse: This is a sad business indeed. Marriage is was of the most dreadful things that can occur to one during his life. Nothing breaks up one’s circle more than marriage.

Mr. Weston: Surely it must changes things, but it isn’t always an unpleasant change. You can’t mean that you want Emma to never marry.

Mr. Woodhouse: Oh, you don’t need to go putting marriage into her head.

Mr. Weston: But it was mine and Mrs. Weston’s idea that Emma and Frank should be married so that we might at last be family.

Mr. Woodhouse: Poor Miss Taylor.

Mr. Bennet: I wish I only had one daughter to marry off. Instead I have 5. Never was a family more cursed.

Sir Thomas Bertram: Well, my little Maria just moved up her own wedding. Finally met the chap. As dim as…

Sir Walter Elliot: Yes, but how does he look?

Sir Thomas Bertram: Well…

Sir Walter Elliot: What matters is one’s appearance. This is why Anne never married. She did not look well.

Charles Musgrove: I thought she looked well enough. I would have married her.

Mr. Woodhouse: *Gasp* But you are married to her younger sister! And have two children.

Charles Musgrove: Yes, two strong boys. Although one of them decided to fall out of a tree. You cannot comprehend what I had to go through with my wife’s screeching.

Mr. Bennet: If I tried really hard, I think I could.

General Tilney: What about your girls, Mr. Bennet?

Mr. Bennet: Don’t get me started.

Sir Thomas Bertram: Yes, how are your girls? I haven’t the slightest idea of what to do with my niece, Fanny. She has an absolutely splendid suitor, but will not give him the time of day. I say she should marry him!

Mr. Bennet: I don’t think I could give you way of much advice. My eldest just got her heart broken and my Lizzy only has violent hatred for the man who loves her and turned down a proposal from another, um, man the other day. And if I hear another word about officers from my two youngest girls, I swear I will pull my hair out.

Mr. Weston: Don’t you have another girl?

Mr. Bennet: Maybe.

John Dashwood: Have you any money for the girls?

Mr. Bennet: Not enough to bribe worthless men to marry them.

John Dashwood: Well, in that case, as much as I would love to have them as charming sisters-in-law, they cannot marry either of my brothers-in-law. Nor can they marry my son.

General Tilney: Your son is four years old.

John Dashwood: Yes, but he’s quite a mature four years old. Superior to all other four year olds, I am sure.

Sir William Lucas: Capital! Capital!

*John Willoughby burst through the doors*

John Willoughby: *panting* Am I too late?

General Tilney: What are you doing here?

John Willoughby: This is the Father’s Support group, isn’t it?

General Tilney: Yes. What are you doing here?

John Willoughby: *blushes* Well, I’m a father now.

John Dashwood: But you just left my poor half sister and got yourself engaged to £50,000, I mean Miss Gray! Oh…

John Willoughby: Yes, and that’s why I had to leave Marianne. She will forever be the woman I love. And that’s why I’m here. I had a child, my Aunt found out, and now I can’t marry Marianne.

Mr. Bennet: *looks amused* Well Gentlemen, I believe that will conclude…

General Tilney: Wait! I haven’t said a word about my children.

*pause*

Mr. Bennet: Well…

General Tilney: It seems that Henry might do alright for himself after all. None of this church stuff. It looks as if he captured the fancy of an heiress. My daughter Eleanor has invited her to stay with her at the house. Now if only my eldest would follow suit and stop leading on completely worthless girls. Though it might put them in their place for thinking they could marry above their station.

Sir Walter Elliot: Those of the lower class should never aspire to marry those who are decidedly above them.

Sir Thomas Bertram: Is that why Elizabeth isn’t married?

Sir Walter Elliot: Elizabeth is still in fine form and needs not be married at present. Besides, my heir’s wife just died. Maybe he’ll reconsider marrying my daughter.

Mr. Woodhouse: You should keep her unmarried. A wedding brings nothing but change and sorrow.

Mr. Bennet: Anything else? No? Good. We will now conclude this session. I wish you luck this upcoming month with your children. Until our next meeting.

The End