Beginning, Section III
Chapter 25
Posted on Wednesday, 25 October 2006
Jane felt like some sort of strange codfish, standing with her tear-streaked face turned upward and her mouth gaping open. Her shock and surprise could not have registered any more clearly; they were there like beacons in her eyes. She also found herself completely incapable of speech, and she had no earthly idea what she would say if she could speak. Her mind could not seem to carry out any of its normal functions. Her feet turned to two blocks of stone and she didn't know if they would ever be able to carry her from that spot on the road to Meryton where the man she had loved, the man who had disappeared from her life all those months ago, had suddenly reappeared without warning. That was why she couldn't compose herself, she thought to herself as her brain began to function somewhat normally again.
She had no forewarning of his appearance, and her emotions were already in a tumult because of the two letters she had just finished reading from her Aunt Gardiner. That was the explanation for why her heart seemed to dance inside her at the sight of him, the reason that the world now seemed to burst forth with dazzling light when just a short while ago everything was cloaked in a veil of darkness.
She could conjure up nothing reasonable to account for his presence, however. It was too early for the hunting season, and there was really nothing else to draw him back to Hertfordshire from London. Unless he had returned for... no, she would not even consider that possibility. Surely Mr. Bingley no longer had any feelings for her and probably never had in the first place. She would not even delude herself with the thought that his motives for this strange meeting could be anything along those lines.
For his part, Mr. Bingley was having a hard time believing his luck and so after his initial greeting had gone as mute as Jane. He did have the presence of mind to dismount from his horse so she wouldn't have to be staring up at him like a statue of some great war hero. When he felt his feet touch the ground, he grabbed the reins a bit more tightly than usual since he was feeling a bit weak in the knees. His mount objected to the extra pressure, threw back his head, tossed it to the side, and managed to shake Mr. Bingley off balance until he stumbled backwards and landed directly on the seat of his riding pants.
Mr. Bingley's mortification could not be measured. His attempt to be gallant and charming, to try to secure the hand of the angelic Miss Bennet was off to a most inauspicious beginning. Neither one of them could seem to speak, and he had just showed himself to be clumsy and completely ungraceful. Jane was instantly alarmed at his fall, so much so that she couldn't even take the time to be amused at the moment. She was shaken out of her temporary stupor and rushed forward, bending down and saying,
"Oh dear! Mr. Bingley, are you alright? Are you hurt? Here, let me help you."
She took his hand and tried to pull him up, but she had not braced herself properly for the effort. She stumbled backwards, lost hold of his hand and fell ungraciously in much the same way she had just watched Mr. Bingley do. So there they sat, the two of them, on the road to Meryton; the man looking for a second chance, and the woman who had tried so unsuccessfully to rid her mind and heart of him.
They tentatively allowed their eyes to meet, and then something occurred which had never happened in the whole course of their acquaintance. In the positions they both found themselves in, positions which could have been utterly humiliating, their guards went down. And as if they had both realized the unique humor of it all at the same moment, they both began to laugh. Softly at first, then louder, the rich deep chuckle of Mr. Bingley mixed with the lighter sweeter laugh of Miss Bennet. Soon, they were both laughing so hard that tears began to roll down both of their faces, and every time they seemed ready to compose themselves, they would catch each other's eyes and it would start all over again.
Mr. Bingley was holding his sides as they began to ache from laughing, and Miss Bennet was trying to wipe her cheeks as the tears of mirth replaced the tears of relief she had shed as she read her aunt's letters. One can only guess what any passerby might have deduced from such a scene, not to mention what opinions Miss Bingley or Mrs. Bennet might have offered about their apparent lack of decorum. But for the man and woman sitting on the road to Meryton, none of that mattered. They both needed a release, a way to start over again, and as their laughter finally began to die down and their eyes met again, they both realized that they had found it.
Both of them pushed themselves back to their feet and dusted themselves off, with Mr. Bingley giving a mocking scolding to the horse that had sent him to the ground. It felt so wonderful, so right, and so comfortable to be back with her again. Suddenly, Jane looked down at the now considerably wrinkled letters she held in her hand, and she realized that she had yet to share the news contained in them with her mother and sisters and the rest of the household at Longbourn. Surely they would want to hear the wonderful news of Lizzy's recovery and that arrangements were being made for Lydia and Wickham's wedding. She said,
"Mr. Bingley, I am sorry to have to leave you, but I must return to Longbourn at once. There is news in these letters that my family must hear."
Mr. Bingley let some of the reason for his presence slip somewhat when he replied, "Have you received news of either of your sisters? Has your youngest sister been found? What about Miss Elizabeth, is there news of her condition?"
Jane had absolutely no idea how he knew about any of that, but she was touched by his look of concern and the sympathetic tone of his voice. She felt that she couldn't help but step into his confidence, knowing he could be trusted. She replied,
"My Aunt Gardiner has sent me news of both of them. My uncle and Mr. Darcy have found Lydia and Wickham. They are not yet married, but hopefully they will be very soon. All the arrangements are being made right now. It is such a relief! But that is nothing compared to the news about Lizzy! She is awake! She is recovering and my aunt says she should have no permanent injury! My mother and sisters must be told at once! We have all been so worried."
Mr. Bingley nodded his agreement and gave a sigh that indicated how relieved he was to hear both pieces of news. He also recognized an opportunity when he saw one, and being so unwilling to part from her now that he was with her again, he asked,
"Would you allow me to escort you home, Miss Bennet?"
Jane, who had now returned to her normal demure self, simply lowered her eyes and nodded her head. She might not have been willing to acknowledge it yet, but as they headed off toward Longbourn together, Mr. Bingley could feel them picking up right where they had left off all those long months ago. She was even more beautiful, even more sweetly angelic than he remembered, and their moments of laughter together had been like a feast after a long span of hunger. This time, he vowed to himself, the ending would be different. This time, there would be no parting. This time, he would not give up so easily. This time, it would be forever.
Home -- The thought of it was the only thing that would get him through this day. His reserved demeanor was turning out to be very useful as he prepared to witness the wedding ceremony of Lydia Bennet and George Wickham. It was true that his love for Elizabeth had helped him to change a great many things about his personality, had opened him up to people in a new way, but being able to revert back to his old self was advantageous in undesirable situations such as this. It allowed him to tune out the excited babble of Elizabeth's younger sister and to control his continuing desire to repeat his beating of his childhood companion. It also gave him the perfect cover for his private thoughts, which always allowed him to drift back home.
Home -- to Pemberley, where he had never been more eager to go than right now. He was not simply looking forward to the peace of the gardens or the comfort of his library; he was not merely looking to escape from the nearly unbearable presence of the soon-to-be Mr. and Mrs. Wickham. No, this homecoming was more eagerly anticipated and thought of and dreamed of than any other he had ever known for one simple reason. He had fantasized ever since his realization that he was in love with Elizabeth Bennet that someday, if he was called away from Pemberley for some reason, that he would have the joy and certainty of knowing that she would be there, waiting for him when he returned.
During the time after her rejection of his first proposal of marriage, it was a fantasy that had increased in frequency, but decreased in the likelihood that it would ever happen. Now, even though the fantasy was not complete in the sense that Elizabeth was not awaiting him as his wife, it was still sweeter than it had been in months. Indeed, if Mr. Darcy allowed himself a moment of objectivity and rationality, he truly had no idea of how Elizabeth was going to respond to him when he returned to Pemberley.
Would she be looking forward to seeing him, or would she be dreading it? Would she be willing to explore the possibility that he had changed, or would she assume that to be impossible? Could she ever love him, or even be friends with him?
Mr. Darcy tried not to dwell too much on these questions just now. The important thing was that she was alive, she was at Pemberley, and he would be with her soon. Even with the idealized version he was playing out in his head as they pulled up to the church, a small sigh escaped him at the task ahead. He had to stand with Wickham as he married Lydia Bennet; a marriage that he thought was completely ill-advised but also completely unavoidable. He would not allow George Wickham to stain any other woman's reputation, especially that of his Elizabeth.
It was amazing to him, he thought with an inward smile, how quickly his thoughts returned to her. Any train of thought could lead him to think of Elizabeth, so completely did she fill his senses. They were finally standing before the minister, and as "Dearly beloved" began to echo through the mostly empty church, Darcy let his mind drift once again.
He dreamed he was standing in such a church with Elizabeth at his side, taking the solemn vows to love and honor her for the rest of their lives. He dreamed of the sparkle in her eyes as she said her vows back to him, dreamed of the joy that would swell in his heart as she became Mrs. Darcy.
With more force than he had felt it that entire day, he wanted this wedding ceremony to be over. As soon as it was, the couple would be sent on their way to Longbourn for a visit before Wickham headed off to his new regiment in the north. Mr. Darcy and Mr. Gardiner would finally be on their way back to Pemberley to be reunited with Mr. Bennet, Mrs. Gardiner, and Elizabeth -- Home... Home…to Elizabeth. It was finally happening. He would finally get his chance, his second chance to prove himself worthy of her. His only problem was that he didn't know if he could wait any longer.
Chapter 26
Elizabeth Bennet prided herself on the functioning of her mind. She had always had a quick, sharp wit and her reasoning was usually quite sound. She was practical enough to know that her mind would probably last much longer than her looks, so she placed great value on the improvement and maintenance of her mental faculties. After she awoke from the trauma of her accident, she needed to be reassured by the doctor that everything in her head would be alright, that she had not lost any of the capabilities that she so treasured. Dr. Shelton had done an excellent job of laying her fears to rest.
However, Elizabeth Bennet now was seriously considering the possibility that she was losing her mind, and not because of any trauma to her head. Elizabeth had never been an idle woman, and the enforced inactivity of bed rest during her recuperation was slowly driving her mad. She had been staring at the same four walls ever since she woke up. They were very nice walls, and she could not complain about the comfort of her surroundings or the attentiveness of the Pemberley staff and her own relatives. But Lizzy was used to doing things for herself, and the feelings of helplessness and boredom at being confined to bed were growing steadily unbearable. She could catch a glimpse outside the windows of the glorious summer days at Pemberley, and she heard great reports of the grandeur of the grounds and gardens, but she was trapped. It did not sit well. But the confinement of her recuperation would have been easier to bear had it not been for the other cause that felt as though it was pushing her to the brink of insanity.
Her aunt and father did a good job of keeping her company, especially due to their tendency to hover over her as if she could relapse at any second. But even their presence did very little to quiet the never-ending questions running rampant in her mind about Mr. Darcy. And no matter how long she pondered them, no matter how hard she worked to try to come to some understanding of the situation, she always came back to the same questions over and over again.
The man and her relationship to him seemed to be like a puzzle, and none of the pieces fit: what she knew of him from Hertfordshire, the opinion she had held of his disposition and character, the letter he had given her at Hunsford, the belief that her actions that day had turned him away from her forever, and the reports she was hearing about his actions during her illness and now with her sister. The questions plagued her, would not let her rest, were a thorn in her side and in her mind. And she was growing more confused and more frantic by the hour, knowing that he was soon to return, that soon she would have to face him again.
She had attempted to convince Dr. Shelton that she was ready to travel so that she could return to Longbourn before he made the journey back from London, but her efforts had been completely unsuccessful. Dr. Shelton would not take any chances; she had to remain at Pemberley. Correspondence between her uncle and her father had indicated that the new Mr. and Mrs. Wickham were headed for Longbourn after their wedding. This had taken some convincing of Mr. Bennet, but finally he had yielded in an attempt to lessen the force of the scandal. Thus, since it was necessary for Mr. Bennet to return to Longbourn to "welcome" his daughter and new son-in-law, and since Mrs. Gardiner felt it necessary to retrieve her own children from Longbourn, the two of them were set to travel there as soon as Mr. Gardiner and Mr. Darcy returned from London.
Mr. Gardiner would remain with Lizzy at Pemberley until she was fit enough to return to Longbourn herself. This had all been arranged so that there was no possibility for Lizzy to escape at least a few days in Mr. Darcy's company. But in all her confusion, Lizzy was not even sure that she wanted to escape. She was curious, she was intrigued, and she needed answers. Somehow she knew that the only way she would get them is if she was able to spend time observing Mr. Darcy's behavior for herself. She had to see with her own eyes whether or not the reports were really true.
"Had he really changed so drastically from the proud, arrogant man I had known in Hertfordshire and Kent? And if so, had he changed for me? Could he possibly still have feelings for me after my horrible behavior to him when he first proposed? Why would he have behaved so pleasantly with my family? Why would he have placed himself in contact with Wickham to help my sister? Why would he have opened his home and left such extravagant instructions for his servants? How will he act when I see him again? Will he despise me for my new connection to Wickham? Will he resent my presence in his house? Will he try to get rid of me quickly? So many questions running through her mind.
But what baffled her the most: How does he really feel about me? How do I want him to feel about me?
Elizabeth knew she had been terribly unjust in her judgment of his character, so deep down she knew she deserved nothing but his wrath. If he felt only contempt for her, she would regret it, but it would be easy to accept as her due for her actions.
Do I want to be just his friend? Do I want his love? I will not really know until I can see him again, talk to him, and observe him with my family. Has he really changed? If so, how should I respond?
Lizzy's consternation was written all over her face, and she was ready to growl her frustration out loud when her Aunt Gardiner knocked on the door. Lizzy knew what she had to do -- she had to get up, she had to get dressed, and she had to get out of the house. She felt stronger and stronger every day, and she had always gone walking when she needed to clear her head. If there was ever a time that she had needed clarity, this was it. Lizzy had to convince her aunt that she was ready to venture outdoors, so she pounced as soon as the door opened.
"Aunt, will you please call for a bath for me? I would like to get up and take a stroll around the grounds."
Mrs. Gardiner had sensed Lizzy's mounting frustration at being confined to bed. She knew her niece was going stir-crazy. But she was concerned that Lizzy wasn't yet ready to begin to pick up her normal activities.
"Lizzy, I am not sure if this would be a wise thing to do? Perhaps we should ask Dr. Shelton first what he thinks before you go outside."
Lizzy hung onto her patience and pleaded, "Please, I do not want my recovery to be hindered any more than you do. I would not be asking for this if I felt I was not strong enough. Indeed, I feel my recovery would be aided by allowing me fresh air and some exercise. I want to wear real clothes and get outside these walls. Please, Aunt, please let me."
Mrs. Gardiner knew Lizzy was right, but she was still not going to yield without a concession. "All right, Lizzy. But I am going with you. Do not worry, I will give you time to wander, but I just want to make sure I am outside with you in case something happens and you need me."
Lizzy was disappointed, but she knew it would make her aunt feel better if she could supervise her time outside. "Very well. Let us see if I can actually look like a normal woman again for my return to the world," she replied with a smile.
In just a short while, Lizzy was clean, dressed, had her hair in some kind of order, and was slowly making her way down the stairs and out to the soft and peaceful summer day in Derbyshire. Lizzy had never seen the outside environment at Pemberley before, and she let out many gasps of awe and delight at what she saw. The house seemed to be perfectly situated both standing out from the environment and seemed to blend with it all at once. Such beauty and harmony were rarely to be seen, even in all the grand estates she had toured previously. Her aunt took a seat on a bench in one of the more formal gardens, and Lizzy decided to wander down and get a closer look at the pond and stream. As it turned out, Lizzy was going to need her aunt's help on this day, if only to help her find her lost composure.
Darcy was annoyed with himself. He had been dreaming, wishing, planning, and preparing for the moment of his return to Pemberley and to Elizabeth since the moment he left. Now that the moment was finally upon him, now that the carriage which held both he and Mr. Gardiner was finally making its way up the long twisting drive to the main house, he did not know if he was ready to go the rest of the way. His emotions were swirling around in his head, and they had been building and shifting during the entire trip from London. He just needed a little more time. He needed to try to clear his head and really prepare himself for what he was going to encounter when he entered the house. Some of his anticipation had given way to anxiety, and he needed to calm himself.
It seemed as if the entire possibility of happiness in his future was resting in the next few days, and the weight of that thought became heavier with each mile. He needed more time. He was dusty, he was tired, and he was emotionally drained. To the great surprise of Mr. Gardiner, Darcy suddenly pounded on the wall of the carriage with his fist and called out to the driver,
"Stop the coach!"
Mr. Gardiner was very concerned, and asked, "Is there anything wrong? Why are we stopping?"
"If you will forgive me, sir, I believe I would like to walk the rest of the way to the house. Please take the carriage and go on without me, I will be along shortly."
"As you wish, sir, take all the time you need."
Mr. Gardiner thought he had an idea of what Mr. Darcy's reasons were for his sudden desire for exercise, so he merely shook his head as Darcy exited the carriage. He could only hope that his niece would be gentle with Darcy's feelings in the days to come. He did not know if he had ever seen a man so besotted.
Darcy hardly knew where he wanted to go on his walk, but he found himself making his way towards the pond at the head of the stream. The summer sun was performing a sparkling dance on the water, and it seemed to draw him in, mesmerizing him. His mind flew immediately to the sparkle in his beloved's eyes as he gazed at the water, and he knew suddenly that taking a swim was just what he needed. He could wash away the travel dust and sweat, clear his head, and then he could sneak into the house and groom himself thoroughly for his encounter with Elizabeth.
He removed his coat and sank down on it in the deep wild grasses by the pond. The cravat that seemed to have been choking him for hours went next. For a few moments, he just sat there, staring off into the distance, replaying for the millionth time in his mind what their meeting again would be like, trying out all the different scenarios.
Very soon, I will have to make it happen. I will have to show her that I have changed to make myself worthy of her.
With this resolve, he got to his feet and made a firm, smooth dive into the pond. He pushed through the cooling water, letting it flow over him, letting the water's properties sooth and calm him. When he emerged back to the surface, pushing back up towards the sun, he felt almost reborn. He was still nervous. Indeed, he would have doubted his humanity if he had not been so nervous. But now he felt ready to take the initiative. He was ready to try to win back the woman of his heart. He felt he was in control. He would take it slow so as not to scare her away, and hopefully there would not be any surprises.
Darcy gathered his belongings, hanging his discarded garments over his arm as he made his way back towards the house. Since he was no longer fit to be seen before his guests, his plan was to sneak in through the servant's entrance and make his way up to one of the guest rooms. He would call for his valet, who would retrieve some clean clothes for him, and then he would find Elizabeth.
But fate has a different plan, as one of the formal gardens came into view, all of his well-laid plans flew out the window in an instant. The moment had come. Elizabeth Bennet and Fitzwilliam Darcy were face to face once again. Composure, control, and preparation were all lost. Surprise, embarrassment, and confusion took their places.
Lizzy found her tongue first, but all she could get out was the exclamation,
"Mr. Darcy!"
Not only was she completely astonished that he was suddenly before her, as if all her thoughts of him had managed to cause his appearance, but she could not help but notice that he was missing some of his clothing and he was dripping wet. She knew she should not look; it was not proper, but she could not help it.
He responded with the only words that would form for him:
"Miss Bennet!"
He was mortified; this was not among the scenarios he had thought about for days and days. For her to see him like this, unable to speak a whole sentence and completely disheveled from his swim, was along the lines of a nightmare. However, he could not help but notice that in spite of her recent injuries, her beauty was still enough to take his breath away. She had not regained all her color yet, her eyes had yet to come back to their full depth and sparkle, her hair seemed to have dulled slightly from her time in bed, and she was still so lovely it made him ache with longing. He snapped himself out of his haze long enough to listen to her attempt at conversation.
She was saying, "I had no idea you were back, and I had no idea I would meet you out here."
"I decided to take a walk before I returned to the house. And do I find you and your family in good health?" He could think of nothing else to say.
"Yes, we are all in good health, thank you. I am recovering well." She was still slightly tongue-tied from his appearance.
"I am glad to hear it. I have just arrived."
"Yes."
"And your parents are in good health, and all your sisters at Longbourn?"
Lizzy could not help but chuckle slightly, even though her lack of composure was showing as much as his was. "Yes, they are all in excellent health as far as I know, sir."
Darcy was aware of her looks and knew he had to retreat and make his physical appearance more acceptable for company, so he simply said, "Please excuse me," and hurried off across the lawn to the house.
Lizzy's aunt had arrived from the garden just as Mr. Darcy was disappearing, and Lizzy's mortification was hitting her all at once.
"Oh, what am I doing here? Why could I not have waited to come outside? Why could I not have found a way to leave Pemberley before he arrived?
She must look a fright from the accident, and she didn't know if she was ready to accept his wrath after all. Her aunt was trying to find out what had happened, but Lizzy was already making her way back to the house. With any luck, she could bury herself in the room she was using and not come out again until it was time for her to leave. It took a long time to get back to the main entrance of the house, for they had wandered rather far afield at Lizzy's request.
To her surprise, just as she and her aunt were entering into the courtyard at the front of the house, Mr. Darcy reappeared, fully dressed and ready to receive them properly. He was apologizing for not being in a position to do his duties as host as soon as he arrived, he was expressing his delight in seeing her aunt again, and Lizzy was stunned. He didn't seem angry at her, he was not reserved and haughty, and he seemed to be making a genuine effort to make her not feel like an intruder, but like an honored guest. Her questions were beginning to be answered.
Was it really possible? It seemed to be so, and the transformation is happening before my eyes.
She allowed Mr. Darcy to lead her back into the house, and she tried to reconcile herself to the idea that she had to get to know him all over again. To her continued surprise, it was not such an unpleasant thought.
Chapter 27
Posted on Saturday, 28 October 2006
Thinking about this chapter reminds me of one of my favorite Disney movies of all time, "Beauty and the Beast." Not that our Darcy is a beast of course, but in the words of the inhabitants of the enchanted castle, "We'll wait and see, a few days more, there may be something there that wasn't there before." Enjoy! ~erinmarie
The morning would bring the departure of Mrs. Gardiner and Mr. Bennet from Pemberley, so naturally it was imperative for all the current guests and residents of Pemberley to make the most of the time remaining. Important communications needed to be made, opportunities seized, messages delivered. Mrs. Gardiner was anxious to be reunited with her husband after his absence, especially considering she was to be separated from him again on the morrow.
After recovering from the rather shocking sight of Mr. Darcy wearing far less than the usual amount of clothing and in far less than its usual state of dryness, Mrs. Gardiner returned to the inner courtyard outside the front entrance with Lizzy. Lizzy's distress from her encounter with the master of Pemberley was much more acute than her aunt's, and Mrs. Gardiner was being careful to observe the reactions of the gentleman and lady to the renewal of their acquaintance.
The embarrassment of their first encounter seemed to overwhelm every other emotion, but suddenly Mr. Darcy appeared before them again, having emerged from the house and apologizing eloquently and profusely for his improper state and his inability to receive them according to his duty. He still wasn't quite perfectly put together in his appearance, Mrs. Gardiner noticed, but he had obviously been in a great hurry. Lizzy would have noticed it too, but she seemed unable to lift her eyes to look fully into the dark and handsome pair that were waiting for her to do exactly that.
Mrs. Gardiner didn't know upon watching the scene continue to unfold whether to breathe a sigh of relief, laugh out loud, or just shake her head. Certain facts were crystal clear. Lizzy was clearly trying to reconcile her past dislike of Mr. Darcy with the kind and accommodating man standing before her, a man who had just endured days of mortification to bring about her sister's rescue and who had opened his home to her without reservation after her accident.
Mr. Darcy, on the other hand, was clearly trying to bend himself in half if necessary to be the exact opposite of everything Lizzy had previously described him as being. He was obviously in pursuit of her niece, and Mrs. Gardiner was indeed relieved that he wasn't willing to back down. It was amusing to see each of them fight their internal battles without really seeing the same struggles in the other, but Mrs. Gardiner was also sober enough to know that there were deep emotions and life-changing ramifications involved. In spite of her desire to relieve Jane and the rest of the Longbourn household of the burden of caring for her children and her longing to see them again, she really was sorry that she wasn't going to be around to give Lizzy and her suitor encouragement in the days to come.
Mr. Darcy turned to escort them both inside, where they found Mr. Gardiner emerging from the library with Mr. Bennet. Mrs. Gardiner moved immediately to her husband, and they embraced warmly. Mr. Gardiner also disregarded his audience and leaned down to place a sweet kiss on his wife's cheek. They clasped hands and their eyes glowed just like they had on their wedding day all those years ago.
Although Lizzy and Darcy were not looking at each other, they both smiled at the reunion they were witnessing and would have been surprised to know how similar their thoughts were on seeing it. It ran through each of their heads that before them stood an example of matrimonial happiness that few ever found. They each felt a slight tightness in the chest as the sweet but painful longing for that kind of intimacy and closeness with a marriage partner, a partner for life, flowed through them.
Mr. Gardiner leaned down again to his wife and whispered, "I have much to acquaint you with, my dear. Shall we find a quiet spot together?"
Mrs. Gardiner nodded her head and smiled, and he led her back into the same room he had just emerged from. Mr. Bennet crossed the foyer to have a little confrontation with his daughter on the fact that she was scampering around the grounds instead of being in bed recovering from her injuries, and Mr. Darcy quietly excused himself to go off in pursuit of Mrs. Reynolds. He had just hatched a wonderful plan for the evening ahead, and he would need her assistance.
"He did what?!"
Mrs. Gardiner sat across from her husband in one of the large leather chairs in the comfortable and masculine library. Her husband had been recounting the events in London that had led up to the marriage of Lydia Bennet and George Wickham, and Mrs. Gardiner felt that she already had a relatively firm grasp on what had transpired there from the correspondence that had been exchanged during her husband's time away. But nothing could have prepared her for the shock and disbelief she felt when Mr. Gardiner revealed the full extent of Mr. Darcy's involvement in the affair.
Along with Lizzy, Mr. Bennet, and the rest of the family at Longbourn, Mrs. Gardiner had been led to believe that the marriage had been brought about through the financial assistance of her husband. Lydia's dowry, the settlement of Wickham's many debts, and the purchase of a commission for him with his new regiment in Newcastle would have taken a significant outlay of funds from the Gardiners. Mrs. Gardiner had never objected, and indeed had been most grateful that the money was available to assist her niece, even though she knew her niece had not the sense necessary to be grateful for it herself. But now, now it was all astonishment! Could it really be true?
Her husband answered her question before she even voiced it. "Yes, my dear. The entirety of the expense needed for the resolution of this affair came from Mr. Darcy's own pocket. He insisted upon it, and also insisted that no one else know of it. He absolutely would not yield, even though I tried to tell him that he took too much upon himself. Eventually, I was able to convince him that you had to be included in the secret, since you are my wife and it involved our family's finances. So throughout the whole time we spent in London, I really was not of much use to Lydia, but now I must put up with having the credit of it."
Mrs. Gardiner was floored. "I do not understand! Why did he do it? And why does he want it to be a secret? It speaks so highly of his noble character, why can it not be made known how much he did for Lydia?"
Mr. Gardiner allowed himself a slight smile when he replied, "I think that all the answers to your questions come back to one thing, or rather one person: Lizzy. His reasons for taking on the financial responsibility were the same as those he related to us before we left for London. He felt responsible for the fact that Wickham's character had not been previously exposed, and he wanted the chance to make things right. But if his feelings for Lizzy are anything like what I think they are, he did it for her. He did not want her to experience any further pain or discomfort over Lydia's situation. As for his reasons for keeping his full involvement a secret, I think that is also related to his feelings for Lizzy."
"But he has to know how grateful Lizzy would be to know of his assistance. Would it not be a high recommendation to her of his concern for her family?"
"I do not think he wants her gratitude, dear. I think he wants her love, and he wants to make sure that she does not have a chance to get the two confused. So will you promise to keep his secret?"
"Of course! If he feels it necessary to keep this from Lizzy and the rest of the family, then we should respect his wishes." Mrs. Gardiner paused for a moment, and then said, "So you really think he is in love with her, Edward?"
"Not only do I think he is in love with her, Madeline, I think he has been in love with her for quite some time. When we received your letter informing us of Lizzy's recovery, I think he was as relieved as I was, if not more so. I do not think he wanted to leave her in the first place, and as soon as we were in London he wanted to get the business concluded as quickly as possible so he could return. I only hope that our Lizzy will be gentle with him. She is so decided in her opinions, and she could hurt him a great deal, I think."
"I do not think that Lizzy knows her own heart yet. When she is around him, she seems confused, but not completely disinclined to him. I pray that he will be patient with her! But he seems terribly determined, and he will need to be. Oh my dear, you must be sure to keep me informed of any developments after I return to Longbourn!"
"Well I am sure that if I do not, Lizzy would, so you need not worry. Now, how is she, truly? I noticed that she was out with you when I returned. Is she really that strong already?"
"No, I do not believe that she is, but I think she would have started throwing objects around Mr. Darcy's bedchamber if I had not let her go outside. You know Lizzy, my dear. Confinement is not in her nature, and it has been getting harder for her by the day. But she needs to give her body a chance to catch up with her wishes!"
The Gardiners continued on in this manner, updating each other on life since they had last met, until one of the servants knocked to inform them that dinner was being served.
It had to be perfect. In a radically short amount of time, Mr. Darcy had managed to set the household staff scampering about like mice in his attempt to pull off the perfect evening with Elizabeth and her family before Mr. Bennet and Mrs. Gardiner left for Longbourn in the morning. The menu for dinner had been altered, new wine and port had been retrieved from the cellars, flowers, candles, and decorations had been arranged, and the music room had been cleaned and lit.
Mr. Darcy was hoping that Elizabeth would be drawn to the beautiful new pianoforte he had purchased for Georgianna, and that perhaps she would even grace the party with a performance before the evening was over. Finally, when every detail was to his liking, or as much to his liking as it was going to get, the Bennets and Gardiners were summoned from around the house as Mr. Darcy stood at the entrance of the dining room to welcome in his guests. He greeted the Gardiners and Mr. Bennet with a polite "good evening" for each, and even managed a few smiles in the midst of all his nervousness.
Then, the one he had been waiting for was before him, and he didn't know if he was even going to get "good evening" out. He didn't even know if he was still breathing. He didn't understand how it was possible for her to become lovelier every time he saw her, but it was true. She was even more beautiful than he remembered her being just that afternoon, although he was concerned by the slightly exhausted look she had on her face.
He had to remember to go slow with her. After all, she was still recovering from an accident that had almost killed her. He gave an inward shudder at the reminder of that dreadful thought and immediately gave thanks to heaven at the same time that this evening was at all possible, that he had his beloved with him and had the chance to show her his love.
She broke the silence first with a "Good evening, Mr. Darcy," accompanied by a small smile.
Her eyes had met his briefly, and he took that as an encouraging sign. Then she turned back towards the dining room, and she gasped in delight. The room had been transformed into something out of a fairyland, with all the bounty and softness of a summer's eve that seemed to have spilled in from the outdoors. The lighting from the candles gave the room a peaceful and inviting glow, and the mixture of aromas from the delectable food and the various flowers from the Pemberley gardens was pleasing indeed.
Lizzy turned her gaze back to him, and now her smile was full and her eyes were more alive than they had been in days. Darcy thought his heart would burst on the spot. It was exactly the kind of reaction he had been hoping for, and he was struck by how much joy it gave himself in trying to bring joy to Elizabeth. He would trade everything he owned for the opportunity to bring her joy every day, for the rest of his days. He gave her his arm to escort her into the dining room, feeling that the evening was already exceeding his expectations. Later, he would reflect that the worst, and the best, was yet to come.
The meal had been absolutely delightful, both in the culinary delights served up by the Pemberley kitchen and the conversation to be had around the table. Now that the gentleman had tasted Mr. Darcy's finest port and the ladies had taken ample time to examine the pianoforte, the party joined together once again in the music room. Lizzy was still running her hands over the pianoforte when the gentlemen entered, exclaiming to her aunt over the beauty of the instrument.
When Mr. Darcy entered, he approached the two ladies and said, "You are more than welcome to play it any time you wish during your stay here, Miss Bennet. You may play it right now if you like."
Lizzy started to protest, but her aunt interrupted her. "Oh yes, my dear, if you are feeling up to it I would love to hear some music."
Lizzy was still uncertain. She did not want to impose upon Mr. Darcy any more than she already had, but then he looked at her with an intensity that made her feel strangely weak as he said,
"Please, Miss Bennet. I must add my wishes to those of your aunt. I would take much pleasure in hearing you perform again."
She looked back at the pianoforte, then looked back at him, and said, "It is a beautiful instrument. Very well then let us see if I am up to the challenge."
Lizzy took her seat at the instrument, and the other occupants of the room arranged themselves comfortably in preparation for the performance. Mr. Darcy made sure he had a seat that allowed him the best view of her, and when her fingers touched the keys for the first notes, her darling voice sounded out clear and strong. He was sure that the angels in heaven could not do better. He let the sounds wash over him, closing his eyes and not bothering to hide his delight from anyone.
The musical interlude continued, and Lizzy was trying her best to fudge her way through a difficult passage when she began to realize she was having trouble seeing the notes on the page. She fought valiantly to make sure that no one else knew that anything was amiss, but her vision was getting more blurred and she was feeling dizzy and disoriented. She stilled her hands on the instrument, thinking she would pause to get her head back in order and then move on without anyone being the wiser. But her head would not cooperate. Her head was spinning, and she felt as though she was going to plant her face into the keys at any second. The entire room was rocked out of their peaceful enjoyment of the music as Lizzy's elbow crashed down on the keys and she caught her head in the palm of her hand, closing her eyes while trying desperately not to faint.
It did not matter in the slightest that Mr. Darcy was the farthest from Lizzy in the seating arrangement. He was quicker than all the rest of them put together, especially when he saw Elizabeth in distress. As soon as her hands had ceased, his eyes had opened and he had focused his vision on her. He knew something was wrong, but when she slumped forward into her hand his terror moved him like lightening. She looked to be having some sort of relapse from her injuries, and Darcy did not think he could bear it if she fell unconscious again.
He was at her side in an instant, calling her name and trying to find out what was happening to her and if she was alright. Her father, aunt and uncle all crowded around her as well, and the three of them along with Mr. Darcy formed a sort of protective shell around her where she still sat on the bench at the pianoforte.
Lizzy did not respond to anyone for a while, even though she could hear them. She just did not have the strength. When she finally felt like she was getting her bearings back, that the worst of it, whatever it was, was over, she slowly lifted her head and met the eyes of Mr. Darcy, who was kneeling directly in front of her.
Their eyes locked, and the look seemed to freeze them in time. Lizzy could not tear her gaze away from what she saw in his eyes. They were filled with anguish, worry, concern, and if she was not imagining things…love.
It was as if the moment stripped both of them down to the bare essence of their feelings. He could not hide anything from her in that moment as the rest of the room faded to nothing and they were left there with only each other. Lizzy's response was given without a conscious thought. The smile started small, just turning up the corners of her mouth, then it reached her eyes, and soon it spread to her whole face. In her response, she acknowledged everything she saw in his eyes and showed him that she was not disgusted by it, was not scared of it, and did not reject it as she once did in another time and place. It was a look that showed acceptance of his feelings, and the budding of some of her own feelings as well.
To Darcy, it was a look he would never forget in his entire life. Her face, which had seemed weak and lifeless when she had first raised it to him, now seemed aglow from the inside. There was no miscommunication, no misunderstanding to be had. It was a ray of hope like none he had experienced in all the months since that horrible day in Hunsford. It was his first real assurance that he might still have a chance to win her. How could he help but smile in return?
So there they stayed, for how long neither one of them could tell. Then, her relatives were helping her to her feet, insisting that she return to her room immediately to rest and exclaiming that Dr. Shelton should be fetched at once to re-examine her. Darcy came out of the glorious haze he had occupied and volunteered to put himself to use by seeking out the doctor. But he knew she was going to be well…she had to be. He had a chance. Her fine eyes had told him so.
Chapter 28
She had waited long enough. Lizzy knew that she should have guessed her family would overreact after her fainting spell in the music room, but she had no idea that they would conspire with Dr. Shelton to confine her to bed rest again. It had been four days since that incident at the pianoforte, three days since her father and aunt had departed for Longbourn, and Lizzy had had enough. They had even stubbornly refused to allow her to go downstairs to see them off on the morning of their departure. Lizzy admitted that she was tired, but not so tired that she could not be incensed at being treated like a child. Her recovery had been going along steadily until the minor setback of a few days ago, and she did not like being imprisoned any more the second time than she had the first. In fact, she was even more discontent with her enforced bed rest after her small taste of freedom, a taste that had included her re-acquaintance with Mr. Darcy.
Her mandatory separation from him was testing her fortitude in ways she had not expected and certainly did not enjoy. She was somewhat surprised to find that she really was anxious to see him again, that she was finding it extremely difficult to be under the same roof with him and not be able to be in his company. She found him to be an intriguing mystery at present, but one that she was looking forward to solving. His behavior towards her and her family continued to baffle and humble her.
"Only I fully knew how little I really deserve Mr. Darcy's kindness and attentions -- all the words I had spoken to him at Hunsford in anger and prejudice that should have justly made him hate me. And yet the evening we had spent in his company on his return had shown him to be everything charming, respectful, mindful of my wishes and desires, generous to a fault, and imminently concerned for my health and comfort. When our eyes met…he seemed to speak volumes of unspoken feelings to me. I could not turn away from his ardent look."
Lizzy did not understand all the whys and hows of the radical alteration in Mr. Darcy's manner, but she wanted to see if it would continue. Would something happen to cause him to return to his taciturn disposition of old? Had he simply forgotten that she was now Wickham's sister-in-law, and when he remembered would he begin to despise her? Lizzy did not have a name or even an appropriate description for her feelings towards Mr. Darcy at present, but she knew that she was hoping with all her might that he would not think ill of her. She longed for his good opinion, but whether she longed for his love was a question she did not have an answer for. All she knew at the moment was that she was not willing to wait any longer to continue the unraveling of the mystery that was Mr. Darcy. She rang for a maid, called for a bath, and prepared herself to emerge from her prison, with or without her doctor's approval.
Mr. Darcy had been in full agreement with Elizabeth's family and with Dr. Shelton that every precaution should be taken to ensure that her recovery not suffer any further setbacks. If that meant her being confined to her bed, and thus his being removed from her company, so be it. However, the longer the separation lasted, the more his resolve began to weaken. Obviously, his first concern was that Elizabeth be restored to full health. Nothing was more important. But he was restless, knowing how close she was but not being able to see her, to speak to her, to listen to her, to perhaps take her hand on some pretense or another.
Upon his first evening at home, he had been able to see glimpses of how magical and wonderful his life could be with her by his side. He had taken delight from every look, every gesture, every word, every smile; every one of a million tiny little things that had reaffirmed to him over and over again that she was the only woman in the world for him. He knew her convalescence was for her own good and therefore ultimately for his own good as well. But however much his logical, rational side could attempt to convince him, the part of him that already belonged to her, his heart, could not be so easily swayed. It served to show him how essential she truly was to him, that any separation from her had his heart crying out that something was not right.
He attempted to busy himself with catching up on estate business that had been neglected during his time in London, and he forced himself to concentrate during meetings with Mrs. Reynolds and his steward. But never did his thoughts stray far from her; never did he go for too long without continuing to form his plans for winning her affections. However, none of those plans could truly be carried out until he saw her again. And so, his frustration continued to mount with each passing hour spent out of her company, for it seemed as if every hope for future happiness in this life was on hold.
"I do thank God that she is alive and on her way to being well, again, but I cannot help but selfishly ask and pray for her recovery to move along more rapidly."
Lizzy came down the staircase into the foyer, still feeling slightly weak but feeling refreshed after completing her toilette. At that moment, a servant was at the open front door, accepting the day's post from the delivery man. Lizzy had no reason to expect anything for herself, so she was surprised when the servant turned to her after closing the door, and upon seeing her, called out,
"Oh, Miss Bennet, it is good to see you up and about. There is a letter here for you."
Lizzy walked forward to receive the letter from the servant's outstretched hand, and said, "Thank you. It is good to be up and about. Now, I wonder what this is all about?"
The servant merely bowed and exited the foyer to return to his other duties, and Lizzy moved into the nearby sitting room to sit and give her attention to her letter. Her curiosity was immediately peaked when she saw the name of the sender: Lydia Wickham. Lizzy knew that Lydia had never been much for correspondence, and it would have made sense that she would have even less inclination for writing in her newly married state. Lizzy suspected that her father somehow had a hand in forcing this letter from Lydia. Her suspicion was confirmed as soon as she broke the seal and began reading the missive.
Dear Lizzy,Papa felt it necessary for me to write to you, even though he should know as I am sure you do that married women have so little time for writing. I was shocked to hear of your injury from our uncle when I was in London, but of course I could not write to you then because I was so caught up in the excitement and bustle for the plans of my wedding to my dear Wickham. I was disappointed that your injury prevented you from being able to be one of my bridesmaids, for in the end the only people present were our uncle and Mr. Darcy.
I must tell you I nearly died laughing when I heard that you were staying at his house in Derbyshire. It does not seem that you deserve such punishment for he is so stern and droll. You should have seen him in London; you would have thought he was attending a funeral instead of a wedding! I do not see why he should have been so out of humor, especially because it was all his doing. If he was so unhappy about the prospect of my wedding to my dear Wickham, he should not have argued so with my Uncle Gardiner and insisted on paying for everything. I do not think I was supposed to know about it, but I really could not help but overhear. And I suppose it does not matter now anyway, since the wedding has already taken place.
Mama is delighted with my husband, and I am sure all my sisters envy me, including you, for was he not a favorite of yours once? We should have all gone to Brighton, and then I could have found husbands for all of you. But soon my husband and I will be off to join his new regiment in the North, and I do not know if we will meet again anytime soon. So, do your best to tolerate Mr. Darcy until you can return home, and be sure to write to me since you will have nothing better to do as I shall.
I remain yours, etc.
Lydia Wickham
Lizzy was reeling, and she knew that it had nothing to do with her injury. The letter was typical Lydia, but the information it contained about Mr. Darcy was astounding. Lizzy knew that Mr. Darcy had a hand in bringing about her sister's marriage, but had he really paid for everything? It was an unbelievable possibility, and she knew she had to find out the whole truth of the situation at once. She already felt as though she and her family owed Mr. Darcy quite a debt for all his assistance in recent weeks, but this would be beyond imagining. Lizzy composed herself as best she could under the circumstances and rushed off to find her uncle. When she confronted him with Lydia's letter, she knew he would tell her the truth. Then, if it was really true, she would have time to try to find a way to express her gratitude to Mr. Darcy.
Mr. Gardiner let out a long sigh. He lamented silently about his younger niece’s lack of discretion and tact, and even momentarily considered continuing to conceal the truth from Lizzy. But it was only for a moment. He could not do it. He could not lie to her, no matter what. He really had never wanted for her to find out about Mr. Darcy's complete role in Lydia's marriage, not only for how useless it made him feel but because he had come to care for the young man who was so obviously in love with his niece. If Mr. Darcy had felt it necessary to conceal the whole truth from her and from the rest of the family, then he had devoted himself to doing everything he could to make sure the secret stayed safe. But now, it was out, and there was nothing he could do except to be true to his nature and be honest.
"Elizabeth, sit down, my dear. I do not want you to distress yourself."
Lizzy was struggling to hang on to her patience, so she sat while at the same time pleading, "Please uncle, pray tell me if this is true. I must know."
"I will tell you everything, do not worry. From the moment we received word from your sister Jane at Longbourn that Lydia had run off with Wickham, Mr. Darcy took charge. He knew that your father would not wish to leave you in your condition, so he immediately stepped forward and insisted on accompanying me to London to search for them. He thought he might have a few leads from amongst Wickham's old acquaintances that could be of use to us in the search. He also told us the story of Wickham's infamous conduct towards his sister and that he felt responsible for Lydia's current situation because he had not revealed Wickham's character to the world."
Lizzy felt compelled to step in and defend him, for had she not also had similar thoughts herself? "He is not to blame, no more than I or Jane or anyone else deceived by Wickham. Others are culpable, not him."
Mr. Gardiner smiled slightly at his niece’s defense of Mr. Darcy. He believed his wife was right, that she did not know her own feelings yet, but she was obviously able to see Darcy's good qualities.
He replied, "I may know this and you may know this, Lizzy, but Mr. Darcy can be almost as stubborn as you are. He would brook no opposition, and so we set off for London. When we discovered Lydia and Wickham at the boarding house where they were staying, I felt the need to discuss matters with Lydia alone, to try to persuade her to understand the seriousness of her situation, but it was all for naught."
"This left Mr. Darcy alone with Wickham. When Lydia and I returned to the room to get her things packed, Darcy informed me that the financial settlement had already been reached. This was the first I had heard of his intentions to bear the financial responsibility for bringing the marriage about, and I must say I was as astonished as you are. But once again, he assured me that argument was fruitless and would not pay heed to any of my advice that he was taking too much upon himself."
"So you see Lizzy, nothing was to be done that he did not do himself, and I was forced to put up with having the credit of everything instead of actually being able to be of use to Lydia. That is the whole history of how he came to be involved."
"How many other people know of this?" Lizzy asked.
Mr. Gardiner replied, "Only myself, your aunt, and apparently Lydia. He insisted on keeping it a secret, since he did not want any outpourings of gratitude for doing something he felt was his duty."
Lizzy understood somewhat of Mr. Darcy's feelings, but even though he did not want any outpourings of gratitude, he was going to get one from her anyway. It would take some time, though, because at this moment her gratitude was beyond expression. His generosity was beyond anything she had imagined even a few hours ago, and her family owed him a debt that they would never be able to repay.
The trouble, expense, and mortification he had endured to rescue her foolish younger sister was, in a word, amazing. And then the thought suddenly crept unbidden to the front of her mind:
"Did he do all this for me?"
The evidence was mounting that the love he had professed for her previously had endured her harsh treatment and unfair accusations in Hunsford. His ease and friendliness with herself and her family, his efforts to see to their comfort, and now his incredible effort on behalf of Lydia, all seemed to point to one thing…he still wants me!
But what man would ever want to propose marriage again to a woman who had already rejected him once? Lizzy caught herself on that thought and almost gasped out loud.
Do I want him to propose to me, again? Do I want to marry him? Do I love him?
Although her body felt strong, her mind was growing fatigued from all the questions swirling through it; and she excused herself quietly from her uncle's company and returned to her room. She needed to think, to try to sort out her feelings for this man whom she felt more and more bound to the more she learned about him. The answers to her questions about him were no longer just a curious mystery she was trying to solve. Indeed, she now had the feeling that the path her life would take was somehow bound up with the answers,
"I need to find them out…soon?!
Chapter 29
Posted on Monday, 30 October 2006
Lizzy left the Pemberley library with her volume of Shakespeare and entered the foyer. A night spent wrestling with her feelings for Mr. Darcy had not left much room for sleep, and so her step was not as light, her pace not as brisk as it would have been on a normal late summer day. She had seen Mr. Darcy for but a moment that morning, as he was on his way out to take care of some tenant business. He had graciously made his extensive library available to her, which had caused mixed emotions within her. Normally such an offer would have been received with complete joy, but it seemed that any act of kindness that came from Mr. Darcy was accompanied with a considerable amount of confusion as well. She was still having a difficult time interpreting his behavior, and her own reaction to it was just as puzzling.
Any turmoil that had existed before she had received her sister Lydia's letter had increased tenfold since reading it the day before. It seemed possible that he still wanted her, but how was that possible? And did she want him? Could her feelings have undergone such a dramatic turnaround? Lizzy could only sigh and shake her head. The same questions had been plaguing her for days on end, and it seemed that they became more insistent the more time she spent under the same roof with Mr. Darcy.
She couldn't even decide if seeing him would help her sort out her feelings. It was as if she longed to see him and feared it all at once. Lizzy was so lost in her thoughts that she almost collided head-on with Matilda, one of the Pemberley maids. After a slight gasp from each party, Elizabeth said, "Excuse me, Matilda. It seems as if my mind and my feet have separated from each other."
Matilda curtsied and quickly replied, "Oh no, Miss Elizabeth, it was my fault. I was actually coming to find you. If you please, ma'm, the post has just arrived, and there is a letter for you from Longbourn."
Lizzy replied, "Another letter? I will be going home soon as it is! I wonder what could possibly be so important." Realizing she was rambling to a servant, Elizabeth smiled and accepted the offered letter. Matilda curtsied again and hurried off to distribute the rest of the mail.
Elizabeth gave a passing glance down at the envelope, but looked again as wide smile appeared to light up her face. "Jane!" Finally, she had been wondering when she would hear from her dearest sister. Following the same path she had traveled just the day before with Lydia's letter, Elizabeth entered the adjacent sitting room to settle in with her latest report from home. She tore open the seal and read:
My dearest Lizzy,I do not even know where to begin. It seems ages since we have been together, and what ages they have been! But now, my dear Lizzy, there are such sources of happiness as I had never even dared to hope for.
First, of course, is our utter relief and joy that you are regaining your health. I give thanks to God every day that you are still with us. You know that if I had not been needed here by our mother, I would have flown to your side in a heartbeat. You cannot imagine the despair when we first learned of your condition! We all felt it so deeply, our father most of all I believe. I have never seen anyone so shocked. But then, I could not control my own tears of joy when we learned of your return to consciousness and the doctor's pronouncing your head to be perfectly sound. I do not even care to think about what I would have done without you, my darling Lizzy.
As you know, Lydia and her husband will soon be concluding their visit with us and journeying on to join his new regiment in the North. Our mother seems vastly pleased with her new son-in-law, and I have hopes that it will be a happy marriage in spite of the way it was brought about. He cannot be so unworthy as we first thought, and since he agreed to marry her he must truly be in love with her I think.
But even our sister's present happiness can be nothing compared to my own! On the very day we learned of your recovery, and without any forewarning, Mr. Bingley returned to our part of the country. He sent the whole town into an uproar, coming back to occupy Netherfield well before the hunting season.
It seems he had learned of our family's distress from Mr. Darcy, who informed him of your accident and of the search for Lydia and Wickham. Mr. Bingley kindly traveled to Hertfordshire and offered his assistance in running the estate in our father's absence and granting a much-needed distraction to our mother. Under these circumstances, he visited here quite often.
Oh Lizzy, I can hardly believe my good fortune enough to actually write down on paper what he told me on one of those visits: he loves me, Lizzy! He loves me! He said he always loved me all the time, and he spoke to our father almost as soon as he and our aunt arrived. We are engaged! Can you believe it? How will I bear so much happiness? Could you believe that things would end in this happy way? I have to remind myself that it is real every day when he comes to our door.
But I must conclude, it seems that our mother has arranged a walk toward Meryton for Lydia and Wickham and Mr. Bingley and I. I will give you the whole of the history on that blessed day when we are reunited, dear sister. Until then, I pray that this news will lift your spirits and aid in your continued recovery.
I remain, yours lovingly etc.
Jane
Lizzy's joy bubbled over; she could not help herself. She clasped the letter to her heart and laughed and cried and thanked God that at last her sister's happiness had been secured. She brought the letter back down before her eyes, and scanned it again and again, cherishing the joy in her sister's tone when for so many months there had been only sadness at the loss of Mr. Bingley. And it seemed at the same time that Lizzy daily found another reason to be grateful to Mr. Darcy.
Lizzy had often worried at how overwhelmed Jane must have been with their father away from home and the horrible situation with Lydia. Lizzy could read between the lines of her sister's statements from years of experience, and she knew that Mr. Bingley's appearance in Hertfordshire at such a time and his subsequent proposal to Jane had everything to do with Mr. Darcy. He must have finally realized how much Jane and Bingley loved each other and how well suited they were together, and he gave his friend his blessing to travel to Hertfordshire to pursue Jane.
Lizzy could have formerly found some bitterness in her heart over the delay in her sister's happiness caused by Mr. Darcy's initial interference. But her heart could not find room for it. There was too much happiness. If anyone deserved to be happy and content for the rest of her days, it was Jane. As she had done so many times in the past, Lizzy chose to take her sister's letter and dwell on it for a while as she strolled around the grounds. She used to dwell on her sister's pain, but now she could dwell on her sister's joy. Her sister's pain had helped prejudice her mind against Mr. Darcy those many months ago in Kent. Now, her sister's joy would help bend her mind toward all the ways Mr. Darcy was becoming ever more gracious and charming and kind and pleasant. Everything a woman could want for a husband.
It had been so hard to keep his secret this morning when he had seen Elizabeth on his way out. Mr. Darcy sincerely hoped his friend was accurate and that Elizabeth would soon be able to share in the good news of Bingley and Jane's engagement. Darcy was fairly bursting with the desire to share his good information with Elizabeth, if only to see her eyes sparkle and her face light up with the joy he was sure she would feel.
Bingley's letter had arrived in yesterday's post, the promptness of it was amazing, considering that Bingley had never been much for correspondence. Darcy smiled slightly, for it seemed his friend had been especially eager to communicate his happiness. The handwriting had barely been legible as Bingley enthusiastically wrote of all of his beloved's angelic attributes, and Darcy had managed to decipher that even Mrs. Bennet would improve on closer acquaintance, he was sure.
Darcy would have scoffed at such a pronouncement months ago, but that almost seemed like another lifetime ago. Darcy knew now that if he could only have Elizabeth for his own, he would willingly put up with anything Mrs. Bennet could possibly dish out. Love did do amazing things to a person, Mr. Darcy marveled as he walked along beside his favorite horse back towards the house, his business finally concluded. He found himself scanning the landscape ahead of him, looking for any signs of a dress blowing in the breeze, a glowing head of dark curls, or a bright and rosy complexion.
Finally, he caught sight of her in the distance, and he allowed himself a moment to simply stop and drink in the life-restoring joy the very sight of her could pour into his heart. He did not know how he was ever going to let her leave. He had grown so used to having her in his home, in his life, as a daily presence that the thought of being separated from her again caused a revolt inside him. She looked to be scanning a piece of paper as she walked, and he hoped that it was the letter from her sister that Bingley had told him was on its way. He wanted to share her joy. He wanted to share everything with her. He quickened his step as he approached her, calling out, "Miss Bennet," hoping to halt her progress.
She seemed startled only for a moment, then lifted her head and gave him that smile that could fill his heart with tenderness and cause his mind to race with unspeakable lust all at the same time. She called to him as he approached, "Good day to you, Mr. Darcy! I trust your business concluded to your satisfaction?"
He could not mistake her happiness or her good information, even though she seemed nervous. He replied, "Yes, everything has been taken care of. I see you have received a letter today?"
Lizzy had been thrown into such a tumult upon seeing him again that she had almost forgotten completely about the piece of paper she held in her hand. It took her a moment to respond, but she quickly found her smile again when she thought of the contents of that letter. "Yes, it is from my sister, Jane."
Darcy wanted to bring the topic around to the news of Bingley and Jane's engagement, but he did not want to seem like he was prying. He gestured to her and they turned to walk side by side towards the house. He said, "I received a letter from Bingley yesterday."
Lizzy couldn't help but be a little disappointed. She had been looking forward to being the one to tell him the good news, but it would only make sense that Bingley would have wanted to share the news with his friend. There were so many things she wanted to say to him, but the only words that seemed able to push through her tumbled thoughts were two that seemed to capture so much. They were barely a whisper: "Thank you."
Of all the things he would have expected her to say at such a moment, that would not have been one of them. He stopped in his tracks, turned towards her, and said, "Thank you? For what?"
"Jane told me that you sent Bingley to help her while I was ill and while Lydia was missing. I do not know how you knew that she would need help, and I do not know why you would have willingly sent Bingley into my sister's company, but you did. And she is so happy. No one deserves it more than she does. So thank you." Lizzy cast her eyes down to the ground, somewhat embarrassed for being so blunt about such a sensitive topic. She found herself unable to meet his gaze, unsure of how he would respond.
Darcy felt that he had to respond with as much honesty as she had given him. She had every right to doubt his actions; his previous conduct and his efforts to separate Bingley and her sister would justly make her question his endeavor to bring them together. He responded quietly and thoughtfully, "Bingley expressed his happiness as well. And it has been a long time in coming -- too long."
There was regret in his tone -- regret for past mistakes, and a desire to make things right. She was finding that desire in his nature more and more these days, and he was rising in her estimation the more she saw of it. She sought to ease his self-recrimination by saying, "It is not important anymore how they ended up in their present happy situation. They have found each other at last, and everything is as it should be."
"Not everything," he thought to himself as they continued on towards the house. "Not everything, yet."
The curtains had been pulled back, and Lizzy gazed out upon another beautiful summer day at Pemberley. She had learned from the servants that Mr. Darcy had been called out onto the estate again on business, and she was getting ready to go downstairs to have breakfast with her uncle. Suddenly, she heard a great commotion out in the hallway, and it seemed to be coming in her direction. She stepped away from the window and turned to head toward the door to find out what all the fuss was about. The door opened, and at the same moment the imposing figure came into view, the harried Pemberley servant hurriedly announced,
"Lady Catherine de Bourgh."
Chapter 30
It was done with some difficulty, but Lizzy did manage to keep her mouth from dropping open when Lady Catherine appeared in the doorway. Mr. Darcy had given no indication that he had been expecting a visit from his aunt, and Lady Catherine did not live close enough to Pemberley to make this a "just dropping by" visit. No, she must have had some purpose for making the journey from Kent into Derbyshire, but Lizzy was not naive enough to believe that Lady Catherine had traveled all this way out of concern for her health.
Indeed, the look on Lady Catherine's face indicated that concern was the furthest thing from her mind. She attempted her coldest, most intimidating glare, looked down her long, pointed nose with disdain, and glided past where Elizabeth had frozen to seat herself in one of the armchairs in front of the fireplace. Neither woman had yet spoken, and the silence stretched out long and somewhat tense between them. Lizzy waited patiently for Lady Catherine to begin; she knew her well enough to know she would want to dictate the entire course of the conversation. Lady Catherine's eyes moved around the room, and she said, almost to herself,
"So, you are actually here. I had not believed it possible."
Elizabeth sensed that no response was required, so she simply inclined her head in agreement. Lady Catherine continued on in much the same manner, addressing the room in general,
"And in his rooms… Amazing!"
For a brief moment, Lizzy wondered if Lady Catherine had come to deliver some news of Charlotte, since her ladyship had sought Lizzy out directly. But she quickly dismissed the notion, thinking that Lady Catherine would not have traveled all this way for anyone's purposes other than her own. With more than a bit of sarcasm in her tone, Lady Catherine finally posed a question to Elizabeth directly, saying,
"You are no doubt aware by now, Miss Bennet, that the grounds of Pemberley are very fine. I should be glad to take a turn in them with you, if you would favor me with your company."
"Of course," Elizabeth replied, and she gathered her bonnet and accompanied Lady Catherine out of the room and down the stairs, neither of them speaking again until they had reached the topiary garden to the west of the main entrance.
On the way, Lizzy had noticed that Lady Catherine's carriage was still waiting near the front door, and that Anne, who had accompanied her on the trip, was waiting inside the spacious barouche. She must not be staying long, Lizzy thought to herself. What can she be about? But still Lizzy made no inquiries of her noble companion. She did not feel the need to make an effort for conversation with a woman who seemed more determined than usual to be insolent and disagreeable. She also wondered at herself, remembering that she had once considered Mr. Darcy and his aunt to be very similar. How wrong she had been! Once they reached the garden, Lady Catherine wasted no time, saying,
"You can be at no loss to understand the reason for my journey here, Miss Bennet."
Elizabeth could not have manufactured her astonishment; it was real. She replied, "Indeed, you are mistaken, madam. Unless you are here to pay a visit to your nephew, I am quite unable to account for the honor of seeing you here."
Lady Catherine was not convinced, and she shot back angrily, "Miss Bennet, you ought to know that I am not to be trifled with. But however insincere you choose to be, you will not find me so. A report of a most alarming nature reached me two days ago. I was told not only that your sister was to be most advantageously married but that you, Miss Elizabeth Bennet, would be soon afterwards united to my own nephew Mr. Darcy! Though I know it must be a scandalous falsehood, I instantly resolved on setting off for this place to make my sentiments known to you."
"If you believed it impossible to be true, I wonder you took the trouble of coming so far. What could your ladyship propose by it?" Elizabeth's color and anger were rising, and she was having difficulty keeping both in check.
Lady Catherine answered by saying, "At once to insist on having such a report universally contradicted."
Elizabeth kept her response cool, saying logically, "Your coming all this way to see me will be seen as a confirmation of it if indeed such a report exists."
"If! Do you, then, pretend to be ignorant of it? Has it not been industriously circulated by you? Do you not know that such a report is spread abroad?"
"I never heard that it was."
"And can you likewise declare that there is no foundation for it?"
"I do not pretend to possess equal frankness with your ladyship. You may ask questions, which I shall not choose to answer."
Elizabeth could tell, and knew from experience, that Lady Catherine was not used to having her commands tested in such a way. She was no doubt shocked that Lizzy did not instantly agree to her request, and she said as much.
"This is not to be born! Miss Bennet, I insist on being satisfied. Has my nephew made you an offer of marriage?"
"Your ladyship has declared it to be impossible."
"It ought to be so! But your arts and allurements may have caused him to forget what he owes to himself and all the family. You have even managed to work your way into staying under his roof with some pretense of illness. Through all this, you may have drawn him in."
"If I have, I shall be the last person to confess it." Lady Catherine must think her completely devoid of morals; that she would fake illness to gain an invitation to stay at Pemberley! Unbelievable! But if Lizzy held any hope that Lady Catherine was done insulting her, she was to be gravely disappointed. Lady Catherine continued:
"Miss Bennet, do you know who I am? I have not been accustomed to language such as this. I am almost the nearest relation he has, and I am entitled to know all his nearest concerns."
"But you are not entitled to know mine; nor will such behavior as this induce me to be explicit."
"Let me be rightly understood. This match to which you have the presumption to aspire can never take place. Mr. Darcy is engaged to my daughter. Now what have you to say?"
"Only this: that if he is so, you can have no reason to suppose he will make an offer to me."
This actually seemed to give Lady Catherine pause for a moment, and she seemed to feel it necessary to explain her pronouncement. "The engagement between them is of a peculiar kind. From their infancy they have been intended for each other. It was the favorite wish of his mother as well as hers! While they were in their cradles we planned the union. And now, at the moment when the wishes of both sisters would be accomplished in their marriage, to be prevented by a young woman of inferior birth, of no importance in the world, and wholly unallied to the family! Do you pay no regard to the wishes of his friends- to his tacit engagement with my daughter? Are you lost to every feeling of propriety and delicacy? Have you not heard me say that from his earliest hours he was destined for his cousin?"
Lizzy could not help but admit that she had; however, she still didn't think Lady Catherine was making much sense, just managing to be slightly logical and incredibly insulting. So she replied, "Yes, and I had heard it before. But what is that to me? If there is no other objection to my marrying your nephew, I shall certainly not be kept from it by knowing that his mother and his aunt wished him to marry Miss de Bourgh. You both did as much as you could in planning the marriage; its completion depended on others. If Mr. Darcy is neither by honor nor inclination confined to his cousin, why can he not make another choice? And if I am that choice, why may I not accept him?"
Elizabeth had to steady herself from the jolt of the rather shocking realization she had at that moment that she would do exactly that. If he ever asked her again to be his wife, she would accept with no hesitation. She had been pushed into it a bit, but her mind was finally catching up with what her heart already seemed to know: she loved him! The dawning of that light renewed her strength, for the test of this confrontation was not yet over.
Lady Catherine, indeed, seemed to have plenty of reasons why Lizzy should not accept him: "Because honor, decorum, prudence – nay -- interest, forbid it. You cannot expect to be noticed by his family or friends if you willfully act against the wishes of so many. Your alliance would be a disgrace. Your name would never even be mentioned by any of us."
"These would be heavy misfortunes, indeed. But the wife of Mr. Darcy must have such extraordinary sources of happiness necessarily attached to her situation that she could, on the whole, have no cause to repine."
Now that mind and heart were aligned, Elizabeth felt the truth and conviction of her words. She would be happy with him; she knew it! But Lizzy was still angry, shocked, and uncertain all at the same time; she did not know where Lady Catherine would take her attack next.
She tried again with the guilt card: "Obstinate, headstrong girl! I am ashamed of you! Is this your gratitude for my attentions to you last spring? Is nothing due to me on that score? I have not been in the habit of brooking disappointment."
"That will make your ladyship's situation at present more pitiable, but it will have no effect on me."
"I will not be interrupted! My daughter and my nephew are formed for each other. And what is to divide them? The upstart pretensions of a young woman without family, connections, or fortune? Is this to be endured? It shall not be! During your stay here, you must have seen how incapable and ill-formed you are to be mistress of Pemberley. If you were sensible of your own good you would not wish to quit the sphere in which you were brought up."
Elizabeth was quickly reaching the end of her patience. Her tone indicated as much when she replied, "Lady Catherine, in marrying your nephew I should not consider myself as quitting that sphere. He is a gentleman; I am a gentleman's daughter: so far we are equal."
"But who is your mother? Who are your uncles and aunts? Do not imagine me ignorant of their condition!"
"Whatever my connections may be, if your nephew does not object to them, they can be nothing to you."
Lady Catherine would go no longer without an answer, so she shouted, "Tell me once and for all, are you engaged to him?"
Elizabeth would not have answered merely for the sake of satisfying Lady Catherine, but she also had no wish to lie, so she simply replied, "I am not."
A look of profound relief swept over Lady Catherine's stern features. She needed only one more assurance to make herself feel perfectly satisfied. "And will you promise me never to enter into such an engagement?"
Elizabeth was ready for the conversation to come to an end, so she hoped to cut off any further comments from Lady Catherine when she said, "I will make no promise of the kind. I am not to be intimidated into anything so wholly unreasonable. Your ladyship wants Mr. Darcy to marry your daughter; but how would my giving you the wished-for promise make their marriage at all more probable? Supposing him to be attached to me, would my refusing to accept his hand make him wish to bestow it on his cousin? Allow me to say, Lady Catherine, that the arguments with which you have supported this extraordinary application have been as frivolous as the application was ill-judged. You have widely mistaken my character, if you think I can be worked on by such persuasions as these. How far your nephew might approve of your interference in his affairs I cannot tell; but you have certainly no right to concern yourself in mine. I must beg you not to importune me any further on this subject." And with that, she turned to walk away.
Lady Catherine was not done, though, and she followed behind, shaking her cane and saying, "Not so hasty, if you please! I have another objection; your youngest sister's infamous elopement. I know it all! Oh, is such a girl to be my nephew's sister-in-law? Are the shades of Pemberley to be thus polluted?"
Elizabeth stopped, turned, and said, "You can have nothing further to say. You have insulted me and my family by every possible method. I must beg to return to the house." And she turned again to do just that.
Still, Lady Catherine continued on her diatribe: "You have no regard, then, for the honor and credit of my nephew? Unfeeling, selfish girl! You refuse to oblige me! You refuse to obey the claims of duty, honor, and gratitude. You are determined to ruin him, and make him the contempt of the world."
They had continued to walk, with Lizzy setting the pace and Lady Catherine following behind, until they reached the side of the carriage. Lizzy was ready to keep going straight into the house without stopping, but she wanted to let Lady Catherine know what she was determined to do. "I am only resolved to act in a manner which will constitute my own happiness, without reference to you, or to any other person so wholly unconnected with me."
"So this is your final resolve? Very well then, I shall know how to act." Lady Catherine shouted to the butler, who had come to open the front door when he saw the two ladies approaching. "You there, where is my nephew? I was told when I arrived that he is out on the estate. I want to know exactly where he has gone."
The butler gave her the information she required, then she gestured to one of the carriage masters that he should accompany them so that her driver would have precise directions. It was obvious to Lizzy what Lady Catherine's mission was. She should have known that Lady Catherine would not just sit still and wait for Mr. Darcy to return. In her ladyship's mind, her purpose was far too urgent; with Elizabeth's 'arts and allurements' continuing to be allowed to work on her nephew unchecked, there was not a moment to lose. This could not help but throw Lizzy's spirits into turmoil. How much influence would Lady Catherine wield with her nephew? Would Lady Catherine be successful in convincing Mr. Darcy of all the dangers of a possible alliance with her? Though not usually a doomsday prophet, Elizabeth could not help but run the worst-case scenario through her head.
And it took hold. Mr. Darcy would want her gone. Immediately. He would not want to displease his aunt any further by allowing her to stay another night under his roof. It tore at Elizabeth's soul. She had only just realized that she loved him, and now Lady Catherine's cruel interference would come between them.
Lady Catherine's voice cut through her thoughts to call out the last word (she just had to have the last word): "I take no leave of you, Miss Bennet. I send no compliments to your family, you deserve no such attention. I am most seriously displeased." She shouted up to her driver, "Drive on," and she was off to find Mr. Darcy.
Elizabeth knew what she had to do, and it had to be done quickly. She could not help but feel a little cowardly for wishing to avoid the confrontation with Mr. Darcy that she knew would come, but perhaps he would be grateful that she had spared both of them the trouble. She would not wait for him to throw her out of his house; she would leave voluntarily. She walked back into the house and into the breakfast room where her uncle was still waiting for her. Without any preamble, she announced,
"We must leave this place at once. I am going to go upstairs to begin packing." She raised her hand to hold off any reply he would make; she was not up to answering questions about her meeting with Lady Catherine.
So she pleaded, "Please, uncle. We have trespassed upon Mr. Darcy's hospitality long enough, and you know that I am fit enough to travel. I would like to be off before the day is out."
Though Mr. Gardiner did not know the reason, he could see his niece’s distress and wanted to alleviate it any way he could. So he replied soothingly, "Of course, my dear, if you wish."
Mr. Gardiner had every intention of dragging his feet as much as possible. He not only felt uncomfortable with the idea of leaving without letting Mr. Darcy know first, he also knew that things had not yet been resolved between his niece and Mr. Darcy. So convinced was he of their love for each other, if he had to meddle, then so be it.
Lizzy knew none of her uncle's thoughts. She turned silently and left the room to begin packing with all haste. Her heart mourned as she walked; mourned the loss, she was now convinced, of the only man she could ever really be happy with to spend the rest of her life.
Last chapters, I had the magnificent Jane Austen to guide me. Now, I am left to construct this confrontation on my own. Bring it on! Here are the concluding chapters. ~erinmarie
Chapter 31
Posted on Wednesday, 1 November 2006
Mr. Darcy removed his handkerchief from his breast pocket and used it to wipe the sweat from his brow. The summer sun was particularly intense this day, and he was longing to discard his coat to allow the minimal breeze more access to his body. He was with his steward out on one of the more distant tenant plots on the estate, attempting to solve an irritatingly persistent problem with the water system. The tenant, an honest and simple man named Henderson, had attempted to come up with a solution on his own, but to no avail. He then consulted the steward, Mr. Bailey, but their two heads together had also not been able to design a solution. With Mr. Darcy's years of experience in running the Pemberley estate, they were hopeful on this day that their combined wisdom would succeed.
They would succeed, eventually, as soon as Mr. Darcy was able to fully focus on the problem at hand. It seemed to Mr. Henderson and Mr. Bailey that the master of Pemberley was a touch distracted. Both men were inclined to attribute the reason for his distraction to the debilitating heat of the day, but both men would have been surprised to know how wrong they were. As had become his habit in recent days, truly ever since he had lost his heart to Elizabeth Bennet, Darcy could not seem to shake the image of a pair of fine eyes he could drown in, a head of glorious dark curls he longed to run his fingers through, and a sharp wit and sense of humor he could listen to for eternity. Knowing she was just a short distance away made all the images and feelings more acute, and although Darcy could never be accused of neglecting his duty to Pemberley, he was not quite at his best at present. He knew that he could not be fully at his best until everything was finally resolved between himself and Elizabeth, until the curtain of uncertainty was finally lifted and he would know once and for all the secrets of her heart.
Darcy was observing while Bailey and Henderson were trying to put into action a solution they had all come up with a short time ago. Off in the distance, he saw the beginnings of a rising cloud of dust moving in his direction. Gradually, he began to hear the rumbling of carriage wheels from the same source. Darcy had arrived at the tenant farm on horseback with his steward, and he knew that the approach by carriage was not a smooth one for it was not frequently used. His curiosity, naturally, was piqued. He also could not help a twinge of alarm. What if it was Dr. Shelton coming to tell him that Elizabeth had suffered a setback in her recovery, some sort of relapse? He felt his chest constrict painfully at the very thought of it, but he tried to reassure himself that he had seen her up and well just the day before. Surely things could not have turned for the worse so quickly? Still, he could not be comfortable until he knew for sure that she was alright, so he began to make his way down the road with brisk, rapid strides.
As he and the carriage continued to approach each other, he could not help but notice that the carriage was very grand indeed. It also looked a bit familiar. When the driver saw that Mr. Darcy was coming to meet them on the road, he pulled on the reins to slow the horses to a more reasonable pace. Darcy recognized one of his own Pemberley servants on the perch next to the driver. He had obviously been recruited by the party in the carriage to give directions, but why? What the devil could have been so important that the person in the carriage could not have waited for him to return to the house? The obvious urgency of the visit worried him.
His worry jumped to a completely new level when the door of the carriage opened and his aunt alighted onto the road in front of him. Elizabeth's health was no longer his immediate concern; now, he rapidly started to file through the names of his family members, wondering if some sort of accident or illness had come upon them. Had his aunt been sent to tell him of some bad news about Colonel Fitzwilliam, or Georgianna? He braced himself, hoping against hope that he was wrong, that surely he had already endured his share of heartache for the year. This was certainly not a social call, however. As his aunt strode forward, she looked very agitated and terribly determined all at once. Darcy bowed to his aunt and began to greet her, saying, "Lady Catherine, what a pleasant --"
"Yes, yes, I know you are glad to see me, but there is no time for pleasantries now. I must speak with you at once," Lady Catherine cut in emphatically, not even allowing Darcy to finish his sentence.
"Of course, aunt. What is the matter?" Darcy's question was anxious; he did not want to wait to hear any bad news. If his aunt had come bearing bad tidings, he wanted her to come out with them at once.
He should not have been concerned about a delay. Lady Catherine had been saving up her diatribe ever since leaving Elizabeth at the house, and she launched in immediately.
"You must get those people out of your house at once, nephew. There are alarming reports circulating, and you truly must not allow them to stay another night, nay, even another hour might be too long."
"Those people? Whomever are you referring to?" Darcy asked, his confusion at this line of conversation evident on his face and in his voice.
"That obstinate girl Elizabeth Bennet and her common uncle are the people to whom I am referring, Darcy. I had to come to Pemberley at once when I heard the reports, and after speaking with that girl, the situation is worse than I originally thought. You must do something!"
Darcy's patience was being tested, and he was disturbed by the mention that his aunt had spoken to Elizabeth, but he was determined to calmly figure out what had his aunt so upset.
"What are these reports you have been hearing, and what do they have to do with Miss Bennet?"
"First, I heard two days ago that the eldest Miss Bennet was to be most advantageously married to your friend Mr. Bingley. While disturbing in its own right, this news was not the cause for my journey. Shortly after I confirmed the truth of their engagement, I heard further reports that Miss Elizabeth Bennet was also soon to be married."
Darcy felt his stomach turn and his heart lurch. He didn't want to ask, but he had to know. "To whom?"
"That is the most shocking news of all. She was supposedly engaged to you! Is that not the most outrageous thing you have ever heard? I knew it had to be a scandalous falsehood, so I set off for this place at once to confront Miss Bennet. I did not want to believe that she was actually staying at Pemberley; indeed, I truly would not have believed it until I saw it with my own eyes."
Darcy was beginning to understand the purpose behind his aunt's visit, and with his burgeoning understanding came a simmering anger. He tried to clamp down on it when he replied,
"You confronted Miss Bennet? What did you say to her?"
"I demanded that she contradict the report at once, of course. And do you know how she responded? She refused to oblige me! She put me off at every turn and blatantly refused to answer my questions. I had not thought her so ill-bred, but she really is a most obstinate, headstrong girl."
That anger was growing to a rolling boil, especially when his aunt insulted Elizabeth's breeding and character. He longed to snap back and rise to the defense of his beloved, but his curiosity about her response to the officious behavior of Lady Catherine temporarily won out and forced him to keep a lock on his temper. He already felt a sense of pride that Elizabeth had managed to stand against his aunt's interference. Not very many people had ever managed to refuse Lady Catherine anything, for it took a will as strong as her own to accomplish it.
"And when she refused to answer your questions, how did you respond?"
"I told her, naturally, that any match with you to which she had the presumption to aspire could never take place since you are engaged to Anne. I told her that if she interfered with your intended union with Anne, she would be despised and scorned by all the family and all our friends in society. She didn't seem to care a bit! In fact she had the audacity to say that 'the wife of Mr. Darcy must have such extraordinary sources of happiness necessarily attached to her situation that she could, upon the whole, have no cause to repine.' Can you imagine? She defended her connections, claiming to be your equal in station since she is a gentleman's daughter. I reminded her of her other low connections, but she said that as long as you didn't object to them that it shouldn't matter. I have never been so shocked and offended in all my days."
Darcy didn't know if he had ever experienced such a mix of emotions in all his days. His aunt's words sent him on a ride, flowing between anger, indignation, pride in Elizabeth, and the most surprising of all: hope. Hope had planted itself anew in his heart on hearing Elizabeth's words to Lady Catherine.
There were 'extraordinary sources of happiness' waiting for the woman who would be his wife? Did she really feel that way? She seemed to have been willing to step forward and fight against any outside objections to a union between them. Could it truly be that she no longer thinks of m as the last man in the world she could ever marry? It certainly seemed that her opinion has undergone a radical shift?"
But Darcy sensed that his aunt wasn't finished, and he was nearly jumping out of his skin to hear the rest of what his beloved had said.
She indeed was not finished, and she continued, "But the worst was yet to come! Finally, I asked her straight out if she was engaged to you. She gave me the first clear answer I could get and told me she was not. I was so relieved! But then, I asked her to give a simple promise that she would never enter into an engagement with you, and she refused!"
"She did?" Darcy couldn't believe his aunt had asked such a question, and he was equally disbelieving of Elizabeth's answer. She would not make a promise not to marry him. The new seed of hope was being watered and nourished with each new report from Lady Catherine, and it was sprouting rapidly now.
"Yes, she said she would make no promise of the kind. I then had to bring up the recent elopement of her youngest sister, trying to convince her how disgraceful it would be for such a girl to be related to you. I should have known that my arguments would have fallen on deaf ears. I asked if she was resolved to ruin you, and she said that she was only resolved to act in a manner that would constitute her own happiness. I am most seriously displeased, and I am concerned about her staying in the same house with you. She is, I am certain, trying to trap you into an engagement. You should be worried about having her so close to you. She would no doubt use any method, any arts or allurements to draw you into her web. It is imperative that she return to her own family at once; that is why I could not wait at the house for your return. I had to find you immediately to warn you to resolve this situation at once. There is no room for delay."
Does she now really think marrying me will constitute her happiness?
For Darcy, hope was sprouting now, growing strong and vibrant inside him. Elizabeth's emphatic defense of the possibility of a connection with him broke through his uncertainty like a beam of sunlight through an overcast sky. Darcy almost smiled at the irony in his aunt's last comments. He found his first point of agreement with her, and let her know it, saying, "Of course you are right, Lady Catherine. I agree that a resolution must be found immediately. I will not put it off any longer than it will take me to return to the house."
Lady Catherine's relief was evident, and she wanted to speed his return to the house. "Would you like us to drop you off there in the carriage? It will give you the chance to converse for a few minutes with Anne, maybe even discuss plans for when we can announce your engagement. I am sorry I cannot stay to help you, but I promised Lord and Lady Kensington that I would dine with them on the morrow. I must start back towards London with all haste, but we could delay for a few minutes to see you delivered back to the house."
Darcy was more than happy to be able to refuse this invitation. Not only did he have no intention of discussing any engagement with Anne, now or at any time in the future, but he was also able to use the excuse that he had his own transportation.
"No, you should be on your way. I will get back faster if I ride my horse than if I go in the carriage with you, and it will take you out of the way of the main road. And since time is of the essence, any delay is to be avoided."
I need to get back to Elizabeth as soon as possible. I must know whether this hope is false, or whether I am on the brink of having all my dearest wishes fulfilled.
His aunt would have had a heart attack if she had known the course of his thoughts, but he had much practice in keeping them safely hidden behind a calm facade.
He bid Lady Catherine goodbye, strode back to where his horse was tethered in front of Henderson's house, and explained to his steward that he needed to return to the main house immediately. He played Elizabeth's remarks over and over again in his mind as he rode, but was almost jolted from his saddle as a stunning realization confronted him:
Elizabeth is probably just as unsure of my true feelings for herself as I was of hers. This confrontation with Lady Catherine might have fed her worries and doubts. Even though Elizabeth had stayed strong in Lady Catherine's presence, I wonder how she is feeling now? Has she taken any of Lady Catherine's offensive comments to heart? Is she worried that she may be disgracing me by being in my house? Or worse, yet -- does she believe I would take my aunt's advice seriously?"
Darcy could not put everything together in his head with such tumultuous thoughts, but he just knew in his gut that he had to get to her -- Now!
He kicked his heels into his horse's sides, urging it on towards the limits of its endurance. His heartbeats counted off the time, something of which he felt was rapidly running out. The time for his hopes to finally be realized was now!
Do not let me be too late!
Chapter 32 – Finale
Mr. Darcy almost injured himself upon his return to the house. He broke one of the cardinal rules of horsemanship: never try to dismount from a horse that is still in rapid motion. He did manage to get his feet on the ground without breaking his neck, but it was a very close thing. He threw the reins to the stable boy without even glancing in that direction, his entire being focused on getting into the house. However, he could not help but admit to himself that he was more than a little frightened about what he would find when he got there. Almost nauseated with worry that she would already be gone, he was overjoyed to see Mrs. Reynolds coming towards him when he entered the house. He also noticed that the rest of the servants were rushing about in something of an uproar, a rare sight for Pemberley, which was usually a beacon of decorum. Darcy knew from experience, though, that anything was possible when Lady Catherine was about.
"Mrs. Reynolds," he called out somewhat breathlessly, "what is all the fuss about? What is going on?"
He was almost afraid to ask the question, afraid of the answer, but it would determine his next course of action. If she was already gone, he would have to go after her. If she was still at Pemberley, he would have to figure out what to say to her.
Mrs. Reynolds seemed surprised to see him back at the house so soon. As usual, she was more than prepared to give him a report of the happenings at the main house while he had been out on the estate, which was one reason among many why Mr. Darcy valued her service so much. She would give the unvarnished truth without fuss or overt ceremony.
"Did you know that Lady Catherine de Bourgh was here, sir? She took a stroll on the grounds with Miss Elizabeth, but then left very abruptly. It was all very strange. Miss Elizabeth was very upset when she returned and insisted that she and her uncle must leave as soon as possible. The servants have all set to the packing of their belongings, but apparently Mr. Gardiner is having a hard time finding his favorite hat. Everything else is set for their departure, but Mr. Gardiner insists that he cannot leave without his hat."
"Mrs. Reynolds, will you please tell Miss Bennet that I would like to see her in my study as soon as possible? I have some things to settle with her before she departs."
Mr. Darcy tried to speak these words with a calm he was far from feeling. As Mrs. Reynolds curtsied and left him, he turned to walk towards his study to wait for the woman he loved.
Elizabeth was ready to tear the guest room apart to find her uncle's hat, so anxious was she to be gone before Mr. Darcy returned to the house. She had never considered herself a coward. Indeed, the way she was able to hold her own in her recent confrontation with Lady Catherine was a mark of the courage in her character. She was not one to back away from anything, and somewhere within herself she knew her current behavior to be somewhat irrational. Deep down, she was afraid. She was afraid of what she was feeling for Mr. Darcy, afraid of how he would react to Lady Catherine's report, and afraid she would never quite be the same again if he rejected her. It would not be easy to walk away. But in her current jumbled state of mind and emotions, she believed it would be easier to walk away than to face him and see the disapproval and coldness in his face.
At the moment, she was frustrated because her uncle, while expressing the importance of his favorite hat to anyone who would listen, did not seem to be investing an incredible amount of effort in looking for it. Mr. Gardiner knew his niece was in distress, and he was sorry to be contributing to it. But he could not help but smile a bit whenever her back was turned. He was enjoying his turn at acting and knew that his wife would be proud of him when he told her the story. All he had to do was stall until Mr. Darcy returned to the house; then, he had to trust that the man who was in love with his niece would not let her walk away until he told her so. Then, he would conveniently remember that he hadn't brought his favorite hat with him on this trip; it was safe in his house in Gracechurch Street. He smiled again; he couldn't help it.
Elizabeth turned around at that very moment and caught her uncle in a grin that could only be described as boyish and somewhat naughty. "What are you smiling about? Aren't you frustrated that you can't find your hat? And why aren't you searching harder? We need to find it so we can get out of here!"
"I'm sorry my dear, I got caught up in thinking about one of my fondest memories of my hat. Of course I want to find it. Perhaps I threw it under this chair?"
"Uncle, you already looked under that chair five minutes ago. Can we not just let the staff continue looking? They can send it express to you in Gracechurch Street as soon as they find it."
"No, my dear. I know how much you want to be gone, but I insist on finding my hat before we depart. It should just be a few more minutes."
"You said that nearly an hour ago!"
Mr. Gardiner could tell that Lizzy was nearing her wits end, which was why he was very glad to be interrupted by a knock on the door. He called out, "Come in," and Mrs. Reynolds entered the room.
"Begging your pardon, but Mr. Darcy has returned and would like to speak to Miss Elizabeth in the study as soon as possible."
Lizzy's voice was strangled when she replied, "Did he say what he needed to speak to me about?"
"He only said he had some things to settle with you before your departure, ma'am."
Lizzy nodded, resigned to her fate. She followed Mrs. Reynolds out of the room, and Mr. Gardiner was finally relieved and able to smile as widely as he wanted.
Mr. Darcy was seated behind the wide mahogany desk in his study as he waited for Elizabeth's arrival. He knew it might look slightly intimidating when she entered, but for some reason he felt the need to put the large barrier between them. Otherwise, he might do something impulsive to settle the situation, like kissing her passionately the moment she walked in the door. While he felt that impulse every time he saw her, his emotions were running so high and in so many directions at that moment that he just did not know if he could control himself. Thus, his seating position in the room was not an effort to intimidate, but it was an attempt at self-control.
He heard her coming, heard the doorknob turn, and everything he had been planning to say took the shortest route out of his head. He was floored by her, as usual, but there was nothing usual about all this. The full weight of the situation had not descended upon him until she was in his presence. The rest of his life was about to be determined. Their eyes locked, and held, and neither one of them could find a way to start the conversation.
Suddenly feeling suffocated by the confines of a room that usually brought him great comfort, he managed to say, "Would you care to take a turn around the grounds with me, Miss Bennet? It has turned into a very fine day."
Lizzy was still a little breathless from the way he had looked at her when she entered the room, but she was quickly brought back to reality by his question. Of course.
He does not want any of the servants to overhear when he throws me out of his house, she thought to herself sadly. She lowered her eyes and replied quietly, "Certainly, Mr. Darcy."
He led her out of the study, into the foyer, and out through the doors onto the grounds. Neither one of them spoke; there seemed to be too much to say for words. Mr. Darcy kept letting his eyes wander towards her as they walked side by side, but they would dart away whenever she turned in his direction. Each was wondering what the other was thinking, and neither at the moment could have guessed if they had tried.
Elizabeth finally realized that this was going to be the last time she saw him, so she had to seize the opportunity given to her. She had never thanked him for all he had done for her, for Lydia, for her family. The timing may be awkward, but it was her last chance. Now was the moment when she had to act, so while her courage was high, she immediately said:
"Mr. Darcy, before you throw me out of your house, I must thank you for all your kindness to my poor sister and to the rest of my family. I know the part you played in the marriage and the financial settlement, and ever since I have known of it, I have been most anxious to acknowledge to you how gratefully I feel it. Your hospitality to me and my family during my illness has been nothing short of extraordinary, and I am sure if all the rest of the circumstances were known to them, I should not have merely my own gratitude to express."
Mr. Darcy had been so startled when she spoke that he had not heard her comment about being thrown out. He was equally surprised at the topic she had chosen to address, but he did not know that she considered this conversation to be their last. So, he only responded to her gratitude, which he had so strenuously tried to avoid, by replying,
"I am sorry, exceedingly sorry, that you have ever been informed of what may, in a mistaken light, have given you uneasiness. I did not think the Gardiners were so little to be trusted?"
"Oh no, you must not blame my uncle for telling me. Lydia's thoughtlessness first betrayed to me how deeply you had been involved in the matter; and of course, I could not rest till I knew the particulars. Let me thank you again and again, in the name of all my family, for that generous compassion which induced you to take so much trouble and bear so many mortifications, for the sake of discovering them and bringing the marriage about."
"If you will thank me, let it be for yourself alone. That the wish of giving happiness to you might add force to the other inducements which led me on, I shall not attempt to deny. But your family owes me nothing. Much as I respect them, I believe I thought only of you."
Elizabeth was much too embarrassed to say a word, and Mr. Darcy had finally come to the point where he was ready to take the plunge. After a short pause, he added,
"You are too generous to trifle with me. If your feelings are still what they were in April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes are unchanged; but one word from you will silence me on this subject forever."
Elizabeth, feeling all the more than common awkwardness and anxiety of his situation, now forced herself to speak,
"Oh, my feelings – my feelings are… I am ashamed to remember what I had said to you then – my feelings are so different! In fact, they are quite the opposite!"
Immediately, though not very fluently, she gave Darcy to understand that her sentiments had undergone so material a change since the period to which he alluded, as to make her receive with gratitude and pleasure his present assurances. Elizabeth truly could not believe her good fortune; that this man whom she had come to feel so much for would still be willing to marry her after all the things she had said to him and all the things his aunt had undoubtedly told him. She could not prevent the smile that burst forth across her face as brightly as the summer sun.
The happiness which her reply produced was such as Mr. Darcy had probably never felt before, and he expressed himself on the occasion as sensibly and as warmly as a man violently in love can be supposed to do. Had Elizabeth been able to encounter his eyes, she might have seen how well the expression of heartfelt delight diffused over his face became him; but, though she could not look, she could listen, and he told her of feelings which, in proving of what importance she was to him, made his affection every moment more valuable.
They walked on, without knowing in what direction. There was too much to be thought, and felt, and said, for attention to any other objects. She soon learnt that they were indebted for their present good understanding to the efforts of his aunt. The results of those efforts were exactly contrary-wise to one she had intended.
"It taught me to hope," said he, "as I had scarcely ever allowed myself to hope before. I knew enough of your disposition to know that had you absolutely decided against me you would have acknowledged it openly."
Elizabeth colored and laughed as she replied, "Yes, you know enough of my frankness to believe me capable of that. After abusing you so abominably to your face, I could have no scruple in abusing you to all your relations."
"What did you say of me that I did not deserve? My behavior to you at the time was unpardonable. I can hardly think of it without abhorrence. Your reproof I shall never forget: 'Had you behaved in a more gentlemanlike manner.' You know not how those words have tortured me."
"I had not the smallest idea of their ever being taken in such a way."
"I can easily believe it. You thought me devoid of every proper feeling, I am sure you did. The turn of your countenance I shall never forget, when you said that I could not have addressed you in any possible way that would induce you to accept me."
"Oh! Do not repeat what I said then."
"I have been a selfish being all my life. As a child I was given good principles but was left to follow them in pride and conceit. And such I might still have been but for you, dearest, loveliest Elizabeth!"
They continued on in this way, sharing small pieces of their feelings and thoughts, revealing more of themselves, happy in the knowledge that it would now be the process of a lifetime. Soon, however, they realized that they had been gone from the house for far too long. Mr. Gardiner would be the first to hear the unexpected (but not to him) news of the engagement of Fitzwilliam Darcy to Elizabeth Bennet.
Epilogue
In later years, family members (with the exclusion of Lady Catherine, who never quite got over being disobeyed) would take delight in the story of the circumstances that brought Mr. and Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy together. Even though it took a series of misunderstandings, prejudices, a near-fatal accident, an elopement, meddling relatives, and a missing hat that was never actually missing; the happiness that resulted from the union more than made up for the long and sometimes painful path that led them to it.
Mr. Gardiner was forgiven almost immediately for his interference by both Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy. On the occasion of their marriage, they presented him with a token of their appreciation for the small but valuable charade that allowed them to finally resolve matters between them. It was a brand-new hat.
The End