Posted on Tuesday, 13 June 2006
The light from the two spluttering candles barely penetrated the dark. This was not surprising considering the clock had just struck midnight moments before. The ageing alchemist sat back suddenly and shouted with joy. He had done it! His life work was complete! The most important thing in the world was under his control! Wealth was worth nothing; he had tried that in his youth. Eternal youth was also pointless. What was eternity worth if you had nothing to do with it? Now he had the key to perpetual entertainment. He had total power over public opinion!
Well, in theory, he had total power over public opinion. He needed to test his theory. First he would start out small. His neighbor had three blond daughters. He would convince the world and the girls themselves that they were dark haired.
It worked! Three days had gone by and the entire world was convinced the Shore family was all dark-haired! They had even gone so far as to dispose of the portraits they had commissioned just last year, because they all depicted fair-haired people who were obviously not related.
Now it was time for a more extreme example of his power. He packed his bags and went to London. He searched out, in the poorest part of town a young lady he could use. She would have to be relatively healthy, but otherwise she could be anyone. He found her in a small inn. Her father had died and her mother had married the innkeeper. If the man of science was not mistaken, the step-father would soon be tiring of his step-daughter's presence. This girl would do nicely.
First he worked his magic on the family. They were easily convinced the daughter they had known had died along with her father. Then the girl herself was cleared of all memories. She became instantly biddable and easily led. She was promptly bundled into a carriage and taken to the country. To be safe he would choose a middle-class family. The Bennets would do fine. If he were to fail, they had little enough power to really harm him.
The Bennets were easily convinced that the young girl was Elizabeth, the daughter that had in fact died the day after she was born. His subject was also easily convinced she was a gentleman's daughter. From a safe position the alchemist watched the family live with their change. No one noticed! The entire community was unaware of his ruse! It worked!
He was soon fairly bored with this phase of the experiment. Now he had to find a way to retrieve his subject. His initial attempts almost ended in disaster. He needed to remove the girl from her home to work his magic. If she was still familiar with even one member of her new community, she was stuck. He briefly considered leaving the situation as it was, but dismissed this idea. He simply could not leave this wench in such a desirable position. The new times he lived in might be slightly more liberal then his medieval upbringing, but he could not accept such a common girl becoming a gentlemen's daughter!
His attempts to snatch the girl through stealth lead to him having to flee the county. He had been a suspected criminal before, and he easily made his way quietly back to his workshop. There he transformed his looks and again made himself a young man. He also developed a plan. First he had to re-stock his supplies. He quickly changed himself into a person trusted by the Bennet family. A distant relative could easily insinuate himself in with them all. If he gave himself a desirable enough position he could even convince the girl and her parents to let her wed him! This would ensure her being in his power long enough for her to be put in her place. Nothing to grand was necessary to be sure. Even a gentleman would be too good to be true. It had to work! When he had this chit in her rightful place he could then go about his plan to take over the world.
"May I hope, Madam, for your interest with your fair daughter Elizabeth, when I solicit for the honor of a private audience with her in the course of this morning?"
Before Elizabeth had time for anything but a blush of surprise, Mrs. Bennet instantly answered, "Oh dear! - Yes - certainly. I am sure Lizzy will be very happy - I am sure she can have no objection. Come, Kitty, I want you upstairs."
Quickly enough the pair was alone. Mr. Collins did not delay. With his usual flair he set about proposing to the girl. "Believe me, my dear Miss Elizabeth, that your modesty, so far from doing you any disservice, rather adds to your other perfections. You would have been less amiable in my eyes had there not been this little unwillingness; but allow me to assure you that I have your respected mother's permission for this address."
Thus the alchemist continued, using the best words he could think of to convince the girl to marry him. Before his most recent experiment he had not been in a social situation for several hundred years, but how much could things change after all? And really, if he was so powerful, did he really need to be charming? When he was almost done with his speech things began to go wrong.
"You are too hasty, sir," she cried. "You forget that I have made no answer. Let me do it without further loss of time. Accept my thanks for the compliment you are paying me. I am very sensible of the honor of your proposals, but it is impossible for me to do otherwise than decline them."
With shock the alchemist looked at the woman he had made almost as surely as if he had been her mother and father together. How could she deny him! It was not to be born! "How dare you! I created you!" He shouted. "You were a common tavern wench when I found you! You cannot turn me down! I am all powerful!"
Mr. Bennet was soon made aware of the shouting going on in his house. He quickly found the source of the disturbance. With shock he ordered the raving Mr. Collins locked up. The man had obviously gone completely mad. He was raving something about Elizabeth being his creation. She was, according to the mad man, nothing but a tavern wench he had tricked the Bennets into receiving as a daughter. This was of course nonsense. The midwife who delivered Elizabeth was still living and could with great clarity testify that Elizabeth Bennet was indeed the same girl she helped bring into the world almost twenty-one years before.
The unfortunate Mr. Collins was locked in a barn, where he continued to rage. It was only when a doctor from an asylum came to take the alchemist away that he realized his temper had gotten the better of him. Now he had to waste materials in convincing the world he was not mad and not even related to the Bennets, then he would try again. To his sock and displeasure, he had left all his ingredients at home.
It did not take long for the alchemist to become aware of his true predicament. He had no means to free himself from his prison! He tried reasoning with the doctors, but no matter what he said they did not believe him. This made him loose his temper, which only convinced them all the more of his insanity.
"Such a shame, my dear, that Mr. Collins turned out to be mad." Mrs. Bennet said peevishly. "He would have made a very good husband for Lizzy. Now I don't know what we will do when you die. He shall turn us out into the hedge rows to be sure!"
"My dear," Mr. Bennet answered with great patience. "I don't think you understand the full consequences of my cousin's madness. He was the last remaining male heir, excepting myself. The Bennet family has not had much luck producing males for several generations. My esteemed cousin and I were the last of the line. I believe Mr. Collins madness, which has been certified by several doctors I might add, makes him incapable of inheriting Longbourn. Now since my grandfather's oldest daughter, my aunt, has recently died, Jane is next in line to inherit. You know enough of her kind nature to be sure she would never turn you out into the hedge rows."
With this happy declaration Mr. Bennet escaped to his library to avoid his wife's raptures. Mrs. Bennet, her biggest fear being taken away, did not turn into a rational creature. However, Mr. Bingley, hearing of Mr. Collins malady, decided to come to comfort the Bennets in their embarrassment. He was quickly convinced of Jane's regard for him. When Mr. Darcy returned for the wedding, he was able to overcome his faults in manners and convince Elizabeth to love him. But that is all a different story.