Beginning, Previous Section, Section V, Next Section
Posted on Sunday, 19 February 2006
Elizabeth had no desire to spend another day in her family’s company, especially when the alternative was to spend it quietly in Will’s. She called Jane early in the morning to express her regrets about missing a round of shopping with their mother. Jane was neither fooled nor surprised. In fact, had she been able to think up an excuse to avoid taking Dolores around the stores then she would have chosen to stay home, too.
Upon learning of Elizabeth’s plans, Will was equally pleased at the prospect of an afternoon curled up with her... and perhaps a good book.
Thus the day was spent. Georgiana made them some lunch and while they ate, chatting amiably, she observed how much the break had relaxed her brother and their guest. Although she had at first wondered at the wisdom, it had certainly turned out to be one of Jane’s better ideas to remove her sister from the centre of the storm. Georgiana thought Will and Elizabeth made an ideal pair, particularly when she had occasionally glanced over to see him absently stroking Elizabeth’s arm as he read.
The afternoon quickly passed, then Elizabeth persuaded Will to help her make dinner. Georgiana could hear them from where she sat reading her own book; soft voices as they decided what to make and gathered the necessary ingredients, Elizabeth scolding Will for being careless and making a mess, followed by a moment or two when nothing seemed to be said or done. Georgiana chuckled and kept reading.
Eventually, Elizabeth peered out of the kitchen. “Dinner’s ready,” she announced.
They ate in the dining room, the twinkling lights of the tree providing a soothing ambience.
“It’s been a very nice holiday,” said Georgiana. “I’m going to find it hard to go back to Vancouver.”
“When do you have to leave?” Elizabeth felt the disappointment as well. Although their time together had been short, she had easily grown attached to Will’s sister.
“I have another couple of days. I really can’t stay longer than that.” Despite being encouraged by the progress in their developing relationship, Georgiana couldn’t help feeling a little bit anxious about Elizabeth’s more fragile emotional state since her parents had arrived. Sooner or later there would be a crisis to face and she hoped that Will could handle it on his own for it was likely to happen while in his company. “I wish I could but I’m still the junior of our practice team so the rest of the holiday period is mine to cover.”
“I remember having to work the holidays when I first started my job, too.” Elizabeth’s voice was slightly wistful.
Georgiana reached over to place a hand on her friend’s arm. “You’ll be working again, Elizabeth. Don’t lose hope of that happening.”
“Thanks.” Elizabeth nodded with confidence. “You’ve given me another goal to aim for.”
As she sipped her wine, thoughtfully turning over what little George had told her of his history with Will, she considered the mystery of the man himself. He was not what she’d been led to believe, nor was he what she had originally thought; selfish, thoughtless and vain. Watching him stand silently near the doors leading back out to the deck, she shook her head in bewilderment.
George had lied. That was nothing new but it only served to make her more annoyed with herself for believing his slander about Will, for she had no doubt it held not a grain of truth.
She moved around the room, carefully keeping others between herself and where George was standing. Occasionally she could feel his gaze burn across the exposed skin on her shoulder but refused to let it stop her.
She saw Will leaning against the door frame, looking out into the darkness of the night. With his back toward her, she could study him without fear of discovery. She watched the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, the way he fingered the stem of his wine glass before taking a sip, and observed with interest the expressiveness of his facial features reflected in the glass. Though not relaxed, his shoulders did not convey the uneasiness that she was feeling at inspecting him so closely. Should George realise her fascination..... but no, he would not be so insightful. She had come to understand just how self-centred he really was, despite all appearance to the contrary.
She raised her eyes once more, discovering that Will had turned and was now looking in her direction. He did not meet her gaze, however, for his was focussed beyond and his bearing was no longer unaffected.
“Ah, you see how it is, don’t you?” The voice grated on her. “But he doesn’t dare do anything to me here.”
Her head bowed, eyes closed. “Maybe we should go home.”
“Not a chance!” George placed a hand on her shoulder, his other arm taking her by the waist. “It’s his problem, not mine. If he doesn’t like seeing me here then he can leave.” His lips left a wet mark on her cheek.
She tried not to look up as George propelled her across the room. A brief glance informed her that Will had not lingered once the other man’s intent was made known. She heard her companion laugh.
“What did I tell you? The guy’s a loser.” George spun her around toward himself. “You need a strong man, Lizzy. That’s why you’ve got me. I don’t need to tell you that, though, do I?”
“No,” she listlessly replied. “You’ve told me too often already.”
“What?” His fingers dug into her arm.
She pasted a weary smile on her face. “That Will Darcy is a loser. You know, if you tell me too many times I might end up feeling sorry for him.” The explanation proved sufficient for he let go of her and laughed loudly. She berated herself for resorting to such a means of escape but it was too soon to make the break. All was not yet prepared and she could not risk angering George before she was ready.
“What are you doing still up? Don’t tell me you are working!” Georgiana stood in the open doorway, hands on hips. “Will, you spent the entire day relaxing. You should have let it stay that way and just gone to bed.”
He shook his head, half amused and half annoyed. “I’ve left this too long. It has to be done and I don’t want to do it when I have the chance to be with Elizabeth.”
“Why aren’t you with her now, then?”
Putting down the pen in his hand, Will let out an impatient sigh. “Georgie, you know why. Contrary to what you may think, nothing has happened between us while she’s been here. Having said that I’ll admit that I have no desire to see her go back to Jane’s once their parents have gone home. I’ve enjoyed our time together here. I don’t want it to end.”
His sister stepped into the room and closed the door. “Will, nothing has to end but Elizabeth should go back to the Bingleys’. Both of you are too tempted here. I didn’t say anything earlier but Elizabeth has been having bad dreams. I’ve been up a couple of times with her.”
“Why didn’t you wake me!”
“I truly think it was better this way. She needed a woman’s ear. There are matters she isn’t ready to face with you, yet. They will come, though.” She couldn’t say any more, not without breaking a promise of confidence. Georgiana could tell he wasn’t happy with her answer. He wanted to know more but knew better than to ask. “Get some sleep, Will. Put away your work and go to bed.”
“Yes, mother.” He stuck out his tongue in a very juvenile manner as his sister departed.
The room was dark. Unfamiliar with the arrangement within, Elizabeth could only stand in the doorway and call his name. She heard his breathing change and she said it again. “Will?”
Eventually there was a sleepy response. “Lizzy? What’s wrong?”
A shadowy figure approached and Elizabeth reached out with relief. In the warmth of his embrace she snuggled into him, letting out a long sigh. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled against his chest.
“What’s this?” Will lifted her chin so that he could see her face. “Why are you apologising?”
“I’ve been such a fool,” she said, her voice hesitating.
“Lizzy, Lizzy.” Kissing her brow, Will led Elizabeth to a chair then sank to the floor in front of her, holding her hands firmly. “You are not a fool and there’s no need to apologise. I love you. I’m not going anywhere. I won’t leave you.” He pressed her hands to his lips, softly kissing her fingers.
She raised eyes filled with pain to stare imploringly into his. “I don’t want to be alone. Please, stay with me tonight, Will. I’m....,” her voice trailed off to a whisper, “scared.”
“Scared! Lizzy, what frightens you here?”
“I can’t do it anymore, Will. I’m coming apart.” She was trying hard to keep her voice steady. “He’s there when I sleep. Sometimes he’s there when I simply close my eyes. Help me, please! Let me stay with you. I’m safe when you’re near me.”
Will’s expression reflected her torment. ‘Lizzy, I can’t protect you from your dreams. Lord knows I would if it were possible! You’ve been holding it in for too long, though. Have you spoken with Dr. Wendell about them?”
Elizabeth shook her head, fighting to keep the tears at bay. “Will, why didn’t you tell me about your sister and George?”
Guilt stabbed at him and his eyes closed briefly. “It was years ago. It wasn’t the same. I’m grateful only that she escaped without being harmed. With Georgiana it was all about money. He wanted control of her money. I was able to lock it away from his clutches until Georgie saw him for what he was.” Pressing his forehead against Elizabeth’s, Will said, “I wish I had done something to spare you.”
“Oh, Will. It explains so much.” Tears finally found their release. Elizabeth clung to him, unable to speak, unwilling to even think about what needed to be said. Will held her tightly, the tears of pain and anguish continuing to flow. She mumbled incoherently, her throat tight and tongue uncooperative. He could do nothing but soothe with soft words and rock her gently to and fro. It was quite some time before Elizabeth was exhausted and her sobbing slowed.
“Lizzy, how do you feel now?” he asked when her breathing sounded almost normal again. “Would you like me to get you something?”
Elizabeth shook her head, pushing herself away and trying to collect her shattered emotions. For a moment she felt her head spinning and leaned back against the chair, staring intently at a spot on the far wall to regain her equilibrium. Then she began to shake, tremors coursing through her, and Elizabeth wrapped her arms around herself.
“Let it all out, Lizzy. Go on,” Will urged.
Try as she might, though, Elizabeth could not get the words out. She felt angry, frustrated, cheated; all that George Wickham had taken from her and she couldn’t even curse him aloud! She gave in, producing a strangled cry and waving her fists for emphasis.
“Here,” said Will, grabbing a pillow. “Use that. Destroy it. Pretend it’s George.”
Elizabeth stared at the pillow, tested the softness and concentrated. She filled her mind with images of George Wickham, felt her fear and loathing rise. Then she carefully put the pillow down and pushed it away, turning her gaze on Will. “No. I won’t let him have that power. I won’t,” she insisted, chin held high, “become him.”
Will pulled her closer. “Venting your anger and pain by ripping apart a pillow would never make you like him. Never, Lizzy! You have every right to feel angry, you’re entitled to your feelings, to hate George Wickham if you choose. Lizzy, oh Lizzy,” he whispered, his own anger barely controlled. “He almost killed you!”
Elizabeth felt the pain anew, this time not for herself, but for Jane and Charles, for Will and the agony they had suffered for so long, never knowing if she would live or die, or even continue on in that suspended state. She picked up the pillow again. When she spoke, her voice was quiet. “I do hate him. I hate him.” She pulled at the fabric but lacked the strength to do any damage to it. That served to frustrate her more and the pillow flew across the room. Elizabeth was on her feet after it, kicking repeatedly until something else caught her eye. In a flash she had the letter opener in her hand and was tearing into the pillow in a frenzy. The stuffing littered the floor around her; she was oblivious to everything until the rage dissipated and she was left drained once more, staring at the destruction around her.
Will tentatively reached out a hand. “Elizabeth.” Although he barely whispered her name the effect was electric. She inhaled sharply, her body jerking to attention. Her skin was cold under his touch. Gently, he removed the opener from her grasp and put it on the desk.
Elizabeth looked up, shadows of fear returning. “He hurt me.”
Will was unsure what to do and so he simply waited.
“I can’t make him go away,” she continued, her voice monotone, detached. “In my dreams he’s there. He’s always there. Sometimes he’s nice but more often he’s not.” Her expression grew puzzled. “You’re in my dreams, too. None of that is real; none of it happened, but I wanted it to.”
“Elizabeth,” he said again, daring to take hold of her cold fingers. “Tell me about the dreams.” She shook her head. “Elizabeth,” Will insisted. “You can’t keep backing away from it. You’re so close! He’ll never go away until you get it all out in the open.”
“But I’m scared,” she whimpered.
“I’m here,” he assured her. “I’m here and I won’t let anyone harm you.” Without waiting for her to speak, Will returned Elizabeth to the chair and once again knelt at her feet. She seemed to be more composed, or perhaps she was just too exhausted to feel anymore. “Let’s face him together.”
She nodded but still didn’t speak for several minutes. Finally the words began. “They start the same, moments from the past. Some are pleasant, some are cruel. Sometimes he turns into you and I am saved from having to relive the –.” She stopped, unable to finish that thought. “Other times you never appear.”
“I should have done more. I’m so sorry, Elizabeth.”
She continued as if she hadn’t heard him speak. “I wanted you. It began slowly but before long I knew George was evil and I had made a horrible mistake... and I wanted you. It was too late, though. I’d doubted you and you were gone. George was there but I wanted him gone. Then the dreams came. Nightmares, really. I could escape but only so far. George always managed to win in the end. Even when you appeared to save me in my dreams there was no happy ending.”
Swallowing painfully, he asked, “What do you mean?”
“The more I wanted you, the more he hurt me.”
Will ground his teeth together forcefully. “It was the same in reality, wasn’t it? Anyone, anything you wanted brought out his sadistic impulses. He must be the sole desire or he becomes jealous of the attention going elsewhere.”
“Will, don’t. Please don’t say anymore.”
He got to his feet in one rapid movement and began to pace. “Oh, Elizabeth! What horrors did you suffer all those months!”
“No, Will. It wasn’t what you think.”
“Then what was it?” he demanded, his anger getting the better of him. “What did George do that makes you so afraid, even of me? I can see it in your face sometimes. I don’t know what I’ve said but you shrink away and look so..... terrified.” He finished quietly, appalled at what he’d just done. “He knew. He knew you no longer wanted him and that’s why he did it.”
“He didn’t know,” Elizabeth tried to interrupt but Will was too agitated to listen.
“It was because of me.” He resumed pacing the room, his thoughts following another path. “George realised he’d reached the end of your patience and saw how I felt about you. He thought he could teach us both a lesson at the same time!” Will slammed his fist against his forehead.
Elizabeth jumped up, concern overriding her own distress. “He didn’t know, Will!”
“Oh, Lizzy, I’m sorry. I’m sorry!” Almost crushing her with the strength of his embrace, Will repeated himself again and again, begging her forgiveness as together their tears formed a bond that would eventually heal their wounds.
Posted on Sunday, 26 February 2006
Daylight fell across the blankets. Elizabeth blinked, her eyes tired, the lids heavy from too little sleep and too much crying. She wondered if any amount of coffee would be able to make her feel human again.
After the initial appraisal of her own state she shifted her attention to Will, only to discover that he was awake and watching her, too.
“How long have you been staring at me?” she asked, wincing at the gravelly sound and sore throat.
“Not staring, my dear, and not long. You know I would happily gaze upon you for hours.”
“I look a fright this morning,” she complained. “My eyes must be all red and puffy. I feel awful.”
“It would hardly make me love you less,” Will chuckled. He rubbed his thumb gently across her lower lip. “You’ll feel better after some breakfast and maybe we could go for a walk to get some fresh air.”
She sighed heavily. “Even that won’t help me get through this afternoon. I wish I could just –.”
“Shh, shh.” His arms tightened around her protectively, one hand cradling her head against his chest. “Don’t think about that, yet. See how you feel later and if you still don’t want to go to Jane’s we’ll figure out some excuse.” A muffled laugh sounded below his chin. “I am serious, Elizabeth. After last night I’m not sure you are strong enough to face them again so soon.”
She raised her head to look at him. “They’re leaving tomorrow. I didn’t see them yesterday. I can’t miss the dinner that Jane’s planned.” Tears threatened to spill over again. Elizabeth was amazed that it was possible. Her eyes felt dry, her emotions spent, when she had awakened but at the first disagreement it was as if everything had begun anew.
“I won’t allow them to hurt you.” Will’s voice was firm.
Indignation sparked. “I do not need protection from my family!”
The words were on the tip of his tongue but Will swallowed them at the last second. “Forgive me, Elizabeth, but I can’t help feeling that you do. Even before they arrived you have been on edge, as if afraid.”
“I’m not afraid of my parents,” she muttered. “They love me and I know they truly do. Not like George. He said he loved me but it was a lie. He only loved himself.”
Will had to look away. “I have to admit that I just don’t understand your father. Your mother, on the other hand, is rather easy to figure out, but....”
Elizabeth once again felt vulnerable. She chose to turn over, her back toward Will, and snuggle as closely as possible, shutting out his words. They had spent hours during the night, drawing out painful thoughts and memories, examining feelings and shedding more tears. Dolores and Ted’s involvement, or lack thereof in Will’s opinion, had only been lightly touched upon.
Will’s frustration and anger had slowly waned. He could not maintain such a feeling with regard to Elizabeth but was more than willing to apply it to those who had let her down. At a time when she most needed them, her parents had walked away. He was equally willing to apply that criticism to himself despite the confusion which continued to surround his understanding of events. There were still some things left unsaid, details Elizabeth was reluctant to reveal, but the ground that had been covered in one night of passionate discussion seemed to imply that very little remained to explore.
Once again Elizabeth tried to assure him that there was no danger in spending a few hours with her family and although he was far from believing it, Will agreed to be less stringent in his objections. Yet despite her determination, Elizabeth was apprehensive. Her mother was no longer a worry. Dolores had said her worst, poked and pushed the questions of marriage, children and, most surprisingly, Will’s true character. That had been quite unexpected, as was Mary’s opportune assistance in securing a private moment or two, for Elizabeth’s younger sister had never been particularly interested in her siblings’ activities, let alone encouraged them.
Naturally, this brought Elizabeth’s thoughts full circle and she had not quite decided on her feelings where her father was concerned. She had to concede Will’s point when she considered Ted. Many of his remarks seemed calculated to wound, either herself or Will, yet she was loathe to think of him as being deliberately cruel.
She huffed in irritation. Too much thinking was making her head hurt. “I don’t need to be protected from my family,” she repeated.
“How about we get some breakfast?” Will hoped the change of subject would help her to relax again. He left the warmth of their makeshift bed and stretched, noticing the remains of the pillow still littering the floor. He began picking up the pieces of stuffing as Elizabeth roused herself . As Will bent down to retrieve some fluff he heard her quiet voice.
“He’s not usually so harsh.”
“Who?” His own thoughts were so chaotically arranged that he wasn’t sure if Elizabeth referred to George, her father or someone else.
“Dad.” She spoke with her back to him, folding the blanket slowly. “I mean, he must be feeling awkward, too.”
“You’re making excuses for him, Elizabeth.”
“No –.”
“Yes,” Will interrupted. He moved to stand in front of her, taking her hands in his own and frowning. “Let him explain his own behaviour. I wouldn’t give him the benefit of the doubt.”
Pulling her hands free, Elizabeth tilted her chin into the air. “You don’t know him like I do.”
Will shook his head, struggling for patience. “No, but I don’t believe he deserves the trust you are prepared to give.”
“He’s my father!”
“Exactly, and just where was he when George Wickham was –. I can’t even imagine an excuse for him to ignore what was going on!”
She whirled about and stalked away, across the room. Will stayed where he was, confused by his own reaction and completely baffled by Elizabeth’s. Before either of them could say more another voice intervened.
“Just what the hell is going on here? I could hear your voices from my room.” Georgiana glared at her brother, then shifted her gaze to Elizabeth with only a slight softening of her expression. “Well, speak up! One of you say something!” Much to Georgiana’s surprise, Elizabeth fled the room, leaving both Darcys foundering in her wake. “What the....? No, Will,” she said forcefully, stopping her brother with one extended arm. “Leave her be. I’ll go to her in a minute.”
“No, I’ve upset her. I’ll talk to her.”
“Sit!” commanded his sister before Will could make any move toward the door. “I said sit and I mean it! You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what happened.” She waited for him to comply. “Now, what did you do to upset her?”
“It wasn’t intentional!” he defensively replied. “Look, Elizabeth had one of those nightmares last night. She came to me because she was frightened and we talked for hours. It was very.... emotional. This morning she’s having second thoughts about seeing her family again before they leave.”
Georgiana’s eyes narrowed as he said the last. “Are those her words or your interpretation of her feelings?”
He frowned in thought. “Well, she said she wished that....” Suddenly realising that he hadn’t let her finish voicing that wish, Will had no idea what Elizabeth had intended to say. “You’re right. I just assumed and then our argument began.”
“What was it about?”
Shaking his head, he sighed. “I’m not sure I know, now. I thought she meant to stay home instead of going to Jane’s but then she insisted the dinner can’t be missed. I don’t want to see her hurt again. You know how Ted has been, practically every word and look is insulting, but then Elizabeth said she doesn’t want my protection and that I don’t understand her father.”
“Will, did she really say she doesn’t want your protection? Think carefully. She sought you out when she needed you last night. That doesn’t sound like someone not wanting to be protected.”
Will’s frustration had ebbed and fatigue had settled into his mind. “What she said was that she didn’t need to be protected from her family.”
Georgiana groaned inwardly. She reached out to touch her brother’s shoulder. “Will, I’ve seen a number of abused women come into the clinic for help and there is one thing they all have in common. It’s a pattern that all abusers share and that’s isolating the victim from her friends and family. When the victim has nobody else but the abuser it’s almost impossible for her to leave the situation. Your motives are good but if you see it from Elizabeth’s point of view your desire to protect her is going to accomplish the same thing; separation from her family. That must terrify her.”
He swore and let his head fall back against the chair. “I am so stupid!”
“Not stupid, Will. You care too much and it’s getting in the way of your good sense.” She squeezed his shoulder to get his attention. “Elizabeth knows you wouldn’t hurt her but I think she’s just as confused about rebuilding the relationship with her father. Heaven only knows what Ted is thinking.”
“What about today, though? It’s the last opportunity for them both unless one or the other is prepared to travel to sort it out. I can hardly imagine a phone call would solve the problem if five days in each other’s company hasn’t already done it. Georgie, I want to help her.” Will began to sound desperate. “But it seems that everything I do brings me to another wall.”
“Surely not everything,” she scolded. “Two steps forward and one back. This is that step backward, that’s all.”
“Do you think....” Will hesitated, then started again. “Perhaps it’s time for me to let her meet them on her own, without my presence.”
Georgiana nodded. “That might be a good thing. If Elizabeth doesn’t feel easy about it I’m sure Ted will be more relaxed and that might help them both.”
“He really doesn’t like me,” grumbled her brother.
“I wouldn’t take it personally.” Startled by his abrupt rise from the chair, she asked, “Where are you going?”
Determinedly, Will looked at her. “I will give Elizabeth the choice by offering to stay here this afternoon if she thinks she’s ready.” Softly he added, “I’ll be more considerate in my choice of words this time.”
Elizabeth was lying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling.
Not my bed, she corrected herself. Will’s bed.
Their argument had left her feeling aggravated but without a source to blame for it. She couldn’t fault Will and she had long since become reconciled to experiencing periods of dissatisfaction and restlessness that could only be attributed to the memory of George and his influences. She hadn’t wanted to argue with Will, but then to have Georgiana overhear and feel compelled to intercede brought Elizabeth more embarrassment than comfort.
A tap on the door, followed by Will calling her name, drew Elizabeth from her brooding. She opened the door to welcome him into the room, giving him no chance to say anything. Instead, her arms were around him and still more tears found their way to escape.
“Lizzy, Lizzy,” Will murmured at the first opportunity. “How can I apologise for making this more difficult for you than it already is? I wasn’t thinking and I let my own feelings take over rather than listen to yours.” He waited for her to speak but Elizabeth said nothing. “I don’t know how to say this without sounding arrogant. I wonder if things will be easier if I don’t go with you to Jane’s.”
Elizabeth’s head came up, her eyes searching his expression anxiously. “What do you mean?”
He smiled gently, easing her sudden concern. “Nothing permanent, I assure you. If you think I’m wrong just say so but I thought your father might be less... awkward without me there.”
“Oh,” she breathed out in one long syllable. “I was afraid that....”
“I promised you that I’d always be here and I will. If you decide to go alone then remember that you only have to call if you change your mind. I’ll come as soon as you ask.” Emphasising his vow with a kiss, Will made sure she understood his love was constant and able to withstand any storm.
“Isn’t Lizzy coming down?” Dolores started toward the stairs, her purpose clear. She was already calling her daughter’s name as her foot hit the first riser.
“She’ll be down later, mom.” Jane spoke a little more loudly than she intended. “She was tired and decided to take a nap before dinner.”
“I was afraid this would happen!” cried Dolores. “She’s going to end up back in the hospital, suffering from exhaustion.”
“Hmm,” grunted Ted. “I doubt that bodyguard of hers would let that happen.”
“She’s too stubborn, always has been, and you encouraged her!” his wife accused. In a rapid change of tune she turned to Jane. “Oh, where is Will?”
“No Will today,” Jane quickly replied. “They spent a quiet day together yesterday.”
“She looked tired the other night, I thought.” Mary cautiously peered over at them to see how her opinion was received.
“And no wonder! All that running back and forth from here to there must be draining. I do hope it hasn’t been too much for her.” Dolores looked up the stairs again. “Do you think I should check on her?”
“No,” Jane said with decisive authority. “If she sleeps until dinner it’s because she needs it but I’ll wake her if she doesn’t get up by then. Lizzy regularly napped in the afternoons until the last few days. I’m sure it’s caught up with her.” That was all it took to distract her mother. Jane ushered them all out of the hallway, although Ted appeared reluctant to move at first, glancing periodically up the stairs.
As it turned out Elizabeth appeared not more than a half hour after her parents arrived. She felt a little better, though not refreshed, by her short rest. Satisfied that at least her eyes no longer looked red and her mind did not feel as fuzzy, confidence boosted by the knowledge that Will was only a phone call away, she greeted her mother and Mary with genuine enthusiasm. Cautious was her reception of Ted Bennet and he seemed equally wary. Elizabeth determined to ignore him as much as possible and to simply enjoy what she could of the day. There was an odd comfort in listening to her mother’s disjointed conversation. Dolores jumped from topic to topic, never much different but for the names of the people whose lives she was designing. In the past Elizabeth had found it annoying, or simply tuned it out, but her recent hardships brought a new appreciation for family in general, and the woman who had given them life in particular.
It was also refreshing to spend some time in idle gossip, learning what her former neighbours had been up to during the last year; who had married, divorced or had babies. Although she occasionally felt a longing for Will’s company, it was not prompted by any distress but was a pleasant wish to share visions of their future together.
Before sitting down to dinner Elizabeth excused herself to phone Will, to reassure him that she was fine and all was going well. He sounded relieved, which only served to make her miss him more but she suppressed the desire to ask him to come anyway, knowing that it would make their later meeting all the sweeter for the wait.
She found that Charles kept Ted sufficiently occupied during the meal that it was not necessary for her to speak to her father at all. Despite such good fortune, Elizabeth did notice that his attitude appeared to have softened and, although the thought did not please her, admitted that there must be some truth in Will’s suggestion that his presence had caused much of the earlier friction. It saddened her to think a choice might eventually be forced upon her. There was no question what her decision would be should it come down to that, but the afternoon had been so enjoyable and a reminder of what the happier days had been like when they were a family at home together that Elizabeth was painfully aware of what she had already lost.
It was an early end to the evening since the rest of the Bennets had a long drive ahead of them the next day. There were tearful goodbyes at the door, Dolores liberally applying tissues to her eyes and nose as she hugged each of her daughters, and Charles, before finally being ushered outside. Mary was more collected but she did whisper in Elizabeth’s ear a wish to see her soon, either at home or at Jane’s.
Ted had no emotional plea to make. He thanked Jane and Charles for their hospitality then stood for a moment, looking at his boots. At last he raised his head and met his other daughter’s gaze. “Lizzy,” he said, then fell silent. Elizabeth stiffened as he suddenly stepped forward and clasped her to him in a powerful embrace. He said nothing more, however. Almost as quickly she found herself standing alone as her father walked out the door.
Posted on Sunday, 5 March 2006
Georgiana softly closed her book and looked over at her brother. He had been sitting silently in his chair since Elizabeth had gone to bed, his own book untouched on the table beside him. His expression was serene, a faint smile on his lips, while his eyes appeared focussed somewhere outside the room. It brought her a feeling of great comfort to see him so relaxed despite the events of the last twenty-four hours. Both Elizabeth and Will had withstood the worst, together. Elizabeth had suffered more, of course. Hers was the greater burden to bear. She had wisely accepted the support of her sister, brother-in-law, Will and even Georgiana. Bravely meeting her family on her own, she had managed better than Will, for he had been eyeing the phone every minute until the call had come that it was time for Elizabeth to return. They had been home scarcely an hour before she had confessed to being too tired to stay up any longer.
The sound of the doorbell startled them both. Will blinked, looking at his watch. When he opened the door he was even more surprised.
“Hello, Will.” Ted Bennet shuffled his feet and stole a glance over the other man’s shoulder. “I’d like to see Lizzy.”
“Lizzy,” Will repeated. “Of course. Come in.” He stepped aside to motion Elizabeth’s father through the doorway.
“Jane’s never been a good liar,” explained Ted. “Dolly will believe anything but I knew Lizzy was living here, with you.”
Will’s jaw tightened. “She’s not living with me. Elizabeth has been staying here the last few days. It made it easier for her to limit the time spent with some of her family.”
“Yes.” Ted smiled wanly. He made no effort to disguise his disbelief of the explanation nor did he acknowledge the thinly veiled barb.
“Please sit down. I’ll let Elizabeth know that you’re here.”
Ted chose the chair that Will had recently vacated. Tentatively, he smiled at Georgiana who politely enquired after his wife and other daughter.
Returning to the living room, Will said, “Elizabeth will be out in a minute. She was asleep.”
“I’d like to speak with her alone,” announced Ted, adding, “if that’s okay with you.”
Will remained standing and raised his chin, forcing him to look even further down his nose at Ted. “That will be up to Elizabeth.”
“Of course.” He looked around the room, noting the quality of the furnishings, what appeared to be original artwork on the walls and the general orderliness.
“Hi Dad.”
Ted turned in his chair to see his daughter standing behind Will, looking very small and lost in a large, dark robe. Plainly, it was a man’s robe; Will’s robe. He left his seat and faced her. “Lizzy, I didn’t want to go without.... well, without making sure you are alright.”
Her eyes narrowed. Will recognised the look and moved a little closer to her.
“Will?” she said, never taking her gaze from Ted. “I need to speak privately with my father.”
Will did not permit his concern to show but offered the use of his office. He hoped Elizabeth would derive some confidence from the surroundings since they had spent the previous night there together and had reached a greater understanding of one another. When he closed the door behind them, Will returned to the living room and looked at Georgiana helplessly.
“Do you think she’s ready for this?” his sister asked.
“I don’t know. I hope so. Otherwise we’re going to have a lot of pieces to pick up when he’s gone.” Will sank down into a chair which afforded him a view of the closed door.
Elizabeth fingered the ears of the small stuffed puppy she’d picked up from the pile of folded blankets. She intended for her father to speak first.
Ted obliged her by saying, “You look well.”
“You saw me only a few hours ago,” she reminded him.
“Yes, you looked well then, too. I expected you to be more tired after the last few days.” He glanced about the room, ill at ease.
“I am tired. That’s why I went to bed so early.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realise I’d be disturbing you. Lizzy, I don’t want to go back home without an attempt to make amends.” He had no chance to say more, interrupted by Elizabeth’s outraged cry.
“Make amends? How do you propose to do that?”
Startled, his prepared words abandoned him. “For a start, we talk. Share our feelings about what happened.”
“Ah, okay.” Her eyes flashed. “I’ll share my feelings right now! Where were you when I needed you? I thought I had a father who would protect me but I found out he preferred to leave me to the wolf!”
“You’re not being fair,” he objected.
“Fair? What has fairness to do with anything? Where were you when I was crying at night, afraid to think, wanting my dad to rescue me from the wretched mistake I’d made? Did you encourage mom to call me, to prevent me from being alone and stop George from dominating my every move?” Elizabeth felt a floodgate opening and she desperately held onto what little control remained.
“You make it sound as if we didn’t care.”
“We? We?” She practically shouted the word at him. “I’m not talking about you and mom and Mary! I know who kept them away. I know why they didn’t call. Why didn’t you give me that comfort, at least? How could you take it all away from me like that?”
“It all sounds so simple when you put it that way.” He shook his head. “If only it had been. Some decisions are never easy, my dear Lizzy.”
Anger was written in every line of her body. In a flash her hand flew up to slap him but stopped just short of making contact with his cheek. “You let him hurt me.”
“I didn’t realise –.”
“You didn’t care,” Elizabeth accused.
“That’s not true.” The denial carried no weight. “I’m sorry, Lizzy. There was nothing I could do.”
She refused to look at him, preferring to turn her back and look anywhere else. “So you’ve said. I can’t understand it.”
“It’s a long story.”
Her shoulders rose and fell with a forceful sigh. “Either tell me or go. I have no interest in hearing anything else you have to say if you won’t explain how you could allow George to do what he did to me.” Still she refused to turn around, listening to silence for some time before Ted’s quiet voice brought her attention into focus once more.
“When you were a little girl you saw me through innocent eyes. I was your hero, putting a bandage on your scraped knee, protecting you from the monsters that lived under your bed. But you grew up, the monsters went away and the bandages were no longer necessary. You needed a different kind of hero, the kind I could never be.”
Sharply she asked, “Why not?”
The tone of his voice changed, became more assertive as if narrating a story. “You’ve a strong will, Lizzy. You didn’t get that from me. No, it’s your mother’s strength. She’s not intelligent, you know.” Immediately he grimaced and sought to clarify his words. “I don’t mean that in a cruel way. Lord, if she’d been smarter she never would have married me! She would have realised that I didn’t have the... I didn’t aspire to much. She could have had a lot more.”
Elizabeth had nothing to say. Her father’s candour was shocking. She had never heard him speak of his wife in such a way.
“I saw by the time you were a teenager that my usefulness to you would be short lived. Difficulties became more complex but you were able to solve them on your own. Don’t think that bothered me, though. Seeing you grow independent made me proud, so proud! It had nothing to do with me, of course. Your mother was the driving force behind you and your sisters. I just sat back and watched.”
“Yes, and did nothing at all,” she scornfully commented. “I had to be the one to intercede when Mom would have pressured Jane into marrying that idiot from high school.”
“It would never have gone that far,” he countered. “I don’t want to see any of you girls marry unwisely. You all deserve better.” He took a moment to think of how to say the rest. “I feared that Jane would suffer the most, that she would have ended up with a man –.”
Elizabeth swung around. “Who would beat her? Someone like George Wickham? Yes, Jane is so sweet and good. That could easily have been her fate.”
“Charles is an excellent young man. He is exactly what I’d like for all of you.”
“We don’t all want a man like Charles, Dad. He’s a fine one, sure, but.... maybe Mary would be happy with another guy like him. Cathy and I are different. It’s that strong will you were talking about earlier.” Sinking into a chair, she hugged the stuffed puppy close, looking more fragile every moment rather than like the strong woman she used to be. “Maybe if we’d had a better example while growing up then I could have seen what was wrong with George at the start,” she spat out.
“Certainly I accept the blame!” cried Ted. “I should have done more. I should have tried harder, but Lizzy, surely you must realise the truth! I’m a coward. I did nothing because that’s all I’m capable of doing. I honestly didn’t think George was what he was until Jane came to us, concerned about you. Of course, she was closer both emotionally and physically so your mother and I had no chance to see what was really going on.” Ted’s chin dropped to his chest and his voice became quiet, though not distant. It was heavy with emotion, the words choking him. “I didn’t want to know what was happening. You were able to handle him better than I ever could, Lizzy, but it brought me no comfort. The only recourse I saw was to shield your mother and sisters from the worst.”
Elizabeth inhaled sharply. Every emotion seemed to descend on her at once, not one identifiable. They were all fighting for an outlet, squeezing closed her throat and leaving her breathing in shallow little gasps. A tiny voice managed to pass her lips. “But I needed you, Daddy. It was me, not them.” Elizabeth’s eyes were tightly closed, her mind a jumble of memories and feelings and fears. “Daddy, please help me. Take me home. I want to go home.” She had slowly curled up in the chair, legs tucked up and arms hugging her knees to her chest.
Ted moved toward her, relieved to hear her words. ‘My dear Lizzy, of course you may come home! I want you to be safe from all harm and I won’t let anything or anybody hurt you at home.” He reached out for her hand.
“Don’t touch me!” she cried, her eyes seeming to stare through him. “Please,” she repeated in a whisper, “don’t touch me.”
Confused, he stepped back, an icy fear gripping him. For the first time he wondered how deep his daughter’s emotional scarring had gone. “Lizzy, I’m not going to hurt you.” His words had an unexpected effect.
“That’s what you always say,” she whimpered, “but you do it all the same.” Sobs began to break from her, softly at first and then gaining in intensity. “I hate you. I hate you!”
The door suddenly burst open and Ted looked up in shock as Will rushed to Elizabeth’s side. She flew into his arms, crying uncontrollably. The younger man’s anger was plain to see although he spared only a scathing glance in Ted’s direction. Georgiana had followed quickly on her brother’s heels, ready to intervene at any second.
“Please, Will... please... oh, please,” Elizabeth kept saying. “Make him... leave. Make him g-g-go away.”
“Make who go away, Lizzy?” Georgiana gently asked, her hand on Elizabeth’s cheek. “What do you want us to do?”
“G-George. Make him leave me alone!” Clinging to Will more fiercely than ever, she would not, could not open her eyes. She was trapped in images from the past, real and imagined.
Georgiana looked at the broken man standing a few feet away, his body slumped in sorrow and defeat. Then she turned her attention to her brother, noting that Will was watching Ted, no longer with anger but with uncertainty. She took Elizabeth’s hand in her own, slowly detaching her from Will. “He’s gone now, Elizabeth. George is gone and he won’t be back.”
“He is?” Elizabeth blinked, clearly still confused and lost in the fog of remembrance. Tentatively, she allowed her eyes to take in the room, starting when she saw Ted. “Daddy? Finally,” she breathed in relief. “Finally you have come!” Then she looked at Will and, for a moment, seemed to be asking him a question with her gaze. Shaking her head, Elizabeth banished the last disturbing fragments from her mind and took hold of Will’s hand. She felt him squeeze her fingers, solidly affirming the reality of his presence. “I’m okay,” she said. “I’ll be okay now.”
Will’s frown deepened. He looked past Elizabeth to his sister, seeking her opinion. Georgiana barely moved her head to communicate her own uneasiness with the sudden assertion. When Elizabeth released Will’s hand and stepped toward her father the tension in the air seemed to come alive.
“I’m sorry, Dad. I can’t forgive you for.... anything. Not yet.” Elizabeth briefly closed her eyes, biting her lip. “Maybe some day.”
Ted bowed his head, accepting the inevitability of the situation. “I understand, Lizzy.” He took her hands, noting thankfully that she did not pull away. “I’ll look forward to that day when we can be friends, at least.” He glanced over at Will and tried not to imagine the worst. Daring to show his daughter one last time that he truly did care, Ted hugged her close and whispered, “I don’t really know this man you’ve chosen as your champion but Charles vouches for him. I trust his opinion and can only hope Will is the man you believe him to be, Lizzy. I really do.”
Posted on Sunday, 12 March 2006
“How was Christmas with your family?”
Elizabeth considered her haggard appearance and set aside the impulse for sarcasm. “The holiday itself turned out better than I expected. It was the last day that proved difficult.”
Dr. Wendell calmly enquired, “How so?”
“I would need to start at the beginning to explain that.” Uncomfortably aware that the doctor was patiently waiting for her to continue, Elizabeth’s hands twisted together on her lap. “I’ve been having nightmares.” She looked up to see how her confession was received.
“You’ve not mentioned that before.”
“No.” There was a long pause while she again wondered what the doctor would say. “I wasn’t ready to talk about them.”
Crossing her legs, Dr. Wendell nodded silently. “Do you feel you are ready now?”
“Yes,” whispered Elizabeth, then cleared her throat and said more forcefully, “Yes.” She was still not able to meet the other woman’s gaze, however. It was easier to speak of such matters when she could remain detached and that was simply not possible despite Dr. Wendell’s soothing manners. “They are always about George,” she said, stating the obvious, “starting out with something from the past, something that really happened. He’s nice, I feel safe and happy, but then it all suddenly goes wrong. Things change and it’s not real anymore. I can’t get away no matter what I do and even when Will appears, which usually happens, there’s still no escape unless I wake up.”
“How does that make you feel?”
Elizabeth found the question, voiced so mildly, infuriating. “It’s a nightmare! How do you think it makes me feel?”
“Some people find nightmares make them angry, others become frightened or sad, perhaps frustrated.”
“Well, mine terrify me!” Leaving the comfort of her chair, Elizabeth sought the cold reassurance of a marble sculpture that she’d long admired and which sat on a pedestal near the office window. As her fingers ran over the cool stone’s surface she looked out upon the city below. “Sometimes even when I’m awake something will happen and I’m suddenly transported back to a time and place where I’m with George and he’s... I think that scares me more than anything else.”
Dr. Wendell’s brow creased in thought. “What brings you out of this state of fear, grounds you again?”
Her patient closed her eyes and stated firmly, “Will.”
“How does he do that?” There was no hint of skepticism in her tone. It was a simple question.
Elizabeth’s stance relaxed slightly. “He’s there when I need him. He listens, holds me and... he loves me.”
“Jane loves you, too. You’ve not told her about these dreams, though?”
“Jane’s different. She has too much on her mind. I won’t burden her with this and she certainly doesn’t need to know the details. I can’t tell her those.”
“But you can tell Will.”
“No,” she whispered, her head suddenly lowering in shame. “I can’t tell him, either, and he hasn’t pressed me for them. He did suggest I talk to you about it, though.”
“Is that why you chose to do so?”
Elizabeth shook her head. She wanted to say that her preference was to keep all those bits of information to herself, locked away until forgotten, but when she had awakened that morning the bleak sky was a reminder of what her life could be like if those memories continued to haunt her. “No. I want to be rid of George once and for all. If I have to be hurt all over again to do it then that’s the way it must be. And I want to do it now; not next week, not next month or next year.”
Dr. Wendell sat straighter in her chair, her air more businesslike. “How would you like to start?”
Charles waited until Elizabeth had gone to bed before broaching the subject on his mind. “She seems different, Jane. What do you think it is? The time she spent with Will or your parents’ visit?”
“She hasn’t said much about either but Elizabeth was even quieter after seeing Dr. Wendell today. It’s a different kind of quiet, though. I can’t quite put my finger on it.” Jane raised her brows at her husband. “What do you see?”
“Aside from how tired she looked there seemed to be less resignation. There’s more confidence in her voice when she speaks.” Charles shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not sure if it has anything to do with staying at Will’s. I haven’t talked to him, yet. He was quite elusive at the office today.”
Jane was nodding her head. “Yes, confidence! That’s what has been lacking in her until now. Even with all the hard work she’s put in, all that determination to heal her body and the success with exactly that, she has never really seemed to have confidence.” With a note of sadness she told him that her mother had called when they had reached home, informing her daughter that Ted had visited Elizabeth at Will’s house the previous evening. “It didn’t go well at all. Not that I expected my sister to accept his apologies so easily but apparently it triggered some kind of breakdown. Elizabeth was hysterical, delusional.”
“I wouldn’t believe every word your mother says. Neither Will nor Elizabeth have given any indication that such a thing happened.”
“Mom wasn’t there. She’s only repeating what Dad told her and he wouldn’t exaggerate like that.” When Jane thought of how her sister had looked that morning, the red-rimmed eyes and general exhaustion, it wasn’t difficult to believe her mother’s tale. “Besides, Will isn’t going to say anything if Elizabeth asked him not to.”
“Maybe that’s why he avoided me all day,” mused her husband. With a sudden move he got up to retrieve the phone. “I’ll call him now.” He was disappointed, however. There was no reply at Will’s home number and his cell phone went unanswered as well. Charles concluded that his friend must have sunk himself into work while he had the chance. Georgiana had left that afternoon and with Elizabeth returned to the Bingleys there was nothing to draw Will home from his office. His questions would have to wait until the morrow.
Long after the water had grown cold Elizabeth lingered in the shower, letting the spray continue to run over her body. She wondered how long it would take before she ever felt clean again. Shivering, she turned off the tap and reached for a towel. The warm softness enveloped her and she was reluctant to let it go.
Once in her room, however, Elizabeth’s thoughts again turned to considering her future. Since returning to Jane’s she had been forcibly struck with the realisation that she no longer had a home. There was no question that her sister and Charles welcomed her and the time at Will’s was equally inviting, but there still remained a feeling of dependence and that was something Elizabeth could not accept. Furthermore, she did not want to transfer reliance on Jane to reliance on Will. It was time to start thinking about resuming a life of her own.
There would be objections from other interested parties, of course, not the least of which was her own conscience. The afternoon session with Dr. Wendell had opened up a new dimension in Elizabeth’s recovery. She was eager to move forward and face the worst of the past.
At the same time it was frightening.
She’d had nightmares from the time she left the hospital but leaving the familiarity of her bedroom at Jane’s, with all of her own furniture and personal trinkets, had seemed to make the dreams more intense when she stayed at Will’s. She had no desire to repeat the painful experience that occurred with her father.
As for her job, it would be impossible to resume her former occupation. She’d lost the ability to trust and the kinds of people with whom she had previously come into contact needed and deserved an unbiased, non-judgmental social worker. Strangely, this loss did not trouble her as much as she had expected.
The most surprising of all, though, was the childlike longing for her mother. Dolores Bennet had by no means been a neglectful parent but neither was she the supportive one that Elizabeth could admire while growing up. More often than not she had turned to her father when in need of advice or support. Dolores had supplied the comfort for an insecure toddler testing her self identity but it was Ted with whom Elizabeth later bonded for he encouraged her tomboyish behaviour when her mother would prefer to have her little girl in frilly dresses.
Crawling into bed, Elizabeth yawned and turned away from the window. There was too much to think about with no easy answers. If wishes could be guaranteed....
In ten years I could be happily married to Will, with four little boys and a house my mother never even dreamed about. She giggled at the image, determined to pursue this line of thought until she fell asleep.
Charles planned a pre-emptive strike. Rather than go to his own office when he arrived at work the next morning, he went to Will’s. He wanted to be sure to catch the man before he could leave instructions not to be disturbed. Staring for a moment at the figure slumped at the desk, however, Charles’ first words were not the polite greeting he had anticipated.
“Good Lord! Have you been here all night?” Will gave a brief nod and resumed staring into the empty glass he held in his hands. Charles took note of the bottle, nearly empty, parked beside him. “What’s going on? I tried to get you last night but you didn’t answer your phone. Does this have something to do with Ted’s visit to Lizzy?”
A guttural noise issued from the direction of the desk. “Not exactly.”
Charles ensured the door was firmly shut then pulled a chair up beside his friend and sat down. “Okay, you’ve got me thoroughly confused now. Just last night I was saying to Jane how I see a confidence in Lizzy that was never there all these months and I figured it was a good thing. I sure didn’t expect to find you moping about, staying up all night with a bottle for company. Did you two have an argument?”
A smile crept into the corners of Will’s mouth. “When don’t we argue?” He then became serious once more. “Yes, it was Ted’s visit but not Ted himself that had me thinking all night.”
“Dolores said Lizzy had some kind of breakdown. I thought she was exaggerating.”
Will looked up to see the concern written in Charles’ gaze. “No, it was no exaggeration. Elizabeth didn’t even recognise where she was. She thought her father was George.” Carefully, he set the glass down on the desk. “I never thought I’d feel sorry for that man but the look on his face was devastating. Elizabeth... I thought she’d faced the worst but I was wrong. I think it’s only the beginning, Charles, and...”
“Will, you’re not giving up!” Charles slapped his palm on the polished wood. “I don’t believe I’ve ever seen you give up on anything! It would kill Lizzy if you leave now.”
“Don’t be an idiot, Charles,” growled Will, abandoning his chair and walking unsteadily across the room. “I could no more leave Elizabeth than I could take my own life. There are too many things unsaid, though, too much I don’t know about her relationship with George and how this all came about. Somehow I’m in the middle of it and I have to know the truth.”
“What are you talking about? What do you mean you are in the middle?”
“Hear me out before you say anything else.” Drawing in a deep breath, he began. “George Wickham and I go back a long way. My father worked with his for many years before starting up this company. He then hired Bill Wickham as a senior manager. Our fathers were close enough friends that we kids were often in one another’s company. George was trouble, though, and I knew it. He was always looking for a scapegoat for his crimes, too. It began with petty vandalism but eventually escalated. By the time Bill passed away, he had a heart attack in his sleep, George was convinced that he was owed a job here by virtue of our parents’ friendship. My father would have given him one until I stepped in and advised him not to. George’s idea of work is to sleep until noon, show up at three to flirt with the secretaries and then go home at five. Call me a tyrant but I expect employees to earn their pay.” Will returned to his chair but remained standing beside it. “My father was disappointed, naturally. He died not long afterward and everything fell to me. George tried to persuade me to give him a chance but I refused. That was just the beginning. He used many people, women, in his efforts to either manipulate me or gain the upper hand. I became his personal symbol of everything that was wrong in his life.”
“I had no idea you knew him so well. You never said anything to me, even when Elizabeth began seeing him.” Charles fell silent, suspecting what Will had not yet said.
“No, how could I? When I learned of his involvement with her I had already lost my chance. It would have only appeared to be jealousy, which I admit did exist, or that I held a grudge and wanted to make their lives difficult.”
“Well, I wouldn’t have seen it as either!” scoffed Charles. “Why would you care what George thought of your actions? Elizabeth didn’t know how you felt, anyway, so she wouldn’t believe the jealousy bit.”
Will sat down heavily in his chair, his head resting in his hands. “She knew.” At his friend’s surprised expression he explained further. “I told her the night before your wedding. I hadn’t intended to but the timing and the setting worked against me. It seemed to be perfect; romantic and she looked so beautiful.” He quickly dismissed the memory. “I botched it completely. You would laugh at my ineptitude.”
“Hardly.”
“Never mind. Elizabeth knew of my feelings for her and if she so much as hinted to George about it, he could never let it lie.”
“She wouldn’t have said anything, I’m sure.” Still, Charles found himself wondering what Elizabeth had thought of Will after that.
“Not intentionally, I agree, but if he did figure out where my interest was then she wasn’t going to be safe.” He laid his hands, palm down, on the cool wood. “I think that’s what happened.”
Charles’ head snapped around to look at Will intently. “You think he beat her because you were in love with her?”
“I think that was part of it and I have to know, Charles. I want you to make arrangements for me to visit George.”
Alarmed, the other man’s voice was grim. “Will, don’t do that.”
“I’m not asking for your opinion. I’ve weighed the dissuasive arguments already. I want to see his face when he lies to me about how remorseful he feels. I’m not letting him get away that easily.” Will’s determination was written in the taut line of his jaw. He stared fiercely at a point on the far wall.
“Will, he’s not getting away with anything. He’s in prison, just as he should be.” Charles’ frown deepened as he tried to think of every angle he could use.
“Save your breath. If you won’t help me I’ll just find someone else who will.” The tension in his body eased a little. “Charles, I have to do this; for Elizabeth, for myself and for us as a couple. There are some issues that must be settled before we can move forward together. Both of us have a deep seated anger directed at George Wickham. I need answers that only he can give.” Will shrugged, impatience evident in his voice. “Just get me in there to see him, Charles!”
Against his better judgement, Charles relented. “I’ll call this afternoon and let you know when, but get this straight, Will. I’m going with you. You aren’t the only stubborn one around here.”
Posted on Sunday, 19 March 2006
Jane welcomed her sister when she appeared for breakfast. “You slept well, I hope. You aren’t usually this late in getting up!”
Elizabeth smiled cheerfully. “I did sleep well, thank you. It was a good day yesterday and I hope today is even better.”
“Wow, what’s inspired this confidence, Lizzy?” She poured them each a cup of coffee while Elizabeth made herself some toast.
“I made some decisions yesterday, Jane.”
Caution replaced her sister’s bright expression. “You’re going to move in with Will.”
Laughing, Elizabeth assured her that was not yet in her plans. “I’ll confess that Will and I have touched on the subject of marriage and,” she added a little shyly, “children. There are a few things I have to sort out first, though. I’m going to call my old boss later today.”
“Lizzy!” cried Jane. “Do you think you’re ready to go back to work?”
Elizabeth shook her head. “No, that’s what I’m going to talk to him about. I can’t go back there but I do need to start thinking about what I will do to make a living.” She explained the path she had chosen, the one she’d explored after speaking with Dr. Wendell the previous day. Jane was not as enthusiastic as she hoped.
“Have I been too sheltering, Lizzy? Did I not let you do enough on your own? I hope I haven’t done something to make you want to leave.”
“Oh, Jane, of course you haven’t!” Elizabeth took her hand and held it tightly. “You have been wonderful and I couldn’t have asked for any better support for these past months. I just need to be more independent. I can’t stay here forever.”
“I don’t mean to be negative but I don’t think you should move out yet.” Returning the gesture of squeezing her hand, Jane looked troubled. “I’d say the same thing if you’d told me you planned to move in with Will, you know. I really believe you need more time. If it’s independence you crave then let’s work together on a plan to achieve that independence without taxing your limits. One thing at a time.”
“Like what?” Elizabeth’s tone was patient.
“Well, finding a job first. You’ll need an income to live on your own eventually so you can save money in the meantime. Then it won’t need to interfere with your doctors’ appointments and physio. Oh, and the swimming you do with Will.” Jane winked saucily. “I know you enjoy that.”
“Yes, the swimming,” grinned her sister, then she sighed unhappily. “You make a good argument, Jane, but I can’t help feeling how much of a burden I’m placing on you. I don’t want to interfere so much with your life that... that you put it all on hold.”
“Lizzy,” whispered Jane. “My life was on hold the minute you arrived at that hospital, almost dead. What would I have done without my dearest sister, my best friend? Compared to those months of waiting and watching, hoping for some change in your condition, the time since you’ve come home has been relaxing. Maybe I am being selfish in wanting you to stay but in my heart I only want the best for you. I want you to succeed and be happy.”
“You, selfish? Never, Jane!” Biting her lip, Elizabeth met her sister’s steady gaze. “I’ll forget this idea of an apartment of my own on one condition.”
Jane chuckled. “What’s the condition?”
“I’m serious, Jane.” Elizabeth looked down at their hands. “I have the feeling that in putting your life on hold you have also put other lives on hold. I want you to be happy, too. Don’t wait for me to leave the nest before you start filling it.” She looked up to see Jane with bright cheeks. “I’m sorry if I’ve embarrassed you or if you feel I’m interfering. That’s the last thing I want to do.”
“No. No, you’re right. I did ask Charles to wait until... well, at the time it was unclear what we were waiting for but I could not imagine going through a pregnancy while you were lying in the hospital in a coma.” Her cheeks flushed again and she said, “You and Will were getting along so well lately and we hoped your talks with Dr. Wendell would help... and... we already talked about maybe starting our family soon.”
“Oh, Jane!” Jumping up from the table, Elizabeth excitedly pulled Jane to her feet and hugged her close. “I can’t wait. Oh! I sound like Mom!” she laughed. “I’m going to help you, too. You’ll see.”
Walking into the office building sent a flutter of nervousness through Elizabeth’s stomach. She had not seen any of her former co-workers in quite some time, although all had either called or sent cards since her recovery had begun. Jane had accompanied her but was prepared to sit and wait while she spoke with Dr. Jim, as the staff had always called him.
He welcomed her warmly with a huge smile and bright eyes in his round face. Years of sitting behind a desk, coordinating a migrating and busy staff, had lent weight to his form but not his character. The genuine delight in seeing Elizabeth walking and talking again was evident in his enthusiastic words upon her entrance, and then his disappointment equally obvious when she explained her real reason for visiting.
“Elizabeth, are you sure you’ve taken enough time to consider this? Your years of experience, your natural talent for working with people; those are not things so easily let go.”
“I have thought long and hard on this, Jim. I really believe my trust in others has been too far eroded for me to perform my job adequately.” Her voice was quiet but the determination was there.
Jim tapped a finger on his desk. “Is it your trust in others or the confidence in yourself?” he asked. When she didn’t answer he chose another tack. “Currently you are on a long term disability. Even so, your return to work would be gradual, not suddenly dropped back into the full weekly grind. In that capacity you wouldn’t have a caseload for some time. I’d be assigning you to light duty tasks until you feel up to speed again and your doctors pronounce you fit to return to full-time status.”
“Then I’d be a body taking up space. Hardly any use at all,” she argued. “You’d be better off with a full-time worker who can do the whole job.”
“Elizabeth Bennet!” he reprimanded. “What is the goal of this office and its staff?”
She hesitated, then said, “To aid those in need; to assist them to find within themselves the means to correct their mistakes, to persevere and succeed.”
Meeting her gaze, he added, “That applies not only to the people who are unfortunate enough to find themselves on our doorstep but also to each of our families, friends and co-workers when they also find themselves in need.” Elizabeth’s gaze fell away as Jim went on. “I doubt you’ll ever find yourself more in need than you are right now, Lizzy. A more experienced group of supporters would be hard to find in any workplace. You have your family and doctors to help you on a personal level. If my advice is worth anything then I suggest you give your professional future a chance before declaring it unachievable.” His tone softened as he placed a hand on her arm. “Go home today and think about what I’ve said.”
Elizabeth nodded silently, then stood to leave. Jim walked her to the door, opening it and following her out into the main room. Jane sat where her sister had left her but the room was now full of people. Elizabeth heard her name called from several directions at once.
It was all a bit overwhelming in the first few minutes but she soon relaxed enough to appreciate the loosely organised reception that had resulted from Jim’s mention that morning of her impending visit. She introduced Jane to everyone and listened in dazed embarrassment at the praise of herself as each one spoke with her sister. The group did not consist of staff alone, for several of Elizabeth’s former clients, now gainfully employed and independent of social assistance, arrived during the course of the hour or so that they remained in order to express their own thanks for all Elizabeth had done for them and to wish her continued progression in her recovery.
By the time they left, Elizabeth knew the truth of what Jim had said and there was no longer that frightening blank picture in her future.
There was something to truly celebrate about New Year’s that year. The old one was left behind without a regret, the new one ushered in with quiet but confident anticipation. Elizabeth had made many strides forward in the week since Christmas and, despite the road ahead still being long with frequent bumps, it was brighter than she could remember seeing in many months. In contrast to her desire to spend every waking moment with Will, she took Jane’s advice to go slowly, sharing more household responsibilities and regaining lost skills.
Quite by chance, on a Saturday afternoon when Jane was out shopping, did Elizabeth discover Will’s plans to visit George when she overheard him talking to Charles as she folded clothes. At first she was shocked by the idea, then wondered why it had not occurred to her. “I’m coming with you,” Elizabeth announced, interrupting them.
Will looked up, any indication of pleasure in seeing her eradicated with her statement. “What? No, you’re not. Charles?” He looked at his friend, urging him to concur.
“I would advise against it as well, Lizzy.” Of course she demanded to know why, but Charles was prepared. “Regardless of the dubious psychological benefit of facing your attacker there remains the impression such a visit would leave. You would be seen as granting George Wickham forgiveness. We know that’s the furthest thing from your mind but in the eyes of many others, including George, it would appear as such. If there’s something you need to say, I suggest a Victim Impact Statement. It would serve as a legal means to support an objection when he is eligible for parole. Jane and I drew one up while you were in a coma, detailing the family’s loss and the effect his actions had upon us all. George is likely to behave himself in prison so a fresh reminder of the danger he presents would be well served at that time.”
Elizabeth was silent for a few minutes, absorbing what he had said. “Then I’m back to the beginning. I want closure. I didn’t realise it before but hearing you talking made it all make sense. I have to see George to put all this behind me.”
“You’re rushing again,” Will patiently pointed out. “I don’t believe you need to see him at all to achieve closure and you can’t possibly be ready to face him yet.”
“I am not rushing!” she argued. “If anything, I’ve avoided it for too long! I’m ready. I am!”
“You’re not ready for this.” Will was adamant. “Besides, seeing George might just make your dreams worse. What if the mere sight of him proves to be too much?”
“You mean I might end up bashing his head in?”
Will knew she was perfectly serious. “There has to be another way without putting yourself at risk.”
“I won’t be the one at risk,” Elizabeth flatly stated.
“No.” Will was determined to put a stop to an idea he viewed as dangerous. “I don’t want him anywhere near you. I don’t want him to even see you from a distance.”
“Don’t be ridiculous! What could he possibly do? There will be guards everywhere.”
“This is a pointless argument,” interrupted Charles in a loud voice. “It’s not likely that you would even be granted permission to visit him, Lizzy.”
Shock and confusion were in her eyes. “What do you mean?”
“Lizzy, there’s a process to be followed. I can pull a few strings and hurry it along in Will’s case but not for you. A victim wanting to see her attacker in prison is going to raise some red flags. Since you have no intention of forgiving him then what purpose would it serve?” Charles shook his head. “No, I cannot see your application being approved.”
“Well that’s just... just... unfair!” Elizabeth let her anger flow out in various colourful adjectives before she felt collected enough to return to the subject. “He’s the one in prison, he’s the one that’s guilty, and I am being treated like a criminal!” With this, she rounded on Will. “What are your plans when you see him? I’m sure you are more of a danger to George Wickham than I would ever be, yet they’ll let you in.”
“I...” He looked at Charles, who seemed to take the hint and left them alone. “Look, there are some things I need to know. George has crossed my path too many times over the years and I have to make sure it won’t happen again.”
Elizabeth felt a prickling uneasiness. “What kind of things do you need to know?” She saw him hesitate. “Please, Will. Don’t go.” I don’t want you to know.
“Lizzy,” he said, moving toward her. “I’ve known George since we were boys. I always suspected he would end up in prison eventually but I never thought it would be at the expense of someone I love. Blind ignorance, really. I should have seen it coming. He continually targeted those I cared about, who were close to me; pets, friends, my sister.... you.”
“No, Will. That’s not why he did it.” She tried to keep the panic from creeping into her voice.
“Don’t blame yourself, Elizabeth,” he reassured. “It was nothing you did that caused him to attack you. It’s George and the warped way he sees the world.”
Shaking her head, Elizabeth attempted to make herself understood but the harder she tried the more confused her words became. In a final plea she held fast to him, tearfully requesting he change his mind. “He’s hurt you, too. Will, don’t let him hurt you anymore. Leave him where he is and let things be. Please!”
Placing his hands on her shoulders, Will pushed her far enough away that he could see her face. “I’m sorry this is causing you so much distress, Elizabeth, but I cannot do as you ask. It’s not only about you. Years of offenses he’s committed need to be addressed and I can’t put it off any longer. While George is confined in one place there is no better time.”
Elizabeth sighed, resigned to the worst, knowing it was an argument she would never win. “Be careful,” she whispered. “Remember how much I love you and need you with me.”
He frowned in concern at this sudden expression of vulnerability. “I shall never forget that, my dear,” he said, softly kissing her lips. “Your heart I shall guard even better than my own.”
She bowed her head. That’s what I’m afraid of.
Posted on Sunday, 26 March 2006
Charles looked at his friend, the argument on the tip of his tongue.
“I don’t want to hear it again,” said Will. “I’m doing this alone and that’s final.”
“I promised Lizzy I wouldn’t let you face him without me there,” objected Charles.
“He won’t tell me anything I want to know unless I’m alone. Besides, seeing two of us is only going to make him wary enough to guard his tongue. That’s the last thing I want.”
“Blast you, Will, for making sense! Why did you wait until now to say it? You could have saved me the trip.” It was then that Charles noticed the other man’s determination slip, worry creasing his brow.
“Depending on what he says, I may need you here when it’s over, my friend.”
Silently acknowledging his continued presence, Charles drew in a deep breath, letting it out slowly after Will had walked through the door which would lead him to George Wickham.
Visitors were a rarity, even more so for certain inmates. Those with no family and few, if any, friends spent day after day in the company of none but fellow prisoners and the men ensuring their captivity.
It was with a great deal of curiosity that George Wickham waited for the locked door to open, admitting him to the visiting room. Upon seeing who awaited him, George’s first words were a graphically obscene oath before collecting himself. “Slow day at the office?” he drawled.
“I’m disappointed. I thought prison would have taught you some manners by now.”
“Oh, it has,” smirked George. “You had a sample of that first.”
Will’s eyes narrowed slightly, although no other sign of his annoyance was visible.
“But enough of these pleasantries,” continued George in his customary smooth style. “I know you’re a busy man without a minute to waste so whatever has brought you here must be important.” He quirked an eyebrow upward. “How may I be of service?”
“Service? You? This is a new side to you, wanting to help others,” Will blandly replied.
“Haven’t I always been solicitous of your feelings?”
“My feelings. Yes, you’ve generally been quite attentive to those.” Will leaned his elbows on the table between them. “What does your superior observational skill tell you now?”
For a moment George felt a flicker of apprehension, then it was gone. “Curiosity, my friend. That and you seem to be rather upset with me but that’s nothing new. I am at a loss to figure out your reason for coming here, however. Has something happened recently that would affect us both?”
Will frowned. “Have you not given any thought to the reason you are here?”
Tilting his head to the side, George suddenly realised the connection. “Ah, it’s your friend Bingley that concerns you. Of course, since he’s married to Lizzy’s sister. Such a small world we live in.”
“Quite.”
“So, what have you come to say?”
Will leaned back and stared for some minutes at the other man. When he spoke his voice was strong and clear. “I wasn’t at your hearing, George. Did you have any defence at all? What explanation did you offer?”
“Do I detect concern in your tone, Will? Is that for me or for someone else?”
“Consider it curiosity... merely curiosity.”
George chuckled. “How is Georgiana?” His smile widened at the anger which momentarily reflected in his visitor’s eyes.
“You’re in here for assaulting one woman and at the first opportunity ask after another.” Will snapped his teeth together. “I might point out that you have yet to ask after your victim.”
“What can you tell me that my lawyer hasn’t already?” He tapped his head in sudden recollection. “Ah, the Bingley link. Okay, I’ll bite. How is Lizzy doing?”
Ignoring the question, Will asked another of his own. “Why did you do it, George? I’ve never understood your motivation for any of your actions but with this one I want to hear your excuse.”
George was growing bored with the topic. He shrugged. “She made me angry. I got carried away.”
“What do you mean, she made you angry? You nearly killed her!”
“She made me really angry, then.” His brow furrowed as he cast his mind back. “Yeah, it would have been just like any other argument. She’d tell me to get lost and a day later I’d come ‘round, apologise and give her some flowers. Back where we started. But no,” George sneered, “she pushed me too far. Had to bring you into it and pretend the two of you’d had some kind of fling.”
“What?”
Again George chuckled. “Caught me off guard with it, too.”
“What are you saying?” The words were clipped.
Stretching his legs out under the table, George sprawled comfortably. “She tried to make me jealous. Oh, for a minute it worked but then I realised what she was doing. As if I could end up with any castoff of yours! It just made me angrier.”
“You expect me to believe that Elizabeth claimed to have been my girlfriend at one time? You’re lying.” Will stared, unblinking, as George’s expression changed from smug to annoyed.
“What she said was that you were a most passionate kisser, implying that I was not.” He examined his fingernails nonchalantly. “Of course it was a complete fantasy but annoyed me nonetheless.”
“And that is what you considered enough provocation to beat her?” Will asked suspiciously. ‘There must be more to it.”
“No,” said George with a shake of his head. “Why do you always want it to be more complicated than it is? She annoyed me, I got mad and hit her a few times. It’s as simple as that.”
“As simple as nearly killing another human being?”
“Don’t tell me you feel sorry for your old friend! I’d never believe that.”
“Sorry for you? No, that would never occur to me. I did hope, however, to see some sign that you are sorry for what happened, for what you did.”
“I’m sorry I’m in here, that’s for sure! I’m sorry I ever saw that bi–!”
Will’s eyes bored into George.
“That young lady,” he amended, dipping his chin as if to bow. “More trouble than she was worth. To think she actually believed I’d buy that garbage about you and her! That was her mistake.”
“Her mistake? George, she’s not the responsible party. You are!”
“No, she’s not. That’s right.” The smirk reappeared on his face. “Terribly unfortunate for her to be in the wrong place at the right time. Oh, how negligent of me! Of course you have no idea how we met.”
Will also had no desire to hear the story. “I doubt its importance is significant to anyone but yourself.”
“You’re right there!” laughed George. In a sudden move he brought his face close to Will’s. “Let’s skip the rest of the chit-chat. What are you doing here?”
Will blinked but didn’t back off. “Why, George? Why did you beat her so badly? Do you hate me so much that her offhand comment about kissing me sent you over the edge?”
“Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” George laughed again. “It’s always about you, isn’t it? Don’t you think beyond that tiny sphere, Will?” Just as quickly his manner became suspicious. “You’re trying to trap me with something. Well, it won’t work. I didn’t believe her then and I won’t believe you now. Don’t bother trying.”
“Trying what? I don’t understand you, George.”
“Yeah, right!” He licked his lips anxiously. “She was never your girlfriend. I know that and you know that. I’m not quite sure what you’re up to by coming here, though. You can’t pin anything else on me but what I’ve already been accused of.”
“Convicted,” Will reminded him.
“Yeah, and I’m not about to pay for anything I didn’t do!”
“What are you afraid of?”
George pushed his chair back from the table, putting some distance between them. “I swear, Will, after Georgiana I didn’t bother with you anymore. The stuff with Lizzy wasn’t about you. How could it be? You didn’t like each other, even Charles said so.”
“Charles....”
“Well, not in so many words. He let it slip one day, much to Lizzy’s embarrassment, that you’d said she was ugly.” That brought a grin to his face once more. “You’ve always been the height of tact, haven’t you?” He laughed as the colour spread in Will’s face. “It explains why you have so many friends, you know. Charles Bingley is a very forgiving soul but he’ll reach his limit eventually.”
With a sharp movement, Will suddenly sat tall in his chair and fixed an icy stare on his companion. There was thoughtfulness behind the gaze and George didn’t like what he saw. “Now I understand,” said Will with a deadly calm. “I just had to step outside my tiny sphere, as you called it, and into yours. Yes, seeing it from your twisted perspective makes everything much clearer now.” Laying one palm flat on the table between them, Will lowered his voice so that George had to lean closer to hear him. “You should have thought it through more, George. Then you would have realised it was bigger than you believed. It’s more than just you, now. You’ll have to deal with me and you aren’t going to like it one bit.”
There was little said between the two friends on the drive home. Will’s mind was not silent, however. After assuring Charles that he was not suffering any overwhelming feelings of guilt or other disturbing emotions, he lapsed into a preoccupied state, mulling over all he had learned.
The true state of affairs had been an unexpected revelation but not one that could be dismissed as absurd. It left Will with another dilemma, though, and few people in whom he could confide. He needed to discuss it with Elizabeth, of course, and the trip back to the Bingleys’ seemed as if it would never end. Charles respected his silence, commenting only as they neared their destination with an enquiry about Will’s plans for dinner. Jane, it seemed, expected him to stay and had in fact depended on his presence.
When they entered the house the two ladies were not far from the door, anxiously looking at the faces of both men for some sign of how the afternoon had turned out. Relieved that Will smiled at them, Jane informed no-one in particular that the meal was nearly ready and she was returning to the kitchen to see to the final preparations. Elizabeth cautiously approached as Charles moved toward the living room, suggesting the pouring of drinks for himself and his friend.
“Well?” whispered Elizabeth, almost afraid of an answer.
Will simply enfolded her in his arms, so tightly that she gasped for air. He did not speak but his cheek rested against hers, his lips moving soundlessly next to her ear. Inhaling deeply, Will finally eased his hold and his voice was unsteady as he said, “Life is so fragile, Elizabeth. I want to live every moment of it with you.”
She blinked, disturbed by the vulnerability in his tone. “What happened, Will?” she asked, but he only shook his head, assuring her that they would speak about it later and that she should not be alarmed. He was simply not ready to get into it right away.
Smiling, Will took her hand and pressed the back against his lips. “I promise to tell you everything, just not here and not now.”
“Okay,” she agreed, still confused and apprehensive but trusting that all would be okay.
When Will suggested they go for a drive after dinner so that they could be alone to talk, Elizabeth had not expected to end up at his home.
“I feel comfortable here; even more comfortable when you are here with me. I hope you don’t mind,” he explained after taking her coat and laying it across the back of a chair. “Would you like a glass of wine or something else?”
“Wine would be nice, thank you.”
He handed her a glass and took a brief sip of his own before putting it on the table beside them. “Elizabeth, what I heard from George was not what I’d expected when I set out this morning. I was quite prepared to take the blame for all that had befallen you –.”
“Will,” she interrupted, “it wasn’t your fault. I’ve said that every time you tried to take responsibility.” Looking away, Elizabeth swallowed with difficulty and closed her eyes. “Now you know, don’t you? I didn’t mean to do it but... I brought it all on myself.”
“No.”
She felt his hands warm upon hers, then his voice gently urging her to look at him. Sighing with resignation, Elizabeth opened her eyes to see Will watching her with all the pain she felt mirrored in his expression. “How can you stand it? Why do you still want to be with me?” she whispered.
“Elizabeth,” he said, the syllables as much a caress as his fingers tracing the edge of her chin. “Don’t blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t my fault. You were a greater victim than anyone realised.” When she looked at him, even more confused, he explained with as much control as he could muster. “It wasn’t about me or my feelings for you. That was my own myopic view and probably the coincidence of your comment to George, about kissing me, that night when he.... well, that led you to blame yourself.” Will saw her slight nod and winced. “You didn’t want me to know about that.”
“It set him off into a rage and I was afraid you would...” Elizabeth leaned against him, still unsure what to think or feel. “I knew you’d somehow take responsibility for it if you found out. You’ve done so much for me, and been hurt so much already, I couldn’t stand seeing you hurt even more.”
“You’re right. I would have done just that.” Will smiled ruefully but it was quickly replaced by a grim expression. “I’m not sure if I was more relieved to find out that George knew nothing about how I felt or more angry about his true motivation for what he did to you. Elizabeth, you were targeted from the very beginning but it had nothing to do with me. George set out to hurt Charles.”