Tip&ping the Velvet
Posted on Tuesday, 5 June 2007
"Mama! Have you heard? The parsonage at Dibley is taken at last!" Jane exclaimed. "Mr Bingley recommended at friend of his to Sir William, and he seemed quite taken with the young man."
"And is he married or single?"
"I believe he is single. His name is Mr Darcy, and Mr Bingley said he will surely attend the next ball"
"Oh, my dear, what delightful news!"
Sure enough, the Reverend Mr Darcy made an appearance at the next assembly. Everyone was quite taken with his easy manners and youthful energy. Not only did he dance every dance, he also impressed every lady in the room with his extensive knowledge of muslin.
Lizzy had just related her first impression of him to Charlotte when she went to get refreshments for the both of them. She turned around and bumped right into Mr Darcy. The glass of wine he was holding spilled all over her dress. Since it was red wine and her turkey red dress, it wasn’t that dramatic, but nonetheless the cold fluid trickling down her cleavage was somewhat unpleasant. Mr Darcy apologised profusely, and immediately started dabbing her with his handkerchief.
“It is nothing,” she protested.
“Nonsense,” he replied. “This muslin will not wash well at all. You must take it off immediately!”
Loud gasps were heard, and then a deadly silence came over the assembly room. Everyone was staring at them. Then a visibly agitated Mrs Bennet scurried over.
“Mr Darcy! You have behaved in a most scandalous manner. First you fondle my daughter’s ... assets, and then you proposition her so scandalously! It is quite scandalous indeed. I hope you are ready to face the consequences!”
Mr Darcy turned pale. “I...not...madam...”
It was a sad day, and it rained.
"Do you, Elizabeth Rose Bennet, take-"
"Excuse me? My name is not Elizabeth Rose Bennet."
"It is not?"
"No. I do not have a middle name."
"Oh. Do you, Elizabeth R-Bennet, take George Darcy to be young lawful wedded husband?"
Well, she'd rather not. But did she really have a choice, after being so scandalously compromised? She sighed. "I do."
And so it came to pass that they were joined in holy matrimony.
Lizzy anxiously looked around the small parsonage. It was neat and friendly, and even though Mr Darcy did not employ a housekeeper the rooms all looked meticulously clean, orderly and well-decorated. He did really have a knack for interior designing, it seemed. Mr Darcy happily pointed out an elegant little table and an embroidered cushion, and she picked up the latter to admire the exquisite handiwork.
“It is my sister’s,” he hastily added.
“Oh, I thought it was a horse,” Lizzy replied.
Suddenly he took her hand. “I must tell you something.”
She nodded and sat down, alarmed by his serious tone.
“I...there is no easy way to tell you...I shall start at the beginning.”
“A very good place to start,” she agreed.
“When I was a little...when I was little...I was riding home through the fields one day when I was caught in a terrible thunderstorm. As you can imagine, I feared for my life. I sank down and prayed to the Lord to save me, as it was not my time.”
Lizzy was aghast. “And did He? she whispered.
“Yes,” Darcy replied. “I am still whole.”
Lizzy sighed in relief. She had great hopes for tonight.
“But I made a promise,” he continued gravely. “If I was saved, I would abstain from my wife and live chaste.”
She gasped. What a horrific ordeal had befallen her! Then she managed to compose herself and bravely looked up. “I would want you to honour your promise, of course.”
“Thank you.” He smiled. Maybe a little too much. A cold feeling of rejection crept up her spine, poisoning her new-found happiness.
They managed to live quite contently after all. Lizzy soon found other ways to occupy her time, and she fulfilled the duties of a parson’s wife with great zest. Soon she was a favourite with the sick and the elderly in the whole neighbourhood. She baked cookies, planted rhubarb, stuffed chickens, and found a whole number of ways to handle her pent-up frustrations, none of which involved a gamekeeper. But she was not happy.
Just as she was energetically kneading bread, imagining it was something else, her husband came in with a letter. She looked up questioningly.
“My brother has invited us over to Pemberley for Christmas!”
“But what about your duties?” she inquired anxiously. She knew George Darcy as a zealous preacher, who mesmerised the congregation with his brilliant sermons and took great pride and joy in performing his offices.
“He writes that he will send over the vicar of Kympton to cover for me.”
“How thoughtful of him!” Lizzy exclaimed.
It rained, and it rained, and it rained. The roads turned to mud, and they were forced to take shelter in a seedy inn. After a simple yet hearty meal they retreated to their chamber. There was only one left and they had been lucky to get it, as the inn was swamped with stranded travellers. Lizzy sheepishly looked at her husband. It was the first time, and perhaps the last too, that they would be sharing a room and a bed together. They sheepishly stared at each other some more.
Then he coughed slightly. “Would you be so kind as to turn around while I undress?”
Lizzy blushed and she dutifully turned her face to the wall, feeling a stone drop in her stomach. Tears began to form in her eyes, and she lifted her hand to wipe them before they could roll down her cheek.
Then she spotted a big rat. “Aaaah!” she yelled and jumped backwards, hitting the bed. She cursed, turned around and gasped loudly.
“You...you...” She couldn’t find the words. She was staring at...things you could fondle.
“Yes, I am a woman.”
Lizzy just stood there, gaping like a fish.
“Please don’t be angry with me, I beg you. I never wanted to deceive you. I never wanted this marriage. Please hear my story.”
She nodded dumbly and sat down on the bed, in a terrible state of shock.
“My real name is Georgiana.” She took a deep breath. “Have you ever wanted something so badly that you could not have?”
Lizzy had some idea, yes.
“All my life I have wanted to join the clergy! I feel it is my true calling. But I have had to don this disguise to study at Cambridge and take orders.” She sighed. “Now you know my secret. I was too afraid to tell you.”
“It is sinful,” Lizzy whispered.
“Please don’t say that! I know this must be very shocking to you, but, believe me, I had no choice. Never have I been happier than as the vicar of Dibley! I beg you not to betray me.”
She looked up, and saw a strong but desperate woman. She was right. She never wanted this marriage. They would have to stick together. “I won’t betray you,” she replied firmly.
Georgiana took her hand and squeezed it firmly. “Thank you! You have lifted a great weight off my shoulders. You cannot image how glad I am to have found another confidant. My brother is the only other person in the world who knows. Oh, I just know you will get along famously!”