Posted on Saturday, 22 July 2006
You know this situation. You are facing a difficult problem, and you need advice. But to whom should you turn? Luckily, there is an answer to that question. You want, of course, help from someone whom you admire. People who have been your good friends for years. But how to get them all together to discuss the problem?
This is why they're all here - at Longbourn, meeting in the library (Mrs. Hill has most kindly agreed to bring in spare chairs for everyone to sit on) in order to help you solve your problems. This week:
Baby Naming
Miss Darcy has agreed to take the minutes of the meeting on the condition that she will not have to say a single word during the course of the meeting.
Lady CATHERINE DE BOURGH: As the highest-ranking person in this room, I now declare this session to be opened. It is my opinion that no one can do wrong with Catherine for a child's name. I think we all agree on that.
Mr. COLLINS: Definitely, my lady. It is, if I may be so bold to say it, the brightest ornament any young girl could have.
Lady CATHERINE DE BOURGH: Or boy, Mr. Collins, or boy.
Mr. COLLINS: I beg your pardon, my lady, but of course. How incredibly stupid of me to forget it. My stupidity is intolerable. It is more than someone with your generosity and eloquence should have to bear. If I may be so -
Lady CATHERINE DE BOURGH: Enough, Mr. Collins. Enough. Now that we have all decided that Catherine is the most superior name for any child, I think we can close this meeting.
Mrs. DARCY: But your ladyship, do you not think it would be cruel for a young boy to be called Catherine? Only think of the teasing at school! It would hardly create affection for his parents, I think.
Mrs. WICKHAM: *snickers*
Miss CATHERINE BENNET: *snickers, too*
Lady CATHERINE DE BOURGH: Foolish, headstrong girl! Fitzwilliam, what is your opinion on this impertinence of your wife? Are you not ashamed that you married her?
Mr. DARCY: Not at all.
Mr. HENRY TILNEY: I like the name Catherine in a girl.
Mrs. HENRY TILNEY: *blushes*
Miss THORPE: What is your brother's favourite name, my dear Catherine? Pray tell me, and I will name any child with it.
Mr. JAMES MORLAND: It's not Isabella.
Mr. WOODHOUSE: My dear Isabella! She named her son after me, Henry. It was very nice of her to do so.
Mrs. JOHN KNIGHTLEY: I assure you, it is nothing, papa. You would have done the same for me.
Mr. WOODHOUSE: She also named a child after dear Emma, you know.
Mr. WESTON: M. and A. These two letters mean perfection, you see?
Mr. KNIGHTLEY: Emma is perfect.
Mrs. ELTON: Is not. In Maple Grove, nobody would name their child Emma.
Mrs. FRANK CHURCHILL: But it's only a small parish, Mrs. Elton.
Mrs. ELTON: To be true, it is. And most of the children there are called Suckling, Bragge, or Partridge. My brother, Mr. Suckling, you know -
Sir WALTER ELLIOT: Suckling! What kind of a name is Suckling? It doesn't mean anything to me.
Mrs. CLAY: *eats a praline*
Miss ELLIOT: No, indeed. A very common name. I prefer the name Elliot. That is a name that carries pride.
Sir WALTER ELLIOT: Or Dalrymple. Or Carteret.
Mrs. HENRY HAYTER: Shall you call your child Elliot, Anne?
Mrs. BENWICK: Or Dalrymple? Or Carteret?
Admiral CROFT: Why are not all girls called Sophy? There would be no mistaking their names in that case.
Lady CATHERINE DE BOURGH: Silence! Silence! We just decided that every girl should be called Catherine - and every boy - and you cannot say they should all be called Sophy!
Mr. COLLINS: My lady, I am sure the Admiral did not mean - he was not aware of your ladyship's -
LADY CATHERINE DE BOURGH: Enough, Mr. Collins. Enough. I want to hear my nephews' opinion. Fitzwilliam? What do you think?
Colonel FITZWILLIAM: Whatever you do, don't name your child Richard.
Mr. DARCY: My family uses the name Fitzwilliam. It is a family name, and it means - well, it doesn't mean much, except Fitzwilliam, but I like it anyway.
Mrs. DARCY: I will not name my child Fitzwilliam.
Mr. DARCY: Why not?
Mrs. DARCY: Because it's a surname. I could as well call my child Bennet.
Mrs. BENNET: And there would be nothing wrong with that, young lady! Do you think you're too high and mighty for us Bennets now that you're married to 10,000 pounds a year?
Mr. DARCY: *bewildered* My name isn't "10,000 pounds a year".
Mrs. BENNET: Just look at your sister, Jane. She would name her child Bennet.
Mr. BINGLEY: *whispers to Mrs. BINGLEY* Would you?
Mrs. BINGLEY: *whispers to Mr. BINGLEY* I am sure mama means kind, but - no.
Miss BINGLEY: Miss Eliza! What must I hear! You do not want to call your child Fitzwilliam? But then, I have heard that certain ladies prefer the name of Wickham.
Mrs. WICKHAM: I think the name "Wickham" is a great joke. La! Such fun!
Colonel BRANDON: Did someone say Eliza? I like that name.
Mrs. BRANDON: But is that name romantic? Does it inspire awe?
Colonel BRANDON: Once and for all, Mrs. Brandon. I will not name our child Shakespeare. Nor Wordsworth. Nor Shelley. Nor Byron.
Captain BENWICK: We live in a great age for poets' names, don't we?
Mrs. FREDERICK WENTWORTH: But should we not also consider prose when we search names for our children? I advise you all to allow for more prose when naming children.
Admiral CROFT: Hah! Spoken well, Mrs. Wentworth! Frederick, what do you say to what your wife said? How should one name one's child?
Captain WENTWORTH: Anne! Only Anne!
Lady CATHERINE DE BOURGH: Anne. That is a name I could agree upon. If the name Catherine should already be taken, that is.
Mr. COLLINS: Very well said, your ladyship, if I may be so bold as to -
Lady CATHERINE DE BOURGH: Enough, Mr. Collins. Enough. Now, we have two suitable names for children, Anne and Catherine. I do think we are finished with our task.
Mrs. DARCY: But, your ladyship, do you think a boy would like the name Anne any better than Catherine? It is a girls' name, after all.
Lady CATHERINE DE BOURGH: Obstinate, headstrong girl! I will ignore you henceforth. You deserve no attention. Do the rest of you all agree with Catherine and Anne as suitable names?
Miss MARY BENNET: I think I shall name my child Fordyce.
Miss CRAWFORD: Fordyce! But wasn't he ordained? I don't like clerics.
Mrs. EDMUND BERTRAM: I do. My husband is a cleric.
Sir THOMAS BERTRAM: Fanny, you haven't given us your opinion on the naming issue? What do you think?
Mrs. EDMUND BERTRAM: I do not want to say anything in front of all these people, Edmund. Must I say something, Edmund?
Mr. EDMUND BERTRAM: But Fanny, you could tell all these people how much you like the name Mary for our firstborn girl!
Mrs. EDMUND BERTRAM: *whispers* But I don't.
Mrs. NORRIS: Such ingratitude from you, Fanny! It is always the same! Do your husband this favour, he married you, after all, even though you did not deserve it.
Lady BERTRAM: I always call anything what it is, that saves trouble. I call my pug Pug, why not call your child Child?
Mrs. ROBERT MARTIN: What should I say? Do tell me what I should say, Miss Wood - Mrs. Knightley!
Mrs. KNIGHTLEY: I always thought I should like the name G-E-O-R-G-E for my child, but somehow, I can't properly pronounce it - Gggg - Gggg - see, I can't. I can't call my child something I can't pronounce, can I?
Lady CATHERINE DE BOURGH: Silence! Silence! This is not to be borne. Do we all agree on Catherine and Anne as names?
Miss STEELE: I think the doctor prefers Pink.
Mrs. JENNINGS: I assure you, we haven't heard anything else all day. I wonder what name Mrs. Edward Ferrars will choose for her child?
Miss MARGARET DASHWOOD: It begins with an F!
Mrs. BRANDON: Nonsense, Margaret. There is no such name!
Mr. DARCY: There is. Fitzwilliam.
Lady CATHERINE DE BOURGH: We agree, then, on naming our children either Catherine or Anne.
Mr. DARCY: Or Fitzwilliam.
Lady CATHERINE DE BOURGH: Fitzwilliam. That is a noble name. I can live with that. It will not pollute the shades of Pemberley. You have all leave to call your children Fitzwilliam, Catherine or Anne. I now declare this meeting over.
EVERYBODY EXCEPT Mrs. DARCY: *leave the room*
Mrs. DARCY: *turns to the camera*
Mrs. DARCY: Don't call your children Fitzwilliam. They'll be teased in school.