The Pork War

Posted on August 9, 2008

"Welcome to another thrilling episode of Stainless Steel Cook. I'm your host, Chuck Bingley, and I'll be joined out on the floor of Culinary Coliseum this evening by our lovely roving reporter, Jane Banks. Jane?"

"Hey, Chuck! Are you ready for tonight's food fight?" A cheerful brunette asked of her cohort. "Whichever cook is chosen tonight, he's going to be up against some stiff competition!"

"Right you are, Jane! And here is Commander Catherine Burgess to introduce the next competitor!"

A tall, imposing older woman with silver hair piled elegantly on the top of her head stepped into the limelight.

"Tonight's challenger, the owner of two Midwestern bistros..." Her lip curled ever so slightly, as if she could not imagine any culinary excellence coming out of the Midwest, "...Elizabeth Bennet!"

A pretty redhead in a chef's jacket came solemnly into the arena and took her place by the Commander's side. A covered table was pushed out in front of them by several stagehands.

"And which Stainless Steel Cook do you choose to compete against this evening, Miss Bennet?" Catherine asked. "Will it be Chef Knightley? Chef Brandon? Chef Tilney? Or Chef Darcy?"

"Chef Darcy," was the confidant reply.

Chef Fitzwilliam Darcy joined them amidst warm applause and the Commander held her hands up for silence.

"As you know, a battle in Culinary Coliseum takes talent and creativity. But there is something missing." The older woman was milking this for all she was worth. "A Classified Element, if you will. Tonight's classified element, then, is..."

There was a drumroll as the Commander pulled the cloth off the centered table. "Bacon!"

The audience applauded. Chefs Bennet and Darcy grabbed different cuts of bacon, Italian pancetta and fatback before racing to their stations, where their sous chefs awaited and the timer began. They had 45 minutes to create some fantastic dishes out of smoked pork fat.

Elizabeth, who was of a Southerm bent, despite now living in Chicago, had her assistant, Lydia, begin on a pot of grits. Darcy, whose culinary instruction had taken a classic turn, was already chopping up some pancetta.

In the meantime, TV viewers were treated to an introduction of the judges.

"We're here on the edge of Culinary Coliseum with tonight's judges," Chuck said to the camera. "First up, we have Willie Collins, editor in chief of 'From Garden to Table' magazine."

A pompous young man nodded solemnly at the camera.

"And Char Lucas, popular travel writer and star of her own cable TV show, 'Lunch With Lucas.'"

A cool blonde waved at the audience. Willie Collins leaned over to whisper something to her, and she moved her body slightly away, closer to the third judge. And then, as if realizing who that was, and that she had nowhere to go, she presented a trapped expression to the world.

Taking no notice of her, Chuck continued his introductions. "Finally, we have George Wickham with us! George is a self-promoted foodie with no restaurant, magazine, TV show or anything of any real worth to show the world."

"A jack of all trades," George agreed with a wide smile.

"And master of none," Chuck quipped, although not unkindly. Wickham appeared unfazed by any of his words. "And now, back to our chefs. Jane?"

"We're down on the floor of Culinary Coliseum, Chuck, where Chef Bennet is adding bacon bits to her grits while her sous chef is frying up some thick-cut applewood-smoked bacon for... I think they are going to make BLT's, Chuck!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Count me in! You don't see those every day in this competition!"

"No, indeedy," Jane agreed. "My mouth is watering already!"

"Mine, too. What is Chef Darcy up to?"

"Over on the Stainless Steel Chef side, Chuck, we have his assistant, Anne...: She rattled on, while behind her, on camera, Chef Darcy slipped over to Chef Bennet's area and stole some of her bacon.

"Hey!" Elizabeth exclaimed and ran after him, trying to snatch it back. "You did that on purpose! You want to see what I'm making!"

"I don't care what you are making, Ms. Bennet," he said in a deprecating tone. "Your food may be good enough for the masses, but it's not interesting enough to tempt me."

"Then why are you taking all the bacon?"

"Because I didn't grab enough off the table and I don't want to waste time getting it now."

"Oh, but you don't mind wasting my time in meaningless conversation, do you?" Elizabeth grabbed the bacon out of his hand and stalked back to her kitchen.

"Whooo weeee!" George Wickham cried. "What a woman!"

Willie Collins leaned over and grinned at his fellow judge. "You know it, man!"

Char Lucas, feeling smothered by all the testosterone, dug her elbows into their ribs.

Minutes passed, with more commentary from Chuck and Jane, while the two chefs slaved over their pork fat.

At the judges' table, off camera, Willie was putting the moves on Char, and she was finally letting him. After all, she was almost 30, with no boyfriend in sight, and he was definitely interested. They never even noticed that George had disappeared.

Elizabeth, still shooting Darcy the occasional glare, was busy making collard greens with fatback, molding grits into timbales and rolling pieces of chicken liver and water chestnuts with strips of bacon. It was while preparing these tedious little bits that Lydia had gone missing. When she finally reappeared, she looked flushed and happy. Elizabeth put her to work making the plum pudding for dessert and never noticed Darcy nursing some bruised knuckles, or George with the beginnings of a black eye.

When the timer finally went off, Darcy had plated four dishes in the bacon battle, and Elizabeth had six. After a commercial break, Elizabeth's dishes were taken to the judging area and the tasting began.

"As was mentioned earlier, I come from a Southern background, which is why I believe my restaurants in Chicago are so popular. Everyone likes a little southern comfort."

Willie Collins laughed, and Char, who had a date with him on Saturday night, rolled her eyes.

"So I decided to start with some rumaki. Enjoy."

Catherine barely nibbled at hers, but Willie grabbed one of the bundles, shoved it in his mouth and chewed. "Hmmm, nice teriyaki sauce, the water chestnut provides some crunch and the chicken livers benefit from the bacon."

"I agree," Char said. "I've had this made with either the chestnuts or the livers, but both is better."

George said nothing, just ate a few of them absently while holding a slab of bacon to his eye.

The sampling and judging continued through the timbales, greens, a ham steak with red-eye gravy, a beautiful bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich, and plum pudding made with bacon fat, all to rave reviews.

Afterwards, it was Darcy's turn, and his food was more fancy than Elizabeth's, but received with a less than enthusiastic reception.

Elizabeth, trying to relax, had gone back to her kitchen and poured out some red wine. She had used very little in her gravy, and there was plenty enough left for two. She invited Lydia to have a glass with her, but the sous chef refused.

"Where did you go earlier? I was worried about you," Elizabeth said.

"Well, I was feeling unwell and met up with George Wickham..."

"And?"

"And when I told him I was expecting his child, he said it wasn't his. Darcy came over and decked him."

"But you looked so happy when you returned," Elizabeth noted.

"Yeah, well, after Chef Darcy said he was going to make sure there was a paternity test done so I could be assured of financial support, I got a date with that cute cameraman over there." She waved to him. "Hi, Denny! Or is it Carter..." she mused.

"But, you're pregnant!" Elizabeth exclaimed in spite of herself.

"So?"

Their conversation could go no further for the moment, as Elizabeth had to be on camera for the judges' decision, and announcement of the winner.

"The judges have spoken," Jane said on camera, "and the scores have been totaled."

"And we have a winner!" Chuck's voice said brightly as a shot was seen of the two chefs and the Commander.

"As you know," Catherine said, as if no one dared watching anything but this show on a Saturday night, "the chefs are rated on taste, originality and presentation. And the winner is... Chef Bennet!"

The crowd applauded, but the clapping was lost in the loud Stainless Steel Chef fanfare. Elizabeth and Darcy shook hands.

The cameras switched over to Chuck and Jane, to give the send off, leaving Catherine to frown at the hug Darcy was now giving to Elizabeth. With a loud sniff, she turned and stalked off.

"Dinner tonight?" Darcy wondered of Elizabeth. "My place?"

She laughed. "It's my place, too, Chef Darcy. Shall we cook together this time?"

"It is one of the highlights of my day."

"When you are available," she said with a sigh. She still found it hard to believe he'd moved to Chicago last month to live with her, but it still meant the occasional trip to New York to see his sister and check on his own interests. And he still retained an apartment here, so they shared that when they were in town, as they were now.

"That was a very nice thing you did for Lydia," she mused as they walked arm in arm from the set.

"What can I say? Some men are pigs!"