Part I

Posted on Sunday, 23 March 2008

Introduction:

This is a telling of Pride and Prejudice from Darcy's point of view.

In Hertfordshire

A rich young man who needs a wife:
a story told across the land.
How can a man with such a life
survive in London where it's rife
with women firm in their demand,
where eager maids and mothers stand?

When such a man decides to lease
a house in faroff county lands,
solicitations never cease
and he can never rest in peace.
The neighbours hope he'll understand
that he must choose their daughter's hand.

In Meryton you'll find a street,
a spot where lurking parents wait.
You'll notice there a lofty seat
called Netherfield, a nice retreat.
A place to find a lifelong mate;
by all accounts a fine estate.

To take this house there comes a man,
with happy face and sparkling eye,
who ever since his trip began
is anxious to pursue a plan:
while Netherfield is quite a buy
he hopes to find a wife nearby.

His sister, though, is not so sure.
She thinks he's made a big mistake
with wealth their father had procured
to make their life much more secure.
She feels that for her brother's sake,
he should consider what's at stake.

And Bingley brings to his estate
a friend of quite imposing stripe.
A man with wealth of heavy weight;
a man who's quite a loyal mate.
His name is Darcy, noble type,
who's unattached and very ripe.

Where needy women are concerned
this Darcy is a careful sort.
Through long experience he has learned
that his approval must be earned.
The women that he tries to court
must not have any social wart.

Now Bingley's done all this before.
He likes to scour the countryside
to look for girls he might adore.
To Darcy it's a dreadful bore.
A silly way to find a bride;
just take more care when you decide.

The Meryton Assembly

Some happy news when they've arrived:
a big event inside Town Hall.
The thing on which our Bingley's thrived;
the thing of which he's been deprived.
In Meryton there'll be a ball,
the biggest ball they've had all fall.

But getting Darcy to attend:
a task on which our Bingley chokes.
He promised that he'd bring a friend
and if he fails then he'll offend.
But after much cajole and coax
his friend agrees to join the folks.

Now Bingley's having quite the night;
he's walking tall and smiling bright.
An evening filled with great delight;
for him the evening's quite alright.
But Darcy's putting up a fight;
his sour expression looks a fright.

He seems to think it's all for nought.
Just rustic charm and fancy dress.
He's now been caught in Bingley's plot;
his temper's hot and overwrought.
And Bingley's sister is a mess;
she likes this party even less.

And Darcy just turns up his nose
when Bingley comes to rest his feet.
The partner that the latter chose
is one who strikes a pretty pose.
The room, however, is replete
with commonfolk not fit to meet.

The girl that Bingley's fallen for:
no doubt the best beneath this roof.
Her sisters spread across the floor;
her mother must have girls galore.
The girl, however, seems aloof.
She thinks herself beyond reproof.

This girl is quite unlike the rest:
no finer girl in all these parts.
Her lovely eyes and heaving chest
have left some suitors quite impressed.
Accomplished in so many arts,
her looks have broken many hearts.

Now Bingley tries to get his friend
to circulate and have a dance.
But Darcy hopes the night will end
for now he sees a nasty trend
of women giving him the glance.
He knows that they don't stand a chance.

A girl sits on a chair nearby
and Bingley thinks that he should try.
She happens to catch Darcy's eye
so he insults her with a lie.
But then the girl runs off to cry.
His little jab has gone awry.

But Darcy didn't want to hurt
and now he feels like such a brute.
To make up for his being curt
he might as well go try to flirt.
He watches her while she's en route
and finds that she is rather cute.

But, Darcy! You've seen this before.
The ice you're on is pretty thin.
Don't let her through that deadly door;
she'll wipe you all across the floor.
But careful man! Don't let her in!
She'll just get underneath your skin!

She's safely distant. She has run
to one who is a close ally.
But what's that laughter that's begun?
Our man now starts to come undone.
But when she smiles he can't deny
he loves the twinkle in her eye.

He had no notion danger loomed
but this girl's smile is such a switch.
He has a feeling he is doomed
for with her face he's now consumed.
This night began without a hitch
but this girl makes his neckhairs twitch.

And then he finds this very girl
has as her sister Bingley's girl.
How odd that they've each found a girl
whose sister was the other's girl.
Jane Bennet is our Bingley's girl
while Lizzy B. is Darcy's pearl.

But poor Miss Bingley's not amused
to be with humankind so plain.
She feels that she has been abused
and now she's really quite confused
by what her brother sees in Jane.
To marry her would reap no gain.

When they get home the lady fumes.
It took her brother one short week
to make a move that he presumes
will start a life of love and blooms.
Miss Bennet's prospects are so weak;
just think what havoc she could wreak.

And Darcy finds he must agree;
the Bennets are a dangerous bunch.
He gives his friend a guarantee:
to court these girls will not be free.
He also has a nagging hunch:
their Mom will throw a knockout punch.

In Meryton

Next morning they go into town
to have a little shopping spree.
They want to have a look around
this tiny nook of no renown.
And who by chance should Darcy see
but that same girl, that Lizzy B.

A meeting they cannot avoid;
a meeting that should not occur.
Though last night's party she enjoyed
her self-esteem is now destroyed.
From what she says he can infer
that she had heard his unkind slur.

Of course his native eloquence
should charm the shoes right off her feet.
He preaches in his own defence
but finds this girl has no pretense.
Predicting now a bad defeat
he tries to beat a quick retreat.

This girl is not the least impressed.
How very odd to say the least.
Though he has tried his very best,
it's pretty clear that she's obsessed.
She treats him like a pompous beast;
she's caused his pants to come uncreased.

They meet again at Lucas Lodge
where Darcy is Sir William's prey.
The man's embrace he tries to dodge;
his stranglehold can't be dislodged.
But then he makes a quick survey
to see if Lizzy's here today.

Their last dispute left him irate;
he has some gossip to dispell.
He starts right in to explicate
but she declines to take the bait.
At sweet talk he does not excel;
she wishes him a curt farewell.

But then she sits to sing and play
and everyone calms down to hear.
He's quite surprised to see the way
she offers such a fine display.
He cannot help but shed a tear;
the sweetest voice to grace his ear.

A Surprise at Netherfield

At home he starts to reminisce.
How can that girl have this effect?
He knows that things can go amiss
whenever he is trapped like this.
This country girl shows no respect.
What sort of man does she expect?

Oh, what Miss Bingley can contrive!
A plot to show she's so polite.
She asks Jane Bennet to arrive
to dine with her at half past five.
She sends the men out for the night
to keep that twosome out of sight.

The two young men return to find
Miss Jane is now asleep upstairs.
The Bingleys now are in a bind:
a risk of getting too entwined.
With any luck and many prayers
she'll soon be well and ease their cares.

But Bingley gives his sister grief;
his countenance is quite a fright.
Miss Bingley is, it's his belief,
no better than a common thief.
His knuckles start to turn all white,
but sister's not the least contrite.

They all suspect the Bennet Mom;
this sounds like one of her affairs.
A parent that would make Jane come
in pouring rain is worrisome.
But do you know why Darcy cares?
It's that Miss Lizzy's not upstairs.

Next morning, though, a girl arrives,
a girl, bedraggled, full of mud.
This sodden journey she survived
to see if Jane was still alive.
When Darcy sees who faced that flood
his all-too-heavy heart goes thud.

Now Darcy's mind is tossed and torn,
for Lizzy's here to care for Jane.
Although her wit is like a thorn,
her presence makes him feel reborn.
But outside there is still some rain
so they insist that she remain.

When evening comes they play at whist,
a game he plays at rapid pace.
At times he has to make a fist
when Lizzy plays a card he missed.
He's now obsessed with saving face,
but Lizzy always trumps his Ace.

Then Mrs. Bennet comes to spy
and check the state of Jane's ill health.
She takes a look in Bingley's eye
to judge the zeal his stares imply.
She glances 'round with practiced stealth;
she's still impressed with Bingley's wealth.

But Bingley's sister is aghast:
her brother has just made a splash.
They caught him in a trap so vast,
he twists and turns; the die is cast.
Now he and sister soon will clash;
he promised them he'd throw a bash.

When Jane at length can leave her room
Miss Bingley is much less distraught.
But with them gone it's like a tomb
and Darcy hates his sense of gloom.
He finds himself in quite a spot:
his fancy pants are in a knot.

How far it is your thoughts can range
with words on which you can rely.
Miss Lizzy was a healthy change;
the empty house will feel so strange.
Engaging talk will soon run dry
for wit is now in short supply.

Wickham

Relieving boredom can be hard
when all your thoughts lie somewhere else.
And now that both their hearts are scarred
the gents must always be on guard.
But stuffy places still repulse,
so riding is their next impulse.

To Meryton is where they go,
all proud and puffy on their steeds.
Those girls are there; they say hello,
but with them is an evil foe,
a man named Wickham, whose foul needs
have brought about horrendous deeds.

Of Wickham they must all beware.
The sight of him makes Darcy green.
He looks at Wickham's friendly air
and seems as if about to swear.
Our Darcy causes quite a scene.
What can this awful business mean?

The Bennet girls must now be warned.
Of Wickham's past they're unaware.
That man must now be quickly scorned
before new victims' fates are mourned.
It's certain that he'll cause a scare.
Against him they don't have a prayer.

He preys on women left and right;
he is indeed the desperate sort,
His friendly manner is just right
to make them fawn with great delight.
The ladies that he likes to court
are those with funds he can extort.

Why just last year old Wickham tried
to carry Darcy's sister off.
So like a fiend he had to ride
to stop the two from being tied.
Then Wickham's head he tried to doff;
that mountebank could only scoff.

But should he bother telling them?
What danger are the Bennets in?
What sort of mess could Wickham stem?
Their little house is not a gem.
Their small estate's not much to win.
Their situation's pretty thin.

But Wickham now has joined the ranks;
his Colonel needs a prompt alert.
When Darcy tells of Wickham's pranks
that officer should offer thanks.
He'll render Wickham quite inert
when Darcy mentions all that dirt.

The Netherfield Ball

At Netherfield the day's arrived;
the promised ball is here at last.
The merriment and joy will thrive;
the servants number ninety-five.
The drink and dance and lush repast
will make the evening quite a blast.

This ball is what the people want;
they've all put on their fancy clothes.
For farmers it's a lively jaunt;
they have their Sunday best to flaunt.
Miss Bingley, though, with turned-up nose,
would never dance with one of those.

The Bennets soon arrive in force;
when fun's involved they're quite devout.
And Jane and Lizzy come of course,
the Bennet name to reinforce.
They're all prepared to sing and shout,
and even their Papa turns out.

As soon as people start to dance
it's time to get to what's at hand.
Our man sees Lizzy in a trance
and so he starts his bold advance.
But quickly he will understand
that nothing here will go as planned.

For Lizzy doesn't notice him;
it seems that she is on a search.
Her lovely face is rather grim;
her chance of any luck is slim.
He may as well stay on his perch;
she's going to leave him in the lurch.

"It can't be Wickham she would want.
If he shows up I'll have him trounced.
He may just come and try to taunt.
He's likely inat some vulgar haunt.
I will not hear his name pronounced.
If he comes here I'll have him bounced."

He catches her as she runs by;
his manly frame she can't ignore.
She's trying hard to say goodbye;
she wants to leave him high and dry.
But now his biceps block the door,
so she consents to take the floor.

But now his mouth is full of salt;
his hardship isn't well-disguied.
He'd better not find too much fault
with someone that she might exalt.
To try to keep her well apprised,
might make him look uncivilized.

Perhaps he should avoid a strike
and just let Wickham hang himself.
She's sure to find out what he's like
and then she'll have him take a hike.
It's best that he restrain himself,
so Darcy leaves it on the shelf.

But then she starts with some detail
and tries to talk of this or that.
She makes a reference very veiled
to Wickham's sad and sorry tale.
But Darcy will have none of that;
their lively talk has fallen flat.

So Wickham's tongue has gone and lied.
How can our Darcy still allow
the stories that the man implied?
His sordid tales should be denied.
But there's no point in trying now;
that Wickham's like a sacred cow.

The merriment has all been run;
they're ready for a fond farewell.
Miss Bingley is so glad it's done
though Mrs. Bennet thinks she's won.
But Darcy doesn't feel too swell;
his Lizzy fight did not go well.

Now Bingley's sister jabs a knife
to add more grief to Darcy's woes.
The Bennets' cousin needs a wife,
a partner for his cleric life.
A man that Darcy hardly knows
will go to Lizzy and propose.

She heard this rumour, every word,
while sneering at the noisy crowd.
The girl the rector had preferred
was Jane, but that was quite absurd,
for Mrs. Bennet said out loud
that Bingley soon would make her proud.

There's nothing left for Darcy now.
The time for waiting now has passed.
He sits and rubs his furrowed brow;
his deep concerns he won't avow.
The ruling has been made at last:
they have to leave this place, and fast.

Interlude in London

Now let's leave Hertfordshire a while
and see what makes our Darcy tick.
Though Jane had shown a certain style,
he didn't like her mother's guile.
So hoping for a better pick,
he made sure Bingley's flight was quick.

But life in town is quite mundane
as even Bingley will agree.
The man is still obsessed with Jane
though Darcy thinks he should refrain.
But when our Darcy's thoughts are free,
his mind returns to Lizzy B.

But suddenly the spring is here
and Darcy has some dreadful chores.
The worst occasion of the year:
a plan to which he must adhere.
An irksome trip that he abhors,
and woe to him if he ignores.

Now Darcy's aunt (with daughter Anne),
is Lady Cat, with pride profuse.
Her rector is that very man
who dared to ask for Lizzy's hand.
But this connection has its use
for all the fun it can produce.

Now how can Darcy go to Kent
and pass along that dreaded gate?
To see her sitting by that gent
will make his spinal cord go bent.
To gaze at her in such a state
will be a fate he'll surely hate.

But since she's made that awful choice
he might just go to sit and gloat.
He'd like to use his sneering voice
to show her how they all rejoice.
That rector, though, that silly goat,
he'd like to seize him by the throat.

Now Lady Cat has always said
that her dear sister had insisted
that their two children must be wed.
That's just the thing that they both dread.
No matter how his aunt persisted
it's what the two have long resisted.

In cousin Anne he can confide.
She writes to him with this decree:
it seems the rector's brand new bride
will have a friend who will reside
with her at Hunsford. So there's three:
the pastor, wife, and Lizzy B.

He reads that letter twice and thrice.
This news makes Darcy drop his jaw.
So Lizzy didn't pay that price;
she spurned her cousin in a trice.
Our man still thinks of her with awe;
this girl has not a single flaw.

That letter's full of startling news.
It's far beyond his wildest dream.
So Lizzy's head she didn't lose
and on to Kent our man will cruise.
And under his own aunt's regime
he just might take the plunge supreme.

In Kent

His carriage is not fast enough;
he might jump out and run the rest.
This journey will be very rough
but Darcy's made of sterner stuff.
Like Bingley he is now obsessed.
He wants our Lizzy in his nest.

He brings to Kent a confidant;
the Colonel: cousin, just like Anne.
If female facts are what you want,
you'll find the Colonel's mind a font.
So praise for Lizzy should be banned;
the Colonel is a lady's man.

The time has come. He walks right in,
and there she sits, a wondrous sight.
The woman that he hopes to win
is back again. Where has she been?
She looks at him with eyes so bright,
he feels a torrid fire ignite.

How could he ever snub this girl?
There is no other to prefer.
She's not the daughter of an earl
but who compares to such a pearl?
And as for what might now occur
his focus is on winning her.

She stands up well to Lady Cat;
his aunt can't get the upper hand.
She can't keep up with Lizzy's chat
so her obtuse remarks fall flat.
The Lady cannot understand
how in her house she's lost command.

Now Lady Cat is quite surprised
that Darcy is so prompt for tea.
His company is highly prized
but his delight is ill-disguised.
He's always there at stroke of three.
Come rain or shine that's where he'll be.

His eyes won't leave Miss Bennet's face.
His deep regard is cause for fear.
His love for Anne? There's not a trace.
To Lady Cat, a big disgrace.
So Darcy's aunt won't shed a tear
when Lizzy Bennet's gone from here.

He often meets her on the way
as she is walking through the park.
He has no notion what to say
but Lizzy always saves the day.
She always has the right remark;
Her clever words have such a spark.

So Darcy has fulfilled his quest;
Miss Bennet is to be his bride.
With all objections laid to rest
and all the grace with which he's blessed
he'll march right in there open-eyed
and she'll march out right by his side.

Oh, he is such a generous man
to overlook her crucial flaws.
He'll give her anything he can
and offer her a family plan.
He stops and waits for her applause
but Lizzy starts to bare her claws.

She seems to be a little miffed;
to his affection she is blind.
Her sharp response is rather swift;
she's not enamoured of this gift.
His brilliant scheme will now unwind;
to his surprise she has declined.

So Darcy has fulfilled his quest;
Miss Bennet is to be his bride.
With all objections laid to rest
and all the grace with which he's blessed
he'll march right in there open-eyed
and she'll march out right by his side.

Oh, he is such a generous man
to overlook her crucial flaws.
He'll give her anything he can
and offer her a family plan.
He stops and waits for her applause
but Lizzy starts to bare her claws.

She seems to be a little miffed;
to his affection she is blind.
Her sharp response is rather swift;
she's not enamoured of this gift.
His brilliant scheme will now unwind;
to his surprise she has declined.

Composure doesn't last too long;
his faculties are quite remote.
Her attitudes were rather strong,
but in some things, completely wrong.
So this whole evening he'll devote
to writing her a little note.

Here Darcy now explains his views
and tells her how he's fought his pain
and how he's willing to excuse
the things that he had stood to lose.
But since this letter sounds so vain,
he crumples it and starts again.

Back in London

Just two days hence the men have fled
and Colonel thinks he understands
what Darcy and Miss Lizzy said
while huddled in that little spread.
He thinks that Darcy took her hand,
and wedding vows will soon be planned.

He's somewhat right, as we all know,
but Darcy's in no mood for chat.
It's Colonel's fault that he's so low
so Darcy strikes him with a blow.
They've often had a fight like that,
another little family spat.

"But, Darcy," says the Colonel quick,
"I told her of that recent case,
with Bingley, when you played that trick
and saved him from a deadly pick."
Then Darcy gives a tight embrace,
and tells the Colonel every trace.

But just before the two can blink
a man walks in upon the scene.
It's Bingley, feeling in the pink,
who just popped in to have a drink.
But when he hears who Darcy's seen
he quickly turns a shade of green.

"You made me leave my Jane behind,
and then her sister reappears.
What kind of friend would rob me blind
when Jane is all I want, combined?"
You've left my spirit in arrears;
I've half a mind to box your ears!"

"You're right, my friend," old Darcy said.
"When Lizzy was in Kent we spoke.
In matters where I dared to tread
the lady tore me to a shred.
She thought I was a pompous joke,
and all my plans went up in smoke."

"So neither girl is what we want.
The Bennet name is not for us.
It's social functions we should haunt;
perhaps we'll find a debutante."
Now here's where Bingley starts to fuss.
"We have a few things to discuss."

"Now Darcy, pray, I want to know
why you were so insistent that
I quit that lovely house up north
and leave behind that sweet girl Jane
and wind up feeling so forlorn
that I can think of no one else."

"But Bingley man, how many times
has some young thing led you astray?
Two men like us, still in our primes,
are open to all sorts of crimes.
If Mrs. B had had her way
she'd have our heads served on a tray."

The men shook hands, and guaranteed
that things were back to what they were.
"I know, my friend, just what we need:
a trip up north with lightning speed."
But Bingley said, "I do concur,
but late July I much prefer."

Lugubrious in London

So Darcy now is back in town
and once again he's social prey.
At big soirees he has a frown
for anyone who wears a gown.
Whenever someone turns his way
he has to keep the wolf at bay.

His every thought goes back to her;
he finds it hard to concentrate.
Obsession makes his mind a blur;
all other thoughts he must defer.
So he will just sit back and wait.
Have patience, man! It will abate.

His memory knows a simpler time
when women acted very bold.
Young Darcy then was in his prime
and on his back they tried to climb
to try to get a firmer hold
on Darcy's luscious life of gold.

But he'd just brush those girls away
and turn around and act aloof.
That silly game was fun to play;
he'd always win, to their dismay.
Avoiding any social goof,
his manner was beyond reproof.

There was that time when he was stung
and Darcy almost hit the mat.
The wedding bells were being rung
when he first heard her shrewish tongue.
A girl who sounds like Lady Cat?
So Darcy said, "Enough of that!"

That European was a treat,
and quite an air that she evinced.
Whenever they had chanced to meet
her gossip was so indiscreet.
And though her father was a prince
the thought of her just makes him wince.

How do you get to know a girl
when all she does is smile and flirt?
For even if her dad's an earl
her wicked temper might unfurl.
You always have to be alert
if you don't want to lose your shirt.

You have to make her lose her cool;
discover that which gets her irked.
And even though it's awfully cruel
he follows now this golden rule:
You need to be a nasty jerk
to see if she will go berserk.

Is Lizzy different from the rest?
How did she handle getting stressed?
When he was acting like a pest
did she put up a big protest?
Her grace and poise left him impressed.
It seems that she has passed the test.