Posted on 2008-11-24
Part 1 - In Which Darcy Is Affectionate
Darcy: *plays with kittens*
Lizzy: *is favourably impressed*
Darcy: I love you like the sun and the moon and the stars.
Lizzy: You love the sun and the moon and the stars?
Darcy: Well, actually ... I take them for granted.
Lizzy: I must conclude that you take me for granted then, Sir.
Darcy: Oh, you are so witty and intelligent.
Lizzy: I'm also less prejudiced and love you like I'm blind.
Darcy: *ponders the meaning of the statement*
Lizzy: Love of my life, I have to go now. My father awaits me in the library. He's decided to take some measures to curb in my silly sisters and I'm to assist him with a battle plan.
Darcy: *blows her a masculine kiss as goodbye*
Lizzy: *is abducted by pirates turned highwaymen disguised as gypsies on her way home*
Angst: *files its nails*
End of Part 1
Part 2 - In Which Darcy Is Strong, Decisive, Silent And Masculine
Darcy: *is strong, decisive, silent and masculine*
Pirates turned highwaymen disguised as gypsies: *are pursued*
Darcy: *is strong, decisive, silent and masculine*
Pirates turned highwaymen disguised as gypsies: *are beaten up*
Darcy: *is strong, decisive, silent and masculine*
Lizzy: My hero! Yes, I will marry you!
D/E: *marry in haste*
Mr Bennet: I've never noticed my Lizzy favouring him anyway. Maybe I'm not as perceptive as I thought.
Mrs Bennet: I've never noticed my Lizzy favouring him anyway. Maybe I'm not as perceptive as I thought.
Mr Bennet: Who will help me with the battle plan now?
Mrs Bennet: Let me help, my love.
Mr Bennet: This is not about marriage. It's about keeping the silly sisters away from men.
Mrs Bennet: *has a sensible thought* That might actually be for the best. I don't like the way they run after the officers.
Mr Bennet: *is so surprised that he has a stroke*
Angst: *brushes its hair*
End of Part 2
Part 3 - In Which Darcy Is Impressed With The Gardiners
Darcy: *is strong, decisive, silent and masculine*
Lizzy: My father! No, oh no, my father!
Darcy: *consoles Lizzy (in a strong, decisive, silent and masculine way)*
The Gardiners: *come and bring a physician*
Darcy: *is impressed by their thoughtfulness*
The physician: *is a likeable original character and miraculously heals Mr Bennet*
Mrs Gardiner: Come, Lizzy, dry your tears. Your father will live.
Lizzy: Oh, uncle! How can we ever repay you!
Mr Gardiner: Don't mention it, niece.
Darcy: *is impressed by their genteel behaviour*
Lady Catherine: *enters* Here am I, here dare I to be. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I despise and abhor this contemptible union.
Darcy: *allows not*
Lady Catherine: *vows revenge*
Angst: *surreptitiously sniffs self*
End of Part 3
Part 4 - In Which Darcy Introduces His Wife To The Ton
The Gardiners: *become friends with Lady Catherine*
Lady Catherine: I see the error in my wicked, wicked ways. Dearest niece, can you forgive me? I behaved abominably just now.
Lizzy: *forgives*
Anne: *waits in the carriage*
The Gardiners: *become friends with Anne*
Darcy, Lizzy, the Gardiners, Lady Catherine & Anne: *travel to London*
Darcy: *leads Lizzy to a barrel*
Lady Catherine: Elizabeth, this is the ton. My grandfather fashioned it with his own two hands.
Lizzy: Huh?
Anne: It's a family tradition. You have to take it by storm.
Lizzy: *takes the ton by storm*
Darcy: *is very proud of his wife*
Angst: *takes a shower*
End of Part 4
Part 5 - In Which Darcy Shows Some Of His Pride
Georgiana: Oh, Elizabeth - I may call you Elizabeth, no? - I've heard so much about you.
The Gardiners: *befriend Georgiana*
Lizzy: Oh, Georgiana, I love you like a sister already.
Georgiana: *interacts affectionately with her brother and her new sister*
Darcy: *is proud of his wife and his sister and shows it*
The Matlocks: *enter*
The Gardiners: *befriend the Matlocks*
Earl of Matlock: What is this I hear? You've married, nephew?
Darcy: *proudly presents his wife to the Matlocks*
The Matlocks: *are instantly impressed with Lizzy*
Colonel Fitzwilliam: But, Elizabeth, what about us? Did those Hunsford Days mean nothing to you?
Lizzy: I ... ah, well. I must have forgot.
Colonel Fitzwilliam: You forgot that we were engaged?!?
Angst: *decides to wash hair while under the shower*
End of Part 5
Part 6 - In Which Darcy Is Speechless With Jealousy
The Gardiners: *befriend Colonel Fitzwilliam*
Darcy: *glares bloody murder at the Colonel*
Colonel Fitzwilliam: I didn't know that you had an eye on her, too. You never looked but to criticise. Tell me, how were I to know that you love her?
Darcy: *rolls his eyes and continues glaring*
Colonel Fitzwilliam: Just because we have this weird mind link thing going on, which hails from the time when we fell into the lake and the Lady therein cursed us? No, that's just not on. You can't make me responsible for your lousy behaviour.
Darcy: *increases heat of the glare by another notch*
Lizzy: Oh darling, please. My conscience would bother me forever if you had a fall-out with your best friend since forever over me of all people.
Darcy: *stops strangling the Colonel for Lizzy's sake*
Bingley: *slinks into room* Darcy, say, did I leave my spine around here?
Angst: *rummages for its hair dryer*
End of Part 6
Part 7 - In Which Darcy Helps Bingley Grow A Spine
Darcy: *points to excess spine lying on the sideboard*
Bingley: Ah, goody. *takes enormous syringe out of doctor's bag*
The Gardiners: *befriend Bingley*
Syringe: *extracts marrow from spine*
Bingley: *infuses self with the extracted marrow*
Darcy: *gives Bingley some skele-grow*
Bingley: *grows a spine*
Jane Bennet: *runs in and snags some of the skele-grow*
The Gardiners: *befriend Jane* *befriended Jane quite some years ago*
Jane: I've already infused myself with some marrow I extracted from a spine on which I pricked my finger yesterday*
Lizzy: Atta, girl! Now go and take what's yours.
Jane: *grows a spine*
Angst: *tries to decide on what to wear*
End of Part 7
Part 8 - In Which Darcy Does Not Appear
Jane: *cracks whip* You miserable excuse of a man!
Bingley: *suffers*
Jane: How dare you leave me!
Bingley: Oh beloved angel, I thought you didn't love me.
Lizzy: Are you blind, man? Even now the blush of love is brushed on her face.
Bingley: I see it now. I did not see it then. I had no spine.
Jane: You make a viable argument. Well then, I take you back.
Bingley: *stares at his angel with puppy-dog eyes*
Jane: *stares back*
Colonel Fitzwilliam: Stop making doe-eyes at each other. You make me sick and wicked.
Random Lady #1: *enters*
The Gardiners: *befriend Random Lady #1*
Random Lady #1: Have you forgot about me, Richard Montgomery Elias Charleston Annabelle Fitzwilliam? Does our shared history mean nothing to you? Why have you run off to become engaged to a country nobody (who is a very nice and charming young lady, now that I have met her)?
Colonel Fitzwilliam: Random Lady #1! I thought you had married. It broke my heart. *sinks into chair* Then you are ... not married?
Random Lady #1: No, indeed, I'm not.
Colonel Fitzwilliam: *sobs with joy*
Earl of Matlock: *threateningly* Boy! Who is this woman?
Angst: *tries to find matching shoes*
End of Part 8
Part 9 - In Which Darcy Still Does Not Appear
Colonel Fitzwilliam: I love her and I'm going to marry her.
Colonel Fitzwilliam and Random Lady #1: *exit to find the nearest bishop* Excuse us. We're getting married by Special Licence.
Lady Matlock: I'm surprised. I thought our dear Richard Montgomery Elias Charleston Annabelle was from the other side.
Earl of Matlock: So thought I, too. Life's full of surprises, isn't it?
Caroline Bingley: *enters dramatically* Charles, tell me it isn't true!
Louisa Hurst: *rushes in* Caroline, please don't.
Mr Hurst: *follows* Louisa is quite right, sister. Leave it be. The boy will marry Miss Bennet and that's an end to it.
Caroline: No, I will not allow it. Charles, you can't do that!
Charles: Caroline, enough! I will hear nothing of this. It's my life and I can marry whoever I want.
Caroline: *is shocked* But, Charlie-
Charles: Don't Charlie me. It won't help you either.
Caroline: *sits down in shock and says no more*
All: *forget about the youngest Bingley*
The Gardiners: *befriend the Hursts*
Angst: *searches for matching handbag*
End of Part 9
Part 10 - In Which Darcy Is Progressive
Mary Bennet: *flits into room and drags Darcy into a dark corner* Mr Darcy, as you are my brother now, I feel I can rely on your discretion.
Darcy: *makes motion of zipping his mouth shut*
Mary: Thank you. Now, here's the deal. I'm not like my sisters. I don't look for marriage. I want more. I want to learn-No, don't stop me. I have to get it all out or I'll lose heart. I want to learn the stuff that ladies are not allowed to learn. In short, I want to go to Cambridge.
Darcy: ...
Mary: I have thought it through. I can disguise myself as a boy. I'll easily pass for a boy. I'll go by the name of Marius Bennet. I've already written with the dean and I'm practically enrolled ... but ... But I need help with the funding. Father - he ... he's trying but we're not affluent. Not to send me to school. Would you ... am I asking too much ... I'll pay it back as soon as possible, I swear.
Darcy: *forks over a cheque*
Mary: Thanks. Thank you! You will get your money back. I promise. Thank you. *scampers off to her wild life at Cambridge*
Angst: *hums quietly*
End of Part 10
Part 11 - In Which Darcy Suffers From Reversal
Mr Collins: *oozes into the room* Elizabeth, what are you doing here? I'm quite sure, I left you at the parsonage.
Lizzy: You did?
Mr Collins: Yes, I did indeed. You said you wanted to stay at home. It was your idea, Elizabeth.
Earl of Matlock: *thunders* Why are you adressing my niece in such familiar terms?
Mr Collins: We are married. I may call my wife by any term I see fit.
All: What?
Lizzy: It is true. Elizabeth Bennet married Mr Collins.
Lady Matlock: How could you marry my nephew then?
Lizzy: Because I'm not Elizabeth.
All: *are very surprised*
Lizzy: Indeed. I am none other than *rips mask from face* Charlotte Lucas.
All: *gasp*
Earl of Matlock: But on the marriage licence ...
Lizzy Charlotte: ... is my name.
All: *stare at licence*
Licence: *reads Charlotte Lucas where the bride's name should be*
Angst: *ENTERS*
End of Part 11
Part 12 - In Which We Come To An End (Finally)
Nearly Everyone: *leaves in shock*
Mrs Gardiner: Dear, just look at our friendslist. So many new friends. It was quite a successful day.
Mr Gardiner: I can't help but feel that we forgot something.
Caroline: *shifts in her seat*
The Gardiners: Aah. *befriend Caroline*
Caroline: *smiles shily and friends back*
End of Part 12
and
A/N: It's not a story for everyone after all. False advertisement! I'm ashamed of myself. Half the things that were (are still being) listed are not in. Sorry.