Posted on 2008-10-20

part one

The Austenite faith is believed to have originated some time in the mid to late 20th century. Devotees frequently attended religious ceremonies for other faiths, but reserved their true devotion to their often terrifying cult.

Austenites worshipped the twin deity LizzyDarcy, believed by experts to be some kind of fertility symbol with both male and female aspects. Many lesser twin deities were invoked by devotees, requiring the ritual sacrifice of untold thousands of words in offerings given at the cult's virtual temples.

The naïve might think that followers of a cult devoted to true love and the ritual joining of the two halves of their twin deities would be harmless: this regrettable fallacy was first exposed in 2137 when the fearsome properties of cultist battle scones were revealed to the general public. Experts have attempted to recreate the recipe for this terrible, biodegradeable weapon, but have so far failed to achieve fabled melt-in-the-mouth softness of a fresh battle scone maturing to rock-hard strength within hours.

The 2137 Tea and Battle Scone Murders are reputed to have followed the heresy of an Austenite separating one of the cult's twin deities in an offering to the secretive Dwiggie branch of the cult. The heretic and her followers - most members of the cult were female - were tracked down and ritually murdered by being scalded with hot tea and pelted by battle scones. The cryptic inscription "Lizzy+Darcy4EVAH" is believed to be the first open reference to the cult's principal deity.

In the years following this event, tea and battle scones were involved in the deaths of no fewer than twenty cultists. Ordinarily authorities would have permitted cultists to resolve their differences amongst themselves, had it not been for the Great Scone Massacre of 2217.

In this event, incensed cultists stormed New Hollywood following the release of an obscure show entitled "Pride-Prejudice", an oddly-named retelling of the Shakespearean Romeo and Juliet. By the time the rampaging Austenites were subdued by the National Guard, some 124 members of production staff had been killed and many more wounded. Austenite casualties are less clear due to the secretive nature of the cult.

Rumors persist that the Austenites funded and established a colony in the outer reaches of the Alpha Centauri systems. They are said to have kidnapped and enslaved a number of males for unknown purposes: possibly reproductive despite the availability of several scientific methods. These slaves are always called Darcy or Bingley (sometimes abbreviated to Bingles) or in very rare cases Fitzy, unless of course they are defective, in which case they answer to Collins

Rumors of the aberrant behavior in this world have reached the ears of the authorities of various worlds, but to date no-one has been able to locate the colony.

It is said that, when having offended, male slaves in this world are forced to recite -- from memory -- the entire script of Pride And Prejudice II, one of several variant forms of the holy scripture. Other rumored ceremonies include services at which devotes sing "Anne must die," although no-one has never figured out who Anne is or why her death is required.

Another cryptic chant at their ceremonies is reported to be Fix This Now, sometimes abbreviated to FTN. No one knows what it meant, but it perhaps referred to some form of temporal warfare?

Toads seem to be sacred to Mr. Collins, a minor -- often antithetical -- deity who appears to embody mental defectiveness and poor hygiene.

The most feared demon in the cult is Mr. Wickham, sometimes bewilderingly named Wicky, which seems far too affectionate for an evil god. Known for the despoiling of virgins, he has also been the patron of theft and murder and might be a cognate of Mercury, Pan or in the more ancient Norse mythologies, Fenris.

Though there are no reports of orgiastic episodes such as found in other female religions -- vid, the cult of Cybelle and the Baccants -- there is a reference to something called Dwiggie Meets, which has never been fully explained.

Literary historians and theologians are divided as to whether the minor 21st century author Sarah A Hoyt was an Austenite. The author is believed to have embedded at least three phrases from one form or another of the Austenite scriptures in each of her eminently forgettable works.

Curiously, despite the many forms of Austenite scripture, there have been no known schisms over which represents the true faith: in this matter it appears from what data is available that any scripture furthering the union of their beloved deity was acceptable.

The cult was banned in 2301, although rumors exist that it remains active today, with members forbidden to reveal their affiliations.

Written For The Council of Theological Historians, 5469 AD

Humbly submitted for approval.