Posted on Friday, 3 August 2007

Please leave all overcoats, canes and... top hats with the doorman.
From that moment, you'll be out of place and under dressed.
I'm wrecking this evening already and loving every minute of it.
Ruining this banquet for the mildly inspiring and...

Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley arrived at Netherfield just before sunset. Caroline welcomed the two graciously like any Mistress must do before she loses her place. No matter, she thought. With Lydia Bennet's recent shotgun wedding, Mr. Darcy is sure to forget his infatuation with Miss Eliza. She spent the rest of the night with the same haughty grin as she thought of everything she'd have once she married Mr. Darcy. The man himself was quiet for most of the night because his thoughts were focused on a more pleasant woman with fine dark eyes.

"Oh, Caroline," Charles said. "Mr. Darcy is throwing a party next week at Pemberley, so I hope you behave yourself."

At first, Caroline wanted to ask what the occasion was, but she assumed it was to celebrate Georgiana's premiere to society for the upcoming Season. No matter, Caroline thought. I'm very sure that I'll secure Mr. Darcy's heart now. He won't even stand to be near that chit. She rested easy that night knowing that her future as Mistress of Pemberley was secure.

Please leave all overcoats, canes and top hats with the doorman.
From that moment, you'll be out of place and under dressed.
I'm wrecking this evening already and loving every minute of it.
Ruining this banquet for the mildly inspiring and...

The following week, Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy prepared to pick up their respective fiancés for the party. Ever the excellent eavesdropper, Caroline overheard Mr. Bingley talk about how Miss Elizabeth went to town to shop and how Mr. Darcy must be looking forward to seeing what she bought. How sad, Caroline thought. She put all that effort into finding a dress for nothing. A plan to completely humiliate her rival quickly formed in her head.

She searched her wardrobe for her best and brightest gown that was sure to outshine anything Miss Eliza would wear. She decided to wear something she bought from London to give every woman in this backwards town a lesson in true fashion. The burnt orange gown will do nicely, she thought. The dress itself was a taffeta dinner gown with three tiers of lace trimmings above the hem and a daringly low V-cut. With her apricot feathered turban and fall-toned brooch with matching earrings, how could Mr. Darcy not propose on the spot at the party?

Then, as they headed into the carriage, Caroline said, "You look so nice, Mr. Darcy, when you're in black slacks with accentuating, off-white, pinstripes." To her surprise (NOT!), Mr. Darcy returned her compliment with one of his own and a smile. Everything goes according to plan, Caroline thought as the carriage headed into Pemberley.

As the trio walked into the party, Caroline noticed that her future husband was walking towards Miss Eliza, who was wearing the same gown she wore to the Netherfield Ball. Raising an eyebrow, she followed Mr. Darcy and said to Miss Eliza, "Isn't that the gown you wore at the Netherfield Ball?"

"Yes, it is, Miss Bingley. What about it?"

"It's just that I heard that you went into town for a new dress."

"I did, but I'm not going to wear it for two months."

"Pray, what's so special about that dress that you have to wait two months to wear it?"

"Didn't Charles tell you?" Miss Elizabeth removed the glove from her right hand to reveal a one-carat rose-cut diamond resting on a silver band. Caroline, who could tell the worth of any jewelry in the blink of an eye, knew that no man in Meryton could afford a ring this opulent. The next four words from Miss Elizabeth's mouth sent Caroline into a tailspin. "I'm engaged to Mr. Darcy."

I'm the new cancer,
Never looked better, you can't stand it.
Because you say so under your breath.
You're reading lips, "When did he get all confident?"
Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer,
Never looked better and you can't stand it.

"Then the dress you were looking for was..." Caroline said, paralyzed with shock.

"Her wedding gown, Miss Bingley," Mr. Darcy said as he gave Elizabeth a drink and a kiss on her cheek. "We're getting married with Jane and Charles in August," Miss Elizabeth said.

Caroline nodded and excused herself to go to the powder room.

Next is a trip to the, the ladies room in vain and
I bet you just can't keep up with(keep up!)these fashionistas and.
Tonight, tonight, you are, you are a whispering campaign.
I bet to them, your name is "Cheap", I bet to them you look like shh...

Things weren't going out as planned at all. Miss Elizabeth was supposed to show up in a dowdy evening gown, and Caroline would outshine her and everyone else with her gown. Then, she'd remind Miss Eliza of her infatuation towards Mr. Wickham and Mr. Darcy would be reminded that if he married Miss Eliza, he'd be connected to his worse enemy. Mr. Darcy would then ask Caroline to dance and propose to her right on the spot after the dance was finished.

Instead, Caroline was subjected to the whispers of the party guests, who spotted Miss Eliza's diamond and quickly learned of who gave her the ring. Caroline caught, "Orange is so cheap..." and "About time..."

Talk to the mirror, oh, choke back tears.
And keep telling yourself that, "I'm a diva"
Oh and the smokes in that cigarette box
On the table, they just so happen to be laced with nitroglycerin.

Caroline finally arrived in the powder room, where she examined her composure in the mirror. Already, her powder was moistening around her eyes. She looked up at the ceiling to prevent any tears from ruining her makeup. "You are still more fashionable than that chit. Once she's introduced to society, she will be ostracized for the nobody that she is. Once Mr. Darcy realizes the mistake he's made, he'll be mine."

As she left the powder room and observed the guests, her eyes almost popped out at who was invited: aside from Miss Eliza's Cheapside relations, some titled people of the ton were also present. Probably Darcy's friends from Cambridge. Caroline almost sunk on spot as she saw various lords and ladies get along with Miss Eliza as if she was always a respected member of London society.

Oh, why did Louisa decide to stay in town!?

I'm the new cancer,
Never looked better, you can't stand it.
Because you say so under your breath.
You're reading lips, "When did he get all confident?"
Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer,
Never looked better and you can't stand it.

Caroline looked to her would-have-been husband and realized a different sort of glimmer in his eyes. He seemed more at ease with everyone in the party. How could he be so happy as to connect himself with his worst enemy? Caroline thought. Quickly, another plan formed and Caroline danced her way (for everyone was currently dancing) to Miss Eliza, who was currently talking to Georgiana, and said, "So, how's your sister Mrs. Wickham?"

With a wince, Miss Elizabeth replied, "She's living in Chawton right now, since the regiment is encamped there." Before Caroline could say anything else, Elizabeth asked Georgiana if she could play a round with Mary, which Georgiana immediately consented to.

Caroline then remembered the last time she brought up Mr. Wickham in Georgiana's presence and stamped her foot in frustration. Before she could apologize for her mistake, the notes of an Italian waltz began to play. The assembly gathered became an audience that watched a handful of couples, including Mr. Bingley and Miss Bennet and Mr. Darcy and Miss Elizabeth, dance.

Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer?
I've never looked better and you can't stand it.
Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer?
I've never looked better and you can't stand it.

To Caroline's chagrin, Mr. Darcy and Miss Elizabeth were talented dancers. Caroline, of course, should've known that the waltz was becoming a new dance craze in London society and that Miss Elizabeth learned this romantic dance the day before she visited Pemberley. The couple looked so much in love with each other that it nearly made Caroline sick.

And I know, and I know,
It just doesn't feel like a night out with no one sizing you up.
I've never been so surreptitious,
so of course you'll be distracted when I spike the punch.

During dinner, Mr. Bennet raised a toast to the engaged couples, saying, "I have great pleasure in thinking you will be so happily settled. I have not a doubt of your doing very well together. Your tempers are by no means unlike. You are each of you so complying, that nothing will ever be resolved on; so easy, that every servant will cheat you; and so generous, that you will always exceed your income."

"Exceed their income! My dear Mr. Bennet," cried his wife, "what are you talking of? Why, he has four or five thousand a year, and very likely more. I always said it must be so, at last. I was sure you could not be so beautiful for nothing! I remember, as soon as ever I saw him, when he first came into Hertfordshire last year, I thought how likely it was that you should come together. Oh! he is the handsomest young man that ever was seen!"

"And as for Elizabeth," Mr. Bennet said, "I'm just happy that she settled whatever disagreements she had with Mr. Darcy and found happiness in the end."

And I know, and I know,
It just doesn't feel like a night out with no one sizing you up.
I've never been so surreptitious,
so of course you'll be distracted when I spike the punch.

Everyone applauded at Mr. Bennet's toast. Caroline however, sulked and sipped her soup. Miss Catherine, who sat right next to her, noticed Miss Bingley's obvious depression and whispered, "Sorry that you're not Queen of the Party, Miss Bingley."

Caroline turned to Miss Catherine and said, "Pardon?"

"I told Lydia about the engagement party tonight and she said that you must feel quite saddened at the news."

"I'm perfectly fine, thank you."

But later, she complained her brother of a headache and headed back to Netherfield in the next hour. As far as Caroline was concerned, her life was over.

And I know, and I know,
It just doesn't feel like a night out with no one sizing you up.
I've never been so surreptitious,
so of course you'll be distracted when I spike the PUNCH!*

Miss Bingley didn't attend the double wedding on account of her depression. Her behavior at the party ostracized her from London society until she married a willing Viscount. The rest of her days were spent faking a smile in front of everyone while secretly wishing to be Mistress of Pemberley, but the Darcy's were society's hottest family with three successful children. The couple themselves, needless to say, lived happily ever after.

* "There's a Good Reason these Tables are Numbered . . ." by Ryan Ross and Panic! at the Disco